Chapter Text
A nomadic lifestyle suited me quite well, or at least, for the period of time I could allow that. Perhaps had my life gone differently, I would've spent it all on the roads, both those traveled and those buried in moss. Hidan took to it as well, though of course he was far more accustomed to it. He'd spent weeks, sometimes months traveling, both before swearing loyalty to the Akatsuki and during when he'd be sent on missions as a former Yuga nin. Home hadn't been a concept for Hidan in ages, and for me, it hadn't ever really been one. My home wasn't exactly a somewhere, but a someone—I'd really turned god-awfully sappy. I could blame that on hormones, and I was fully willing to, I wasn't above it.
In the first few months, perhaps three or so, Hidan and I wandered and traveled in relative ease. We even separated on occasion, though we always found our way back to each other, seldom straying too far. I wasn't sure Hidan trusted my ability to protect myself, the same as I didn't trust him to stay out of trouble. I wasn't looking to attract too much attention, too much of a name; I knew it was only a matter of time before the Akatsuki caught wind of us. Hidan's survival would be seen as a betrayal, once Pein learned he'd failed to return. It wasn't as if either of us had any urge to run and sell the secrets and information of the Akatsuki, in fact, we were more than happy to never hear the name ever again.
Another reason Hidan and I sometimes spent time away was probably due to how differently we lived. Hidan stormed through it all, itching for something, longing for something; a bunch of somethings that I knew were going to expose his survival eventually. People would recognize him, one half of the infamous zombie duo that had terrorized for years, the man who cheated death and would stand up again just to curse you up and down, even with a knife right through his heart. I didn't care for chasing my next kill, hunting that adrenaline and excitement the same way Hidan did. I found myself satiated with the peace of the forest, the soothing murmur of a river, or the cool breezes when traipsing up a mountain path on the trail of a herd of deer.
I'd spent my entire life locked away from the world, I was starved for it, and I was going to get my fill.
Hidan usually was the one to find his way back to me, tacked on with a muttered "damn wolf" upon finding me. It was a phrase I'd heard often, and nowadays I tended to only smirk in response. We'd spend several days together before dividing up again. Despite my affinity for spending time alone, I was always a little averse to let him go. He always brought something back for me with him, from supplies to cash, and I tended to neglect asking him where he got it all. I guess Kakuzu's habit of bounty hunting rubbed off on Hidan, after all.
There was a problem however, a growing problem, and one I was extremely reluctant to actually tell Hidan about. It was going to throw a wrench into this whole newfound setup, however finite it might've been. I'd gone out of my way to dress loosely and avoid undressing in front of Hidan, but by the end of the third month, it was too hard, too exhausting. In the end, I ended up not having to tell him at all. Of course he'd end up noticing, he'd have to be a brick wall not to see it. The sickness, the easy exhaustion that left me pausing several times during the day, the odd craving for anything strawberry that I kept sneaking into the odd village or town to find? Not to mention that, finally, my belly would bulge a bit even under the baggiest clothes, if I turned a certain way. I was the oblivious one, thinking he'd never suspect.
It came on a freezing morning, in a breathless timbre of astonishment and horror. "You're fucking pregnant."
I froze, staring down at the running water of the sink as if I might just follow the water down the drain. I'd convinced Hidan into a hotel last night when the temperature dropped so low, and of all the places that would be so easy to hide myself, I'd forgotten to shut the bathroom door. He'd been gone when I woke up, I hadn't assumed he'd come back so soon—where did he pick up being so quiet and why the hell would he pick such a terrible time to show it off?
Instinctively, I rested a hand across my swollen belly, exposed by the robe I'd put on after a shower, fighting a surge of protectiveness. I turned around just enough to look at Hidan, where he stood in the doorway with a tight jaw, studying me. Silence stretched between us in what felt like a rapidly building gap, his eyes boring into mine as I returned the look calmly, despite my hand staying in guard across my stomach.
