Chapter Text
The call came immediately after he closed the door.
See, Seungwoo had this usually near flawless intuition as some sort of byproduct from countless of traumatic experiences. He could say that his senses process information just a bit differently than his brain does, it sounds relatively illogical but that was the only way he can explain the feeling that comes just seconds before something catastrophic happens.
He has had the phone shut off the entire day wanting to give his attention entirely to Seungyoun. While he was obliviously disconnected, his entire world was being uprooted. Yohan sent him text messages. First time in weeks; he hated typing.
Where the fuck are you?
Seungwoo answer your bloody fucking phone right this fucking instant.
Seungwoo I’m not kidding. I am so fucking worried. Answer your fucking phone.
Seungwoo, fuck. Where are you?
Seungwoo please call me. Please.
Ironically, the article that craftily paved the road to his demise excised a startled laugh out of Seungwoo. He had quickly read through it and laughed until his stomach ached and he felt like he would just fall apart and cease to exist. He has long convinced himself that his sins will catch up to him, he was ready for it. Maybe, in the future, he would meet some unfortunate accident that would lead entirely to his demise and yet he would accept it. It was just.
The universe is never fair, for it fucks you when you’re happiest. It steals peace after a lifetime of chaos, it takes in times where you’re unable to give.
Why does it have to be right now when he finally knows what it means to be truly happy? Sometimes, Seungwoo thought about the uncanny way his life works. He moves about, surviving day to day with a mask that he never removes until he has completely managed to fool even himself. Frankly speaking, Seungwoo has stashed that part of his dark past to the deepest recesses of his mind. Selective memory loss, his therapist once told him, induced by post traumatic stress. Everything was coming on to him now, crashing relentlessly as his mind wages a war against itself.
Seungwoo Han is a man drowning and he does not want anyone to save him. He does not want anyone to look into his eyes and see that he is nothing but a beautiful montage of lies, rotten through and through.
He crashes to the sofa, puts an arm over his eyes and inhales. Calm, collected, composed. His eyes do not sting for there are no tears to shed. Burning in his own turmoil as everything he has ever cherished comes undone, there are no coherent thoughts in Seungwoo’s mind. Though in that chaos, like a clear bright spot in an abysmal darkness, there is Seungyoun.
The peace in my chaos. I am sorry I cannot protect you from who I am. I am sorry that I love you.
Seungwoo, for the first time in a really long while, falls into a dreamless sleep.
//
“Those aren’t even true and you fucking know it!”
Yohan is a volcano, an unstoppable force of nature that rages after Seungwoo has grown tired of reliving his past. He does not care. Fabrications or facts, what was the point when everything was out in the open anyway? What was the point when Seungyoun will probably look at the news this morning and regret every little thing he has done with Seungwoo in mind. None of it matters. Seungwoo remains to be a monster.
Seungwoo feels like he is floating in a make believe limbo. Inside the safety of his home, he could pretend that his life is not an eroding sand castle.
Yohan aggressively inhales his second cigarette into completion and angrily tosses the filter onto Seungwoo’s half filled ashtray. He stomps in front of Seungwoo and there is so much anger lighting the photographer’s eyes that it forces Seungwoo to look up and meet his gaze. This man right here, has been with Seungwoo from the very beginning. They have seen each other in situations that could have been worse than the fifth circle of hell, they have helped each other metaphorically wade through grime and filth.
The world has turned its back on Seungwoo but never Yohan. Everything will raze and fade but never Yohan Kim. They are half of each others’ souls and this, whatever the fuck this is, is about to become their greatest obstacle yet and Seungwoo is tired. He is tired of fighting a war that he can never win.
Yohan bores his gaze on Seungwoo, palms heavy on top of Seungwoo’s shoulders. “We, you, will exit this bloody fucking building and explain your side of the story. You will tell them the truth and if nobody fucking listens we will fight back. Fire with fucking fire, Seungwoo, fire with fucking fire.”
Seungwoo closes his eyes; his lids burn. “I’m tired. You know that this is an inevitability. I fucked up, Yohan. I fucked up real bad. You know it. You’ve been there. You’ve seen what I did. You know what I’m capable of doing.”
