Chapter Text
He’s so tired. His body is aching everywhere and it almost feels like all of his energy has been sucked away from him. His mind feels like it's drifting afloat, he wants to close his eyes and just sleep but hearing those loud shrill cries pulls him back to reality.
He pushes himself off his limits, he forces himself to move, to get up, beads of sweat continue to trickle down his body.
But he doesn’t care.
Kaeya smiles, on the verge of crying as Rosaria hands him his small bundle of joy.
She looks exactly like Diluc… he internally comments as he stares at his child for what felt like an eternity. Kaeya can’t simply take his eye off her, she's so pink and wrinkly but Rosaria and the doctor reassured him it's normal.
Kaeya continues to look at his daughter with awe, she has a small tuff of red hair and her deep blue eyes sparkle much brighter than his. Kaeya could feel that he’s about to cry, he tries to keep himself together but when his baby nuzzles closer to him.
The dam just breaks.
He can’t fully describe it, happiness, sadness, regret, pain and everything in between starts to well up in his chest. It’s probably his hormones taking the reign yet… seeing his child. He tries to calm himself, to not make his baby worry. She's the only one who's supposed to cry here!
“You’ve done well.” Rosaria whispers with a soft smile.
Kaeya holds his child closer into his arms as the baby latches immediately to his chest. He can’t believe it, she’s here! His baby is finally here.
Tears are now uncontrollably falling off his face as he holds his new born child tight fearing that it’s all just a dream.
…
..
.
“She’s so cute!” Jean coos and gently pokes the baby’s soft cheeks.
The baby lets out a small whine and Kaeya immediately fusses over her. “Shhh… it’s alright, Auntie Jean just finds you adorable.” Kaeya whispers and gives his child a round of soft kisses all over her face. The baby giggles and hearing her laugh makes Kaeya’s chest flutter in happiness.
“Sorry if I barged in so suddenly.” Jean apologizes profusely.
“You don’t have to worry about it! I should be the one who needs to be apologizing…” Kaeya then trails off as his sight locks at his child slowly settling down in arms as he gently rocks her.
“She really looks like ‘his’ carbon copy.” She comments and sits beside Kaeya.
Kaeya appreciates her effort in trying to be as sensitive about Diluc. She shouldn’t be, it was all Kaeya’s stupid fault why Diluc left and no one should ever feel sorry for what he’s experiencing now.
“I know that it’s still a sensitive topic but… did he—“
“No, he didn't." He interjects immediately. It’s amusing how Jean would ever think of such thing happening. "Before Master Crepus' death, we sort of celebrated his birthday earlier and this is the result." He forces up a smile and somehow pretending to be alright is getting easier. The memories of the past is a painful memory for him. But he welcomes it. The pain doesn’t goes away—no, it continues to remain. Continues to latch into him like a scar that will never fade. Rosaria is right, the pain will always just be there, and he’ll just have to live with it.
To mask his emotions and pretend.
To lock up his heart and welcome the numbness.
…Us, cryo users are good at it.
Jean’s sigh of relief, snaps Kaeya out of his thoughts. She has her arms wide open, clearly asking Kaeya if it's okay for her to carry his daughter. Kaeya should be wary about Jean, after Diluc, she's the next in line who has a high moral standing, no doubt she would abandon him too if he'll tell her the truth.
Pretend… he reminds himself. There's a little part of him that wants to push her away. To have a distance between them so that Kaeya won't experience being abandoned again. Maybe… if he does the abandoning, it would hurt less but another part of him feels like it's unfair. Jean didn't do anything to be treated as such, she's been a good friend to him and Kaeya just wants…
What does he really want?
I don't want to be lonely. He pleads weakly, like the one speaking to him is his younger self, the one that was just abandoned by his father.
It hurts.
It still hurts.
And it will not stop hurting but maybe… just maybe if he would allow himself to be honest just a little bit, things might be different. To not try and pretend. To actually deny the numbness that follows the pain, to actually try and heal.
It may be a risk but right now, he’s not living his life for himself (he never did anyway) anymore and he wants his daughter to grow up with no secrets, no responsibilities, no burdens. He just wants her to feel the warmth and happiness he did in the Ragnvindr home,
This might not be it, but Kaeya wants her to live a life that she will enjoy and live fully. Kaeya lightly brushes her small tuff of red hair, she’s getting sleepier by the minute as he continues to lull her to sleep. "She's a light sleeper so you should be careful." Kaeya says in a hushed tone and gently places his baby in Jean's arms.
Jean gently fixes her position, making sure that her arms would support his baby's neck and head. "She's surprisingly heavy." She compliments and starts rocking her arms.
Kaeya just smiles as a response.
He's currently residing at one of the rarely used retreat houses of the church outside Mondstadt. Rosaria had reassured him that he could stay as long as he needs but Kaeya's not stupid to just lie back and do nothing. He's certain that he can no longer go back to the Ragnvindr family or estate but maybe he could still stay in the Ordo dorms? That is… if he's still part of the Knights.
His face might give him off because Jean blurts out, "The Grand Master and Lisa are worried about you, you know. If it wasn't for Barbara asking Rosaria for your location, we would have assumed you died."
Archons, he wished he did back when Diluc hurt and spit those hurtful words at him.
"I'm sorry, I just got busy." His lone visible eye stares at his daughter.
"You certainly did. I was really worried when you left with all your injuries, I'm just glad you're alright and healthy." She's not sparing him a glance, her attention clearly too focused on the tiny human on her arms.
