Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“You really won’t go?” Namjoon asks him for the third time as he studies Taehyung’s pass to the press conference. To Jeongguk’s press conference.

They’re in Taehyung’s room which is bathed in darkness due to the curtains being pulled closed and all the lights being off. He’s wallowing in the most blatant manner.

Taehyung shakes his head from his slouched position on his bed, his hand on the empty spot Jeongguk was sleeping on just a few hours ago. 

Jeongguk’s team was quick to undo the damage his absence had caused, they had a statement out by daybreak, and scheduled another conference to make up for the last missed one for the same day of his return at noon. The statement that had been released said he had made a quick and full recovery and will hold a press conference for his original cause as well as to answer any additional questions the press may have as a sorry for the cancellation of his original conference. It makes Taehyung a little sick to his stomach that his team didn’t even allow him a day from his return to make any type of appearance. For all they know he could be running on no sleep. 

It’s 10 a.m now. The conference will be held in just two short hours. He can see him again—take one last look at his face—

“You still have time to change your mind,” Namjoon says as if reading Taehyung’s thoughts. “I think he’d like to see you. Well. It may be a shock but—”

“I can’t,” he rasps as he rubs a hand over his face. His eyes are swollen from the crying session he had when he got home. He knows his friend can tell but chooses not to comment. 

“I don’t think he’d be too upset about you being the press—“

Taehyung cuts him off with a humorless laugh. “He knows, Namjoon. He already knows. He figured it out, probably knew the entire time.”

Namjoon looks genuinely shocked. “There’s no way.”

“We’re not as smart as we think we are. And he’s not as naive as we thought he was either.”

“No, Taehyung. It doesn’t make sense for him to know. Why would he spend the entire day with us if he knew? And the club—no one in their right mind would willingly take members of the press there when they’re not even out.”

“Just shows how unbelievably trusting he is, huh? Trusting and kind and—“ He feels the tears accumulate and inhales before he can cry. “Fuck. I let him go once, Namjoon I can’t do it again. I just can’t. I can’t see him, it has to end here.”

Namjoon sighs and puts Taehyung’s pass down on his dresser. “I’m leaving this just in case you change your mind. There’s something else I have to ask you, though.” 

He really doesn’t want any more questions but given how much Namjoon has helped him in the last 24hours he really can’t say no. “Shoot.”

Namjoon drops a manilla envelope onto his lap. “I developed the photos myself. These are the only copies. I was going to give him any you didn’t want to keep.”

Taehyung’s heart skips a beat or two as his trembling hands hold the envelope. He opens it the photos spill out into his hand.

The first photo is of the two of them sitting at the table of the brunch shop, Taehyung holding the cigarette to Jeongguk’s mouth. He remembers that moment, the way his fingers had brushed against Jeongguk’s lips. The next one is of Jeongguk taking a pull of the cig and Taehyung watching him. Even he can see how fond he looked even then. He laughs wetly, sniffling as a few tears escape. 

The next photos are of them riding the Vespas. Those were taken from either the back of the side. His favorite is the one where Jeongguk is leaned back against his chest as Taehyung takes control of the handles. Their hair both windswept from Jeongguk’s previous driving where they almost got into several accidents. 

There are a few of them in the subway. His favorite is the one where Taehyung has Jeongguk pulled against his chest on the terminal while people start to exit the train. It’s a little blurry, but they’re the focus of the picture with the blurred images of the strangers walking past the lense. Jeongguk is looking back at him and saying something, probably thanking him and Taehyung is giving him this smile. They… they look like a couple. Without a doubt. The photos just look even more intimate as there’s one where Jeongguk is pressed against the subway doors and Taehyung is shielding him with his body from the many bodies on the train. 

That’s really where the photos end.

“Do you want any?”

“I—”

There’s one, still on the train, still pressed impossibly close, where they’re both looking at each other and—is that how they looked to everyone else? Like a couple through and through? Taehyung’s face isn’t visible but Jeongguk’s is, and he’s looking at Taehyung with shining eyes and the gentlest smile. 

“This one,” he says and hands Namjoon back the stack. “He can have the rest.”

Namjoon nods and pockets the envelope. “Alright. I’ll see you later, Tae.”

He nods and stands up, ready to show Namjoon out. “Yeah.”

—

Ever since Jeongguk showed back up to his hotel room he’s been on autopilot. He didn’t answer any of the staff's questions inquiring where he had been and what he was thinking. He ignored Hoseok’s knowing but gentle stares. He even ignored Seokjin’s concerned questions. Instead, he had turned to all of them, and in the most emotionless voice he never knew he had, he told them he was tired and to leave. He told them he didn’t ask politely as he usually does. 

He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget their stricken expressions, Seokjin’s in particular. At the moment he didn’t feel guilty about it. He was tired, he wanted to sleep. He wanted to cry and he wanted to do so in private. They had left him alone. Until the sun had risen and he was informed that his press conference will be held today. 

His stomach had dropped at the news. Would Taehyung be there? He can’t say he knows the answer. It would break the illusion they created, wouldn’t it? Jeongguk and Taehyung would no longer just be normal people who happened to meet in the streets of New York, it would be Jeongguk the philanthropist and Taehyung the reporter. Can he deal with the shattering of such a lovely illusion? Can Taehyung? 

He didn’t allow himself to think about it for too long. 

And here he is, minutes away from stepping outside to face the crowd. Seeing if Taehyung will show up. Hoping he will yet hoping he won’t. It was hard enough to turn his back to him the first time. 

“Do you know what to say?” Seokjin asks him, breaking through his thoughts.

“Yes.”

There’s a pause.

“Jeongguk are you okay?”

Something snaps inside of him. Anger. Anger rises like hot magma. “It’s too late to ask that question don’t you think?” It’s always too late. People start asking questions and worrying too late. It happened with his brother, it’s happening to him. 

No one had asked him when he was ready for a follow-up conference. No one had asked him if he even wanted one. They hadn’t even waited a day since his return. The schedule was more important.

Seokjin flinches, looking guilty. “We have a tight schedule to abide by. An even tighter one since you disappeared. You have a duty—”

“Don’t throw duty in my face, Jin. I know my duty if I wanted to abandon my responsibilities I wouldn’t have come back last night.” Now Seokjin looks stricken. “Or at all,” he quietly admits. Seokjin’s face pales. 

