Chapter Text
October 2033
Jeongyeon stares at the flower in her grasp, feeling its frail stem between her fingers. It’s red—quite bold, distinctive to one’s eye—and unmistakably dainty.
The smell isn’t sweet. Unlike others, this one smells earthy, like the smell you inhale from the ground during the rainy days of June.
She smiles.
The weather is good. The weather is clear and bright. Yellow, orange, and red palettes paint the autumn leaves of the picturesque scenery. Birds fly above her head freely—the sun’s rays blind her vision momentarily, but she doesn’t complain.
21 years. It has been 21 years since she last visited this place. It may sound implausible, bizarre, and just downright suspicious, but there really is no reason for her to lie.
She catches an extra whiff of the autumn breeze, scanning her eyes around the vast area. It brings back memories—warm and childish ones—and it feels as though she is channelling her youth once more. If only she knew then how quickly time would pass them by, she would’ve perhaps stayed longer and played more with them, with her friends.
She wants to say she has no regrets so far in her years of living in this damned yet beautiful world, but that would be a lie. In fact, she has many—but she is who she is now because of them, hence she would not dare to change a thing.
However, now that she’s older and a tad wiser, she learns to not waste any more time. That each waking day must be worth something, no matter how big or small. That she needs to take more risks, be a bit braver, to say the words she wants to say at points in life if need be.
Back then, she thought that she must plan her life ahead to achieve satisfaction—happiness—that she must be in control at all times to truly feel things. However, many circumstances proved her wrong.
Often making plans and decisions, only to have those plans fall through made her realise that it’s just what life is.
She knows she isn’t as brisk, active, and young as she used to before, yet still young enough to turn her life around.
And she’s doing that—little by little. Taking baby steps in this massive playground called life.
“Mum!”
She turns her head. Joy instantly bubbles up inside of her.
The corners of her mouth curve into a smile, squatting down the solid ground with her arms outstretched.
~
April 2028
Eyes fixated on the grappa glass that’s half empty—rim smeared with her blush nude lipstick—Jeongyeon gathers her hands on her lap, and fiddles with the papers that are already a week old.
Hearing nothing but the hubbub going on around her and the beat of her heart, she feels her nerves tingling like being strung with a tiny pick.
Her mind acts as though its on vibrate, buzzing with thoughts that she just cannot hush—it’s like opening hundreds of tabs at once that when you try to close the entire window, it just crashes, freezes, and you find that nothing appears to be working anymore.
Relax. You’ve practiced this thousands of times already.
It’s as if she’s underwater with a racing heart, realising she’s unable to swim.
Just say it out loud with a smile on your face, just as you practiced.
Her breath quickens as she feels the dread in the pit of her stomach.
The chatter gets louder, but she cannot make out a single sentence, not even a word—nothing but murmurs.
And then silence.
Even the silence is loud.
Jeongyeon paced around the room, head hung low as she stared at the piece of paper, blotched by wet bits with its corners lightly crumpled in her hand.
She read the same words, lines, over and over, till her mind drowned them, till she no longer understood them—as if she understood it in the first place, really—till it became a habit.
Facing the mirror in front of her, she smiled.
From the top.
1… 2… 3…
“Nayeon and I…” Jeongyeon pressed her lips together all the while tearing her gaze away from the paper. She saw her reflection. The colour began to drain from her face—pale, almost lifeless. “Nayeon and I have known each other for 16 years.”
It seemed as if her lungs could burst, trying to contain the unwarranted emotions within. She hid her trembling hand inside her jacket pocket as she cleared her throat. “I wouldn’t really say we clicked right away…” She bit her lower lip. “In fact, we actually—"
A loud thud behind her. She turned her head.
A medium-sized picture frame—its front facing the ground.
Saved by the unusual occurrence, Jeongyeon walked near and picked it up.
She stared at the photo behind the cracked glass, and there went another stab on her already wounded heart. Jeongyeon had almost even forgotten this photo existed.
The hand in her jacket formed a fist, blinking back the warm liquid that sat on her lids. Her throat tightened, it felt as though something was pressing on her chest, something heavy, perhaps weighing more than anyone could ever imagine.
It was a photo of Nayeon, a selfie, perhaps taken all the way in 2023. She remembered Nayeon just casually placing the photo on her shelf when the woman came over one night, and said, “I’m putting this here just in case we both get busy and you end up missing me.”
She let out a chuckle, a bittersweet one.
She sniffled, wiping her eyes against her sleeve before putting the frame back to its place.
Dragging her feet on the ground towards the table, she looked over the paper scribbled with her writing.
“This is just cruel,” Jeongyeon said as she read over the words, then darted her eyes to the ceiling. She puffed her cheeks, soon releasing a loud and quite a heavy blow of breath in the dense air.
Her phone chimed in her pocket.
[MESSAGES: satang <3 – 3 Text Messages]
satang <3
[9:09 PM] Hi jeonggg!!
[9:09 PM] How are you? 👩❤️💋👩 👩❤️💋👩
[9:10 PM] Dahyun said she came by at your place about an hour ago and no one was there. Where are you?? is everything okay???
[9:10 PM] i don’t think I can do this sana
satang <3
[9:10 PM] What do you mean?
[9:10 PM] This is too much
satang <3
[9:10 PM] What are we talking about here exactly?
