Chapter Text
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Sonny’s Apartment - Sunday 11a
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Sonny never did sleep on the couch that night. But when Amanda awakened the next morning in his bed and turned to her side he was no longer beside her.
She sat up and yawned. When she did she noticed a note on the nightstand and picked it up.
Went to get breakfast. Be back soon. - S
Amanda set the note down, saw the time on his alarm clock and decided to get out of the bed. She had slept in way later than anticipated and would need to start getting her things together.
She headed toward Sonny’s kitchen, went to the refrigerator and grabbed a carton of orange juice. When she closed the door, she saw Jesse’s drawings and smiled. But as Amanda went to go get a glass she noticed a few other things hanging on the side of his fridge.
There was a photo of him with Malcolm and a bunch of other kids whom she assumed he worked with at the YMCA. Above the photo was a wedding save the date for a couple Amanda didn’t know, but figured he met here when she saw the wedding location was Niagara Falls. Next to that was a recreational bowling league schedule and under it a thank you note from a woman who was a victim in a case he recently handled.
Amanda slowly made her way to his cabinets, looked around until she found where Sonny kept his glasses, grabbed one and poured herself a glass of orange juice. She then sat down at the kitchen island on one of his barstools.
“What am I doing?” Amanda whispered to herself.
She knew last night in the middle of their love making that eventually it was going to end. That they’d go to sleep, wake up and then have to figure out what that was. And while she was unsure about it all in the heat of the moment, now that she was alone and had time to reflect Amanda was starting to think it had been a mistake.
Because in addition to still believing that Sonny was where he belonged job wise, she learned last night he had been taking steps to get on with his life, even if some of them, like the lack of phone calls, hurt her. And though he hadn’t yet moved on romantically, she knew he could in time. Even if their intimate moment had likely slowed down the chances of it happening sooner rather than later. Still, he was moving on in other ways. Amanda saw firsthand yesterday and was reminded of it just now after seeing what was on his refrigerator. Manhattan was no longer his home. Buffalo was. He’d given up his job, apartment and everything else in the city and there were now people here, through his work and volunteer efforts, who depended on him.
Amanda was disrupted from her thoughts when she heard his front door open.
“Hey, you’re up.” Sonny said as he walked in with a bag and a medium sized rectangular box. “Sorry I just left without saying anything. But I remembered you tellin’ me that Billie kept you up the night before and we had a long day yesterday so I wanted to let you sleep. Hopefully you saw my note.”
“I did.” Amanda told him as she took a sip of her orange juice. She smiled softly and then pointed to the items in his hands. “Whatcha get?”
Sonny set the box and brown bag he was holding down in front of her. “Bagels. Almost as good as the shop by my parents house we’d go to sometimes. It’s kind of a hike from here, but they’re worth the trip.”
He opened the box and pulled out the cream cheese, butter, plastic knives and plates from the bag. “I figured you’d probably want an everythin’ or cinnamon raisin, but I also got a plain, poppy seed, onion, and blueberry.”
Amanda briefly contemplated before eventually deciding on the cinnamon raisin. She then grabbed one of the knives and opened up the butter.
Sonny picked up the everything bagel, a knife and quietly began cutting it.
The two locked eyes and as they did Amanda could tell that Sonny wanted to talk about last night but was waiting for her to take the lead and bring it up. But she wasn’t ready to dive into it then. So instead the two silently ate their breakfast.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
After they ate and once Amanda had finished packing up her stuff and gotten showered and ready for the day, the two decided to take a walk through the park near his house.
As they walked around she knew they were gonna need to have a conversation about yesterday. Especially since Amanda’s flight was scheduled to depart fairly soon and they would have to leave for the airport in another 30 minutes or so. But just as she was about to suggest they sit down to discuss everything, Sonny did.
“Can we sit and talk for a bit?” He asked, motioning to a nearby bench.
Amanda nodded and the two went and sat down.
Sonny took in a deep breath and exhaled. “Last night was nice.”
“It was.” Amanda told him honestly. “I missed being close to you in that way.”
He smiled softly at her. “Me too.”
However his smile soon started to fade when he noticed Amanda’s demeanor turn much more serious.
“But it can’t happen again.” She finally said as she ran a hand through her hair.
His eyes widened in disbelief at what he was hearing. “W—what? I…I don’t understand. I thought we were on the same page in regards to our feelings.”
She felt tears start to well up in her eyes. “Sonny, I love you and I know you love me—“
“Then what is the issue!?” He asked, growing emotional. “Why can’t that be enough?”
