Chapter Text
Tobin’s never, ever, been one to be able to successfully communicate. With her parents, with JJ, with Alex, with teachers, with literally no one. But now, her back was against the wall and she had nothing to lose but everything to gain. If there was anytime for her communication skills to kick in, now would be perfect.
“So?” Christen asks.
“I look at you and see a life in your eyes, Chris. Our life”
“That’s romantic and all Tobin, but I need more than that. I need stability. I need someone that I know isn’t going to run for the hills when things get a little tough,” Christen tells her.
“I know that-”
“Do you? Because you’ve done basically nothing of what I just said.”
“Chri-”
“No, sorry Tobin. You don’t get to come in here and blather off sorry after sorry and some sob love story. I’m not gonna take that. If you wanna have a conversation, we can. But know that I’m not going to just roll over and swoon over every word that comes out of your mouth. Clear?”
Tobin nods and agrees, knowing that at this moment, there was no room for bullshit. “I understand. I really want to talk.”
“Then I think we can agree to do that.”
Tobin nods and gestures to the open table and chair a few feet behind them. JJ and Ash were still cleaning up on stage, but Tobin trusted them. She knew they were fully capable of getting everything together and out of the cafe without her help. And surely, Alex and Ali would see them talking and know to head out without waiting. Or at least, Tobin hoped so. Tobin prayed so. The last thing she needed was a disaster on their part.
Christen takes a seat across from the older girl and waits for her to start the conversation. As far as she was concerned, this was Tobin’s story to tell. Her mess to clean up- if she wanted to. All Christen wanted to do was sit back and watch the events about to unfold.
Tobin gets the hint and clears her throat. She wanted to go about this directly, but gently. She knew she messed up. Fuck, did she mess up. But her weeping and sobbing would never get them anywhere, even if that’s what she desperately wanted to do.
No, she had to keep it together. Long enough to get the groveling out, and then after that she could cry all she wanted. And she imagined she would be. All night long, probably. And then some. The tears would be depending on how this conversation goes, however.
“Well, first of all, I just wanna say I’m sorry.”
“For?” Christen asks.
“For the first part, just like. Trying to control what you do. I know that it was wrong, and I’m really sorry that I was trying to force you to make a decision that you didn’t want.”
Christen takes this in with a nod. She knew that Tobin was correct in apologizing, and she did appreciate it, but if Tobin was putting herself on the line for this, the least that Christen could do in return was to be honest. For both of them.
“I appreciate that Tobin, I really do. But honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I saw your point.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It would be kind of a stupid decision if I just. Uprooted everything I have to follow a group of girls I met this year across the country. You weren’t really wrong in that.”
“Thank-”
“But, you were really really really wrong in how you got that point across. Tobin, if this talk is gonna be productive, you really need to understand that I am my own person. The same way that you are yours. I would never try to tell you what to do when it comes to a major life decision.”
Tobin takes this in and ultimately agrees. She was way out of line before, and the more time passed, the more she saw that. Just. Describing that and telling Christen that was the part she was finding the most difficult.
“I know. I was really out of line. I am really sorry,” Tobin tells her.
Christen can sense the sincerity in the older girl’s tone, and knows that she genuinely was apologizing.
“Can we talk about it, though? Like. Tobin, I want this talk to bring us closer together, you know? To understand each other more. I appreciate you apologizing, but I wanna know why you acted that way?”
Tobin shrugs her shoulders. She knows, logically, that she would have to talk about the situation and everything that happened. She knows they brushed on it earlier, but to have a full in depth conversation about basically Tobin’s biggest fears? That’s an entirely different story.
But, if this past week has proved anything for her, it was letting people in. She royally fucked things over with Christen, and if the younger girl needed to have this conversation for a better understanding of each other, would that really be such a bad thing? Weighing her options is taking quite a long time, too long really, and she looks over at Christen with frantic eyes.
Christen can tell that Tobin is internally freaking out, but can she blame her? She doesn’t know if Tobin’s really opened up to anyone like this before, certainly not under these bizarre circumstances. Knowing all too well what anxiety feels like, she does her best to help by putting her hand on Tobin’s knee and giving her a reassuring squeeze.
