Chapter Text
I lay in the bed and sighed as Aymeric gently massaged me. I was still healing from that awful night at the Reach. I was sore as hell, and I looked like a patchwork from all the bruises. But at least I had slept deeply last night...and would do so again tonight, if I had anything to say about it.
I breathed deeply, reveling in the gentle scent of lavender from his sheets and the feeling of being truly clean again. It felt so very good to be free of the clinging yellow dust, and the faint stench of bird shit and worse. I still wanted to help the people of Ala Mhigo – more than ever. But I hated the landscape, especially right now.
I shivered as I heard that cold voice again in my memory. “Pathetic.”
“Are you all right? Did I hurt you?”
“No, you didn't hurt me,” I answered. “Just...thinking.”
“Alphinaud mentioned that you had fought the viceroy, one on one. I didn't ask last night, but I would like to hear your version as well.”
“I got my ass handed to me,” I told him. “He...he was only playing with me, I think.” I shivered again. “He nearly killed Y'Shtola. And then said she was a disappointment.” Slowly, I told him about the fight, struggling at times for the words I needed.
“The man sounds like a monster.” He smoothed my hair out of his way, working on my shoulder. “But – forgive me – why did he let you live?”
“Apparently because I was better sport than the others,” I mumbled. “He's sick. Truly, I think he's mad. And the Empire is...is...” I couldn't find the words.
“The Empire is evil,” Aymeric said flatly, his hands soothing my back. “Nothing they've ever done has led to anything but suffering and destruction.”
I frowned. “I don't want to believe that the Empire is evil through and through. There are thousands and thousands of people within its borders, Aymeric, and most of them aren't soldiers. They're just...people. Even the soldiers are just people. They follow orders...but surely they're not always happy about it. So are they really evil? Or just trapped by the Empire's ways?”
“Why does it matter?” he demanded.
“I don't know,” I sighed. “I supposed I'm just trying to make sense of what I've already seen. Try to be more ready for what I might see, on Alphinaud's little expedition.”
Aymeric lay down beside me, propping his head up on his hand. “Expedition?”
I turned my head to look at him. “He wants to go to Doma.”
“What?”
“After that...that massacre,” I said, “the Resistance is broken. Or at the very least, it's going to take quite some time for it to regroup and recover. The General isn't giving up, but the people...they need time.”
“But Doma?”
“Alphinaud is going to go there, and try to get in touch with our friend Yugiri.”
“The Alliance...”
“The Council isn't being consulted.” I met his gaze. “This is only the Scions.”
“And you're going.”
“I'm thinking about it,” I hedged.
“No,” he stated. “You've already decided.”
I turned on my side to fully face him. “Yes. I admit it. I wanted to help Doma from the start, you know.”
“I do know.”
“They deserve help, just as surely as the Resistance does.”
“You barely know anything about Doma...”
I gave him a challenging stare. “I barely knew anything about Ishgard, too.”
“That's not quite what I meant...”
“So why shouldn't I go?”
He turned onto his back, and stared up at the ceiling. “Why indeed.”
I waited, and he finally turned his eyes back to me.
“You really don't want me to go, do you?” I asked softly.
“No. I don't.” He sighed. “It's too much risk. You're going blind into hostile territory. It's bound to put you in the path of that monster again. And maybe next time he won't be so...entertained.” He reached for my hand, and stroked my palm with his thumb, keeping his eyes on the motion. “So no, I don't like the idea at all. I don't like the risk to you personally, nor the risk to the Alliance should we lose the Warrior of Light. Especially if full scale war breaks out.” He looked up at me. “Without the Warrior of Light, how can we hope to succeed? Your very presence strengthens us; morale is never so high as when the men know that you'll be on the field with them.”
“Morale?” I shrugged. “There are other ways to maintain morale.”
“You are damned near an army unto yourself, Berylla. Don't you try to deny it.”
“So? I can be matched, outmatched even, by enough magitek armor and enough troops.”
“All the Alliance forces combined, even were we to strip every garrison and outpost,” Aymeric said testily, “amounts to but a quarter of the troops the Empire can bring to bear. We would be absolutely out-numbered and out-gunned.”
“There are all those adventurers,” I replied, trying not to sound irritated. “And the Scions.”
“Half of you are haring off into Doma!”
“Four or five of us at most,” I snorted. “All the rest will still be here to help. That's nothing to sneeze at, dammit.”
He glared at me. “You are so stubborn.”
“So are you. Your point?”
He paused, and blew out a breath. “Why are we arguing?”
“Because you're afraid,” I sighed. “And I don't blame you. I'm kind of scared too.”
“Why must you be so...” He pulled me to him, and rested his temple against mine. “So damned heroic.”
“It's my calling,” I said, but my chuckle was edged with tears.
“Stay with me,” he whispered.
“You know I can't.”
“Then promise me...”
“Promise what?”
“Anything, damn it. Give me some reason to believe you will return to me.”
I searched his face. How had I missed this desperation in him for so long? I shouldn't have waited to tell him.
“Aymeric.” I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him. “I swear, as long as there is breath in my body, I will always come back to you. Because...I love you.”