Amanda sighed. “Because our love and old life may be enough for you NOW, but is it going to be later on down the road? I’m not sure it will. And I don’t want to be the one who holds you back from growing and doing great things. From making an impact and leaving your mark. You’ll find someone who’s life is much less complicated than mine to love and who will love you in time. But you won’t be handed this work opportunity again.“
She paused for a moment and then continued.
“You’ve also begun to build a life for yourself here. You know your way around the area, have settled in at work, and met friends. You have a favorite diner, go to baseball games, take trips to Niagara Falls, and help tutor at the Y. You even joined a bowling league. While you might miss me, it’s obvious that you are starting to enjoy your time here. There are also people here, kids like Malcolm and I’m sure victims in cases you are in the middle of, who are counting on you. Buffalo’s become you’re home and I feel like my showing up here disrupted all the progress you’ve made in regards to moving forward. I never should’ve come.”
Sonny buried his face into his hands. “I can’t believe this.”
She scooted closer to him. “Sonny—“
“Don’t.” He said cutting her off. “Please stop tryin’ to explain. Just stop.”
The two sat together quietly for a little while longer before Sonny finally stood up.
“If I’m gonna get you to the airport in time we need to get goin.’”
He started to head off down the path out of the park. Amanda stayed seated at the bench for a moment before finally standing up and following him.
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Buffalo International Airport - Sunday 2p
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The ten minute walk back to his apartment from the park had felt like the longest walk of Amanda’s life and the relatively short drive to the airport seemed even longer. Nothing was said the entire time.
Nevertheless when they eventually reached the doors leading inside the airport, Amanda dropped her bag down on the ground and draped her arms around him.
He didn’t reciprocate the hug at first, but she vowed to stand there hugging him, no matter how long and awkward it was, until he hugged her back. After what felt like an eternity he eventually did.
Once the former couple broke apart from each other they both stared into the other’s eyes for a long time before Amanda finally said, “Bye.”
She gave him a kiss on the cheek, picked up her bag and then headed inside.
Sonny stood standing there for a few minutes longer before sighing and making his way back to his car.
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Virginia
Dulles International Airport - Sunday 5:30p
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“Why didn’t I just get a direct flight home from Buffalo to New York City?” Amanda asked herself quietly as she walked around the busy airport in search of a secluded, empty seating area.
When she finally found one, she plopped down and pulled her phone out. As she dialed her mom, Sonny’s words about how she should stop booking flights with budget airlines began replaying in her head. Because in addition to a pretty unnecessary layover, the second flight in her trip was now delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since it was starting to get later into the evening and Amanda was unsure when she’d get back home she thought it’d be best to have the girls stay with her parents for one more night.
“Mom, hey it’s me. Any chance you can keep Jesse and Billie for another night? I…”
Amanda rolled her eyes. “No I’m not staying in Buffalo an extra day to get laid. It was a work trip. I…Yeah I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true and…Look, mom I didn’t call you so we could have a conversation about my sex life with Sonny. I’m in…”
It was at that moment she noticed someone had sat down nearby her and was staring and clearly listening in on her conversation.
“Can I help you?” Amanda asked the nosy lady.
The now embarrassed woman stood up and walked away. Amanda then redirected her attention back to her mother.
“I’m in Virginia, just outside of DC. I had a scheduled layover here but my second flight is delayed due to a mechanical issue and I don’t know when we’re gonna actually take off. I don’t wanna drive up whenever I do make it back to the city to get the girls from you when it’ll probably be past their bedtime and they’ll both already be asleep.”
Amanda went quiet as she listened to Beth Anne speak on the other end and then responded. “No Jesse doesn’t have school tomorrow. She’s off for Memorial Day…OK…I will…Alright bye.”
When she ended the call with her mother Amanda went to check her text messages and saw she didn’t have any new ones.
As soon as she found out she was going to be delayed she had texted Sonny to let him know what was going on. Even though he was clearly upset with her she thought he’d want to know when she got home and that she got home safe. But he never texted her back. And what made it worst was that Amanda knew he saw the message because he had his iPhone read receipts on.
She sighed, put her phone away and stared aimlessly out the window by her seat.
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Manhattan
Outside Amanda’s Apartment - 9p
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“Finally home.” Amanda said to herself as her taxi driver pulled onto her street.
Though Sonny never responded to her text from earlier in the evening she still wanted to tell him she made it back so she sent him another message that simply read:
‘Home.’
Once her taxi came to a complete stop at her apartment, she paid the fare, thanked the driver, grabbed her bag and got out. As she closed the door she heard her phone going off.
Amanda pulled it out again and saw a message from Sonny:
‘I know.’