[9:11 PM] Jeong?
[9:12 PM] Jeongyeonie talk to me
She stared at the messages—a little longer than she intended. But she didn’t reply. She didn’t even understand how she felt or what exactly was going on inside her head. Having known that—how was she supposed to explain things to her friend? It would simply be impossible.
Grabbing her car keys from the drawer, she sped her way to the front door and left her apartment just like that—but had perhaps stole a subtle glance at the door across.
--
9:44 PM.
Wearing a mask and a cap, like she always did, Jeongyeon walked the path filled with cherry blossom petals—a path that would lead her to Namsan tower.
Such a throwback it was—visiting the famed tower again after so many years.
It’s quite a long walk, and she wouldn’t really say she enjoyed it. As she travelled along the path, she noticed that the air that hugged her felt somewhat colder, lonelier, considering that the companion that brought her here several years ago was nowhere near her anymore.
Despite having this many people, she could still hear Nayeon’s voice, mellow and distant. She could still hear their sneakers thumping against the wooden floor.
And as though she was being haunted, chased by memories she had always wanted to bury, she remembered, witnessed so vividly their figures from afar, fingers intertwined, hands both held tight—it used to be a habit that they both couldn’t break.
Lorn beyond all rationality, she found it unbearable to walk any further—her whole body ached. For sleep, for rest. She could not even recall the last time she had slept soundly.
She turned around and removed her mask—however, it didn’t really make breathing any easier—suffocated at the thought of still being haunted by the ghost of her.
Perhaps there’s something wrong with her.
She tried, for as long as she could remember, she tried her best to forget her, abandon her feelings, but it was easier said than done.
She had been on so many blind dates set up by her colleagues, friends, and even family this past year—she had even managed to actually date a few where each relationship only lasted for three months at the very least, knowing that her heart burned for a different name.
She had tried several ways but failed each and every time.
Leaning her weight against the railings that were cold to the touch, she decided to look around her surroundings—an attempt to divert her thoughts—refusing to break down in such a wide-open space full of people.
“Nayeon, what are you doing to me?” Jeongyeon whispered in the air, all the while staring at the city lights beneath her.
Missing someone. She of course knew what it was like to miss someone. Having been separated from Nayeon for almost a decade several years ago, she out of all people should know how it would feel. And it did hurt then—but why does it hurt differently now?
She shook the thoughts off her mind as her grip drew tight around the cold metal.
Putting her mask back on, she started walking again, following the trail of unique and colourful love locks affixed to the railings, gazing at the words scribbled on them.
And it didn’t take long for her to spot their own lock—fastened very much nicely, although a bit rusty.
She squatted down and held the lock between her fingers.
‘NY ♥ JY
14.02.22’
A smile formed her lips, a sad one, she knew.
She often wondered whether this lock was the reason why it wasn’t so easy to forget about her, to love somebody else that wasn’t her, to see anybody else other than her. The lock that perhaps symbolised an unbreakable love. It was the very lock that supposed to bound them together, forever.
And things as such were usually just fantasies to her—mere tales or myths that people had chosen to believe just so they could have something to believe in. A glimmer of hope in a world that lacked love.
But given her situation now and where she stood in life, it might as well be true.
It didn’t make sense. To miss or want someone this much, it just didn’t make sense to her.
She had no idea how other people have done it—how they could easily forget as time went on.
Did she perhaps need more time? To heal and accept the way things worked out?
But how much more? How much more time did she exactly need to be able to say to herself ‘I’ve moved on.’
How much more time? Because honestly, it was starting to feel like forever.
She flipped the lock around.
‘JY ♥ NY more tho’
A humourless chuckle came out of her mouth—and soon the chuckle turned to a sob, a stifled one, as her hold on the lock had loosened.
She must’ve lost her mind the moment she decided to set foot on this place again. When she thought it may give her peace, closure, all it gave her were memories that she didn’t want back.
She was so close to driving herself mad, carrying such a burden in her chest that she eventually decided to drive back home.
--
Jeongyeon figured she just had to say it. To admit it to Nayeon’s face. And there she was, standing at her friend’s door, waiting.
She raised a fist and landed two knocks on the wooden door.
She heard a voice inside the place, talking, seemingly arguing with someone. “Who is it?” The footsteps ceased.
“It’s me,” Jeongyeon croaked.
Seconds later and the front door creaked open. Nayeon’s face greeted her with surprise right through the small gap. “Jeongyeon…” the woman said. “What brings you here?” She marched towards the kitchen island—it was messy, documents were scattered everywhere—leaving Jeongyeon trailing behind.
Judging by the looks of the apartment, it was very clear that Nayeon had a lot on her plate. She could only hope that the woman would be able to spare a bit of her time.
Jeongyeon fixated her eyes on her own shoes. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“Not now Jeong, please…” Nayeon dialled some number on her phone and pressed it against her ear. “I have so many things to do and—I’m struggling over here.”
“I know.” Jeongyeon clenched her fists—they shook lightly, knuckles turning pale as she took a huge gulp. “But it’s really important, and I just need to let it out.”
Nayeon, having retrieved her phone from her ear, heaved a loud sigh. “For God’s sake.” She appeared to dial the number once more.
“Nayeon…”
“Yeah, go on.”
