Chapter Text
"Never thought I'd be spending another birthday in the hospital."
Yeah, neither did Rin, but here they are. At least, they're in the maternity ward this time, though Rin hadn't expected any of this to happen either. Behind the glass is a red-haired, red-faced baby screaming at the top of his lungs with almost enough force to make the windows crack he's sure, and Rin can't stop staring like he's seeing the next few chapters of his life being torn out abruptly and tossed over his shoulder.
His stomach hasn't stopped quaking, though he can't tell if it's anxiety or excitement, and the more he stares, the more his vision blurs erratically until he can't see anything at all. He's barely aware when his forehead touches the glass and the tears slip down over the surface, staining it. His whole body shakes with the effort to control his sobs, and Sousuke's hand is instantly on his back, soothing him as he pushes it down along his spine like he's petting a frazzled cat.
"Come on, Rin, I'm sure he's happy to see you, too. Babies are usually fussy. Besides, you'll be an amazing uncle."
It's not that he doubts that at all. Rin knows he'll spoil the kid rotten and be the one cheering the loudest at his swim meets. Okay, second loudest considering Seijuurou's the father. But seeing the little guy wriggling his way into life already and looking afraid of the big tall world around him, reminds him how much time had passed by in a single blink. He feels like it was just yesterday his father was ruffling his hair before leaving on his fishing trip, smiling down at him and telling him not to cry. He'll be back in no time.
And if that was yesterday, then just a few hours ago, he was delivering his sister to the Mikoshiba clan and letting Seijuurou unload an obscene amount of sappy vows on her, most of which even Rin had been embarrassed by. Now, he's standing here, thinking it's still too soon, and that's his little sister he knocked up. He never thought she'd get to experience all these things before himself, but the reality had become painfully clear after a time that he'd never be able to put Sousuke on his family register and that the two of them wouldn't even be able to adopt in their home country if they got the urge. They could use a surrogate, but it would cost an exorbitant amount of money. Not to mention the child would only have one of their genes and only one of their last names.
There are so many things that they'll never experience and that he'll watch others embrace and enjoy, and while he's happy for Gou, he's feeling for the first time in a long time that his own future is skewing into an uncertain and frightening trajectory. Will Sousuke still be there for him everyday ten or twenty years now if they don't make that promise official? Will he consider him as much as family as he and Gou already consider him? Would he show up here in the hospital with him at 3 a.m. in the morning every time Seijuurou decides to put babies in his sister, a fact that still keeps him awake at night.
His thoughts wrap around his mind too tightly for him to be aware of the moment when Sousuke draws him from the glass and pushes his face into his own shoulder. There's a hand warm and strong on the back of his hair, the weight of it pressing onto his scalp, and Rin forgets that they're in public and that there are nurses passing by at the moment, watching the two of them embrace. It doesn't seem to matter at all in that very second when Rin wants to drown in some kind of assurance that Sousuke still shares his dream no matter what a mess it's become at this point. With all those medals in his room, competition only interests him as a hobby. What he really wants is a place to come home to now, though how long will it be in this place? There has to be a higher height summit they can reach that surpasses even his own Olympic-sized dreams.
"Are you all right? You haven't said anything in a while…"
Sousuke's happy expression from before has fallen to something more crushed and worried in a matter of seconds, and Rin knows he's to blame, sobbing like crazy when the guy had admitted years ago how much he hated seeing him cry. If he could hold it back, he would, but the outpour of emotions is too strong. He's simultaneously really happy at the bundle of screams just a few feet away but also distressed by the fact that this might be as far as they can go.
His fingers curl along the back of Sousuke's jacket, and he covers the fabric in more snot and tears than Sousuke probably wants to deal with. They only subside after a few soothing strokes, and Sousuke refuses to let him go until he stops completely. Unlike himself, he never gets self-conscious about holding him in public or being inside his personal space. He's impenetrable against the questioning stares, standing solid and insurmountable at the moment while Rin pulls himself together.
His hand brushes at his own eyes before Sousuke gently stops him, cups his face, and uses both thumbs to wipe the space under his bottom lashes.
