Chapter Text
"Of course he would say that," Dorothea sighed, exasperated. I giggled at her reaction as Ingrid shook her head.
"Let me know next time Sylvain does that," the blonde informed me. "I'll set him straight."
"I think it's kind of funny," I admitted to the confusion of my two companions. "I mean, it's obvious he doesn't mean it, so what's the harm in joking around? We both know we don't like each other, but he's pretty fun to be around."
"And...you're sure you don't like him?" Dorothea asked, but Ingrid shook her head.
"No, I know she doesn't like Sylvain," Ingrid answered for me. "In fact, I'm pretty sure she's got a crush on Ferdinand."
Dorothea's eyes went wide with glee and mischief, a grin spreading across her face as my own began to feel hot. "H-Hold on, wait, that's not really true-"
"Come on, there's no way you expect me to believe that." Ingrid put a hand on my back and gave me a reassuring pat. "Tell me, when is the last time you spoke to him without stuttering or running away?"
"That's not really fair, I-"
"You two would be so cute," Dorothea gushed, pulling me into a teasing embrace and giggling. "What a pair you would make."
"Whatever, it's not like it matters," I half muttered, not even entirely realizing I had spoken out loud until my company both tilted their head.
Dorothra raised an eyebrow at me. "And why wouldn't it matter?"
My brain racked for an excuse, anytjing to cover my slip up. "I-I mean...even if I did like him, which I don't, I really don't think he likes me."
"Maybe not right now," Ingrid said, "but he mighy change in the future, you know? People's feelings can shift over time, so there's no telling how he might feel about you later on."
"That's...surprisingly insightful," I muttered, causing Ingrid to fluster and Dorothea to laugh. The Blue Lion went to protest or argue, but the bell rang to signal classes would start soon.
There was only so much a person could do in a day. Professor Byleth had, thankfully, been lenient on my chores for the day, but I was still aching by the time night fell. My back groaned and popped as I tried to stand up straight, having spent too long hunched over a broom and sweeping the dining hall.
It was strange that it took chores for me to notice, but the beds at the academy were surprisngly soft and comfortable. Of all the things to spare no expense on, I was quite glad that beds had been chosen. I all but threw myself at the mattress, struggling to find sleep as I thought about the letter I had recieved a few days ago.
My parents had found me a suitor, as it were. They had come to an agreement with another noble family, though ny mother made sure to mention how much wealthier my husband was.
It didn't matter if I had feelings for someone, or even if they had feelings for me. My parents had decided my fate, and I would leave to meet my fiancé the next morning.
The trip wasn't too bad, honestly. The wagon I rode in was surprisingly comfortable, and the trip lasted a few hours less than I thought it would. I arrived at my home before night could completely fall, though the moon had already risen to watch me ascend the stairs to my parents' estate.
My heart pounded as a maid ushered me inside and up to my room, fussing about my hair and clothes and standing me before a mirror. She was right - I really did look like a mess. Hair covered parts of my face from view, sticking out at odd angles that could be owed to me falling asleep during the trip. Even my clothes seemed too messy, wrinkled and covered in dirt from Goddess knows where. When had I become such a wreck of a person?
I was changed into a simple dress, though I didn't really care for it. The color didn't match my eyes or hair very well. Still, I was in no place to argue with the maid as she mumbled about how lazy I'd become since leaving and complained that the academy had 'made me less womanly' or something to that effect. I tried my best to block her out and just stand still until she was finally done.
At last, she had tightened the final lace on my dress and pushed me out of my own bedroom, informing me that my suitor was waiting in the drawing room. Heart heavy yet pounding, I made my descent from the staircase and turned left for a short hallway. My feet stopped outside the drawing room door, hearing the gentle crackle of the fireplace. There was no speaking, so I assumed he must be in there alone, whoever he was. Ice cold terror gripped my heart as I knocked gently against the door. A sound of someone standing, something shifting, before he called out for me to come in. I should have recognized his voice. I did recognize his voice, but I refused to believe it.
Not until I saw him standing there.
"F-Ferdinand?" I squeaked out, seeing my own classmate standing before me, just as shocked and speechless as myself. "...You..."
His mouth was open, but it didn't seem like he had any words. We stood there a moment, eyes locked on one another in shock.
At last, I was able to partially snap myself out of my dazed state, enough to step further into the room and close the door gently behind me. "Um...hi...I guess..."
"..." Still nothing. I chewed my lip, trying not to look as distraught as I felt. Of course it had to be this way.
I took a deep, shaky breath, then tried to stand up straight with an all-too-forced smile. "I'm happy to see you," I managed to speak, trying not too focus on the upset expression he wore, "and I look forward to our engagement."
At last, he spoke. "Listen," Ferdinand began, taking a step close to me, "we...you don't have to do this."
I wish he could've made it less obvious. "It...I'm fine," I told him. "This is the way things are, sometimes. It's out of my control-"
"But it isn't! We can talk to your parents and-"
"And risk making them upset at me?" I clenched my jaw to keep something nasty from coming out. "No, I...I've heard enough about how much I embarrass them and how much they wish I had been born a boy. To defy this and turn down a suitor..." I laughed, but it was without humor. "That would be the icing on the cake, wouldn't it?"
