Chapter Text
Wei Ying woke up slowly, wondering where he was, last thing he remembered was closing his eyes in the relaxing cold of the water. But now he is warm and with his husband by his side, which he just now saw. He turned onto his side to face his resting husband, who had his face scrunched in worry even in his sleep, their hands still linked since whenever. He had no idea how he had got here but he guessed that Lan Zhan probably brought him back.
He lifted his hand, which too a lot more strength then he had initially thought it would, and stoked over the lines on Lan Zhan’s forehead, slowly smoothing them out so he looked peaceful. He just lay there touching his husbands face as he slept trying not to wake him, it must have only been about 4am because the sun was yet to rise and the Lan’s haven’t woken.
Just as he weighed his options of getting up and falling back asleep he realized he could feel something rising in his throat which persuaded him to slide out of his husbands grasp and off the bed as quickly but quietly as possible. As soon as he stood up his legs gave way and came crashing down forcing him to fall. He landed with a loud thud and the feeling of something coming back out of his throat. While on his hands and knees, not able to hear Lan Zhan wake up behind him, as he threw up blood, some congealed and some still liquid, feeling faint and drowsiness wash over him he felt his eyes start to close.
He could feel himself being lifted urgently onto the bed once more as someone said something above him, probably trying o get his attention, but all he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears.
Lan Zhan woke with a start at the sound of, and the slight shake, of a something heavy hitting the ground, he instinctively reached out to where Wei Ying was supposed to be only to come back up with cold sheets. He instantly woke up like ice water was splashed on him as he frantically grabbed at the blankets finding nothing he turned around. To his utter horror his husband was on the ground with a lake of blood under him as he saw his husband’s muscles shake with the effort of keeping him up. Lan Zhan instantly kneeled and grabbed Wei Ying seeing his eyes close and not blink back open for the second time in the past 24 hours. His eyes watered at this, then he picked him up as gently as he could but still quite quickly, maneuvering him onto the bed, his hand clasped in Wei Ying’s, he could feel him tighten his grip on his hand. He called out for Lan Sizhui, then started saying Wei Ying’s name trying to get him to open his eyes, knowing he was still conscious, crying softly over him.
Wei Ying tried to focus on what was being said slowly fluttering his eyes open to see his soulmate crying, he almost never cried was the first thing he thought. He blinked slowly, starting to understand what Lan Zhan was saying, he brought his hand shakily up to wipe away his tears which made Lan Zhan cry harder. “Hey, don’t cry, why are you crying? Lan Zhan should..” he trailed off for a second eyes closing briefly, “..should never cry, my Lan Zhan should always be happy,” smiling softly, feeling some of the blood still on his mouth and chin drying.
Said husband silently stared at his husband with tears slowing down as he completely disregarded what had happened to him, “How could I be happy when my Wei Ying is in pain, when he is hurting so much,” seeing Wei Ying’s smile drift away he continued, “I am only happy when my husband is happy, I can’t help but cry when he got hurt, when I could have stopped it.”
Seeing how much his husband was hurting Wei Ying opened his mouth to reply with something to try and reassure him only to be cut off by his son rushing in looking ruffled like he came straight from bed, which he probably did. “What happened, where are you bleeding,” he demanded as he started looking over him with wide eyes that drifted towards the splatter of blood on the ground.
“Nothing I’m fine, I just coughed up a bit of blood when I got up too suddenly,” he tried to reassure, seeing no one believed him he shut his mouth as A-Yuan pressed two fingers against his chest to feel his lungs.
Lan Sizhui let out a sigh of relief, but not yet having a completely satisfied expression, “It was just all the fluids and residual blood from inhaling water yesterday leaving his lungs after it built up.” He reported this while looking at Lan Zhan. “It is something that could always happen if a talisman is used and it is not flushed out after a short time.”
They all went silent after that, everyone waiting for someone else to say something, while preparing questions themselves. It ended up being Wei Ying who spoke first, “What happened?” Such a simple question, with a not so easily said answer. Although he had a vague idea and memories from yesterday he couldn’t remember it all.
No one looked at him for a full minute after he asked that question, he looked between the two hoping to get a response. They both looked like they were trying to come up with an answer that would soften the blow of the truth. He didn’t know exactly what happened but the silence was already trying to fill his imagination with different scenarios that involved him breathing in water and make everyone so worried. It wasn’t helping him at all, it just made him feel guilty.
Just when Wei Ying started to get stuck thinking of possibility’s in his mind Lan Zhan spoke, “You.. We think you were trying to drown yourself.” His eyes going down to his hands which his husband were holding.
