Chapter Text

Secret Garden

Book One : Cottesbrooke Hall

9. The Ball

The water of the bath had long run cold. Outside, the lowering sun painted the sky with warm orange and the clouds in light pink. Ainosuke spaced out for a while, staring at this stunning colour palette, a work of art of nature itself, way past the time he should have gotten ready.

Edmond knocked on the door. 

“Young Master? Do you need any assistance?”

“No,” Ainosuke replied; he had asked not to be disturbed, but in truth he had just wanted - needed - to be alone, especially today. 

Edmond still stood at the door. “May I remind you that your aunts have been expecting you for half an hour?” 

Ainosuke closed his eyes and reclined on the end of the bathtub. If he wanted, he could still feel Tadashi’s hands on his skull, playing with his hair. A shiver ran down his spine. “I know.”

“You still have to get dressed.” There’s a pregnant pose. Both knew Ainosuke couldn’t do that on his own. “I shall wait until you’re fully ready.”

Ainosuke let out a frustrated sigh that he hoped had passed unnoticed; Edmond had nothing to do with his misery.

“I’m coming.” He announced, before he got out of the bathtub.

Tonight he would wear a brand new suit, which was bought especially for the occasion - tailored, of course. Tonight he would meet half the nobility of the area, young ladies wearing dresses for the first time as well, and which would never be worn again the moment they would come back home. Balls were such a waste of time and money. This one was no exception.

“You’re looking more and more like your father every day,” Edmond said as he adjusted his cravat. AInosuke turned seventeen the week before. He had grown into a man but still bore a babyface. “It’s a shame he couldn’t make it for today.”

That was one quality his father had that Ainosuke envied him: he had an eye for unnecessary events, and had no trouble declining an invitation. If only Ainosuke could do the same. “My father has the decency never to attempt any kind of balls, Edmond; he’d rather spend all his evening in the smoking-room, converting his pairs to those Chinese games he’s so fond of.”

“Your aunts held this ball in your honour. May I suggest that you at least behave with all the politeness you possess, if not with enthusiasm?”

“ My honour? Don’t make me laugh. We all know who is trying to impress.”

But Ainosuke had been raised to be a good boy, always; his arms burnt just at the mere thought of misbehaving.

Standing in front of the veranda, Ainosuke watched the first guests arriving, getting off their carriage to pass under the rose arch. At the front gate, Tadashi awaited, and welcomed them inside.

Ainosuke hid his frustration in the core of his fists and joined the rest of the assembly in the ballroom. 

“Oh! There you are!” Said the oldest aunt; her eyes conveyed the ‘Finally’ she didn’t dare to share aloud in front of so many guests. “Miss Elliot, may I introduce you to my nephew, Shindo Ainosuke.”

Half an hour later Ainosuke had politely saluted at least twenty new faces and was not halfway done; his aunts really went all out and invited the whole duchy. He couldn’t remember a single name, except perhaps the one of Miss Margaret, who was in fact not that pretty. There was not a minute to breathe, each time a lady finally had the decency to step away, another took her place, and so on, and so on. Ainosuke quickly shoved a glance at the entrance door to see if more people were coming, but no; Tadashi stood at the door, straight as an arrow, even when he had no one to take care of.

Their eyes met. Tadashi looked away.

“Oh, Miss Lemon! Come here, Ainosuke, this is-” And all Ainosuke heard was some rubbish ‘blah blah blah, his cheeks reddened by the fleeting glance Tadashi gave him. Could he already be showing signs of weakness? Could he feel, or hear, Ainosuke’s despair? Ainosuke had been smiling so much and so forcefully that the corner of his lips started to hurt.

Another miss Lemon - or was it Miss Throne? - bowed in front of him and introduced her progeniture, tied up with laces and a corset visibly not made to let any poor girl breathe without herculean pain, if not at all. Being a woman was a curse Ainosuke could not envy; even if after a second thought, it would have made some aspect of his life easier - but even then, what were the chances that he could have had a happy life with Tadashi? Practically none.

Exhausted by the attention he got and by the one he had not, from the only person who truly mattered, Ainosuke excused himself and fled in the back of the room. Looking up at their antique clock, he clung to his last ray of hope: if by ten o’clock, his guests had not arrived, then the ball would have truly been a failure. 

