Chapter Text
Saturday 2am
The cutest laugh Kei had ever heard rang over the call. “Stop! No!”
Kei had no intention of stopping, a little too drunk on Yamaguchi’s joy to be reasonable, let alone acceptable. “I’m serious! They really sound like that!”
They snorted. “You’re so mean!”
“You’ve got to meet them sometime.” He deadpanned. “You’ll see.”
“Maybe.” They countered. “I’ll make the distinction for myself.”
“Believe me, you’ll be on my side.”
“You’re probably right.” They giggled in a way that seemed almost like they were sharing a private joke with themself.
He didn’t get it. He didn’t really care. As long as he got to see them laughing. Maybe the two of them would share inside jokes one day. The thought seemed almost too good to be true.
His eyes followed Yamaguchi’s fingers as they played with a strand of hair and Kei felt like he was seeing something intensely personal. It was something about the way their shoulders relaxed inwards towards their heart that made him think that this was how they must look when they’re alone. Not trying to sit up straight for anyone else.
His heart thumped, dangerously close to being sentimental again.
“It’s more fun to be part of a team, you know?” They twirled their fingers, thoughtfully threading them through the locks. “So, yeah, you’re right: I’d probably take your side. Besides, you’re a pretty cool guy to side with anyway.”
Kei’s face heated up. He liked them. Really, truly. He was captivated by the way they were. By the way they existed in space. How gravity bent around them in order for Kei to fall into orbit. Like a moon that had found its own solar system.
“I’d feel pretty good about being on a team with you.” They tugged at their hair again, shoulders dropping even further. Relaxed and comfortable.
He nodded, not even having to think. “We’re already on a team now.”
“Hm?” Their voice was soft, almost whispering.
Something like fear settled into Kei’s throat when he realized he would have to explain himself. But the atmosphere was too calm for it to be fear. It must be something else. “We’re on a team to make sure you pass English.” He pointed out helpfully.
They hit him with more of that addicting laughter; a sound like tinkling bells. It filled Kei with a stupid, giddy sense of achievement.
Oh, to be on a team with you for the rest of my life. Preferably a romantic one.
Yamaguchi didn’t make eye contact, looking down and thumbing a lock of hair instead. “I like our team.”
It was a small thing to say, a small breath of air passing through a microphone in the form of vibrations and transmitted to Kei through laptop speakers. It should not have been the cause of such a strong emotional response. A burst of internal fireworks warmed Kei down to his toes. A pathetic blush that crept up his neck. “...I like it, too.”
Yamaguchi’s eyes sparkled like Kei had pulled down the moon and stars just for them. “Me too!”
“You already said you liked it.” He tried not to splutter so much. You’re gonna give me cavities, you’re so sweet.
“Oh,” Instead of fading, their smile only grew brighter. “You’re right.”
Kei tried very hard not to get lost in the dopamine surging through his body. Yamaguchi likes us. They like us! He turned his attention to business matters instead. “Do you live on campus?”
“Huh?” Their smile drooped, but Kei didn’t let himself mourn it: he had a new mission. Switching gears thankfully dampened his flooding heart.
“Birthday gift. Where should I send it?” He folded his fingers together and sat forward. This was a calculated lie. Although the birthday gift was the truth, Kei wasn’t going to send the shoes through the mail, if he could help it. There was a burning desire to wrap the gift and write a card and deliver it to Yamaguchi on his own two legs.
Socially-distanced, of course.
Except.
Well…
Maybe if Yamaguchi wanted to pull him in for a not-so-socially-distanced birthday makeout session and love confession, then he wouldn’t protest. No, he wouldn’t protest at all. Not even a little bit. Maybe Kei would actually really like it, even.
Their face went pink. “But I told you that you didn’t have to get me a--”
“I know.” He didn’t let them turn their eyes away again. He held the contact. Swallowed his nerves and stayed in the conversation. “I wanted to. Still want to. I want to.”
Their teeth played lightly with the plumpest and most perfect bottom lip Kei had ever wanted to bite. No, not now, get a grip.
Getting distracted by Yamaguchi’s lips again would be something an idiot would do. And Kei was not an idiot.
They smiled softly before coming back with a wink and a smug, “I don’t normally give out my address to fans.”
His palms felt sweatier than usual and his face was starting to burn hotter. What a little shit.
