Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

I say your name, just listen

Doesn't it sound different?

Never whispered it this way

It's gonna take me a minute

But I could get used to this

JJ collapses beside her after his forearms literally give out and he has to push himself over to keep from falling on her. Kiara giggles, turns her head to face him, he’s staring up at the ceiling with his eyes closed, breathing heavily, his hair is damp with sweat and some strands of his bangs are stuck to his forehead. She’s tempted to reach out and brush them off, restrains herself out of sheer force of habit before remembering there’s no reason she can’t.  He lets out a soft sigh as her fingers brush across his forehead, turns to the side to meet her eyes, a soft, embarrassed blush on his cheeks. 

Kiara smiles back at him reassuringly, lets her hand rest on the side of his face. 

“Tired?” She asks voice light and almost teasing. 

JJ closes his eyes, offers her a soft smile, and nods, making a small hum of agreement in the back of his throat. 

When he opens his eyes again, they’re light and teasing, his lips turned to a cocky grin.

“Still not big enough for you?” 

For a moment Kiara just blinks at him, trying to figure out what the hell he’s on about before remembering the comment she’d accidentally made on the plane, only two days ago. Fuck, it feels like it’s been ages. 

“Have you grown?”

“Shut up.”  

Kiara smirks and shuffles closer to him, props herself up a little with her hands on his chest, and presses a kiss to his forehead. Whispers, “I have to pee.”

JJ juts out his lower lip and whines, “no!” holding the out “o” and settles his hands on the tops of her hips like he means to hold her there. 

“And I’m sweaty,” she continues, “If I don’t wash my wash my face, I’ll break the fuck out.” 

He smiles and reaches up to cup her cheek. “I don’t care.” 

“That's very sweet, but I’m still getting up.” 

He pouts at her but doesn’t stop her from rolling off the bed and onto the floor. Her legs shake a little bit when she stands, more tired than she was expecting. JJ’s hands are on her waist immediately, steadying her. When she glances down he’s looking up at her with a cocky grin.  

“ Don’t say it,” she snaps. 

He replaces his grin with an innocent smile. “I didn’t say anything.” 

“I can hear you thinking it.” 

He considers that. “I– I mean yes, but I didn’t say it.” 

Kiara wrinkles her nose at him. Sees his black T-shirt still discarded on the floor from her taking it off earlier this morning, laughing quietly at herself for ever thinking she could have had sex with JJ and then forgotten. She can almost feel his eyes on her as she bends down to pick it up, smirks at him over her shoulder as she pulls it down her body. 

JJ raises his eyebrows, “Hey, I’m allowed to look now right?” 

Kiara scoffs out a laugh and doesn’t bother to respond, walks over to grab his discarded boxers from the floor, and throws them at him, well aware of his shirt riding up as she bends over again. He doesn’t look away, and she doesn’t tell him to. 

Alone in the bathroom, the reality of what just happened finally crashes down on her.  Her hair is an absolute mess, the lip gloss she was wearing is completely gone, and there’s a small hickey right on the center of her neck from where JJ had gotten too enthusiastic before she’d reminded they were trying not to leave any visible marks for her family to see. It should be easy enough to cover up in the morning. 

She had sex. Sex with JJ. Which might have been a stranger concept if it hadn’t already happened once before. This time was so much different though – first of all, no one was crying. Well, she’s pretty sure JJ got a little misty-eyed a few times but for completely different reasons (it was very cute). She can’t help but acknowledge that he somehow got better, which sixteen-year-old Kiara would never have believed. Everything was less rushed, although JJ would have taken his time the first go-round too if she let him. She did tonight, and God did he take advantage of it. She intends to get him back for that, hopefully soon. There was some emotional aspect that made it better, too. They were embracing something new instead of pushing down something bad, fueled by love instead of grief.

Love. 

Holy shit, she loves him. Not that she hasn’t always loved him, he’s been one of her best friends for years. She loves all the Pogues, but now she’s pretty sure she’s fucking in love with him. And she thinks he feels the same way. It sends a rush of giddy excitement coursing through her. A small squeal escapes her lips before she clamps a hand over her mouth, spins in a circle not even caring how childish it feels.  

***

JJ stares up at the ceiling, hands folded beneath his head, trying to wrap his head around what’s just happened. He pinches himself several times trying to make sure he’s not dreaming. Kiara Carrera wants to be with him. Not just have sex with him – he’s known she would be down with that for a while – but actually be with him. 

Shit. Does he still have to ask her to be his girlfriend? He’s pretty sure that's what she’s been implying she wants, but there’s a still tiny part of his brain that wonders if she just said all that shit to get him to shut up and fuck her. 

JJ hates that part of his brain. He knows it’s wrong, remembers the look of hurt on her face when she’s asked if he genuinely thought her that shallow. Kiara would never fucking do that. He’s an asshole to think that she would.  But the longer she spends in the bathroom, the easier it gets for his brain to convince him she’s realizing this was a mistake, coming to her senses, and realizing that she deserves so much fucking better. JJ bites down hard on his lip and curses his stupid, insecure, paranoid brain. 

Then Kiara opens the bathroom door and smiles brightly at him and it all fades away.

She looks so damn good with his T-shirt hanging off her shoulders, falling about to the tops of her thighs. He’s officially decided that the only thing that's as hot as Kiara not wearing any clothes is Kiara wearing his clothes. 

She runs over and pounces on him, her knees landing on the mattress right beside his torso, her hands on his chest. She laughs as JJ grunts and smiles back up at her. 

“Hi.” 

Kiara grins at him, shifts her legs so she’s straddling his torso, and leans down to kiss him, slow and gentle, one hand running through his hair. 

She pulls back and looks down at him, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She reaches out and places her thumb on the spot where he’d been biting his lip. She looks like she’s going to say something but he takes her hand in his and squeezes it, moves his other hand to her back to steady her as he flips them over. 

Kiara smiles up at him, something so soft and affectionate in her eyes it makes a small blush creep along his cheeks that he hopes she doesn’t see. He resists the temptation to turn away and hide his face in the pillows, instead, he lifts one hand to cup the side of her face and kisses her again, trying to convey feelings he doesn’t know how to put into words. 

When they pull away, breathing heavily, JJ leans closer to her, his forehead against hers. Kiara reaches up to stroke the side of his face and he’s pretty sure his heart is about to beat straight out of his chest. 

He presses a kiss to her forehead and pulls away as it all gets to be too much to him, lies on his back, closes his eyes, and focuses on taking slow steadying breaths. He rubs the skin on his wrist to remind himself of what’s real. 

This is real. This is happening. You deserve this. 

He’s not sure he believes the last part, but it helps to repeat in his head anyway. Maybe someday he will. 

“Hey,” Kiara’s voice pulls back down to earth, she turned on her side, looking over at him with concern in her big brown eyes, “are you okay?” 

JJ offers a small smile and nods his head. “I’m good, I’m really fucking good. This is all just… new for me.” He admits, then turns his head back down, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. He should have just left it at “good” ; he's not sure when he became such an oversharer. Kiara’s been having that effect on him lately like she’s slowly been chipping away at his walls for all these years, and he’s only now noticing that things have been slipping through the cracks out of his control. 

Kiara doesn’t let him shy away from it though, hooks a finger under his chin and tips his head up to face her. Her eyes are shining with warmth, not pity. 

“You’ll get used to it,” she whispers with a smile, and JJ’s heart just about melts in his chest. 

Iloveyou, Iloveyou, Iloveyou,  I love you! His brain and heart scream together, but his walls are strong enough to keep that in. He’s almost positive that they're a couple now, but they haven’t talked about it or anything. This is new and beautiful and feels as fragile as glass in his hands, he’s not going to drop a bomb like that on her on the first night. 

Kiara shifts her hand from his chin and winds it in his hair, pulling at the strands and winding them absentmindedly around her fingers. JJ leans into her touch and her fingernails gently scrape against his scalp, an involuntary hum escaping from the back of his throat. 

Kiara giggles and scoots closer to him. “You like that, baby?” She cooes, voice affectionate but teasing. 

JJ doesn’t have the brainpower to care. Teasing or not, her call him baby makes his insides feel all fuzzy and warm. He’s also pretty sure his brain is short-circuiting because he responds with a mumbled, “yes, please,” earning him another laugh from Kiara. 

He leans over and buries his face in her neck, partly to hide his embarrassment and partly just because he wants to be as close to her as possible. Her lips brush across his forehead as she continues to play with his hair and JJ responds by pressing a kiss of his own to her collarbone. 

He could easily have fallen asleep right there, but some sense of pride that Kiara would probably consider hyper-masculine prompts him to pull away. Her face falls for a moment when he rolls back over to his side of the bed but he lifts up his arm for her to crawl in beside him. 

Kiara beams back at him accepting the invitation and settling down half on top of him, her head on his chest, one leg hooked over his, her arms around his shoulders, one hand finding its way into his hair. JJ slips his hand underneath her shirt and starts to absentmindedly rub small patterns onto her back, her skin soft against the calluses on his fingers. This time it’s Kiara who releases a breathy hum, pulls herself closer to him, and nuzzles her head into his chest. 