Jeongguk stands from his chair. “I’m ready. Let’s get this over with.”

The conference goes by in mostly a blur. The questions are standard, asking him how his campaign is going, how his stay in the city was despite his illness. Someone asked him about his tattoo, saying he didn’t have it the day of the banquet. He lies and says he got it afterward, an impulse decision and when asked what it means he only says it’s for my brother, he’ll know what it means when he sees it . 

All in all, it goes by without a hitch, and in the end he steps down the podium and walks up to the reporters to offer his thanks and his sorry for rescheduling. 

It’s then that he sees him. From up on the stage all the reporters as faceless to him, a trick he learned to calm his nerves early on. But down here on the same level, he can see everyone’s individual face. And he sees Namjoon clear as day. Alone. It’s not what he wanted but it’s better than no one at all. 

The illusion he and Taehyung had made of themselves and each other is still intact. 

He looks at Namjoon once and then focuses his gaze back on the reporter in front of him, going through the motions of a handshake and a thanks. There are 4 reporters between him and Namjoon. Just four and he’ll get to him. He has an envelope he wonders if it’s for him.

When he gets in front of him, Namjoon gives him a dimpled smile and then, pulls the ever-familiar lighter out of his pocket. Jeongguk blinks when he flicks it and Jeongguk laughs a bit, not really understanding but happy to see his friend. Can he call him that?

“He couldn't make it,” Namjoon says in Korean, the reporters around them are unable to understand him. Jeongguk’s heart drops a little. “I know he wanted to, but he said it would be too hard to let go a second time. Here,” he hands Jeongguk the envelope and the lighter. “Memories.” 

Jeongguk feels like he’s holding his most prized possession. He doesn’t think Namjoon realizes how much closure he gave him with those words. 

Taehyung wanted to come. But it hurt too much to let him go again. That means something. 

“Thank you.”

Another dimpled smile and then they shake hands and Jeongguk thanks him for coming. He finds he means it, much more than when he says it to the other reporters.

“Who was that?” Seokjin asks him as soon as they’re back in Jeongguk’s room. They’re leaving tonight, he has to pack but most importantly he has to see what’s inside the envelope.

“A friend,” Jeongguk replies vaguely. “I’m going to pack, can you close the door on your way out?”

“I’m not leaving you alone, not after—”

“Jin please,” he begs, his voice cracking. “I’m not running away I just need some privacy. I swear I won’t go anywhere, you can station guards outside the doors if it makes you feel better. Just please leave me alone until it’s time to leave. I can’t—” His voice cracks and his eyes are blurry from the accumulation of tears.

He just needs to see what’s in the envelope and he wants to do that alone, without an audience. He’s tired of performing for the day, tired of putting forward someone he’s not . 

It’s a shock when he’s pulled gently into Seokjin’s chest. The comfort of arms around him only makes him more emotional.

“What have we done to you?” Seokjin asks. He sounds sad and almost like he’s blaming himself. “We’ve pushed you too far.”

He can’t bring himself to deny it, so he bites his bottom lip and wills himself not to cry. 

“I’ll be right next door if you need anything, okay?”

“Thank you.”

He packs first. Now that he’s alone he’s stalling. He tells himself it's to get everything done beforehand so he can give the envelope his full attention. But in reality, he can tell, deep in his bones that whatever is in the envelope will break him and probably make him cry himself to sleep until it’s time to leave. 

If he takes longer than usual to pack up all his belongings, it’s no one’s business but his own. But it can only take so long to pack up the few things he brought with him, so to further distract himself he jumps in the shower, washes his body and hair, and then his tattoo. It only makes him sadder because his hands can never really compare to Taehyung’s gentle ones, with his slender fingers and tender touch. 

It’s only when he’s dressed in comfort, and his bags are piled at the entrance that he grabs the envelope on his desk. It’s inconspicuous, a simple standard letter-sized blank manilla envelope. He turns it over and peels the two aluminum tabs up and then opens the flap.

He wasn’t sure what he’s expecting; a letter maybe? He doesn’t know. But when he reaches in and grabs what’s inside, it’s smooth photograph paper. Oh. 

He spreads the contents out on the table and—oh. Pictures. Oh him and Taehyung. But how? They didn’t have any cameras, the only time they even pulled out their phones was when Jeongguk asked Taehyung to take pictures of him and none of those are in this pile. He realizes now he has no way of retrieving those pictures and reliving the memories. But that’s okay because now he has these. 

He looks at the simple gold-colored lighter. Oh. Namjoon flicking the lighter at the press conference makes sense now. It’s a camera. Looking back, Namjoon flicked the flame plenty of times yesterday, up until they reached the museum and then the lighter stopped making an appearance altogether. 

He slumps down onto the chair and exhales, running a hand through his wet hair. There are so many, and as he thought, the pictures stop on the train ride to the museum. 

He leafs through them, despite what he thought, he’s smiling as he does so. There are so many, and the more the photos progress through their day the more intimate and fond he and Taehyung look in the photos. 

Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but they look like more than just acquaintances, more than just friends. Is this how strangers saw them? 

There’s one that stands out more than the rest, everything and everyone in the photo is blurred besides he and Taehyung. It was back on the subway as they were about to board the train. He remembers that moment when Taehyung had pulled his back against his chest to keep him out of the way from the fast walking passengers getting off the train. Jeongguk is saying something to him and Taehyung is looking at him like—like he’s important or special. 

It’s his favorite.

He exhales hard through his nose as his eyes start to water. Fuck. He drops the photo as he starts to wipe away the fast-rolling tears from his face. There’s really no use, the tears are coming too fast and his face and hands are already wet from attempting to wipe them away. 

He hiccups and gives up altogether, admitting defeat and just cries. 

—

Instead of going to the press conference, he goes home. Not his lonely apartment with constant reminders of Jeongguk. No. He goes home. To his parents, to the apartment he grew up in. 

When his mother answers the door she looks surprised to see him but happy nonetheless. 

“Honey Bear,” she says, pulling him in for a hug and kissing his cheek. “We weren’t expecting you.”

“I know,” he sighs against her shoulder, feeling more relaxed than he has in months. 

“Come in, your father is in the living room.”

His father is sitting on a reclining chair reading a newspaper from the small corner store downstairs. 

“Hi, Appa,” he greets as he leans down to hug and kiss his father’s cheek.

