Chapter Text
I never hit so hard in love All I wanted was to break your walls All you ever did was wreck me Yeah, you, you wreck me I put you high up in the sky And now, you're not coming down It slowly turned, you let me burn And now, we're ashes on the ground.
°°°
Clarke really didn’t know what to expect from her first ever heartbreak. But she should’ve guessed that it would be this painful, because everything that came with Bellamy came with full force like a wave ready to drown everything in its wake. She knew loneliness before she even understood what it was but nothing has ever cut this deep.
He had woven himself so deep into her soul that a month since her heart was broken by him it still yearns for him. Like only by the hand of the breaker can it be fixed and she fucking hates it. She hates how much he has invaded her space, her memories. It’s hard to go back to the person that she was before him. He isn’t someone she can easily forget or get over by shopping or drinking him away.
That is why it was much easier to go back to her old routine, to her old boyfriend who didn't have that much of a hold on her. With her dad coming back just to leave again and her mom being meaner than she was before summer, she needed some normalcy.
She fumbles with the necklace Bellamy got her in her hand and she would never dare put on now. It’s a golden necklace with a small anchor shaped on it. He’d told her it will serve as a reminder that when life gets heavy he will be there to hold her down.
That was a fucking lie.
She reads the sign above Sinclair’s garage one more time before blowing out a pained breath, slipping the necklace in the small brown bag that’s hanging over her shoulder and heading inside. There are places that she can’t help but be submerged back into past memories when she’s there. They act as tiny time capsules from the summer she shared with Bellamy. Sinclair’s garage is one of those places.
She remembers the first time she came here; Bellamy had called her to meet so that after his shift he could take her by the bayou which turned out to be one of the happiest days of her life.
They spent the night lying on a little boat looking up at the stars as he told her all the different stories of the stars and how different cultures interpret them and she remembers staring at the architecture of his face that was illuminated by the pale grey light of the moonlight as she propped herself up by the elbow hanging to every world that dripped from his lips.
Sinclair's garage today though wasn't the same, since she walked in she and Bellamy have been shrouded by unspoken words and heavy tension. The flirtatious banter that they curated during summer is nonexistent and Bellamy seems to be so over it that he isn't arguing with her on the places to visit. And she knows it won’t end like last time with beautiful stories and a kiss under the stars. It will probably end with her in her giant house alone crying because her heart despite being broken by Bellamy still aches for him.
“It’s a group project, Bellamy '' she reminds him, exasperated, leaning back into her chair “You can’t just say whatever the hell I want” she stares at him pointedly on the other side of the little round aluminum table. He runs a hand over his face with a tired sigh then rakes it through his dark curls that are particularly unruly today.
“Fine” he says, staring at her with an expression she can’t place. He glances away before she can read it “There is that old museum right after Shallow Valley…”
Clarke is sure to mask her surprise and calm the butterflies that are threatening to take flight in her stomach. The Sanctum museum started a Van Gogh exhibition, stepping into his paintings and Clarke was so excited to go. She talked about it nonstop, she explained all these different paintings to Bellamy as he rested his head on her stomach looking up at her in awe as she went on and on but they never got to it because they fell apart before it could happen. It was supposed to be one of the last places they’d visit before school started. “The one we had plans to go to?” she asks, keeping her voice indifferent.
He glances back at her with a casual expression and she wonders if he is doing the same thing she is, burying the real emotion behind nonchalance. But why would he have any emotions worth hiding when it comes to her? Distaste is the only emotion she expects from him and he isn’t hiding that one. “Yeah, that one” he shrugs, his gaze dropping to his hands that are clasped together on the table.
Clarke has picked up a few things about Bellamy, like how he avoids eye contact when something is eating away at him. And maybe she should hate herself that she still worries about him but she just can’t switch off that part of herself. When she got here, he was tucked away in the corner, headsets in, reading his book and the look on his face wasn’t the usual aversion. He just seems done like he has nothing left to give today. The silence stretches with each passing second.
She swallows “Are You okay?” she asks lowly.
His dark curls bounce up and down as he nodes but doesn’t quite meet her gaze “Yeah” he answers his voice barely above a whisper. Before she can push for an honest answer he stands abruptly, almost like he could feel that she wasn’t done asking about him. He never did like talking about himself.