She thought his response was peculiar and as she moved away from the taxi, texted back:
‘???’
She saw the little dots indicating he was typing immediately appear on her screen and then saw the following message:
‘Look up.’
Amanda lifted her head and as she did her jaw nearly fell to the ground when she saw Sonny standing by the stairs to her apartment building.
She slowly made her way over to him and began stuttering. “How d—did you? What a—are you..”
“How did I beat you here?” Sonny asked her. “It’s because unlike you I flew with a reputable company that doesn’t always have some kinda issue.”
He chuckled softly but then his face turned much more serious.
“As for what I’m doing here? Well, when we last spoke you did a whole lot of talkin’ and I was so caught off guard I didn’t really know how to respond to you in the moment. But I had a lot of time, on the plane and then sitting here waiting for you, to organize my thoughts and I’m ready to get them off my chest.”
Sonny grabbed Amanda’s duffel bag and set it down on the ground next to them. He then took a deep breath and resumed speaking.
“One of the things you said to me this morning and one of your main arguments for pushing me into accepting the Chief ADA position is because you wanted me to feel fulfilled. You didn’t wanna be the reason I ‘settle’ as an entry level ADA here in Manhattan. That you didn’t want to hold me back from doin’ great things. Well Amanda, it’s true that as Chief ADA I am in a good position to exert my influence and bring about lasting change. To make a difference. But it isn’t the only way. It can come from the bottom up too.”
She eyed him curiously. “What do you mean?”
“Remember back during the trial with Tori and how my office gave her and Jasmine those deals for their roles in the murder as a result of the mental, physical, and sexual abuse they suffered? How at the press conference Lorraine Maxwell talked about the law bein’ a lagging indicator and that justice was about compassion? You said it sounded like somethin’ I would say.”
Amanda nodded her head slowly. “Yeah. I remember.”
“It was something I said.” Sonny said, confirming her suspicions. “Matter of fact, almost everythin’ that came out of her and Philip’s mouths that afternoon was lifted from me during a conversation I had with them. The reason they offered the deals was because I told them that sending an abused and trafficked teenager like Tori, who was also a victim, to prison would be cruel and callous. That she deserved leniency and we should use our discretion, like we do all the time for the well connected, and show her some compassion. And ultimately it’s what they decided should be done. As a result I’m confident the next time Lorraine or Philip come across another Tori or Jasmine they will be treated much differently then those two initially were. Now there are other issues in the DA’s office in need of fixin’ but what happened with that case was a step in the right direction. I created a tiny ripple. The first of hopefully many more to come. Because it was another, more well known lawyer, Robert Kennedy, who once said that together all those tiny ripples will eventually form a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of resistance. I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.”
He paused for a moment and then said to her, “And you wanna know who put that first ripple into motion? YOU.”
Sonny took her hands into his.
“I knew trying Tori for murder was wrong from the start, but I struggled with that knowledge and also still needin’ to do a job I was hired to do. So I did what I was told by my superiors and I ended up destroying her on the stand. And when it was over, you let me have it. You told me you never saw me as a bully and that you were sad at me. I won’t lie, I was pissed at you for saying all that to me, but I quickly realized you were right and I was luckily able to fix my mistake after the fact before my actions ruined Tori’s life. But it was only because of you. You checking me and putting me in my place is what got me to reflect on the situation. To see that the person in the courtroom that day wasn’t who I was or wanted to be movin’ forward. And this is just one of several times over the years of you telling me like it is and reminding me of who I am when you see me struggling and losing my way. So you see Amanda, you don’t hold me back. You lift me up and make me BETTER.”
She blinked back the tears that were building up in her eyes as she reflected on everything he had just detailed to her. They were perspectives that had never crossed her mind until just then.
“Really?” Amanda whispered.
“Yes, really.” He confirmed to her. “Had it not been for your influence, I’m positive Buffalo never would’ve even wanted me.”
She smiled softly but remained quiet as she knew he had more to say.
“Another thing you mentioned,” Sonny began as he gently rubbed her knuckles. “Was that I’d eventually find someone less complicated than you to love. I’m guessing by less complicated you mean someone who hasn’t had to deal with some of the difficult situations you have. Growing up in an abusive household. Being sexually assaulted. Your gambling addiction. Being a single mom of two girls with different dads. But Amanda, none of those things scare me or make me wanna run away from you. The courage in which you’ve faced these tough moments in your life and the strength you’ve shown in workin’ through them just makes me admire and love you even more. There’s no replacing you. You’re irreplaceable.”
It was at that moment the tears Amanda had been attempting to hold back began to trickle from her eyes.