JJ smiles and presses a kiss to her forehead, tries to keep himself from falling asleep. He wants to live in this moment forever, savor it and lock it safely in his stash of memories to focus on when it gets hard to control his breathing. And more than that, he’s afraid that somehow he’ll wake up in the morning and have dreamt the whole thing, or Kiara will change her mind or something will change and it will all slip through his fingers. Good things like this don’t really happen to him, he’s not sure how to trust it. He’s afraid too, afraid to let himself believe that he can have this, only for something to inevitably go wrong and remind him of his place in the universe. 

“Stop that,” Kiara mumbles sleepily, pulling him out of his spiral. 

He looks down at her, startled. 

“What?” 

“You went all tense, you're worrying about somethin’.” She picks her head up, chin resting on his chest, and reaches out to cup his cheek. “What's wrong?” 

JJ shakes his head, a small smile on his lips, amazed at how well she can read him, half asleep with nothing to go off of but his body against hers.

“Nothing, Kie,” he responds honestly, kissing her forehead again, “nothing’s wrong.” 

She hums in acceptance of his response then frowns. “Hey JJ?” 

“Yeah?”

Kie purses lips, pausing for a moment like she does when she’s unsure of how to tell him something. JJ bits his lip anxiously, but her voice is gentle and laced with guilt when she speaks again. “I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like you weren’t worth more than sex.” 

JJ’s not sure what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that. Sometimes Kiara’s so fucking nice to him it catches him completely off guard, especially now in this new context they’re operating under.

 It takes a moment for his brain to process and after a beat of silence he shakes his head, says, “that wasn’t your fault, Kie. Just the way my brain works.”
She sighs, places a hand on his head, and rubs the pad of her thumb against her forehead. “Some of it was in your head, yeah, but some of it was me. And I’m sorry.” 

JJ’s not accustomed to this type of intimacy in a relationship, to apologies and feather-light touches with no purpose other than to comfort him. It’s all new and unbelievably overwhelming as he tries to keep up with it all. He’s pretty sure he’s got whiplash from the sharp turn this night took. 

“I'm sorry too,” he responds eventually because he means it. Because he knows he was hurting her too. 

Kiara smiles shifts her hand to push his hair back and places a kiss on his forehead. Says, “g’night, Jay,” with a yawn, settling her head back down so that her cheek is laying against his chest. 

“Night, Kie,” he whispers back, and this time, when sleep comes for him, he doesn’t try to fight it. 

***

Kiara wakes up on her side of the bed, laying on her side, something warm on her middle. As she pulls farther into consciousness, she recognizes that it’s JJ’s hand. A wave of serotonin washes over her as memories of last night come back to her, followed by less serotonin-inducing memories that she shoves down for the time being. She rolls over to face JJ and squints as light filters into her eyes. The sun is streaming in through the window at just the right angle that the whole room looks like a hazy dream, JJ at the center of it, drenched in gold and practically glowing under the beams of light. Kiara lays there for a moment and just watches him, breathing softly, looking peaceful and innocent in his sleep, the light giving him an ethereal quality, like an angel or a young god or some sort of sunbeam personified. 

Then the light fades and he’s just JJ again. Her JJ.  Not a god or angel, just a boy who’s stood by her side for twelve years only asking, not even asking, hoping for some affection in return. She’d like to think she’s been able to give him that at least, in their years of friendship, even if friendship was all she’d had to offer.   

Kiara scoots closer to him, her forehead pressed against his bare chest. He’s warm, always so, so warm, it feels nice, comforting. His arm is still draped lazily across her middle, and she wishes he would wake up and wrap his arms around her, wishes she could fall back to sleep in his arms, but she can’t hide from her family forever. 

With a sigh, Kiara rolls away from him. She’ll want to shower before going out and facing the music. She almost gets up and leaves JJ sleeping, he looked so content that it seemed the kindest thing to do. On second thought, her mind flips back to the first night they’d slept together, she’d woken up at six and realized if she didn’t get home asap her parents would be furious, and JJ has always looked so peaceful in his sleep, it wasn’t like he wouldn’t be there when she snuck back to the chateau later on that day.

Only he wasn’t there when she got back. His dad had overdosed that night, facing either jail time or rehab when he woke up, and JJ ended up in foster care for a little over a month before the Heywards were able to get him out. It all happened so fast that she and Pope didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. Kiara didn’t think she could feel more awful about anything than she did about her Kook year, but this topped it tenfold. 

It will mean a lot to him that she’s here when he wakes up, at least for today while everything’s still new and fragile. Kiara rolls back over and lightly runs a hand through his hair. She’s not really one for morning kisses, always found it a little gross, but just for today, it seems appropriate. A small moan escapes JJ’s throat as Kiara gently pulls his upper lip between hers, kisses him on the nose as he slowly blinks awake. 

“Merry Christmas” she whispers with a smile. 

JJ blinks the sleep out of his eyes, mumbles. “Mm I dreaming?”

Kiara laughs, pinches him in the arm. 

“Ow,” he whines, giving her a pout. 

“Not dreaming,” she responds cheekily

He hums in agreement. “Fuck, it’s Christmas, isn’t it?” 

“It is.”

 He smiles brightly, says, “well, I’ve had worse presents,”  and leans in to kiss her again. Kiara laughs and rolls away from him, pushes herself off the bed and looks down at him, a small smirk on her face.  “Morning breath, not my vibe. I just didn’t want you to wake up and think–” she cuts herself off, throwing one of his biggest insecurities in his face right now would probably not be the nicest thing to do, “–I just thought you’d rather I wake you up than let you wake up by yourself. I have to take a shower and then go face my family.” 

A glint catches in his eyes and Kiara knows what he’s about to say before he says it.  “You know, I could take a shower too.”

“JJ.” 

“Though you might wanna, ya know, conserve water or something,” he says, crawling to the edge of the bed, laying down closer to where she’s standing. 

Kie just smiles at him and shakes her head, says, “maybe a rain check,” and turns to walk away. 

JJ reaches out and grabs her waist before she can get far, tugs her down into a sitting position with his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. He nuzzles his head into her stomach, looks back up at her with his best puppy dog's eyes. “Please?” 

God, she fucking wants to. 

“I actually have to shower JJ.” 

He just shrugs, looks up at his eyes all warm and earnest, and says, “okay.” 

Kiara honestly believes that he would be just as content if she went into the shower with him and washed his hair as he would be if she gave him a blow job. From the way, he’s looking up at her, all pouty and cute and willing to do whatever so long as he can be close to her, she has every intention of doing both. 

If I show you all my demons

And we dive into the deep end

Would we crash and burn like every time before?

I would tell you all my secrets

Wrap your arms around my weakness

If the only other option's letting go

I'll stay vulnerable, yeah

When they get out of the shower, JJ throws on the T-shirt she had been wearing and just a towel because the only pants he has in this room are dress pants. He sits down on the side of the bathtub, eyes on her as she pulls on a clean pair of panties under her towel and starts rubbing lotion on her legs. She smirks at him and puts a foot on his shoulder for leverage. 

It’s a little mean, but given that she’d been going down on him in the shower about five minutes ago, she doesn’t feel too bad. His hand starts to slide up her thigh and she swats it away. 

“Not now. We don’t have time, and I’m already all clean.” 

JJ pouts at her. “You tryna kill me, woman?” 

She takes pity on him and pulls her leg back down, cups his chin and kisses him on the forehead, says “I would never ,” then turns around and walks back to the sink, flashes him a smirk and, continues over her shoulder, “you can repay me later I promise.” 

He seems pleased by that answer and is content just to keep watching as she wriggles into her leggings. She slips out into her room and lets the towel fall as she picks up the BLONDE sweater he’d discarded onto her floor the night before and pulls it on.  

JJ’s leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom all but gaping at her, manages to say, “you’re not blonde.” 

Kiara smirks at him, walks over, and slips her hands under his shirt, his hands on her hips immediately and she goes to retort, but there’s a knock on the door followed by her mother's voice. 

“Kiara? Honey are you awake?”

“Shit,” Kiara mutters, “one-second mom!” She calls and then looks up at JJ apologetically, “I don’t want her to find out – like I mean I want her to find out, like I’m gonna tell her just... Not like this.” 

He doesn’t seem too bothered by it, juts his thumb backward. “Hide in the bathroom?” Kiara sighs in relief. “Could you?” 

“Oh, anything for you, my dear,” he responds dramatically, smirking as Kiara cringes. 

“Please stop.” 

“Love you too.”

Kiara’s heart flutters in her chest, and she reminds herself that that's just JJ being JJ. He would have said it before last night so it shouldn’t be weird. Except last night changed everything so of course, it’s weird. 

“Come in mom! Uh, sorry,” she says as her mom steps in, “I was just changing my clothes.” 

Anna glances from Kiara’s shirt to the bathroom, to the discarded dress clothes on the floor that she had completely forgotten to pick up. 

Shit. 

“Is JJ in the bathroom?” her mom asks bluntly, a small smirk on her face. 

“What? No. Why would–”

Anna rolls her eyes. “Kie, I wasn’t born yesterday, you’re wearing his shirt.”

“I wear JJ’s shirts all the time,” she responds casually, “John B, and Pope’s too. It’s like a Pogue thing.” 

Her mom raises her eyebrows. “Right. Do John B and Pope leave their clothes on your floor too?” 

