Chapter Text

4

~ s h e l b y ~

The room is dark as a pit. It smells damp and acrid. It’s suffocating in there, not a single window, not a single glimpse of the outside world. The residual taste of copper still in her dry mouth, her throat like sandpaper after who knows how long without a sip of water. She’d stopped feeling the hunger. Just the thought of drinking olive oil and stale bread as a meal made the bile rise to her already irritated throat. Nothing would come out, anyway. It’s not a sin. It can’t be a sin, something so pure, so amazing as love can’t be a sin. This is not God’s message; this isn’t a show of his love. If it is, then he might not be real. Her mouth moved on autopilot, repeating the same instructed prayer over and over, asking the Lord to give her strength to be what he intended, and forgive her for the sins she’d committed. She’d stopped fighting it after the first week, if she stops praying out loud, it’d hurt more. She can’t change their minds. She can’t fight it anymore. It would be the end for her. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe God can take her. It would make it stop. It would take the pain away. She needs to be strong. It will stop. It’ll be better. But then what? Nothing but loneliness. Did she deserve this? For hurting others? Maybe. For whom she loved? No. She’d stopped feeling the pain of the uncooked rice grains buried on her knees, hour after hour. The sensation of the sticky blood there did nothing to her. Numb. Completely numb. Void of everything that made her human. Maybe this is hell, maybe she’s dead, and now it’s time to pay for her sins. It’s not a sin. This is a sin. What these people are doing to her is a sin. It’s not working. She’s still who she is. She loves who she loves. That’s the only thread she’s hanging on. The only image printed and clear in her mind. Toni. How can that be a sin? She keeps that image front and center, as a reminder of how alive she actually is. As a reminder of what it could be. It’s what’s giving her the strength to keep breathing, to play her part until this hell stops. Is this stopping? Or are they going to try to fix her until she can’t take it anymore? They call themselves Christians, acting on God’s will. If that’s what being a Christian is, then what’s real and what’s not? This isn’t God’s will. She feels his presence, sharing his strength with her, telling her she’s exactly as he created her, an image of himself, and that nothing is wrong with her. Maybe she’s hallucinating. Maybe she’s losing her mind. Maybe he’s not real. It’s not a sin, love is not a sin. Those words keep playing in a loop in her head, opposing the worlds that leave her mouth and are spoken out loud. If she stops, it gets worse. If she stops complying, she’ll never leave this place. She hears the steps approaching down the hall. Her hands don’t tremble anymore. Her heart doesn’t drop to her empty stomach anymore. She doesn’t fear them anymore. She’s not angry anymore. Numb. Void of life. That’s who she’s now. It’s not going to work. The steps stop outside her door. She doesn’t react. She stays where she is. The lock turns, it’s the worst sound in the world. Her jaw clenches, mirroring her fists. She pushes the words out, anyway. She can’t stop. It would be worse. They step inside and round her. They grip her face, making her mouth open against her will. The olive oil is traveling her mouth and throat before she can fight it. It makes her gag, but she keeps it down. At least it’s soothing her burning throat. “You’ve forsaken the Lord for Satan. You’ve fallen for the devil’s oldest trick.” They lift her body from the rice, some grains stay inside her bruised knees. She can’t stretch them with how hurt they are. She knows what comes next. Pain. They set her down on a tray filled with salt. It burns like hell. It travels through her aching body. She bites her lip, cutting through the skin, and the copper taste inside her mouth intensifies. Her eyes hurt, from the darkness, she doesn’t cry anymore. “Clean your soul from your sins, repent and the Lord will save you, he’ll cure your abomination.” It’s always the same. The belt comes off. The worst part is coming, even if they don’t put as much strength behind it. It’ll only last a few minutes. She can take it. “Let’s remind you how much pain that lifestyle can cause you.” She closes her eyes and breathes deeply. That same image in her mind intensifying, becoming clearer, giving her strength. This isn’t God’s love. Not her God. ‘No, my God loves me. My God feels what I do, and it’s suffering with me. These people are going to hell, not me.’ Now her hands trembled in anticipation. Now her throat’s constricted, blocking the airflow, as if an invisible hand with inhuman strength had a death grip on it, choking the life out of her…

Shelby bolted up from bed, gasping for air. One hand instinctively circled her throat, the other one hitting her chest as if that would make the air flow again. She scrambled trembling to the floor, intending to reach the window that led to the terrace and stepping outside for air, but fell a few steps away from it. Hugging her knees to her chest, she rocked her heavy body back and forth. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop! It’s not a sin! Her heart pounded madly echoing in her head. The air still a distant memory, a precious thing that eluded her. The numbness, the tingling feeling traveled through her body, freezing her blood. It was only a bad dream. You’re not in that place anymore! They can’t hurt you anymore! It was a bad dream. You’re stronger than this. The sensation, what it was, what was happening to her was familiar, but it hadn’t happened in a while. Why now? Why now, when I’m here?

She couldn’t snap from it. She tried focusing on anything other than what her body was going through. She tried to remind herself that even if it didn’t feel like it, she was in fact breathing. But it felt like she was choking, gasping for air, and it only made the need for it bigger. It only made her heart beat faster. How long it’d be until her heart gave out and stopped working?