Kaeya just smiles and looks at the two. He expects for Jean to ask him how it's possible for him to be pregnant or why he's staying here but instead,
"It's alright, you can tell me everything when you're ready." Jean then smiles before returning her gaze at his daughter and babble baby noises at her.
Kaeya's speechless, he's not sure if he should be grateful or afraid. Deep down, he's still feeling a bit of a mess, this is too much for him too handle on his own. He knows that and right now… he can't help but feel thankful for Jean just being beside him.
…
..
.
"You know you could just ask us for help if you need it right?" Varka says with a gentle smile.
When Kaeya had the courage to return to the Knights, especially to the Grand Master's office, he's expecting Grand Master Varka to scream at him for going AWOL. "I don't…"
"I know you're young and scared but the world is not as cruel as you see it to be." Varka reassures and Kaeya badly wants to believe him.
…
..
.
His daughter is now alive for 3 months and she's just as cute as the day she was born. Her red hair has grown wilder and longer, her cries are stronger and louder and Kaeya loves her more and more.
"How's the new place?" Rosaria asks in between sips of her alcohol.
Kaeya really can’t tell her to stop drinking but at least, in the presence of his daughter, Rosaria stopped smoking. "Good. I can't thank everyone enough for the help." He replies with a smile. Normally, someone like him shouldn't be able to purchase a small house in the center of the town but all of his friends and even the grandmaster helped him. Not only that but they also helped him come up with a story about how he got his daughter and helped him process her papers.
He was actually speechless by the evens that had transpired. Kaeya doesn’t know what he did to have such people in his life but he's appreciative of their efforts.
Which is funny because before everything happened, Kaeya's attention is solely on Diluc snd that his world solely revolved around him.
Diluc was like the sun to Kaeya.
He was– is warm, bright and full of life.
Even when things went south, Kaeya didn't have the heart to hate him. He loved him, more than anything in the world and that still remains true.
It's probably the reason why he doesn’t notice other people care about him too.
He may not love and care about them as much as he loved and cared Diluc but that’s alright. He’s slowly learning and seeing things he never did before. It might be a bit cruel to say that Diluc’s absence had helped him love and appreciate people more but it did.
Because of what Diluc had done to him, he now slowly starts to see others in a different light.
That there’s no harm in trying to find the good in them and in return, he would no longer try to hide everything about himself. Of course, there are still things he keeps to himself but for most part, he’s slowly trying to open up himself even if it’s a bit subtle.
"You know it's kinda customary for a kid in Mond to be baptized right?" Rosaria replies and Kaeya laughs. "Do you have a name for her?"
Kaeya looks at the sleeping child bundled in his arms and recalls how everyone helped him buy everything he needed for the move and even went as far as buying needed items for his daughter.
The warmth and affection everyone gave him; Rosaria, Jean, Varka, Klee, Albedo, Lisa, Amber, Eula and everyone else, doesn’t compare to the ones Diluc had given him before but it doesn’t matter because it is enough for Kaeya's heart to not be frozen. To not lock others away from him and to look for the brighter side of things.
Living now might be difficult but he has a reason, a new lease in life and Kaeya would be damned to not live to his fullest.
Having his daughter, being blessed with such a creature. Kaeya wants to change.
You are our only hope.
His father’s last words echo through his mind. Kaeya doesn’t want to think if he and his father have the same feeling when they last saw each other. Maybe they did, maybe his father loved him enough to leave him and make him a pawn for their country or maybe he didn’t.
Either way, Kaeya just wants his daughter to live her life the way she wants to,
Hope…
This little bundle of joy is the sole reason why he gets up in the morning and smile genuinely. She’s his inspiration, motivation, her—
"Hope…"
"Huh?"
"That's her name."
…
..
.
Hope is growing up too fast. Kaeya could still recall how she used to be all pink and wrinkly and now she knows how to run and talk.
Sometimes Kaeya wishes she has a part of her energy but then again he was never an active child. It was Diluc who used to be playful and never getting tired.
Stupid Ragnvindr genes, he sighs internally and regrets the loss of his youthful energy as he tries to chase his daughter in the street.
"Sir Kaeya!" A familiar voice calls upon him and just as he stops, he takes a leap and grabs Hope and carries her into his arms.
"Lisa! What can I help you with?" He says after blowing a raspberry on his daughter's pudgy cheeks. Hope giggles at the act and cuddles close around Kaeya's nape.
Lisa huffs after running towards them. Poor lady, she appears to have been looking for them everywhere. "Jean told me to immediately find you."
Oh no. This doesn't sound good. "Why?" He tries his best to not sound afraid.
"It's about Diluc.” She looks solemnly and momentarily, Kaeya freezes. “He's back."
Like a mirror, Kaeya's world immediately shutters. This can't be happening… This must be a joke right? Diluc he's… back. What should he do? Kaeya has lived his life peacefully, picked up the broken pieces of himself and took care of Hope all by him and now this…
He's not yet ready.
He knows he keeps telling himself that he still loves Diluc but that doesn't mean he's not scared. That night when they confronted… Kaeya never felt true fear until then.
Diluc hated him. Rage and anger flowing uncontrollably from him and being defenseless against someone who is physically stronger than him, and with a Vision no less. Kaeya was lucky that he managed to outwit Diluc and used his brains to survive the whole ordeal. Even being blessed with his own Vision…He would have accepted everything back then but now… he has Hope to worry about. He can’t lie to Diluc about her but he's scared what he would do to her if he finds out.
"Kaeya dear, are you alright?" Lisa asks worriedly.
Kaeya holds onto her daughter tightly.
"Mommy?" Hope, now looks at him worriedly.
Kaeya just closes his eye and prays everything is just a dream.