"When the fuck were you planning on telling me?" Hidan finally asked, not quite angry, but sharp with accusation. He hadn't taken a step towards me, so I relaxed, though I wasn't really sure I ever genuinely expected him to endanger us—me…us.
I opened my mouth before I had an answer, and stood there for a moment with a lost expression, reaching for an explanation while Hidan waited, lifting his chin as if to prompt me. Well? Go on, his eyes said. I swallowed dryly. "When…the baby got here?" I said, offering a weak answer. Hidan scowled, and I turned away with a grimace. "Look, I don't want to say, okay? I didn't know what to do, I still don't know what to do!" I snapped a little, though I knew I didn't really have any right. It was becoming tedious to travel; I was tired, I was getting sore, and I was afraid. I couldn't travel with a newborn, it would put them at risk, it would put us at risk. A child needed a home, they needed stability. A child needed what I never had.
I wanted our baby to live the life Hidan and I didn't.
Hidan stared at me for another moment before he exhaled the tension from his shoulders, rolling his eyes before he walked into the bathroom. I stubbornly kept my gaze pointed to the side. "Fuck's sake," I heard him mutter under his breath. "I'm really going to have to deal with a miniature fucking version of you, now?"
A huff of surprised laughter escaped me, and I relaxed backwards against the counter. "They're going to be part you too, bastard," I muttered, using an insult I'd picked up from Hidan in Yuga. Hidan snorted, and I felt a cool palm rest against my belly, swollen with life. We were still for a moment, perhaps both finally coming to terms with the—our—baby.
Without a word, Hidan turned around and began to walk away, and I felt my heart jump up into my throat; the only thing stopping me from saying his name. After everything, after what I'd done, after what we'd done, he was going to leave me alone? He was going to leave me alone with a child? He couldn't, I—
"There's a small village north of here. Small, secluded, they don't fuck around with anyone else and it's too fucking far for anyone to bother with it. As far as anyone else is concerned, the fucking place doesn't exist," Hidan explained, while I blinked owlishly.
"You're going to leave me there?" I asked, my voice barely rising above a whisper. Hidan shot a look over his shoulder, pointedly glancing at my stomach.
"I'm sure as fuck not delivering a screaming fucking demon in the middle of a lake," he remarked dismissively. I could feel my heart sinking out of its panicked spot in my throat, dropping way past where it belonged back in my chest. Before I could open my mouth though, Hidan went on, not appearing to sense my distress. "Besides, if you're going to end up with another mouth to feed, guess I'll have to fucking take care of that, too."
He'd mumbled it under his breath, clearly not very interested in the baby, but that slight, if wary reassurance, was all I needed. He wasn't abandoning me. No, he was going out of his way to make sure I'd stay safe and could take care of our baby. Unbidden, tears sprung to my eyes, and I began to laugh. Hidan turned around fully with furrowed brows, probably truly questioning my stability at that point. I reached up to wipe away the tears, still hiccupping with laughter; or maybe I was just crying, hard to tell anymore.
"Thank you," I murmured, and surprise flitted across Hidan's expression. Almost as soon as it was there, it was gone, replaced by another scowl as he waved a dismissive hand in my direction.
"Get your shit and get ready. It's a week or two hike, and we're fucking getting there before you get so big I have to carry you." He stormed out of the room after that, while I smiled at his back. Good or bad, I was stuck with him, and I was just fine with that. Still, I glanced down at my bump, petting it affectionately.
"Don't turn out like him," I whispered. I'd never survive that.
Village life was too stagnant for Hidan, a fact I knew long before we'd even arrived in the concealed and sleepy little village. There was an otherworldly air about the place though, sometimes something too out of the ordinary happened, and bringing attention to those moments felt like a law that was never broken. If I were to come into this village, an unfamiliar and untrustworthy face with an unspoken of past, then the least I could do was respect their customs. The people of this village, affectionately dubbed Heiwa Village, or perhaps they'd simply long forgotten the true name, were all smiles and helping hands.
