Chapter Text
Cas’ first class of the day was maths, but as Mr Coralline was ill, there was a sub who had been given the next chapter in the book for the students to work through.
Cas wouldn’t have minded normally, it’s not like it could be helped, and the fact that he’d already worked through this chapter over the weekend when he had some free time meant he could work on something else or just let his imagination run away with him.
But that was the exact opposite of what he wanted to do today. He was still feeling jittery after his nightmare and without anything challenging or mundane to focus on his mind kept wandering back to Dean, and God, and his mother.
The thing was Cas wanted to tell her, he wanted to tell everybody but every time he told dean that he shot him down...
***
Two Nights Ago
Dean and Cas were laid out on Deans bed making out languidly, just as they would any Saturday night when they had nothing else to do.
It was their first night back at school and their first night back together since Christmas and it had felt like years for both of them.
They were both so used to waking up with the other that every morning they woke up in their bed at home there was a moment of panic and confusion when they couldn’t find the familiar body pressed against their own, or the warmth of half a bed that had recently been occupied.
Not that either boy would admit that out loud though – no chick flick moments or any of that crap.
So here they were, first night back, all the excitement of seeing their friends had dwindled and they were finally back together.
Normally this would have meant they were naked within 10 minutes of walking in – and locking their door (they had made that mistake once and only just moved fast enough that Sam hadn’t caught them in the act) - but this time as different. Cas was ready; he needed to come out, but he was nervous about what Dean would say.
“Dean, may we talk about something?” Cas asked pulling away from Dean and keeping a hand pressed against his chest so he didn’t follow the movement.
Sitting up with a look of confusion Dean moved the hand not propping him up to Cas’ hip, his thumb moving under his t-shirt and stroking the skin in a calming motion. “Sure thing Cas, what’s up?”
Cas shuffled, looking anywhere but at Dean, nervous, and no longer sure how to broach the subject.
“Hey, Cas, look at me.” Dean asked, guiding Cas’ face up with a hand on his jaw to make him look at him. He felt no resistance to the action so he was reassured that Cas wasn’t about to dump him, or recoil from him in disgust having finally realised that Dean was corrupting him and he wanted nothing more to do with him. “What’s wrong?”
Cas shuffled more but this time held eye contact with Dean, staying silent until he found the right words to say.
“Nothing is wrong exactly but I wanted to ask you something.” Once he had received a nod from Dean telling him to go ahead, he continued. “I want to tell my mother. Sam. Someone.”
Dean sat in shock for a moment before he regained his composure.
“Have you started taking crack over the holidays?” He said with a startled laugh
Seeing the hurt seep into Cas’ eyes and feeling him start to pull away from him Dean pulled him back to and continued. “Look, Cas, you know we can’t. Even if by some miracle your Mom – Scary, Hell, Angel that she is – didn’t care, my Dad would kick me out. And that’s after he’d kicked the shit outta me. You know we can’t.”
Cas felt anger bubbling up inside him.
“Do you actually care about us Dean?! Or am I just convenient? Is it really that scary the idea of someone finding out about us? You jump away from me at the first sight of someone else. You refuse to even sit near me. Lisa Braedon obviously has feelings for you, in fact if she made it any more obvious she would literally need to put a flashing neon sign outside our door!”
“Cas, what we have is perfect. Okay, now I’m going to make an exception to my no chick flick moments rule just so you understand. When we’re together, when you hold my hand, kiss me, touch me my heart races. And as for Lisa Braedon, you have nothing to worry about okay.? It’s just a game. When you’re near me I go out of my mind. All she does is make me laugh, nothing else. If she feels something for me then there ain’t shit I can do about it, but you know me. I may like sex… like a lot, but I am a monogamous man, and last time I checked this relationship wasn’t open? Me and you, forever, man. You know that. We just, we can’t tell anyone or everything will have to end.”
He’d been staring into Cas’ shocked eyes throughout his whole monologue just to make sure that he understood what he was saying, and now he was waiting for his response feeling more nervous than he would care to admit.
“Oh.” Was all he managed to say.
“Yeah, ‘Oh’. Now, we’re back here, and it’s been nearly a month and like I said I do like sex, and I like you… so let’s see how far we get, eh?” Deans face slowly transformed back into his usual cheeky demeanour, and the conversation was practically forgotten as Cas and Dean returned to making out with renewed fervour.
***
“Cas? Caaaaaas? Castiel!” Cas startled as someone clicked their fingers in front of his face. He looked for the source only to find Gabe grinning around a lollipop. “You were lost for a minute there, buckaroo.”
“Buckaroo?” Cas asked, confusion lighting his face.
“Oh Cas, you have missed out on so many of the joys of life.” He said with fond exasperation “I said are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Just bored, I’ve already done this work and my mind wandered to nothing much.”
“Bitch, please.” Was all Gabe said before he rolled his eyes and strolled back to his desk leaving Cas to go back to his thoughts.
Once again Cas’ head was brimming with conflicting thoughts which tied together his dream and his conversation with Dean. What should he do? What did God want? No, he knew that. God wanted him to find a trophy wife, have children, white picket fences, and a dog; the whole nine yards. At least Dean would get that. Cas wouldn’t but that was fine.
But then what was Cas? Why was he in Dean’s life? Was he there to guide him into a place where he could be okay being gay? Where he could be out and proud? Where they could be out and proud together? Or was it like his dream? Was he corrupted by the devil and dragging Dean down with him. Panic built up in his chest once more until he couldn’t breathe. Not wanting anyone to notice, Cas laid his head on the desk and began to breathe in and out slowly, counting the breaths and focusing on Dean and what tonight would bring. In and out. Thinking about auditions, lunch, anything that could distract him. Anything that would help him to keep playing the role Dean needed him to play.