“And this is the reason why I want you to put your foot down and hold your ground. Did you even read it? Jesus Seungwoo, half of the things you’re accused of aren’t true. We’re both fucked up but we’ve never done sold drugs, we’ve fucked but never with people who were unwilling. And you tell me the truth about the director. Did you know he assaulted those women? I know you Seungwoo, you would have done something if you knew. You won’t get over your past if you keep on running every time you’re forced to face it.”
Seungwoo inhales, the burn in his throat is from the tears he has held at bay since last night. “I would have fucking killed him.”
“I know.” Yohan seethes, “Because you were once a victim and you were never the type to just stand there and let it happen.”
Seungwoo pulls Yohan in and sobs onto the man’s shoulder. “But why didn’t I notice. I was there Han, fuck, I was there. I should have seen it. I should have known it was happening. But I didn’t. I was too preoccupied by some other bullshit that shouldn’t have fucking mattered. I could have done something, anything.”
He could hear his sobs ring clear in his ears. His throat feels raw. “I could have done anyfuckingthing but I didn’t. It’s all my fucking fault.”
Yohan pulls back and slaps Seungwoo across the face. The sting successfully clears the cloudiness in Seungwoo’s thoughts.
“Shut the fuck up.” Yohan enunciates. “Listen to me very well, Seungwoo Han. The article was a big lie and the fact that your director is a fucking bottom dweller was never and will never be your fault. His vileness is his and his alone. His crimes are his and his alone. It is unfortunate that no one noticed before this shit show came to be. But get this, you can now do something about it. So you get yourself together, call the company, then talk to Seungyoun because his entire group is put in such a tight spot for something that you did not do. You understand me?”
Like cold water poured onto his head, Seungwoo wakes up. The mention of Seungyoun’s name has him reeling.
“Seungyoun.” He whispers, “Fuck, Seungyoun.”
“You’re a class A mess.” Yohan smiles, “But I guess, you’re my mess. Now quit being a bitch and leave this house, we’ve got a lawsuit to file.”
//
“I don’t understand,” Seungwoo’s agitation is clear in the high lilt of his usually flat tone. “Seunyoun has got nothing to do with this, we haven’t confirmed anything and it’s not his fault that he’s become automatically associated to my name just because we’re in some sort of pretend relationship. This is injustice in broad daylight and you know that.”
The room is intimately familiar for Seungwoo Han. He has been here before, countless of times throughout the years. It has become sort of a spectacle to him, to elicit every sort of reaction, every level of ire from Kiseok Lee, Chief Executive Officer for SMX’s media and broadcasting division. The man has always been partial to him. He does lose his cool most of the time but it has come to a point where it is all a game for Seungwoo, a game to see the end of a judge, jury and executioner’s thread. This time, the tables have turned. Seungwoo Han, once glorious and infallible, is now used goods. His dignity died the moment the article gained its first down vote and he watched his darling reputation get buried six feet under thousands of hate comments spewed by angry netizens clamoring behind the safety of their relative anonymity.
Seungwoo is used to it, he is an actor for fuck’s sake. He is a public persona and the situation is merely another bullet added to his already long list of achievements. But this time, there is a nuanced facet to all these insanity in his life. A nuance he would never exchange for anything. He would allow his career to careen into a beautiful death as long as Seungyoun would never have to bear the brunt of his mistake. Non Disclosure Agreement be damned and their lawyers can all go to hell, for Seungwoo will never see reason, not when it is Seungyoun on the line.
Kiseok’s expression shifts, laugh lines and crow’s feet made apparent by his fashionable salt and pepper hair. Seungwoo has never seen him this stressed since the day his and Jinhyuk’s relationship spiraled out of control. “Sit down.” The CEO enunciates and leans forward. Seungwoo belatedly notices that Kiseok’s usual black suit is bereft of its patterned tie.
“You don’t believe me do you?”
