Chapter Text

Chapter VI: Lost in the Maze in my Heart

‘That’s how the path splits

It continues, I’ll see you one day again my friend …'

As the train screeched to a halt, Jeongguk felt nervous, the butterflies in his stomach were fluttering furiously. 

After everything, he had managed to reunite with Namjoon hyung.

He tried not to focus on all the things he had seen on the train.

Jeongguk tried so hard not to have doubt settle into his.

Not when they were so close to the end.

It was all about to come to an end. 

He was so sure of it.

He was finally away from the cold, one step away from the comforting breezes of spring.

One step away from the warm sun hitting his face.

“Ah, young Jeongguk-ssi, it seems that it is time for you to go.” Conductor Jin’s voice boomed through the speaker. 

Jeongguk got up, nudging Namjoon hyung’s sleeve impatiently, as he couldn’t contain his glee. 

Even though Jeongguk knew, he ignored those feelings. 

'Ignorance is bliss after all…'

Namjoon felt his stomach turn.

Would he be able to overcome his walls this time?

Jeongguk led a gloomy Namjoon to the cabin’s exit, who felt his body grow heavier with each step he took.

“Hyung! We’re finally here! I can’t wait to see everything you’ve told me about.” an unsuspecting Jeongguk jeered.

Unsuspecting, yet worry clouded his mind.

“Of course Koo, hyung would never lie to you…” Namjoon responded, a solemn smile displayed on his face.

Jeongguk stopped in his tracks, just as they’d reached the final step on the train. 

“What’s wrong hyung?”

Namjoon pushed back his tears. He wasn’t sure if he could keep doing this.

Over and over and over again. 

The guilt in his chest continued to rise and was eating him from the inside out. With a heavy sigh, he said,

“T-this is where I stop Jeongguk…”

Jeongguk stopped dead in his tracks. 

'Hyung never calls me by my name...he's not…' 

Jeongguk slowly turned around to face Namjoon, any sign of delight and joy was erased from his face, turning into one of confusion and hurt.

“W-what do you mean hyung?” he asked, his forehead beginning to crease.

"I think you know Koo…"

Jeongguk didn't know, or maybe it was because he didn't want to believe it.

"Think of the photo you took of me, did it come out Koo?"

'No…'

"The rabbit...can you take a guess?"

'Yes.'

"Why do you think everybody on the train recognized you?"

Jeongguk's breath hitched in his throat. He couldn't inhale, and felt as though someone had poured cement down his throat.

"NO!"

"STOP DENYING IT!"

"IT'S NOT TRUE!"

"WE'RE DEAD JEON JEONGGUK, FUCKING DEAD!"

It was as if a fog suddenly lifted from Jeongguk’s eyes; he couldn’t help but fall to his knees, tears streaming down his face as a series of images bombarded his mind. 

All the memories of him and Namjoon hyung, some memories that he didn't recognize. Of them somewhere, in a building, playing around and memories of them on the train, he'd seen them all before. 

Jimin, Taehyung, Hoseok, Yoongi, Conductor Jin.

This wasn't the first time he'd come on this train.

Memories of missing his traitorous hyung, promising him that they’d meet soon.

He began to remember everything, bit by bit, piece by piece, it all came back to him.

"H-hyung, w-what happened?" Jeongguk mumbled out, his vision blurry with tears. 

"D-do you remember? Ever-r-rything …" Namjoon choked out, nearing the younger.

Jeongguk's head began to strain and he squeezed his eyes shut, grabbing the sides of his temple as he fell onto the train station platform. 

He lost his footing as he collapsed from the pain, and his head crashed down against the ground.

Namjoon hyung shouted something, but it was undecipherable and too late.

Jeongguk fell unconscious.

'Hyung…'

'N-namjoon hyung…'

'Please don't go…'

'Please…'

Jeongguk cowered in the corner, covering himself with the shadows as the townspeople had managed to barge into the orphanage. Tears cascaded down his terrified face as he tried to drown out the noise and screams and gunfire. 

As soon as the noise passed by him, the shuffling of heavy footsteps and the alarming cries dissipated. He ran down the hallways, searching for Namjoon, to check if his hyung had been injured and to make sure that he was still alive.

'HYUNG!!!' A desperate Jeongguk shouted as he climbed the steps leading to the second level.

'He'll be fine, he'll be fine, he'll be fine….' He muttered to himself.