A couple of minutes later a young lady had the same idea - or necessity - to escape from her mother’s schemes. Her name was Elinor. She was so young and so shy that she couldn’t meet his eyes, as she had recognized him - they had been introduced earlier in the night, Ainosuke had already forgotten though - and couldn’t align two words, paralyzed by the gap between their family status. With infinite patience, and because it was way more relaxing than avoiding meeting any new faces he didn’t know already, Ainosuke managed to make Elinor feel at ease and learned she had many talents but was certainly too humble about them. She had an older sister, Catherine, who came to the ball as well, and who was brighter, who played the piano so well, and who was so handsome that there was no room to compete. There was, it seemed, nothing worse than being a second daughter when the firstborn already had everything a father could ask for. From his analysis, Ainosuke figured Elinor was like a bud that refused to bloom, persuaded that her flower would never be as beautiful and cared about as her sister’s. What a waste of potential. She could even be the prettiest if she put any effort into her toilette, but even so, her mother did not let her have the chance.

He was about to voice his disagreement with the way Elinor was raised, most probably with strong and rude words that would have made the poor maiden blush, when Ainosuke’s attention was wrapped by some racket happening at the front door: two people were in the middle of an argument, and even from the back of the ballroom he recognized Tadashi’s voice - when did he ever talk so loud? As he excused himself from Elinor’s refreshing presence, Ainosuke spent a glance at the clock again; it was close to ten, it was not too late for them.

He couldn’t help but grin when approached the entrance hall.

“I tell you! We’re Ainosuke’s friends from London!”

“You would excuse me, but Ainosuke sama has no friend from London,” Tadashi replied, and for the first time in ages, Tadashi did not try to hide his annoyance. He was even frowning! Ainosuke would have gladly mocked him if he hadn’t been so far away, and also because it didn’t seem fair when Tadashi had elegantly omitted to say that Ainosuke, to the extent of his knowledge, had no friend at all .

Soon Ainosuke joined them at the door. Oh, god, they truly made it!

“They aren’t,” Ainosuke said to Tadashi, not looking at him but at Kojiro and Kaoru - how not to when Kaoru was wearing a dress and a corset! He probably lost a bet again. “They are my friends from Bath !”

Tadashi raised an eyebrow, his eyes slowly going from the improbable pair to his master. “Bath?” He repeated, incredulously.

“Yes, Bath. The town I go to when you abandon me during winter.” Ainosuke retorted. 

“But they said they’re from London.”

“We are,” Kojiro said. “We moved.”

“You moved?” Tadashi said, in a tone which indicated he did not believe their story - which was indeed very true!

“People move Tadashi, that's what they do. You were not born in Cottesbrooke Hall, were you? You served another place before coming here, or so I’ve heard.”

Ainosuke waited for Tadashi to meet his gaze, and was not disappointed - he didn’t know what was the best, the anger, the surprise, or deceit. 

“So you are his friends from Bath.” Tadashi finally acknowledged. “Who recently moved to London.”

“Absolutely,” Kojiro confirmed, then winked at Ainosuke.

What was the most hilarious about the whole scene was probably Kaoru, who on top of his attire, held a fan in front of his mouth and a masquerade ball covering his eyes to complete his costume, and was trying very hard not to laugh or make a sound that would betray his sex a bit too soon.

“And your name…”

“Smith. Joe Smith. And this is my wife, Carla.”

Ainosuke had to bite the inside of his cheek so as not to laugh. Of course, Kaoru did not let this affront go unpunished and stepped hard on Kojiro’s foot.

“She’s Italian, and doesn’t understand nor speak our beautiful language.”

“Oh, I see. Very inconvenient .”

Tadashi most likely saw right through them, yet oddly, had not shoved them away from the estate. Was he conflicted? Could he see this was Ainosuke’s doing and was inclined to respect his caprice, as to redeem himself from, well, everything?

“Well, you’re not going to let Mister and Miss Smith outside, are you, Tadashi? Come, dear friends! I’ll show you around.”

Ainosuke took Kaoru by the arm, and as soon as the trio was out of Tadashi’s sight - Ainosuke didn’t dare to look, but he must have been glaring - they ran to the end of an empty corridor, their laughs passing unnoticed by the rest of guests, who were too busy listening to the sound of their own voice.

“I can’t believe you made it!” Ainosuke was beaming. “I was not even sure my letter made it on time!”

“Well, I have to confess the timing was not the easiest part of the plan. That explains Kaoru’s terrible dress.”

As a payback, Kaoru hit Kojiro’s head with his fan.

“Why do I have to be the one to dress like a woman?”

“Because you’re the most petite one! Look at my shoulders, no one would believe I’m a woman.”

“You know better than I that part of acting is in attitude, and you’re better at this than I am!”

“You lost the bet!”

“So you say! But it’s easy when you choose the game each time!”

“Stop whining! You sound like a kid.”