“Honey Bear,” he sounds surprised. “What brings you home?”

“I just missed you both.” 

“We tell you to visit more often,” his father lightly reprimands. 

“I know, Appa. I’ve been busy with work.”

His father tsks but Taehyung thinks he has no room to judge. His father still works despite having recently gone through heart surgery.

“You’re too good for that job of yours. I always told you you should take your talents where they’d be appreciated.” 

“It’s really not that simple, Appa.”

“Because you make it harder than it needs to be.” 

He doesn’t think that’s fair. 

This is him being realistic. Not everyone gets to do what they love, with companies they love and bosses who respect them. It’s unfortunate but it’s the truth. He can hear Namjoon’s voice in his head saying, a horrible by-product of capitalism is that it sucks the joy out of everything and sucks us dry of our passions. He had said that during one of their late-night discussions right after graduating college. Back when they had been sharing a tiny studio apartment and had even shittier jobs with shittier pay.

“Alright that’s enough,” his mother says as she enters the living room with drinks for all three of them. Taehyung takes his drink and quietly thanks her. “No arguing. What have you been up to, Honey Bear?” 

“I,” he pauses and eyes both his parents who are looking at him expectedly. “I made a mistake. A huge mistake,” he admits while he slumps down on the couch.

“What do you mean?” His mother asks with a gentle hand rubbing his back.

“I was going to do something awful, Eomma. I was going to ruin someone’s life. I—”

His father sits up and abandons the newspaper. “What are you talking about, Taehyung?” 

He tells them. Tells them about the horrible plan he and Namjoon agreed on. How malicious his intentions were. How he can’t believe he entertained it for even a second, now looking back. How he really contemplating exposing and hurting one of the kindest people he’s ever met for money of all things.

“But, Taehyung, why would you agree to that?” His father asks, his eyes look heavy and tired. 

“I was overwhelmed,” he admits as he wills himself not to cry. “I was thinking of how much the money could help . You two work so hard and you struggle so much and my wage isn’t enough to make a significant change. And I worry. I worry that you will work yourself to death because you don’t know when to stop and you have too many medical bills—”

“Taehyung,” his father interrupts gently. “Honey Bear. Why didn’t you tell us any of this? Any of your worries?”

“They would only bring more stress,” he cries and immediately feels the warm and gentle embrace of his mother. “How was I supposed to tell you?”

“We’re your parents,” his mother says sharply. “Your burdens are our burdens to share. But our burden is not yours to bear.” 

“It’s not right—”

His mother won’t let him argue. “It’s our duty as parents. And your duty as our child is to live to your fullest potential. That makes us proud. Not how much money you can spare us.” 

Taehyung gulps and then he shakes his head. “I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re not,” his father sternly says. “You felt trapped and you made a mistake but you’re not a bad person. A bad person would have gone forward and exposed that boy but you didn’t .”

“But my intentions—”

“Sometimes intentions aren’t as important as the actions. You did what was right. And that’s all that matters now.”

There’s tense silence in which he processes that. Part of him thinks they’re only saying that to make him feel better, they’re his parents they’re meant to make him feel better. But he also knows his parents aren’t ones to hesitate when it comes to telling him when he’s messed up. And the look in their eyes says they mean every word. 

“This boy… is he important to you?” His father asks hesitantly.

“He can be,” he admits. “But it won’t work, we’re from two different worlds. He’s not even out.”

“If it’s meant to be then you’ll find each other again.” His father was always a bit of a romantic.

He doesn’t tell him it’s impossible. He doesn’t say that it feels hopeless and like it will never happen. He allows himself to have a little hope.

“Can I stay for the weekend?”

“You can stay forever if you wanted, Honey Bear.”

On Monday he goes into work with boxes to empty his cubicle and a letter of resignation. The weekend with his parents had given him much needed clarity. He thought about so much, not just Jeongguk but Taehyung’s own life and how unhappy he is,  and if he just did this one thing I can make him marginally happier. 

His boss wouldn’t stop calling him over the weekend no doubt to demand his story and then threatening to fire him. Too bad Taehyung will be resigning before that can happen. 

He makes a quick stop at his desk to drop off the boxes before making a beeline to his boss’ office, ignoring the nosey looks from his coworkers. 

He knocks and doesn’t wait for the okay to go in,  he just goes.

His boss’ face immediately reddens when he sees him. “You have some nerve walking back in here. Unless you have an article that can say your ass—”

“I’m only here to give you my letter of resignation. I think we both know my time here has run its course.”

He watches his former boss’ hands ball into fists on top of his desk. “ Where is the story?”

“There isn’t one. I’m not a reporter and I won’t write anything that degrades people.  I won’t sacrifice my morals or integrity for a, quite frankly, shit publication company with an even shittier CEO.” 

And wow. That felt good, didn’t it? He might regret it later when he undoubtedly can’t use this company as a reference or on his resume. But damn it feels too good to regret right now.

He places his resignation on the desk as his former boss sputters nonsense. “Have a nice day.”

“Kim,” someone calls from behind him as he walks out the office with his box full, head held high, and a weight lifted off his shoulders.

He turns and sees his coworker, Samantha, a photographer that works on-call with the company, she has many other gigs and really only takes jobs here when she wants some more pocket change. She has no camera or camera bag in her possession, just the clothes on her back and a small handbag. 

“Hey.”

“Let me walk you out, I have something to tell you.”

He lets her even if he’s a little confused, they have always been cordial with one another but he wouldn’t necessarily consider them friends. Even if he does like her as a person and admires her work. 

“What do you need to tell me?” He asks as they stand in the elevator.

“I’ll tell you outside.” 

In front of the building, she turns to him and tucks a platinum blonde box braid behind her ear. 

“Yesterday Big Boss in there assigned me a job. He asked me to scout outside some philanthropist’s hotel room for any ‘fishy’ activity.” 

Taehyung’s stomach drops. He opens his mouth to speak but Samantha raises a perfectly manicured hand to stop him. Her almond-shaped nails are painting a pastel yellow color that compliments her dark skin tone. 

“I didn’t expect to find much, I’m not as much of a pessimist as our boss—well, I guess former boss now, huh? So imagine my surprise when said philanthropist shows up near dawn in a car with my coworker.”

His voice shakes when he talks, “What are you going to do?”

Samantha smiles but it doesn’t look malicious. “I’m glad you asked. I’m going to pretend I didn't see a single thing that night. Just like I told our former boss.”