“...But then again I don’t usually have weekly study sessions and make private videos for my fans, either.”
Kei shouldn’t have felt so ecstatic about that. Still, he couldn’t help the little jump in his chest at how Yamaguchi eyed him hungrily on their next words.
“So I’d say you’re in your own category.”
It took all of Kei’s willpower not to slam his head into the desk. He didn’t know why his brain was signalling that this was the best course of action, but he didn’t want to deal with figuring that whole mess out. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that his heart and head were so full he didn’t really know what else there was to do besides concuss himself.
“I’ll text you the address. But I have to go now anyway. It’s nearly 3am.” They flashed him a sleepy, relaxed smile.
Kei wanted to see that smile every night. Preferably before falling asleep next to Yamaguchi in a bed the two of them shared.
Then his screen went dark and Kei was alone.
I really am an idiot.
But he couldn’t feel too bad when his heart was singing such a sweet little tune and sweeping the rest of him up in it.
He felt… good?
Ridiculous.
But still… as he brushed his teeth, changed clothes, then climbed into bed, he couldn’t stop smiling.
***
That same Saturday 3pm
Kei accompanied his hopeless team through yet another maddening defeat. He was about to punch something. Really, truly. And Kei wasn’t the punching type.
Apparently his superior reasoning skills couldn’t compensate for his teammates’ absolute idiocy. At this point it was like swimming upstream.
Scratch that. It was like swimming upstream with big rocks tied to each of his ankles.
The rocks were named Shoyou and Tobio. And they were currently screaming at each other.
“Kageyamaaa!!” Hinata’s whine cut through the game’s 8-bit soundtrack.
Kei rubbed his temples. Just kiss the other idiot already. Save me from this third-wheel hell. He knew that was wishful thinking, but what else was there to do at this point besides pray? The two had been teetering on the axis of their own sexual tension since high school. And they still hadn’t sorted it out. Honestly, it was starting to become a big problem.
“Hinata, you dumbass!” Kageyama giggled, sickeningly sweet . He was giggling. Gross.
Kei almost threw his controller when Hinata’s avatar poofed and was banished back to the starting line again, dragging the whole team with him.
“I could really use backup right about now,” He grumbled, choosing yet again to contain his rage. Kei hated to admit it, but he needed Kageyama to be focused, unlike other games. That boy was somehow naturally good at this specific game, better than Kei even. Which didn’t happen often.
Well, Kageyama was good when he wasn’t getting blue-balled over the phone by an orange little gremlin. And if Hinata was going to be distracting for Kageyama, it would only affect Kageyama’s ability to perform, so to speak.
The gremlin interrupted Kei’s thoughts, “Heyyy! I’m trying my best! Just gotta practice! Hyah!”
Kei jammed fingers against his temples in a way that hurt more than anything. It certainly wasn’t helping to calm the headache that had started twenty minutes ago. So much yelling.
“You call this practice? We’re doing all the work here!” Kageyama taunted.
Not when you’re trying to get in Hinata’s fucking ass, you’re not.
Kei decided to open his mouth, “And what, pray tell, are you doing?”
Kageyama trailed off for a few minutes, presumably to give his two brain cells enough time to rub together in an approximation of conscious thought. After a few seconds, he started up again with a defensive vigor. “I’ve done things! A lot of them! You wouldn’t even be at this level without me!”
Pulling out old arguments means he doesn't have any new points to add; I’ve got him. He grinned. “Then why, Oh Great One, are we losing right now?” Kei did enjoy poking and prodding the two. Even after they’d somehow become closer, he couldn’t bring himself to stop making jabs at them. It was fun. It was comfortable.
“But the important thing is we’re getting better!” Hinata cut in, ever the optimist. Like an annoying ginger mosquito. Perfect for swatting.
“Sounds like something a loser would say.” Kei poked.
Hinata grumbled through the headset while Kageyama stifled laughter. Somehow, Hinata never seemed to get used to Kei’s comments. Must be his positivity. Truly a fatal flaw.
Kei was about to prod them again when a vibration in his pants pocket stopped him. “Hold on.”
He checked his notifications.
Tadashi Yamaguchi: Wanna hang out?
Do I ever. “Okay, losers, I gotta go.”
“Hey, don’t lump me in with him!” Kageyama shouted over Hinata’s groans.
“Whaaa?! Where are you going?”