She scoffs at his attempt to avoid her gaze, her questions, her.
Her eyes stay on him though; he turns, facing the window that faces the small lake. They sat there once, their legs dangling, both leaning against the window frames as they watched people enjoy their time in the lake from a distance. That was the first time Bellamy opened up about his family, how his step father died and his own father never really wanted anything to do with Bellamy. He tried to mask it, but she saw how hurt he was, his own father found him undeserving to stick around for.
When she visited his place for the first time she expected to meet the same Bellamy that he showed to the world, a little brooding and scary but she found out that was just a mask he put on for the world outside to kind of keep them at a distance. The Bellamy that his mother, sister, Miller, Raven and later she knew was different, warm and gentle.
She misses that Bellamy, the Bellamy that would wrap his arm around her and place a gentle kiss on her forehead. The fact that she misconstrued the significance of their relationship is a hard pill to swallow.
“There is a restaurant there, I remember my mom talking about it, it’s been there for generations. It’s a seafood restaurant…” he finally says, turning to face her and all she can do is stare at him, thinking to herself if at some point in the future they’ll just fade into a memory. She has no idea what to do with the thousands of emotions threatening to spill out of her “the community around there, they’ve been fishing for generations, selling their product locally in the market and the rest of Arcadia… and to that restaurant…. There are all these different little places there and Shallow Valley is in Arcadia, so…”
She swallows the thick emotions lodged in her throat pursing her lips “okay… we should go over the weakened, start off early if we want to make it back” she suggests as she writes down the places Bellamy suggested next to hers. She stands, closing her notebook and stuffing it back into her bag.
He steps a little closer, and she does the same, their hands nearly brushing, eyes never leaving each other as silence cloaks them. It’s crazy, she thinks. How wrong she was about Bellamy and what they shared. How could she be so wrong? This beautiful boy in front of her made her heart dance in childhood like delight, she basked in the sunshine of his laughter and made her feel important and understood, talented and so fucking beautiful. He looked at her like she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, that type of look that people reserve for sunrises and sunsets. And she later found out from Raven who threw it in her face that Bellamy gave up a photography gig that would have taken him all summer to stay behind for her. He did all that just to betray her trust in the end?
It may be a small thing to others, but not in Clarke’s world. Not with how important her family’s image is to the public world. Clarke trusted Bellamy with how her dad left and is with some young woman, she trusted him with just how bad her mother’s drinking and pill popping is when she’s off shift and how depressed she was at one point her mom sent her away. Those are secrets she told him and when they got out and her mother was under review by the board and shadows of whispers followed Clarke around, they still do.
He swears it’s not him, but who else could it be? Her heart tells her it’s not him, she's convinced it can’t be him but she can’t use her heart, her head is the best way to get through this. Speaking of, her gaze drops to his forearm where his little brain tattoo sits, she then drags her gaze to her own arm where her little heart tattoo sits knowing its other half is just a few feet away even though it feels like they are oceans apart. She flicks her gaze back to Bellamy’s face who is staring at her, with soft eyes and creased brow.
"Will Ryker be fine with you being with me for the weekend?" He asks pointedly
She shrugs "it's an assignment...besides he doesn't dictate who I hang around with…" she nearly rolls her eyes at the question she's about to ask, disgusted and quite frankly jealous "what about you? Will whoever you're screwing now be okay with you hanging out with me?"
His jaw ticks and lips part to say something but the next words don’t come from his lips but instead from Raven.
“Oh look who it is slumming it in a garage…” she snarls coming into view, nearly stepping in between Bellamy and her. “I didn’t see the rolled out red carpet, the town must not have gotten the memo that the princess was gracing us with her holy presence” she cocks her head to the side, her ponytail dipping.
Clarke rolls her eyes at the intrusion, not particularly in the mood for Raven’s condescension twice in the same day “What are you doing here?” Clarke says not really caring why Raven’s there, she knows why. “Oh I forgot this is where you come to make all you little robot friends” Clarke bites and she can see the steam starting to come out of Raven's ears.