Tobin appreciates the gesture, but she’s still hesitant. To put her entire heart on the line- that would be the probably the hardest thing she’s done in life. She knows she was confident earlier with JJ that she would fix things between them, but now that she was in the moment? Fuck, it’s like every shred of confidence she’s ever had dissipated into thin air. And Tobin Heath was not known for her lack of confidence.
It would be quite the cowardly thing to do to drive Christen home, drop her off, and then never see her again. But, as every second of silence goes on, it’s the idea that looks stronger and stronger for Tobin.
There was another aspect of this talk that she wasn’t prepared for. Christen had just admitted that Tobin was right all along. What would she think at the end of their talk? What if Tobin had this whole entire thing planned out, it went amazingly, they got back together, just for Christen to stay here? Just for her to decide that the move to California wasn’t the right decision? What would she do then? She was fully prepared to talk, but now to talk about this and to know that in the end the decision would be made of Christen staying there? Fuck, this was getting harder and harder as the seconds pass by.
Christen sighs, “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to-”
“That’s the thing. I really want to. I want to be able to talk and both of us come out happy and with plans. For the future.”
“Me too, Tobin. Really.”
Tobin’s glad to hear these words, but she’s too afraid to ask where their future lies, exactly. California has been her dream since she was little, but now with Christen in the picture? Would it really be that bad to stay here, if Christen was going to?
Tobin thinks about the idea of staying in town for a few seconds- just to let her brain linger on the idea, and she has to stop herself from vomiting. After everything they’ve all worked for, it just wasn’t realistic . Besides, even if she stayed, everyone else would go anyway. Ali and Alex already have deals with colleges, and there’s no way JJ and Ash wouldn’t go with them. That would leave just Tobin and Christen here. And as much as she loved the younger girl, she knew that was no future. For either of them.
“Can I ask you something, first?” Tobin requests.
“Sure, Tobin.”
“When you say future, what do you mean?”
“Huh?” Christen asks.
“Like, you said earlier that I was right before. Does that mean you don’t want to come to California anymore?”
Christen nods at the clarification, but that’s the only response she can get out. She did say that earlier, Tobin was right.
“I don’t know anymore, Tobin. I thought I had everything figured out- I really did. And then everything between us happened, and I’ve thought a lot about it, and I just. I really have no idea what I want anymore.”
“What have you been thinking about?”
“Just everything. Mostly the points you made. It would be absolutely crazy to just up and move to go to Stanford when Yale is right here,” Christen trails off.
“I’m sensing there’s a but?”
“But, I want to. I want so badly to move and be in California and have that life. I don’t want to be the person that stays forever in their hometown, too afraid to ever leave their comfort zone.”
Tobin nods, agreeing with her. That’s the reason she wanted to leave, too. Well that and to make music, but she understood.
“I get what you mean. I guess I wanna go out there, too, just to like. Be on my own, you know? Out there, I won’t have to see anyone I know. It’ll be just like a clean slate.”
“Is that something you really want? Why?” Christen questions.
Tobin shrugs, “I don’t know. I guess so I know I won’t like, run into my family in the grocery store. Or I won’t see my mom randomly one day while I’m out to eat.”
“Anyone else you like to avoid?” Christen asks.
“It’s not like I’m avoiding people. I just. I guess I wanna go to a place where I can dictate what I’m known for. I wanna be known for my music, right? Not my school performance, or the drama with my family, or my family’s business, or anything.”
“Do you think you’re known for those things now?” Christen asks with genuine curiosity.
Tobin shrugs, ignores the question and picks at the rips in her jeans. She didn’t want to answer, but a part of her knew that she owed Christen some transparency and honesty.
“Sometimes I do, yeah. Like in school and stuff. I’m just not smart at all-”
“That’s not true, Tobin.”
“No, it is, and it’s okay. Not everyone was meant to be smart. You’re smart in school stuff and I’m smart in music, I’m not upset about it. That’s just life. But like. I don’t know, I started falling behind in school because of the whole thing with my family and moving out.”