Kiara shrugs. “I mean Pope’s pretty clean but John B leaves everything everywhere–”

“Kiara.” 

“Okay yeah, yeah JJ’s in the bathroom,” she relents, rubbing a hand over her face. 

“And this is a … new thing?” Her mom asks hesitantly. 

Kiara shifts uncomfortably. “Yeah, um, last night.” 

“Dammit!” Her mom exclaims, lifting her hand to her mouth. 

Kie wasn’t sure her mom would completely approve but she wasn’t expecting that strong of a reaction . “Excuse me?” She asks, thousands of arguments defending JJ swirling in her head, her chest pounding in anticipation.

But Anna just settles her hands on her hips and sighs, deadpans, “I owe your aunt a hundred bucks.” 

A disbelieving scoff escapes her lips. “You guys bet on us?” 

Her mom shrugs. “Charlotte did really, I just agreed to it. Here’s what I get for believing you when you say you don’t like a guy.”

Kiara opens her mouth to respond to that, but can’t come up with the words. She’s mostly just relieved her mom isn’t mad.

“What were you coming in for again?” she asks, taking the chance to change the subject. 

Her mom's face darkens. “I needed to tell you to get packed, our train leaves at eight.” 

Kiara frowns at her, confused. “Our train leaves at twelve.”

“We made it earlier,” Anna responds quickly, her voice is strained and Kiara thinks her eyes look a little misty. 

Oh. 

Kiara’s never understood it, but her grandmother’s approval has always meant a lot to her mom. Their relationship had been in a good place lately, better than it had been in a long time. The idea that she’d ruined it makes Kiara’s stomach twist with guilt. 

“Mom I’m so sorry–” she starts, but Anna cuts her off. 

“Oh, Kie, don’t,” she responds gently, “you have nothing to apologize for.”

Kiara just blinks at her, dumbfounded.  “I don’t?” 

Anna laughs, shakes her head, looks up to meet her daughter's eyes. 

“You stood up to my mother . You’ve got more guts than I ever had.” 

Kiara’s not sure how to respond to that, shifts on her feet and glances down before looking back up to search her mother's face. 

“I know that I was hard on you growing up, but I just want you to know that, you and your father? I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I don’t care what my mother thinks, I’m proud of you, Kie.” She offers a reassuring smile and squeezes Kiara’s hand. “I should go so you can, um, release JJ from the bathroom.” 

Kiara just stands there, floored and still trying to process her words. Anna is almost to her door when she finally wraps her head around it. 

“Mom!” she exclaims urgently, tears building behind her eyes. 

Anna just barely turns around before Kiara is crushing her in a hug. She’s a lot taller than her mother, has to lean down to rest her head on her shoulder. Anna is frozen for a moment, surprised, but then one hand wrapping around her back, the other stroking her hair, whispers, “I love you.” 

“Love you too mom,” Kiara mumbles back. 

*** 

JJ is sitting on the counter playing with her razer when Kiara walks in, twirling it around his fingers. He looks up when she walks in. 

“How’d it go?” 

Kiara scoffs at him, smirks. “Because you weren’t listening to that whole conversation.”

He gapes at her and pulls a hand over his heart. “Kiara, I would never invade your privacy like that!”

She cocks her head at him and smiles, walks up to the counter, and steps into his space. Laces her hands around his neck and pulls his head down to meet lips for no reason other than because she can. Because she’s happy, she’s so fucking happy and so fucking relieved and she gets to revel in that happiness by making out with the boy she’s been dreaming about kissing for months. He kisses her back with the same level of enthusiasm, reminding her that he’s been wanting this for even longer. Kiara’s not sure how he dealt with it. A couple of months and she nearly went insane.  

“What did I do to deserve that?” He asks breathily after they’ve pulled away, letting his hands fall to rest on her backside just because he can. 

Kie smiles up at him, bops her nose into his.  “Nothing. Just for being you.” 

It’s a half tease, but she means it and it’s enough to make JJ swallow and visibly resist the urge to turn away and hide his face as a blush creeps along his cheeks. 

He gets all flustered when she says anything partially nice or does anything overly affectionate. She’d never seen him blush this much before last night, didn’t even really think him capable of it, but it’s just about the cutest fucking thing she’s ever seen. It makes her want to throw all her dignity into the wind and say the nicest things she can possibly think of just to watch him get all touched and squirmy, unsure of how to respond. 

She lets him off easy this time and just leans into his chest, wrapping her arms around his back. JJ lifts his hands up from her ass so he can wrap his arms around her shoulders, steady and strong and safe. 

“What's wrong?” JJ asks like something needs to be wrong for her to just want a fucking hug. 

“Nothing,” she replies, nuzzling her head into his shirt, “you’re just warm.” 

“Oh. Okay.” He plants a kiss on the top of her head and Kiara lets out a contented sigh. She doesn’t have to see it to know that JJ’s smiling. 

***

They have an unceremonious exit from the apartment. Abigail gives her a hug goodbye and a fist bump to JJ, but she’s the only family member they actually say goodbye to. Aunt Charlotte leaves with them, and  Kiara gets the feeling whatever went down last night had caused a rift between more than just her mom and her grandmother. 

Kiara takes JJ’s hand as they leave, lacing their fingers together instead of just grabbing his palm like she normally would. His gaze flickers towards her for a moment, not long enough for her eyes to meet his, but then he’s squeezing her hand, a small satisfied smile tugging at his lips. 

It’s not like they haven’t walked down the street holding hands before, did it most of the other day just because JJ developed a habit of wandering off when her back was turned and scaring the shit out of her, but it feels different now. Everything feels different now, in a good way, a little scary and a little exciting. But somehow, it’s simultaneously as natural as breathing. 

JJ’s nervous though, not in a sweaty palm, hands quivering kind of way. Most people wouldn’t even notice a difference, but Kiara does. He’s hesitant, waiting for her to take the lead. She can see him eyeing her now and then, looking for her clues of how she wants him to act, even as they’re jamming out to Christmas carols in the backseat of their uber. 

If obvious cues are what he needs then that’s what she’ll give him, leans against his side while they wait in the train station. JJ gets the message and settles his arm across her shoulders, presses a subtle kiss to her hair. He’s scrolling through his phone so Kiara snatches it out of his hands, ignoring his cries of protest. She opens up his Snapchat and puts on a filter. The selfie comes out cute, Kie’s smiling, sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth, and JJ’s pouting at her.  She saves the photo and hands the phone back to him with a cheeky smile. JJ grumbles a little bit but she sees him smile as he puts the phone back in his pocket. 

Kiara notices her dad staring at them, having watched the whole exchange, and feels JJ start to move his arm from her shoulder. She reaches back and grabs his hand before he can, pulls his arm back into its place, and entwining their fingers, offers her dad an innocent shrug. JJ swallows hard and if she didn’t know any better, she’d think he took a bit of a step behind her. Mike gives him a final glare before turning around to talk to Anna. 

“Are you trying to get me killed?” JJ hisses. 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “He’s not going to kill you, drama queen. I was gonna have to tell him at some point.” 

“Of course you don’t see it, he’s your dad. But trust me Kie, that was the look of a man willing to kill.”  

“You’re so full of shit.” 

“I’m telling you! There was murder in those eyes, Kie. Murder. ” 

The train arrives before she can respond, JJ’s grip on her shoulder tightens as they walk into the car, she squeezes his hand for whatever comfort it’s worth. Rests her hand on his shoulders and plays with the hair on the back of his neck when they take their seats. She’s amazed at how well it works to get him to relax. 

Kiara leans across the seat and settles down with her back against JJ’s chest as she pulls out her phone to put a movie on. He tucks his chin on top of her head and pulls her closer. Kie lets herself enjoy the feeling of his arms around her, relaxing into his strength and enjoying being held close, protected even though she doesn’t need to be. 

Kiara’s always been good at taking care of people, being the shoulder her friends could cry on, the only one of the four of them who actually knew how to have an emotionally intelligent conversation. She enjoys it, being the person that people just naturally open to, the person they trust to not judge them. It makes her feel helpful, wanted, needed. She’s also good at taking care of herself – her parents worked a lot, she had a hard time making friends in school, independence was something she came to prize. It made it hard for her to be vulnerable herself, to let her guard down, and trust someone else to take care of her. She’s gotten better at it, with years of practice and therapy, but it’s still hard. For whatever reason, it just comes a little easier with JJ.  Maybe it’s because he’s known her for so long, or because she knows that vulnerability doesn’t come easy for him either. If anyone understands, if anyone isn’t going to look at her any differently for it, it’s him.

***

This time Kiara’s the one who falls asleep, her head leaning on his neck. JJ’s too anxious and excited to sleep, he’s still sort of expecting to wake up from the best dream of his fucking life. Although maybe not his best dream. In his best dream, they would have had sex again in the bathroom and collapsed back on the bed just to cuddle for a bit before getting up and making breakfast. No parents. No extended family. Certainly not getting on a train to go meet round two of the family. Although it’s Mike’s family so at least they’re not Kooks, but Mike seems to hate him more than Anna does, and as daunting as meeting Kiara’s family was, he wasn’t actually dating her. Now… he is? He’s like 95% positive that’s what's happening. He knows they’re doing more than just fucking, that he’s sure of. He’s not sure if she’s looking to put any labels on it, or who she does and doesn’t want to know about them. Whatever they are. Maybe she’s waiting for him to make the first move and properly ask her out. It seems like it should be obvious, but he has no clue what she wants from him. 