Not a glance was spared. And it wounded Jeongyeon’s frail heart. Nayeon’s eyes merely maundered on all the papers in front of her, acting as if she had already deemed Jeongyeon’s presence no less than insignificant.
“Would it kill you to at least look at me?”
The woman put her phone on the marbled top, rather brashly, then raked her pale hand through her hair. Her gaze remained trained on the documents; brows knitted close as murmurs left her pallid lips.
“Nayeon.”
“What?” Nayeon snapped, dropping the pen in her hold at once. “What? What could possibly be more important than this?” Annoyance framed her face, and it may have startled Jeongyeon in place, sucking her breath dry.
“I…”
“Well?” Nayeon tapped her fingers on the counter—they were fast, somewhat antsy. A gusty sigh then escaped her mouth as she cranked her neck from the side. “Jeongyeon, I don’t want to waste time like this. So, if you have anything to say, just say it after the wedding.”
Jeongyeon interlocked her fingers together and rested them just below her stomach. “No. Please, just—give me a moment. I’m just trying to sort my thoughts out.”
The woman had her back face Jeongyeon. “Yeah, okay. Well, let me know when you’re done sorting them out.”
Rustling of papers, shuffling of feet, a fountain pen scribbling on some stupid paper—the mere sounds of them have managed to get under Jeongyeon’s skin.
But she knew she had no right to be mad—at least not in this situation. She took a deep breath and had her jaw clenched.
“Can you stop what you’re doing and just… look at me?” Jeongyeon said, sounding close to a plead—her voice wavered slightly. “After I say my piece—fine, look everywhere else for all I care, but right now, I ask you to just stop and listen to me.”
A sigh flew around the room.
Nayeon turned to face her. “Fine,” the woman said, crossing her arms as she leaned her weight back against the kitchen island. “I’m looking at you now, and I’m listening, so, say it.”
“I…” Jeongyeon stuffed her hands inside her pocket. “I haven’t been completely honest with you,” she said, eyes dropping to the floor in an instant.
“Okay?”
“It’s just—I…” She tried to buy some time to find the right words to say by dragging the syllables out, but to no avail. “We have a problem.”
“What problem?”
“This. This whole wedding thing…” Jeongyeon shut her lids. “I don’t think I can do it.”
“What are you talking about?”
Jeongyeon’s knees grew weak. “Don’t get me wrong—you mean a lot to me, Nayeon, and I know that you know that. But this…” She paused. “I just think you’re asking too much from me.”
As soon as those words flee her lips—words that had always been fussing at the back of her mind—she could almost see the cracks, the gashes inflicted in her core.
Nayeon forced a laugh, seemingly stoic and sarcastic. “Me? I’m asking too much from you? What are you on about? All I’ve asked was for you to be there—"
“And that’s the problem.”
“What? What exactly is the problem? You attending? Jesus. Are you saying you’d rather do something else than attend your best friend’s wedding, is that it?” Nayeon took a step closer.
“No—”
“Then what? And don’t make this a ‘we’ problem. You have a problem.” The woman stabbed a finger on her chest. “Do you not realise how important that day is for me? The wedding is next week! What’s wrong with you honestly?”
I ask that to myself too. Jeongyeon wished she had a solid answer, but it really wasn’t as easy as it seemed.
For many months, she wondered why she wasn’t healing. People told her that healing wasn’t supposed to be linear—that there would be days you’d feel great, days you’d feel okay, days you’d feel down and some you’d feel as though you’ve reached rock bottom. And the cycle repeats.
But what does one exactly do when they feel everything—every pain, every throe, every bullet—all at once and then nothing at all?
“I’m just trying to make sense of things.” Jeongyeon pressed her lips together. “Nayeon, I-I can’t be there.”
“No. That’s not fair.”
“Not fair?” Her voice trembled.
“Y-you can’t just say that. You can’t just show up here and tell me you don’t want to be there. Not when everything’s been planned out already. I want you to be there.” Nayeon’s chin quivered ever so slightly, hand clutched to her own chest. “Why are you acting like this? You’re hurting my feelings.”
Jeongyeon turned her face away right as she saw the flicker of sadness in her friend’s damp eyes.
“I’m not trying to.”
Silence engulfed the room.
There was this thickness in the air that surrounded them—each breath she took, each small movement she made felt hefty—it was unforgiving.
Jeongyeon wanted to run, to hide, and she was almost certain Nayeon felt that way too.
“Why can’t you be there? Is this about work? Family? Some personal thing?”
“It’s not going to change anything.”
“What?”
“If I tell you, you’re just going to hate me and we’re going to be awkward and ignore each other again for who knows how long, and I don’t want that,” Jeongyeon admitted. “So, please, just forgive me for this one.”
“Oh, so now you’re assuming how I’d react—Of course! What a very Jeongyeon thing to do.”
“Nayeon…”
Nayeon drew a sharp breath. “Let me hear the reason.”
“Don’t be stubborn.”
“You’re being stubborn.”
“You’re not going to like it. Trust me.”
“Who are you to say that? How could you possibly know what I’d like and wouldn’t like.”
“I just know, okay?” Jeongyeon raised her voice, leaning forward with her fists clenched to either side.
She saw the way Nayeon flinched—but the woman didn’t back down. She maintained the eye contact—looking at Jeongyeon with a thousand-mile stare, and maybe it stirred something inside of her.