Kei felt only a little bit shitty for cutting their gaming short on both most recent occasions. “Listen, don’t be too butt-hurt. I can play again tomorrow.”
“Huh?” Probably difficult for Hinata’s brain to form conscious thoughts, too, since he and Kageyama were descended from the same breed of idiot. “What’s wrong? You never ask us to play. We always have to ask you.”
Shit.
He’d never pegged Hinata as able to pick up on stuff like that.
Or Kageyama, for that matter; always too distracted by each other to pay Kei much attention.
Maybe he had been wrong about them?
For years, though? It seemed unlikely. Sure, Kei never really cared about getting to know them better. Never really paid them any mind. Besides, they were always talking to each other. He just kind of was swept along. No, don’t worry about it.
Kageyama’s creepy approximation of a smile carried clearly through his voice, “Stop being weird, ‘Shima. Just go. We’ll play more tomorrow.”
Kei felt a wriggling sense of belonging as they said goodbye. A strange, new feeling. But it somehow invoked a sense of pleasant nostalgia. Like he was a kid again, finding bugs in the forest with friends. He didn’t know why.
“Tomorrow, we’ll beat their socks off!” Hinata stated, as if it was fact.
They would probably lose again and Kei knew it.
He sighed, “So ambitious for one with so much to learn.”
Kageyama had given up on holding back his laughter by now. Hinata was indignantly yelling again. Seriously, just sleep together.
Kei signed-off while they were distracted. So that Hinata couldn’t ask for ‘just one more’ round like he always did.
Their voices cut off, right in the middle of an argument. As usual.
Those two wore him out, just like usual, but this time he was also left with a… warmth?
If someone asked him to put the feeling into words, Kei wouldn’t be able to find a way. He didn’t know if he wanted to, though. Maybe he could just bask in it and leave over-analyzing by the door.
Yeah, maybe. But it was more likely that the sun would engulf the earth before Kei stopped overthinking.
He sighed, unlocking his phone to see Tadashi Yamaguchi displayed proudly. He grew warm in a different way.
The kind of warmth that sent a tingle of nervous energy through to the ends of his long limbs. He had no way to deal with it other than to fiddle his fingers and tap his foot.
Breathe.
He found the power button on the console and clicked it, holding down and watching the game’s animation freeze for a moment before shutting down, screen going fully dark, the almost silent whir of a tiny fan slowly dissipating.
The console is probably overheated from us losing so much. I am, too, don’t worry.
He took a few more deep breaths. Answer Yamaguchi. They’re waiting for me.
I know. It’s just… a lot. They’re a lot. They overwhelm me.
I like it, though.
Kei flushed at the fantasy of them on his computer screen again.
However.
This time it wasn’t in a YouTube video, but on a study date. Not a just a usual session. A full-on, no-joke date. Definitively this time. Just talking like usual. Just normal. He wanted to listen to them all day. All night. Forever.
I like them.
It scared him. It scared him so much he wanted to run. Bury himself away.
But he didn’t. He pushed himself through the mountains upon mountains of reasons to ignore Yamaguchi and instead… unlocked his phone.
Kei Tsukishima: I can hang out. Sent.
It took all of two minutes for Yamaguchi to respond with an invite link.
Kei realized he was straightening his hair and folded his hands together.
He inspected his shirt for any stains.
Just join the fucking meeting, Kei.
He grumbled and held his breath before clicking in.
It was stupid. They’d hung out a million times before. But… never without the guise of it being for school. Kei didn’t know what to do in a regular hangout. If this even was a regular hangout. Maybe it was still for school. Homework question or something. Yeah, probably.
And then there they were, popping up on his screen: radiant as ever, hair flaring out beautifully to frame their face.
He’d just seen them the night before, but even so. It stole Kei’s breath from his lungs.
Something was different about them. Something small. Kei made the decision to find it out.
He squinted and pushed his glasses up from where they’d fallen down his nose.
“What? What’s wrong?” They asked, anxious.
No dice. Whatever small detail was off, Kei couldn’t find it. Maybe he was just trying to distract himself with an imaginary puzzle to solve? He wouldn’t put it past himself. “Nothing. You just… you look…”
He sighed. It sounded stupid.
“You look… shiny?”
“Oh,” A beautiful pink flush crept up their neck.