“Why—why are you even telling me this?”

“I want you to know that someone is on your side. I don’t know how you found him or how you ended up in the car with him in that… position. And I don’t need to know. It’s none of my business and none of the world’s business either. Besides, I told that jerk before that I'm not the paparazzi and I really don’t need this job.”

Taehyung feels gratitude rush over him. “Thank you.”

“ That’s not what you should be thanking me for.”

“What do you mean?”

She pulls a card out of her jacket and puts it in his own jacket pocket. His hands are full of boxes. “I always knew you were too good for this place. It’s a really small publishing company, my friend is the founder and CEO. It’s one of the places I work at from time to time. She can use someone like you. The pay is good and you’ll have the pleasure of not having a racist, bigot for a boss. It’s a comprehensive magazine full of both non-fiction and fictional writers. It’s specific to people of color with an emphasis on LGBT people of color but the writing pieces don’t necessarily have to be about race, gender, or sexuality. It’s more like a safe space for LGBT writers of color.”

Samantha gives him a significant look that says, this is basically right up your alley so just accept it . 

Taehyung is stunned into silence. He never would have dreamed of this happening. He was sure his life would fall apart for a little before slowly piecing itself back together again. He didn’t expect this though.

“I already put in a good word so just reach out to her. The work will be more fulfilling for sure.” After another moment where Taehyung just stares, Samantha laughs and pats his shoulder. “ This is where you say thank you.”

“Samantha… thank you. You don’t know what this means to me.”

“But I do. I’ve been there before. I hope things work out with you and your boy. I’ll see you around, hopefully with the same employer. Big Boss back there lost two people today.” 

—

Jeongguk doesn’t see his parents for a few days once he’s back home only because they were on their own business trip that was a few days longer than his. In that time he’s finally given a break from everything. He sleeps in until midday and when he does wake he stays in his bed. It’s a luxury and maybe it allows him to wallow in self-pity for a little while longer. 

But it also gives him the time to think. He told himself the day he had with Taehyung would have to be enough. But it’s not. Nowhere close. If anything it leaves him aching for more. But can he actually have more? Will he be willing to make himself vulnerable for more? 

He already has to figure out what he will tell his parents. They know the truth, they know he wasn’t sick, they knew he ran away. And now he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. And he’s faced with the question of whether or not he’ll tell them about his sexuality. Will he tell them or will he just bury deep down once more to keep the image of the perfect son. 

He sighs and turns over on his bed before he catches sight of the photos on his nightstand. He reaches out for them, but just barely misses them causing the photos to flutter to the floor.

With another sigh, he gets up to pick up the photos. And that’s when he sees it.

On the back of his favorite photograph—the blurry picture from the subway—there’s writing.

These are the sole copies of the photographs. Aside from these, there are no others. I developed them myself and now they’re yours. Taehyung only kept one and told me to give you the rest. 

He won’t write the article. It was my idea to begin with. The day you two spent together will stay between us. There will be no audience.

Whenever you’re ready, reach out to him.

• Namjoon

And below there’s a phone number. 

And it’s then that his resolve is found as well as his answer.

He can’t reach out if he’s not ready for people to know. He doesn’t think it’s fair to Taehyung if he reached out but told him no one could know about him, about them . 

So when his parents come home he’s ready. Or at least he tells himself he is. And it’s not just for Taehyung or for the possibility of being a them . It’s also for himself. He doesn’t think he can handle it much longer. The facade, the unrealistic expectations. It’s all of that, but it’s also the fact that he loves his family and he wants them to love him for everything he is, not just who they want him to be.

However, all his bravado disappears when he comes face to face with his parents. He was never good at standing up for himself, nor fighting against his family. And the thing is, aside from their overprotectiveness his family is lovely, great, the best. And that somehow makes it worse. What does he do if they reject his sexuality, which in turn will be a direct rejection of himself? What does he do if their loving faces turn to disgust and disappointment? Their family name is riding on him alone. Aside from him, there is only his brother, but his brother can’t take his place, and most importantly he doesn't want to. Jeongguk can’t let his brother inherit the very thing that led him to an overdose. He can’t lose him. 

But maybe he will anyways. Maybe he, much like his parents, will hate Jeongguk. He can’t breathe, the anxiety is blocking his airways, his breath coming out ragged. 

When his father speaks, he flinches and he doesn't know why he’s never been afraid of his father before. His father who used to baby him, and would pick him up and place him on his strong shoulders when he was just a toddler, who would always look at him with pride and love. 

“We just want to know what’s going on,” his father says in that gentle way of his. “Running away isn’t like you, Jeongguk, so tell us what’s wrong.”

He wants to say they don’t know him, but that’s a lie. They know him, not all of him, not his sexuality, but all the other things that matter they know . Everything they don’t know about him is his own fault. 

“I… I was overwhelmed,” his voice comes out trembling. His hands are trembling too where they’re clasped together tight, the arms of his sweater pulled over his hands because coming out is hard enough he really doesn’t want to go on about the tattoo as well. “I just needed a break. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Jeongguk,” his mother consoles this time. “Honey, you need to talk to us. We want to know what’s wrong.”

He takes in a shuddered breath. “I ran away because I couldn’t handle it anymore, Eomma. It’s too much. I couldn’t—the thought of going on another day like that was too much to bear. I felt like I was being spread too thin like I’d break and no one would even notice. So I left,” he explains. “It was only supposed to be for a few hours, I swear. But the staff gave me some sleeping pills—” His parents stiffen at the mention of drugs because they know it started that innocently for this brother too. Until it became an addiction. “It was just to help me sleep, I was a little hysterical and—they were just trying to help, it's not their fault. But… I ended up passing out while outside and… someone found me and helped me. And one night turned into an entire day and—” He thinks of the day and night he spent with Taehyung. How magical and memorable it was. 

“I didn’t want to come back,” he shamefully admits while his eyes water up. “I almost stayed. With him . I felt free and I felt more myself than I have in my entire life.”

The look on his parent’s faces is heartbreaking. And he hates that he's the reason they look like that. 

“I love you both and this family so much. Everything I do is for you guys, so you can depend on me and so that you can be proud. But. I can’t,” he sobs and he doesn’t even realize he’s crying until now. “I can’t do this anymore. Not like this. I didn’t even feel like a person anymore. I had to run away to feel anything and it made me feel everything . I found myself and I found someone else too.”