“Well, some of us have to make things for ourselves, work hard unlike you…”
Clarke crosses her arms, cocking her head to the side, narrowing her gaze at Raven “I’m one of the smartest people at our school Raven” she reminds her.
Tsk “That may be true…” Raven steps closer like she’s going in for the kill “but I know women like you. Eventually you’re going to marry some rich twat who will leave you for a younger woman because you’re insufferable while you drown yourself in Rose` and Xanax….” Clarke feels her blood boiling over and she wants to smack that smirk off the brunette’s face…. “Just like your mother”
“Enough, Raven” Bellamy’s voice rumbles in the small space and both girls look over at him.
Raven scoffs “Enough, Raven?” she asks, hurt.
“You went too far,” he says, disappointed “what’s wrong with you?”
Clarke takes a step back gritting her teeth, her eyes darting over Raven's shoulder to meet Bellamy’s eyes “What do you care, Bellamy? Isn’t this what you wanted?” she says through gritted teeth, his face dropping. She doesn’t take another second as she storms off.
****
Raven's soul wounding words remind Clarke why she’s so mad at Bellamy. She steps out of her jeep looking up at the dark grey evening sky wanting this day to be over already. She strides towards the door of Roan’s diner in dire need of a milkshake and carbs.
Clarke slides into the booth with a huff, ready to drown in an extra cheesy burger and fries and those amazing smoothies.
"Long day?" Murphy asks with his usual amusement tone and punk look he always has going on, as he slides a chocolate chipped smoothie towards her.
Her eyes nearly bug out of her eyes “Thank you” as she takes the longest sip through the straw letting taste seep into every inch of her buds.
Heaven.
She licks her lips "Was with Bellamy" she finally says.
"For the assignment? Jeez, how was that?"
She nodes "I just don't get it" she leans into the table, that overwhelming feeling of hurt and confusion coursing through her "It shouldn't feel like this should it?... He was just…. A high school boyfriend...a summer fling."
"But it doesn't feel that way?"
"No. I feel this much pain, this much intensity should come from being with someone for years, marriage or something."
Murphy gives her a small sympathetic smile. "It doesn't work that way. All those high school sweethearts who get married start off like that. Sometimes you meet your person or soulmate from a very young age."
"Yeah well, it was a one-sided thing anyway.” She dips the straw slowly in and out of her smoothie, shaking her head slightly as her mind wanders back to her and Bellamy back in that garage, the look on his face, the feel of the moment “It's like we are seated from across each other and we are miles apart. It hurts too much" her voice nearly breaks, her head in hand. What Murphy says next causes her to look up at him with so much confusion.
"What if he didn't actually tell anyone about your mom or dad… or you?"
"Who else would've done it?" She challenges him.
He shrugs. Clarke bites at her bottom lip "I didn't even tell you Murphy… he is the only person who knew."
"Maybe it was the nurses from the hospital?"
Clarke’s muscles tighten with anger. "Why are you trying to defend him right now?"
"Because…. Everything you've told me about him. How he made you feel and treated you. I can't believe he did all that just to screw you and try to embarrass you?"
That statement hits her like a track that plunged her back to her time with Bellamy. How his presence made everything beautiful, the way he was always listening so intently when she spoke, how he kissed her like she was the only person he has ever or will ever kiss, how he was the net under the ledge. How can someone fake all that? Maybe he didn't fake it, but his hatred for her was stronger than his love.
She leans back into her booth "I don't know. But what I do know is…. I can't trust him… not anymore."
"Clarke…."
"Let's just order okay?" she says in a tone that lets him know she’s done; she takes another sip of her smoothie, taking the menu that’s placed at her side.
Murphy stays quiet and only nodes in response, relenting from trying to find some way Bellamy couldn't have done what he did. “Well, my partner is Miller and he did bring you up.” Murphy informs her casually as he pretends to read the menu, he glances up at Clarke with one eye and a smirk just to see if he got her attention.
She sighs, rolling her eyes, curiosity getting the better of her “And?”
“And…” Murphy says leaning back into the seat, his face growing a little more serious “he said you broke Bellamy’s heart.”
Clarkes own heart plummets “He broke mine.” she says swallowing back the pain tickling her throat.
“I know” Murphy offers a small sympathetic smile.
