Chapter Text
Here is what Hyle thinks about when he sees Brienne next: Moments. The ones where in that exact instant of time, you know when something has changed in you ways that you didn’t even know were possible. The ones that rock you world down to your very depths and nothing is ever the same. Here is Hyle’s biggest moment, the one he loves to live over and over again:
The first time he sees Brienne since high school is at a dinner with her father. He’s been having Saturday night dinner’s with Selwyn Tarth on a regular basis for some time now, ever since he got back from his first tour and his mother passed away just weeks later. He’s not sure why the General took such a liking to him, but he had, and so the tradition began.
Hyle is just walking out to the patio to find Selwyn. Instead, he finds Brienne. Her back is facing him, looking out at the sea. In a second he goes through multiple excuses in his head that could potentially get him out of this dinner. The truth of the matter is that He was an ass to Brienne in high school and he’s kinda fond of this new tradition with her father, he really doesn’t want his past to screw that up.
He’s too slow, and she’s turning around before he knows it and he thinks he might understand love at first sight now. It’s not really first sight, and it probably isn’t love, at least not the love that will later consume them both. It sure as hell is something though. The second she gives him a tight smile that doesn’t match the rage in her eyes, he’s already hoping those brilliant blue saphires will soften for him.
He remembers, down to the last hair out of place, the way she looked that night. Her blue eyes were so bright when she smiled at her father, and her cheeks got brighter and brighter the more glasses of wine she consumed. Her laughter was soft and musical when he was finally able to draw it out of her by doing or saying something completely stupid. If he had to choose a moment to live in over and over again, he thinks this just might be the one; the one that changed his entire life as he had known it before she came along.
He doesn’t remember how he got her alone or the conversation they had. He remembers apologizing, he remembers apologizing a lot. He also remembers that she didn’t forgive him that night, or for a long time afterwards.
He replays moments like this over and over again. Not all of them feature Brienne. Some have his mother and sister in them. Like that time he was arrested for fighting and his mom looked at him like she’d never seen him before, almost like she had no idea who he was. The really great ones though, the ones he tries to live in and never let go, those are all his wife.
Some of them are things that never really happened, like that fantasy they dreamed up, living in a great big house that sits on the edge of a cliff in Tarth. Brienne’s holding a little girl in her arms, looking out a big window into the front yard where two little boys are playing with a golden retriever puppy. He wants to wake up back in their little apartment, and tell her all about it. Instead, he closes his eyes tightly and wills himself back into that darkness before she can wake up.
~~~
“Brie, sweetie.” The gentle shaking and Margery’s soft voice bring Brienne out of a dream that she wishes she never had to leave. She can’t remember the details, in fact she’s not even sure there are any other details other than the fact that she was with her husband and he was alive. She rolls away from the back of the couch and faces Margery, who is kneeling beside her with that look on her face. Brienne hates that look. That sad, concerned smile makes this real.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” Brienne raises her eyebrows in surprise that Margery of all people would actually ask her that. Margery’s sad smile turns sheepish and she apologizes quickly. “Brienne, when was the last time you ate something? Or even had a descent night’s sleep in your own bed?” Margery has gotten up off the floor and it looks as if she’s actually started to take a descent look around Brienne’s messy apartment. If she had the energy, or cared at all, Brienne would feel embarrassed about her unkempt appearance.
“I can’t sleep in that bed, Marg. I just…I can’t…” She can’t even finish the sentence before the tears come again and Margery is hugging her and telling her to just go back to sleep and everything will be alright. Nothing will ever be alright, Brienne thinks as she does as Margery insists, and drifts back to sleep.
The next she wakes up, Margery is talking in hushed whispers with someone in the kitchen, and just from taking in the living room, Brienne can tell she has cleaned up. Brienne lifts herself up from the couch and turns toward to the kitchen to find out who Margery had in there with her. She catches Jaime, his back facing her, and hands waving wildly as his whispers rise louder and Margery’s jaw clenches in obvious disagreement with whatever he is saying. Before she can open her mouth, Margery spots her and smiles happily at her. Jaime catches her look and turns to look at Brienne as well, his own bright smile in place and a greeting on his lips.
“Good morning, well night really. Hungry?” She nods her head at him, rubbing the sleep and crusty tears from her eyes. Jaime chuckles at the loud growl her stomach gives to let everyone know just how hungry she really is. “Why don’t you hop in the shower while Marg and I will get something together?” Brienne nods again and heads through the bedroom to the bathroom, trying to avoid looking at the unmade, abandoned bed in the middle.
~~~
“I still think you being here is a bad idea, Jaime.” Margery doesn’t look up from here she is pouring pasta into boiling water. Her voice is quiet, even though the sound of the shower can still be heard, but it’s hard as steel. He understands her desire for him to keep his feelings in check, but this is ridiculous.
He grabs her upper arm tightly, and turns her around so he can look her in the eye. “And just what do you think I’m going to do, Margery? Maul her? Do you really think so little of me and my friendship with her that-”
“We’re all she has left, Jaime. Do you understand that?” His had drops away from her and he crosses his arms over his chest.
“Of course I know that.”
“Then you should know why it’s so important that you keep yourself in check.” Her eyes soften as she continues, and she places her hand over his exposed right hand and gives it a little squeeze.
“I think you’re a great friend to Brie, Jaime. I don’t think little of you at all, I just think Brienne isn’t as strong and resilient as you like to believe. She needs her friends, Jaime. Just her friends.” Margery turns back to the pots on the stove and starts stirring the sauce and pasta while he mulls over her words.
It doesn’t quite make sense to him. Of course Brienne is strong and resilient, she’s Brienne for fuck’s sake! He’s never known anyone as brave as her. His mind quickly goes down the long list of reasons he’s been in love with her all this time, starting with her brilliant eyes and ending with every freckle he’s ever been able to catch sight of-and even those he’s only ever been able to fantasize about. He feels like he might be sick when he’s finished the list and realizes the truth in Margery’s words.
What if he can’t be what Brienne needs? She is first and foremost his friend. Her need for space to grieve and come to terms with this new chapter in her life is at the top of his priority list, but what if he does let his feelings get in the way? Jaime is paralyzed by the realization that he doesn’t know how to not be in love with Brienne, and in the end that might cost him everything.