Shelby? The faint drowning sound of a familiar voice reached her ears, echoing in her head. It was all her imagination; it wasn’t real. Make it stop! Her entire body stiffened when something warm and strong, yet soft grasped her numbed arms. Shelby, it’s ok, you’re ok, you’re safe now. The voice said, coming clearer now. It was Toni’s voice. Even in her mind, she was her safe place. Her anchor to reality. The warm sensation left her arms, now setting behind her back, and circling her body until it reached her hands. Her body stiffened even more. She wasn’t rocking her body anymore; something else was. Her eyes opened, the air fighting against the tight clench of her throat, lifting weakly the heavy rock sitting on her chest. It burned. Her lungs burned in need of oxygen. Needles pierced through her chest. Make it stop. I can’t breathe. She couldn’t see anything, just the sensation of the warm embrace.

“Hey! Hey, you’re ok. You’re safe. Nothing can hurt you. I got you, Shelby. I need you to focus on my voice. Please, come back to me.”

Her lips trembled. A string of air reached inside her, making the blur dissipate a little. It wasn’t in her head. Toni was here. Toni was sitting behind her, holding her. The fog was slowly leaving her brain, but her heart continued its pounding pace.

She swallowed, but it did nothing to soothe the dryness of her throat. “Toni? I can’t brea-” Her voice came out shaky and weak.

“Yes, you can, Shelby. I’m here, I got you. I need you to listen to my voice, focus on it, and nothing more. Please.”

You’re not alone, you’re not there anymore. Breathe. She took a deep breath, but it got caught in her throat and she released it fast.

“Focus on your breathing. I’m gonna squeeze your hand, I want you to breathe in while I’m squeezing and hold it until I switch hands, and then release it as slowly as you can. I’ll do it with you. I’m here with you. Nothing bad is gonna happen, I promise.” Toni’s words were soft and calm but rushed out of her mouth.

Shelby inhaled deeply when that warm hand tightened and held it in, her heart slowing. When Toni squeezed her other hand, she released the shaky air as slowly as she could. She swallowed again. The air reached her lungs. Still, she had to fight against the urge to gasp for more and waited instead until Toni switched hands again. You’re not there anymore. Memories from that place still danced in her mind, but less intense now.

“That’s it. Keep going. You’re ok. I got you.” Toni kept repeating those words while they worked together.

Toni kept asking her weird questions while guiding her breathing. “Name five things that are green.” “Tell me of a place you always wanted to visit.” It was distracting, she found herself searching for the answers. Whatever she was doing, it was working. Slowly, she felt every inch of her body again, every point of contact with Toni’s warming body. She could see the comforting hands that were guiding her breathing and her room lit by the moonlight. The cool breeze caressed her body, carrying the smell of the ocean with it. Toni must’ve opened the window at some point.

They stayed like that on the floor, swaying softly until her heartbeat slowed. Until the air flowed naturally and free. Until the grip of that invisible force around her throat relented. Now, only resting there waiting for the sadness to come out.

When the dam broke, she started sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Toni moved her body to nurse Shelby’s head against her chest, one hand flying to her hair and the other rounding her waist tightly, her heart beating fast and strong under Shelby’s ear. “Hey, no. Stop. You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s ok. You’re ok. I got you. Please, don’t be sorry. It’s ok.”

Shelby shut her eyes, her hands balling into fists. How can she be so nice? How can Toni put everything behind to comfort her? I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve her kindness after the way I hurt her. I hurt everyone around me. I don’t deserve this! Why is it so hard? I’m free now, shouldn’t I feel better than this? Why do I feel so lost? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I have to choose between being who I am and having a family? Between who I am and my religion?

She couldn’t leave the softness of Toni’s chest, as selfish as she felt for it. It was a position she was familiar with. Toni’s now steady and calming heartbeat, comforting her, acting like a beacon for her own heart to follow its pace. Her knuckles were white with the strength she gripped Toni’s shirt, her other hand pinched the skin where her cross used to be. 

Toni kept running her hand through Shelby’s hair. Her cheek rested against Shelby’s head, whispering “It’s ok. I got you” over and over.

When the sobbing subsided, turning to a few quiet and weak sniffles, Toni squeezed her waist once and leaned forward, bringing Shelby to a sitting position. “Hey, let’s get you outside. Why don’t you wait there, and I’ll go get you something warm to drink?” She got up on her feet and offered a hand to Shelby who immediately missed the warmth and protection Toni offered.

Shelby shut her eyes again. The fluttering feeling in her stomach battled the guilt she also felt. She took the hand with one of her trembling ones and got up. The room swirled around her for a second and Toni’s arms flew to hers, stabilizing her. After a moment, Toni made her move to the door.

Her pulse spiked again. “Wait!” It came out louder than she intended.

Toni turned to look at her with wide eyes, worry written all over her face.

Shelby bowed her head and squeezed her arm under the sleeve of her t-shirt, embarrassed of what she was about to ask. “Would you stay with me out there for a little while?”