“Frankly,” Kiseok begins. He hesitates and Seungwoo can tell that he will not like a word that will leave the CEO’s lips. “I don’t know what the fuck to believe. I know you celebrities has got some sort of morbid history. We do what we need to do to get from point A to point B. I don’t blame you Seungwoo. And I don’t care. But here’s the thing, it’s out. And more than half of your audience wants to stake you and skin you alive. Now what do I do with this? What will we do to fix this fucking mess? We don’t Seungwoo. It’s a monster, it’s out of our control and we can’t do anything else but mitigate the consequences.” He sighs and makes a few odd gestures of frustration. “Consequences, consequences, consequences. Here’s where Seungyoun comes into play, where his career comes into play. You have got to drill it into your head that you and Seungyoun are a bloody fucking package now. You’re connected, we wanted it that way since the beginning, or have you forgotten? And now Seungyoun’s impact virtually becomes nonexistent with you still in the picture because the people hates every fucking thing about you right now. You’re rotten, and by association, so is Seungyoun. If you don’t step back Seungyoun will suffer. He will suffer more. So don’t you dare come barging here and questioning my decisions.”
“Then let me take the blame for it. Wholly, completely. It’s just my side of the story all out for everyone to see.”
Kiseok inhales and slowly reclines. “I highly suggest you don’t do anything at all right now. I don’t recommend you to talk whether it’s to confirm or to deny the accusations. Seungwoo you have been the game changer for nearly twelve years now, you should know how this works.”
“So are you insinuating that we casually feed Seungyoun to the wolves? We stay quiet and let the public get onto the next thing they associate with me.”
“They’re mercurial.” Kiseok dismisses, “We pull him out of the group in the next round of promotions, hide him for a while and re-debut him as a solo singer. He could opt for a contract termination. It’s all up to him. It’s all up in the air.”
Seungwoo feels like the room would tip over as he processes over such casual words. But in reality, he would have never batted his eyelashes if Seungyoun’s only a mere stranger. This is the entertainment industry and everyone is a casualty of their dreams, one way or another. There is always going to be a big scandal, another group, a younger actor, a better artist -- no one is promised tomorrow.
“Seungyoun’s career won’t survive a scandal of this magnitude. He’s barely even begun.”
“He’s collateral damage Seungwoo. We can lose him; we can’t lose you.”
Ironically, the words he had heard cut deeper even than the contents of the same article that had so casually ruined his life. To be so intimately aware of how he had uprooted Seungyoun’s career even before it could fully blossom to its fullest potential is a dagger straight into Seungwoo’s heart. But in that moment, he knew what needs to be done and he will be damned if he cannot see through it to the end.
“Alright.” Seungwoo stands up as he speaks. “I won’t do anything.”
“Good.” The CEO sighs, “Good. Let us handle this fucking mess. Try and not put yourself under the spot for a while.”
He does not say anything as he leaves the office.
//
“It’s ironic.”
”What is?”
Seungwoo’s eyes the utterly familiar surroundings, he manages a smile. Jinhyuk always preferred to live in an organized chaos. His apartment is virtually the same in Seungwoo’s memories - earthy tones, unwashed mugs of coffee, overflowing ashtrays, scratched lyrics over lined paper - and it brings a sort of comfort he never would have expected from the same man who had nearly pulverized his heart.
“That I’m trying to gain some semblance of normalcy in the same place where I nearly died from heartbreak.” Seungwoo casually answers. He tops off his stale coffee and replaces the chipped mug onto the trashed table.
Jinhyuk sits before him and rolls his eyes. “Don’t be fucking dramatic, it’s unbecoming of you.”
“You still know how to speak and make it hurt. I’ve missed it.”
“I read it.” Jinhyuk says without warning. “That’s why you’re back in my flat and sitting on that chair.”
“The entire country’s read it, darling. Do you need me to elaborate?”
Jinhyuk rakes his hair back. His eyes narrow in frustration. “Christ, will you fucking drop this nonchalant persona for one goddamned second?!”
“Why?” Seungwoo sighs, “So that I’d grovel on your feet? You know that’s not gonna happen.”