~~~~
Cold air touches Bellamy's skin, yanking him back to reality as he steps out of Sinclair's garage. His mind was too occupied by Clarke and his deadbeat father. When she asked if he was okay he just wanted to bare his whole heart to her, but he had to remind himself that they aren’t in that space anymore.
"You aren't getting back together with her are you?" Raven follows behind him. It's not condescending or disgusted she sounds…. Worried.
Bellamy turns to face her stopping by the motorcycle packed outside. She stops when he turns, crossing her arms across her chest. He sighs, tearing from her gaze as he looks somewhere in the far distance down the sloppy road. His heart hangs heavy as the string threatens to cut loose. "Getting back together would require her not hating me," he states, swallowing the bitterness and the pain that comes with it.
Silence and then Raven lets out a small huff. "She doesn't deserve you, Bellamy."
"Yeah you've mentioned that a couple times Raven," he reminds her, annoyed. After a few seconds. Silence, he meets her gaze "I'm sorry Ray… I just…"
She's the one to look away for a moment then back at him. She walks over to him, hooking her arm around his and leaning her head against his shoulder "I get it. You… you loved her but she wasn't going to stick around for the long haul, Bellamy, '' she states, matter of fact, and Bellamy would be lying if he said it didn't break his heart a little. He isn't sure Raven is right. Well, the bigger part of him knows she isn't right, there is no way after all they'd shared in those months that she had already put an expiration date on their relationship.
He gets it, they come from different worlds and maybe he doesn't fit in her world but he doesn't need or want to fit into her world. He just needs to fit in with her. She is all he wants, the rest of the world be damned.
He knows that eventually he'll have to scrape every little bit of her from under his heart and soul where she found a home. He fell in love with her recklessly but fuck, at the time it was worth it. Those few months he drowned in her and never wanted to come up for air but he isn't sure if this gruesome pain he is feeling right now was worth the love they shared.
“I’m not saying you’re not good for her or don’t deserve her.” Raven says pulling away a little bumping her shoulder with his “I’m saying the opposite. You swore you never told anyone, I believe you, why didn’t she?” Bellamy shrugs as Raven continues, “It’s because reality was setting in, schools were opening and she found an easy way out…look how quickly she went back to Ryker.”
Bellamy’s eyes close, running a hand over his face as he lets out a sharp breath. This is why he didn’t fucking date or fall in love. The unnecessary pain and being left in the wreckage when the person you fell in love with decides to run you over.
Raven is someone really close to him, Miller is pretty much his brother and yet, he didn’t tell them about Clarke’s mom or dad. He at least deserved the benefit of the doubt after all they shared. He doesn’t know how to do this, get over her and just forget that this summer ever happened at all. But how does he do that when he exists in two places, when she has taken a part of him with her and she doesn’t even know it?
Bellamy feels like he is way too young to have loved this much. He doesn’t know how to heal the heaviness that’s sitting inside of him. He misses her laughter, that serious look when she’s immersed in her art, that smile that breaks through every crack and brightens up the room. He misses being inside her and the sound of her moans, he misses the taste and feel of her lips. He misses everything that is Clarke Griffin.
“Yeah,” he says finally, “I’ll just have to get through this project with her.” Silence. “But Ray…you can’t say stuff like that to her…about her mom and dad…”
“But Bellamy…”
“You just can’t,” he warns his words that were supposed to come off stern come off more like a plea.
“She’d never do the same for you,” she says bitterly.
He holds her gaze not sure what to say anymore, tugging a hand through his hair. He loves Raven, he does, she's family but Clarke is the woman he loves and despite everything that has happened he is still protective of her. And Raven is protective of Bellamy, she always has been which he appreciates but he just can't have her purposely trying to make Clarke feel shitty over things she's insecure about.
Raven and Clarke have had their fair share of fights since they were young and Raven was pretty pissed off when she found out about Bellamy dating Clarke but eventually she moved past it, at least she tried not to seem so disgusted. He lets out a huff and says “I’m tired, let’s just go home.”
“Yeah…” Raven agrees, “I’m eating at your place tonight, I don’t know where my mom is,” she says with a shrug.