Toni’s brows pushed together. In her ever-expressive brown eyes, there was so much concern and such intensity, Shelby had to look away. “I know is a lot to ask after what you just did for me. After… everything. I just… I don’t want to be alone right now.” She said in a whisper.

Toni’s slightly parted lips lifted at the corners creating a shy smile, her dark eyes never leaving Shelby’s face. “I’ll stay for as long as you want, Shelby. You don’t have to ask.”

They stood there just staring at each other for what it felt like forever, Shelby’s heart pounded for a different reason now.

After a moment Toni cleared her throat and pointed with her thumb to the door behind her. “It’ll only take a few minutes, and I’ll be back, ok?” She didn’t move an inch until Shelby snapped out of her trance and nodded, leaving the room silently after.

********

Shelby sat on one of the sun loungers on the terrace outside her bedroom with her knees hugged to her chest, still feeling that weird energy inside. It was always like that after a panic attack; it left her with stubborn anxiety nested in her body. Shaky hands, her chest aching and her heart beating faster than normal. The waves crashed against the sand on the beach below. The moonlight silver reflection on the rippling water, dimming as the darkest part of the night faded, slowly giving way to the early morning light. It’d only been a few minutes, but Toni still hadn’t come back.

Her mind worked in overdrive to make sense of what was happening to her. Why those images, buried deep down, appeared out of nowhere now? Why now, when she was finally in the place she wanted to be? And the panic attack? Was that a one-time thing, or just the beginning? A sense of dread filled her body. It was as if she’d had a veil over that time in her life that kept those memories away. The ghost feeling was still there, the panic and the pain remained. But even when she’d tried to piece together what had happened there, she couldn’t see it clearly. Just a few foggy snippets. It was enough to make her run away from those thoughts. That flashback had been way too vivid. It was also the first dream -if it even counted as one- she’d remember about after waking up in over two years. She’d spent three weeks in that place being pressured and tortured into believing that who she was, was an abomination. Not that she’d been a stranger to those thoughts before that, she’d grown up with those views and beliefs ingrained in her.

The time she’d spent on the island changed the lens through which she looked at the world. It’d gave her a new perspective and pushed her out of her comfort zone, and now there was no way back. She was who she was, even if that couldn’t coexist with other aspects of her life. Even if that placed a huge question mark on her religion.

She felt abandoned by it, cheated. Alienated by a community, she’d been a part of all her life and without that safe place and hope she’d always found in her faith. She couldn’t make sense of it, it created too much chaos inside. She hadn’t prayed willingly since the first few days in that place. Not because she’d stopped believing in God, her faith was still there, but she couldn’t shake the feeling of that faith being misplaced. It was as if she had to choose between her faith -that also encompassed her family- or who she was. And who she was, was non-negotiable. Not after experiencing the happiness and freedom it brought. That sense of finally being whole, as if everything had clicked in place for the first time in her life. It took her a while to get there, but now there was no turning back. She’d lived inside that bubble away from everything for six months, discovering herself and falling for an amazing, passionate -way too opinionated- and complex girl that’d taught her so much about unconditional love and acceptance. Sometimes she’d envied Toni for how comfortable and confident she was in her own skin, how easily she could speak her mind.

That was another thing that weighed down on her now. She hadn’t had the chance to talk to Toni yet. It’d been a week since she arrived in LA. She’d spent most of it with the other two, or alone. Toni was clearly avoiding her, always working and coming home extremely late -which Shelby only noticed because Toni’s room was on the other side of the terrace- or even staying the night somewhere else. She’d heard the girls whispering about an Eva, whom she assumed was Toni’s girlfriend, but she didn’t dare to ask. Ignorance is bliss on that subject. It was hard to wrap her head around the fact that the same person who rushed out of the room when Shelby was around, had found her in the middle of a full-blown panic attack and stayed there on the floor with her, helping her through it. Although not surprising. She’d experienced Toni’s secret, softer side on a multitude of occasions. It was one of the things she loved most about the brunette-

“Here.” Shelby jumped startled, placing a hand on her chest when Toni appeared out of nowhere, standing next to her with a steaming mug in each hand and a blanket under her arm. Jesus! Make some freaking noise! Apparently, it was one of those days she’d come back extremely late, still dressed with the same black ripped jeans, Fleetwood Mac white shirt, and the green bomber jacket she’d left that day carrying. Her wild curls fell freely towards her chest, a few strands floated in the soft breeze.

Noticing Shelby’s reaction, Toni smiled shyly. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

Shelby shook her head, breathing deeply to calm her rapid heart. “It’s ok. I’m a bit jumpy, I guess.”

“Here,” Toni passed her the mug, “It’s chamomile, it’s supposed to be relaxing and shit.” She shrugged. “It works for me when I can’t sleep.” After a moment, she leaned closer with a serious expression but playful eyes. “That’s a secret, by the way, if you tell anyone that I’m in fact a 90-year-old grandma, I’ll have to deck you.”

Shelby smiled. “Kinda knew that already.” She took the mug with shaky hands. “Thank you.” The tea rippled, threatening to spill, so she placed it on the wooden side table next to the lunger.