And this is the moment, isn’t it? The moment to lay it all bear for them and hope they still love him.

“I’m gay,” he breathes out and it feels both like a relief and a punishment. “I’m gay and I met a man and I don’t love him but I can . And I want you to know because I love you both so much and I just want you to love me too for who I am and not who you want me to be.”

Their silence is deafening and it makes him panic. “I’m sorry,” he sobs, curling into himself and covering his mouth with his trembling hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to disappoint you and I know that I am—”

“Jeongguk,” his father cuts him off sternly. Jeongguk flinches. But then, There are strong hands wrapped around his arms and he’s being pulled into a tight hug. 

And. Oh. He expected the worst. The absolute worst. He didn’t expect comfort. He didn’t want to hope.

He feels a separate pair of hands rake through his hair gently. “You can never disappoint us,” his mother whispers gently. “We love you, Jeonggukie. No matter what, there’s nothing you can do or be that will disappoint us or make us think badly of you.”

He’s sobbing again, like a baby. His knees buckle and his parents hug him even as he falls. 

“We only want you to be happy,” his father whispers, they speak gently as if scared of spooking him. “We’re sorry we didn’t realize how unhappy you were.”

“It’s not your fault,” he cries. “I didn’t want you to see. I didn’t want to be a burden.”

“You can never be a burden. We love you.”

“We’re sorry we never noticed,” his mother says as she kisses his temple. “We didn’t notice how much of a toll this lifestyle was taking on you and we’re so sorry, Jeongguk. We’ll figure it out. We’ll make it right.”

Jeongguk closes his eyes and sobs.

That night there’s a knock on his door. He expects it to be his parents. After his breakdown, he’d been exhausted. His parents had walked him to his room and even tucked him into bed, he had felt like a child again, so well taken care of. 

He’s awake now from his long nap but still lounging in his bed. 

“Come in,” he calls.

He expects his parents but what he gets is Jeonghoon, his older brother. “Hey,” he greets as he steps into the room. “Can I sit down?”  

Sitting up Jeongguk gestures to his bed. “I didn’t know you’d be home.”

“I wasn’t planning on it but I heard about what happened during your trip… Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Hyung.”

His brother gives him a look that tells him he knows he’s lying. With a sigh, Jeonghoon lays on his side so he and Jeongguk are laying face to face. His brother pulls the comforter over their heads and it reminds Jeongguk of when they were younger, two small boys huddled under thick blankets with flashlights on giggling secrets to one another when they were supposed to be sleeping. 

Back when Jeongguk was blissfully unaware of himself and his place in the world. Before his brother started to chip away.

He feels safe somehow, reminiscent of how children cover themselves at night to protect themselves from monsters. 

“Talk to me,” his brother softly urges. 

Jeongguk exhales.

“I was just a little overwhelmed and I needed some time and space.” 

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

Isn’t that the question? The truth is when he left he didn’t know what he was looking for. Freedom, maybe. But he got so much more than he expected.

“And then some,” he settles on. 

“Appa and Eomma said you met someone,” his brother prompts. 

That’s when Jeongguk realizes coming out isn’t a one-time thing. It isn’t just one monumental moment it's a bunch of small moments that all mean so much and as of now, doesn’t get any easier. Will his brother judge? Would it change his perception of him?

“Yes. A man. He took care of me and—” He takes in a sharp inhale to prepare himself and then closes his eyes. “Hyung I’m gay.”

There’s a long silence that sends Jeongguk’s nerves haywire. But then, his brother speaks. “I know, Ggukie.” At Jeongguk’s bewildered expression, Jeonghoon snickers. “You and Mingyu weren’t as sneaky as you thought you were. But don’t worry I'm pretty sure I’m the only one that figured it out.”

Jeongguk gapes and then wonders why his brother never said anything. But then he thinks of how he would have reacted if his brother had said something and decides his silence was the best. 

“Tell me about the guy.”

“You’re not uncomfortable?”

Jeonghoon snorts, “Jeongguk you’ll always be my little brother and I’ll always love you. You liking men isn’t a crime nor is it uncomfortable to think about.” 

Jeongguk takes a deep breath and tackles his brother into a hug.

He loves him so much. He’s missed him. They haven’t talked like this in ages. Not since before. Since that day in the hospital.

“His name is Taehyung,” he starts. “He’s a writer, he found me and he helped me. I don’t think I love him yet or that he loves me but I felt it. I felt love or the possibility of it. And I left him and I regret it.”

“If you could do it over, would you have stayed with him?”

“I—I’m not sure. I love you and Eomma and Appa and I wouldn’t want to just disappear and I have duties here. I can’t just abandon everything. But the way we parted… It was goodbye. We left leaving no possibility of ever seeing each other again.”

“So that’s what you want? Hope that there will be another time.”

“Yes. Is that selfish?”

“No. Not if you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable.”

And that’s the next big question: is he willing to be vulnerable for love? For Taehyung’s love?

“Is that all that happened during the trip?”

“I got a tattoo,” Jeongguk whispers and his brother gasps dramatically for effect. 

“Let me see.”  

Jeonghoon turns on the flashlight on his phone while Jeongguk pulls his sleeve down to show his hand.

Jeongguk watches Jeonghoon as his brother takes in the tattoo. No words are needed. No explanation.

“Jeongguk…”

“I love you,” he whispers. “And I really missed, Hyung.”

His brother hugs him right, he’s back to a similar weight he used to be before everything so the embrace is warm. “I love you too, Jeonggukie. You’ve done so much for me. Not just the tattoo, but all the work you took on. I know it wasn’t easy and I wasn’t there to help but I’ll make it right Jeonggukie. I promise.” 

—

Time passes slowly until it doesn’t. The slow days turn into fast months and before Taehyung knows it he’s happy. His new job is fantastic. His boss, Janet, is a kind black woman. He expected her to be younger, around his and Samantha’s age but she’s older with graying hair but he doesn’t care because she’s a breath of fresh air. He finds out she was an avid protestor during the Stonewall Riots, young at the time but very aware of how cruel the world was and still is. Now, she’s an activist spreading knowledge on history not covered in the textbooks to kids that don’t feel seen or heard. 

It’s the first time he can truly say he’s proud of where he works and proud knowing his name is attached to an organization that cares.