“Because I care.” Jinhyuk says, tone suddenly tired. “I care about you.”
“Why do you care now? We’re finished, done. You told me so yourself. What’s changed?”
Jinhyuk chuckles bitterly. “We’re finished because I had to stop being such a fucking idiot. You never loved me, what’s the use of pretending when all it did was slowly fuck me up. I couldn’t even get anything done, not even my songs, for months. I was too preoccupied asking myself why I stayed that long for someone who’s never gonna see me the way I see him. But I loved you, Seungwoo. I loved you. But I had to save my fucking dignity so I left. Easier for the both of us, ain’t it?”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault that you didn’t love me. At least I tried.”
I’m sorry for using you as a slap on band aid for a cut that bled from within.
“We were happy though. We had good times and believe it or not, I loved you Jinhyuk. I did.”
“We were happy because you never forced your walls down. Sometimes I felt like you acted it all out. I never got to know what made you tick. You were never vulnerable, not even once.”
Seungwoo shakes his head, “I didn’t want to complicate things, you’ve become someone that I wanted to protect. Someone I didn’t wanna taint. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“And in that process I never had the chance to get to know you. I only got to know a character.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re forgiven. But right now, please, don’t lock yourself in. You don’t have to confirm that it’s all bullshit because I know it is. You can’t keep running away from what you feel because it’ll do nothing but hurt you more and everyone who cares about you. For once in your life, let someone help.”
Seungwoo is incredibly unacquainted with vulnerability. He has always been a guarded person due to his own deeply set selfishness. He keeps everything to himself, and he has never allowed anyone to step inside his iron walls. He thought himself strong but maybe he has always been a coward. He realizes that it takes spirit to admit helplessness. It takes strength to cry for help.
“I don’t know what to do.” Seungwoo breathes. The room turns ice cold and still. Jinhyuk does not dare utter a single word. “I don’t know what to do except for one thing and that’s to admit the truth. It’s the only way to save Seungyoun.”
“What truth?”
Seungwoo talks.
It was comparable to some sort of out of body experience - he was astral projecting into a safer realm where his demons do not constantly haunt him. I sold my body in exchange for a career. He began, and the memories came back to him all at once, playing in slow motion in the vividest detail. I didn’t know what I’d do. I was young and desperate. I was prone to fucked up decisions. I can blame it on my age but I knew I could have thought of something better. I could have quit, I could have tried harder without exchanging my peace of mind. But it doesn’t matter. I fucked up, Jinhyuk. I fucked up and I’m not proud of it.
The silence that follows is sobering. Seungwoo has yet to process the fact that he has divulged the single, most important part of his personal history to someone he once wanted to protect from it.
Jinhyuk’s reaction used to occupy his mind. Lying in bed together, naked limbs strewn across naked limbs, cigarette smoke and sex permeating the air. Hey, I once allowed myself to get fucked over and over again because I was desperate to be famous. His head tossed around these thoughts until Jinhyuk would notice his distress. You alright? Seungwoo would always allow him to chase the demons away. He would succumb to a fragile state of rest, the producer’s fingers dragging across the planes of his flesh.
Seungwoo was so selfish. They have been together four years and he never once talked.
Jinhyuk is predictably distant. Disgust, shock, whatever it is, Seungwoo does not want to dwell on it further.
“Fuck.” Is the first word that exits the producer’s lips. He stands up and starts pacing the room. “Fucking hell. Seungwoo, I’m so sorry. I should have known. Why didn’t it ever occur to me to just ask. I’m so sorry, oh god.”
Oh, that was unexpected.
Seungwoo watches a spectrum of emotions play upon Jinhyuk’s face. He really has not changed and Seungwoo realizes he awfully gravitates towards people who wore their hearts on their sleeves. Jinhyuk is as transparent as Seungyoun.
“Don’t.” Seungwoo cuts the other off, “I don’t wanna hear any apology. It’s not your fault, do you understand me? I truly appreciate the sentiment but please don’t blame yourself for my indecision.”