They were about to start a fight when AInosuke, tears in his eyes, stopped them from making more racket than necessary. “You have no idea how thankful I am to see you tonight. You are literally my life saviours. I was going to rot down there.”

“Judging by the block of ice that guards your door, I can only imagine the hell your life must be,” Kaoru said. Ainosuke looked away, hoping the darkness would hide his vibrant blush; if only they knew. “Does that man know how to smile?”

Oh, he did. “Barely,” Ainosuke replied. “But let’s not talk about that. I promised a tour, haven’t I?”

Too happy to have the topic of Tadashi dropped without any resistance, Ainosuke trotted up the stairs to show them the first floor. They stayed the longest in the library, of course, and Ainosuke even allowed them to take a book or two, hidden under Kaoru’s dress.

“Can I take this one too?”

Ainosuke sucked on a breath. It was Tadashi’s copy of Romeo and Juliet. He knew, because there was a mud stain on the cover.

“...no, you shan’t.”

“Oh? Thought no one would miss it, considering how dirty it is-”

Ainosuke took the book from Kaoru’s hand. “It stays here.” He murmured.

Kaoru was about to ask for more details, but Kojiro’s hand on his shoulder made him backpedal. “Okay, fine, whatever you want.”

The air got thick for a minute before Kojiro got bored of staring at books.

“What’s upstairs?”

“My father’s office. He’s got quite a collection of very weird stuff he brings back from Singapore. Shall we proceed there?”

No one truly cared about what was inside the office, but everyone needed a reason to escape this place, or the latest conversation; and with different goals in mind, the three of them walked upstairs, careful not to arouse attention, for the last floor was forbidden to most of the household - even Tadashi wasn’t allowed to come here.

By chance, the maids and butlers were too busy in the kitchens or the ballroom, serving their guests, to be wandering here at this hour of the night. Since Aiichiro would not be back for a couple of months on top of that, there was no need for anyone to be here in the first place.

Ainosuke walked straight to his father’s office; but as soon as he opened the door, he noticed no one was following him. A little bit further his two friends had halted, their attention drawn by a painting on the wall.

“Who’s that?” Kojiro asked.

Ainosuke did not have to come closer to know the answer but he did anyway. He hadn’t seen her face in a while. 

“My mother.”

The painting was immense, two metres high, in typical oil painting style from the XVIIIe century. Ainosuke's mother was sixteen at that time, the day of her wedding. Her dress was light blue, just like her eyes, and the painting displayed her sitting on a chair with her hands on her lap, her gaze staring at nowhere, empty of life. Yet her apparent boredom was hypnotising. 

“She’s beautiful…” Kojiro breathed before Kaoru hit his biceps. “What? Can’t I even share an opinion now? I have one rule and it’s to never touch a friend’s mother, and you know that.”

But his excuses only made Kaoru glare harder.

Ainosuke shut them up on the spot. “She’s dead.” He said, and he waited a couple of heartbeats to properly enjoy the way his two friends gasped in unison. “But I doubt you would have been her style, honestly.” 

The shock worked for a while until what’s bred in the bones came back in the flesh.

“...See! I told you to keep quiet about it!” Kaoru muttered.

“Oh, come on! How could I remember his mother was dead!? He might have not even told us!”

“Of course he did! And how many of our friends have lost their parents already? Might assume no one we know has one relative alive, it’ll be safer next time, before you ruin yet another friendship.”

“For the Queen’s sake, Kaoru!” Kojiro retorted, “Adam’s not a cute little fragile thing like you, who cannot fall asleep without a lullaby!”

Kaoru gasped, his fan fell on the floor. “You swore on the Queen’s life! How dare you!? Monster! Stupid gorilla!” He took off one of his shoes to throw at Kojiro’s face, who promptly ran away. “Come back here! Fight me like a man!”

Ainosuke had a second to laugh before they were interrupted by a handful of maids who, alerted by the noise coming from the second floor, came to have a look. A good intuition indeed, but which put an end to their short respite.

Ainosuke escorted Kojiro and Kaoru as quietly as humanly possible - which was kind of a failure considering they were still throwing each other’s names Ainosuke had never heard before, but which sounded pretty rude, even for friends - to the nearest window.

“Climb down and hide in the rose bushes.” He hushed. “The gardener is busy inside so it’s safe, no one will chase after you there.”

“Will you come back for us?” Kaoru asked.

“Because we don’t have enough to pay for the ride back, just for you know.”

“Kojiro! Would you please shut up for just a minute!”

“Of course I will! Wait for me!” AInosuke looked behind; a maid was coming his way. “Now I need to go. I’ll see you in a bit.”