He has so much freedom under her magazine for the first few weeks he’s overwhelmed with the endless possibilities of what he can write. 

All his works by far have been a mixed bag of genres and topics. Some days he’s writing fictional pieces, short stories that align with a given topic by his supervisor or by Janet. Sometimes he does interviews, not usually celebrities either just up and coming business owners, organization runners, and volunteer workers.

And other times he just writes essays on his experiences and his views on the world.

He’s actually happy to get up and go to work without being the token minority in the company. It’s fulfilling work. 

“Hey Tae-Tae,” his desk neighbor, April greets when he walks into the office. The desk is more open-concept there are no walls separating each workspace and usually, that would be a red flag for Taehyung because he usually doesn’t like talking to his coworkers but this place is so friendly and open he doesn’t care. He even prefers it. 

“Hey, how was the wedding planning this weekend?”

Grimacing, April makes a distressed sound. “I never knew picking napkin designs can be so damn stress-inducing. Samantha was just about ready to call off the whole wedding. I’m deeply considering just going to a courthouse and doing it that way.”

Taehyung laughs as he pulls out his laptop. “My condolences.”

“Much appreciated.” 

His phone pings with several messages all at once. He curses, he could have sworn he put his phone on silent. But then he sees the messages from Namjoon, and Jimin coming in like a storm flooding his notifications. 

“Look who’s mister popular. Boyfriend?”

“Ha,” he says as Jeongguk’s face flashes in his mind. He’s happy now but he still misses him. He still looks at that photograph of him and the pictures in his phone to convince himself it wasn’t a fever dream. That it was real. It’s kind of crazy how they only spent a day together and he still thinks about him anytime he can spare. He wonders if Jeongguk still thinks about him now, too. “Yeah right.”

“You’re too handsome to be this single, Tae-Tae.”

Snorting, Taehyung unlocks his phone, “Thanks April.”

He clicks Jimin’s notification first just because it’s the most recent one. 

Taehyung look:

Attached is an article from a South Korean publication site that reads Youngest Son of the Jeon’s Comes Out as Gay During a Press Conference for LGBT Youth.

His heart picks up speed in his chest as he opens the article and starts reading. 

Everything was going as always when Jeon Jeongguk was asked about the families newest program having an emphasis on youth specifically within the LGBT community. Everyone expected the standard answer but what they did not expect was for Jeon Jeongguk to end his statement on the importance of these children feeling seen and maintaining their mental health by saying, “I know first hand how difficult it is trying to find yourself when the world is telling you it’s inherently wrong. It’s not and some kids don’t have the supportive families to give them love when the world treats them unkindly. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive family who continues to love me even after I came out to them as gay. But not all kids have that and we want to provide guidance and relief  for those children.”

The room have then abruptly fallen into chaos as reporters asked him to clarify to which Jeon Jeongguk gladly obliged.

“I’m gay,” he had stated curtly. “But this isn’t about me. I am not going public with this for a story but because I want the children in this program to know someone behind the scenes empathizes with them. That’s all I will say on it. Next question, please.” 

Watch the video down below!

Taehyung clicks the video and puts his volume just one level above mute. Jeongguk looks good. So good. And so sure of himself. Taehyung has been keeping up with him but since New York Jeongguk has been keeping a very low profile and making fewer and fewer appearances. In his stead has been his brother instead, apparently making up for lost time. 

“Tae-Tae, you okay?”

April’s voice brings him back to the present. “Yeah,” he reassures with a smile. “I’ve never been better.” And he finds he means it.

“What are you going to do?” Jimin asks him over lunch, in a hole in the wall diner between their two job sites.

“What can I do? I’m so happy for him but it’s not like I can reach out and congratulate him. Or tell him how much I miss him and want to see him.”

“I’m sorry, Tae,” Jimin consoles with a hand over his. 

“It’s not your fault. Or anyone’s really. It’s just...life.”

“Yeah, well, life needs to be a bit kinder to you before I kick its ass.”

Taehyung laughs. “I appreciate the sentiment, Chim.”

With a sigh, Jimin pulls him into a hug, “I love you, Tae.”

“Love you too, Chim.”

A week later he gets an email from Janet asking him if he’s okay with doing an interview of sorts. The email states it’s more casual than an interview, the idea is the two will meet up for brunch at the interviewee’s hotel room and have an open discussion of sorts that’s to be published. The interview is for that Friday around noon. It says the client will like to stay anonymous for now which raises a minor red flag but he trusts Janet’s judgments so he agrees.

It’s strange not being able to research for an interview beforehand but he thinks he can wing it. If Janet chose him it must be because she thought they’d have a lot to talk about even without prepared questions.

“Seems a little fishie,” Namjoon says when Taehyung calls him as he walks to the hotel.

“If Janet trusts them then so do I.”

“Ah, Janet, bless her heart.”

He agrees. 

“Are we still on for dinner with Chim?”

“Yes, Jimin is convinced you need copious amounts of love from the two of us and honestly? We’re happy to deliver.”

Fondness bubbles in his chest. “I love you guys even if that’s highly unnecessary.”

“Tell that to Chim. He’s convinced we have to get you a dog. He was looking at pictures of Pomeranians, specifically the ones with the angry eyebrows.”

“Tell Chim I’m you guys’ best friend, not your toddler.”

“Ha! You know you’ll always be his baby.”

“I’m barely younger than him!”

“Like he cares.”

Taehyung huffs and then sees the banner for the hotel. “I’m here, I have to go.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

The hotel is nice, not too fancy but definitely not on motel level either. The room number is 901 as per Janet’s follow up email so he steps onto the elevator and pulls out his work badge as well as his little recorder. He wants the interview to be natural so he’d rather not write in a book and instead give the speaker his undivided attention. 

The elevator pings when it reaches the 9th floor and he steps out, looking at the signs on the wall parallel to the elevator showing the room numbers and what direction each is in. He makes a left and walks all the way to the end of the hall. 

He double-checks to make sure his recorder is working and once satisfied he straightens his clothes and squares his shoulders. With a deep breath, he raises his fist and knocks not the door.

A moment later the door is being unlocked and it opens to reveal the interviewee.

Oh .

It’s.

It’s Jeongguk.

Jeongguk who’s dressed very casually with a white t-shirt and light blue jeans with hotel slippers on his feet. His tattoo is there too and Taehyung thinks he’s dreaming. 