“You’ve always had the gentlest way of putting people down.” Jinhyuk chortles, “Why did it take me ages to realize that you never loved me the way I loved you. Even now that we’re barely even friends, you’re still trying too hard to protect me. Seungwoo don’t you get it? I don’t care about your past. I just want what’s best for you. I want to help in anyway I can, will you let me do that? Will you grant me this, just one time. It’s the least I can do for you.”
Maybe he needed to hear those words, whatever it all meant, Seungwoo really does not care he just needed the assurance, the grounding, no matter how empty the words may be in reality. He needed to hear them.
When he exhales; his eyes sting. Tears are for the good days of yesteryear, when his life was shaken every now and then with petty dating scandals. Those times were incomparably better than this hell. Seungwoo should not even allow himself the comfort of tears. “Thank you.” His voice is toneless and apathetic. “Thank you, I appreciate it.”
“I mean it.” Jinhyuk replies. “I’m not here to fix you, I just want to support you while you sort this out. I know you will, I believe you.”
“I’ve fucked up so many times. Why do you still have so much faith in me? I don’t deserve it, Jin. I really don’t.”
Jinhyuk looks at him with a vague expression, a smile that seems happy and sad at the same time. “I’m still learning how to forget us,” He laughs, a little bit ashamed and a lot broken “and that’s a roundabout way of saying that I still love you though I’m not asking you to love me back. It’s just my guilt eating me from the inside Seungwoo because somehow I’ve always known that you needed me but I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. And for everything that I lacked, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Seungwoo.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Seungwoo replies, “I was waiting for it to happen. I fell short too, it wasn’t just you.”
“I guess I shouldn’t be telling you this but might as well let it out now.”
“What?”
“You and Yohan.”
“Oh.”
“You don’t need to explain. I guess it’s part of the things I’ve always known but refused to confront head on.”
“Did it drive a point?” Why is he even asking? “It’s a valid reason to end any sort of romantic relationship.”
“I was just happy he was there after shit went down. I trusted he’d help you stem whatever negative emotions that lingered after I ended it. Then you met Seungyoun and from what I’ve seen I could at least say that you’re happy. Are you?”
The thought of Seungyoun brings Seungwoo pain. “I was. I think I’ve never been happier in my entire life and look at what I’ve done. He’s the only person I’ve been so desperate to protect from my past and I couldn’t even do that. I couldn’t protect him from me. It would’ve been better if I’ve never known him at all.”
“He’s not a child Seungwoo. He’s capable of sound decisions and if he wanted to be with you it’s because he wanted to. You should learn to trust that he’d listen to whatever you need to tell him. I’ve seen the kid and I know that he genuinely cares about you. You should come clean. Stop running away from what you fear the most and stop trying to save everyone but yourself.”
Seungwoo wonders if there will a come a day where he is finally ready to bring his walls down and be at peace with his own demons. Maybe Jinhyuk is right, Seungyoun deserves the truth. His resolve hardens and he does not hinge on whatever sort of outcome would stem from it.
It is time to stop his cowardice.
//
Right fist connects to right cheek. “You motherfucker.” The man crumples to the ground, he slips and bashes the back of his head against the tiled floor. Seungwoo seethes, scrambles to the ground and continues to punch. He does not fancy himself a violent person but right now, he cannot seem to find a feasible channel for his rage other than this director’s face.
“Jesus,” Seungsik shouts as Seungwoo continues to pummel the man’s face. “Seungwoo stop. What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”
“Ask him!” Seungwoo says, voice abnormally flat. He still holds the man by his collar. “Ask this fucker what he’s been doing. Ask him!” The director groans in pain, face bloody. The room is silent. Seungwoo belatedly notices that, in fact, they are not completely alone. Three shocked looking attendants stand rooted to their spot. The bloodied man moans, “You’re a bastard. I’ll end your fucking career.”
“You can’t threaten me with what’s already gone.” Seungwoo says. “I’ll make sure you’ll rot in jail, mark my words.” Seungwoo shoves him and as soon as he stands up, one of the attendants approaches and promptly stomps her shoe onto the director’s thigh. The man screams. Seungwoo is mildly surprised.