Quickly averting her gaze, Jeongyeon’s eyes roamed around the room, so desperate to quash the tears that sat on her lids.
A pair of hands found her own. They were cold. They trembled.
“Just tell me what’s wrong,” Nayeon said with her now thick voice—her breath shook as she squeezed Jeongyeon’s hand tight, coaxing, begging for an answer. “C’mon. Why can’t you go?”
Jeongyeon’s eyes landed on their hands. They appeared as though they were holding onto each other, hanging onto something so unsure, given that any moment the twig might snap, their fingers might slip from the cliff that is love.
Nibbling on her bottom lip, she began to hesitate.
She thought about all the possibilities—how Nayeon would react, how their story might end upon releasing the truth. And she could already tell how this one might end—and perhaps it wasn’t going to be pretty.
She met her friend’s eyes.
“You know why.” A single tear raced down her cheek.
“What?”
Her chest drew tight. She did not say a thing, not even a single vowel—she merely stared as she finally wore her heart on her sleeve.
Nayeon let go—and it hurt.
“No… no.” The woman shook her head lightly, and slowly stepped away. “You can’t—”
“I already did, and there’s no way out of it. I’ve tried, believe me.”
“I’m, I’m getting married.”
“I know.”
“I love Mina.”
Jeongyeon held her breath.
“I know.”
Nayeon stayed mum, her lips were sealed shut as she dawdled her way towards the couch, shoulders slumped, eyes seemingly lost.
And at that moment, the world appeared to have stopped turning.
It was so quiet, Jeongyeon could almost hear the sound of her own breathing. Maybe she regretted it. Regretted admitting it. Especially when Nayeon’s weak sobs had reached her ears.
“What’s the use of telling me this now?” Nayeon said.
“I don’t know.”
Jeongyeon knew it would turn out this way, and it truly was not pretty.
And nothing in this Godforsaken world was more painful than seeing the woman that she loved the most cry because of her.
But she couldn’t take it back—now, she could only wish she hadn’t said it at all.
“It really took you this long to tell me the truth?” Nayeon sniffled.
“Yeah…”
“Why?”
“Because I was confused… and scared.”
“Confused how?”
A sigh. “Nayeon—”
“Confused how.”
Jeongyeon took a few strides towards the couch. She sat beside her friend soundlessly and gathered her hands on her lap. “At that time, no one really made me feel the way you did. And I wasn’t so sure what to make of it. I didn’t want to entertain the idea. I thought that, if I just ignore it, suppress it—it will fade, and that it was only a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. ‘It will pass,’ I thought.” She pressed her lips together and shifted in place. “And then one day, it just hit me—the realisation—that holy shit moment where I just sat in my car and thought, ‘it’s her. it’s always been her.’ But I was too much of a coward to do anything about it. I didn’t want to risk it. Of all things to risk, I didn’t want to risk you.”
A scoff. “You really expect me to believe that? When all your life you’ve done nothing but risk it all?”
“Yeah, okay. You’re right. I was a risk taker. Whether it be dropping out of University. Pursuing a different career… I do a lot of stupid shit, quite impulsively, in fact, but this—” Jeongyeon paused, and ran her fingers through her hair. “—this is different. It’s our friendship we’re talking about, and I just couldn’t risk it. Because—let’s say I did. Let’s say I took that risk, and then we decided to start dating. What if it doesn’t work out in the end? What if we both wake up and learn that we aren’t happy? Then we’d break up and everything would turn foul. What then?”
Nayeon stared into space. Her own hands found their way to her cheeks as she wiped the tears that somehow refused to stop flowing.
“You’re just about the closest thing I have to paradise, and I didn’t want to lose you, Nayeon. Not again,” she added.
The sobs briefly ceased. “No—Don’t look at me like that.” Nayeon shook her head, rising from her seat.
“I don’t know how else I should look at you.”
Nayeon paced to and fro before her, then started to point fingers, her figure loomed over Jeongyeon’s face. “I was always here. I was literally right in front of you and I thought you never fucking saw me… Years. Years, I’ve waited, like a fool, and you never said a thing because you’re scared? You think I wasn’t?” Her chest heaved up and down, her eyes fragile, like a porcelain on display, albeit with cracks and a few more flaws. “I fucking hate you.”
Jeongyeon looked down. “You don’t mean that.” Her voice broke.
Hands on waist, the woman offered a sardonic laugh. “You know what? You’re right. I don’t. And that’s the part I hate the most—how you can fuck me over so many times, make me cry, break my heart in two, and I still cannot bring myself to hate you,” she managed to say in one breath. “And now you pull this stunt, telling me you cannot go because you love me?”
“I’m sorry.”
The moonlight casted its halo on Nayeon’s face as the woman stepped before the balcony.
Jeongyeon wished she could hold her—caress her cheeks, wipe the tears off her small face, hug her close—even just for a brief moment, just one last time before they part, before they act like strangers who knew a little too much about each other.
“I don’t know what to do…”
The strain sustained in Nayeon’s voice was enough for Jeongyeon to deduce that the woman was torn.
“You don’t have to do anything. We can just—”
“Pretend like this never happened? Again? Like that time you kissed me? Say that this was a mistake? To not make it ‘weird,’ because that’s what you’re good at, right? Running away from things?” Nayeon said, further pressing onto the fresh wound. “Was that the plan all along—you coming here? To say your piece and then leave me in pieces? Because you’re selfish like that, is that right?”