Apparently, people passed through here often, but they seldom came back twice and it was even rarer for someone to settle. I came skittering in behind a foul-mouthed and intimidating rogue shinobi, and while I was afraid Hidan would frighten them out of opening a spot for me somewhere within these safe walls, no one here seemed more than bemused. The first to approach us was an older woman, her greying hair tied into a strict braid that fell over one shoulder. Though she was sage and withered, her eyes were sharp and her hands steady as she regarded Hidan with an unaffected smile. When she turned her gaze to me, I felt myself drawn out from hiding, nudging past Hidan towards her extended hand.
"She can stay. You, on the other hand, can visit," the woman had remarked, brooking no argument despite Hidan's affronted expression. How the old woman had known the purpose we sought here I still didn't know, as she had a way of avoiding questions; by the time you realized she'd never even answered, though, you were an hour into one of her stories. Her name was Kana, and she seemed to have lived countless lives, but this current one was that of a medic, and she loved to regale me with stories of her as a little girl aiding her mother in medical tents. Now, Kana ran the single clinic in the village, and she did so with endless empathy, patience, and a sharp tongue that quieted any disgruntled patience.
Much like Kana had first said, though I suspected she'd been joking (it was simply hard to tell with her wry tones) Hidan was more tolerated than he was welcomed into the village. It wasn't that he stayed much in the first place, often only staying a few days at a time only to leave for a longer period. I wasn't much put-off by it, the idea of what he'd do being cooped up in a drowsy village was enough to make me pale.
Although, I was impressed he managed to remember where to find the cozy home I'd made for myself; with plenty of help of course, but once I'd stumbled across the hidden corner, I knew it was mine, and immediately set about building a home. It was small, but I liked it that way; plenty of room for me and a little one. Hidan's fleeting presence wasn't enough to make it feel cramped. If anything, it made it feel more like a home, but I'd sooner swallow my tongue than say that out loud.
My pregnancy progressed faster than what felt normal, but it also wasn't like I had anything to compare it to. Kana monitored me, and while she did have a couple of subordinate medics and a few young apprentices, I was only willing to allow her near me. Too many sets of hands, too many prying questions, it was too much for me to handle. There was something about Kana, in her witty banter and her gentle but sturdy hands, her green eyes that glinted with mirth and her always welcoming "Oh, come in honey!" when she saw me.
She'd called me that since meeting me, and never anything else, aside from the occasional "careful, girl" when I pushed myself too much. Even heavily pregnant, I tended to wander, walking aimlessly through the forest and along the river that cut through it. Sometimes it wore me out a little too much, and I found myself waddling into Kana's clinic to sleep on her couch rather than make my way back to my own home, on the outskirts of the village. I liked the privacy, the fine line that was my own little world away from everyone else's. But I liked Kana, too. Closer to the end of my eighth month carrying this gravid belly of mine, I had chosen to stay closer to Kana, urged by her to take up residence in a spare room of her clinic.
After all, I wasn't quite human, so she wasn't quite an expert, and I certainly wasn't either. Even so, Kana maintained a calmness that I certainly lacked when the day finally came.
It was a sharp pain that made my vision go stark white, and when I blinked clarity back into my eyes, I was bent over and holding my stomach. Kana had crossed the room in impressive time (or not, for all I knew, I'd been bent over like that for an hour) and took my arm, ushering me to a cot to rest on. I could hear her instructions, mingled with reassurance and praise as she helped me to strip my lower clothes off and prop myself onto the cot. It all felt very clinical, rehearsed, and I still remember tasting panic like bitter gin down the back of my throat.
The pain was immense, the work was exhausting, but the moment I heard that cry, absolutely everything faded into a blissful, peaceful, nothingness. The only thing in the world was the squirming bundle of blankets that Kana pressed into my shaking arms, her mouth pulled into a proud smile. "She's all yours, honey."
Yes, she was.