“That must have been really hard.”
Tobin nods, but doesn’t respond. She needed a few seconds to compose herself. Thinking back on all of these old memories was hard, but this talk would be worth it. She hoped.
“Yeah, it was. And I was just falling behind so much in school, and I’ve never been good at it, but everyday was just getting worse and worse. And I just remember this one teacher I had was such a dick about it. I would come in late all the time and he would just make comments about how it wasn’t even worth coming to school because I never learned anything.”
Christen doesn’t say anything but gives her a look to continue. This is what she wanted all along, really. To be closer to her. To understand more. To know more. And if Tobin was going to start opening up, Christen wasn’t going to stop her anytime soon.
“And I just became the kid that was bad at school. That’s just what I was known as. The idiot. It just happened overnight, you know. I went from this normal kid that was kinda stupid to the fucking moron of the entire school. Chris, what’s even the point of trying to do well when no matter what happens, I’ll always have that on my back? Chris, I could get straight A’s in all classes, except one, and all anyone would talk about is ‘Wow did you hear Tobin failed chem? Who’s even surprised?’ Like what’s even the point?”
“I’m sorry, Tobin. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to live with that pressure.”
“But you do. Just the other side of the spectrum, right?”
Christen’s only response is a nod, which leads Tobin to continue “That’s why we work so well together, you know?”
“How do you mean?” Christen asks.
“It’s just like. We both understand what it's like to be in that position. Of just instant judgment no matter what we do. They’re gonna paint us in whatever light they want, so why bother trying to change anything?”
Christen laughs bitterly, but Tobin was right. No matter what happened to her in high school, everyone would only ever know her as the nerd in the grade. She found that true the minute she befriended Tobin, really. She literally became best friends with the soccer superstar of the school, and still people only saw her as the girl that sits in the front row of every class.
That’s the exact reason that drew Christen to this dream of moving out west. To, like Tobin said earlier, essentially have a clean slate. No one in any of her classes- except Alex, of course- would have any idea who she is, or who she was before college.
That ideation of being a stranger to everyone she meets excites her in a way that she isn’t quite familiar with yet. She sips on the idea though, let’s her brain rummage through it and unpack the parts that intrigue her the most. It seemed that every minute that she weighed her options about moving, she changed her mind yet again.
“So can you tell me now why you acted that way? I know it’s hard, but I really think it would help us both understand each other more.”
Tobin nods, knowing that they would eventually circle back to this point. In the minutes that they’ve been talking, she unfortunately still hasn’t mustered up any courage for something of this magnitude.
Trying to ignore the situation, she looks around the cafe and sees that her friends have all grabbed a table for themselves about three rows ahead of them. Tobin groans when she sees them all look suspiciously away once she looks over at them. If talking to Christen wasn’t bad enough, she now has to do it with the knowledge that all of her closest friends are watching and counting on her to make things right. Perfect.
She maintains eye contact with them until someone finally looks back over, which doesn’t take long at all. JJ is the first to meet her eyes again, giving her a quick thumbs up and smile before Alex hits her in the shoulder and breaks their eye contact.
Tobin can’t help but roll her eyes at their actions. If there was any place that she would need all of their support, it was any situation but the present one. So, of course, this is when they would all show up with mountains upon mountains of thumbs up from thirty feet away.
“Tobin?” Christen asks to get the older girl’s attention.
“Right, sorry. What was the question?”
Christen isn’t sure if it’s the way Tobin said it, or the constant unanswered questions, but she just wants to finish the conversation at this point. It doesn’t feel that Tobin actually wants to talk- she just wants the beginning and the end result- nothing in between. And that frustrates Christen to no end.
“Tobin, I’m sorry, but if this is how the conversation is going to go, I’m done.”
“Wait-”
“No, I’m not going to wait anymore Tobin. I thought this conversation would bring us closer together, but you don’t want that. You just want me to fall back into your arms. Well, sorry to break it to you Tobin, but life isn’t that easy. You can’t just strum a few guitar chords, answer some of my questions, and hope that I forget everything that happened.”
