Chapter Text
The sound of my alarm ringing woke me up from my slumber. Turning it off, I sighed. It seems like sleep has avoided me again tonight.
If it was my mind or my heart that couldn't sleep, I do not know. But every anniversary of Porsche's.. death, I find myself with no sleep. Standing up, I walked towards the shower. Even the mansion's mood seems to be somber. Well, everyone knew not to bother me today. Even Khun doesn't.
After hearing the news about the accident from one of the men, Khun and I went to the crime scene and were told that one of the victims was rushed. However, when we got there, we were led to one of the burnt bodies. They said that after the taxi collided, it subsequently burst into flames. The rescuers had a hard time pulling out the victims, as aside from the accident that Porsche was involved in, there was also another one on another road.
Ché was inconsolable after seeing Porsche.
My father told Ché that from now on, the Theerapanyakun will take care of him.
'Who cares?!' Ché replied. 'My brother and I were living peacefully! We may be poor but at least we're safe! You took my brother away from me!' He then turned to me, 'And you! You, I don't know what I should say to you, this is all your fault!'
And he was right.
During that time, I selfishly considered my feelings, I kept my distance from Porsche due to my confusion with Tawan's return. Meanwhile, Porsche accepted his feelings towards me wholeheartedly, and was brave enough to say that he loves me. I remember looking at Ché guiltily, as I have no answer for him, I know in my heart all the things he was accusing me of were true.
After that, Kim had taken Ché away from the country to heal, only visiting every year, on Porsche's birthday.
I, on the other hand made sure to make myself scarce during that day.
'He has forgiven you, you know,' Kim said through the phone. 'Phi Khun told us your reaction when they told you guys the news. You can't fake those.' I said nothing, so he continued. 'Khun said that he knows that you stay up till the eve of his birthday and anniversary with whiskey--'
'Khun knows bullshit.' I replied hotly. 'I do nothing of sorts.'
Kim sighed from the other line, 'You know that both of the siblings are soft hearted, Ché told me that his brother would just tell him to live his life instead of dwelling to the past, to forgive and move forward, I hope that one day you will do the same.'
'What are you talking about, who should I forgive? The truck driver? If he wasn't dead I would've killed him anyway.'
'No, phi.' Kim replied with a voice unusually soft, 'It's time for you to forgive yourself.'
A knock interrupted my thoughts, and Pete's voice came from the other side of the door. 'The motor's ready boss.'
We were surprised when days later, Vegas came and talked with Ché. It seems like Porsche left him his motorcycle the day before the accident. That night where he was dropped off by Vegas. I sighed as I put on my clothes, so many misunderstandings, due to my inability to talk properly. Things could've been avoided if only I was clear enough. If only things were different, Porsche could still be here. By my side. With me.
Ché had left the bike with Khun when he and Kim left the country. And Khun left the bike with me saying that he cannot use it anyway, as he prefers to be driven around. Although I knew that he did that because this is the only thing that Porsche has left.
I opened my door and came to the foyer with a blank face. All the men had a somber face around me as I came out of the mansion. Pete then handed me the keys, and I revved up the engine before driving away.
This must've been the reason why Porsche kept this clunky old thing. Every time I ride this, I feel kind of.. free. Like all the expectations and pressure on me was being blown away as wind swept over me. The expectation of being excellent, the perfect second son. For only on this day, with this bike, I am Anakinn Theerapanyakun, the pathetic man who is still in love with a dead man.
As I arrived at the destination in mind, I jumped off the bike. Opening the door, I approached the counter.
"Young master," The old lady greeted me. "It's the time of the year again, isn't it?" I nodded.
The first time I found this shop was a year after Porche's death. Ché's anger at me hasn't receded that time, and he has exploded during the family dinner.
'If you wanted my brother out of your life, you could've said so! No need to kill him!' Ché shouted at me.
