Archive of Our Own

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It's exactly quarter past 11 when Kurt honks outside Blaine's kitchen window. He barely had time to change his playground dirty clothes for clean ones; a pair of black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, and a denim jacket paired with sunglasses and sneakers.

He grins and quickly grabs his wallet and keys, a fresh mask, and runs a hand through his curls in front of the tiny mirror in his otherwise empty hallway. His hair is getting long again and he wonders if Kurt will tell him to cut it again, though he has a feeling he sort of likes Blaine's hair longer, at least the way he caressed it last night was a slight hint, and how Kurt seems to touch it at any given chance of privacy between the two of them.

Kurt honks again and Blaine pats his jeans pockets to check if he has his painkillers with him for emergencies, and then leaves.

Blaine steps outside and rushes to the waiting car, opens the passenger door and slips inside, the incident with his father completely forgotten for a precious moment. The time with Johanna was wonderful, they laughed and joked around, played hide and seek on the playground, and to top it all off, Johanna was allowed to pick something from the fancy bakery near the duck pond. Blaine's heart swelled with pride and joy when Johanna picked a vegan option, already knowing what she could eat and what contained unhealthy ingredients. And then Blaine had to swallow down the heavy knot in his throat when Joey offered her father a spit-soaked piece of her goody and Blaine had to explain that daddy couldn't eat that because he'd be getting a tummy ache if he did. Crohn's sucked so bad and took a lot from Blaine, even if it was something as simple as a pastry from the bakery, but Johanna's big, understanding eyes, made it all better. Especially when she offered her dad to go to the pharmacy, because at this point she knew that her father bought special pills for tummy aches at that place. She was so attentive and already so caring, it made Blaine want to give her the stars and the moon. All in all, it was a lovely time, but Blaine heard his father's nasty words whenever Johanna was playing on her own, and Blaine was left watching her, making sure she was alright from afar.

And it wasn't that Joe wasn't a good enough distraction, she was perfect, actually. One of her smiles, the sound of her excited giggling while she sat on the swings and tried to mimic her father to get higher with wildly kicking legs; it was great, but it was the moments when he was left alone that were hard, because seeing her happy, it also twisted this jealous feeling in his gut; that he wasn't allowed to be with her at all times now and that killed him. So, seeing Joe didn't only bring him joy and happiness, but also sadness and emptiness and Blaine hated this cobweb of emotions.

But on the brighter side, Blaine didn't associate Kurt with any of these things: he was this new, wonderful thing in Blaine's life, this sweet man who did everything in his power to make Blaine's miserable life good again, and Blaine dared to believe that it was slowly working.

"Miss me?" Kurt asks cheekily and beams at Blaine from behind his own sunglasses. Wow, he looks divine! Dressed in tight-fitting dress pants, a casual-looking, flawlessly pressed white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and his on fleek hairdo.

Blaine nods absently and stares a second or two too long, apparently, because Kurt snorts and leans over the console to smack a big kiss on Blaine's slightly agape lips.

"I'll take that as a yes, then. And likewise, you look delicious as always. Shall we?" Kurt says conversationally and grins when Blaine is still left speechless. Freaking Kurt and his mindreading skills.

But where Blaine might have been quiet at the beginning, he's now a blabbering waterfall throughout the entire trip to home depot. He exchanges work-related things with Kurt, what he plans to eat this week, what he and Rachel plan to do once Corona is gone and forgotten, how his day with Johanna was. But he never talks about his depressing relationship with his parents and especially the talk he had with his father this morning. Kurt is polite enough to nod, ask questions here and there, and shows the biggest interest in everything involving Blaine's daughter. He rolls his eyes at the Rachel stuff and asks Blaine how he's able to stand her most of the time, but then Kurt tells him that he sort of likes her too, just the stuff with Finn is a bit annoying and her constant talking.

When they arrive at home depot and step out of the car, Blaine is slightly shocked when Kurt takes his hand after they both put their masks on and disinfected their hands at the dispenser by the entry.

His first thought is to withdraw his hand, even looks around with big and anxious eyes to check if someone saw them, but Kurt senses his slight discomfort and gently squeezes his hand. "Okay?" Kurt asks softly and looks directly at Blaine.

Is it okay? Blaine has never shown public affection with another man- when should he have? This is his first-ever relationship with someone of the same gender, his first time going somewhere else with said person that isn't work-related. Is it okay? For a split second, he wants to say no, but then he sees a sweet-looking elder lady leaving the store with dozens of fake flowers in her cart and, even though she wears a mask like everyone else, Blaine knows that she smiles. He can see it in her eyes and her posture, and just like that, Blaine is okay with it.