“That’s not what-”
“Oh it’s not? Then what did you expect to happen? Because right now, this conversation doesn’t seem to be going in the direction either of us wanted.”
Tobin can only react in silence- knowing that Christen was far too right. She wanted this to go better, but question after question just left her in a state of anxiety.
“Chris, please. I’m trying my best here, I really am. It’s just. Hard. To open up in the way that you deserve. Please, please, let me just keep trying.”
The younger girl feels slightly guilty at this request- she definitely wasn’t being the most patient, at the moment. She nods to Tobin before saying, “I asked before if you could tell me why you acted that way.”
“I don’t know, Chris. I just. I had it stuck in my head that I would ruin you. If you came with us then I would ruin your life.”
“But why? Why would you think that?”
Tobin looks over at her friends before smiling softly, “Because that’s all I ever do, Chris. Look at them. Over there. They’re all smiling and laughing, but how can they be?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s so much pressure on me, Chris. They’re all following me to Cali. This has been my dream since I was a kid, but it hasn’t been theirs. I’ve talked them into it. At first, I didn’t see an issue with it, but Chris, what happens if we get out there and I fail?”
“Tobin, I love you, but you need to stop putting this on yourself. If they didn’t want to go, they wouldn’t.”
“I get that, I really do. But this wouldn’t even be an option on the table if it wasn’t for me. Like, do you get what I’m saying? If I didn’t have this plan, all of their futures would look different. And if we get out there and someone is absolutely miserable, I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Tobin-”
“No, don’t Tobin me, Chris. Seriously. If we get out there and Alex gets like. Injured her second game, what then? She’s stuck out here, away from family, away from the rest of her friends, because Tobin Heath, age nine wanted to get away from everything. That’s not fair at all.”
“What’s unfair about it, Tobin? She wants to go with you, they all do. It’s not going to be your fault if they get out there and hate it.”
“But wouldn’t it be?” Tobin genuinely questions.
Christen looks sadly at her- heart breaking with every sentence said. It hurt so much to hear how Tobin needed to put the entire weight of the world on her shoulders alone. Christen can’t help but feel the same, however. Maybe this is why they worked so well together- two sides of the same coin.
Christen’s been in Tobin’s position before- hell she basically lives rent free in it. She knows how soul crushing it can be to carry the weight of everyone else, how often she forgets herself because she’s too worried for everyone else. That’s basically her autobiography written in a summary.
But, Tobin has taught her many lessons in the short time they’ve known each other, and one of those was dropping the world off her shoulders every now and then.
“Tobin, please listen to me. I love you. They all love you. They’re going. That’s it- end of sentence. They’re not going because of you. They’re not going with you. They are just going because they want to. Because, Tobin, for every reason you have to go, I’m sure they have the exact ones.”
Tobin starts to feel herself tear up, so she sniffles and motions Christen to go on.
“Look at Alex, Tobin. You seriously can’t believe that she doesn't want to leave for the exact reasons you do. We’ve both met her family.”
“It’s different-”
“Is it though, Tobin?”
Tobin shrugs her shoulders and starts to wipe the few tears that are starting to spill over. This gestures tears on Christen’s heart strings a bit, so she moves her chair closer to her and puts her arm around her shoulders.
“I think, Tobin, that you’re just afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Of getting out there and it not being everything you dreamed of. It’s hard to dream about something for so long and then have to face the reality of all those dreams not living up.”
Tobin nods into Christen’s shoulder before letting more tears fall. She didn’t care anymore, not about crying, not about being in a public space, not any of it. Christen was right, and it was so hard to admit to it, but at the moment she just needs to sob in her arms.
“It’s okay to be scared, Tobin, it really is.” Christen whispers into her ear.
All Tobin can do is shake her head in response. It wasn’t okay to be scared- not in the slightest. She had four other people- possibly five with Christen- looking at her for answers. For answers on what to do, how to do it, and how to live life in such a drastic way than they live here. And Tobin was quite sure she didn’t have any of those answers.
“You don’t get it.”
“Then help me understand, Tobin,” Christen tells her.
