Chapter Text
The house turned out to be huge, something that you would expect from a mightly family like the Smiths. Nonetheless, Hange couldn’t get used to the place for several months. Growing up in a small town where people barely got ends meet, having an entire mansion for herself felt alien.
There were days when she would wake up in the middle of the night, hands unusually cold, throat burning, cold sweat dripping down her neck. She would frantically grab a revolver, one of the very few things Levi left her, and with slow calculated steps, inspect every single room, even though she always locked the door and windows.
At first, she regarded it as a defense mechanism, sometimes natural when humans found themselves in a new environment. Moreover, she was not alone. Her son was still a helpless infant, completely dependent on his parent. And Hange had no one but herself to rely on.
Looking back at her past, she had never had stability, a shoulder to rely on.
There were short time-lapses when she felt whole when she was immersed in her job, when she excelled in science, even when Zeke was next to her. As crazy as it was, Zeke provided at least the semblance of protection. Working under his wing, she knew few people would dare to interfere in her research. She got the financial resources, a team, and some stability, no matter what price she paid for that. And then there was him. Hange was alive in the arms of the raven-haired man. Who happened to leave her in the middle of the upheaval, when she, and Nolan needed him the most. Life kept teaching her the same lesson again and again: there is no one you can rely on but you.
In the end, it was always Hange. Successful, confident or powerless and scared, it was always only her. Until now. She was not alone anymore, she had her son and she would rise from the ashes again and again just to keep him safe. To give him a better future far away from war and terror.
The thought gave her strength to get herself together, regain the faith that everything would work out.
With baby steps, she adjusted to the new lifestyle. At first, it was as simple as waking up early and taking the baby to a walk. The forest was magnificent, huge and so tranquil, Hange would stay there for hours, listening to the gentle breeze, collecting herbs and flowers, showing all sorts of birds to Nolan as if he could comprehend so much information.
Then, she picked up a new hobby: gardening. The small patch of land in the yard was plowed and harrowed, ready for cultivation. Armin was there to help Hange, bringing seeds, necessary tools, and looking after the baby while the brunette lost herself in a newly-found passion, completely disregarding the prospects of getting her clothes, hair, everything dirty.
“When you turn three, I will teach you how to cultivate vegetables and even fruits. Promise it is so fun” she would singsong to her son occasionally.
Another significant change Armin brought was local people. It was he who introduced Hange to people in the village. They were all elderly, or women taking care of children and suffering the consequences of the war. They were fighting, no weapons and no blood, but they were fighting for survival, battling with the growing frustration of losing someone they love, living with the fear that someday they will no longer receive letters from those who left them.
Hange understood that dread so much.
Although Levi clearly stated that they were never gonna meet again, she couldn’t bury a minuscule particle of hope that at least he would send her a letter, a note, a blank page, anything just to show he was alive, broken, desperate but alive.
She never got anything.
Erwin would come to see her sporadically, bringing toys and her favorite books. She couldn’t find the courage to ask him how he found out about her taste in books. Because she never mentioned it. Which meant that only a certain man could have initiated it. Let it be a secret. No need to feed the demons, to give her false hope that Levi thought of her. Or interpret his actions as something more than just a gesture of goodwill.
She would only allow one indulgence: asking Erwin about Levi. Little unobtrusive, as she regarded, questions here and there.
Doesn’t he get on your nerves with constant nagging? Is he still that short? Does he force you to shower twice a day?
The blonde would laugh, sometimes so hard his eyes teared up, but nothing more. No wonder Levi trusted this man with his life, Erwin was unwavering.
He wouldn’t let Levi get into trouble. That she was sure about.
Going good
It wasn’t until the next summer that she was finally comfortable in this place and made the big decision she had been contemplating for so long. Days were long, filled with more sunlight and a clear blue sky. Nolan started walking and Hange felt back pain for the first time in her life. Apparently, the boy got his infinite energy from his mother.
until one occasion:
It was a serene night blanketed with heavy mist surrounding the environment and the uproar of dogs howling gave a haunting feeling that kept Hanji on her toes. At a distance, she could hear the owl hooting and she could have sworn she sensed some movement in the bushes. A bead of sweat appeared on her forehead as she controlled her raging heartbeat.
Terror-struck, she was gripping the revolver, her palms sweaty yet steady to bore a hole at the invader who tried to lay hands on her or her child. Suddenly, she heard faint footsteps that grew louder and louder, every passing second. She clutched her pistol tightly though she was shaking like a leaf from inside. She worried about her little bundle, her baby who was sleeping soundly in his crib unaware of what was unraveling.
Heavy footsteps advanced towards the house and a figure slowly crept in.
Is that a thief?
Hange doubted the village was so calm, away from the turmoil of the world, besides, only the insane would attempt to rob Erwin Smith. Besides, Hange never left the front door or the windows open. Whoever he was, this was a dangerous man. Gulping, she leaned next to the door, muscles tense, knees slightly bent.