Jeongguk stares at him with bright eyes before his lips break out into a soft smile. “Hi, Taehyung.”

He doesn’t sound or look shocked to see him. If anything he looks expectant. 

“J-Jeonggukie?”

“Yeah,” and then he steps aside to let Taehyung in. “Come in.”

They’re seated on either ends of a medium-sized couch in the living room. Jeongguk brought water for the both of them which Taehyung gladly takes a sip of mainly out of nerves. It’s been months since he’s last seen Jeongguk and he looks even better in person than in any pictures or videos. His hands are shaking.

“Um how did you—” he coughs to clear his throat. “Did you know I worked with this publication.”

“I specifically requested you. I’ve been keeping up with all your writing. It’s not too hard to finds writers with your name.”

“Why?” He asks because he can’t fathom why Jeongguk would reach out and why he would keep up with Taehyung’s work either.

“Why not?”

And it’s always like that isn’t it? Jeongguk acting on his instinct while Taehyung second guesses.

“D-do you want to start now?”

He nods and sits up straighter. “Yes.”

Taehyung fumbles with his recorder before placing it between the two of them. “If there’s anything you don’t want to be published just say ‘off record’.”

“Okay.”

He puts aside his many questions and his desire to reach out and touch and instead focuses on his job and why he’s here. Clearing his throat, he straightens his shoulders and gets started.

“So, your family’s UNICEF program has launched a new campaign for LGBT children in South Korea; can you tell me what inspired that?”

“It was my idea,” Jeongguk states. “A friend once told me that by being denied your identity you’re in turn being denied yourself. It’s not about loving you despite your sexuality or gender identities it’s about being loved because of it. His words at the time really spoke to me and they helped me a lot. I don’t want kids growing up thinking there's something wrong with them or feeling lonely.

“That’s really what the program is about, offering help and support both in mentorship but also financial and helping displaced or abandoned children find safe spaces where they can thrive.”

Jeongguk is looking him in the eyes as he speaks, his posture most more relaxed than Taehyung’s as he leans back against the couch cushions and has his arm crooked over the back of the couch.

“That’s amazing,” Taehyung says and its the truth. To see someone like Jeongguk with money and power making a difference because it’s the right thing to do is amazing and unfortunately not seen too often. “You also came out during one of your recent press conferences about this program. How did that feel, was it pre-planned or?”

Jeongguk blinks, “You heard about that?”

“You’re not the only one who’s been keeping up, Jeongguk.”

That’s apparently the right thing to say because Jeongguk gives this boyish smile as he ducks his head. He’s playing with his fingers now as he speaks, “It wasn’t preplanned. I had come out to my parents almost immediately after my last trip to New York. Despite being sick for half of it I learned a lot about myself and accepted a lot too.” He says this with a private smile, they’re both in on it. They know the truth. “I’ve known before and I’ve acted on it before but I always treated it as this horrible secret that would ruin everything.”

“Internalized homophobia?”

“I’m not sure, to be honest. I never felt disgusted with myself and despite everything, I never really wished I was anything but. It’s more like I was terrified of what would happen when other people find out and how my life would change. Would my parents still look at me the same? My older brother? The people closest to me? That’s all I feared, really. I didn’t care so much about the rest of the world because the only opinions that matter to me are the people closest to me.”

There’s a tangible silence before Jeongguk speaks again. 

“Off record,” Jeongguk says and Taehyung stiffens, wondering what he’s going to say. “Namjoon gave me the pictures and one of them had your number on the back.” He doesn’t seem surprised by Taehyung’s own shock. He had his number this entire time and never reached out? Jeongguk turns around to grab a photo and hands it to Taehyung. It’s his favorite picture from the pile and when he flips it over there’s Namjoon writing, a note that ends with Taehyung’s number. “I didn’t realize until I was back home in South Korea, but even then I didn’t want to reach out until I knew I could give you myself without terms and conditions. If you’d still have me that is.”

Voice rasping, Taehyung asks, “Are you asking me if I’d be with you.”

Jeongguk looks shy now as he nods. “I know it’s been a while and we literally only knew each other for a day and then didn’t see each other for months but… I would like to give us a chance… if you’d be up for it too.”

Taehyung is stunned into silence because the thought that Jeongguk would think that Taehyung would decline is more than a bit silly. He still thinks about him whenever he has the time to. Has been wondering how he’s been outside of the public’s updates on him. Wonders if Jeongguk’s missed him as much as Taehyung has missed him.

Maybe it is slightly ridiculous that they were both so hungover one another with such little time to get to know each other. Or maybe it’s just fate. Maybe an undeniable connection doesn't take months to realize. 

Laughing lightly, Taehyung reaches out and holds Jeongguk’s hand. It feels a lot like coming home. “It was never really a question of whether or not I wanted you in my life, it was only ever how we’d make it work. I was willing to be with you even before you sorted yourself out. Even with the ‘terms and conditions’ as you put it.”

Jeongguk smiles so big and bright that Taehyung can’t nor wants to look away. “On record. Once I came out to my family my brother decided to take on some more responsibilities in the family work. He said I inspired him, so he will be working back home in South Korea while I’ll be working remotely from New York.”

Hope blooms in Taehyung’s chest.

“I’ll go back home for events and fundraisers and to show the kids that I care. But for the foreseeable future I’ll be here. Off record. I’ll be here so I can be with you.”

“Y-you didn’t have to do that—”

“I did though. I’m aware of my privilege, Tae. I have the option of up and moving without too much thought. The work has been divided between me and my brother. It’s fairly even now and… I have people here I want to be near now. Not just you but the friends I made too. I would like to build a life here, you being here is a very, very lovely bonus.  Even if you had said no I would have respected that but I would still stay for myself.” 

Taehyung can’t hold back anymore, he lurches forward, cupping Jeongguk’s face gently and kisses him. Jeongguk makes a surprised squeak but quickly reciprocates, tugging him closer so Taehyung is snug on his lap. 

The kiss gets more insistent, hand roaming and Taehyung knows where this is going. He reaches behind himself and turns off the recorder.

Somehow he ends up being carried by Jeongguk’s strong arms into the bedroom. His arms are wrapped around his neck and his legs around his hips while Jeongguk’s hands are on his bottom holding him up. The bed is huge. A king-size that takes up a majority of the room. Jeongguk is so so gentle when he lays him down on top of it. Gentle when he undresses him and then patient when he lets Taehyung undress him. Gentle when he slowly opens Taehyung up, his mouth warm and wet around Taehyung’s cock to keep him hard. 