Kei’s skin grew hotter to match. They’re embarrassed. Kei, whatever you do, DO NOT fuck up the conversation. “It’s a good shiny.” He said suddenly.
Yamaguchi tensed. “I--um--I decided to try something… Just a little eyeliner and gold… stuff. That’s probably why I look weird.”
Of course. The barest hint of gold framed their eyes. God, he wanted to be there in real life instead of seeing them through this barely-480p-frame. “My screen is shitty. If I was there in person, I would have been able to tell.”
“Yeah… uh, sorry…?”
“No. Don’t apologize.”
“O--Okay.”
Now that he knew what to look for, Kei could pick out where brown freckles and acne scars were joined by artificial golden specks shimmering in the soft light of their room. A flurry of gold and brown across a petite, pink face. Something about it was angelic. More so than normal, if that was possible. At this point Kei was tossing around the idea that Yamaguchi was a real-life angel.
Kei stood at about an 80% certainty these days.
They seemed otherworldly. Like they existed outside of the normal scope of this shitty world.
He was suddenly aware of Yamaguchi opening and closing their mouth mutely, neck getting redder the longer he stayed silent.
So Kei tried to help. “It’s gold.”
Nice job, idiot.
“It’s beautiful.”
Fuck. How stupid can I be?
The flush crept to their ears, eyes darting down.
“Thanks… Tsukki.” Delicate fingers tugged on a lock of stray hair, just like last night. Kei really hoped that wasn’t some nervous tick. He didn’t want them to be nervous around him. No, he wanted more of that relaxed smile he saw the night before.
Kei cleared his throat. “...No problem.”
“Are you okay?” They asked suddenly. “Your voice is a little hoarse.”
“Oh, um, yeah. It’s nothing.” Goddamn Hinata and Kageyama. “Just a lot of screaming.”
“Well,” They giggled abruptly. But it wasn’t happy. “I’m glad one of us is ‘getting some’ during quarantine.”
Kei’s stomach jumped up before careening down to his shoes. “No, no! That’s not-- I mean, I’m not having se-- Not that I don’t have-- I mean.” He gripped the bridge of his nose to calm down. “My friends are loud.”
Are the idiots rubbing off on you, Kei??! What the fuck are you saying today? Of course you’re single, your friends can’t stand you and you’re awkward as fuck!
At least Yamaguchi was giggling. Kei looked up to see their shoulders relaxing.
Thank goodness.
“Oh. Um. Sorry! I shouldn’t have asked! I was just trying to-- I don’t even know!” They stifled laughter and Kei felt as if things were getting easier. His own muscles relaxed as they giggled a little more.
Then their eyes slid into that hungry look from last night and Kei decided to do a little subject-change of his own. Anything to get out of the sudden hot, squirmy feeling that made him want to peel his skin off and fly away. “So! Were you calling about a homework question, or…?”
Please don’t be a homework question. Please be calling because you just like being around me.
“I… actually I did have something to ask.”
“Oh, yeah?”
Finally, something I can do instead of babbling like a moron. It’s probably a homework problem, though. But that’s fine. He absently dug into a pile of newly-completed classwork.
They went remarkably quiet for someone with something to ask, Kei noted.
So he commented on just that.
He got an uneasy laugh in return. “You’re right.”
Just shut up, Kei.
“I was wondering…”
He waited a bit longer for them to spit it out.
They didn’t spit it out. Just kept rearranging their clothes and unsuccessfully attempting to tuck locks of hair behind their ears. It wasn’t quite long enough to stay in place.
He prompted again, “Just wondering…?”
Yamaguchi’s chest expanded as they breathed deeply. “Why do you watch my videos?”
Kei almost knocked his homework stack over. What? Yamaguchi, what would make you think that I know why I watch your videos?
They fumbled on, twirling roughly at a lock of hair before wincing. They sheepishly let it fall back into their face. “What do you… I guess… like about my videos?”
Kei realized he was feverishly reorganizing papers and pushed them aside. They rained off his desk and onto the floor.
It’s okay. He could pick them up later.
Kei forced his eyes back on Yamaguchi, trying to somehow read their thoughts through the screen. It would be so much more convenient than having to talk to them.
Hey, that eyeliner did look really pretty on them.
No, Kei, focus! “...Why do you ask?”
“Research!” They said, meekly.
“What kind of research?” He wasn’t about to let his guard down just because they were a gold-clad angel.