“You deserve death.” She says. “Or a few life sentences.”
“Can somebody tell me what in the world is happening?” Seungsik bellows, “And somebody better call an ambulance before he bleeds to death.”
“The article.” Seungwoo replies, “Have you read it?”
“It’s him?” Seungsik questions, “I’m assuming because you don’t normally go out of your way to beat someone to an inch of their life.”
“He’s been on to most, if not all, of us.” The lady, Serim, says. Her ID card says she’s a makeup artist. “We can’t do anything about it because he’d threaten us and we’d never get any sort of job in the industry.”
Seungsik’s eyes narrow. He crouches in front of the man and in his most menacing tone, questions. “Is that true?”
“How dare you accu-!”
Slap. “Is that true. It’s a yes or no question.”
“I will end you too, Seungsik Kang. I will end you too.”
Another slap. “You don’t have to. If you’re the monster that they claim to be, this film will be your last. Our words versus yours, I don’t think you have any idea of what sort of difficult spot you’re in right now. You better shut the fuck up or this will get even more ugly real fast.”
“Sik, the medic’s here.” Serim punctuates, “Also Seungwoo, you’ve a phone call from Yohan Kim. He says it’s urgent.”
Seungsik scoffs, “For real? We should just let him bleed to death. What do you think, noona?”
Serim shakes her head, “I guess we’re all about to go jobless after this mess.”
“Don’t worry.” Seungwoo takes the phone from her hand, “If you could get enough people to testify against him. we’ll take this to court, it’s the least I can do.”
“Fantastic, I know a good lawyer. Now somebody get him out of my fucking dressing room.”
//
Seungwoo cannot exactly remember what happened a few days ago. Among other things, he seems to have lost a concrete grasp of time. Though he could still remember how Seungyoun’s dark hair looked against his ecru sheets, he could still remember how a drunken flush settled beautifully on Seungyoun’s cheeks, he could still remember the feeling of Seungyoun’s skin under his palms. Yet it all feels like an eternity has lapsed since.
Seungyoun’s still on white sheets now, but his face is pale in sleep. Without a trace of makeup on his visage, Seungwoo finally notices every little flaw. His chest clenches painfully. He loves Seungyoun so much that it physically hurts to see him like this.
Seungyoun’s in the ER. Yohan told him earlier. The photographer’s exhaustion was clear even on the other end of the line. Hangyul called to tell me. Says some anti, I presume your anti, put chlorine into his drink. Seungwoo’s hands were immediately ice cold. He’s stable now. But Seungwoo, if you don’t act fast enough this won’t be the last of it. The company isn’t even doing anything to protect Seungyoun at this point. They refuse to condemn whoever did this because they don’t want to bring even more heat to his and your name. Do something Seungwoo, do it soon.
The hospital suite houses no one but Seungyoun’s sleeping figure and Seungwoo who is sat on a chair beside Seungyoun’s bed. It is silent. Seungwoo could hear his own thoughts screaming at him. He puts a hand over his face and muffles his cries. His entire body quakes and he cannot stop himself. He openly sobs and he hears how raw he sounds. He suddenly remembers being twenty-two trying to stifle his tears underneath scalding showers, he remembers how horribly he had felt after he had allowed himself to be used. He remembers a regret that tasted so incredibly bitter on his tongue.
What goes around comes around and maybe this is his penance.
Fingers through his hair, “Seungwoo hyung?”
His eyes meet Seungyoun’s familiar amber gaze. He blinks, wills the tears away but it’s all futile. “Seungyoun.”
Seungyoun sits up and he clutches his head. “Wow shit, that was some fucking hardcore apple juice. I thought I was gonna die.”
Seungwoo gives him a watery smile and realizes that merely a week stood between the eve of Seungyoun’s twenty-third birthday and all the shit show that followed right after .
“Do you need me to call the doc?”
“I’m fine hyung.” Seungyoun grits his teeth and bites back a groan. When did we all start saying fine when we actually meant, everything is fucked up, “It’s been a crazy week. Insane.”