Maybe it's because she reminds him of the people at WLP, or maybe because someone of the elder generation is okay with a gay couple at her local home depot where she's probably been going for the last few decades.

So, Blaine tightens his grip on Kurt's hand and nods with a smile of his own.

"Very okay."

-

At some point, they had to let go of each other and get their own shopping cart like the old lady, simply because they couldn't carry all the paint buckets and plants and rugs both Blaine and Kurt agreed on, but Kurt still made sure to walk close enough to Blaine, who was pushing the cart, to put his arm over Blaine's shoulders or gently grab his waist and Blaine has a hard time concentrating on the endless possibilities of items and colors and fabrics in front of him.

Conveniently though, it seems that his boyfriend has a secret second identity besides being a kick-ass ward manager at St. Paloma, because Kurt appears to be some sort of incredible interior designer and knows exactly what would flatter and please Blaine. And it's also very easy to forget about the immense amount of money Kurt is spending on Blaine right now because he's just so invested in this entire thing that Blaine feels like he is doing him a favor, but then again, that's exactly what Kurt told him this morning and now he believes it.

Blaine has a wonderful time and feels so alive that he could burst with joy, until they cross the kiddie section. That's when Blaine is reminded that he's decorating his apartment for only one person, and that one person is himself. He's immediately flooded with regret and guilt for all his excitement about all of this new stuff, because he didn't think about Johanna once, and that has never happened before. Not ever. Now though, standing in front of a sample for flamingo-themed wallpaper, it all comes crashing down and he feels the pain in his heart as prominent as ever.

"Blaine?" he hears Kurt's concerned voice from somewhere next to him, and he starts to frantically shake his head.

"I- I can't do this, we have to- here, help me put this back, I-" Blaine starts and grabs a handful of kitchen towels and a bucket of wall paint out of the cart to bring it back to where they got it from. He just can't. This is wrong. He should be buying things for Johanna, not for himself, he should buy this flamingo wallpaper because he knows how Joe would love it on her wall, and not decide which rug fabric would be best for his living room. What was he thinking? Why was he so selfish?

He feels panic setting in and his hands start to shake so much that he drops the bunch of kitchen towels and nearly stumbles over them. Thankfully, a broad palm on his shoulder catches him. Then he feels another palm on his other shoulder and the next thing he knows is that he's walking backwards a couple of steps, the paint bucket is taken from him and he hears their shopping cart being pushed to the side.

Then a warm hand is holding his own again and he's being guided to a restroom, hears the heavy old door close behind him and then he's being pushed down on a cold, closed toilet lit.

"She should be here, Kurt," Blaine sobs brokenly and feels like choking.

"Breathe, sweetheart. I agree, she should be. And she will be, I promise you that, but until then you have to start taking care of yourself, Blaine," Kurt says gently and crouches down in front of Blaine, holds his knees, and softly pats them. "Don't you want to be the very best version of yourself for her when you take her back?"

Blaine snorts and pushes a stupid tear away. "Of course, but how will this stuff make me any better?! Look at me Kurt, this is pathetic."

"It's not pathetic, stop saying that. And it's called self-care, ever heard of that? Doing something good for you? Treating yourself every now and again?"

Blaine wants to laugh at that, but then he realises something. "I can't remember the last time I even considered something like that. All my money is put towards things for my daughter and that makes me happier than anything, truly. The joy in her eyes...it's the best feeling you could imagine, Kurt."

Blaine looks down at Kurt through glassy eyes and finds Kurt's soft eyes looking at him adoringly. "I believe that, and it's such a wonderful quality about you, one of so many, but it won't do you no harm to do something nice for you as well. You deserve these things as much as your little girl does. Now, how about we get back out there and pay up, drive back to your apartment and you let me check out your home before I have to get to work?"

"I'm kinda embarrassed to go back out there, they all saw me making a fool of myself," Blaine admits and flushes bright red. He hates when he's not in his right mind and does stupid things.

Kurt's shoulders drop and he takes one of Blaine's hands, kisses his knuckles through his mask, and then stands up, pulling Blaine with him. "They'll all be gone at this point, and even if, screw them. To this day I can't walk into Douglas without freaking out because I'm terrified I'll smell my mum's perfume. But these things make us human. Come here," Kurt says and pulls Blaine in close, wraps his arms around him, and strokes soothingly over his back.