“There was no plan, alright? I didn’t even want to tell you in the first place. And what’s wrong with pretending like this never happened? It’s not like you…” Jeongyeon tilted her head, walking to her friend with light steps. “It’s not like you still…”
Hypocrite. That’s what Jeongyeon was—a hypocrite.
She promised not to expect more, to want more than what they already have, to not defy the odds against them. She said she didn’t want to risk it, but whenever she looked at Nayeon, all Jeongyeon wanted to do was risk it all.
Nayeon looked away. “I-I don’t know. We’re done here. I’m tired.”
“Nayeon—”
“I just want you to leave, please.”
But of course, she was too little too late. A step behind, like always. And when she jumped, having carried that courage she had finally acquired, nobody was on the ground—just her falling hard with the love nobody wanted.
“Okay.” Every step she took felt heavier than the previous one, heading towards the front door, and felt as though she had stained the floor with her chest open, heart chained close to Nayeon. She tried to pull a smile right as a solemn tear fell down her cheek. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad I met you… And I’ll have you know that the moments I’ve shared with you—granted, they weren’t perfect, but they were with you and I guess that’s what made them incredible.”
Her utterances simply hung there, in the air, echoing in the closed and dim room.
And before she knew it, the place began to crumble. The walls fell outwards, leaving the place naked as the furniture evanesced into nothingness—and soon, Nayeon’s features began to fade, like an oil painting, smudged off wilfully till she became unrecognisable.
And Jeongyeon is able to make out faces, expressions, reactions, if you will—but by no means will she be able to make out what Nayeon’s face would be, what her expressions would be like, or how she would’ve reacted to all the things she said.
Because the truth is—Jeongyeon didn’t want to ruin Nayeon’s long-awaited shot at happiness, still doesn’t.
There was, in fact, no fight, no confrontation, no confession—Jeongyeon never knocked at Nayeon’s door that night; she never went back to her apartment building, but instead spent the night at her parents’ place, crying in her mother’s arms like a tired and defeated child after she had made her journey to Namsan Tower.
In trying to palliate for all the regret she has, she made them be that way, in her head.
She gives them an ending, an imagined one, that she believes they at least deserved—or perhaps it’s meant to help herself, to kid herself that it’s going to be okay, to lessen the regret, a way to minimise the pain—that in some way she is compensating them for all the chances that were never taken.
And there is perhaps no harsher pain than choosing to keep things untold.
“I actually spoke to one of our best friends earlier, Jihyo, and she warned me about the things not to include in my speech, so I guess this means, no alcohol…” Jeongyeon says against the mic, purposefully dropping a paper on the floor—an action that has garnered laughter by many guests. “Nothing embarrassing that might ruin our best friend’s image…” She drops another paper.
“Nothing nasty…” she trails yet again letting the paper loose as the crowd laughs. “Ah, here we are—high school.”
Jeongyeon’s eyes wander around the reception, acknowledging every eyes of every guest there is—their gazes, expectant.
She swallows a lump in her throat, giving an unsure smile that she hopes looks quite sure and convincing to many. “Nayeon and I have known each other for 16 years. I wouldn’t say we clicked right away, in fact, we actually disliked each other—and I just remember thinking, ‘wow, this girl is such a pain in the ass.’” She chuckles, and so do the guests.
The scent of the place reminds Jeongyeon of something sweet, like some freshly baked chocolate cookies, cakes, and ice cream. Mayhap there’s a whiff of bitterness too, like the taste of a red wine at the tip of one’s tongue.
The space is no less than magical. It’s almost like a fairy-tale come true with its high ceiling, illuminated by hanging bulbs and chandeliers, and its far-reaching vista of the ocean. The tables are adorned with fresh white flowers, climbing around the gold-plated candelabra—It’s bold, it’s rustic, it’s elegant.
“And before I go any further, I must let you all know that this speech isn’t about Nayeon and I,” she says as she reads off of the paper in her grasp, “but rather this is me letting Mina know just what she got herself into.” She casts a glance at Mina’s way and receives a small smile in return.
“You see, Nayeon has always been quite an imaginative person. From the moment I agreed to be her friend, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to shut her up… Her mind, her mind really is an amazing one—she’s bright, she loves to talk, she’s funny and so full of ideas—and having spent years by her side, I’m pretty sure, Mina already knows that,” she says whilst staring sightlessly over somebody’s shoulder. “16 years. It’s safe to say that Nayeon and I know too much about each other—way too much that anything she says now just might send my career down the drain.”
She finds Dahyun’s eyes amongst the horde, they’re gentle, kind, and encouraging. The woman gives a grin at her previous remark.
“Know too much in the sense that we’ve laughed about the things we’ve shared, cried about them, and perhaps have shared secrets too—one being that Nayeon has actually had a crush on Mina since she was 18.” Fascination and awe cross the people’s faces. “Oops, not a secret anymore. Sorry not sorry?” She winces, and soon chuckles, a sound which echoes from the speakers.
“All I remember was rooting for her then, to tell Mina how she felt, and then maybe she could stop complaining to me about why she was still single at that time,” she continues, playfully rolling her eyes—one can say she’s trying to mask the nervousness and pressure she’s under. “And although they’ve lost touch for quite some time, me being here in this wonderful wedding reception of theirs is perhaps enough proof for me to believe that there really is such thing as soulmates.” Her chest begins to grow tight as she lets the last word escape her lips.