I felt my heart stopped after he said those words. Ignoring Kim's appalled 'Ché!', the younger Kittisawat continued. 'Why? Am I lying? I heard from the men that despite having told of Porsche's feelings, he chose to see his bitch of an ex, and that whore of his! As if my brother's feelings don't matter! As if it was true that Porsche is nothing but a notch in his belt! Do you know what your men whispers behind you? HUH?!'
Kim stood up and tried to force Ché out of his room but Phor stopped him. Huh. Even my own father thinks I deserved to hear this.
'They said that Porsche has slept his way through your ranks. And then after you are done with him, you will give him to your men. Too bad Porsche died, isn't it?'
' Ché, that's enough!' Khun shouted. 'Kim bring him to his room. Kinn,' He turned to me. 'Don't believe everything that Ché was saying, he's just hurt.'
I saw P'Chan and Phor exchange a look behind Khun. This gave me another clue. I gritted my teeth. I asked for an audience, and was led to Phor's office.
'That was what we heard as well, Kinn.' Phor started. 'There was even a rumour that Porsche was a mole.' Phor swirled the drink in his glass. I do know that. That's why I told Porsche to stay away from Vegas, cause he's the one that they're being suspicious of. ' But after Porsche's death, and us discovering Big, that problem solved itself.' The missing inventory still continued after the accident, and that itself cleared Porche's name.
'But we did hear the whispers, Kinn,' Phor continued. 'Why do you think Khun was so adamant to make your relationship with Porche clear to everyone? He wants to establish Porsche's place in the family, because despite what he has done for us, some really don't see eye to eye with Porsche.'
'Are you blaming me for this Phor?'
'Why would I blame you? You're my son.' Phor sighed. ' And even if you weren't, I wouldn't. But I just wished that you followed my advice. I may have worded it wrongly, but I wanted neither you nor Porsche hurt with the whole ordeal you had with Tawan. I wondered why you had even let him in, Kinn. For I can see that you are so enamored with Porsche. But alas, things happen. And we have nothing to do but to move on from that.'
A small smile showed from my father's face. 'But, at one point, I thought how proud I would be to call Porsche my in-law.'
I left his office after that, and wandered listlessly.
Like a teledrama, it has started to rain as I walk to the familiar path of Porsche's rest.
'Young master!' A woman's voice called. 'Come in here, you might get sick!'
I looked around, and before I knew it I was being manhandled into a small flower shop. A towel was tossed on my head and a cup of what I assume is tea was placed on the table in front of me. A woman in her sixties sat in front of me. 'Now what troubles a young master like you that you had to reenact a scene from the tellie?'
'Ma'am, with all due respe--'
'Aww, enough of that!' A twinkle can be seen from her eyes. 'I've been alone here for most of the time, when I first saw you, I thought that death had come to claim me!' She cackled. 'But then, I noticed your shoulders. You were carrying the world with you, weren't you? Has the person that carries it with you left?'
I do not know how to answer that, so I just gripped the cup tightly. 'I was married once you know. I thought that he would stay with me for a long time, but circumstances happened, and he was just gone.' I looked at her, she was staring outside where the rain was still pouring hard. 'At first I was angry at him, he said he loved me, why did he leave? And then, I was angry at myself, if I didn't say the things I did, do the things that I did, is he still here? Then I was angry at the world, for they had taken him from me. But then, I realised. Anger.. that anger is my grief. My grief of losing him. My grief of taking things for granted. He gave me so much love, and then he was gone. I wanted to give him back that love, but I can't. And that turned to anger.' She then reached my hand. 'I know it's hard, I know that it would take a long time, but you have to let go of that anger. You're so angry at yourself, that person who loved you is gone now, he cannot love you any more than he already did, but you still have his love to give it to yourself. For that is what he wants.' A tear escaped from my eyes, one by one, I saw them drip to her hands.
'They loved you till the end, did they?'
I choked a sob, as I nodded.
'Then you should love yourself till the end too.'
I took a sip of tea, it was hot, and had a mediocre taste but it might be the best tasting tea I've ever had.
"Young master," she interrupted my thoughts. I was then handed a bouquet.