Toni bowed her head, rubbing the back of her neck with her free hand, suddenly looking very insecure. “I didn’t know if you were cold, but it gets chilly out here, so... here.” She grabbed the blanket from under her arm, careful not to spill her own drink, and handed it to Shelby.

That same annoying fluttering feeling mixed with guilt settled on her stomach. So sweet. Not trusting her voice to sound steady, she smiled again and draped the blanket over her legs and brushed her palms over the soft fabric.

Toni stood there for a second, her gaze set on the empty end of the lunger Shelby was on. She shook her head and turned towards the one on the other side of the table. Plopping down on it, she bent one knee up and placed her own steaming mug on top of it. After a moment she spoke, her voice soft. “Feeling better?”

Shelby swallowed the lump in her throat. “Not really.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Shelby shook her head. “Just a bad dream, that’s all.”

Toni gave her a knowing smile biting her lip and looked away nodding. Of course, Toni would see through it, she knew Shelby better than anyone.

Her chest tightened. She wanted to be honest and open up. Toni had always made her feel comfortable and safe to do so, and she missed those moments with her. She missed her so freaking much. Not that she feared Toni’s reaction, she understood that the anger was directed mostly at her father, not at her that first night. Toni’s anger issues had simmered a long time ago, it was a defense mechanism she used when she felt threatened. Shelby had learned most times that threat came from within, for how intensely Toni felt every single emotion and how much that scared her. And that girl felt so fucking much and so deep, it was beautiful.

What kept Shelby from talking about it was the fear of revisiting that time and triggering a new panic attack. Also, the embarrassment she felt for putting herself in that situation. For forgetting how much she’d grown into herself on the island, how strong she’d become. It was as if in some way, she’d let Toni down and what their relationship had meant for her.

The prolonged silence made her anxiety worst. Now that she finally had Toni there, she didn’t know how to approach the hard conversation she’d rehearsed so many times in her head. A conversation that was three years overdue. Maybe it’d be smart to keep things light for now. “How did you…”

“Find you?” Toni quirked up an eyebrow and rubbed her palm on her jean-clad thigh. “I came home, passed your room on my way to mine, and heard you crying and...” she glanced at Shelby, swallowed, and looked skyward. “Yeah, I just reacted, I didn’t think.”

Didn ’t think as in ‘I put my guard down for a second but my walls are still firmly in place’ got it.

“I know you’re not supposed to touch someone when that shit happens, but I kept calling you and you just... it didn’t reach you so, yeah. Sorry if that made it worst.”

“No, it helped. You were amazing.” Shelby smiled, hoping it’d reflect how grateful she was for Toni’s actions.

Toni nodded once and looked away. She leaned further back against the upright backrest, taking a sip of whatever was in her mug, apparently now lost in thought. The shifting sky light hit perfectly her skin making her glow. It highlighted her high cheekbones, the delicate shape of her nose, those pursed lips, and that beautiful mole next to them that always made Shelby weak. She loved waking up a grumpy Toni by peppering that spot with soft kisses.

Shelby closed her eyes as warmth flooded her body at the memories, immediately followed by regret. I need to talk to her. She sat up, gathering the courage to start the conversation. Shifting her legs to the floor, she faced Toni but kept her mouth shut when she noticed Toni’s somber expression.  

“I’m no stranger to those fuckers, you know? Used to have ’em all the time growing up. At first always late at night, when I was alone. My mom working late or out on a bender.” She clenched her jaw, her gaze lost somewhere over the horizon. “Sometimes they weren’t that bad and I could control it. Others were so intense and long I couldn’t sleep at all afterwords afraid that it’d happened again. I hated it.”

It was so rare to hear Toni talk about the darkest parts of her childhood willingly; it surprised Shelby how vulnerable Toni was being now. Everything she’d learned about Toni’s past was through carefully asked questions, to which the other girl always gave vague or short answers before completely closing herself off. There was too much anger and pain associated with her childhood. Now her heart ached, imagining a young version of the strong girl next to her, all alone and scared to death. “I didn’t know that about you.”

“Yeah, you know I don’t like talking about that shit, but I’ve been working on it. That whole talking helps you heal crap?”

“Did you tell anyone that you were having them?”

Toni shook her head, her eyes still locked on that invisible spot. “Nah, I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t have a name for it. All I knew was that it sucked big time. Bernice, Marty’s mom, found me one night. It was right after everything went to hell with my mom. I was crushing there for a few days and one night it happened. She came into the room and help me through it, guiding my breathing and asking me about basketball and other bullshit questions.” She chuckled. “I remember being like, what the fuck, woman? Read the fucking room.” She laughed and Shelby smiled at the sound. It was kinda the same reaction she’d had. “But it worked. And of course, Marty didn’t even flinch. She slept like a fucking log next to me the entire time, the asshole.”

Shelby smiled again and took a sip of her tea, her body relaxing as the chat progressed. “I’m guessing that’s where you learned that swish trick?”

“Yeah, it always worked for me after that. Even when I was alone, I just had to play both parts, ask the stupid questions and come up with the answers.”