'Jeongguk!' Namjoon shouted, as he rushed towards his best friend, engulfing him in a tight embrace. His face was panicked and bruised but Jeongguk's heart was flooded with relief knowing that his hyung was alive.

'H-hyung, what d-do we do?'

‘We go to the roof. They won't find us up there.' Namjoon asserted, as he grabbed Jeongguk by his wrist, leading him up the steps towards the rooftop.

The shrieks and screeches from the other orphans rang into Jeongguk's ears, the smashing and clattering signifying just how broken their 'home' was. The townspeople were enraged and didn't rest, as they tore the orphanage down, brick by brick, eradicating each and every orphan they set their eyes upon.

Namjoon twisted the doorknob as his bloodied fingers jangled with the keys, struggling to find the right one. He shoved the correct one into the keyhole and shoved the door open and dragged both himself and Jeongguk inside.

"Koo quick! Help me barricade the door. Go grab that wooden beam over!" Namjoon pointed hurriedly. 

Jeongguk rushed near the storehouse his hyung was pointing towards, and yanked a wooden beam from a pile of rubbish. He pulled but the beam was stuck in between the miscellaneous junk tangled into the pile.

"Koo, HURRY!" Namjoon urged, as he heard footsteps clomping against the stairwell.

The townspeople were moving up.

Jeongguk's desperation grew as he pulled and pulled until finally, the junk gave in and he managed to take the beam out. 

He ran, his legs moving faster than they could carry him, his heart beating fast against his chest, his throat raw.

Raw from the cold icy wind, piercing into his lungs, raw from his cries and screams. 

He ran, his arms sore from carrying the heavy beam, but he did it, he pushed himself.

For hyung, to escape with his hyung.

Jeongguk pushed himself as Namjoon's pleas grew more urgent, the townspeople's voices getting louder and louder.

Jeongguk reached Namjoon, who grabbed the beam from his tired hands and shoved it between the placeholders, barring the door.

But he wasn't quick enough, the beam slipped out as the townspeople barreled through the door, and a large crowd began to storm through the door. 

“There they are, THIEVES!”

Namjoon was startled, his body screaming to move.

Without an ounce of hesitation, he shoved a frightened Jeongguk towards the vicious mob.

Little Koo, who was petrified to the point that he'd wet his pants. 

His eyes widened at his most trusted hyung's actions, the hurt tearing his innocent heart apart, apparent in his eyes, as his legs trembled.

"Hyung!" He screeched, his hand reaching out for Namjoon as the townspeople pushed him down to the ground, stampeding over him.

The soles of their shoes crushed Jeongguk, as he heard each of the bones in his delicate slender body break, crack, and fracture underneath their immense weight. 

The pressure forced all the remaining air out of his lungs as he gasped, trying to breathe. A sharp pain ran down his side, as he winced, his swollen eyes filled with tears once more. 

His shattered ribs had punctured through into his lungs. 

It hurt to move, it hurt to breathe, but Jeongguk could do nothing.

'So this is how I go…'

Namjoon glanced back as he ran, a sting of regret coursing through him. Jeongguk was still looking at him, the innocent look on his face, filled with betrayal, clouded with anguish, his tear stained eyes beginning to close shut for an eternal sleep.

"I can't save him if I can't reach...rest easy Koo…" he thought, coercing his thoughts.

After all, it wasn't Namjoon's fault.

'Was it…'

Namjoon sprinted as the crowd neared him, their guns aimlessly shooting in his direction.

Jeongguk wheezed in his final breaths, his eyes never moving from Namjoon, as a metallic taste greeted his tongue. 

'It hurts so bad…'

He couldn't tell what pained him more, just that his head and heart were in agony.

He coughed feebly, as blood sputtered out of his mouth, staining the stark white snow. 

Jeongguk welcomed the warmth it brought him, at least his body could provide him a bit of comfort before he left.

Namjoon neared the end of the roof, nowhere to go but down. A building lay some meters away. Namjoon would have to take the risk, to throw all concern away.

He'd jump.

As his long legs reached the end of the building, he sprung himself into the air, his legs moving forward, arms flailing meticulously, gaining momentum as he neared his destination.

'Almost there…' he said, his hand reaching out for the ledge.

Pain shattered Namjoon's thoughts.

A bullet to the right shoulder broke his rhythm as he descended into a fall. His fingertips never quite reached the edge of the ledge.

But his head did.