I smiled, "Yaa₁, what is it this time?" I looked at the flowers in my hands. "Edelweiss?"
"Look it up stupid young master." She snickered before showing her palms. "Not because you are a young master doesn't mean you can hit and run my shop!"
I shook my head as I handed her a hundred and twenty. I tried giving her more before but that was a mistake. She just handed it back with a threat that she will shave my head if I do that again. Regardless of which flower she give, it's always the same price, we both know that she was underpricing her products, but it's not like she's a push-over, if I tried that, I know that harmful threats will be coming my way, from pulling my hair with her pluckers, or dropping one of her pot on my feet. If someone else heard us arguing, one would think that she is the member of a mafia family between us.
She reminded me a lot of Porsche.
"Do you know what it means?" She said as she went to her register. "Although I know that it is a bore, but flower language is great. You can directly insult someone without them knowing a thing!" She cackled.
I smiled as I touched the petals, "Devotion.."
"It seems that the young master do know how to pick books." Yaa walked towards me and push me out of her shop. "If you look a little more, you would see that there's another flower aside from edelweiss. I know that your Porsche would like that, you unromantic git. Now off you go! You're chasing away my customers with your good looks!"
I chuckled as I rode the bike and waved her goodbye. When I arrived at Porsche's, I checked the flowers as she suggested. Lotuses..
I smiled slightly, lotuses means rebirth, and self-enlightenment. I hope that day indeed comes.
"Porsche," I sat beside his stone and traced his name. "How are you doing today? Look, yaa has given you this." I placed the bouquet in front of me. "I think she really likes you more than me. She said that once she sees you, she would tell you all the embarrassing stories she had of me since you left." I laughed. "Don't believe her when she tells you the story where we watch a movie, for one I really didn't cry because of Marley and Me." I traced his name again, "I missed you. Ché too, and Khun. And Pete. At times, I think Kim misses you too." I chuckled. "Will it get better, Porsche? I hope so. Sometimes I feel like I just breeze my way into life since you were gone. By the way, I'm a sankyū ₂ now. I bet in a few more years, I can be a black belt, Mr. National Judo Champion."
A breeze tickled my face, "I really missed you Porsche. I wish you were here."
"I hope not, cause if he is then he's a ghost and I'm scared of ghosts." A voice piped up behind me.
"Jom, Tem." I greeted them. The two friends of Porsche sat beside me, after giving their prayers, Jom smiled at me.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine.. I guess." I answered. There was a strain in our interaction, for the only connection between us was Porsche. "Ché is fine too before you asked."
"We know." Tem mumbled. "He said that because of work he might not come home till Porsche's birthday.
"I'm afraid that I will be busy on Porsche's birthday too," Jom said. It was a tradition for them to eat out if they met here. Which they do at least twice a year. "Why don't you come with us Kinn, we're heading to lunch anyway."
"I shouldn't impo--"
"No way, Porsche's friends are our friends, maybe not in your case cause you two are almost boyfriends? So should it be Porche's boyfriends are our boyfriends? Wait that sounds wro--"
"Jom shut up," Tem stood up and pulled up Jom. I stood up too and faced them. "Come, don't be a sourpuss, we'll bring you to Porsche's favorite restaurant."
Giving me no choice, they made me follow their car. The lunch was not awkward to say the least. But not that great either. Jom was talking the whole time, and Tem was torn between glaring at me, and being sympathetic. When Tem went to the restroom, Jom turned to me.
"I'm sorry about Tem, he's in a hard place right now." I know about the three-way relationship Tem have with my friends, but if I don't even have time to handle my own matters, how can I meddle on theirs? Besides, the three of them are already chaotic. I don't want to add myself into the mix, so I just nodded to Jom.
"Are you ready to go?" Tem asked. Jom and I put money on the table, and went outside the restaurant. I contemplated going back to the flower shop, when Jom gasped beside me.
"What the fuck?!" He screamed.
I raised an eyebrow at him, and without a word, he pointed across the street in front of us.
"Isn't that Porsche?!"
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End of Chapter Two.