Sonny wiped them away with his thumbs and smiled at her. He then slowly brought her closer to the steps leading into her building and the two sat down beside each other.
“You were right about there being people in Buffalo who depend on me. There are two cases I’m in the middle of workin’ that I need to see through. And a few kids, like Malcolm and some others, I need to make sure are squared away. But once those things are taken care of, I’d like to come back home to Manhattan.”
Sonny rested his hand on her thigh and looked deeply into her eyes.
“Because while I was startin’ to get used to Buffalo and will miss certain aspects of it, it’s never gonna be home. Home is where the heart is and my heart is here with you and the girls. It never left.”
Amanda wiped her eyes, sniffled and sighed. “God I’m…s—so stupid. How could I ever let you go?”
“Because you were tryin’ to do what you thought would make me the happiest in the long run.” Sonny said to her as he caressed her cheek. “But there’s nothin’ in this world, no job or place, that’ll ever make me happier than you will. I hope you see that now.”
“I do.”
He rested his forehead on hers. “So what do you say? Will you have me if I come back?”
She nodded slowly and smiled. “Of course.”
Amanda then removed her forehead from his and quietly stared at him for a while before leaning in to kiss him.
When their lips finally parted she rested her head on his shoulder and the two sat together silently for a long while before she asked, “So what happens next? After you wrap everything up in Buffalo?”
Sonny shruged. “I’m not sure. I’ll see if I can get my job back at the DA’s office here, which I know is probably a long shot. But that’s OK. I’m a lawyer in one of the biggest cities in the world. I’ll find something eventually. And if it takes a while, I can always open a fish fry stand.”
Amanda shook her head and grinned.
“I’m serious Rollins, I’m pretty sure I’ve perfected my version of the one they make up in Buffalo. We could open a stand here in Manhattan and then two others in Staten Island and Long Island. Bring a little upstate to downstate. We’d make a killing. Especially with the Catholics during Lent.”
It was at this moment they both broke out into laughter.
“Well I don’t think I’d be much help to you in your fish fry business and should probably stick to investigating.” She said as she slowly regained her composure. “But there is something I could do.”
“What?” He asked curiously.
“Give you a place to stay.” Amanda said as she gave him a small smile. “We’ll be cramped in this tiny apartment and most of your big stuff will need to go into storage, but once my lease is up in September we could find a bigger place for the four of us. Five if you count Frannie.”
“I’d love that.” He said as he gave her thigh a quick rub.
He then checked his watch. “It’s gettin’ late. Do you need to get Jesse and Billie or are your parent’s keeping them for another night?”
“They’re gonna stay with my mom and dad tonight.” She told him. “I didn’t want to pick them up from my mom’s house late and wake them up after she’s put them to bed. Jesse’s off from school tomorrow for Memorial Day so it works out.”
Sonny nodded. “You know, even though we’ve technically been broken up for almost three months, I don’t think it REALLY counts. And if it doesn’t count then I’d consider this weekend, Memorial Day weekend, our one year anniversary.”
“It doesn’t count.” Amanda agreed, smiling brightly at him. “Happy Anniversary.”
“Happy Anniversary.” He parroted back to her. Sonny then brought his lips to hers for another kiss.
“I’m guessin’ you’ll only be able to stay tonight?” She asked.
He nodded. “Yeah. My plane leaves at 1p tomorrow.”
Amanda pondered briefly before telling him, “Well that still leaves plenty of time for us to celebrate.” She said smirking. “Especially since the girls aren’t here.”
Sonny raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”
Amanda nodded. “Yup.” She then stood up and grabbed her bag. “Why don’t we go inside and get started?”
“Sounds good to me.”
She looked around. “Did you bring a bag with you?”
Sonny sighed. “I did.”
“Where is it?” She asked as she continued looking around.
“The airline lost it.” He told her, rolling his eyes.
Amanda raised her eyebrows and laughed. “Is that so? And I thought those reputable, pricy airlines were supposed to be so much better?” She teased.
“Well at least I got here fast and in one piece.” Sonny said to her as the two began making their way up the stairs.
“True.” Amanda admitted, adding, “But I bet your happy you forgot to clean out your dresser drawer here.”
“That I am.” Sonny said laughing as the two entered inside the building and headed up toward her floor.
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July 2
Outside Amanda’s Apartment - 4p
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It took about a month for Sonny to settle his affairs in Buffalo but for Amanda and the girls it felt a lot longer. Especially because he wasn’t able to make it out for a weekend to visit during that time. But eventually the day all four of them had been waiting for finally arrived. The day he moved back home for good. And unlike the last time they all gathered to bid him farewell, today was a bright and sunny summer day. It was as if the universe new Sonny was coming home and was just as excited about it as they all were.