It slammed against the brick ledge, cracking Namjoon's forehead. His head and neck ricocheted, as his body began to descend down.

Jeongguk watched as his hyung fell, the full moon shining brightly before him as his hyung's image shadowed through. 

He closed his tired eyes, tears and blood still staining his face and he smiled, drawing a final breath.

'...Namjoon hyung…' he gasped out.

Jeongguk awoke, his head no longer hurt but his heart did. 

He no longer recognized the man... no, the imposter for him.

He shrugged himself away from Namjoon, who'd been pleading over his unconscious body.

"You don't want to leave Jeongguk. You've let your emotions keep us here. In this frozen purgatory, and I can't stand it anymore."

Namjoon crouched down to Jeongguk's level, placing a hand on the younger's shoulder.

"I'm tired, I can't do this anymore. We always reach the gates, but you can't let go, can't accept the fact that we're dead."

Namjoon's voice hitched in his throat.

"I-I can't see you like this anymore, the cold, the loneliness, i-it's gonna drive me fucking insane , don't you understand? Everything here...the folktales, the train, the coming of spring, I-I made t-that all up, just for you. It was the only way, or else I'd be trapped in the moon. I couldn't reach you any other way. So you could finally come to rest."

"We can be together. F-forever Koo. You and me, just like back then. But you've gotta let go, or th-this cycle will never end. I promise, I'll take you by the hand and lead you. But you have to choose now."

Namjoon was shaking, pleading with Jeongguk at this point. His tears streaming down his red face. 

Jeongguk was lost, but he couldn't choose. Was the risk worth it? He felt betrayed. 

Did he just see a memory, or was it all just a dream?

There was a long pause. Jeongguk thought for a long time, or at least he thought he did. 

He could've been standing there for days, weeks, months, or even years, but it didn't matter nor did he care. The concept of time was just a joke here. It only took a few mere seconds for him to decide what he had to do.

Then he spoke.

"So there is no such thing as spring at all?"

Namjoon replied too hurriedly, much to Jeongguk's disdain. "Spring is real , but not here, not where we are now. Koo, please , I promise you that we can go there together, we can go to a better place, better than spring, j-just hold my hand and say yes."

Jeongguk froze in his place, and Namjoon felt fearful of his answer.

"Y-you lied to me…y-you l-left me..."

"YOU LEFT ME TO DIE!" Jeongguk yelled, as he shoved Namjoon, enraged as he felt his emotions overwhelm him. "How could you!? You! You, of all the people I ever idolized. After everything we went through, YOU WATCHED ME DIE! ALONE! "

"I WAS SCARED!"

Jeongguk fell to his knees, sobbing as he did so.

"You knew...you knew hyung...how afraid I was…of the cold...of being alone...you knew and you still left …" Jeongguk sniffled.

"I-I-I panicked. And I left. At the moment, I thought I did what I needed to do to save myself."

"I'm sorry Koo." Namjoon said.

There was a moment of silence and hesitation. Namjoon wasn't sure if he'd said the right thing or if his apology was enough to save him, or their current crumbling friendship. His guilt and regret would haunt him, leaving Jeongguk alone, but it cost him his own life as well. He wasn't sure who he pitied more.

Snow had begun to fall.

Jeongguk stared blankly at his hyung, his tears frozen on his face, his eyes and lashes white and wispy, his nose red and runny.

"Hyung…"

"Yes, Koo?"

"If you could turn back time…"

"...would you have come back for me...taken me with you?"

Namjoon crouched down and placed a hand on Jeongguk's cheek once more, staring deep into his frosted eyes and mustered as much earnest honesty as he could in his own eyes.

"Of course Koo…"

"Take my hand."

Namjoon released a content sigh as he took Jeongguk's hand and intertwined it with his own.

It was time for them to leave. They could finally move on to the afterlife and be released from this dreaded Limbo. Jeongguk had seemed to let go of the past. 

The Tsukimi Express would no longer exist for them. No more folktales. The end of winter had come.

Jeongguk wore no expression on his face. He helped his hyung rise up and looked at him.

"You know hyung…"

"If you lied to me before, then how do I know you're still not lying to me," he muttered.

Namjoon's eyes widened.

"Didn't you say we'd be together forever?" 

"N-no Jeong-" was all he managed to say before Jeongguk smiled maliciously.

"What if there really is a spring and you're just hiding it from me?!"

Jeongguk felt selfish, but perhaps that's what he needed to be.