He feels dumb having to ask, like he’s back in school failing to comprehend what came so easily to all his friends. Kiara seems so sure of herself, of them. He wants to be too, he’s just not sure how . First of all, his prior relationships have given him… absolutely nothing to go off of. He might as well have never had one at all. Actually, he’d probably be better off if he’d never had one at all as opposed to trying to rewrite all the fucked up habits he’d developed from his last one. Then there’s the small, self-sabotaging voice in his brain that sounds oddly like his father telling him that this is too good to be true, that he’ll never be good enough for her, he’s a mechanic from a long line of drug addict degenerates and she’s a rebellious kook princess, going to college so she can be a scientist and save the world one turtle at a time. He can only drag her down, and she’ll figure it out eventually etcetera, etcetera. He really thought he’d had a handle on it. 

Apparently not. 

But Kiara’s asleep right now, all wrapped up in his arms and snoring softly. JJ’s not sure how he’s going to sit still for the rest of this trip, but he’d rather let his bones blow up in his body than disturb her right now. He has to ask for certainty, really just so he has concrete evidence to keep his mind from running away with him, reassurance, but he’s pretty sure he already knows the answer. 

***

Kiara’s Aunt picks them up from the train station and God, Kiara had missed her dad’s family. He only has one sister, her Aunt Bella, a lawyer in the City with enough money to buy a weekend house on Lake George. Dad likes to make fun of her for being both a Kook and a touron. 

Kiara had gotten on the train with her heart set on introducing JJ as her boyfriend, ran the scenario in her head, could absolutely see the beaming smile he’d try to hide. And then she fucking choked. Once she was actually standing there, feeling her dad's gaze bearing down on her and remembering that she hadn’t exactly told him that JJ’s her boyfriend now. Actually, she hasn’t told JJ that he’s her boyfriend now. She had kind of assumed it was pretty clear, but given recent events, she doesn't trust either of their communication skills and will probably have to flat out say it at some point. And while in front of her family had seemed like a good idea, maybe that should be a conversation just between the two of them. Also, her dad and her aunt talked on the phone all the time. The chances he told her about the whole fake dating plot she had with JJ for the holidays were high and then that would be a whole awkward conversation and so Kiara just ends up introducing him as JJ and nothing else. 

To Kiara’s relief, her aunt shook his hand and didn’t question it. She not so subtly searched JJ’s face as they walked to the car to see if she could if it had bothered him at all. He just frowned at her in confusion and asked what was up. She’d smacked a kiss to his cheek and hugged his middle for whatever reassurance it might provide. 

It starts snowing on the ride over, big heavy flakes that barely leave room for the sky, nothing compared to the few flurries they see at home. JJ stares out the window with his forehead pressed against the glass, she can’t see it from the angle his head is turned, but she can picture the look of wonder in his eyes. Her mom chuckles from the seat beside her and Kiara turns to frown at her. 

“What?” 

Anna shakes her head, a knowing smile on her lips. 

“Nothing, Kie.” 

The scenery at her aunt's house is breathtakingly beautiful. A big rustic cabin sitting right on the frozen lake, the Adirondack Mountains gleaming white with snow. Coming here has always been Kiara’s favorite part of Christmas. As much as she loves New York City, she loves nature more. The air is crisp and cold and fresh and there are stars at night, so many stars. 

JJ’s staring at the sky as they get out of the car, snowflakes landing in his hair and eyelashes. “It’s like little pieces of the sky are literally falling down,” he says, sticking his tongue out to try and catch some. 

Kiara looks up herself, the sky is so cloudy it’s almost white, when she looks back JJ’s the one staring at her, a soft, almost reverent look in his eyes. Kie’s never been one for PDA, especially in front of her family, but right now she’d really like to run over there and close the space between them. 

She doesn’t even have a chance to decide against it before a chorus of yelling comes from the door of the house and her younger cousins coming running out, her uncle on their tails. Aunt Bella and Uncle Liam have two kids, twelve-year-old Zack and seven-year-old Amelia, both of whom everyone says look like they might as well be her siblings. 

They nearly knock her over with their hug, but Kie just smiles, wraps her arms around the two siblings who are now clinging to her from different sides. Her uncle laughs and waves to her as he greets her parents. 

Amelia is the first to notice JJ where he’s standing awkwardly in the corner, hands in his pockets. Kiara smiles, motions for him to close. 

“Guys this is JJ, and JJ this is,” she puts a hand on Zack's head, “Zack,” does the same to Amelia, “and Amelia.” 

He smiles softly at them. “Nice to meet you.”

“Do you want to play Mario Kart with us?” Amelia asks excitedly. 

JJ’s face lights up and he flashes a cocky smile. “I dunno, do you think you can beat me?”

Amelia giggles. “Yes!” 

“Alright, then. I guess we’re on.” 

They end up crammed next to each other on the couch, arms bumping as they twist their controllers, the kids on either side of them. Kie has to elbow JJ in the side on several occasions to keep him from cussing. But they’re all laughing, whooping when they win, and fake crying when they lose. The kids adore him, have a whole argument over which one of them is cooler and JJ has made it his mission to prove that it’s him (Zach set up a running tally on his phone). All three of them pout when she says had to get up to use the bathroom. JJ wraps his arms around her when she goes to get up, pulls her back onto the couch on top of him, calls for Zack and Amelia to pounce on her, which they do, very enthusiastically. Kie’s laughing so hard she is very genuinely concerned she might pee her pants and JJ only releases her when she voices that fact. 

Her dad and Aunt Bella make a Christmas lunch of steak, fried eggs, quiche, homemade croissants (her childhood favorite), and mimosas (her adulthood favorite). Being with her dad’s family is like a breath of fresh air after a few days at mom’s. If JJ had been performing at her grandparents, he’s just being himself here, laughing and telling stories, making faces at Amelia from across the table. Kiara was worried at first that after hearing her dad complain about him during basically the entirety of her childhood, Aunt Bella would be immediately biased against JJ, but if she is she hasn’t shown it. For bringing her boyfriend (who has not yet been told he’s her boyfriend but she’s like 95% sure he knows) of approximately ten hours to Christmas Brunch, things could not have gone better. 

They open presents under the tree in the living room. She got JJ a red sweater, and a new pair of overalls because he’s an actual man child and relies on gifts from her, Sarah, Pope, and his other responsible friends to get him clothes for presents since he’s too lazy to go shopping himself. His jaw drops when he opens her third gift, a camo dog jacket that she’d picked from up Carhart along with his overalls. 

“It has pockets,” she points out, “you can put like your wrenches and stuff in it. I know you already call Toast your Shop dog, but now he’ll look official.” 

If JJ could beam any brighter, Kiara’s pretty sure he would catch on fire. 

She moves up to the couch to watch the kids open the remainder of their presents and JJ follows her a few moments later. Sits down tentatively, runs his tongue over his lips, and then bites down on the bottom. 

Kiara smiles at him, she doesn’t see it a lot, but he’s cute when he’s nervous. 

“Yes?”

He clears his throat, hands her a small box, and reaches up to scratch the back of his neck.  “I was, uh, kinda unprepared so I grabbed something at that shopping place, it’s ok if you hate it you don’t have to like keep it or anything…” 

Kiara tunes out his rambling as she opens the box, revealing a necklace in the shape of a small snow globe on a silver chain. She lifts it up to look closer and is pretty sure she hears JJ stop breathing. There are two little skater figurines inside, glittery snow falling down on them as she shakes it. It takes her back to the day they went ice skating, JJ spinning in little circles trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue. 

She leans over and gives him a short peck on the lips, smiles warmly. 

“I love it.” 

JJ breathes a literal sigh of relief and smiles sheepishly back at her. 

“Yeah?”

She smiles at him again. “Put it on me?”

He nods eagerly and she pulls her hair to the side and turns around for him. Last time he was actively trying to avoid touching her, this time he lets his hands rest briefly on the back of her neck when he’s done. Kiara puffs her chest out when she turns around to face him, JJ grins. 

“Stunning.” 

“Why thank you.” 

She softens her tone, places a soft kiss on his cheek. “Really though, you did good. Thank you.”

He flashes her a grin. “Cool. You’re down with some weed for next year right?” 

Kiara laughs. “Oh no, you have to actually get me things now.”

JJ pouts at her and she mimics the look, pats him on the cheek. 

“Aww, I know your life is so hard.” 

Amelia demands they go ice skating next so Kie slips in to use the bathroom before changing her clothes. She’s washing her hands when the bathroom door swings open without a knock. She sucks in a startled breath as she turns around and then lets out an exasperated sigh as she meets JJ’s mischievous smirk. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, is someone in here?” He asks innocently, closing the door behind him. 

She tilts her head at him. “Oh, I’m on my way out, it’s all yours,” she responds, with a sweet smile, and starts to walk past him. 

She doesn’t get far before his forearm is wrapping around her middle and pulling her back against his stomach. He pulls his other arm to wrap around her as well and starts to press feather light kisses against the side of her neck. Her nerves light up and she lets out a breathy exhale against her will. 