Ferdinand didn't have anything else to say, but he did take a cautious step forward. Slowly, gently, he put his arms around me in a loose hug, one that I was slow to reciprocate.
"I'm sorry," he muttered to me, "I wish...I wish it didn't have to be like this."
Before I could ask what he meant, I heard too many sets of footsteps approaching the door. With no warning, I pushed myself off of him, perhaps a bit more forcefully than I had intended, and tried to straighten my hair and dress. The last thing my parents needed to see was that.
My mother was the one to open the door, letting Ferdinand's parents walk in before them. Both of my parents gave me a sharp glare, taking in my posture and expression, analyzing my every movement to ensure I was acting like their perfect daughter. As this happened, I subconsciously straightened myself up a little more and tilted my chin upwards a little. My mother gave a curt nod of satisfaction before turning to Ferdinand with a smile that only I could see was venomous.
Dinner was...an ordeal. I sat across from Ferdinand, my parents on my left engaged in some conversation with Duke Aegir as I ate as gracefully as I could manage. It was hard to remain calm when Ferdinand's eyes rarely left me, but it only made sense. He was no longer seeing me, at least not the version of me he saw at the academy. As long as my parents were around and I was under their roof, I had to be their daughter, their heiress, and their tool. It was my job to obey them and pretend I was perfect, which I prided myself on being quite good at.
"I cannot express enough how wonderful this proposal is," my father exclaimed a little loudly. "At last, we have found a way for our daughter to make herself useful." Our parents laughed, and I forced a smile in Duke Aegir's direction.
"Yes, I'm happy for the chance to make my family proud," I added, seeing my parents nod at my behavior.
When I turned back to Ferdinand, I noticed he had looked much sadder than before. His brow was slightly furrowed as he met my gaze, though I tried to smile brighter at him.
"It must be difficult without any sons," Duke Aegir mused. I pretended not to notice his judgemental gaze at me. "No proper heirs to your name or house."
The ice in my chest grew colder as I was reminded once more of what a failure I was to my family. It wasn't fair, I thought to myself as I continued that charade my way through the meal. I had never asked to be born. I hadn't asked for this life or this body. How was it my fault when I never had a choice?
The end of our meal couldn't come soon enough, the night coming to a close with a toast for our engagement and good health. My mother stood to show the Aegir's to the guest rooms, sending me a sharp glare that meant I was supposed to follow her. I rose to my feet, folding my hands in front of me as I was taught, and was quietly told to leave for my bedroom.
I bid the Aegir's good night, being met with half-hearted responses from them, and turned for the staircase in the entrance hall. I hadn't even noticed my lip quivering or eyes watering until I was in my bedroom, finally alone. I tried to stop myself from crying, to hold back the tears and push the feelings down like I had for all my years of living in that house, but I couldn't. It was all I could do to cover my mouth and be as quiet as I could, making sure no one would be bothered by my existence.
That's why it was so embarrassing and startling when someone knocked on my door. I glanced quickly toward a mirror, panicking at how much of a mess I had become. I wiped away my tears and tried to figure out how I should make my eyes seem less swollen.
"Hello?" Ferdinand's voice called out quietly, muffled by the wooden door. "It...It's just me."
Blinking away my last remnants of tears, I straightened myself out and approached the door. Once it opened, Ferdinand took a few steps inside, watching on as I peeked around the hallway, looking for my parents or any maids who may be waiting to eavesdrop.
"I came alone," he assured me as I closed the door and sighed. "I wanted to talk about...were you crying?"
My jaw clenched as I wiped my eyes once more. "I'm fine," I told him, arms dead at my sides. "It's just..." That humorless laugh again. "Now you see why I can't deny them. This...this is my last chance to prove that I'm worth all the money and effort they spend on me. If this arrangement was called off for any reason...I don't even know what would happen to me. Maybe they'd lock me up forever and pretend they never had a duaghter, or maybe they'd throw me in the streets to fend for myself."
I couldn't bite back the tears that re-emerged, though I did try to stay as calm as possible. "That's why...I have a favor to ask of you." He took the hand I outstretched to him, his fingers wrapping around my palm gently. "I know this isn't really an ideal situation. I mean, it's really not, but...at least for now...I need this to work. At least until I'm able to leave this house. As long as I'm part of this family, I'm their pawn and I'm at their mercy. So please...at least for now, don't call it off. I don't know what they'd do if they thought I wasn't useful anymore."
I only realized he was hugging me when his hand pressed against the back of my head, leaning me into his chest and surrounding me in warmth. Despite all my instincts begging me not to, I allowed myself to cry into him. I let my tears soak in his jacket, my hands curled into fists around the fabric as I wept for my own poor fate.
Our wagon ride back to Garreg Mach the next morning was a quiet one. I sat next to him, though neither of us said a word. He just kept his hand in mine and squeezed my fingers every so often.
"We'll be fine," he assured me, and surprisingly enough it worked a little. I felt my shoulders relax more as he squeezed my hand again. "Everything will be fine."