"Do you love me Namjoon hyung?"

That's all it took. A moment of hesitation.

That same damn look whenever Jeongguk asked Namjoon hyung about him.

"We'll stay here…"

"JEONGGUK NO !"

"YES! You and me hyung, we'll find it together, won't we?" He giggled, his face contorting into an ugly grin, as the frozen tears clung to his face.

"I just need you hyung, just you, that's all. We can spend another eternity together."

Jeongguk gleamed, as he clasped Namjoon's hand firmly and raised it up.

"Now, you'll never leave me in the cold…" 

"NO!" Namjoon screamed as he raised his fist in the air, to stop Jeongguk.

But it was too late. 

The train had worked it's magic and the clock began to reverse. Everyone and everything around them froze.

The wind stopped flowing, Jeongguk stopped breathing, the train stopped moving.

Everything came to a pause.

Jin appeared behind them, pulling his pocket watch out and tsked loudly, clicking his tongue.

"Ah Namjoon-ssi, you were so close this time," he said as he placed a hand on Namjoon's shoulder, who unfroze and fell to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I can't do this again Jin, not again, it's been too long, too many fucking years, I can't reach him, I can't save him, I can't even save myself, I just want to leave!" He blurted out, sobbing uncontrollably. 

"How many more days, how many more nights?! I just want to leave this godforsaken place."

"It's because he loves you…"

"Damn him…"

Jin crouched down and gave Namjoon a hug, more as a gesture rather than to provide comfort. 

He never really knew who Namjoon referred to when he said that statement. 

Did he really think Jeongguk 'loved' him?

"It's time to go…"

Jin pulled out the pocket watch from within his vest and flipped it open. 

It showed two hands in the middle of the clock, a disfigured skeletal hand and on the opposition, a beautiful porcelain hand, fingertips almost in reach with one another. An hourglass, filled with snow rather than sand, was down to its last few particles. 

They were so close this time.

Jin watched as they were yanked back, out of frame of the watch, and disappeared. The hourglass started spinning aggressively, and time began to rewind, as everything went back to place, to the way it was before.

Time reversed all the pain, as only pious & good-willed souls could enter the gates.

Free from any grudges or resentment set by time.

Made one of them forget the memories, and the other kept them.

The true woe and misjudgment of pain, the endless trial they couldn't seek the answer to.

Jeongguk had returned to the old town, his memories gone save for the ones of his beloved hyung. His innocence trapped him in a mirage that could never be brought forth in reality.

Namjoon glimmered in the sky, weeping tears that no one could wipe, frozen as autumn disappeared. His rabbit form would stay as he was self-devoted and that would stay as he'd reap what he'd sown.

The train was back on its tracks, stuck in an eternal winter that no one could escape from.

It's lonesome moan echoed through the night, through the tunnels, through the souls stuck in the train. The souls who longed for each other rather than eternal bliss. 

Purgatory was meant to purge, not conceal. You'd have to give up everything to leave. 

Alas, that was a reality most couldn't accept. 

Even after death. 

Your sins follow you till the end of time, and death will never do them apart from you.

Greed, Wrath, and Pride.

That’s what this train carried.

But The Tsukimi Express did just that, bringing temporary relief for the pain, but it could not not hide their true intent. It concealed what they couldn't. 

Just as the phases of the moon, people change over time. 

But in the end, it all comes full circle.

Jin watched as the snow began to fall once more, in disdain. There truly was no beauty in this world.

He didn't think much of it anymore, he had a job to do. A job he despised but anything to please him.

After all, he was guised as the man who once had Namjoon's heart.

He'd be stuck here for all eternity if it meant to please him.

He looked up in the direction of the moonlight, shining brightly down on him.

The moon oversaw everything, encircling the small world they lived in, never missing a beat. 

Jin prayed the same wish each time his eyes glittered with tears, glancing at the moon, wishing he could return.

These lost souls didn't know what true adoration really was. Jin would have pitied them had he not been disgusted.

In the end, it was an obsession that kept them all tied to the Tsukimi Express, a toxic bond for some, a desperate cry for others, a job for one.

'Friends till the end,' Jin thought as he scoffed.

Pathetic. 

To face my past and present, I need to be able to reach you.

To pass through the end of winter’s cold, 

Until the blossoming of spring arrives, 

Is where I need you to stay with me,

Even if it’s just a bit longer, 

Please stay.