“There is always a plate for you, Raven,” he reminds her. “Miller is already there”
***
When Saturday morning rolls in, Bellamy decides to take Miller’s advice. To just remain civil and focus on the assignment, no need for anymore confrontations or personal talk. So he takes a shower, puts on his white Henley short sleeved shirt, his black jacket and dark jeans and some converse, making sure to pack his laptop, camera and notebook and the Iliad just in case he needs to pass time.
When he gets to her place she saunters out of the house in an orange floral dress, her hair pinned back and a backpack. He knows she isn't okay just by how she bangs the door and barely looks at him. He could assume that it was her mom, dad or him but he won’t know unless he asks which he does, already dismissing Miller’s advice.
“My mom hates me.” she answers without looking over at him “You should drive” she’s said throwing him the keys to her jeep.
When Bellamy slips into Clarke’s jeep and drives off, that’s when it dawns on him just how much of a bad idea it was that he suggested a place that would require driving and staying in such small proximity with Clarke. She asked him to drive so he has some control there but the rest of his body, his mind, his heart…well, let’s just say they aren’t cooperating. His heart is beating erratically against his chest because Clarke is so close to him, his mind is reminding him of the night she accused him of revealing something so personal about her life and tore his chest wide open, ripping out his heart, and his body just wants to be touched by her.
The car ride isn’t like the other car rides they had during summer, when they sometimes drove at night with no destination, just happy to be in each other’s company. He loved reaching over and having her hand in his, how she kissed the inside of his palm, how she’d get that mischievous glint in her eyes as she reached over zipping his jeans open and stroking his cock. They talked about everything and anything but the car ride today was silent. Only the radio filled the space.
Heartbreaks are part of the risk when it comes to love, his mom always told him. And after the heartbreak if you’re unlucky you become strangers. Bellamy guesses he is one of the unlucky ones, because it’s been nearly five hours since they got to Shallow Valley and they have barely spoken, only when it comes to them talking about which site to go to next.
Bellamy has been trailing behind Clarke capturing her and the different places they’ve visited in different lights. His heart and head are in two places right, here and back at home, how can he survive two heartbreaks? Bellamy knows Clarke would understand to some degree the situation with his father right now, just like she did during summer.
He remembers their first argument, Bellamy was having a hard time letting Clarke in, he knew deep rooted secrets about her family but he rarely ever talked about himself. That was around the same time his dad started texting him asking if they could meet and she could see the mask he wore, so he told her that he has a hard time letting people in but the weird part was he wanted to turn his soul inside out so that she can see all of him scars and all and that scared the shit out of him. Everything crumbled to the ground and yet, a part of him still wants to pour his heart out to her.
His phone buzzes for the third time in a row. He sees his father’s name light up the screen and his jaw clenches. He slips his phone in his pocket, picking up the camera that’s hanging around his neck ready to get some shots in the vintage cobblestone bookshop that also serves as coffee shop that’s lined with flowers growing through the stones. It’s his kind of place.
“Are you going to keep ignoring whoever it is that’s trying to get a hold of you?” Clarke asks, holding on to the bookshop's door.
Bellamy’s first instinct is to be defensive, asking her why she cares, especially since her expression gives off the impression that she is really concerned even though her voice is nonchalant. He sighs “My dad’s in town,” he says but doesn’t wait for her reaction, he just passes right by her into the café. His eyes wander at the exposed breeks and dark wood bookshelves lined with books, the green velvet sofas somewhere in the middle, plants hanging from the ceiling and lining up the walls, the smell of coffee coming from the counter, behind it a pink haired girl with huge glasses working her magic as she pipes some cupcakes. Bellamy wants to tuck himself away somewhere in the corner of this coffee shop and just read and drink coffee, hoping that his mind and heart would be silent. He takes a few shots but he lowers his camera when Clarke stands in front of him hands crossed across her chest “Your dad’s back?... that’s all I get and you walk away?” She sighs, exasperated. “Seriously Bellamy?”
If Bellamy looks confused right now, it’s because he is. He swallows his question, striding to the brown leather couch in the corner. He sets his camera and bag on the coffee table as he rubs the back of his neck,.Clarke sinks next to him placing her bag on the table as well as she shoots him an incredulous look.
“What?”