“I remember Nayeon saying one winter afternoon that she doesn’t know if soulmates are real, but if they are, she hopes she’d get to marry hers.” Her nails dig into her palm. “Well, guess what? She actually did.” She forces a smile.
“That being said, here are some tips I have for Nayeon’s soulmate… and you better jot them down because I swear on my life, you’ll need them,” she says, looking brazenly into Mina’s eyes. “After all, the pain in the ass needs someone to look out for her too,” she adds, jokingly.
She takes a deep breath as her stomach knots. “One, Nayeon can be stubborn. Our friends can vouch for that—so when she suddenly asks you to play truth or dare, just play along and hope she’ll let you live.” Giggles reach Jeongyeon’s ears. She clears her throat. “Two, when she cuts food with the knife upside down, kindly correct her, emphasis on kindly, and always, always make fun of her for it… Three, when she insists that everything’s fine, it’s really not—what that means is drop everything you have in your hands, and instead hold hers, and just squeeze them tight,” she says, speaking in a tone that’s barely managed.
“I mean, I could go on for hours but we’re running out of time, so I’ll just email you the rest.” Mina’s eyes crinkle at the corners as Jeongyeon lets the words fly through the speakers.
Licking her lips who have turned dry, she draws a sharp breath as she carefully folds the paper into squares, ultimately keeping it out of sight. “Nayeon… Nayeon once told me that a soulmate is someone who just gets you. Someone who matches your crazy, who matches your sarcasm with an even better one. That it’s someone who you can banter and argue with, and still make it worthwhile. That perhaps it’s someone who wants to work at it, every day, when things get difficult, simply because they want you—because they’re crazy just like you…” She gives a snicker, a light one that’s embossed with a hint of amusement, before she meets the eyes of the prettiest woman in the room. “And I hope you’ve found that someone, Nayeon, and that you fight for it, hold onto it, and never let go.”
The corner of Nayeon’s lips raise by a bit—almost a smile, but not quite.
Dressed in white, Nayeon’s hair cascades down her shoulders—they’re slightly wavy, dyed in a sun kissed brown colour that complements her fair skin. She, after all these years, still parts her hair the same way.
Beautiful. She’s achingly beautiful.
Jeongyeon thought she’s doing alright up until now. With Nayeon’s eyes on her, it’s starting to feel like she’s trapped, unable to move—even breathing is starting to feel like a chore.
But those eyes, those piercing eyes that hold many secrets, words unsaid, and stories untold, they make Jeongyeon want to stay.
“Your stubbornness has effectuated great bliss to my ordinary life. You’ve painted it with colour and sprinkled some glitter here and there, and I’m more than happy that you did so,” Jeongyeon says, voice edged with tension as she locks eyes with Nayeon. “You proposing some… lame deal years ago is just about the right proof I need—a deal about dating each other if ever you and I still found ourselves single by the time we’re in our 30s… It had become a running joke between the both of us, and boy am I glad we didn’t have to—because… here you are… at 34, marrying someone who loves you and that you love back.” She clenches her jaw, inhaling a long breath as her lids grow heavy with the tears that’s been kept at bay for as long as she can remember.
Nayeon’s brows turn soft, they arch in a way that’s angled upward. Her lips grow thin and firm.
There is somewhat a shared understanding in this magnet of a contact they’re locked in.
“With all my heart, I wish you all the happiness this world can offer... Today, you are surrounded with people who care for you and who love you… like I do… wishing the same thing too,” she says, quite helplessly.
Every now and then whenever Jeongyeon looks at Nayeon, and Nayeon looks at her the same way, she perceives something. In Nayeon eyes, she sees hope—a smidge of something more. A look that holds billions of questions and answers. They share this look that perhaps no one’s able to understand but them. Stealing glances, throwing smiles from across the room but never done when someone’s watching, as though it’s built to be hidden—to be lost in their own little world.
And Nayeon wears that same look in her eyes, albeit less secretive, more open to the judgment of many.
“You’ll always have me, Nayeon, I promise,” Jeongyeon continues, “and if ever you need anything, anything at all, I won’t be too far.”
A faint smile etches on Nayeon’s face as the place ceases its stirrings.
Little does Nayeon know that behind Jeongyeon’s words, stares, and smiles, her heart bleeds and shatters for a hundredth time, and it shatters in the most ear-splitting silence there is.
Jeongyeon forces a smile once more. “Now, I’d like to ask all of you to stand and raise your glasses to the happy couple, Nayeon and Mina!” Clinks of glasses resound the place as her lips touch the rim of her grappa glass, gulping the liquid to its last drop in hopes of numbing the agony the rests comfortably in her chest.
~
October 2033
- • “One strawberry and one chocolate, please,” Nayeon says to the ice cream vendor keeping a small smile on her face whilst counting the coins from her purse.
The children’s laughter fills her ears. They roam around the place, running and playing with their siblings and parents—a sight that only brings joy to Nayeon’s day.
Today is no ordinary day. It’s one of those days where she forgets about everything that’s on her plate, whether it be work or some issues need resolving, and instead focuses on one thing only—spending time with the people she cherishes the most.