Wei yings head snapped up from where it was looking at them with a puzzled expression, like he expected them to be joking, only to see they were serious, “Was I?” He looked so uncertain, but he believed it when Lan Zhan told him things. After all it was against the rules the Lan clan of Gusu was built on. “I’m sorry,” tears slowly made their way from his eyes. He looked so defeated and defenseless.
Lan Zhan reached to him and grabbing his hands to pull him into his chest, motioning for Lan Sizhui to join since he was standing to the side in a small state of shock. Their son walked over slowly and wrapped himself around Wei Ying’s back trying to comfort him. They sat there for a what felt like days but was only about 30 minutes for Wei Ying to calm down enough to talk, slowing down with the tears. Lan Zhan eventually sent their son to go sleep and reassuring him they would talk in the morning.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, “I just feel like everything is getting harder again, and no one ever really is happy to see me. I cause so much trouble and pain, everyone around me always gets hurt and I just wanted that to stop,” he released a shaky breath before a small sob escaped, “I didn’t want to burden anyone anymore, so I thought if I tuned it down and was quieter, and maybe stayed out of the way that everyone would stop seeing me as such a disappointment or a stain on you or the world.” He crushed his face deep into Lan Zhan’s shocked form shaking and sobbing violently. He could feel something wet on his back where his son was and another wet spot on his head where Lan Zhan’s head was bowed above.
“And I tried,” it was muffled but still loud enough to be heard, “I tried so hard but everyone only saw the bad things I did and when I got in trouble for small things, everyone kept being so mean. No one saw how much I tried to be better, and I realized that I was never good enough,” cutting himself off with a hiccup, ”will never be good enough and I couldn’t get better, no matter what, so I gave up. I gave up and decided I would go away.. I would just slip away and,” he choked up, ”..and I would find somewhere no one would find me and just, hang, drown, or bleed out without bothering anyone.” The sentence was said with an air of certainty that Lan Zhan hated.
“You don’t bother anyone, anyone who says otherwise knows nothing, they are irrelevant, I can’t live without you. I looked for you for so long, don’t leave me. P-please don’t leave me again, I can’t survive without you. I-I love you, so m-much.” Lan Zhan’s voice cracks as he chokes out the words. He grips Wei Ying tighter as both of them sob harder. He pulls back to look directly into his husbands eyes.
“I love e-everything about you, don’t pay attention to what other p-people say. I can’t live with you not here, where you go, no matter where you go, I will follow.” His breathing picks up, “I’m sorry I haven’t done anything to help you, I noticed and still did n-nothing, I’m such a-a horri-horrible husband. I swear I-I’ll tr-try harder,” Wei Ying pulls Lan Zhan back with an expression of horror and pain. Lan Zhan’s breathing starts to even out into less painful gasps after a few minutes of silence.
“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan..” his thoughts going crazy, did Lan Zhan think it was his fault? He is perfect, yet he is blaming himself for it, he couldn’t go down the path Wei Ying has gone down with self hatred and doubt, “None of this was your fault. None of this.” His voice stronger than before and more firm in tone. “You can’t blame yourself for this, it’s all my fault, not yours.”
Lan Zhan’s thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone, it was all his fault for not stopping him earlier, for not being there as much. For not noticing. He could hear his husband trying to convince him it wasn’t his fault, but he couldn’t pay attention to that with the whirlwind of negative thoughts in his head. He only looked up when Wei Ying brought his face up with cupped hands.
“I’m sorry!” Lan Zhan blurts once he locks eyes with his husband. Wei Ying’s face scrunches in slight frustration, he leans forward and gives Lan Zhan a light kiss on his tear stained face. Thumbs wiping away the tears from his eyes.
Wei Ying leads them into falling back onto the bed all the way until they are laying wrapped around each other. “It’s not your fault, I love you, I love you so much, I could never leave you, so please don’t try to leave me.” He says sincerely, with soft eyes as he tightens his legs and arms that are wrapped around Lan Zhan’s body, Lan Zhan’s arms wrapped around Wei Ying with a strong clasp as if he was keeping him from leaving.
“Never, I would never leave my Wei Ying, I love my Wei Ying,” he sets a light kiss on the top of Wei Ying’s head pulling him in until you couldn’t tell where Lan Zhan starts and Wei Ying ends.
“I’ll never try to leave you again, I promise, it just got too much today, I didn’t want you to find out because I thought you would get sad, or try and blame yourself like right now.” he whispers into Lan Zhan’s chest, “I will try to never keep this from you again I promise. Only if you promise me you will talk to me if you feel like this or even if you feel bad, promise?” His voice thick with emotion.