Bright, fuchsia eyes blinked up at me suddenly, her crying ceasing as if she were surprised and just had to pause and study me, and her face was soon blurred by tears. She was mine, but she was so very much Hidan's, too. I stroked her cheek, marveling at how soft she felt. "My little treasure," I whispered, leaning back as she twisted her little mouth, round eyes blinking again. For all I had lamented, feared, and resented this pregnancy in the beginning, for all I had doubted my ability to care for and raise another living person, the moment I saw her look up at me with those eyes, I had a hard time believing anything else so perfect could exist.
Bringing her close, I pressed a kiss to my baby's forehead, only paying the faintest of attention to Kana tending to me and cleaning up the mess and afterbirth. I was far too focused on my girl, and as her cooing grew more insistent, I felt the instinctive understanding that she was hungry, and I was thankful that for now, her needs were so simple to understand. Or, maybe, I was just too exhausted to have the energy to worry about anything more complicated than tugging my gown down and pulling her to my breast.
"You're a natural," I heard Kana murmur. I stared mesmerized at my daughter as she drank, amazed I could be the one to nourish her.
"Nothing's ever come so naturally for me," I whispered, reluctant to put it in the air for fear that would beckon something to take it away from me.
Kana smiled wryly. "Love makes nothing easy, but it makes everything possible," she told me with a pat to my leg. I smiled myself, laughing a bit drunkenly. Kana took her leave to allow us to rest, though I spent ages just admiring the little bundle, even as her eyelids drifted shut, her mouth still suckling until she passed right out. I couldn't bring myself to tear my gaze away, I didn't want this moment to end, I didn't want her to disappear.
"My beautiful girl."
Our beautiful girl.
The sound of distant whimpering roused me from a heavy sleep; no matter how deeply I slept now, the slightest noise woke me, even if it was only the baby rustling her blanket. I blinked hazily at the dim moonlit crib across the room, briefly lost until I remembered where I was. Kana had guided me back to my home that morning, a few days after I'd given birth. I was sore and tender, and more tired than I'd ever thought possible, but so very, wholly happy. I could hardly stand to put the baby to sleep in her own crib, and even then, I knelt there with my fingers poked through the bars so her tiny hand could grasp at them.
I dragged myself from my bed and shuffled over to the crib to gather her into my arms, where she quieted instantly, though her little round eyes stared to the side, as if something had frightened her awake. I hushed her softly as I got back into bed, leaning against the headboard and cuddling her close, even as she continued to coo and wiggle about. I was already tragically aware that the little thing was taking after me, and she preferred to spend her nights awake.
Suddenly, the sound of a creaking floorboard sent my heart hurtling into my chest, and I snapped my head up to confront the danger. In the doorway stood a familiar face, and after a moment the relief hit me, allowing me to collapse back against the headboard and exhale the breath I'd held deep.
Hidan stood frozen, just outside the room. His gaze had landed on the tiny girl I held clutched to my chest, his mouth somewhat slack as he studied her as if he'd never seen a baby in his life. He couldn't quite decide if she was real. Finally, he glanced up towards me, perhaps to confirm the baby's presence, or maybe even to confirm I was okay. I couldn't help a wide, if drowsy, grin. "Are you going to stand there all night, or come see her?" I murmured, though the baby was very awake, her curious gaze (so young, but so very intelligent, it scared me, but I wasn't going to face that just yet) drawn up to the strange man in the doorway.
Snapping out of his trance, Hidan tightened his jaw, and for a moment I thought he might continue to stand and watch. But after a second, he slowly came into the room and approached the bedside. He stared down at her for a moment, and she, without a doubt, stared right back up at him. I was willing to bet she knew exactly who he was, just as she'd known who I was when she was placed upon my chest.
Hidan was silent for several moments before he spoke, startling me a bit as I was already on the verge of delirious. Hell, for all I knew, I was still asleep; if people sleep-walked, I could sleep-hold my own kid. "You give it a fucking name?" he asked gruffly, but he kept his voice low. As soon as he spoke, the baby, as I had, jolted a bit, blinking in amazement.