Their fingers threaded quickly into their hair again.
Kei felt bad for that singular lock of hair in the middle of their face, with the way Yamaguchi always abused it. Tugging and pulling and trying to tuck it behind their ear.
“For your, um, special video. The video from me, that is. The one I’m going to make for you. I want it to be something you’ll like… Ya know?”
Kei had some trouble processing what they were saying. He was too busy getting turned on and repeating a video just for you, just for you, just for you-- over and over again. Like a big fucking ball-of-horny. A fuckball. A horny fuckball.
Luckily for him, Yamaguchi didn’t seem to be expecting an answer just yet, still lost in the explanation, “ASMR is very dependent on good triggers for each person. That’s why it’s so hard to make videos for a range of people--”
Kei’s mind flooded with some very unhelpful images of Yamaguchi in bright red lipstick kissing his neck on Halloween.
With horror (and not because of Halloween being 'spooky'), Kei felt the ability to make intelligent remarks slipping away. Far away into some alternate dimension. Because apparently this dimension had become the Fuckball Dimension and Kei was disappointed. So disappointed in himself. He was going to be left only with half-formed sentences and clumsy words if he let himself completely devolve into horny thoughts. His hands gripped into his bouncing knees, trying to stop the tidal wave of feelings. Not that he could.
“--Every different trigger can be great for one person but then sound grating for someone else. But!” They moved their hands excitedly, cutting through the air in a smooth, gentle way.
What would those hands feel like on Kei’s skin? Stroking his chest smoothly and then flitting down, down, down…
“Making a video for you is gonna be so fun! Because if you tell me your triggers, then I can personalize it. See? Help you relax. Ya know?”
What a coincidence, I need to relax right fucking now.
Their hands flitted out of sight and Kei could no longer follow them with his eyes. He turned back to their eyes again and almost jumped when he met an innocently expectant look.
Oh, um. He nodded. My turn to talk. Ahaha… Fuck.
“So,” They started again. “Which triggers do you like?”
Oh thank God they reminded me. Thank you, Angel Yamaguchi. But then there was a new problem. Kei contemplated how to answer without looking like a creep. He couldn’t very well say ‘All the sexual triggers, please. You see, I have this habit of jerking off to your videos.’
No, that would be Very Bad.
Thankfully, they broke Kei out of his thoughts, “You don’t have to think of them now. Just text me over the next few days, ‘kay?”
Relief poured into him like an ocean. “Yeah.”
Their eyebrows raised slightly, teeth sucking their bottom lip into their mouth and nibbling quickly. They looked like they wanted to rush out of their seat, like they had an idea and couldn’t keep themself still. “But…”
He didn’t like that look. It made him nervous. And fuckball-ish again.
“I could also try out some triggers right now and you could tell me what you like?” Yamaguchi scooched the silver mic on-screen hopefully. Kei didn’t have time to wonder why it was right in arm’s reach off-screen. He had bigger problems to deal with.
Test out ASMR on me… right now? Kei thought he must have died and somehow gotten into heaven. Even with all of his masturbating, somehow God had let him in. He wanted to point out to God that there was no way he deserved all of this.
Instead of saying any of that, Kei straightened his glasses methodically and cleared his throat. “Yes. That sounds good.”
“O--Okay!” They chirped. “Do you want to put on some headphones, then?”
He nodded, hands on auto-pilot as he grabbed and plugged in his usual headphones. He had a feeling that if he used the fancy ones he would never be able to face real sounds ever again. The whole world would be ruined for him if he wasn’t listening to it through those headphones.
His fingers were clumsy while plugging them in. His eyes wouldn’t turn away from Yamaguchi. Watching, intrigued, as they carefully readied everything.
Goosebumps bloomed on his arms at the slightest scratch of their fingers on the wood of the table. I’m going to die. This is my death. He was rather unsure about whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.
They slid the silver mic over a little and hooked it up, causing a slight bump to crackle over Kei’s ears before a wave of heavenly audio quality washed over him. Suddenly he could hear their soft breathing, brushing over the mic. Soothing his talkative brain.
Starshine’s familiar fingers flitted around as they checked the settings and gently adjusted dials.
This was something they never showed the YouTube audience. The little behind-the-scenes details that apparently only Kei was permitted to see. It was a little world just the two of them shared. No additional viewers.