"Sorry," Rin whispers, embarrassment settling in now that he's regaining awareness of himself and his surroundings. "I didn't think he'd be born this soon."
"He's just two weeks early."
"No, I mean, I didn't think Gou would have her first kid so close after they got married, and it's-"
-happening too fast. His shoulders deflate a bit, not sure if he can explain the sentiment fully. To Sousuke who's been back and forth with his dreams, it should make some sense, but he hasn't seemed afraid or uncertain in so long. He's always wondered why, but then again, this is the guy who hasn't taken off a dorky bracelet he got for him in nine years. It's worn but stable on his wrist while Rin's had fallen apart until he could only keep the two charms on his necklace.
"Are you sad you didn't get to have one, first. That we can't …-you and I?"
Sousuke points from himself to Rin, and Rin shakes his head, quite certain that's not exactly the root of the problem. It's not as though he's suddenly wishing Sousuke was a woman. He's fine the way he is, and Rin is pretty sure he can't switch sexual preference as easy as he can transfer schools.
"It's not that. I don't want kids right now."
He moves back to look at Sousuke more squarely, though the weight of his eyes on him is a little unbearable when Sousuke looks like he's expecting to hit him with something terrible at the moment.
"Then what?"
The question it all boils down. What does he want? What does Sousuke want? Are they intersecting points on a straight line? Are they running parallel to one another? Are they twisting around each other so tightly that pulling them apart would unravel everything? Who knows at this point because it's the question he hasn't asked in nine years since they reunited, fearing what the answer would be eventually.
"If I said let's move again tomorrow, would you come with me?"
That question catches Sousuke off-guard, and he frowns and glances at the baby. "What's with this now? Isn't it a bit sudden to be moving again?"
"It is, but-" Rin pauses and shakes his head, fingers digging into his palms as he wrestles with his words, "-I can't marry you here or even fully marry you in Australia, in most places even. I can't have a life with you. That's all I can think of right now."
Sousuke's eyes widen as much as possible, looking completely shocked. It's not often Rin can incite that response from someone so cool and collected normally, and he'd be more gratified by it if it their future wasn't hanging delicately above them by mere threads. Whatever is going on in Sousuke's mind isn't immediately apparent in his eyes, either, watching them move to the floor while he considers his words. The seconds tick a little too loudly in the clock mounted in the hospital wall, the sound suddenly maddening when he's waiting for Sousuke to say something. Anything.
Then Sousuke looks at the baby swaddled up before finally murmuring,"Even after all these years, you're still someone who would pick everything up and suddenly disappear to suit your whims. Have you even thought about what you'd do, where you'd live, how you'd get citizenship?"
Those were sobering, rational words but not the ones Rin wants to hear right now. His eyes narrow slightly as he feels his resolve grow in the face of Sousuke's surging doubts. "Weren't you the one who left his life in Tokyo to move back for me? Then Japan to move to Australia? And now you're saying this is too much? What were you thinking of doing from here on out? Were we going to stay as roommates forever?"
His hands are curled so tightly that he can feel his nails eating into his palms, and his arms shake a little from the pressure as his advance forces Sousuke to back up until he hits the glass. "You can't accept fate as it comes to you, Sousuke! Why would you settle for any less than what you want?!"
He can hear his own voice starting to reverberate in the halls, and before he can keep going, Sousuke's palm clamps around his lips, silencing him completely.
"Take it easy. That's enough. Let's talk outside if you're going to get like this."
Rin manages to calm down enough to realize that yes, they are in a very public space with too many eyes on them. He's already caused a scene, and the last thing he needs is to be kicked out of the maternity ward on his sister's special day. She's still expecting them to return to her room once she wakes up, so he deflates enough to let Sousuke lead them outside into the small fountain area.
His hand sits on Rin's arm, holding him firmly as he stares him down like Rin is the one who needs to own up to his own words at the moment. "Were you realistically expecting to leave tomorrow?"
"Obviously not, but I didn't expect you to say no like that."
"I didn't say no. I questioned you because, if I said no, would that mean you'd end up leaving me behind again?"
