Chapter Text
"Thorin?", Bilbo asked with a timid voice that evening, standing nervously in front of the king while the rest of the company were already sleeping. The Durin took over first watch and the hobbit thought it was a good opportunity to have a little talk with his dwarf, seeing that they were just another short day walk away from Gandalfs friend - and already on his ground and in safety, said the wizard, but the dwarfs wouldn't have any of that and still took shifts taking watch.
The blackhaired tilted his head in aknowledgement and indicated him to sit down, which Bilbo promptly did. He took a minute to get comfortable on the boulder, but just ended up sitting way too close to Thorin, so he sat back again, back stiff.
"Balin told me...he told me that you now have a life debt with me, because I saved your life. Is that true?", he decided to start with that. That was simple - more or less, but nothing with Thorin was really simple, so he just had to take what he could get.
His question drew a short silence, only interrupted from the drumming of Thorins fingers on his scabbard, but just as he started to fidget with nervousity he heard a now familiar rumble.
"It is true, indeed, Master Hobbit. May I ask you a question now, too?" A quick nod was enough to get him to continue. "That blanket, the one your mother knitted..." He paused and Bilbo got red in his face, because of all the things to ask, it had to be about that.
"I once met a small child, a hobbit child. He said his mother had to knit him blankets, because it was going to be cold once he had to live in a cavern. Once I married him." The red had to look almost purple now as his toes curled inwards. He remembered. Even if he didn't remember it was him, he remembered. And to be honest, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted Thorin to know it was him, now that he had the choice. He looked to the dwarf out of the corner of his eyes and was met with a heated look from not-quiet cornflower blue.
"Well, yeah. It's - ehm - you know. Common. Quiet common for mothers to - well, knit. Blankets, socks. That sort of stuff. My Ma always knitted blankets. Got lots of those. Whole cupboard full of 'em.", the hobbit stammered, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
He risked another glance and saw the others gaze wavering, uncertainty mixing with other emotions he couldn't begin to decipher and before he could stop his mouth from being stupid he just continued talking.
"And I'm pretty sure I said caves." There was a pause again. "And I hit my head."
"So it was you, then?", Thorin asked. The hobbit shrugged uncomfortably. "And you wanted to marry me." He was sure as all hell purple in his face now, he was far too horrified for red.
"I was a faunt, no need to tease me about it.", he pressed through clenched teeth, but was cut off by a hand on his arm.
"It wasn't my intent to tease you. I just thought about it. At that time, all I thought was that you hit your head pretty bad and were just talking nonsense. But Balin said something this evening. He said that life debts weren't the thing you settled life-saving matters with. He wouldn't tell me how you did settle them, but..." He left the sentence between them, giving Bilbo the chance to lie and be done with it if he wanted to, but all those years came back to the hobbit.
He always thought that Thorin just didn't want him. He thought something was wrong with him for him to be spurned, but now he knew that the dwarf just didn't know. That he probably just didn't want a life debt from a child and left as soon as he could, never looking back, because why would he? All those years his heart was breaking he was just a small child talking nonsense! And if that didn't spur him on to speak his mind now, to speak the truth, nothing could. All those years he mourned his love, his betrothed and the dwarf didn't even knew it! What could have happened if Thorin knew? He would have propably just told him that no, he wouldn't marry him. And Bilbo would have been sad, of course, but he wouldn't have thought to marry the dwarf for over ten long years just to have his heart crushed as the other never showed. The dwarf could have told him about the life debt, that their races just had different ways to go about things and Bilbo would have pestered him for details, always hungry for knowledge about the outer world and he would have understood.
All those years, just because of a simple misunderstanding.
"In the Shire - it is custom to - It is custom to marry the one that saves your life. It shows that your betrothed can protect you and is willing to go to all lenghts for you, just to keep you safe. Why marry another when all that is needed is already right in front of you?", Bilbo answered at last, losing his determined edge halfway through and ending in a whisper. There was another silence, but it wasn't tense anymore between them. Thorin seemed to contemplate what was said and the little hobbit just waited for him to come to terms with it.
"Did you - Did you think I knew it? All those years, did you - ", the dwarf stopped, seemingly embarrassed by the question he was about to ask.
"What, did I wait for you, you mean? Of course not.", Bilbo scoffed and the dwarf beside him tensed, now tight as a bowstring. The hobbit considered his next words carefully, because the atmosphere turned down again and he just couldn't stand that anymore, now that he experienced something like relaxed quiet just one time. This was his dwarf, his Thorin, his saviour and he wouldn't just stand by anymore and take whatever the other deemed to give him. Maybe he could do something to help things along - maybe he could still hope.