It really was all for Kei, right now. And, sure, they’d done something like this before with the lip gloss, but it was still amazing and a little worrying how Kei’s mind became putty in Starshine’s hands. Yamaguchi’s hands. They were the same pair of hands. The same lips. The same person.
The same ability to reduce Kei to a stuttering mess.
The absolute quiet of Yamaguchi’s sound-proof room cut out all of the white noise in Kei’s brain.
His entire world shrank down, down, down, down.
No professors to email.
Down, down, down.
No family to call.
Down, down.
No video game enemies to avoid.
Down.
Until everything was solely made up of Yamaguchi. Kei’s world extended only as far as the tips of those gentle fingertips.
A manageably small world, he thought.
Just Yamaguchi, whose brows wrinkled in concentration as they adjusted a dial.
The dial clicked into place and Kei could suddenly distinguish their soft breathing from the rough flick of their fingers with stunning accuracy.
The contrast of the sounds prickled his scalp.
He shifted in his seat.
Yamaguchi turned sparkly brown eyes back up towards the camera. An unbearably disarming smile. Kei found that he wasn’t breathing anymore.
“Ready?”
He took in a lungful of air. Oh God this is really happening isn’t it? He fumbled to straighten his already-straight headphones. “Go for it.”
“So…” They crowded closer to the mic, clothes shuffling quietly. It was too close. Too close for anyone to be.
Kei found that his shoulders were pressing tightly against the back of his chair and he had nowhere else to run.
“Tell me about what videos you’ve seen.”
This is too close. Why don’t I want them to back away? It doesn’t make any sense. Memories from high school flashed. Kei forcefully pushing his teammates away after a game when they tried to pull him into a hug. He ducked away when Akiteru tried to pat his head reassuringly.
Kei squeezed his eyes shut.
“Which videos, Tsukki?” Close to his left ear.
Pleasant goosebumps skittered over his neck. Kei’s head instinctively twisted away from the sound and every little thing felt so loud. But Yamaguchi was so gentle with him. It was borderline euphoric.
Kei had incorrectly assumed he was growing desensitized to ASMR these days. But… something about Starshine--no, Yamaguchi --was different. He was unprepared for just how close it all felt. With Yamaguchi seeming to bypass his ears and instead choosing to speak directly to his soul. Vibrating Kei to his very core.
What was even worse was that instead of feeling invasive, it felt homey. Intimate. Right.
Just the two of them.
They moved to the other side and repeated, “What videos, Tsukki?”
Goosebumps spread down his shoulders. Kei moved his head in the opposite direction again, trying again to lessen how deeply intimate this all felt.
“Um… Are you okay?”
Kei cracked his eyes open to see concerned, chocolate-brown ones tilted up at him through the screen.
Yamaguchi retreated from the mic like a kicked puppy, finally giving Kei some room to think. But apparently, to his brain that was a bad thing because Kei’s heart dropped.
“Sorry, is it too loud?”
He shook his head mutely. No, it’s just a little too good, that’s all.
“Do you not like whispering as an ASMR trigger?” Delicate fingers brushed gently over the mic. “What about mic scratching instead?”
His head was enveloped by sound, making Kei’s shoulders go rigid as his body tried in vain to defend against a prickly rush shooting over his scalp. “I do like it. I like whispering. A--And I like mic scratching.” He gasped, desperate to get a word in before he went all tingly and non-verbal.
“Oh,” Yamaguchi’s face lit up and scooted closer to the mic again, voice finally filling out and taking on that addictingly confident tone they used in every video. “...You do, huh?”
I like it so much, Yamaguchi. SO much. Please never stop talking and touching me, even if it’s only over the internet. Kei’s face burned hot as it occurred to him that with this admission, he was now fully in the palm of their skilled hand. His lips tightened.
He forced his neck to nod.
But dainty eyebrows turned upwards, worried. “It’s just… you looked a little… uncomfortable, I guess?” They stopped brushing the mic and fiddled instead.
The fiddling still sent shivers through him, even though he was 100% sure it was not supposed to be a trigger.
But that little smile…
Okay, maybe 80% sure.
Kei heaved a sigh in between happy tingles. Yamaguchi was making him feel vulnerable again. It was bubbling up in his throat. He wanted to run.
No.
Not this time. Not anymore.