“It helped me as well. So… thank you.” Shelby swallowed and met Toni’s eyes. “For that, and for being here now. I know this must be the last thing you’d want to be doing right now-”

“Look, Shelby. I’m not gonna push you to talk about shit if you don’t want to. I just... I see you. All of you. I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I’m not gonna even pretend to know what that looks like for you. But, it’s ok if you are not ok, you know? You don’t have to pretend and act like everything is sunshine and rainbows. At least not with us. Not with me.”

Toni’s words made that invisible force grasp her throat again. Her body tensed, trying to hold tight to that rope restraining her emotions, keeping her in control.

Eventually, the rope slipped from her hands. “I’m just so fucking tired.” Her voice cracked, her vision blurring with fresh tears. God, I’m so, so tired. Why is it so damn hard? She shut her eyes, causing silent tears to fall. One hand pressed against her chest rubbing small circles with the heel of her palm trying to ease up the heaviness there. The other clutched the wrinkled fabric of her sweats with a death grip, crushing it, as if in that handful of material lived every thread of her past life, of that perfect persona that repressed and restrained so many pieces of herself just to avoid losing her family, only losing herself in the process. So fucking unfair!

The lounger’s cushion dip next to her. She opened her eyes hesitantly, afraid it’d be just her imagination. Toni had moved to sit there. Her eyes always a dead giveaway. There was so much concern there, but also a turmoil of conflicting emotions that held back the other girl.

She looked down to Shelby’s fisted hand with a deep frown and rubbed her palm over her jeans a few times before fidgeting with a loose thread there. “Talk to me.” She said softly.

Shelby released the breath she’d been holding. It was so strange to have someone there to listen after years of silence and pretend happiness. She had to remind herself she didn’t need to play that role anymore, she could be honest about how she felt. “I’m just tired of fighting, that’s all. I feel like I’m in a constant battle with three different parts of me, and no matter what I do, what I chose, I’ll end up losing something. It’s so frustrating, so unfair.” She bit down on her trembling lip and shook her head. “I’ve been stuck in this same fucking spot for the past four years, completely lost, just standing there, frozen in place, watching my life rush past me. I’m sick of it.”

Toni’s stare burned into her, hanging on to every single word, searching her, asking Shelby to meet her gaze so she could read her better. Shelby kept her eyes locked on Toni’s hand that now gripped firmly her own leg.

“I guess I got to thinking that once I’d moved here, it’d be better. I’ve dreamed for so long to be here, thinking that’d be enough to live my own life and be happy, and now I’m here, and I just feel so damn sad all the time. So fucking alone.”

Toni’s hand twitched in her direction, curling her fingers once, before hesitantly covering Shelby’s still balled one. “You’re not alone. We’re here for you. I’m here-”

Shelby huffed. “You can barely stand to be around me for like five minutes, before rushing out of the room.”

Toni dropped her hand. “Shelby-”

“I don’t blame you, Toni. I understand. I know I messed up. I know I’ve hurt you and I’m so sorry, I hate myself for that-”

“Shelby, it’s cool. Don’t go there, it’s in the past, ok? It doesn’t matter now.” She said, looking down and putting more space between them.

Shelby studied Toni’s profile. She could see the pain in her expression and the walls coming back up. Shelby couldn’t leave it like that, it was time to put the pieces back together.

Her heartbeat quickened in anticipation. “It matters to me. And it definitely matters if you hate me ’cause of it.”

Toni’s head turned towards her. Her mouth ajar and her brows pulled together. “I don’t hate you, Shelby.” She said, her voice laced with emotions, sounding huskier. “Fuck, I could never.” The glassy look in those brown eyes made Shelby swallow hard. Her eyes welled up. “I wished I did. It would’ve hurt a lot less. It would’ve made things easier.”

“Toni, I’m so sorry! Hurting you was the last thing I wanted, I need you to understand why I did it, I never had the chance to explain-”

“No, Shelby... You fucking chose not to. I asked you over and over why, and you just hung up on me and blocked my number.” She scoffed. “You could’ve dumped me over text with how little you had to say.”

Those worlds made a mess of her insides, like a harsh punch to her stomach, sucking the air out of her. She bowed her head, her chin trembling as new salty tears fell. “I just wanted to hear your voice one last time. If I gave you the chance to fight it, you would’ve said two words and I would’ve never been able to let you go, Toni. I loved you so fucking much-”

“You didn’t love me. That wasn’t real love. It was infatuation. I was in the right place at the right time and I get it, it was a relationship that would only ever exist on that bubble for you, away from your life...”

Shelby stopped listening, the pounding in her ears drowning the rest. Is she fucking kidding me? She hated when Toni got defensive and dismissive. This time she took it too far. “Would you fucking stop?” Shelby said sharply, her nostrils flaring. “Don’t do that! You know as well as I do just how special what we had was. Don’t fucking downplay it like it meant nothing and don’t you fucking dare to tell me ever again how I felt or how real it was.”

Toni stared at her with wide eyes full of unshed tears, her lips pressed in a tight line.

“You meant the world to me, Toni. And if you honestly feel in your heart that I didn’t love you enough, then that’s another thing I need to apologize for, ’cause apparently, I did a poor job showing you just how much I fucking did.”