He went still for a moment, and then his arms were around me, his lips crushed against mine. I ignored my bruises, welcomed the pain, doing my damnedest to make him feel the truth of my words.
I let him roll me onto my back, glorying in the way his mouth slid across my skin. Both of us shook as if this were our first time – gasping at every little touch, exquisitely sensitive to the other's reactions. I couldn't speak, but every stroke, every kiss, every sigh, they all said the same thing. I love you, I love you, I love you.
He entered me, his eyes holding mine, his face reverent, and then his mouth was on mine, stealing my breath, swallowing my cries. His body thrust into mine and every stroke had me quivering, inching closer and closer to the peak. He lowered his head and tenderly suckled on my nipples. I cried out, softly, too overwhelmed to scream as I came for him, again and again under his gentle, relentless loving.
His movements became faster, harder, more desperate, and with his head resting on my shoulder I could hear him muttering. It sounded like some kind of prayer, and his voice was on the edge of tears even as I felt his body quake and his orgasm explode inside of me.
I drifted for a while, at the edge of consciousness, until he shifted his weight to look down at me.
“I have loved you,” he whispered, “for so very long. I never dared hope to hear you say those words to me.” His thumbs stroked my cheeks, wiping away the damp of tears. “If only I were merely a man, and you merely a woman. I would spend my life with you...”
“But we are what we are,” I nodded. My hand stroked his hair back from his face a little. “Will just my love be enough for you, darling Aymeric?”
“Enough?” He laughed, but I saw the tears in his eyes. “It is a miracle. More than enough.”
“You keep saying such things,” I whispered, “but I'm not a miracle, not an angel. I'm just a fool with an axe.”
He looked like he had a lot he wanted to say about that, but then he smoothed my hair with one hand. “I will not argue with you tonight,” he murmured, “but you are far more than you admit.”
“Gods, I wish I'd told you sooner,” I sighed, and pulled him down to me.
The morning started nicely, with just myself and Aymeric in the garden. A breath of the familiar, laced with extra sweetness now that we had finally acknowledged how we both felt.
But it didn't stay like that for long.
Alphinaud came out into the garden, with Jarilant behind him carrying a tray. The usual breakfast things were presently joined by a pot of strong coffee and more pastries. As Alphinaud sat down and helped himself, I eyed him. “You're up awful early.”
“We do have an airship to catch this morning,” he answered with a small yawn, and then took a giant bite of an apple pastry.
I finished my own pastry, just watching him. He had that look, the look that I'd come to learn meant “I'm sure I have something brilliant to say and I'm only biding my time to say it.”
He finished his second cup of coffee. Then he turned to Aymeric and asked, “Ser Aymeric – might I beg the indulgence of a few moments of your time?”
Aymeric sipped his tea and then nodded. “I am listening.”
“As I mentioned night before last – and I am sure Berylla also talked with you of this – we are planning to travel to Doma.”
“Yes, I know of it. You plan to contact the remnants of that nation's rebellion?”
“Exactly.” Alphinaud's eyes shone a little as he leaned forward in his chair. “You have had to work with extremely limited resources, and I would implore your to share your thoughts on our endeavor.”
Aymeric regarded him for a long moment. “I would begin by asking a question of my own. What exactly do you plan to do, to bring about the liberation of Doma?”
“Our larger purpose in traveling to Doma, of course,” Alphinaud answered, “is to force Zenos to fight on two fronts. If we succeed, we more than double the chances for both Gyr Abania and Doma. And of course any reduction in the Empire's reach benefits Eorzea as a whole.” He swiped at his bangs, and continued, “We will go there, assess the situation, and proceed accordingly.”
Aymeric looked at Alphinaud as if the younger man had lost his mind.
“That...that's it?” Aymeric's voice was incredulous. “That's your plan? You're flinging yourself – and Berylla! – into enemy territory, against the might of the Empire, and you're going in blind?”
“I've heard worse plans,” I commented. “Such as convincing one great wyrm to battle another.”
He ignored me. His voice was clipped as he spoke to Alphinaud. “What of gathering information on the enemy – or for that matter on your hoped-for allies? What resources can Doma offer in this endeavor, hm? Do you even know whom you can contact? Do you know anything at all about the recent history or battles in the area?”
Alphinaud's eyes narrowed as he answered. “If we had the luxury of a year to gather such intelligence, I would be very pleased, but we do not.” His voice was firm. “I am, however, certain we can succeed. I would not have proposed this expedition otherwise.”
“How?” Aymeric demanded. “Have you any notion what defenses the Empire may have, or how to deal with them?”
“Given the Empire's insistence on standardized military operations, it seems plain to me that simply studying past battles will give me a great deal of that sort of information, which I can then expand upon once we are in the field.” Alphinaud's expression tightened in response to Aymeric's scathing tone. “I am cognizant of the dangers, Lord Commander, I do assure you of that.”
“Hey, hey,” I interjected, holding my hands up. “Both of you, calm down.”
They stared at each other, and I tensed, wondering if they were going to start actually yelling at each other. I'd never seen this side of either man and I was not prepared for the cold anger in Aymeric's face, nor the gleam of stung pride in Alphinaud's eyes.
