Chapter Text
Killua has never felt quite so terrible in his entire life. Even the torment he suffered back at the Zoldyck household can’t compare to this…this vile, nauseous emotion he’s been experiencing for the past two weeks. It’s like he’s drunk and sober at the same time, everything makes absolutely no sense yet somehow it does. And he absolutely hates it. His stomach is tense from the unending cycle of clenching and unclenching, and his chest so tight that he sometimes can’t breathe.
What frustrates him most is that he can’t identify this nauseating feeling, nor can he suppress it.
It’s as though he’s –
“Shit,” Killua swears under his breath. “Shit, shit, shit.”
He wills himself not to think about it. No, it is most definitely untrue, untrue that he sees Gon as anything more than a brother and best friend. There’s no way that can happen. Killua’s a healthy young man – intelligent, handsome, normal – who has not a single female acquaintance, or any other acquaintances at that, and spends basically all of his time with none other than…
Fuck.
Killua wants to crawl somewhere underneath a rock and be left to rot. Or that a lightning conveniently strikes him and kills him. So he won’t have to deal with this shit – the catastrophic complications of one single, not-so-unadulterated thought – or a curious-looking Gon, who’s sitting right next to him at the moment, head turned towards Killua with a raised brow that demands answers.
Answers that Killua doesn’t have, or rather, unwilling to give.
“I missed the deadline for my essay,” Killua lies, staring down at his lecture notes and struggling to keep himself sane and composed. But then he bites his lower lip, because Gon is now scrutinizing him, slowing dismantling the defensive walls that keeps Killua cool and collected.
And of course, Gon just has to see through everything. Why can’t he be oblivious when he needs to be?
“Something’s bothering you,” he states. “Tell me.”
Killua hesitates. Two weeks ago, he would’ve told Gon about almost everything, but now…nothing’s the same anymore. There’s an invisible barrier between them that’s growing thicker by the second. He’s sure Gon’s noticed the divide between them, that unspeakable crack in their relationship.
The thing is, Gon still hasn’t told Killua about the girl he’s seeing. And Killua doesn’t want to pressure Gon into doing things he doesn’t want to. But he’s glad he’s still able to speak to Gon normally – despite the thorn that’s constantly prickling at his guts – except it takes greater effort to do so with each passing day.
Then again, Gon’s staring at Killua so intensely that Killua feels himself naked. Naked and totally defenseless as Gon pulls him into his fervent gaze.
It’s only for a tenth of a second. But Killua’s eyes fall on Gon’s lips, slightly parted as though restraining some words, appearing as delicious as ever, and Killua wonders if it’s as soft as it looks, or as delectable in taste as in his dreams –
“I’m seeing someone,” Killua blurts. Now he just wants to die and never exist. His face is as red as a boiled lobster, with a blank expression that matches Gon’s.
When Gon doesn’t speak and the silence grows so awkward that Killua wishes to be shot on the spot, Killua stands up abruptly, almost sending the chair beneath him tumbling over.
“I’m going to grab something to drink,” Killua mutters, too mortified to look at Gon, who’s probably still shocked at Killua’s pathetic outburst.
Killua heads for the door, shame making his every step heavy as lead. He needs to keep his shit together, or else he’ll really ruin everything.
“Killua,” Gon says, with an emotion Killua doesn’t recognize. “I –”
Whatever Gon intends to say is cut by his vibrating phone. Between Killua and the person calling, Killua wonders who’s more important to Gon. But Killua isn’t brave enough to stay and find out.
“You should probably pick that up,” Killua says. The words are hollow, and tastes like sand on his tongue.
He doesn’t give Gon a chance to respond before closing the door behind him. And when he hears Gon’s muffled chuckle – a sound so familiarly beautiful yet completely foreign – Killua realizes that he’s lost the only light in his dark, empty world.
Gon is distracted.
He can’t concentrate on anything. Not when a certain white-haired boy had looked at him with the eyes of a shattered soul.
And worse of all, Killua is in love with someone, someone Gon doesn’t know.
And it hurts, for some reason. The prospect of Killua in another person’s embrace is just…ridiculous and impossible and so, so inappropriate.
Is that why he’s been acting so strange and aloof? Because he’s got a girlfriend?
Okay, maybe Gon doesn’t have the right to judge him, seeing as he hasn’t told Killua about his own girlfriend. But in his defense, Gon merely wants everything to become official before he breaks the news to Killua. Or maybe, Gon’s simply too cowardly to tell Killua, that if he doesn’t get settled in a relationship any sooner he’s afraid might actually fall in love with –
“You haven’t touched your food.”
That night, Gon knew Killua was awake, and he’d caught him staring at the ceiling out of habit whenever Killua’s in distress or too traumatized by the ghost of his past to sleep. But Gon had been there for him, was there if Killua needed to talk. In the end, Killua didn’t say anything, leaving Gon completely confused and frustrated.
It’s not like Gon doesn’t care about his best friend, it’s just that sometimes, he can’t understand him if he doesn’t tell him anything. And Gon wants to understand Killua, to protect him, to stay with him forever –
“Gon.”
Gon blinks. Once, then twice, before reality slowly resurfaces and all thoughts of Killua dissipate.
Palm Siberia is sitting opposite of him, arms crossed, and doesn’t look anywhere near happy. She’s staring at Gon like she’s about to erupt. And Gon, so mortified that he’s left his girlfriend unattended while he’s carried away in his own thoughts, musters the most apologetic look he can manage.
“Oh god, Palm –” Gon begins. What on earth am I doing?
“Save your breath.” Her beautiful face is layered with annoyance, lips pressed into a tight line.
She’s not the most forgiving person in the world, Gon has known from the start, but she’s also the most passionate person in the world. If she has her eyes set on a goal, she’d do anything to achieve it. That’s what Gon finds attractive about her. And that’s why he doesn’t want to lose her.
But before Gon can react, she’s already out of the restaurant. Gon apologizes to the waiter and quickly pays for the untouched meal.
And then, he runs.
He’s desperate to find Palm, and realizes, in the heat of the search, how much he treasures her, and how important she is to him. He doubts he’ll ever meet another girl like her, someone who shares his vision, his passion and his enthusiasm…
Right now, Palm matters most.
Palm’s the one for me, Gon tells himself, forcing down the image of beautiful, melancholic blue eyes as he closes in on the girl of his dreams.
Palm is about to cross the road when Gon pulls her into his arms, calling her name over and over again and muttering his apology. Her expression is soft when Gon looks down at her and cups her cheeks in his hands, and he says to himself that he’ll never let go of her. With the courage he doesn’t know it exists until now, he leans in and captures her plump lips with his.
Right now, Palm is his world.