Toni swatted a few angry tears from her cheeks. “I... I just don’t get it! I wracked my head trying to find where it all went wrong, but I just can’t see it. How did we go from you moving here to that fucking phone call? What am I not seeing, Shelby? Was it something I did? Wasn’t I enough for you? Was it so fucking easy for you to just push me away like that?”

“It wasn’t easy! It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. If you just listen to what I’m saying instead of getting defensive about it, you would’ve realized that by now.” Shelby said in a rush. She drew a deep breath to calm her pounding heart and grabbed Toni’s hand, holding it between hers, not caring one bit if the other girl recoiled from the touch but glad to see that wasn’t the case.

She searched for Toni’s eyes that observed their joined hands, waiting for those brown eyes to meet green ones before continuing. There was so much self-doubt and pain in Toni’s expression, she fought against the urge to touch those wet cheeks and erase the silent tears that kept spilling. “Listen to me... it wasn’t anything you did, and you were more than enough, Toni. I wasn’t enough... You deserved so much more than what I could’ve ever offered you. It wouldn’t have been fair to drag you into my mess. I was holding on to an ideal. Waiting for something I knew deep down would never come. I kept living in this fantasy world where I didn’t have to choose between losing my family and being me... or loving you, hoping one day that fantasy became a reality.”

Toni clenched her jaw and closed her eyes, breathing deeply. When she opened them again Shelby saw something softer in there, as if her words were finally reaching the tiny brunette. “Toni, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do that to you. I was being selfish. God, I felt like an asshole every day after talking with you, planing a future I knew I didn’t have the guts to go after. I couldn’t keep lying to myself about it and leading you on, it would’ve hurt us both so much more.” She squeezed Toni’s hand once. “I wanted you to be happy, and I couldn’t give you that. I just wanted you to be free.” 

After a moment of silence, Toni dropped her gaze to that point of contact and smiled sadly. She squeezed Shelby’s hand once before freeing her own, and murmured, “And I just wanted you.”

Shelby’s chest tightened at hearing those words and the softness in Toni’s voice. “You wouldn’t have had me. Not all of me, not like that. I was struggling, trying to hold it together until I just... I couldn’t anymore. It would’ve happened eventually, anyway.” She gulped and brushed away the crustiness the dry tears had left from her face, sitting a little taller. “At least I got to say goodbye to you, instead of just disappearing on you as I did to the others, It was only a few weeks after that call that my parents took my phone away. And then I went downhill from there, I tried to get it back, so I could talk to y’all at least to deal with all the news but, I guess they thought it was for the better.”

Toni huffed and shook her head. “Fuck, Shelby. I know it’s your family, and I’m sorry, but that’s so fucked up. Why didn’t you tell me you were struggling with everything? I could’ve helped you, dammit! Why did you stay there for so fucking long if you were miserable? I’m sure we could’ve-.”

“Toni,” Shelby grabbed one of Toni’s hands that were balled into fists, interrupting her before the frustration got worst, “I know you don’t want to hear about my family, I know you hate ‘em-”

“I don’t hate them. I hate what they did to you-” Toni stopped talking when Shelby held an open palm in the air. She didn’t need to hear what came next, she already knew how they all felt about her family. And they only knew half of the things she went through over the past four years. She couldn’t even imagine how would they react if they ever heard the rest of it.

Shelby sighed. “It’s my family, Toni. No matter what, it’s still my family, the only one I’ll ever have. I just didn’t want to lose ’em.” The heaviness living in her chest intensified as fresh tears threatened to escape.

“I’m sorry.” Toni grabbed Shelby’s hand and brought it to her lap, immediately brushing her thumb over every inch of skin she could reach. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

The move made Shelby’s breath caught in her throat. It was something she did to comfort and reassure her, whether Shelby was sad, nervous, or whatever, and it always worked. Shelby had discovered but never brought to Toni’s attention, that she also did it because it helped her whenever she was nervous or insecure.

Her lips pressed together in a sad smile. Lord, I wish we could go back to that time on the island. She kept her gaze on their joined hands. “It’s ok. I know what y’all think of ’em. I get it. I don’t agree with a lot of things they did. But I know the intention behind it was always to protect me, and as weak as this will make me sound, I don’t hold any of it against ’em. I love ’em despite everything. We were all so close. It wasn’t always like this.” She sniffled and close her eyes, replaying happy memories of her childhood. There were so many to choose from, but now those images just left a bitter taste in her mouth. “I grew up looking up to ’em, especially my father. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, always following him around and tagging along to wherever he’d go. And I was his entire world. We always had a special connection. God, I admired him so much, and seeing how loved and respected he was by people around town, only made that admiration grow. I wanted to be just like him.”

She glanced at Toni expecting to find all the signs of suppressed anger, a clenched jaw, hard eyes, but there were non. She had a pained look on her face, her features soft and eyebrows draw together as if she could feel what Shelby felt.