Her phone buzzes against her shorts.
[MESSAGES: Ballerina 🐧 – 2 Text Messages]
A smile finds Nayeon’s lips as soon as she reads the name.
Ballerina 🐧
[2:09 PM] Heyy 😁
[2:09 PM] Where are you??
Mina. What else is there to say about this woman? Nayeon reckons there aren’t enough adjectives to describe the way Mina has impacted her life.
Mina had been a good friend, a great partner, and have offered nothing but kindness to Nayeon, and she supposes she might have taken it for granted.
But Nayeon is trying to make things right, to do right by her, she really is, and that’s more than just doing nothing at all.
~
April 2028
5:55 PM. A week before the wedding.
Sitting on the couch with a laptop on her lap, Nayeon stretches her limbs, raising her arms up high as she releases a soft groan.
She removes her reading glasses and sets it neatly on the empty space beside her.
Stressful isn’t even the right word to synopsise how her week has been. It has so far consisted of paperwork, dress rehearsals, practicing her vows, packing, and shoving stuff in her luggage and so on. It has been a lot.
And it really is only starting to sink into her that she’s getting married.
It’s scary. She doesn’t even know if it’s okay to feel this way.
Every night, thoughts randomly cloud through her mind—just when she’s about to fall asleep, they begin to buzz, making her worry and doubt certain things. She cannot even remember the last time she has had a good night’s sleep.
She turns to her phone and stares at the dark screen, showcasing her reflection. There are indents right at the bridge of her nose, they’re red, assuming she has got it from her glasses. Her eyes look like hell as bags rest under her eyes.
A sigh.
And in the moment she least expects, a pair of arms wrap around her neck from behind, holding her securely, like an assurance that things are going to be alright.
“You okay?” Mina asks softly.
Am I?
Nayeon stares into the distance. “Yeah,” she says, not forgetting to give her fiancée’s arm a light squeeze. “Just tired.”
Mina hums in response.
It has been quiet between them—Nayeon doesn’t know when it has started, or who chose to tone it down but Nayeon doesn’t hate it—but she really isn’t quite sure if she prefers it this way.
“Listen, I forgot to tell you,” Nayeon starts, “I’m supposed to meet Jihyo in a few minutes just down the road for some coffee, is that okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be? Just text me what time you’re coming home.” Mina kisses the crown of her head before making her way to the kitchen.
And there goes the quiet again.
--
Nayeon has been sitting in the café for at least half an hour now.
Jihyo is right in front of her, sipping her second cup of coffee for the evening all the while listening to Nayeon’s concerns and fears.
It feels good to be able to finally speak openly about it. She has been keeping it all to herself for who knows how long now, scared that she might sound stupid or they might judge her too quickly.
“Let me get this straight. You don’t want to get married?”
“No, I do! I’m just, I… Have you not been listening?” Nayeon pinches the bridge of her nose.
Jihyo shoots her a wordless apology. “I am listening. I’m just lost, that’s all.”
“Chaeyoung said that it’s probably just cold-feet, pre-wedding jitters and all that, but… what do you think?”
What exactly does Nayeon want to hear from her friend anyway? And is it so different from what she needs to hear?
“Okay. Hold on, I need to process this,” Jihyo says, moving her coffee to the side. She drums her fingers on the table, her brows knitted close. “Right, so, elaborate on what you’re feeling.”
How am I supposed to condense it in a way that she will understand? Nayeon fidgets in her seat. “Mina… she’s always there for me. She’s amazing, she’s kind, she’s perfect, but with Jeongyeon, it’s different… It’s fun... It’s thrilling, it’s not perfect, and she is very flawed, but I think it’s what makes it feel real, you know?” She chews on her bottom lip. “I don’t know. I don’t even know why I’m saying this. I’m getting married—I shouldn’t be saying this.”
She surrenders her face to her palm that’s plodded on the table.
“Have you ever thought that you may be putting her on a pedestal?”
She looks up. “Who?”
“Mina. You’re saying she’s perfect, and I’m not sure if it’s because you love her and you see her that way despite her flaws, or you are too smitten to even recognise the flaws,” Jihyo says, sustaining a tone that’s laced with care and heed. “It’s not healthy, you know.”
Her stomach contracts, tormenting her as she digests her friend’s statements.
Jihyo grabs a hold of her hand. “Look, I don’t mean to scare you, but you asked for my opinion and as your best friend I feel like I should tell you what I truly think.”
“I know. I’m just… I’m scared,” she admits and feels as though she could cry. “What if it doesn’t turn out exactly how I pictured it to be?”
Jihyo’s eyes stare right into hers—they’re sympathetic. “Are you happy?”
“What?”
“Are you happy?”
She breaks the eye contact. “I think so.”
“Because… I’ve seen you with Jeongyeon… and with her, you shine,” Jihyo whispers, and it sends a whole ‘nother massive ball of confusion to her brain. “I know, I know. It’s cringe, I get it. But I didn’t say it for no reason. I’m aware that I was the one who told you to get over her, but seeing that you’re confused, I’m guessing it’s still not over?”
“I don’t know.” She feels a quick pulse at the back of her throat. “I don’t want to hurt anyone,” she says, but not without her voice breaking half-way.