"I didn't wait for you, no. Well, the last years I didn't. I needed a few years after I reached my maturity to accept the fact that you wouldn't come and fetch me. I - I just never thought about the possibility that you didn't know. It's common in the Shire, I just didn't - ", he sighed a little, shrugging one shoulder, turning away from Thorins heavy gaze. "I waited, yes, longer than I'm proud of, to be honest. But then I realized - well, I say realized, but I always thought you knew, you know? - I realized that you just didn't want me. That's alright, perfectly alright, it just isn't - well, it isn't respectable, because if my dwarf didn't want me then there had to be something wrong with me, right? Well, I know now that that wasn't the case, I mean that shouldn't mean you would have wanted me, you wouldn't of course, but I accepted it. That you didn't. So it was - I'm not saying easy, but it was better, kinda." He was talking himself into an early grave, but he couldn't seem to stop, so he just didn't. Thorin seemed near now, nearer than before and he could feel his eyes growing wide as the other just came nearer.
"I wouldn't have wanted you, no. You were a child. But if I told you that I - " A deep breath and Bilbo could feel it on his own lips. "You saved my life. If you still wanted to, I wouldn't be opposed to - " He looked like he was in pain now, eyes clenched shut and mouth pinched, clearly unsatisfied with his words and the hobbits mind ran a mile a minute, his ever childish hope warring with his reason, his loyalty to Thorin fighting sanity but still the fool in him won and he leaned over the last inches closing the gap between them.
Everything seemed to still at that. He couldn't hear the snores of their companions, the noises of the wild, the rush of the wind. All he could hear was the little gasp from the lips against his. His entire world consisted of Thorin, as it always had to a point, but now he could feel him - dry, chapped lips against his, chest still as strong as he remembered under his fingers, beard scratching softly against his cheek - was surrounded by his scent - sweat and leather and smoke and something that made him want to bury his face in the others long locks, something entirely Thorin - and was able to taste the last remnants of their sparse dinner on lips that were still unresponding. He heaved a sigh and sat back. Not surprising, if he was honest. He wanted it to be different, of course, but he wasn't a little faunt anymore.
"I don't want your life debt, Thorin. There is nothing to repay to me for saving your life. We can call it even, can't we? And then everything can go back to - normal.", he faltered in the end, because he didn't want it to go back to what was normal on most of their quest. He didn't want the other to hate him again, but it would be better than false kindness because of a debt, he was sure.
He just wanted to stand up, was already half off the boulder as there were arms all around him and he got pulled against his most favourite person in all of middle earth.
"Alright. No life debts. But I want your promise.", he felt it rumble just under his cheek.
"What promise?", he whispered, burying himself into the other, now that he had the chance again. Who knew when Thorin would change his mind again?
"Your hand. I want your hand in marriage the second we set foot into Erebor. I saved your life, didn't I? It's already mine. And you saved mine, so my hand can be yours. If you want it. If you still want me." He paused and Bilbo didn't know - a lot of things, thats for sure. But first of he didn't actually knew if he was even still awake, because what exactly did Thorin just say?
"I know I was an idiot the last weeks. I was - unkind. Unjust. You didn't deserve half my ill words and the half you did I could have delivered differently. I am - I am sorry. For the way I treated you. And for making you wait. And it's probably not enough, and probably it's too soon, but I - I can't explain it. Now that I know, it's like - I wish I had known. I know you now and you are - and I want you by my side. And I need to prove my worth to you again, show you that I can, in fact, keep you safe and then maybe - maybe you still want to be with me then. Could you - would you at least consider it?"
It must have cost him a lot to get those words out, Bilbo decided, still complete stumped with the direction things were taking right now. Who could have known? Hoped, of course he had. Somewhere deep down he was still the faunt that waited for his betrothed to sweep him off his feet. And now that he had the chance -
"No.", he whispered. There was a shiver in the dwarfs body before it slumped a little, he probably wouldn't have noticed if he wasn't buried in his chest. "I don't want a promise, Thorin. But - we could try something else - something more common. We could just - be. And if it ends in marriage I'm going to be the happiest hobbit to ever wander middle earth, but I can't - I don't think I could trust such a promise again. So we could just - get to know each other. And if you don't think it's good, then you don't have to marry me. We could try to fix it, then, but - well. There is no necessity. You can walk out every time you like. Alright?"
Hands on his shoulders pushed him back a little and deep blue eyes peered down at him.
"That goes for you, too, then. I won't hold it against you. I made mistakes and I - I don't know where to start to make it up - " Earnest words said in a grave voice and Bilbo had to smile.
"You'll know when you see it.", he just said, because everything was alright right now and he couldn't care less about the past weeks, couldn't care less about any debts Thorin thought he needed to pay. He just leant forward again and this time he got a response without having to wait for it. And after they woke Dwalin for his watch Bilbo wasn't alone under his blanket for the first time ever, snuggled deep into a strong chest he knew most of his life.
The next day, while walking in front of the rest of the company, trying to be as subtle as he possibly could and still be near his dwarf he caught Thorin throwing him a speculative glance. Before he could ask, however, the king bent down and plucked something from the ground, shoving it directly under the hobbits nose. He had to go cross-eyed to see what it was, before he laughed, took it from the outstretched hand and plucked it behind his ear.
Thorin had given him a cornflower.