“I know an apology will never suffice for what you’ve gone through but I am truly so fucking sorry, Seungyoun.” Despite the implications of their situation, Seungwoo’s voice remains flat, toneless and without an inflection of feeling. He inhales. “If I was against this idea from the very beginning you wouldn’t have to go through this hell with me. None of this would have happened to you. I’m really sorry, Youn. I’m sorry I can’t do anything to at least cushion the blow. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Seungyoun does not speak a thing for sometime. He stares at the window, eyes trained onto the yellow tulips in the vase near the window. His expression is open and Seungwoo sees every pain.
“You don’t need to apologize, Seungwoo hyung.” Seungyoun says yet he does not meet Seungwoo’s gaze. “No use crying over spilled milk. Though it’s mildly irritating that even after all the things that’s been said and done, I still don’t know you. But at the same time, it occurred to me that I have no right to ask these sort of things about your personal life. I guess I got so caught up in it a tad too much. It’s easy to forget the part where you don’t care about me, since you don’t have to. At the end of the day, the truth is that we’re both simply strangers turned casualties of this fucking industry. What happened was brutal, but I can’t fully say I didn’t expect it either.”
Seungwoo cannot readily decide which hurt more; Seungyoun indirectly dismissing all that’s transpired between them, or the fact that his singular source of joy is evading him faster than fine sand through his fingers. But Seungyoun is otherwise correct. Seungwoo’s emotions cannot come into play at this time without further complicating the situation. Seungyoun even made it easier for him, after all Seungyoun’s convinced that even in Seungwoo’s most vulnerable state, it was still an act. He made it easier for Seungwoo to step away without compromising anything.
It wasn’t an act, not even from the beginning.
“But can I tell you that it still hurt?” Seungyoun continues and his voice breaks at the tail end of his statement. “I have no right to feel like this but hyung, fuck, I am in love with you. I don’t think there was a point where I had to force things. It was real hyung, everything was real on my side. I never meant for any of this to happen but somewhere along this entire fucking mess I found a side you never showed the cameras and I fell in love with it. I fell in love with you. I love you so much hyung and the fact that you don’t feel the same is shredding me to pieces.”
“Seungyoun please --”
The idol faces him and whatever Seungwoo would reply to that statement dies on his lips at the sight of Seungyoun’s misery.
“Is that alright with you hyung? Can you not dismiss my feelings so casually? I don’t need you to feel the same. I don’t need you to love me back, but at least let me be at peace with this.”
It is better this way. Seungwoo’s emotions does not have to matter, real or not it won’t save him from the repercussions of his past. In retrospect, it might even bring more harm than good. No one’s going to believe that a monster like Seungwoo Han -- who sexually assaulted women, who was involved in prostitution and drugs -- is in love with someone as faultless as Seungyoun. The monster is in love with an angel. Oh how romantic. But this isn’t a drama. Worst case scenario, Seungyoun will receive even more open condemnation for allowing himself to be fooled.
It’s better to cut their ties here where damage control is possible.
After all, Seungwoo’s life has always been a constant adjustment to other people’s thoughts and judgments. This time, he would rather keep everything to himself. Seungyoun doesn’t need to know the truth lest he get himself needlessly involved. Everything up to this point has been Seungwoo’s doing and the right thing to do is fix it himself. In one final act of valiance, he will save Seungyoun and walk to hell himself.
From the beginning they were destined to a glorious car crash end.
“I’m sorry Seungyoun.”
You’re god at this. This reality is your set. Cameras blink red.
Action.
“You don’t have to apologize, hyung.”
“No, I’m sorry that you’re caught up in this mess. I promise you, I will fix it. From now on, you don’t have to worry about anything.” Seungwoo can hear the ice in his own voice, the apathy that rubs salt into every wound he tries to forget. “Trust me, Seungyoun. I will fix it.”
Seungyoun is silent, breath caught at the back of his throat. “Do I mean so little to you, hyung? Don’t you think I deserve the truth? Don’t you think I deserve to know?”
“It is what it is, Seungyoun and I am truly sorry. I never knew this would happen. But I guess, what goes around always comes around.”