And in the blink of an eye, Ainosuke found himself at the same spot in front of his mother’s portrait when Maria, the head maid of Cottesbrooke Hall, accosted him.

“Oh! Young Master, it is you.” She said, a hand on her chest. 

Her eyes too were soon caught by the painting; inside them, Ainosuke easily guessed a sort of grief, or rather nostalgia. 

“May I share a word with you, my lord?”

Maria held a special place in Ainosuke’s heart, and he cared for her more than for the rest of the household - Tadashi was another story, and he did not bear the same kind of love for him as for the servant who had been taking care of him since his birth like Maria did. Ainosuke didn’t remember her face, but her touch and scent were linked with something at the core of his existence. Something his brain had forgotten, but not his skin. 

She also had been the first to nurse him when he fell ill before Tadashi cured him. Her affection for him did not waver with time. 

“You may, Maria, always.”

“I may not have told you, but I was your mother’s head maid before she passed away. I have been at her service since she was old enough to wear a dress. You probably don’t remember, but I helped her raise you before you left with your aunt. You were such a sweet boy.”

Her words were warm of memories of voices, of touch, of the smell of fresh and soft cotton towels around his baby face. It had been his mother, and it had been Maria. The only legacy of his past, along with this place. AInosuke would never look at her the same.

“Tonight reminds me of her first ball. We sewed her dress together, I remember.” Maria looked down, her hand grasping the opposite arm to prevent her from feeling the pain, but in vain. Her smile transpired sadness. Happy memories leave a sour taste behind when they are too much in the past, unattainable. “She was so beautiful that day. Oh! I’ve got an idea!” And then, her eyes shone with malice, as if some part of her past had revived. “Come with me.”

In dire need of an excuse not to attempt his own ball, Ainosuke followed Maria more than willingly to a place where he never set foot in since he came back: his mother’s room.

The place was just as dead as her. A bedroom frozen in time, old fashion furniture covered with white sheets and dust. By the time Ainosuke dared to take a couple of steps inside and sneezed twice, Maria was already opening a chest. “There!” and took a dress out of the pile of clothes that had not been worn in almost twelve years.

The dress was not beautiful. Ainosuke had too much sense of esthetic to say it was, even if it had belonged to his beloved mother. But as Maria said, it was probably handmade and had then more value than all the dresses downstairs combined. It was purple with laces on the chest and the sleeves. Warm and comfortable, like his mother.

Sitting on the bed, Maria stared at the dress and magically looked twelve years younger. It was the first time Ainosuke saw her smiling like this.

Reminiscence of happy memories always makes people more beautiful.

“She was not the most elegant or refined lady that night,” she said with an emotion Ainosuke believed only a mother could have. “But for me that night, she was the prettiest girl of all. And she will always be, in my heart.”

Touched by the incurable sorrow they shared, Ainosuke joined Maria on the bed, and if he did not hug her - my! the Lord hugging one of the maids! Imagine his aunts’ fury! He could only get mixed up with one member of the household at a time! - he offered her a warm hand on her frail shoulder and heard her cry without judgement.

“You should come back downstairs.”She said when the tears had barely had time to dry. “People are expecting you.”

“And I give no cure to their expectation. I will do what my heart commands.”

Maria smiled tenderly. “It is very wise, but also very brave. I wish you all the luck.” She let go of the dress reluctantly and put it back in the chest. “My time has passed. If you would excuse me, my lord.”

With her departure, Maria left an odd atmosphere behind her, that Ainosuke was too shy to disturb. He followed her steps a minute later. His feet brought him back to his mother’s portrait, and to Kaoru’s masquerade ball that he must have dropped in his flee.

If his heart wanted nothing more than to go to the garden to return the mask to its owner, Ainosuke knew it would be an affront none of his aunt, even the nicest, would forgive him. Disappearing from his own ball when it was supposed to be the peak of their restored glory was out of the question unless he wanted to suffer from the repercussions for the rest of his life.

Not to add that going out to the gardens implied passing by the front gate, where Tadashi was. Ainosuke didn’t know what to think about that, not when his heart was so full of grief, of a traumatism he didn’t know he had suffered from, since he had been so young when his mother fell ill. To think that without her portrait, he wouldn’t be able to remember her face. Facing Tadashi was out of the question when he felt so weak; the second their eyes would meet, Ainosuke was certain he would do something stupid, like talking to him, and silently asking for the affection he’d been lacking all this time.