Kei steeled himself and forced his shoulders down away from his ears, where they had seized up defensively. “Trust me. I like it. Okay?”
“Really?” They looked up at him again, eyes hopeful.
It was criminally cute. He nodded, holding a moment of connection which he hoped Yamaguchi would find reassuring and not weird. Kei didn’t like being this open. Open like a wound. It felt horrible, as expected. Which is why he never did it.
He grit his teeth and leaned into it.
Yamaguchi nodded in response. The silence was deafening.
His palms were sweaty and his voice was hoarse. “Listen, I like the triggers you normally do. I wouldn’t have watched all of your videos if I didn’t.”
Yamaguchi’s eyes went wide. “All of them?”
Shit. Open like a wound, indeed. Except now he was bleeding. Bleeding his gross vulnerability right in front of Yamaguchi. Drowning in his own fucking mess. Unable to talk.
“Every one of them th—that you’ve seen, you mean?”
He forced his shoulders up and then down in what he hoped looked like a nonchalant shrug. Kei’s throat constricted, but he pushed through. “Yeah. That’s what I meant.”
They forced a laugh, turning away from Kei. Like they were trying to hide. Weird. According to Kei’s gut, it was him who should be hiding.
Kei half expected Yamguchi to unplug the mic and exit the call, but they were as considerate as ever, voice staying gentle in Kei’s ears. Staying in the moment with him.
Change the subject. Don’t ask me any more questions about it. Please. So I don’t have to lie.
“Yeah.” They quickly tucked a lock of hair messily behind a freckled ear. It swished in Kei’s headphones. But again, it immediately fell back, covering their forehead and getting in their eyes. He watched as Yamaguchi gave up fixing it, instead burying their hands in their lap politely. “Yeah, of course. I mean, it’s not like you’ve seen all of my videos. That would be…”
Kei attempted to look normal and not like his heart had just stuttered to a halt in his chest. This is the worst thing. Make it stop.
They didn’t stop. They kept going. “That would be… haha. Or… Um. Ts—Tsukki…?”
Agony. Agony as Kei watched them piece it together from his own accidental confession. Yamaguchi’s face was so close to the mic now that he could almost hear thoughts clicking into place. Dense, murky shame clogged his throat. Run. Run away. They’re going to know that you’re…
“Did you mean— You’ve watched…” Their fingers fiddled, quiet and unbearably gentle in his headphones. “All of my videos?”
Kei had never been in a physical fight in his life. Never even a scratch from anyone trying to mess with him. He’d been injured in volleyball, of course. But never enough to really count as something truly painful.
However, in that moment he decided definitively that he’d much prefer being punched and kicked--maybe even stabbed--rather than going through this even one more time.
A facial expression Kei couldn’t place flitted across Yamaguchi’s eyes. Somewhere between confusion and… He couldn’t tell. They stared at Kei and he felt his heart drying up. Shriveled away.
He tried to talk but his mouth wouldn’t move. He didn’t know what he would say anyway. Explain? What would he explain? How he was so in love with them that it was hard to breathe? How almost every night he lay awake thinking about them? How just being in class with them made it nearly impossible for Kei to focus?
Yamaguchi’s eyebrows knit. Was that… Disgust? Disappointment? God, he couldn’t tell. Would it really matter? Whatever it was, it wasn’t good.
Milliseconds passed as hours and every moment under those big, searching eyes wrung through Kei’s body. A deep hook pulling his insides out. His fingers inched towards the ‘leave call’ button.
Please, Yamaguchi. Do something. Anything. I’m tripping. I’m falling. Catch me.
They sunk into their chair shyly. They didn’t look at him. Couldn’t look at him.
And that was all that Kei needed.
I’m falling. Right on my face in the dirt. Perfect dismount, 10 outta 10. Right on my face.
Something was bending and snapping inside of Kei. Crashing. He panicked, ending the call. Yamaguchi disappeared from Kei’s screen, sharp click of the mousepad still radiating in his ears.
Kei’s hand trembled. Had it been doing that the whole time or was it just now that a second wave of nausea washed over him? Filling him up to the brim.
The room swam into a blurry haze behind his glasses.
He blinked. Hard. Sniffed preemptively. A familiar wet glob formed in the back of his throat.
Stop it. Just stop. You’re being stupid.
It’s not even a big deal.
Why am I crying?