Lan Zhan nods, head too full to try and talk, he could feel Wei Ying physically relax after he nodded. He could feel him slipping into sleep as his limbs went slack and his breathing turned deep and steady, hair ribbon askew on his forehead.
Lan Zhan couldn’t sleep now though, he had failed his husband, his soulmate, his Wei Ying. He thought he could protect him, but he couldn’t even protect him from himself, what kind of partner is he, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. After a few minutes he started crying again, but this time silently, and as if Wei Ying could sense it he tightened his hug in his sleep which made Lan Zhan cry harder.
How could Wei Ying tell if he is hurting even while he is sleeping but his other half, his partner couldn’t tell before it got too late to fix it. He drifted off with destructive thoughts rolling into his head as he slept, making him restless and implanting the thoughts deep into his mind and subconscious.
He awoke suddenly with an outstretched hand, looking around at his surroundings, realizing it was a dream. A nightmare about Wei Ying, he hadn’t gotten there in time, he had been there too late watching out of body as he tried to save Wei Ying with no response. Only to find a note on Wei Ying that said it was all his fault, if only he was more observant and cared for him. He was reaching for Wei Ying as they fell into darkness before he woke up. He quickly turned to see a peacefully sleeping husband curled into his side as if to take warmth.
Lan Zhan closes his eyes with a shaky exhale, he laid back down and encased Wei Ying with his body as if to protect him from the world and its harsh words. Knowing he has to wake him up eventually, but wanting him to sleep more because last night was exhausting. He glanced at the window, seeing it was about seven in the morning, a little later than he would normally wake but still not too late.
As he waited to wake Wei Ying up his thoughts drifted back to last night, how can he prevent things like this from ever happening again or him even thinking about doing it again. He vows in his head that he will be there more and be more observant on what Wei Ying feels like. He can’t have room to mess up or he could lose Wei Ying. He stokes his husbands hair as he thinks, knowing if Wei Ying left he wouldn’t be able to stand it, he would go with him wherever.
It was only about half an hour later when Wei Ying woke up, feeling well rested from having past out last night from exhaustion. He could feel Lan Zhan’s fingers card through his hair, gently and soothingly. He felt as if he could fall asleep again if he put his mind to it because of how comfortable he was. “Morning Lan Zhan,” he croaked out with his voice rough from crying last night.
Lan Zhan jolted in surprise, then looked at Wei Ying whose eyes are still closed but a smile on his lips. “Good morning Wei Ying,” his lips upturned in seeing how comfortable his husband looked. “Did you sleep well?”
“Mhn” he leaned towards Lan Zhan, feeling for him with his eyes still closed, and gave him a soft peck on his lips before snuggling back down. “Tired, but it’s past time when Lan Zhan has to get up so I can’t sleep more.” He sat up rubbing his eyes and blinking them open and apart from the dried tears on his eyelids. He looked over at his soulmate, who is sitting up watching Wei Ying wake.
“Why didn’t you wake me up earlier Lan Zhan?” He slowly got up off the bed with less difficulty than yesterday’s attempt, “It’s late for you, you shouldn’t mess up your schedule just for me to sleep more,” he heard Lan Zhan get up off the bed and get dressed along with him. Both discarding their night robes for the traditional layers that were more appropriate for leaving the Jingshi.
“Wei Ying had trouble last night so I didn’t want him to get too little sleep,” he sounded like he didn’t want any of it to happen, from the time of the cold ponds to last night, like it hurt him. “Ah Lan Zhan you fuddy-duddy, you can wake me whenever, I don’t want you to be late to anything today.”
They left their room to find that breakfast had already been sent there, probably their sons doing. Speaking of Lan Sizhui, Wei Ying wanted to talk to him later to make sure he was alright. He absentmindedly sat down quietly and poured some tea for both of them as Lan Zhan sat down across from him. They started eating, Wei Ying obviously not fully present looking unfocused. “Wei Ying..”
He could remember everything Lan Zhan had said to him last night flitting through his mind, every word said. Only faintly hearing his name as he was on autopilot. His eyes cleared and he looked up at Lan Zhan who was looking at him as if he was expecting an answer. “Yes?” Wei Ying wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be answering.
“You normally talk during meals, no matter if it’s against the rules or not, and I.. I enjoy hearing Wei Ying’s voice,” he said the last part with a slightly embarrassed tone. “Then you were quiet so I was making sure you were okay.”
Wei Ying’s face broke out in a wide grin as he heard Lan Zhan’s confession, “Does Lan Zhan like when I talk? Does Lan Zhan want me to break more rules?” His voice teasing but in a small part of his mind he was being serious. “Yes,” Lan Zhan said with no hesitation, completely serious, as if he could read his mind. Although he also thought that was another reason they were soulmates.