“How did you persuade General Aldynn of this plan?”
“He pinned the idea on me,” I said. “And I let him.”
Aymeric's eyes snapped to me, and I crossed my arms. I could handle him yelling at me. I wasn't sure what I would do if he yelled at Alphinaud. Or the other way around, for that matter. The notion made my stomach wobbly.
“Pinned it on you?” Alphinaud sounded indignant.
“Yeah, you did,” I nodded, my tone matter-of-fact. “It's not like we actually talked the idea out before then. I'm all for this plan, but the reason Raubahn let us loose on it was because you very cleverly made it look like my idea, not yours.”
His ears went pink.
“So you knew the plan was weak enough to require bolstering from Berylla's reputation,” Aymeric growled. “Just what are you trying to prove?”
“Can we not make this into a pissing contest?” I couldn't help it. The tension was driving me crazy. “To answer one of your questions, Aymeric, we're planning on tracking down Yugiri and Gosetsu. They'll be able to give us plenty of help, and I trust you recall how competent both of them are on a battlefield, so there's that as well.”
“I've a dozen volumes on the Doman Rebellion and related matters awaiting me in Limsa,” Alphinaud added. “Which should cover most of the recent history you mentioned.” He crossed his arms. “We are not as prepared as I would like. I grant you that. But we are also not completely incompetent, Lord Commander.”
Aymeric looked away from us both, and a brittle silence fell across the garden. “I shall loan you some of my own books on tactics,” he said at last, but his reluctance was clear. “They may be of limited use, as they were written specifically in regards to Dravanian invasions...”
Alphinaud had on his diplomatic smile. “I am certain I can draw some wisdom from them. Thank you.”
Aymeric nodded once, and then rose. “I will find them now, and then I must prepare for the day.”
“Of course,” Alphinaud nodded politely.
Aymeric left, and I rubbed at my temples for a moment.
“My apologies,” Alphinaud said to me.
I looked up and met his gaze. He lowered his eyes and picked at his sleeve. “I never intended to make you feel that I used you.”
I raised one eyebrow. “Not sorry about using me, though.”
He looked back up at me, his mouth open in shock.
“I don't really mind,” I shrugged. “Even if it is a very loose plan, it was still worlds away better than anything anyone else had.”
“I..ah...” He swallowed. “I don't know quite what to say.”
“You'll notice I went with it,” I pointed out. “We're partners in this, aren't we? Just...if you need me for something like that again, you probably ought to tell me before hand.”
“Right,” he said faintly. “I shall remember that.”
I got up. “Eat some more,” I suggested. “You're not likely to see food this good for a long while. I'm going to go get ready.”
I stepped into the bedroom and closed the door. A half-dozen small books were stacked on the writing desk, but I didn't see Aymeric. My pack was ready – Milinne had taken all the filthy clothes and gotten the stench out of them, and then brought them back and packed them, too. I'd been using the clothes kept here for me. As I got back into my traveling outfit, Aymeric came in from the bathing chamber. I stopped, my tunic in my hands and my feet still bare, and just looked at him.
He finished drying his hair and tossed the towel aside, then snatched up his shirt and shrugged it on. He turned his back to me as he buttoned it up.
“It's not that terrible of a plan,” I said quietly. “At the very least there will be four Scions, and that truly isn't an insignificant group. We aren't going to try to free Doma all by ourselves. We'll be able to watch each other's backs, and we should be able to make it out alive even if everything goes badly.”
“Why are you defending it to me? I cannot forbid you to go.” He finished buttoning his shirt and started to reach for his boots.
“Don't,” I stopped, and took a breath. “Aymeric, please don't make me leave here knowing you're upset with me. This is already going to be hard on me.”
“And not on me?” He leaned against his dresser, his head down. “Did you tell me the things you did last night, because you knew this was a suicide mission? Do you have a death wish, Berylla?”
“Oh, so it's okay for you to risk your life, but not for me to do so?”
“It's not that – Fury!” He turned around to face me. “I don't want to lose you, Berylla. Can you not understand that? It would destroy me utterly, to know that you love me, and then...to never see you again...”
“That's exactly why I hesitated so long.” I slipped my tunic on, to hide the tears. “I never intended it to be so cruel.”
He came over to me and set his hands on my upper arms. “You'll leave me with nothing?”
“I already promised you all that I can, I promised you I will come home, what more do you want, Aymeric?”
“I want you to consent to marry me!”
I stared at him in complete shock.
He wants what? Marry him? No – there's no way – I can't... My mind babbled, and I felt like someone had dropped me into ice cold water . He doesn't know about Nero, about what kind of monster I really am. He doesn't understand about all that my being a Warrior of Light really means.
He looked almost as shocked as I did for a moment, as I struggled with myself. Then, his eyes grew worried, frantic. He shook me a little. “Say something, Berylla.”
Oh gods, if only I could – oh gods, it hurts so much, I want this so badly and I can't, I can't, I can't.
My mouth opened and the words left me, like a dying breath.
“I can't. I'm sorry.”
I grabbed my boots in one hand and threw the door open. Then I grabbed my pack and fled out into the hall.