Chapter Text
It has not even been that long, but if feels like years upon years.
Percy has not slept in about four days.
He is back in school and he actually sits alone now. It had taken persuading and begging all of his friends, but he expressed that this was what he needed.
Nico sits alone, too.
It's strange and uncomfortable how much Percy's thighs absolutely ache to sit up from this bench and make his way to Nico.
They have both tried to speak to each other.
Percy has, admittedly, tried much less hard than Nico. Nico doesn't hide it as he stares at Percy from across the cafeteria, his eyes bright, but the area around them so dark.
Percy wonders if Nico has not slept, too.
They catch one another's eyes five times everyday, green-blue clashing with either a dark, chocolate brown, or a bright hazel. Percy is always the first to look away.
Percy thinks this is not a fair fight that is happening inside him. It is not alright that he has been having rough nights continuously. He tells himself how easy it would all be if he forgave Nico and see his eyebrows raise with surprise and Nico would hug him around his ribs, tightly, as if Percy is going to disappear, then his grip would loosen and hang freely, because he is sure now that Percy is there... But there would still be a grip apparent there because Nico just does not want to let go.
Maybe Percy would sleep, then.
Maybe he'd eat and not feel so sick.
But he thinks if he does that, he would feel this uncertainty killing him each and every day.
He wants to be with Nico, he wants to so desperately bad, but he wants all of himself to give to Nico. He wants be happy and worriless and he wants Nico to be able to not worry that Percy is still having doubts.
And he is.
And he wishes to everything that he isn't, but it is something that he has no control over.
Kind of like his sleep.
Percy feels his cheek being scraped and he opens his eyes, not even realizing they have closed. The item that scratched the side of his face was his Styrofoam tray that held the lunch he is not going to eat.
There is somebody next to him and he already knows who it is because there's usually a dark spot in the corner of his eye, which would be Nico, but there is no spot in that direction.
It is right next to him now.
He turns his head and Nico looks as bad as he is, he thinks.
His skin was pale before, but a beautiful pale you only read about in books or Robert Pattinson in Twilight. Now it mirrored Percy's, pale white with a sheen of yellow. His eyes were dull, even against the dark circles that exist there. His cheeks have hallowed in and his temples look larger than they were before.
Nico looks lost.
"I-I'm sorry..." Nico says, realizing he was officially in Percy's bubble and that he did not have the acceptance to reach inside that space.
Percy wanted to hold his head in his hands and whisper that he did.
Percy waits for Nico to speak again.
"I-I," He never stutters this much when he is with Percy and the world does not feel right anymore. "I saw your head just fall a-and I didn't even think..." Nico left the rest unspoken and Percy wanted to thank him, but his mouth felt stitched together.
Percy remembers when he told Jason he would hear Nico out.
That moment has not occurred yet.
Nico looks torn on whether or not he should leave, Percy wishes he would because he cannot handle it.
But he doesn't know if he could bear Nico getting up from next to him and turning into that black spot on the side of his vision, unless he turns his head.
Nico stands up and his legs almost give out, but he pulls out of it and walks barely any before there is a hand on his arm.
It is not gripping him, or holding him there, it is a feather light touch and Nico is very happy he felt it.
His body felt like it was buzzing from that little contact.
Nico looks down at him and he is about to ask why, but Percy beats him to it.
"Why?" Percy whispers.
Nico knows what he is talking about.
He doesn't want to talk about this in a lunch room, but he feels like this is his only chance to explain himself.
He sits on the chair across from Percy, a whole table separating them and he puts his elbows on the table.
"I do not know." He admits.
"Bullshit." Percy says and Nico wishes he would have spat it at him, but he says the sentence out of breath. Nico does not know why he did it, there wasn't a particular reason, other than he didn't want Percy to hate him.
"I didn't want you to hate me." Nico says, hoping that Percy would understand.
"I could never hate you." Percy says, looking Nico in the eyes and Nico knows he means it.
"Please..." Nico says, begs, as he brings his hands through his long hair until it meets the ponytail. "I can't do this without you." Nico hopes Percy will not ask Percy what 'this' is, because Nico would provide a one worded answer.
Live.
He cannot live without Percy.
Percy turns his head to the side and Nico thanks him silently that he is not an air head, that he knows what Nico meant.
Nico wonders if he knows because he feels the same.
Nico wants to hold him again, because Percy is falling apart and he himself is falling apart. He wishes Percy would just let him hold him while they both fall down. To tell Percy everything cliché and to stay forever with him.
"This doesn't need to be the end." Nico whispers, taking Percy's hand and he feels the bones move and the muscles twitch.
It's so familiar.
Percy looks like he is in pain.
He gets away from Nico's grip and stands up.
"It does." Percy said, grabbing his backpack. "You don't trust me, and I do not trust you... Y-You'll leave this place and realize..." Nico could no longer hold back his tears because Percy is saying the words that Nico thinks is so untrue. "You'll move on." Percy decides to go with and Nico wants to scream at him that he will not. Percy is the only one Nico could give love like this to, Percy is the one he is supposed to be with. Percy is the one he was going to grow up with and find a home, start a family, watch one another grow and remember these times and these hardships they have gone through and hold each other through it because they were in love.
They were so in love and Nico is dying because Percy has turned around.
And he is walking away.
Percy ditches school and his phone is buzzing with messages and phone calls that he has not read.
He is tempted to throw it across the street.
But he is not some bitchy high school kid that takes things like this for granted, because some kid was like him and some kids have it worse off and they deserve this rectangle of technology he can't even begin to comprehend, much more than he does.
His mom raised him right.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit... he wishes he could ask her for advice on all this. He thinks about what she'd say and comes up blank, maybe if he had a situation like this before he could have an idea, but he has not.
And now he is crying again because he has had this situation and never told her about it.
"I'm sorry, mom." He whispers, wiping his tears.
He thinks she'd tell him to choose what makes him most happy.
But he wants to tell her that neither of them do.