“You sure you wanna go?” JJ mumbles against her skin, his kisses gradually growing more intense. 

No.  

“Not now,” she says instead, annoyingly aware of how weak her voice sounds.

JJ chuckles against her skin. “I can be fast.” 

“JJ. ” 

 He slips a hand under her shirt and starts running his hand up and down her side, unbearably slow, “Hey, I’m just tryna return the favor. I’ll stop if you want me too,” he whispers, trailing his kisses up her neck until he reaches her jaw, Kiara tilts her head to the side without even thinking, another noise escapes her mouth that does not help her argument. JJ pulls back and Kiara manages to stifle a whine, debates telling him to keep going or accepting that he’s being reasonable and waiting until they're safely alone. But then his lips are tickling her ear and he whispers, “I’m not really getting the vibe that you want me to stop.” 

“We have to be quick,” Kiara relents. 

“I can do that,” JJ responds, his voice all too energetic. 

“No hickies.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

She grabs his wrist before it can creep any farther down her side. “Lock the door.” 

JJ grins as he pulls away. “Yes, Ma’am.” 

Dreaming dreams while I'm wide awake

The tree, the lights, staying up late

It's true

I'm in love with you

Swept completely off my feet

This snow globe scene is turning me

This Christmas Eve, "I" became "We"

Don't wake me please

From this winter dream

They stay out on the ice until the sun goes down, her parents even come out for a while. It’s not her mom’s favorite thing, but she seems to enjoy herself anyway. Laughing and spinning around with her dad. She and JJ spend almost the whole time with Zack and Amelia, who insist on several races, one snowball fight that somehow roped in the parents, and carefully drawing figure eights in the ice. Zack revels in the fact that he’s a better skater than JJ, which JJ makes up for by being bigger, stronger, and capable of lifting the boy off the ground and spinning him around. He’s skating around with Amelia on his shoulders when her dad skates over to her. Squeezes her against his side in greeting. 

“So,” he starts, awkwardly shoving his hands into his pockets, “you and JJ?”

“Yup,” she responds bluntly, not bothering to face him. 

“For real now?” 

Kiara chuckles. “Yeah, for real this time.”

“When did that happen?”

“Last night.” 

“Huh.” 

Kiara sighs, turns to look at him, hands on her hips. “What?” 

Mike just shrugs. “Nothing.” 

“ Dad.” 

“If it had to be one of the three of them, you had to pick JJ?” He relents with a sigh. 

“ Dad!” She exclaims, rolling her eyes.

“What about Pope?” 

Kiara fixes him with a glare, deadpans, “Pope is gay, Dad.”

Her dad hums in agreement, folds his arms across his chest, nods toward JJ. 

“Are you sure about this? 

Kiara looks over to where JJ is now spinning in a circle, holding a giggling Amelia in his arms  like an airplane. She supposes it's easy to be good with kids when you practically are one, but the sight stirs something in her that she elects to ignore, focusing on how frickin cute it is. 

“Yeah, Dad,” she responds, leaning into his side, “I’m sure.” 

Mike sighs and puts an arm around her. “You do know he’s a mechanic, right?” 

Kiara laughs. “Yeah, you know, I think it’s kinda hot.”

“Ugh, Jesus, don’t tell me that.”

She grins again. “You asked. Just be nice. He wants you to like him.”  

“Oh, I never said anything about liking him.” 

Kiara rolls her eyes, turns away, and skates backward from him, mouths, “be nice. ” 

JJ smiles at her when she skates over, using his body to stop her momentum and wrapping arms around his waist, perches her chin on his shoulder. 

“You havin fun yet?” 

There’s a flash of light below them and they both turn to see Amelia grinning brightly, pulling a picture out of the shiny new polaroid camera wrapped around her neck.

“Here!” She says excitedly, handing Kie a white photo, the silhouettes of her and JJ slowly appearing. Her mom is currently holding onto a collection of polaroids from the little flash photographer. “You should kiss!” Amelia adds with a giggle. 

JJ shifts so that he’s facing her, moving one hand to her hip and placing the other on the side of her face. Kiara smiles, lifts her arms up to rest on his shoulders. 

He smirks down at her, a soft look in his eyes that makes Kiara’s stomach flutter. 

“Well, you heard the woman, Kie.” 

***

When the sun goes down, they shift to the fire pit out on the patio, roast hot dogs and s'mores, and just sit around and talk, wrapped up in blankets. Staying up nursing beers long after the kids have gone to bed, Kiara sits curled up against JJ’s side, his arm hanging loosely around her. She gets more cuddly as the night goes on. She’s had a few drinks and the warmth of the blanket and the fire and JJ is making her sleepy. She inches closer so that she’s nearly sitting in his lap, her head resting on his chest so that her forehead is pressed against his neck. JJ’s talking slowly to her parents, his voice is soothing, she’s exhausted from skating for hours and so, so warm. The kind of warmth that makes her feel all warm and fuzzy inside and out, content, would be the easiest way to describe it. A moment in time that she pauses to savor as her eyes start to fall closed, thinking that this is the kind of memory that she’ll hold onto forever. 

Kiara gently jostles awake when JJ picks her up. She’s aware that she could get up and not make him carry her to their room, but instead, she just wraps her arms around his neck and nuzzles her head against it. He tries to walk away after sitting down on the bed but Kiara wraps her legs around his waist and pulls him down with her. 

JJ glares at her, but there’s no real heat behind it, says grumpily, “you seem very awake for someone I just carried up a flight of stairs.”

Kie smiles at him innocently, rolls over so she’s straddling his waist. Traces a finger along his neck. 

“You complaining?”

He grins back up at her, places his hands on her hips. 

“No, ma’am.” 

She reaches out to tenderly brush some of the hair out of his face, before leaning down to kiss him, smiles at the soft sigh he lets out as she touches him. 

“That’s what I thought.” 

***

Kiara jolts awake at the feeling of something large landing on the bed, lets out a gasp as JJ sits straight up, his arm hovering over her protectively and looks up to see a giggling seven year old. 

“Amelia!” she exclaims, holding the sheets up to her neck as she sits up, they both passed out as soon they fell back onto the pillows last night and are both very much not wearing any clothes. 

“Ever heard of knocking, kid?” JJ asks with a grumble, sinking back down onto the mattress. 

“You have to get up, we're going skiing!” she cries, her voice way too cheery for this early in the morning, “And Uncle Mike says,” she  continues as if reciting, “if you two lazy bums don’t quit screwing and get down here for breakfast  you’re not getting any pancakes.” She pauses thoughtfully and glances around the room, “what are you screwing?” 

Kiara snorts and JJ pinches the bridge of his nose.   

“He told you to say that?” She asks. 

“No. I just heard him,” she leans towards them like she’s telling a secret, “and I thought I should come to wake you up so Uncle Mike doesn’t take away your pancakes.” 

Kiara sighs. “Well, that's very nice of you. We still need to get dressed though, so we’ll be down in a couple of minutes, okay?” 

“Okay!” she says excitedly, jumping off the bed and running out of the room. 

Kie flops back down, mutters, “We should have locked the door.” 

JJ hums in agreement. “I guess we’d better get up then. No way in hell I’m missing out on your dad's pancakes.” 

She groans and whines as he rolls out the bed, lies on her stomach to watch him pull on a pair of jeans and a red sweater she gave him yesterday, enjoying the view. 

He grins when he catches her, walks back onto the bed to flop down beside her. Says, “your turn?” with a cheeky grin. 

Kiara rolls her eyes and pushes herself out of the bed, JJ whines when she grabs his T-shirt and pulls it over herself. 

She shrugs at him. “I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick.” 

JJ raises his eyebrows at her. 

“Not today, so sorry.” 

He pouts at her, juts his lower lip out obnoxiously. 

“Is that all you think about?” she teases. Says, “we’ll probably get some time later tonight, don’t you worry,” and steps into the bathroom.

***

It’s very much not the only thing JJ thinks about, but it does happen to be the only thing he knows he’s good at it. The one thing he doesn’t second guess himself about. The one thing he knows he can do right. And the fact that it's the best of sex he’s ever had is certainly not a deterrent, but if anything JJ would consider it the last thing on his mind because unlike everything else that has to do with Kiara at this moment, he’s not overthinking it. 

Well. Maybe a little bit.

His phone buzzes and he looks down to see a DM from Andrea, of a video of a man in overalls and a yellow shirt singing to a crowd of dancing sea animals. 

John.not.b: tf???

Drea03: shit that was meant for my sister lol 

Drea03: a big Spongebob the musical fan haha 

john.not.b: THERES A SPONGEBOB MUSICAL 

Drea03: yes? 

Drea03: also tf is your username? Not “B”?

John.not.b: duh 

Drea03: your weird 

john.not.b: yo shit I forgot to tell you 

Drea03: OH MY GOD WAS I RIGHT?? 

john.not.b: you know I’ve never been this ok with admitting someone else was right 

Drea03:  BAHAHA omg I totally fucking called it. You two are not subtle 

john.not.b: yeah yeah whatever 

Drea03: so are you guys a couple now? 

john.not.b: yes? 