Blaine is so overwhelmed by his emotions; one minute he's bathing in euphoria, a second later he's on the very verge of a mental breakdown, and then it takes only a few words of his partner to pick him up again, to place his shattered parts back to where they belong. It's so exhausting to experience that, the constant ups and downs and never knowing when or how the next outburst hits.

He's defeated and broken, but he feels safe in Kurt's arms trusts him that soon things will be back to normal and that Johanna will be with her father, just like she's supposed to. "Have I told you yet how incredibly thankful I am for you?" Blaine mumbles and feels Kurt chuckle against his neck.

"With words and without words, yes. And the feeling is mutual. Now come honey, let's get outta here, yeah?"

-

It's only that evening, long after Kurt walked through Blaine's apartment with sceptical eyes, ideas flooding his brain how to decorate Blaine's new home, and long after he left for work and kissed Blaine goodbye with the promise of calling him as soon as he could, that Blaine sees them.

Propped up next to Blaine's bed, he finds 4 rolls of flamingo wallpaper, wrapped in yellow pastel silk-paper, and a post-it on it that says, "Sometimes falling can be a new beginning, too. Store these away for when the timing is right. And the right time will come, eventually. Thanks for today. Love you, K xx."

Blaine sits down on his mattress and reads the little note over and over again, presses the tiny piece of paper against his chest, and feels his heart jump with both grief and gratitude.

Blaine has no idea how Kurt did it, but those few words settle it. Blaine won't rush the process of getting his daughter back, it just wouldn't work. Today showed him that he isn't the best version of himself that he possibly can be, like Kurt had said earlier. He kind of scared himself when he had that little breakdown out of nowhere, triggered by something seemingly so small.

He sniffles and reaches next to him on the mattress and finds his little red notebook, opens a blank page and, begins to write. Among many other things, the most important points on his list are these: Call therapist and schedule weekly sessions again, because he has a feeling that there's more than just a slight depression hiding underneath the surface. He's just afraid to admit it. But the constant emotional rollercoaster, the painful urge to cut whenever things get too messy, the always prominent sadness, it all but screams for help in Blaine's brain.

He also highlights 'documents' in bright neon green, because he wants and needs Joe's birth certificate as well as countless other important documents his parents refuse to hand out to him. And last but not least, he writes HEAL in big fat letters and sniffles again, wipes at his eyes, and closes them for a brief second.

Maybe he should cut himself some slag. He nearly died twice, was diagnosed with Crohn's and other diseases at a young age. Was told he was never able to work, earn his own money and make it in the world. Johanna was thrown into Blaine's life out of nowhere. Then they moved from Westerville to New Haven seemingly overnight, leaving everything behind Blaine had known for his entire life, his friends, grandparents, familiar streets and secret places and so many other things.

The absolute dreadful past two years of terror, pain, constant fighting, hatred, vain and loneliness. God, the loneliness. Not to mention that he was recently kicked out of his home, separated from his daughter, and the brutal honesty of his father's homophobia, Cooper's painful words, and the refused hugs and love from his beloved mum.

Blaine felt like he died on the inside, bled and cried, fell over and over again for so long now, that he barely knew anything else at this point. Love and hope hadn't been part of his life for a very long time now, he almost forgot these emotions until Kurt came into his life. Yes, Blaine was shattered from the inside and so deeply hurt and scarred, but Kurt showed him that there was hope. He managed to pull Blaine out of his misery, at least most of the time, and that had to mean something, didn't it?

Kurt was right. Maybe Blaine had to fall and lose everything now, because all this time, he simply wasn't seeing things from the right angle. Maybe, Blaine thinks, and slowly opens his eyes again, maybe he had to start somewhere else, before he could start with the big thing- getting his kid back.

He had to start small, and he had to heal first. No, this war was far from over, but at least now there was a light at the end of this strikingly painful tunnel.

Then Blaine smiles, and it's both relieved and a little sad. Because for the first time, he felt like he had a real plan to go by- like he managed to finally sort his brain a small bit. And that was all Kurt's doing. He closes his notebook, tucks it under his pillow that still smelled like Joe's baby shampoo, smiles a little brighter, and then gets his phone out of his pocket and sends a text to Kurt.

From Blaine; 7:49PM

Thanks for everything. I love you, too.

Sometimes, life just doesn't turn out the way you thought it would; Chronically ill, alone, dad of a little girl, a global pandemic, a sudden gay relationship and a job he never knew he could possibly love that much... But to be honest... Who could have known?! No, really.
Who knew?

Her words, are my thoughts.