“I guess, I thought once I got back home, I could gather enough courage to have an honest, open conversation with ‘em, to make ‘em understand it isn’t a choice, that is just who I’m, and be confident enough to have that conversation without it feeling like a confessional. But I knew deep down, that’d never happen. It just goes against everything they know to be true.” She scoffed and shook her head. “Lord, what an irony, to make me gay and a pastor’s daughter. I just wish he’d see there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just love.” Why can’t he just see it? Why do I have to lose ’em? Toni squeezed her hand but remained silent. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Pete 4:8... I guess they have a different interpretation of that verse."

Toni laughed dryly and looked away. “The church hypocrisy at its finest.” She mumbled under her breath.

Shelby ignored that. It was something she was also struggling with. Why go into a religious debate with Toni of all people, who always made it clear what she thought about it. Honestly, Shelby had trouble finding arguments to defend Christianity and its interpretation of the bible.

“It took me a long time to understand that I was free from the way my parents brought me up to be. That I could have my own beliefs and world views, without dealing with the shame and guilt I’d felt before. But it took me even longer to realize that just because my beliefs had changed, it didn’t mean I could change theirs.” She sniffed and with her free hand brushed a few tears away. “It’s not just my father I’m losing, you know? It’s my entire family. My brother and sister, my mom, and my whole extended family. God, I may never see my grandma alive again. It’s not the same moving away when you know you’re welcomed back and you can talk to ’em whenever you want, and to leave home knowing it probably be the last time you’ll ever see or talk to ’em.”

Toni switched hands, using the one that’d been holding hers to rub soothing circles on Shelby’s back. “I’m sorry, Shelby. No one should have to go through that ’cause of who they are. I hate that shit still happens, it’s the twenty-first century for fuck’s sake.” She huffed and shook her head, surely biting her tongue to stop all the anti-religion arguments Shelby was already familiar with. She drew a long breath before continuing, her voice going back to that raspy softness Shelby loved. “Look, I can’t say I understand everything you just said. Family, it’s a bit of a foreign concept. To me, it’s not blood that defines it. But I get some of it. I forgave a lot of shit from my mother just to have her in my life until I couldn’t look past the bullshit anymore. I just hate to see you hurting ‘cause of it.”

“It’s fine. I know I’ll be ok. I can feel it, I’ll be ok.” She said, placing an open palm on her chest. “I seem to have a knack for making all the wrong decisions, but this one? I know is the right one. It took me a while to get here, but I’m done pretending. I want to live my life to the fullest and just be happy. Even if that means there’s a chance that I’ll never see my family again. It’s just sad, that’s all.”

Toni’s touch on her back and hand tightened once before disappearing completely. “I’m glad you’re here now. And I’m sorry for not being around much.” She looked down, her fingers playing with the ripped parts of her jeans. “ I’ll admit it hasn’t been easy for me, seeing you again, it just brought a lot of shit back. A lot of my own insecurities.”

Shelby knew about her story with Regan and the intermittent presence of Toni’s mother in her life. Toni told her she’d been in and out of the foster care system with her mother battling addiction in a loop of getting clean, getting Toni’s custody back only to fall back into her drug issues until she couldn’t fight it anymore and abandoned Toni completely. And although Toni had never vocalized it, Shelby knew every time that’d happened it only strengthen Toni’s belief of not being worth the trouble. She hated knowing she was part of the long list of people that had aggravated that wound.   

“I know, I understand that. And again I’m so, so sorry. I hate the way I treated you. You deserved at least an explanation-”

Toni chuckled. “Yeah, that would’ve been nice, it would’ve saved me from a lot of sleepless nights and headaches, trying to figure shit out.” Her voice laced with emotions Shelby recognized in the smaller girl.

Turning her body, she sat cross-legged on top of the lounger so she’d face Toni. Unable to help herself, she cupped her cheek softly turning Toni’s bowed face towards her. Toni’s jaw tensed for a second before she leaned into the touch, closing her eyes. She waited for Toni’s eyes to open, brushing her thumb on soft skin once, before dropping her hand. As she’d suspected Toni’s expression was filled with pained self-doubt, her eyes glassy again.

“Toni, it really wasn’t anything you did. It wasn’t ’cause you weren’t enough for me or ’cause I didn’t love you enough to choose you over my family. It was because I loved you so - fucking - much, that just the thought of hurting you even more killed me. And I know that would’ve happened one way or another.” She looked down, feeling her cheeks burn. “I wasn’t ready to be with you in the real world. Not in the way you deserve, without reservation and excuses, without feeling lost and scared just thinking about holding your hand in public.” Shelby brushed away a single tear from Toni’s cheek with the back of her fingers and smiled softly at her. “You deserve the world, Toni. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to show everyone how special you are and how proud she is of being with you. You are way too big to be kept a secret.”  

Toni blushed and slouched forward, clasping her hands between her parted legs. She looked so small, it made Shelby want to wrap her arms around her tiny frame and take the pain she’d caused away.

“It’s cool, Shelby. I understand. I’d never force you or anyone to be someone they’re not ready to be. I just wish you would’ve told me. I wish you would’ve given me the chance to be there for you, even if only as your friend.”