She inhaled as the creak broke the thick silence. Before the man could make the first step, Hange shoved him against the wall, hard, pressing the revolver to the intruder's back.
" Who are you?" There was no way she would let him leave alive but first, she needed to find out who that person was.
His heavy breathing crept her out, her palms could feel the outline of lithe muscles under the leather jacket and suddenly her bravado dissipated into the thin air. The scientist's mind started sketching out possible scenarios that were not particularly positive: one of Zeke's dogs, someone who was sent to kill her because of who she was.
" You got stronger, shitty glasses" the croaky voice sent shivers down her spine. Her heart hasn't fluttered like this for so long, the feeling inadvertently sending her to her adolescence, when life was easy. When they sneaked away from the judging glares of university teachers and not the potential threat looming over their heads.
She wasn't fast to let him free from her grip nor did she put the revolver back
" Why are you here?" She wasn't harsh, was she? He left her on her own not caring to give any explanation, not even checking on her once. And here humanity's strongest was. Sneaking around the old mansion at this ungodly hour. Why did he come? After a long year, when she almost sorted everything out when she already made the biggest decision to change her and Nolan's life, why did he show up?
"What? Don't tell me you waited for a welcome hug" She let out a shaky laugh, pressing the cold metal between his shoulder blades.
" No, you know I hate when you hug me"
I missed you
" As if I enjoy cuddling a shorty like you"
I missed you too
For a long time, Hange had not had such a peaceful sleep. Her mind wasn't overwhelmed with the weight of dread. This time she left the revolver outside her bedroom.
Enjoying the warmth and the pleasant softness of her blanket, she stirred to her right, arm instinctively stretching out to check on her baby.
Only to land on the cold sheet.
Immediately her body rose, legs a bit wobbly, not quick enough to keep up with the surging adrenaline. In another situation, she might have thrown up already but now she was ignoring the sudden dull pain at the back of her head, or the loud staccato of her heart. Not even caring to put on something, she sprinted outside.
First, second, third… she kept pushing one door after another only for the tremor to get worse after seeing another empty room. Nowhere. He was nowhere
No room held a single sign of her son's presence.
She leaned against the wall, clutching her head as if tearing her hair would make the brain work better. Where might he be? Who might have taken him? Her knees got wobbly, head spinning from countless questions spinning in her mind until she saw the blurry short figure in her peripheral vision.
Levi was standing there, holding Nolan, brows furrowed in concern over her state. He took a step back in surprise seeing Hange launching on him.
“Nolan” she draws his son into an embrace not even noticing how he bit his lower lip, chubby hands clutching Levi’s shirt hard, his small frame turning and wriggling to stay in the arms of the captain. “I got so worried” Hange buried her face into the boy’s neck, her loud inhale almost muffling the low hiccup. “I thought you were gone”
“He was up early and I didn’t want you to wake up” The silent apology put Hange at ease. Slightly rubbing her face onto the baby’s shoulder, she realized that she forgot her glasses.
“Oh, Levi, can you please hold Nolan for a moment. I need to get my glasses, and I am afraid of bumping on something with him in my arms” The man only nodded, although he was sure Hange would not be able to see that clearly “Here you are”. The baby giggles, silver eyes shining with delight, arms circling the long neck.
Before she could turn around, Levi took her forearm and guided her towards the bedroom. His steps were slower than usual, more careful and calm. He walked as if he had all the time in the world. Which Hange knew was not true.
As the door was shut with a light thud behind her, the warmth and light pressure on her arm disappeared causing the woman to stumble a bit. It is so easy to get used to someone you can rely on.
“Levi-”
“Stay still” he commanded her in a voice he mostly used during meetings. Her skin got covered in goosebumps once the cool metal of the glass frame touched her temple. In a second, the world became brighter and clearer.
Blinking several times, her vision adjusted to a better resolution, glazing over the furniture in her bedroom before moving to the captain.
The thought had never crossed her mind but now she realized how much Nolan looked like Levi: silky hair, only a dark shade of brown, a sharp nose, silver eyes. For a moment, Hange panicked if their son would also be short.
“We have a lot to do. Let’s not waste time” he motioned to follow her and Hange obliged, happy that they would have this day for themselves. For the first and last time.
Nolan wrinkled his nose and snuggled closer to the warm embrace of his mother. He sneezed twice, and Hange was sure the boy caught a cold. The sudden change in climate wasn’t easy to adapt to for his tiny body. Luckily, they were not that far from the destination, in an hour they would arrive at their new home.
The trip was hard, long hours filled with doubt and longing. She made the final decision and it was not the same as what he wanted.
But they loved each other. They loved each other strong enough to let go. To live the life they wanted.
Clutching her luggage and in one hand, she took a moment to simply observe the spacious station, people hurrying to catch their train, and a little cat taking a nap on one of the benches.
“We are home”.