“Well, Lan Zhan’s wish is my command then,” a softer more genuine smile crossed his face. Then he sat there and talked about everything and nothing, still avoiding last night though. He acted as if he didn’t see the small smile pulled on Lan Zhan’s lips as he talked enough for the both of them as they ate. Lan Zhan only responding with “Mmn,” every once in a while.
They finished their food quickly enough, so they settled in the main room of the Jingshi. Lan Zhan brought out his guqin and Wei Ying followed with his flute, they played calming songs for a while. When Lan Zhan stopped playing Wei Ying stopped and stared at the flute, avoiding eye contact with Lan Zhan.
“I would have done it sooner, but I didn’t want you to try and wait for me,” his eyes trained to the ground, “Or worse try and follow me.”
Without being able to see Lan Zhan’s reaction Wei Ying could only think of every bad scenario in his head. What if he left him? What if Lan Zhan was with you because he pitied you? All the what if’s running through his mind. When he saw Lan Zhan stand up out of the corner of his eyes his heart sank. He squeezed his eyes closed taking a deep breath, this was it, Lan Zhan was finally leaving.
“...Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan could practically feel his husband’s emotions just by looking at him. He sat down next to Wei Ying and hugged him tightly, “Would die for Wei Ying, love Wei Ying.”
Wei Ying broke down crying after he heard that, clinging onto Lan Zhan as if he couldn’t stand to be apart from Lan Zhan even if he was to be pried off. This broke Wei Ying, he promised over and over stumbling over his own words as he did so, that he would stay with him and he would never leave him as long as he never left.
They both knew it was going to be a long journey, but they were willing to try as many times as it took.
———
Over the next few months they worked their way into healing Wei Ying. Every time there was a slip up they would go right back into fixing it, not letting Wei Ying think about it for too long.
He only ended up hurting himself once, slipping up only once before Lan Zhan stopped him. It was on a rainy day while Lan Zhan was out for only an hour or so, Wei Ying had not felt right since when he woke up, but once his husband left he felt empty. So he found a small knife in the Jingshi and took it up, he was only able to press it into his skin and slice a few times before he heard Lan Zhan’s footsteps, signaling his return, he started internally freaking out.
He hid the knife as quickly as he could under their bed mattress and rolled down his sleeves in the hope that the red and black of his robes would make the blood unnoticeable. He didn’t have time to clean himself up before he entered their room. He could feel the blood starting to congeal on his sleeves and the sting of the cuts. There were only about five there, but they were not as shallow as they should be. So when he stood to greet Lan Zhan his vision got fuzzy and he stumbled only for Lan Zhan to reach him before he fell and grab ahold onto his arm to keep him from further injury from a fall.
“Aah!” Wei Ying immediately clamped his mouth closed and his eyes widened as Lan Zhan’s eyebrows furrowed, noticing how pale he looked. He assisted Wei Ying in siting again, as he pulled his hand away from Wei Ying he saw his hand covered in red. Lan Zhan’s eyes widened as he looked up at Wei Ying with concern, “Wei Ying, why didn’t you tell me you were injured?” He looked slightly hurt as he reached for Wei Ying’s arm to uncover where the blood was coming from, only to be stopped by his husband snatching his arm away from him. His eyes held a certain amount of fear in them that should never be there.
“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan successfully grabbed his arm more gently this time. He peeled up the sleeve to see the damage, seeing the cuts as tears dripped down Wei Ying’s face as he wouldn’t look Lan Zhan in the eyes. They bandaged it up with a lot of tears and rushed apologies from Wei Ying, they settled on the bed and Lan Zhan had Wei Ying talk about it instead of bottling it up. Ever since the incident Lan Zhan checks Wei Ying once every two weeks to make sure he is clean, effectively keeping an eye on his husbands moods to help when he notices a change.
Then about three months into recovery Wei Ying got a letter from Jiang Cheng, he was going to come visit. Wei Ying was just a ball of nervous energy as the day crept forward, waiting for his brother to arrive. He paced around almost all of Cloud Recesses then he paced circles around Lan Zhan as he marked the juniors papers. “Wei Ying, calm down,” Lan Zhan had to tell him for the tenth time in two hours.
Wei Ying plopped down in front of Lan Zhan with a groan, “But what am I going to tell him? Should I tell him at all? Oh god, when I tell him he is going to get mad?” He covered his face with his sleeve. “Wei Ying can do whatever he wants, you do not have to tell him. But it would probably help you to know you aren’t keeping anything from him.” Lan Zhan recommended.