“If I leave here and go there, what if everything's the same? What if life still sucks and the band doesn’t go anywhere and all we do is end up working dead end jobs? Chris, that means that I’m the problem. That this entire time, it wasn’t this place I was in. It was just me. And that just proves everyone right,” Tobin sobs out.
“But it’s not you, Tobin. I’ve seen you on stage. Tobin, you were born to do that. You were born to prove everyone wrong.”
With that sentence, Tobin lets it all out. Everything she’s been holding in for the past months starts to resurface and all she can do is hold on for dear life to Christen’s sweater. She’s been so afraid for so many months of so many things. Of letting them all down, of failing at her dreams, of not being able to adjust- everything that she thought could go wrong, she’s thought of every scenario for.
But fuck, if Christen wasn’t the calming water she needed. She’s never told anyone else these fears- she’s the strong, doesn’t-give-a-fuck type- she couldn’t let her friends know her true fears this entire time. But telling Christen? And have her not only understand, but have her calm and validate her fears- Tobin can’t help but feel like this was her first breath above water in months.
“Oh Tobin, why didn’t you tell anyone? We could have helped you. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Tobin shakes her head before saying, “I don’t want any of them to think I doubt this move.”
Christen nods in understanding before rubbing Tobin’s back and she continues to cry. She lets the older girl let it all out- god knows how long she’s been holding all of this in. Christen knows the best thing for both of them at the moment, is to just let Tobin cry. So she does just that.
She cries for the next fifteen minutes, all the while Christen does her best to be supportive. Their commotion definitely catches the eye of their friends' tables, but Christen waves them away- she knows that now would be the worst time for them to come over to their table. But, she does make a mental note to urge Tobin to talk to them about these feelings.
Tobin finally lifts her head and meets Christen’s eyes for what feels like the first time since they started this talk.
“Hi,” she meekly gets out.
“Hi, Tobin. Are you feeling better?”
Tobin nods in response before getting a sip of water. “I’m sorry I just like broke down like that.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m really glad you felt safe enough with me to do that. And Tobin, really, I’m sorry you’ve been struggling through this alone.”
Tobin shrugs her shoulders, “It’s fine. It’s stupid stuff anyway-”
“It’s not. Anything that makes you anxious like that isn’t stupid, Tobin.”
Neither of them say anything else- just enjoying the silence and each other’s company for the first time since the split.
“Well, do you think that talk was like. Good and stuff?” Tobin asks.
Christen has to hold back a laugh, “Yeah. I do. I think I understand you a lot more, you know. I appreciate you being open with me, Tobs.”
Tobin smiles at the familiar nickname before grabbing Christen’s hands and holding them in hers. “So like. Are we back together?”
“Oh, no no no. Not that easy, Heath,” Christen teasingly tells her. “I was serious before. I need stability. I need someone there for me, someone that I can trust. Is that you, Tobin?”
Tobin nods her head eagerly, with such force Christen’s afraid she’ll pull a muscle. “Yes, Chris, it is. I was totally wrong before, I was a shit head, but in this past week, I feel like I’ve learned a lot. About you. And me. And Us. And relationships-”
“As long as you know you were wrong, Tobin. And you promise you’ll never try to do anything like that in the future.”
“I promise, Chris, I swear. I-”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I really appreciate you, Tobin. But things aren’t gonna go back to normal overnight, yeah? This is a really good step for us, and I want to continue making good steps. Does that make sense?”
“Kinda?” Tobin questions.
“It’s like. I want us to be together again and ride off in the sunset, but I need trust first, you know? I need us to build that trust. I need stability from you. This is going in the right track for sure, I just don’t want us to rush back into a relationship, you know?”
Tobin nods, understanding where Christen is coming from. She still kisses her hand, knowing that she would not screw up this second chance. She was blessed with another chance at a future with Christen, and she would die before doing anything to jeopardize this.
They weren’t totally okay at the moment- but that was okay. Because now, they were both committed to being okay in the future. And for the first time in a long time, looking into the future doesn't cause Tobin intense anxiety- just immense hope for the things they’ll be able to accomplish together.