Clarke smiles devoid of humor. “It’s my bad, how could I expect actual honest emotions out of you?”
“And why the fuck would you want that?” he asks genuinely confused “Do you really want to know about my dad?”
“I just…” she lets out a frustrated sigh tucking her hair behind her ears, her jaw set. “Forgive me for fucking caring Bellamy,” she retorts sarcastically. “Not all of us can switch off our emotions.”
“It’s been over five hours and you’ve barely said anything to me that’s not about the assignment,” he reminds her.
“You’ve barely said anything to me either”
“I didn’t think you particularly wanted to hear anything I have to say or for me to pry about your personal life,Clarke,” he spits.
She sighs, closing her eyes. Bellamy glances away pulling at his hair as he tries to breathe through the fucking thick air cloaking them.
“You’re right about that,” she finally says coldly. “But I’m the fool that fell in love with you so I saw you weren’t okay at the garage and today so I asked, because I can’t just forget what we built over summer, okay?”
He rubs his hands over his face until they reach under his chin and his fingers interlace. He glances her way, praying that the hurt he feels throughout his entire body isn’t being expressed on his face. “You think I forgot?” His voice is low and aggrieved.
She looks outside the little window as she shrugs. “I guess - it was never real for you, was it?”
He leans into the couch feeling chained by her words. “I never told… anyone about your mom or dad or you. I don’t know how many times I have to fucking say it… I guess you didn’t love me as much as you claimed if you believed it was me so easily…” He flickers his gaze to her and she is already staring at him, her brows drawn, face wounded. “My dad wants to reconnect but I know as soon as whatever job he came to do here in Arcadia is done, he will be gone… and I can’t allow him to wreck my mom’s life or my sister’s or mine for that matter, there you go,” he finishes through gritted teeth with shrug. Clarke doesn’t say anything; she just stares at Bellamy with a broken expression.
“Can I get you anything?”
Bellamy shoots his head to the side looking up at the waiter with his little notepad.“I uhmm…”
“I’m going to the bathroom” Clarke says, already walking off. Bellamy watches her as she asks someone something and then she disappears. He brings his attention back to the waiter, clearing his throat. “I’ll have a black coffee and she will have uhm… I’m not sure she wants anything but just in case she does, make her a Frappuccino, caramel flavored…extra foam. It’s her favorite,” he says with a small smile.
The waiter nods with a gleeful smile. “I’ll be back with your order shortly,” he says walking away.
Bellamy turns his back to where Clarke disappeared to but there is no sign of her. He groans, breathing through the tension. He picks up The Alchemist laying on the table top, waiting for her to come back.
~~~~
The Van Gogh museum is just as magical as Clarke thought it would be. It’s like stepping into his mind and watching it all come to life. She looks all around her, to the blue and yellow lit walls to the ceiling till her eyes land on Bellamy as he takes photos of her, her eyes meet his and she stops twirling and he lowers his camera. The starry nights dance all over his body illuminating his face. In this moment, she wishes they made it here during summer, when everything would have been different. She probably would’ve still gotten lost in the magic of it all and Bellamy would be to the side taking candid pictures of her that she would’ve been in awe of. At one point he probably would take her hand and they would roam around the museum, twirl her around and kiss her under these beautiful portraits but alas, stolen glances are all they have now.
After the coffee shop where they pretty much spent two hours in silence he read and typed some parts of their essay, she thinks, while she drew the café in detail. It was too aesthetically beautiful not to, as were the people in it. Then they made their journey to the seafood restaurant which Clarke found interesting and beautiful even though she was still furious with Bellamy. She doesn’t know how to exist with this version of him, of them. The tension is suffocating.
Bellamy takes a few more photos, clearly as fascinated by this place as she is. She pulls out her sketch pad, doing a quick sketch of the place. She knows when she gets home she will have to paint this experience in vivid details.
They make their way to the aquarium. The architecture is beautiful, and she’s biting back a smile as Bellamy is taken by the old architecture of the place. She loves the light in his eyes when he is fascinated by something, it mirrors the one in his eyes when he looks at her, though he is trying so hard to mask that glint when he looks at her or it’s just her imagining that it’s still there.