Drea03: oh my god you don't know??

john.not.b: I mean… I’m like 98% positive 

Drea03: 98 PERCENT ASJFDKSFG DUDE 

john.not.b: okay well we just like haven’t really talked about it but I’m pretty sure it’s like in between the lines or some shit I’m supposed to get

john.not.b: Or I’m supposed to like specifically ask her to be my gf or something 

john.not.b: shit do you think I’m supposed to ask?

Drea03: ur fuckin hopeless dude 

john.not.b:        :( 

Drea03: just TALK to HER

Drea03: use your big kid words 

john.not.b: ur mean 

Drea03: T A L K 

His head snaps up as Kie opens the door, walks out in a pair of black leggings, a white T-shirt, and his blue flannel, her long dark hair pulled back in two cute little braids. 

“Yo, Kie, have I ever told you that you wearing my clothes is like… the hottest thing I’ve ever fucking seen.” 

Kiara raises her eyebrows at him, teasingly says, “hotter than me not wearing anything at all?” 

He considers that. “Okay, second hottest.” 

She smirks and sits down on her bed, her eyes on her phone. 

They’re alone, they’re both awake, now's as good a time as any. Just talk to her 

“Hey, uh, Kie?” He asks, trying and failing to sound casual.

Of course, she notices immediately, being good at reading him and all, turns to him with concern in her eyes. “What’s up?”

JJ opens his mouth to say… something. What? Are we dating? Should he preface it with this is dumb? It sounds pretty dumb. Fuck, she’s gonna think he’s such a dumb, insecure– 

“JJ?” her voice snaps his brain back to reality before it can spiral any further. “Are you okay?” 

“Did you know that there’s a Spongebob musical?” He blurts out in a panic. 

Yup. Good job JJ. Great talk. 

Kiara blinks at him for a moment and then rolls her eyes. 

“God, I thought you were actually gonna say something serious.” 

“This is serious!” he exclaims, gives himself a mental pat on the back for playing it off so well. “There’s a SpongeBob The Musical and we didn’t go to see it!”

“You liked Beetlejuice!” 

“Yeah but Spongebob. ”

Kiara rolls her eyes but there’s a tiny smile at the corner of her lips. 

“You are such a fucking child.” 

***

“We can start on this one,” Kie says, pointing to a small hill where the top was clearly visible, full of little kids and their parents, “just until you get the hang of it.”
JJ scoffs at her. “You wanna start on the baby hill? Let's just go where your family’s going.” 

“You want to spend more time with my family?” She asks incredulously. 

He gasps dramatically at her. “Hey, I love your family.” 

“You're a suck-up.” 

JJ grins, leans closer to her. “Only for you, babe.” 

Kie rolls her eyes and pushes him away with one hand. 

“Hey, I can call you that without fear of losing my balls now, right?”

She scoffs and smirks at him. “Only if you're on your best behavior.” 

He raises a hand to his heart and gapes at her. “Aren’t I always?” 

Kiara just rolls her eyes at him and turns toward the ski lifts.

“So we’re not actually going to the baby hill are we?” It sounds like a whine but he doesn’t really care. 

Kiara turns to face and folds her arms across her chest like she’s scolding him. “JJ, you’ve never skied before. Yes, we’re starting on a small hill.” 

Now he’s the one rolling his eyes. “Oh come, it can’t be that hard. It’s like surfing but on snow.”

It seems to annoy her, but she relents. “Fine. But I’ll have you know, I tried to be nice.” 

By some miracle, JJ manages to get off the ski lift without falling down. He has good balance, is good with his feet from years of surfing and a little bit of soccer. Kiara’s impressed, he can tell. Fuck, he knew he’d be good at this. 

“Alright,” she’s saying, “I’m gonna go first, watch what I’m doing and–” 

He cuts her off, says, “nah, I think I’ll just meet you at the bottom,” with a cocky grin, sets his footing, and crouches down like he’s seen in the movies and hopes for the best. Laughing as Kiara yells “Fuck! No, JJ, don’t! JJ !” 

 It goes really well for a little while. It’s fast, really fucking fast, and he’s aware that he’s a little bit out of control – well, probably a lot bit out of control. But it’s the kind of adrenaline rush that JJ thrives on, or at least he used to. Then, something crashes into his shoulder and he’s knocked to the ground, after one disoriented moment he realizes that it was Kiara. He was apparently, “completely out of control and about to hit a fucking tree.” 

It takes several attempts just to stand back up which is actually hard as fuck in skis, and he does what Kie tells him to this time. Cutting back and forth across the mountain at a painfully slow pace, and still managing to wipe out approximately six times just because he went a little too fast or moved a ski the wrong way, or had to avoid hitting someone. It gets faster and more fun the more times they go up and down the hill, and he picks up the hang of it pretty quickly. It was faster, way more dangerous, and therefore way more fun than ice skating. He quickly got to the point where he could race Kiara down some of the slopes and they stopped for a while on the smaller hill with little wooden jumps and obstacles set up and she took videos of him trying, failing, and occasionally succeeding to go over them. He’d never say it out loud, but his favorite part of the day was the trips up in the ski lift, just the two of them, laughing and talking about nothing in particular. 

He’s more exhausted than he’s been in a long time and bruised in several more places than he’s been in a long time from an embarrassing amount of wipeouts. They all sit together in the lodge for a late lunch and warm up with hot chocolates. He nods off on Kie’s shoulder for a little bit and feels her lips on his forehead and the snap of her camera taking a selfie before she’s jostling him awake so he doesn't spill his hot chocolate. 

She pulls him over for another selfie in front of the mountain before they leave and he leans in, hugging her arm and pressing a kiss to her cheek. Kiara smiles as she saves it, but doesn’t post it. Leans against his side, prompting him to throw his arm over her shoulder and place another kiss to her hair. 

“Love you,” he mumbles against her head, exhausted and the happiest he’s been in a long time, it just slips out. 

Shit. 

“Kie I’m s–”

She shuts him up by leaning on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek, pauses for a moment, meeting his eyes and for a second he thinks she’s going to say it back, but Amelia throws a snowball at them and he’s torn away to go spin around a little girl. 

When he meets back up with Kiara she just smiles and says she’d better get him to bed. He hums in agreement and shifts closer to her to see if she leans against his side, letting him know if she wants his arm around her. 

She does, and he’s too tired and too content to let the bad part of his brain get to him. Kiara’s here, warm and leaning against his side in broad daylight. Right now, that’s enough for him.    

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

Your integrity makes me seem small

You paint dreamscapes on the wall

I talk shit with my friends

It's like I'm wasting your honor

And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences

Sit with you in the trenches

JJ falls asleep on the car ride home, curls up against the window like a child.  He’s so fucking cute in his sleep, Kiara’s tempted to unbuckle her seat belt and crawl beside him, hold him closer with her head tucked against his. But her parents are in the front seat and she’s trying not to smother them with PDA, even though she’s pretty she’s going through some sort of stupid honeymoon phase where she just wants to be touching him all the damn time. JJ’s actually significantly less touchy than she imagined he would be. He’ll hover his hand next to hers and wait for her to take, or stand in her space and wait for her to lean against him before throwing an arm over her shoulder. Like he’s afraid she’ll push him away if she’s not the one to make the first move. 

She’s not sure if she should mention it or just let him take cues from her until he figures it out for himself. She decides it's probably better if she doesn’t jump down his throat on day two, but she’d be lying to say his cautiousness doesn’t worry her. It’s very … not JJ. On the topic of not JJ things, somehow that bastard snuck in the first I love you . Or maybe that is a JJ thing. She’d like to think herself the more emotionally open of the two of them, but given the way she’d panicked a few minutes ago, she’s thinking she might want to reconsider that decision. Granted, he’s probably the most tired she’s ever seen him and that might have had something to do with it, but if anything that makes her even more sure he meant it. JJ’s more honest when his brain is hazy and his walls are at their weakest. She should have said it back. She meant to fucking say it back, and maybe she would have if Amelia didn’t throw a terribly (or perfectly) timed snowball. But that's an excuse. 

She choked. Again. 

Because suddenly he was standing there looking at her with so much weight and trust, she panicked. He’s looked at her like that once before, they were sixteen and grieving, she’d just come out of the bathroom, his shirt covering down to her thighs. Met his wet eyes as she dried off her own, they’d just clung to each other and sobbed until they were out of breath. She held his face in her hands, kissed him on the forehead, and told him it was going to be alright. She’s not sure who she was really trying to convince, him or herself, but he looked at her like he believed her. He can say so much with his eyes, not even meaning to. She was so terrified by that damn look she didn’t have the guts to face him the next morning. 

Seeing that look in his eyes again brought all of that back up. All the fear, all the self-doubt she thought she had overcome came bubbling back to the surface. What if she’s not good enough? What if she’s just not enough to be what he needs? What if there’s someone out there who’s less stubborn, less proud, more selfless? JJ’s so fucking selfless. He might as well be a saint compared to her in that regard. She tries, she really does, but it’s nothing next to the way he puts everyone else before himself like it’s as easy as breathing. Even when they don’t deserve it. Maybe there’s someone more like that, someone less likely to hurt him. Again. Her track record’s at two so far, her kook year and the morning after the phantom, not even mentioning their talk about the night of phantom, and whatever’s been going between them for the last few months.