Shelby’s stomach flipped. She wet her lips, choosing carefully her next words, and braced herself for a possible rejection. “You think that maybe... we can leave everything behind and... and try to be friends? ’Cause I- I really missed my best friend.”

Shelby saw more than heard the little gasp Toni let out, before quickly looking down, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. When their eyes met again, Toni’s gave the unspoken answer away. “I can’t make any promises... but, I think I’d like that, yeah.” She said, with an honest smile that reached her eyes.

Shelby released the breath she didn’t know she was holding and smiled back. “Thank you. It means a lot.”

Toni nodded once and after a moment of hesitation, she spoke again. “I don’t want you to feel alone, Shelby, ’cause you’re not. We’re here for you. Please, let us help you with whatever we can.”

“I think I need to go back to therapy. I don’t wanna wait until what happened earlier, gets even worse. That was the first panic attack I had in a long time. I can’t go back to that. And I feel terrible taking y’all up on that offer to lend me money, but I’ll pay y’all back as soon as I can.”

“It’s just money, you don’t have to pay anything back. If you want, I can help you find a therapist. There are a lot of pretty cool ones here that work with LGBTQAI+ folks-”

Shelby chuckled, her eyes wide and the heat back in her face. “Lord, that’s a lot of letters, I guess I’ve got a lot of work to do in that department as well.”

“Well, you’re in the right place for it. LA it’s a very diverse, liberal city, you’ll see people from every walk of life here. Of course, you can always talk to me, or Fatin or Nora,” she laughed, “fuck even Marty can give you a lesson or two.”

Shelby gulped. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Over the past week, she’d talked to the rest of the girls on the phone -ironically she was using Toni’s old iPhone- after Dottie and Fatin suggested they’d give the others a heads up first, so she wouldn’t have to repeat herself over and over. She’d apologized and although they all understood and even checked up on her after that, she felt like an outsider within the group. They all had stayed in touch and became even closer over the last four years. They had a text group -Shelby, the newest member- they talked constantly; they visited each other and had a monthly sacred game night through a video call. That last one was just around the corner and just the thought of talking to all of them at the same time, and seeing their faces again made a mess of her insides.

Toni stretched like a cat beside her, yawning loudly and triggering Shelby’s yawn. She closed her eyes for a second and stretched her back, releasing all the tension there. All the anxiety and adrenaline had left her body, and now she felt calm but exhausted. She could probably sleep for three days straight, giving her mind the time and space to clean itself.

The sun was already rising behind them. She could see over the house the shades of pink and orange reflecting on the windows. At least Shelby had slept a few hours, but Toni had found her after a night out and she doubted that outing had involved any sleep at all. “God, Toni, I’m so sorry. You must be exhausted. You should go to bed.”

Toni was mid-yawn again, her eyes watering. She shook her face and rolled her shoulders back. “It’s ok. I can sleep late tomorrow,” she looked at the lighter sky and cringed, “or today actually. More importantly, how are you feeling now? You look better.”

Shelby smiled. “Yeah, I think that chamomile tea of yours finally kicked in.”

Toni chuckled. “You sure?”

“Yeah, thank you for tonight. For helping me, for staying, and for listening to what I had to say.” After a moment of silence, Shelby rolled her eyes playfully and added, “and for the magic tea, of course.”

Toni laughed again. “Told you, it works.” She stretched her back again and stood up, turning to face Shelby. “All right then, bedtime?”

“You go ahead, I’m gonna stay here for a few minutes.”

Toni’s brows furrowed. “You sure you’re ok? I mean, I can stay, I don’t mind.”

“I’m sure. I promise I’ll go to bed soon.” She looked to the beach below. The sky colors reflected on the water, the seagulls glided over it and the waves crushed peacefully, leaving a soft white foam to vanish in the sand. “It’s a beautiful view.” She murmured and smiled.

When she looked back at Toni, she was met with wistful eyes and a soft smile. “Yeah, it is.”

That made her stomach feel as if a tiny seagull was suddenly trapped there, flapping its wings restlessly, trying to get out. She swallowed hard and stood up. Finally, giving in to what she’d wanted since arriving in LA, she grabbed Toni’s jacket and pulled her in, wrapping her arms around her shoulders tightly and feeling the tiny brunette go stiff as a board against her, before relaxing into the embrace and circling shy arms around Shelby’s waist. God, she smells amazing, like freshly cut grass after a rainy day of spring. I missed this so much! Her eyes welled up again. She shut them to prevent the tears to fall. She had a lot of hard work ahead to earn Toni’s trust. She knew it’d be a tough task to accomplish, but she was more than ready to put in the hours to mend whatever she could of their relationship. She’d do anything to prove to the girl just how worthy of love she truly was.

She squeezed Toni’s shoulders and let her go. Step one, control your impulses for once in your life around her, respect her space and let her set the pace. Toni’s looked down. With a deep frown, she took a step back and glanced at Shelby, giving her a tight smile. “Night, Shelby.” Her voice coming out lower and huskier than usual. She turned and strode towards her room, sliding open the side window and disappearing behind the blackout curtains.

“Night, Toni.” Shelby murmured into the air-filled space the girl who still owned her heart had left.