A raft of penguins swim by, her hand traces slowly on the thick glass as she admires the little creatures. “You know…” Bellamy’s low husky voice says by her side; she turns her head to look at him but he is staring at the penguins, the blue from the water illuminating his sharp features, “penguins mate for life, once they procreate they stay with the same partner forever.” He chuckles softly, “They are a little different from us.”
“Yeah?” she asks, intrigued.
“Yeah, the male penguin finds a uhm…” he turns to face her, his eyes soft holding her gaze “he finds a pebble, usually the smoothest one that he can offer as a gift, gesture if you will…to the female penguin…” a small smile slips on his lips and she can’t help but mirror it “and if she accepts she puts it in her nest and…it’s forever for them.”
She sighs, sadness creeping through her chest as Bellamy stares. “I guess they aren’t as self-destructive as us huh?” She laughs sadly.
She feels a trail of tears trailing down her cheeks, she wipes her face quickly, embarrassed that Bellamy probably saw it from the concerned look on his face and she hates it. Without a second thought she runs through the aquarium until she exits the building. She welcomes the fresh night air, her face in her hands.
“Clarke?”
“Clarke, can we just….?”
“What?” She spins around her heart beating so hard against her chest it might break as tears threaten to spill. “Can we just what Bellamy?...” He stops close, his brows drawn. “Talk? Now you want to talk to me?”
Bellamy shakes his head like he doesn’t believe her. “You think this has been easy for me? Being here with you?"
"Then why did you suggest this place?" She asks inquisitively and he looks away. "We could've gone to places near our place. Fuck, Bellamy we could've just split up and pretended we did the assignment together if it's so excruciating being here with me."
"That's not what I said…"
"You said it's not easy being here with me. Isn't that what you just said?"
His eyes meet hers again. "I didn't mean…" He lets out an exasperated breath running his fingers through his hair. "I didn't mean I didn't want to be around you, it’s just fucking hard being around you knowing that you hate me. Knowing that you don't trust me"
"How could I trust you Bellamy?"
"After what we shared Clarke didn't I at least deserve the benefit of the fucking doubt huh?"
"Bellamy…" She strides forward angrily. "You think I didn't see it? See you pulling away slowly?"
"I was scared you were going to realize the mistake you made once we were back in the real world with your friends around… I guess I was right," he scoffs.
"So you told everyone about my mom’s business and that my dad left us? That the Griffin's aren't as perfect as they pretend to be?"
He steps closer, so closer she can feel his staggered breath on her skin, his eyes intense with purpose. "It wasn't me."
Her voice breaks. “Was I just a cruel joke to you?” she asks coldly, barely recognizing her own voice.
“Clarke…”
By “My mom’s first OD when she nearly died,where she went, the month I was sent away because I was so fucking depressed I could barely get out of bed, everything with my dad I told you and only you in detail Bellamy.”
“I don’t know how many fucking times I can say it… I don’t know how someone else knew those things but it wasn’t me… I would never do that you, to anyone for that fucking matter.” He blows out a breath like he is hoping it will lessen the pain in his chest. Iit doesn’t. “I know I have a dangerous reputation, one thing I’m not is cruel… I wouldn’t do that.”
“Then explain how it got out, Bell…”
“I don’t know.” He takes her hand in his, placing it against his beating heart, pleading eyes melting into hers. “I don’t- I don’t let people in but I let you in. I was overpowered by everything that is you and I just crumbled and let you in. The comfort I offered to you was real, the comfort you offered me is one that I am forever grateful for. I loved you. You are my first love Clarke and everything that we shared was as real as the air we breathe. How could you possibly think I’d hurt you like that?”
Her tears don’t threaten anymore; they just pour out of her right from the part he hurt the most. “I wish I could believe you…” she swallows, closing her eyes as she lets out a breath, feeling the cool night air on her skin. The sincerity in his voice is overwhelming, it tugs at her heartstrings but she knows she has to be strong. Her eyes open, meeting his once more. “You were the net under the ledge Bellamy. No one has put that much effort into checking up on me. Putting me first like you did. But you aren’t the first to disappoint me… in my heart I believe you I’ll admit but I won’t let my emotions ignore what’s right in front of me. I gotta use my head, You lurred me into a false sense of security” she says, turning and running off.