Having no other choice left, Ainosuke reluctantly tore his eyes away from his mother’s portrait and got back to the ballroom. Even from the top of the stairs, he could hear the music, and people laughing. Young ladies of noble blood in imposing, long dresses, timidly looking in the crowd for a partner to dance with, hoping to meet with his vibrant red gaze and stole his breath away. How foolish. As if it was ever going to happen.

Even now, even when he was still so angry at Tadashi, Ainosuke couldn’t imagine loving someone else, or even pretending to. To the first lady who would ask for a dance, he would have to reply, as amiably as possible, ‘I will never love you. And I will never give you children.’ Perhaps one day he could find the rare gem, who would understand and never tell a word about his quirk to the rest of the world not to lose her noble status, but his heart was too young, pure, and enamoured, to willingly renounce to the possibility of having an affair with Tadashi, no matter the kind, no matter how long it lasted. This was, at the moment, the only thing that kept him sane.

Loving someone else felt wrong. Dancing with someone else was no better. He didn’t want to go down there, that was utterly beyond him. Just standing on the verge of the stairs turned his stomach upside down.

That’s when Ainosuke noticed the light in the library. There was of course no chimney with all the books but they used gas lamps, which still could be dangerous if forgotten all night. Could they have forgotten to turn it off before they went to the second floor?

The answer was not what Ainosuke had expected; secured on the sofa, her shoes off and feet resting on the ottoman, was Elinor, reading tranquilly.

She dropped the book as soon as the door opened, and hurried to get back on her bare feet. Ainosuke was as much troubled as she was, and stared for a while before taking a step in. On the other side of the room, Elinor’s face was as red as the carpet, and her mouth was firmly shut out of embarrassment.

“...What are you reading?” Ainosuke eventually said. Making conversation was still better than going back to the ballroom anyway.

“Oh. Hm…” Caught off guard, Elinor forgot about the title, and had to pick up the book from where it fell. “‘ The adventure of Odolpho.’ It is, hm, a novel.”

“A novel?”

“Yes...I like reading novels.” She confessed, half ashamed, half relieved to have someone else to confide in. Which did not surprise Ainosuke in the least, since he had been told countless times by his aunts and father that every noble young lady who aimed to elevate society should not read anything but essays and poetry. But who had time to read Kant these days?

Yet here was Elinor, hiding and reading in secret when she should be dancing like all the girls of her age. Ainosuke suddenly felt very fond of her and of their similitude, and thought that if they did not end up being friends, he could at least make an ally out of her. 

“I am utterly sorry, you must find me extremely rude not to take part in the ball you so kindly invited us to. We are a noble family with no fortune, as you must know,” No he didn’t, and didn’t care, “I’ll return to the ballroom at once. Could you please not say a word to my mother, and not make my older sister accountable for my bad behaviour?”

Ainosuke found her suddenly more chatty now that she wanted to protect her family. “As far as I’m concerned, except for your choice of reading you are not doing anything wrong.” Elinor blushed at his remark. “You can stay here as long as you wish.”

He was about to leave, a hand on the door, when an idea came to his mind.

“Would you mind saying I spent the night with you here?” To that, of course, poor Elinor blushed even more, “It’s a fitting win-win deal, don’t you agree?”

She didn’t have to know what his plans were. Remembering one of Kojiro’s flirting tricks, Ainosuke winked at her and closed the door behind, leaving poor Elinor at a loss of what to think of his character.

With his new alibi, Ainosuke was now free to do as he pleased, and thought he could join Kaoru and Kojiro to the garden without passing by the ballroom but rather, by using the same window his friends previously escaped by. Yet his steps were heavy when he climbed up the stairs once more, and as he passed by his mother’s portrait, he couldn’t help but feel sullen. Tonight was just too much for him, and there was more than one reason to be upset, yet Ainosuke was annoyed at his inability to figure out what exactly put him in such a gloomy mood.

It started when he watched Maria cry.

Since he’d been in his mother’s room he hadn’t had the heart to rejoice. It was not at peace; people were having fun downstairs, in her own house, and she could not - never again, she was dead, long gone, so much Ainosuke barely remembered her face.

This was perhaps the origin of his trouble. Shaken by Maria’s sadness, Ainosuke was ashamed of how little he knew about his own blood. His father barely spoke about her, and his aunts were far worse, and spent a lot of energy trying to erase any traces of her existence.

A second look in her bedroom wouldn’t hurt, would it? 

The room was still in the dark. Without Maria at his side, penetrating inside felt wrong in a way, for it had been a woman’s secret place once, and had been frozen in time since his mother died. Ainosuke closed the door behind him. The air smelt terrible, as expected from a room that was poorly aerated. There were a couple of white sheets, covering furniture, that Ainosuke promptly took off.