“Hey, hey… Listen, I could be wrong too. Maybe Mina is the right one for you. Maybe you have just mistaken security with tedium—mixed the quiet with incompatibility.” Jihyo combs Nayeon’s fringe as she speaks in a gentle tone. “Sometimes, in life, you have to make decisions for yourself. And some of those decisions can be tough and will hurt people along the way. Maybe it’s because of the stupid choices we’ve previously made that have led us into making a more difficult choice. But at the end of the day, you will have to make a choice because how else are you going to move forward?”
Nayeon remains mum.
“Choose happiness. Always,” Jihyo adds, wiping Nayeon’s warm tears with her white handkerchief.
~
October 2033
And Nayeon hopes she made the right choice.
[2:10 PM] Hey!!
[2:10 PM] I’m buying ice cream atm. Everything okay?
Ballerina 🐧
[2:10 PM] Ohhh I see. Do you have time?
[2:10 PM] It’s about Rini
[2:10 PM] Yes. What about Rini?
Ballerina 🐧
[2:10 PM] OK. I know she’s meant to stay with me tomorrow, but I urgently
[2:10 PM] Have to fly to Japan tonight and I don’t know when I’ll be back. Something about family stuff. I’d love to bring her with me, but I figured it’s such short notice
[2:11 PM] Maybe we can rearrange things when I’m back?
[2:11 PM] Yes don’t worry :)
[2:11 PM] I hope everythings fine though. I’m here if you need anything.
Ballerina 🐧
[2:11 PM] Thank you 😊
[2:11 PM] I’m still getting used to this whole joint custody thing, bear with me
[2:11 PM] It’s okay. Me too :)
[2:11 PM] Safe travels! I’ll explain things to Rini later
Ballerina 🐧
[2:11 PM] I’ll call!!
“Here you go,” the vendor says, holding out two ice creams, strawberry and chocolate in each hand.
“Thank you.”
Nayeon walks leisurely back to where she has left a while ago with both ice creams in her hand.
The weather is exceptionally great today. Given that it’s autumn, it really is no surprise just how beautiful the leaves look on the trees around this big zoo. It reminds Nayeon of Sana’s ginger hair years ago.
A few more steps and she sees two familiar figures, conversing animatedly under the blue skies. She breaks into a smile. “What are you guys doing?”
She did take Jihyo’s advice. Maybe it took her a long while to make that choice, maybe she has wasted time, a lot of time, but ever since she did, she has never been happier.
So perhaps she’s now on the right track.
Pretty jaw, pretty nose, pretty eyes. The woman turns to her voice, and she too, smiles as they meet eyes. Jeongyeon. “See? I told you your mum was just buying you ice cream,” she says to Rini.
“Mum!” The little one runs to Nayeon and latches onto her leg.
“She’s been saying ‘mum’ to me these past few minutes—‘Where’s mum?’ but she won’t believe anything I say. She thinks you’ve left her.” Jeongyeon approaches her with light steps.
Nayeon merely giggles, handing Jeongyeon her chocolate ice cream. Carefully, she crouches down and offers her daughter the strawberry flavoured one. “Thank you,” Rini mumbles. “For you.” She gives Nayeon a flower, a fresh one, red in colour. A flower that she hasn’t seen in a long while. Chrysanthemum.
“What’s this?”
“Auntie Jeongyeon… bought it,” she says whilst licking the ice cream messily as it goes to places it doesn’t even belong—like the nose.
Nayeon rises from the ground and finds Jeongyeon’s eyes with a look that says, ‘It was you, wasn’t it?’ and immediately shrugs with a sly smile, feigning innocence.
Nayeon tilts her head.
Me?
Oh.
Right.
“You’re crazy,” Nayeon says, smiling. She shakes her head.
“This one’s for you too.” Jeongyeon extends her hand that encapsulates a tiny paper.
“Tell me it’s not a parking ticket.”
Jeongyeon rolls her eyes heavenwards. “Funny.”
Nayeon releases a hearty chuckle. She opens the crumpled yellow note.
She reads it—it’s roughly nine words short but it’s enough to make Nayeon’s heart skip a beat. It’s the type that she has been ignoring for years but somehow still nags. Her heart skips a beat, and she knows what it means, always have, and she hopes Jeongyeon heard it.
“Weirdo.” Nayeon closes the note and bites her bottom lip.
And she believes Jeongyeon did as she hears the heavens sigh in relief.
“We’ll talk about this later,” Nayeon says playfully as she keeps the note in her back pocket.
“Okay,” Jeongyeon sing-songs, holding Rini’s tiny right hand as they begin to walk. “You’re blushing by the way.”
“Shut up. I’m not.” Nayeon lowers her head as she follows suit.
Things with Jeongyeon aren’t easy. They aren’t perfect, not even close. But Nayeon isn’t looking for perfect—she just wants something real.
And with Jeongyeon, it feels real.
“Hey, have you thought about getting bangs? I feel like it suits you,” Nayeon says, grabbing onto Jeongyeon’s arm. They now walk in sync.
“You suit me.”
“That’s not even—Never mind.” Nayeon looks away as she suppresses a smile.
Nayeon made her choices. Some were dumb, some were bad, some were not so bad, but they were her choices and they’re the reason why she’s here today.
She’s still learning, every day, and perhaps learning with Jeongyeon by her side wouldn’t be so bad.
Roughly nine words short but it’s enough for them to finally make that leap. ••