Jeongguk is soft yet firm at the same time. It’s different from last time, he had been so willing to let Taehyung do whatever he wanted. He had completely submitted to Taehyung and was almost malleable under his hands. Seemingly content with doing whatever it is Taehyung desired.

But now, Jeongguk is firmer; still soft, still gentle. But unafraid to have more strength in his hold. He’s unafraid to press a hand low on Taehyung’s stomach as he rolls his hips tantalizingly slowly into his heat. 

Taehyung is overwhelmed, both by the exhibit of strength, the way the muscles on Jeongguk’s arms bulge with his movements, and with the look of pleasure mixed with concentration. As if all that matters to him is that Taehyung feels good.

“Jeongguk,” he breathes out, reaching out with eager arms so that he can be closerclosercloser. 

Jeongguk obliges, moving his hand from Taehyung’s stomach to lean over and kiss him slow and heated. His hand is now clenching the sheets in his fist as the movements of his tongue makes Taehyung’s toes curl.

“You feel good,” Jeongguk mumbles against his lips before biting the bottom lip. His hips move in slow figure eights that hit just the right spots and Taehyung moans. A kiss is placed onto his jawline, “You sound even better. I’ve missed you. I thought of you every day.” 

Taehyung really really wishes his mouth was cooperating with him right now, he wishes he can say he’s thought of Jeongguk too, every second it felt. But instead, he keens when Jeongguk does a particularly deep thrust, his back bows and his toes curl once more. 

“There?” asks Jeongguk, as if he doesn’t know the answer.

“Yes,” he breathes out, and it sounds something like a prayer.

Jeongguk grabs him by the jaw, gentle as always and kisses him again, relentless as if he can’t get enough, as if Taehyung’s lips are all he wants. Taehyung hums as he kisses back. Who is he to deny him this? 

He so distracted by Jeongguk’s wicked tongue that he doesn’t realize Jeongguk’s fist has released the sheets and now holds his cock in a tight, warm vice.

His back bows once more, their chests pressing together, fitting like puzzle pieces, as the pleasure becomes overwhelming. “I’m gonna come,” he gasps against Jeongguk’s cheek. “Jeongguk—“

Jeongguk’s mouth and tongue cut him off, shutting him up effectively whilst his hips and hand do all the work. And then, because apparently Jeongguk wants him to absolutely stop functioning, his mouth leaves his and instead trails down Taehyung’s chest before licking his nipple and then biting down.

He’s a goner. 

His hands that have previously been wrapped around Jeongguk’s neck are down on his back, nails scraping down the expense of it as he spills hot between them. He moans his name. 

Jeongguk draws it out, makes sure he feels the pleasure until he can’t handle it anymore until he’s over sensitive and overwhelmed. He’s being kissed, a chaste one on his lips, all over his face, his chest once more. That’s how he gets back to himself, with Jeongguk grasping his own cock and jerking it whilst presses hot kisses all over Taehyung’s body. 

He sits up with loose limbs, feeling groggy but sated. “Come,” he says, reaching for his cock. “Let me help.”

Jeongguk makes a whining sound as he clambers closer, his legs caging Taehyung’s hips. He whines even higher when Taehyung takes hold of him, rests his forehead on Taehyung’s shoulder as he finishes him off.

It doesn’t take very long, Jeongguk has been putting off his own pleasure of the sake of Taehyung’s so it takes a few strokes, and a well time flick of his wrist around the head and Jeongguk is melting against him, spilling himself all over both of them, making Taehyung’s chest and stomach even stickier.

It feels nice being leaned on. Especially when it’s Jeongguk doing the leaning.

With his free hand, he runs his hands through Jeongguk’s hair and kisses his cheek and jawline until his orgasm subsides, resting his back against the headboard to support both their weights.

“I missed you too,” he finally says, feeling vulnerable but taking advantage of the fact that he can’t see Jeongguk’s face. “I feel so guilty sometimes for what I almost did to you. Nothing can change what me initial intentions were. And I’ll make it up to you. I promise I will. These months without you were brutal but the thought of us actually being together is scary too. But there’s no one else I’d rather be scared with than you.” 

It isn’t until now that he realizes love is wonderful but it’s also terrifying. Being so bare to someone. Pouring out your deepest desires and secrets and hoping by the end of it you’ll still be loved. Still be held. 

Jeongguk peels away from him, face sweaty, hair a lovely mess framing his face. His face so open and honest, his eyes shining with a look Taehyung doesn’t think has ever been directed at him before by anyone. 

“You don’t need to make it up to me. Your intentions weren’t the best but you did the right thing, and your reasoning made sense. You’re a good person,” Jeongguk says as if it’s a fact. As if he’s talking about an absolute. “You’re a good person and if you let me I know I can fall in love with you.”

Oh.

Oh.

The tears are abrupt but crying doesn’t seem as sad or lonely when there’s someone there to kiss the tears away and to pet your hair and to tell you everything is going to be okay. And that you’re good.

“You’re lowest moments don’t define you,” Jeongguk whispers. “You’re good.” The gentlest kiss is pressed to his right eyelid like the fluttering of bird wings. “And kind.” Another kiss to his left. “And selfless.” A kiss to his cheek. Their foreheads press together gently as Jeongguk gazes right into his eyes. A million stars are trapped in there, their light is blinding but they whisper of home and warmth. “You are everything. You showed me more kindness in one day than most people get in their entire lives. I won’t let you believe you’re anything but good.”

Jeongguk holds him until he stops crying.

They do finish the interview, after a round of slow handjobs and a warm shower. They redress and decide to finish the interview over brunch, Jeongguk saying he knows a place with a cheeky smile. 

The place ends up being the same restaurant they went for brunch the day they met. Mid-interview, Jeongguk says one last time, “Off record. I think given enough time I can love you so easily.”

Taehyung grins, feels something in him bloom and leans over to peck him on the lips. He doesn’t say that he thinks he may already be halfway in love with him. But he thinks his face is telling enough. 

When Jeongguk smiles against his lips, Taehyung thinks they’ll be fine. Better than. They’ll be fantastic.

“Me too,” he whispers and he’s rewarded with another sweet kiss.