A desk, a cabinet, a dressing table. The chest with his mother’s clothes. All her belongings survived her.

Curiosity got the best of him; unphased by the possible wrath he would have suffered from his mother if she had been alive, since he couldn’t even remember what her voice sounded like, Ainosuke sat in front of her desk and opened the drawer one by one. Inside he found correspondence, everything needed to write letters, to comb her hair, a couple of wigs, makeup, and in the last drawer,  photographs.

Ainosuke had already seen a couple of ones and had instantaneously been intrigued by the technology behind it - he had asked his father to explain how this sort of sorcery worked, but unfortunately, it seemed Aiichiro couldn’t care less about Science; a real tragedy. This one must have been one of the first taken, because, well, his mother was still alive, and so young. She was wearing the dress from the ball, the one they sewed together with Maria, and just next to her was his father.

They looked so austere. Almost unhappy - but with a sort of dignified attitude, that he hadn’t known his mother shared with his father. Did they meet at a ball? Her first one? Maria didn’t make any comment about it, but perhaps it was true. Weren’t balls’ goals to make a good marriage after all?  

She looked beautiful. Even without a smile illuminating her face. And she was so tall! Almost as much as his father with her heels! Who could have thought, for a woman, to be this imposing yet so refined?

Maria had been right, and Ainosuke didn’t need to look at other pictures to know she must have been the most beautiful lady that night, and his father must have known as well. She kept the picture with her. A fragment of the past, always with her.

Ainosuke put it back in the drawer, where it belonged. It was her mother’s treasure after all.

But the one where she was holding a baby in her arms, this one he kept, and he tried to ignore the tears forming in the corner of his eyes. Was it silly to feel so moved by a time he couldn’t even remember? Were all the important moments of his life doomed to disappear from his memory as time passed?

Suddenly he realized he had no picture of Tadashi, or Tadashi of him. But who would accept taking a picture of a Lord and his gardener? Their feelings, like the rest, would dissolve into the rest of his existence, as Ainosuke would grow up and meet more people when he’d be of age, and Tadashi would remain in the Hall, to take care of the gardens, probably until the day he died.

Unlike his parents, they could never pretend to meet for the first time at a stranger’s ball and fell in love while dancing the waltz. They would never dance together at all.

They were not even given the right to a simple photograph.

Life was so unfair. If it had been any different...if he had been born a girl…if he had…

...But what if he was? Just for one night?

Ainosuke reclined on the chair for a minute, considering the folly of what he was about to do. This was purely insane, but it also sounded so right.

Guided by his mother’s benevolence, Ainosuke ran back to back to the library; hopefully, Elinor was still in there, stubbornly reading her bad novel when she was surrounded by work of art. 

“...This may sound a bit bizarre , but can I borrow your cape?” He asked. It’s not like she would need it here anyway.

After Elinor agreed to his scheme he came back to his mother’s room and undressed. From there, Ainosuke worked as best as he could.

The dress of course did not fit perfectly, but Elinor’s cape hid his back and arms, and hopefully the dress was long enough to cover his flat shoes. The wig, the fan, a bit of old makeup and Kaoru’s mask completed the ruse. Ainosuke was no more; in front of the mirror stood an elegant lady to whoever would not be paying too much attention, just another one in the crowd.

It was far from being perfect, but Ainosuke was desperate to do something, to be someone else. To escape from his reality.

He went down the stairs as silently as he could and joined the ballroom. People were dancing the quadrille in groups. Immediately he got swooped by one of the unmatched guests, and everything spiralled from there.

It was so fun! 

People were dancing, laughing, spinning him around, and barely talking but to compliment his hair! How foolish they all were! Ainosuke was careful not to laugh and to hide his face under the mask. People behaved differently than when they knew who he was. It was refreshing, and everything he expected.

Ainosuke couldn’t help but worry though; how would Tadashi react? Would he recognize him on the spot? A part of him wished he was in love enough to do so, yet the other one hoped to dupe Tadashi as well, to take advantage of the situation and steal a dance out of him. No one would dare to arrive at this late hour, Tadashi was free of duty - even if he definitely did not appear to be, but did he ever look out of labour? - and free of a partner. 

Another gentleman asked for the next dance, and another, and just like that half an hour passed in the blink of an eye, a time filled with so much fun that Ainosuke forgot about his hidden agenda for a while.

But by the end of the next song, through spinning and spinning again with different partners, Ainosuke had reached the other side of the room. Which was, fatally, near the entrance door, where Tadashi was watching him very closely.