JJ wakes up as the car pulls into the driveway, peels his head off the side of the window and smiles sleepily at her. Kiara’s heart flips inside her chest. She smiles back at him and hops out of the car, bites down hard on her lip, and tries to shake the doubtful thoughts out of her head. She can’t do this, she won’t self-sabotage this. This is good, they’re both adults, and they have feelings for each other, and for fuck’s sake, she can be happy if she’d just let herself be. JJ’s happy too, nervous, a little unsure, but happy. Happier than she’s seen him in a long time. Kiara tells herself she’s just tired – tired and letting her insecurities get the best of her. In the morning, she’ll just laugh at herself for being so dramatic. 

They all put pajamas on and watch The Santa Claus Two (the kid's favorite movie), and the parents sit on the couch with them. Kiara takes the chair, JJ sits on the floor beside her, leaning his head against her knee. She leans down to absentmindedly play with his hair, smiles when he lets out a contented sigh and slides her hand down to his cheek and runs her thumb against the soft skin. JJ nuzzles his head against her leg, something warm and falls down her leg. It takes her a moment to realize he’s crying. 

She leans over him and gently tips his head up, softly whispers, “hey, are you okay?” and wipes the single tear off his face with the pad of her thumb, but he doesn't actually look upset when she meets his eyes. 

He just smiles at her, says warmly, “yeah, yeah I’m good, really good. There’s just uh, The Santa Claus. Touching shit man.” 

Kiara glances up at the screen where one of the reindeer is farting and making obnoxious talking noises while Tim Allen looks exasperated. Amelia bursts into a fit of giggles. 

JJ shrugs and offers her an innocent smile. 

“You sure you're okay?” 

He closes his eyes and nods. “Mmhmm. Just tired. And,” his eyes pop open, meeting hers genuine and innocent, “I like you… a lot.” 

Kiara smirks, sarcastically says, “well, now you're gonna make me cry.” 

“Don’t be sad, get glad.”

She frowns at him as the Glad garbage bag commercial plays in her head. “Are you really sure you’re okay?” 

“No,” he whimpers dramatically shaking his head, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired in my life. Mi braino no fuctiono.” 

Kiara laughs, starts playing with her hair again and he closes his eyes as she does. “I like you too,” she whispers back, “a lot.” He smiles and leans against her again, eyes closed as she plays with his hair. It’s surprisingly soft for a guy who probably doesn't even own a conditioner, and a little greasy from being in a helmet all day, but she doesn’t mind. She can’t count the amount of times she'd imagined running her fingers through his hair in the past few months and it makes him so happy when she does it, she’d probably do it no matter what. She reaches down to give his shoulder a comforting squeeze before finding her way back to his hair. He lets out another soft sigh and his breathing evens out not long after.   

We don't have to hide our love away and

Both of us are gonna make mistakes 'cause

Leaning on somebody's never easy

But look at me and tell me you don't see that

This is not a temporary love

No, this is not a temporary love

Now your heart is in my hands, I won't give it up

This is not a temporary love

JJ sleeps through the whole movie and when Kiara wakes him to go to bed his ass is sore from sitting on the hard floor and there’s a crick in his neck from leaning against Kie’s leg. 

She leans down and whispers, “I’d carry you if I could, but ya know you had a really big dinner tonight…”

JJ huffs out a laugh, slurs, “you fat shamin’ me?” and accepts her hand to help himself up. 

“Yup,” she responds, patting his abdomen, “I am shaming all of this fat.” 

He tries to flop on the bed as soon as they walk in but Kiara grabs his arm and tugs him into the bathroom. Rolls her eyes when he whines in protest. 

“You’re brushing your teeth, and you are sure as hell not getting in my bed dirty.” 

“Sorry, mom,” he grumbles in response, grabbing his toothbrush out of the cabinet. 

“Fine, you can shower by yourself then.” 

She doesn’t make good on her threat and they do end up showering together, but this time that's really all they do. He’s tired and eager to get in bed and so is she.  

Kie sits down on her side of the bed, leaned up against the headboard, scrolling through her phone. 

JJ collapses on his stomach by her feet, mumbles, “I’m so tired.” 

She laughs, “JJ Maybank: too tired even for sex, someone write it down.” 

“You don’t gotta be mean about it,”  he grumbles in response, barely lifting his head up. 

 His legs actually feel like led and he’s sore all over, has his fair share of bruises as well. Kie had touched them gently in the shower, a sad look in her eyes. “They’re just from skiing,” he’d told her softly, she’s just nodded, whispered, “I know,” and gone back to washing her hair. 

JJ’s still not quite sure what the interaction had meant. 

Kiara doesn’t give him time to dwell on it, pats him lightly on the ass and says, “you comin up here or you gonna stay down by my feet all night.” 

He smiles, says, “maybe I like your feet,” and leans over to place a kiss on the top of her foot. 

“Ew!” She cries, recoiling and pulling her foot away. “God, not a foot fetish.” 

JJ chuckles and crawls up the bed towards her, drops down at her middle because her face is far away, and rests his head on her stomach, one arm draped across her waist. She’s so warm and her pajama shirt is so soft, smells of fresh laundry detergent. An oddly calming smell. Kiara laughs a little bit and lowers her hand to run her fingers through his hair, scratching at his scalp and occasionally lowering her hand to stroke his cheek or collect the bangs that fall onto his forehead. 

He’s not sure she understands what it means to him, that she actually likes to just sit with him and let him lean against her, plays with his hair just because she knows how much he likes it. How calm it makes him feel. Her hands are warm and so, so soft when they touch his face, no real motive behind the action other than wanting to be close to him. 

Maybe she does understand.

He doesn’t start crying at the thought like he did earlier, which is a relief. Sleeping through the movie seems to have helped him garner some more control over his emotions. He wonders vaguely if this is what it feels like to be a girl on her period. 

“God, you’re so fuckin cute,” Kiara mutters, leaning over to place a kiss on the side of his head. 

The tiny complement shouldn’t make his face warm or his heart flutter in his chest, but it does. He presses his head into her belly to hide blush and the little smile creeping on his lips. 

“I don’t wanna leave,” he mutters into her shirt. 

Kiara just laughs. “And never see Toast again?” 

“Toast can come live here.” 

She laughs again, lifts her hand from his head as she texts something. 

The past few days have felt like a dream, a really, really, wonderful winter dream, but it dawns on him that they’ve spent that time cocooned away from all their friends, their lives, and all of reality. What changes, when they’re back on solid ground instead of dancing around each other in a picturesque snow globe scene? 

Just fucking ask her, you pussy.

“Kie?” he asks tentatively, picking his head up and rolling onto his stomach to face her.

She raises her eyebrows, sets her phone down in her lap. “Yeah?” 

JJ takes a deep breath, asks, “so what… happens when we get back?” 

Kiara smirks at him, sarcastically says, “Well, I was actually planning on dumping you as soon as the plane touched down and,” she cups his chin and shakes it gently, “crushing your little heart.”

He pulls his head away and turns his head down to hide the heat crawling in his face. It was just a joke, she was trying to say that she had no intention of changing anything when they get back. But it’s condescending all the same. He knew he shouldn’t ask stupid fucking questions. 

Kiara presses a finger to the crease in his eyebrows. “Hey, relax, I’m kidding, I would never do that.” 

 “Yeah, yeah I know, I’m sorry it was a dumb question. I’m just tired,” he offers a small smile and “g’night,” before lying down on his side of the bed. Closes his eyes and tries to block that one particular moment in time out of his memory.  

***

The easier thing to do would be to just go to bed. Kiara could just curl in beside him and let it go, wake up the next morning and pretend it never happened. Save whatever emotional shit that might need to be unpacked on both ends for another day. It’s clearly what JJ’s trying to do and a week ago she might have let him. It’s not that she thinks he’s mad at her or anything, but something’s bothering him, has been the past few days and she might as well try and work on the whole communication thing now as opposed to later. 

She places a hand on his shoulder and softly says, “hey, JJ.” 

He rolls over to look at her, eyebrows raised. 

“I was just messing around okay? Nothings going to change when we get back,” she rubs her hand against his shoulder in what she hopes in a comforting gesture, “I promise.” 

He smiles softly at her, places his hand over hers and gives it a squeeze, says, “okay.” The relief in his eyes tells her that he believes her. JJ leans up to press a chaste kiss to her lips before falling down on the pillow again. He goes to close his eyes again and Kiara takes a breath of courage and keeps pressing. 

“JJ is something – is everything… okay? With you.” 

He frowns at her, props his head up on his elbows. “Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t it be?” 

Kiara smiles, shakes her head at him. “Because I know you. You don’t get upset over little things like sarcastic jokes–” 

“I wasn’t upset. ” 

“It bothered you,” she corrects, “something is bothering you and it’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with that, I just want you to tell me what it is. I can help.” 

JJ shakes his head, a small smile on his lips. “I appreciate the offer Kie, but I’m good. Really, I am.” 

“I think you’re forgetting the whole I know you bit,” she says with a small smile, “you can’t just lie to me.” 

He purses his lips. “I’m not lying.” 

Kie raises her eyebrows. “You were literally crying, like, a couple of hours.” 

He opens and closes his mouth like a gaping fish for a moment before saying, “I’m just tired. It makes me emotional. Is this what it’s like to be on your period?” 

“What? No! That's- no, no. Don’t try and deflect on me.” 