"Takara," I whispered thoughtfully, "she's a little treasure." Hidan scoffed, as I knew he probably would, but he didn't begrudge my choice. It wasn't like I would let him, I'd been the one carrying and laboring. I happened to glance up just in time to catch him in the midst of a half-smile, his gaze locked on our little girl. I watched as he reached up, perhaps the slowest and most careful I had ever seen him, and brushed a thumb against Takara's cheek. She raised her little hand towards Hidan's, and curled her fingers around one of his, holding an infinite strength in her impossibly small body. Hidan cocked a brow, but he didn't pull away. Much like me—Takara wasn't going to be one to let him.
As if he'd heard that thought, Hidan muttered under his breath. "She's going to fucking take after you." Oh, how tragic. I didn't answer though, fixated on Takara's glittering eyes as she stared in awe at Hidan's finger trapped within her stubborn grip.
"Here, take her for a while," I murmured suddenly, having been clinging to consciousness by a thread. "I'm exhausted, and she's already infatuated with you." I gently pushed Takara into Hidan's arms while he awkwardly adjusted his hold, neither of us arguing nor waiting for a reply. I rolled over to nestle down, listening to Takara's amazed coos. Once upon a time, I'd have sooner killed Hidan than allowed him to hold any child of mine, regardless if it belonged to him. But, also once upon a time, Hidan would have probably sooner killed the child, or perhaps even me. We'd changed something in each other, and while sometimes I still wondered if it was for the best, I never wondered anymore if I regretted it.
Amaya had shoved her little pink, whining bundle at me before I could say a fucking word, and then she fucked off back to sleep. She looked well, healthy, much better than I think she had in the last couple of months when she could barely fucking get up without cringing, but she was also clearly fucking drunk on exhaustion. She kept that dazed smile on her face the entire time, looking at the wriggling baby on her chest. She had the same look in her eyes that she—
I looked down, furrowing my brows at the round gaze the brat was staring at me with, her mouth hanging open. I'd never known something could be so fucking…small. With a sigh, I adjusted her and went to sink into the chair beside the wooden crib. I could've dumped her back into the crib and left, but…well, she was mine, I was allowed to fucking look at her a little while. She was all wrinkly and soft, but she looked so much like her mother, it almost left me reeling. Her nose, her mouth, the downy tufts of red peeking out from under the blanket. Her eyes, though, her eyes were all mine.
I wasn't sure how I felt about it.
Suddenly, Takara reached up a tiny fist, and grabbed at my pendant hanging down at my chest. I smirked when she tugged on it, her determined gaze locked. "Hey, be fuckin' careful with that," I murmured, and I watched as she looked up at me, her little mouth setting into a firm pout, and oh, fuck—that was more like her mother than anything else.
I leaned my head back and sighed, unable to look at her for another second, but unable to put the damn fucking thing down either. I'd known better, I'd fucking told myself not to act like an idiot, and I'd still done it. I'd thought I wouldn't get attached, I'd assumed I'd be able to just get a look at them, make sure they were fine.
I wasn't going to come back. After Amaya had delivered, I had promised myself I wasn't going to fucking come back. I'd found her a safe place, I'd made sure she'd be taken care of, I owed her at least that, but the biggest debt I owed her was to leave her alone. I couldn't raise a kid, I had no fucking business being around something as fragile and delicate as the thing in my arms. She was Amaya's, and Amaya had earned this…earned being the fuck away from me.
But I was selfish, I always had been, and even she couldn't change every fucking part. She'd changed enough, hadn't she? The fucking bitch. I'd known it from the start.
I looked back down at Takara, and noticed she was beginning to fall asleep, apparently just as tired as her mother. I stroked a finger against her cheek again, and when she reached up and planted a palm right against my chest, just over my heart, I cursed. I was lost, fucking enslaved by the likes of something the size of a fucking cat.
I glanced up when Amaya rolled over, her face relaxed in a serene smile even when asleep, still always showing her real self when she was sleeping. Now though, she smiled much more often when awake, too.
I'd been lost for a long fucking time, and I knew there was no coming back. So, fuck it. They were mine, and I would kill anyone who laid a fucking hand on them.