A blush flushed on his face. He didn’t look too pleased about his presence. Did he figure him out already? Was his disguise a failure? If so, how come no one told him already?

Ainosuke tried not to stare too much as to not to attract his attention. From the corner of his eyes, he still caught Tadashi going through a list and asking a few questions to their butler. It seemed like he did not recognize him.

Which also meant he did not recognize her .

How foolish of him! Of course! Tadashi had welcomed all the guests inside! He would have remembered letting such a tall lady in, and wearing a mask, on top of that!

She was an intruder in their mansion!

Ainosuke had to get out of here and fast. If he did not fear confronting Tadashi one to one, he could not cause a scene inside the mansion. That would be an unprecedented scandal in the family, and God knew they had known many. He needed to lure him upstairs.

“Excuse me, my lady."

But it was too late. Tadashi was already at his side before Ainosuke could blink, and in a self-preservation reflex, he turned his heels and fled to the kitchens.

“Wait!”

Ainosuke ran faster, his heart pounding in his chest, exited the mansion by the first door he found and headed toward the gardens. He was unaware, at the moment, that he was leading Tadashi to the friends he was trying to hide; perhaps he thought at the back of his mind that they were his only saving grace, or that the scent of roses would calm his nerves. 

“Stop! This is a private ball-” Tadashi quickly caught him by the wrist, the dress making it impossible to run properly, “And how did you know where the exit was?”

Unbalanced by Tadashi’s hold, Ainosuke tripped and fell on the grass, and dropped the masquerade mask in the process. His face was now bare, deprived of its armour.

But Tadashi would have recognized his eyes even in the darkness, even without it.

“Ainosuke sama?!”

Tadashi froze as he pronounced the name, hushed in a murmur of disbelief. On the floor, Ainosuke was mortified, it was the worst way to reveal his not so clever subterfuge. He was angry, at Tadashi, and mostly at himself.

Despite the shock, Tadashi offered him a helping hand. He had never seemed so puzzled, and his prolonged silence drove Ainosuke mad.

“What!? Don’t you have something clever to say?” He provoked him. As soon as he was on his feet he took a couple of steps back. “Say it! That I’m disgusting! A complete freak!”

“Ainosuke sama…”

“I can see it! You’re judging me! When I thought you were the one who understood me the most!” Fist clenched at his side, Ainosuke’s eyes were filled with burning anger and a hint of despair. “You find me pathetic, I have no doubt about that.”

“Of course not. Ainosuke sama, please,” Tadashi took a step forward, carefully, as if he were trying to tame a wild animal, “I am simply worried about your safety. What you did, no matter the reasons, is very imprudent. If it had been anyone but me, things for you and your family would take a different turn. There are some wrongs that are nearly impossible to erase.”

Wrongs ? “No matter the reason?” Ainosuke repeated, outraged and hurt.

“I am begging you, do not aggravate your case any further. The prizes at stake are not worth your reputation. I’ll make sure that you’ll go back into your room discreetly so you can change and go back to the ball; your absence has been commented on enough already.”

“But I don’t care about all that! I don’t care about the ball or my reputation! I don’t care about anything else but you!” Ainosuke shouted, out of frustration. “Everything I did, I did it for you! Because I wanted to have a dance with you!”

Tadashi sucked on a breath, then looked down. The darkness prevented Ainosuke to see if he was flustered by the reveal, or if he didn’t care. 

“I wanted, just for one night, to pretend we could...that we could be together. To dance hidden in the crowd in front of everyone’s eyes without causing a scandal. I wanted something normal. I’m tired of this. I don’t know how to love you without feeling miserable.” Ainosuke sobbed. He brushed the tears away. “I don’t know how to tell you that it’s not going to go away just because you decided it’s not reasonable. I love you. This won’t change anytime soon. And it is so frustrating knowing that you love me too.”

In front of him, Tadashi advanced toward him, and in reflex Ainosuke took another step back. “No! Don’t touch me! Not if you’re not-”

Then, Tadashi took him in his embrace, and it was Ainosuke’s turn to keep silent.

“I am sorry. I never wanted you to be miserable, especially because of me. There are not a lot of things I would not do for your happiness, even sacrificing my own heart for your safety, but I see it was a mistake. Ainosuke, you know I am not worthy of your attention.”

“Nonsense!” Ainosuke contested, “You are the only person who matters to me.” He rested his head against Tadashi’s, enjoying the rare physical proximity they were gifted with. His cheeks were so warm.