Rin gives him a furious look for even suggesting that would even be an option by now. Is that the part he's most worried about? That he'd leave him behind again after having returned to him dozens of times before. In spite of the numerous competitions that whisked him to every corner of the globe, the person who always made the idea of home real and consistent for him is Sousuke. It's been like that for years. Haru may have been the one to expand the universe for him, but Sousuke is the one who grounded him inside of it and kept him from flying too far outside of it. He doesn't know how to brand that into his head by now, but he refuses to keep letting Sousuke harbor that thought.
"I'm not going anywhere without you. Don't you get that by now? That's why I asked!" His hands are around Sousuke's upper arms by now, clutching him with urgency, "Besides, the whole reason I even wanted to move in the first place was to marry you. I want to marry you. Do you get what I'm saying?"
It seems to hit Sousuke at that moment with the full force of a freight ship capsizing him violently because he stands there in a stupor once those words are out. His whole body looks like it's been flung off the highest level of the hospital and is now facing the aftermath of the sheer force of impact it had with the ground.
"…You're proposing?"
In a matter of speaking, though Rin doesn't even really know if he is. They've never exactly discussed it, and this would be a bad way to do it officially. He always figured it'd be something more pre-planned and extravagant and not him yelling out his frustrations like he's still seventeen and fighting his way through hormones and high school problems.
"Maybe," Rin murmurs, feeling his self-consciousness rise as his hand makes a move to slide to the back of his neck, but Sousuke stops him for once and grips Rin's face, preventing him from looking away.
"Is this what you really want?"
His hand is tight around his skin, holding him hostage, and as much as Rin wants to brush it off like it's nothing, he knows Sousuke won't let him this time. What does he even say now when he's being put on the spot?
"One day…," he finally chokes out after a moment, forcing the words out as he tries to seriously consider it and not let himself get carried away, "not now obviously. But one day. I want to know we have the option, at least. Isn't that something worth fighting for?"
Sousuke's eyes run over his face, seemingly lingering on it as more thoughts get tossed around in his head. Rin still can't put together how he really feels about the situation when he's not spelling it out plainly, but he assumes he's not upset by that response. It's as logical and honest of one as he can muster.
"Then say it to me properly when you get to that point. You never think about anything thoroughly and get carried away. You're too old to be behaving that rashly and impulsively. I'll go anywhere with you in the world. I'll follow you as long as you want me to. I'll always be there when you call and ask me to. That will never change, Rin."
Sousuke's fingers slip from their grip and shift along Rin's hair, moving over his scalp and pushing in against his flesh. The rough pads of them are comforting where they sit against him, and Rin can feel himself being eased closer, drawn to the sheer emotions now being animated onto Sousuke's face. His heart pushes up against his chest too quick, and he presses his lips a little clumsily against Sousuke's, wanting to feel the weight of those words spelled right into his mouth and carved into the edge of his flesh by his teeth.
But the touch is fleeting, and Sousuke's smiling when he pulls away.
"Ah, I get it," Rin finally murmurs, feeling like the weight that had been pushing down on him a moment ago inside of that hospital is being lifted, and he can breathe a little more easily. It's the best kind of assurance he can get for now that there is a future somewhere still waiting for them out there. Sousuke hasn't given up, and Rin sure as hell doesn't plan on giving up. It does't matter how far he has to run to get it, but as long as he's not alone…
Sousuke's hand slides against his, fitting neatly into his palm before squeezing, "Let's go back inside so you can meet your nephew properly, huh?"
"Hopefully, he's not yelling at the top of his lungs still. He's already proving himself to be more Mikoshiba than Matsuoka."
"I think given the amount of times he's cried since we got here, I'd say he's more Matsuoka than Mikoshiba."
"Hey-! I already stopped," Rin protests as he kicks Sousuke lightly.
He then feels a gentle squeeze around his hand as Sousuke laughs and tugs him along, and the charms of Sousuke's bracelet brush lightly over his own palm as they swing back and forth. For now, this much is okay, so long as he can see Sousuke's carefree smile and feel the weight of his fingers embracing his own.