After another hour of Wei Ying talking to himself, hyping himself up to tell his brother, Jiang Cheng arrived. He sent away all of the attendants and guards to go somewhere else before walking to Wei Ying.
Wei Ying spun around once he heard Jiang Cheng’s footsteps, “Jiang Cheng!” He ran into his brother, just about knocking him them over with his excitement, “Why haven’t you visited like you said you would!?” Jiang Cheng scowled as he yelled. Wei Ying pulled off of him and smiled sheepishly, “Well.. I think we should sit down before we speak about it,” His grin fading away.
They sat down at the table and poured tea as Wei Ying talked about how much Jiang Cheng has missed, but obviously avoiding certain parts of the story. Lan Zhan sat next to Wei Ying, glancing at him as he speaks up, “So, a lot happened.” Wei Ying laughed nervously, “I- We- I’m not sure where to start. Well it isn’t good news exactly, please don’t yell or get mad until I’m done please.” He looked straight into his brothers eyes, making him nod in agreement with a confused expression.
Wei Ying turned towards Lan Zhan before looking down at his hands, “So, after you left, a little while after actually, I.. I don’t know how to say it, I don’t know Jiang Cheng, I’m sorry. I tried t-to drown basically. Well that wasn’t the initial plan but that’s what almost happened, don’t get mad please.” He held his hands up in front of him as if to subdue him as his eyes watered, “I swear I won’t try again, everything just got to be too much, and I had already done so much bad and I thought it was the right thing to do. But it wasn’t.”
Lan Zhan reached out to his husband and grabbed his hand pulling him closer to comfort him, Wei Ying’s head rested on his shoulder. Lan Zhan looked up to see a bundle of emotions run over Jiang Cheng’s face, he looked like he was having a hard time deciding what he felt. “Wha- you..? Why would you do something so stupid?! How could you think that leaving would make anything better! You are so fucking selfless, why would you think I would want my brother to leave! What about Lan Zhan?! Did you think he would be happy if you had done it, if you had left, just think about how much it would have hurt us. You are some of the last of my family, I can’t lose you too, and I doubt your HUSBAND would want that either!”
Jiang Cheng was in tears by the end of his shouting, he was almost hyperventilating with the effort of the shouts. Wei Ying immediately went over and wrapped around his brother, also crying quite hard. They sobbed into one another for a few minutes as they caught their breath and wiped away their tears. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight, I never wanted to hurt you both, I love you guys more than anything. Just for that moment I couldn’t find a reason to stay and I acted rashly,” Wei Ying shuddered at his own words.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner, or at least send me a letter?” Jiang Cheng sounded so defeated as he spoke.
Wei Ying looked away and sat up straight, “I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell you or not until today. I didn’t want to worry you or bother you with it if it didn’t matter anymore.” Wei Ying didn’t meet his stare as he looked incredulously at him. Jiang Cheng looked like he was slapped, in a way he was, with the words just spoken.
He hesitated before speaking, “You know you can talk to me, about anything, right?” His face scrunched with a tinge of fear and worry. He said it with all seriousness which made Wei Ying’s head shot up to look at him, because in his head he always thought that since his shijies death he didn’t really think of him to be as close as they once were. Definitely not close enough to burden him with something like this whenever he needed to. Lan Zhan also seemed a bit more relaxed with the confession, as if he still had thought Jiang Cheng would hurt his husband again.
In the moments that passed they once again went to each other for comfort in another round of tears, apologies coming from both of them in hushed tones. Both of them learned just how much they hadn’t yet discussed about their friendship since the fallout. They took until about 8 in the afternoon to talk it out, parting with a much better relationship between them then when they met earlier.
They all went to their respective houses to rest for tomorrow’s inevitable talk with their son and Jin Ling. Wei Ying asked if Lan Zhan would also like if his brother, Lan Xichen, would need or want to be filled in with all that’s happened. Which was, of course, responded with a light, “Mmn,” which was enough for Wei Ying to read into and understand.
They settled into bed after bathing with Lan Zhan brushing Wei Ying’s hair out of the knots that were made with the amount of tears in them and the physical comfort. After his hair was brushed Wei Ying made Lan Zhan sit and have his hair brushed as a thank you, because he knew Lan Zhan would tell him there was no need for ‘thank you’s between them.
They laid down, wrapped over each other, and just before Wei Ying fell asleep he whispered, “I love you,” to Lan Zhan. Which was responded with a quieter reply of “I love you too,” from Lan Zhan, he could feel the smile on both of their faces as they drifted off into sleep.
Wei Ying’s last thought before he fell unconscious was that, he knew they would be okay, he would be okay, because he had all he needed here with him. All the support and love needed to be okay again.