Seungyoun sucks in an unstable breath, his head bowed and his shoulders slumped. Seungwoo desires nothing else but to hold him.
“I’m sorry, Seungyoun. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. I was stupid, I got caught up in it. Forget about everything I said, sunbae. None of it matters now.”
Nothing lances deeper than the knowledge of the hurt he has inflicted but there is nothing that can be done other than to quietly step back, Seungyoun will eventually thank him for this. Before he stands up, he silently puts a small velvet box on Seungyoun’s bed. “It was a part of your birthday gift. Something to remember me by.” Inside the box is a thin silver band. It was previously displayed behind a glass window in a Swedish antique shop. The history of the jewelry brought intrigue for its tragic air of romance. Then, it was simply a story. Seungwoo never would have known that merely days later, the ring would be an insignia for his own life.
“Good bye, Seungyoun.”
//
The Life and Times of Han Seungwoo: The Actor of the Decade
[continued]
“He was a brilliant boy.”
Those were the words of director Kang. It is simply surprising that despite the truth, Kang still regards Seungwoo as the epitome of what a movie star should be. By now, you my dear reader, must be confused. What truth? What has Seungwoo hidden from us all these years? I had such burning questions myself. What sort of secrets did the ever pristine Seungwoo Han, hide?
Director Kang had a most profound look on his face. Sadness was on the forefront of my mind but upon a closer look, it was not sadness but a disappointment that stemmed from anger. By this time, I was mildly intrigued.
“He started on the right foot, heading onto a good path. I guess everyone in the industry started with the same passion, with the same respect for their craft. I’m not saying that everyone will survive but it’s not usually the most idealistic who hits it big. I have to say though that Seungwoo was idealistic. He had such sparkling high hopes. You wouldn’t dare dash that sort of hope from the beginning.”
By this time, I was not just mildly intrigued. I was thoroughly confused. The director immediately took pity and his next words would eventually floor most of you.
“I worked with Seungwoo before and after his success. I never would have imagined that he could be capable of something so incredibly heinous. For as long as I knew him, I believed that he wouldn’t allow fame to get into his head and let it to control him. It never occurred to me, not even once, that he would get so wrapped up in his success that he would think he was above the law.”
I could not fully explain my shock. His words completely rendered me speechless. Director Kang’s candor did not fully hide his hurt and I could only assume that if you have been catching up with the news lately and you are a big Seungwoo fan, you will not like the truth. These days, a series of incriminating articles had been steadily popping up slowly but surely revealing the ugly past of a certain ‘A’ and never in my wildest dreams did I think that ‘A’ would be Seungwoo Han, the most celebrated actor for nearly a decade.
Now look at all these people you have put on the highest pedestal and really think. Behind their seemingly perfect lives hide a past that we will never know. So think, really think.
//
Dispatch: “‘A’ is Seungwoo Han?”
[+156711, -22980] but think, if A is Seungwoo and with all the news lately, why hasn’t a single victim come forward? Don’t you think that’s odd? I’m still taking all of these with a grain of salt.
[+100342, -12323] brb slowly burning everything related to seungwoo. i’m cursing him. I hope he rots in jail. I can’t believe that I was so in love with him. Thinking about those years make my skin crawl.
[+90323, -11902] I don’t know. The fact that no one, except a has been director, came forward to allegedly prove the rumors doesn’t sit too well with me. Sure, I don’t trust anyone but I’m giving Seungwoo the benefit of doubt until he’s proved to be innocent, otherwise I truly hope he goes to jail.
[+89011, -20500] I can’t believe Seungyoun is involved with him. It’s disgusting. They’re both disgusting. Maybe they’re even doing drugs together? Fuck, just die already.
//
Worldwide Trends
1 #WeWantTheTruth
2 Seungwoo
3 #RemoveSeungyoun
4 disgusting
5 #X1Disband
6 Seungyoun
7 actors
8 WHAT THE FUCK
9 Kang Sangwoo
10 Yohan Kim
//
Yohan Kim @photoyohan
[image attached]
It’s all a fucking lie.