Amanda, Jesse, and Billie anxiously stood outside their apartment building looking for any signs of Sonny, who was likely to be pulling up at any moment. He had called just a little bit ago to let Amanda know that he was in the city, had unloaded his big things into his storage unit and was headed her way after he returned his U-Haul trailer.
“I think I see his car!” Jesse yelled out excitedly, pointing at an SUV in the distance that had just turned onto their street.
Amanda squinted and realized it was in fact him. She smiled as he stepped out of his car and watched her girls immediately sprint his way. As much as she wanted to join in, she also wanted to let them have a moment. Sonny didn’t have a chance to see Jesse and Billie when he had flown out to talk to Amanda the Sunday before Memorial Day and this was the first time he was seeing the girls in person since he left in mid March.
“Uncle Sonny!” Jesse, with Billie following close behind, shouted as she and her little sister ran to him and jumped into his arms. “You’re finally here!”
Sonny held onto them both tightly. “I missed you girls so much.”
“We missed you too.” Jesse said, answering for herself and Billie.
He silently held them for a little bit longer, before he eventually went to set them down on the sidewalk. But while Billie let go and ran back over to Amanda, Jesse clung on to him.
“When you left you promised you’d be back someday soon to see us.” Jesse whispered to him. “I’m glad someday is today and that it’s not for a visit, but forever.”
“Me too Jess.” Sonny told her. He kissed her on the forehead. “Me too.”
She grinned and gave him a big hug. She then hopped out of his arms, grabbed his hand and the two walked back together toward Amanda and Billie.
When Sonny reached Amanda she quickly wrapped her arms around him and connected her lips to his.
“Welcome home.” She said to him once their lips finally parted.
“It’s good to be home.” He said to her smiling.
Just then Billie tugged on her mother’s dress. “Mommy I’m hungry.”
“So am I.” Jesse told her. “Can we have pancakes at the diner?”
Amanda raised an eyebrow at her little girl. “Jess we’ll be having dinner soon and Sonny’s been driving around all day. He needs to bring his stuff into the apartment, unpack and probably wants to rest for a bit.”
Sonny shook his head. “I’m good Rollins. And I’d love some pancakes. By the time we get to the diner and they seat us it’ll be close to dinner time anyways.” He gave Jesse a wink. “My only request is that we take the subway. I can’t spend another second in a car.”
She nodded and grinned. “Deal.”
Billie walked up to Sonny and lifted her arms up in the air, letting him know she wanted him to pick her up. He quickly scooped her into his arms and the foursome headed off together down the street.
“Do they have subways in Buffalo?” Jesse asked Sonny as she skipped along in between him and Amanda.
He nodded. “Yes. But they aren’t as busy as the ones here. You know what else they got? The best fish fry I’ve ever tasted.”
Amanda playfully rolled her eyes and chuckled.
“What’s a fish fry?” Jesse asked curiously.
“They’re these long pieces of specially fried fish that go in a hot dog bun. Up in Buffalo they make it with a kind of fish called haddock and it’s so good Jess.”
“I want one!” She exclaimed.
“Me too!” Billie shouted.
“Don’t worry girls.” Amanda reassured her daughters. “I see many, many homemade fish fry’s in our future.”
He laughed and the family continued on quietly down the street.
As they turned the corner Amanda asked him, “Are you ready for work on Tuesday?”
“I am.” Sonny said nodding. “I’m also still a little shocked the DA’s office took me back and is keepin’ me in Sex Crimes considering you and I.”
“Well they had a lot of trouble finding a permanent replacement for us when you left. Most of the ADAs they saddled our unit with only ever dealt with Homicide cases and they didn’t have a lot of experience working with live victims. I think assigning you back to SVU and bringing someone in on an as needed basis when I’m the lead on a case made the most sense to them.”
“I suppose it does.” He said agreeing.
“As for taking you back? I’m not surprised.” Amanda told him. “I think the DA’s office hadn’t realized what an amazing lawyer they had working for them until he wasn’t there anymore. They’re lucky to have you back and so are we.”
Sonny reached for her hand with his free one and gave it a light squeeze.
“Don’t you go anywhere again.” Amanda said, echoing back to a conversation that took place between them during the early days of their relationship.
“He won’t.” Jesse answered for him.
“She’s right.” Sonny promised her. “I won’t. And don’t you go sendin’ me off again.”
Amanda laughed softly, but nodded. “I won’t.”
The two exchanged small smiles with each other and continued along toward the subway.