JJ gasps in mock offense. “Me? Deflect? On you? I wouldn’t dream of it, dear.” 

 “You are impossible,” Kiara responds with an exasperated sigh. 

He grins back. “Why thank you.” 

She fixes him a half-hearted glare. “JJ seriously, I can tell something’s up with you. Can you please just tell me what it is?” 

JJ sighs, rolls onto his back and looks up at her. “It's really not that a big of a deal Kie, I’m just… I dunno,” he makes air quotes, “ insecure er whatever. Not really your problem.” 

“About what?” she asks gently. 

JJ goans, sits up to better face her. “You’re really not gonna let this go are you?” 

“Nope,” she responds cheerlily, popping the P. She pokes him in the stomach. “Spills your guts, mister.” 

He wrinkles his nose and sticks his tongue out at her, but she can tell he appreciates her attempt to lighten the mood, even if it’s brief as he looks down and starts to fiddle nervously with his hands. When he starts talking again it’s soft and quiet, unsure. “About everything. About us. I don’t want to be, I wanna be confident and sure of everything like you are but,” he lets out a humorless laugh, “what the hell do I know about healthy relationships?” 

He glances up at her tentatively, checking her reaction. She tilts her head and offers him a small understanding smile. “I'd say you know you more than you think you do.” 

JJ huffs, shakes his head. “I probably have some fucked habits I don’t even know are fucked up. I don’t wanna make you deal with that shit.” 

Kiara brings her hand over to hold his. “I’m sure you probably do,” he looks up at that, eyes wide like he wasn’t expecting that response. “But that’s okay, ” she continues, once again catching him by surprise, “JJ, you got out of a really toxic relationship. You’re going to have some unhealthy habits. It’s normal. When they come up, we’ll talk about and deal with it,” she squeezes his hand, “it’s really not the end of the world.” 

JJ squeezes her hand back, breathes a sigh a sigh of relief and shakes his head at her. “How are you so chill about all of this?”

Kiara laughs, leans back against the headboard. “Can I tell you a secret?” 

He nods, copies her motion and turns his head to her. 

“I’m not ,” she admits, “I know you think I’m some kind of perfect relationship queen but,” her voice softens as she turns her head to face him, “I get insecure about this stuff sometimes too.”

“Really?” JJ asks, genuinely surprised. 

Kie laughs. “Yes, dumbass.” 

“Like what?” 

She wrinkles her nose at him and JJ shrugs. 

“Hey, I told you mine. Now it’s your turn,” he pokes her in the stomach, adds with a grin, “spill your guts, missy,” as she squirms away from him. 

Kiara swats lightly at his head as she sits back up. “That’s ma’am to you, punk.” 

JJ grins. “Sincerest apologies.” 

She rolls her eyes and starts to pull at the bracelets on her wrist, knowing that he is right. Being open goes both ways and she really can’t be hypocritical and refuse to share anything on her end. Kiara swallows hard, doesn’t look at him as she starts talking. “Sometimes, you give me this look– ” 

JJ’s head perks up. “I have a look?” 

Kiara rolls her eyes. “Yes, that’s what I said. Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking about my feelings.” 

He smiles a little, settles down like she’s telling him a story. “Oh, right, sorry.” 

“Thank you. Where was I?” 

“I have a look.” 

“Oh right, your look. So, um, I guess I don’t really know how to describe it. But sometimes you look at me like,” she pauses, trying to think of a way to say this that isn’t cringey as fuck and decides it’s impossible, “like I’m your whole fucking world.” 

JJ frowns, his cheeks growing a little red, asks tentatively, “and that’s a bad thing?”

“No, it’s not bad. It just scared the living shit out of me,” she meets his eyes, sincere and gentle and confused, takes a breath and musters up whatever courage she might have. “It makes me wonder if I,” she takes another breath, “if I even deserve your,” she pauses, once again struggling for words that don’t sound dumb and fails, tries to play it off like she’s making fun of herself as she says, “undying trust and devotion.” 

JJ laughs. The bastard actually fucking laughs and Kiara pulls her knee’s up to her chest and hides her face in them, groans, “I know, I know, it’s cringey, you don’t have to be an ass about it.” 

He nuzzles his head against her arms and presses a kiss to her head with another chuckle. “I hate to break it to ya Kie, but you’ve had all that shit for a while now.” 

She lifts her head up to look at him, sighs. “That’s very sweet and probably true, but it doesn’t mean I deserve it,” her voice softens, “I’ve hurt you so many times.” 

JJ just rolls his eyes. “And you call me dramatic. It was like twice, when we were kids. You can’t go beating yourself up over that.” 

Kiara just stares at him, despite his rough and tumble, trust no one exterior, his capacity for seeing the best in people always amazes her. “How are you so forgiving?”
JJ shrugs. “Honestly, it’s probably the trauma. But yeah, your Kook year sucked, and I was pissed for a while, but it was forever ago and it was childish and dumb. The morning after the Phantom, that sucked a lot more but it wasn’t your fault my dad overdosed or that I got thrown into the system. I mean, I kinda thought you hated me which wasn’t great but that month wasn’t much better for you than it was for me. I think you’ve punished yourself for it enough,” Kiara turns away from him, her heart beating rapidly in her chest, her face growing warm, and he’s giving her that fucking look again. JJ reaches over and cups her cheek, gently directing her head back to meet his eyes as he continues softly, “you were there for me, when I got home and for the next fucking six years after that. You’ve helped me a lot more than you’ve ever hurt me, Kie.” 

Kiara sighs, tilts her head into his touch, lets herself lean on his strength. “You’re really sweet, you know that?” she whispers. 

“Don’t tell anyone,” JJ responds with a grin, “you’ll ruin my street cred.” 

She rolls her eyes and sinks back down onto the mattress. “Well, we wouldn’t want to do that.”

He smiles, lies down and presses a kiss to her forehead before moving back to his side of the bed and closing his eyes. 

Kiara sighs. “Hey, JJ?”

“Mmhm?” 

She opens her arms, whispers, “I'm cold,” even though she’s not. She thinks JJ knows. He crawls in beside her and rests his head on her chest, his hair tickling her chin and her arm coming around to rest on his shoulder. 

“You don’t have to be so nervous about everything you know,” she says quietly. “You’re a lot better at this whole relationship thing than you give yourself credit for.” 

He doesn’t move his head, makes a small noise of acknowledgment that sounds more like a whine than anything else. 

Kiara laughs, rubs the pad of her thumb against the soft skin on his shoulder. “I mean it,” she whispers, “I mean you were bending over backwards to try and please my crazy family when we weren’t even dating. Not to be a John B or anything, but I consider myself lucky to have you.” 

JJ’s about ten times worse about taking compliments than her, tries to hide his face farther in her neck and whines, “stoooop.” 

She laughs again, pulls him tighter and kisses his hair. “I know, I know, I’m so mean. I’ll try not to say so many nice things about you.” 

“Thank you!” he mumbles back. 

She shakes her head, a small smile on her face and picks up her phone again, looks at the half started instagram post of the trip, a polaroid Amelia had taken of her and her parents on the ice, a selfie she’d taken with Abigail, a picture of her, JJ and the kids playing Mario Kart, a selfie of her and JJ at Beetlejuice, a video of him wiping out while skiing (one of many), a couple of pretty landscape pictures she’d taken and the polaroid of her and JJ kissing that she had been debating whether or not to include. 

“JJ.” 

“Mmm?” 

‘Look at this.”

He grumbles about being fucking exausted but perches his his head on her shoulder to look at her phone with her. His eyes widen when he sees the picture she’s currently tagging him in. She captions it Santa really came through for me this year ngl, and hits the post button. 

Kiara turns to JJ. “Now all, five hundred and six of my instagram followers know that you,” she grabs his chin and gives it a little shake, continues teasingly “are mine.” 

He smirks back at her. “ Possessive.” 

“Oh, you know it, babe.” 

“I knew you had a mommy dom kink.” 

Kiara groans. “Oh, God, not this again.” 

“I mean, you really walked right into that one.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” she says with a sigh. 

“Hey, it’s okay Kie. I’m not judging. I’ll be your little boy.” 

He meets her glare  with a shit eating grin. 

“How about you just focus on being my boyfriend for now?” She counters, enjoying the way his grin falters and he clears his throat awkwardly, visibly holding back a wide smile. 

JJ nods in a lame attempt to be nonchalant. “Yeah, yeah, I can do that.” 

She smirks, presses a kiss to his forehead. Says, “good,” and then looks down at her Instagram feed where her post has just appeared. 

 “Sarah’s gonna flip her shit.” 

***

JJ settles back down onto Kiara’s chest as she turns the light out, the steady beat of her heart in his ear, her arm resting lazily on his shoulder, her warmth surrounding him. A similar warmth burning in his chest like a furnace, prompting him to fight the exhaustion in his limbs and stay awake even longer, to live in this moment for as long as he can. JJ reminds himself that he doesn’t have to treat every night with Kiara like it’s his last. She’s not going bail, and he sure as hell wouldn’t give this up for the world. They’re in this together from now on, it’s a comforting thought.  Just before he gives in to the darkness and slips out of consciousness, he feels her lips on his hair and hears Kiara’s voice, so quiet and soft he almost misses it. 

“ I love you.”