Chapter Text
Tim was absentmindedly adjusting the pillows on the couch, more focused on trying to organize his thoughts and emotions. So much had happened in the last twenty four hours, and he was finding it difficult to keep his thoughts clear. He had experienced loss before, it was a guarantee when he signed up for the army and this job, but something was different. He heard Lucy turn on the sink in the bathroom as he picked up a blanket from the coffee table to lay out. He closed his eyes, a small part of him hoping that when he opened them, this would have all been a nightmare and it would be the morning of the wedding.
But that was a different Tim, a naive and young Tim. He couldn’t be that right now, not if he wanted to find Angela and deal with Jackson’s death. A sudden memory of Jackson’s smile when they received their awards together rocked him deep in the chest. He took a steady breath, and could feel the tears gathering at the corners. He quickly wiped them away, trying to disperse the image from his mind. Lucy had turned off the water, and he knew she’d be out soon. He couldn’t lose it in front of her, not when Jackson was her best friend, and he knew she had barely begun to process this significant loss. He wanted to be there for her, to help her if he could, but he couldn’t do that if he broke down in front of her. No, he would be strong for her. And maybe that’s why this time was different, because Lucy had changed him over their year together. He might not admit that to her, but he was not the same person he was when they first got put together as training officer and rookie. When she told him she couldn’t go back to the apartment, he didn’t hesitate to offer her his place instead. He made the mistake once of telling her to go find comfort in someone else after a tough case, and it ended up with her buried alive. He would never make that mistake again. And he wanted to be close to her in case the inevitable breakdown happened sooner rather than later. He dropped onto the couch as she opened the bathroom door.
He looked at her, he let her borrow a t-shirt and sweatpants, which were clearly two sizes too big for her, the sleeves landing past her elbows and the waistband of the pants rolled a few times so she didn’t trip. He liked seeing her in his clothes, it made her look like she belonged in this new house of his. He quickly tossed the thought aside, he didn’t have the mental strength to deal with understanding why he liked seeing her this way. She was questioning why he was sitting on the couch, and he could hear how tired and drained she was. He told her he wouldn’t have his guest sleep on the couch, but she wouldn’t have it, she didn’t want to put him out of his own bed. He knew she wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep on the couch, but honestly, he doubted she’d sleep well anyplace tonight. He didn’t want to argue with her about something silly, so he gave in easily. He stood awkwardly in his living room, not sure what to do next. He asked her if she needed anything, and his heart ached when she asked for the last day back. In that moment, he knew he would’ve moved heaven and earth if he could give her this one wish.
He gave her a sad smile, “I’m sorry I don’t have that power.”
She looked at her feet, let out a small breath and quietly said “A hug?”
His mind flashed to the last time he held her in his arms, after he pulled her from the depths of a metal tin and breathed life back into her lungs. Last time he gave her comfort, it was because she had escaped death. However this time, he consoled her because he couldn’t cheat death this time, no matter how much he wished he could. His heart sped up as he met her eyes, shiny with tears she wouldn’t allow to fall, and he felt his feet move forward. She was leaning into him before he got his arms around her. He felt her forehead on his shoulder and her hand on his back, grabbing onto his shirt like she was afraid he’d disappear. His one arm wrapped full around her, and it struck him in that moment how small she really was. He gently caressed her head, whispering soothing words of “it’s ok,” into her freshly washed hair. He wanted to convey to her she could break down if she needed to, and he’d be here to catch her. He breathed in the fresh scent of his shampoo in her hair, and truly felt how close they were. He realized he could stay like this for hours and would never tire of holding her close, his cheek resting against her head, her hand settled between his shoulder blades. He knew he would always be there for her, but it was starting to settle into his mind just exactly what that meant. He could feel her shallow breaths against his chest, and his heart was racing away as he continued to think of her in his arms. He realized where his train of thought was headed, and he pulled back quicker than he meant to. To ease her, he gently ran his hands down her arms, giving them a light squeeze, as he tried to gain a little composure back. But he didn’t want to leave her, he didn’t want to be far from her. He wanted her to stay right here, in his arms, and let the rest of the world fade away. He couldn’t look at her though, he was a little embarrassed about how much he was thinking about her. He tried to stare at anything other than her dark brown eyes, eyes that he knew could see past his walls and see the real him, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for her to see how much he needed her.
He saw her lean in again, and he made the mistake of looking straight into her face. She was closer than he thought, and he caught her unaware, her eyes darting up from his lips to meet his eyes as she leaned back. He was thrown off by catching her staring at him, and his mind started running wild with different reasons as to why. And now, he was glancing at her lips, moving his hand back up her left arm, and he could feel his breath catch in his chest. It was only for a second, but he had the crazy notion of pulling her in close and kissing her. He was at a loss for words, he wasn’t thinking clearly, but he could see how easy he would be able to pull her close enough to make it happen. His stomach dropped low and his heart beat so hard it hurt, and suddenly, he needed to escape. Losing Angela and Jackson was making the world grey, and Lucy was a beacon of light to him. And like a moth to a flame, he was getting dangerously close to burning himself. He bid her a quick goodnight, and stepped around her, brushing her shoulder with his. He felt the burn all the way down his arm at the contact and practically ran to his room.
He shut the bedroom door, collapsed onto his bed, closing his eyes. He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, and tried to get his thoughts together. He tried to stop thinking about Lucy, about her being in his house and about kissing her, but when he did, he was overcome by the loss of his friends. He was trying to stay positive about Angela, but Jackson’s death was making it hard to not think the worse. He should’ve checked in on her one last time, to make sure she was calm and collected, maybe he would’ve been able to prevent this tragedy. Maybe he could’ve protected Jackson, saved him even. Tim was beginning to lose himself in a world of what ifs, his breath was becoming shallow as different scenarios of ways he could’ve saved them played out in his head. He was trying to keep his head above these emotions, but the only thing keeping him afloat was Lucy. He took in a shaky gulp of air, and opened his eyes. He felt his heart pick up speed, as his eyes glanced towards the door, and who laid on the other side. He wasn’t crazy, he knew Lucy was an attractive woman, but he never let himself think about that fact because she was his rookie. He would never undermine her integrity or training because he thought she was beautiful. But it was all different now, they were equals at work, he wasn’t her superior anymore.
He swung his legs to the ground, not fully aware he was even sitting up. He was rubbing his hands together, a small sweat gathering on his forehead as he wrestled with what to do next. He didn’t want to be alone with his despair and pain, and it all disappeared with Lucy. He wanted her beside him in his bed, the realization hit him like a smack to the head. He wanted her in his arms, her head tucked under his, each holding the darkness at bay for each other. And he wanted to kiss her, bad. He wanted to comfort her and be comforted by her. He was up and walking to the door, throwing caution to the wind. They were adults, and could talk about it in the morning, but he didn’t want to feel alone anymore. His hand was on the doorknob when his phone rang.
He jumped at the sound, took a glance at the door, before reaching for his phone on the nightstand. When he saw it was Wesley he answered, unsure what news he had. When he heard him say that he had Angela’s location, he ripped the door open to get Lucy. She seemed startled when he rounded the corner, but when he told her they had located Angela, she jumped out of bed and started gathering her clothes. He looked at her, and his thoughts from earlier were still swimming around, but he pushed them away. He’d deal with those at another time, right now all he could think about was getting his best friend back.