“But I am a gardener, I have nothing to offer but my humble service. We would never be able to live happily in the light. The best I can offer is the promise to stay by your side as long as you would have me.”

Touched by his words, Ainosuke held him tighter. “But we’ll be together.”

“As long as you live in the Hall, I guess so.”

“But you’ll follow me if I have to move, won’t you?”

“As long as there’s a garden to take care of, and as long as your father agrees.” Tadashi’s hand came to his waist. “But I’ll have to come here, to look after your mother’s garden.”

“No.” And even with his face hidden in Tadashi’s embrace, Ainosuke heard him frown, “It’s not my mother’s garden, not anymore. It’s our secret garden.”

Tadashi chuckled softly. “If you say so, Ainosuke sama. We’ll have to come back to take care of our secret garden then.”

Ainosuke nodded and rested his face on the crook of Tadashi’s neck. They stayed like that for a while, smoothed by the nocturnal life of the gardens and the constant chatter from the mansion. In the darkness, it was like everyone had forgotten about them. As if they were hugging each other in their own world.

It felt so good. Tadashi’s warmth, his scent, his body, solid, enveloping his own, protecting him from all the harm of the world with all the love he possessed. Ainosuke was intoxicated by this comfort. 

They stayed like that for a while until they heard distinct voices, wondering aloud where the young master had escaped. Time was slipping through their fingers.

“You need to go back,” Tadashi said softly.

“I know.” Yet Ainosuke did not move, but rather wrapped his arms behind Tadashi’s back. “I don’t want to. I want to stay in your arms forever. And we didn’t have the time to dance!”

“But we danced together yesterday, didn’t we?” Tadashi broke their embrace, but as to apologize for his cruelty, his hand caressed Ainosuke’s cheek. “And we won’t have any other opportunities if you stubbornly refuse to play your part.”

Ainosuke turned his face to the side, to show his disapproval, and to hide a vibrant blush.

Footsteps were coming their way. “Don’t forget to take off the wig and makeup.” Tadashi ran his thumb on Ainosuke’s lower lip, which was bright red, just like his eyes. “Besides, I like you better without it.”

They were, truly, in their own world. AInosuke only felt the softness of Tadashi’s hand on his face, and his lips burning with desire. Their closeness made him dizzy, and uncaring about anything else but the reality of Tadashi’s arm on the small of his back, and the weight of his loving gaze on him. For the first time since he knew his feelings were requited, Ainosuke witnessed just how much Tadashi loved him back. As if he had dropped the mask in front of Ainosuke’s vulnerability, the same moment Ainosuke had dropped his in the fall.

Suddenly, Ainosuke realized this might be it. His only chance. What insurance did he have that Tadashi would not change his mind again? That he would run away and break his promise? This was the moment. There would be no other. He could feel it in his bones - he held Tadashi by his vest and rose on his tiptoes - and nothing could stop him from kissing him, and painting Tadashi’s lips, promised to him, with vibrant red.

Something fell on the grass. Something made of glass, which broke with the impact. Tadashi turned around, horror on his face, hopefully hidden in the dark. Lost in each other’s gaze, they had forgotten about the rest of the world.

In front of them stood a maid. 

Her hands were in front of her mouth, covering her muffled gasp. As soon as Ainosuke saw her, he ran away, hiding in the rose bushes. His heart beat so fast in his chest that he was close to throwing up.

He still heard Tadashi say, “Pardon me, Madam, I have conducted myself very miserably. I should not have taken advantage of one of our innocent guests. Please, for her honour and the love of her family, do not…” But all this talk was pointless . 

It was Maria.

Maria saw them almost kissing.

And she recognized the dress she made so many years ago. That’s why she gasped, why she couldn’t help but drop her lamp. She would know the woman was not a guest. And who could have worn his dead mother’s dress but Ainosuke himself?

It was over. Everything was over, she would talk, and they would both go to jail, and Tadashi would probably die there.

How foolish! It was everything Tadashi had warned him against!

Hidden under the rose bush, Ainosuke tried to catch his breath, but the situation was so desperate he couldn’t help but hyperventilate. What was going to happen to them? He kept saying he didn’t care to be found out but the truth was not as glorious as that. Ainosuke was human. He was scared of prison and death; he had been well raised after all.

“Hey,” 

Ainosuke jumped; knelt next to him were Kaoru and Kojiro, half amused, half worried in front of what they’d just witnessed.

“Are you alright?” Kaoru asked.

“You can see he’s not!” Kojiro hushed him. 

But unfortunately, Ainosuke was in no condition to speak. His mouth remained shut until the early morning, worried sick about what had happened to Tadashi after he had gone.