Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Why are we doing this, again?”

“Because someone won’t stop leaving hickeys on my neck even though I told him to cut it out.” Armin hissed, furiously brushing at his choppy bangs in the passenger mirror. “I cannot believe you don’t have any dry shampoo in your bathroom.”

“Stop complaining, you look good. I don’t know why you’re so worried, anyways, they’re your friends.”

“I’m not worried,” Armin mumbled, “I just don’t want it to look like we were up ‘til two in the morning.”

“But we were.”

“They don’t need to know that.” 

“They didn’t need to know about us, either, as you’ve stated before.”

“Yeah, and then you had to go and mark the shit out of my neck.”

“You certainly weren’t objecting at the time-”

“ And Eren decided it was a good idea to answer my phone for me while I was on the toilet. That fucking kid, I swear to god.”

Armin had been testy all morning, and made a terrible show of trying to hide his nerves. He looked away from Erwin, drumming his fingers against Erwin’s glove compartment and staring resolutely ahead at the parked car in front of them.

“Are you really that worried they’re not going to like me?”

“No. You’re pretty likable, unfortunately.”

Erwin blinked. Getting a complement wasn’t necessarily a rare thing from Armin, and he wasn’t cold or reserved, either. But he was aloof, to the point where it often seemed like nothing in the world could possibly impress him.

“It’s just that…” Armin trailed off, pursing his lips and clearly thinking his next words over carefully. He glanced around at his surroundings, at Erwin’s nice, clean car, his pressed shirt, his expensive haircut.

“I don’t want them to think I’m seeing you for the wrong reasons.”

“What, they’re going to think I’m your sugar daddy or something?”

“Or something.” Armin mumbled, “And it’s actually not an unfair assumption.”

“ Oh ?”

“We’re not having that conversation right now. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. That’s what everyone else does, anyways.”

“And it’s not like that with me?”

“C’mon, Erwin, you know it's not. You’re a total pushover, you just hide it well beneath the suits and everything.”

“I am not.” Erwin huffed.

“Whatever. Let’s just get this over with, then we can go back to your place and blow off some steam.”

Erwin stepped out of the car with Armin. The latter paused where he stood and looked up as a gentle breeze tousled his hair. The September afternoon sky was cloudless and a bright, clear blue. It wasn’t fall yet, and it certainly wasn’t getting cold, but the oppressive heat of the summer was finally beginning to retreat. Armin sighed as the cool air hit his face; Erwin could practically see him standing in a sunny, flower-covered field, canary grass and yellow mustard plants rustling against his legs while the wind rose around him. He looked more at home there in Erwin’s pretty mental picture than he did standing on the gray, cigarette-butt laden sidewalk. Erwin had half a mind to grab him by the waist, pull him close, and tell him they should just forget about the whole thing. Not just the meeting, but everything. Go drive somewhere and never look back.

“Do you think the two of us combined could survive off the grid? Like, completely removed from all of society?”

Armin scrunched his face up.

“What the fuck?”

“Never mind. Let’s go.”

“You’re weird.”

Eren and Mikasa were already sitting and waiting at an outdoor table by the time they arrived. Mikasa was sipping a latte with the same neutral (or bored) facial expression she’d had at the party. Eren, however, had forgone a beverage and skipped straight to glaring daggers as Erwin seated himself directly across from him. Erwin was not an easily intimidated man, and it was certainly going to take more than whatever shovel talk Eren had in store for him. 

“Hey, guys. You know Erwin.”

“We’ve met.” Mikasa said coolly as Eren leaned forward. Erwin had sat through enough passive-aggressive corporate meetings to recognize a power play when he saw one, and sat up resolutely in his seat, not budging an inch as Eren’s face moved closer to his. 

“What are your intentions with Armin.”

Well, at least the kid was to the point. Armin groaned in frustration beside him at the same time Mikasa uttered an exasperated “What the fuck, Eren.”

“Thought we were all just here to get to know each other.”

“ We already know each other. We’re here to get to know you, Erwin.” Eren was still leaning in close, too close, an intense emotion burning in his eyes.

“Perhaps you should ask Armin what his intentions are. You ought to know, as his supposed best friend, I could not possibly hope to get him to do something he didn’t want to.”

It was subtle, but from the corner of his eye, he could see Armin smile shyly at that.

“Anyways, he is an adult. One who has proven to me on countless occasions that he can take care of himself, and as such, I am going to trust that he is a good judge of character, which is why I’m not scared of you. Perhaps you ought to extend me the same courtesy, unless you think he’s someone who needs to be looked after.”

Bit aggressive , a small part of Erwin’s mind worried. But after another moment of intense scrutiny, Eren finally leaned back in his seat, seemingly pleased with Erwin’s answer. 

“Alright. But don’t think I won’t fuck you up. I still have a hole in my bedroom wall from where I punched it, so. You know.”

“That’s not the flex you think it is, Eren.” Mikasa said with a slight frown.

“I mean, it means I can hit pretty hard. Maybe not as hard as you, Mikasa, but-“

“Wait, that’s still there ?” Armin hissed, “Dude, we’re not gonna get our deposit back if you don’t get that fixed!”

The conversation from that point flowed easily enough, centered on the day-to-day minutiae of average adult life. Eren was a physical therapist, something Erwin knew next to nothing about, but he was able to bond over the dullness of paperwork and petty office politics with Mikasa, who, like him, worked a desk job in the city. He was struck by how much she reminded him of Levi–they were cousins, he supposed–in terms of her bluntness and aloof nature that teetered on apathy, but never quite went over the edge. Eren was…interesting, but he had calmed down considerably after being assured, and he even had a distinct charisma about him once he’d stopped glaring at Erwin.

Hours later, they parted ways, Armin promising to let Eren know when he was heading home and Mikasa and Erwin surreptitiously exchanging business cards. Their respective offices didn’t really work on anything in common, but one could never have too many business acquaintances. Armin’s hand found his easily, and the two walked in step towards Erwin’s car, both squinting in the bright gold, late afternoon sun.

“That went well.” Armin said after a few moments as Erwin unlocked the car.

“You think so?” Erwin asked as he opened the passenger door for Armin, who had a thoughtful expression as he stepped in.

“Oh, don’t be so modest. You crushed that.”

Erwin couldn’t help the smug little grin that pulled the corners of his mouth at that. A feeling of self-assuredness washed over him, and he leaned over to press a firm kiss to Armin’s lips, hand placing itself gently on the inside of Armin’s thigh. He pulled away, and Armin had a wide-eyed, bewildered smile on his face.

“You said something earlier about blowing off some steam?” Erwin asked, smirking as he watched the black of Armin’s pupils dilated. 

“I think I remember saying that.”

Erwin twisted the key in the ignition, the car gently purring to life.

“Let’s go, then. We’re burning daylight.”

-0-

It was late, far later than Erwin would have normally been out. It was also a Wednesday, which meant the bar was not nearly as crowded as it might’ve been otherwise. On any other night, that would’ve been a good thing. But there was something rather maudlin about spending one’s birthday in a quiet bar.

The place was on the more upscale end of downtown bars, which meant most of the people there were yuppies drinking together after work. The interior was dark and furnished with leather and Edison bulbs and fake brass piping, and it had some pretentiously twee name. It wasn’t exactly an environment conducive to excitement, which Erwin supposed shouldn’t have been disappointing. He was halfway to forty now, after all, and had surely endured enough debauchery in college to last a lifetime. 

Maybe it would’ve been better if half his coworkers weren’t there. Hanji, Mike, and Levi were more than enough company for him, especially once Hanji got a few rounds in. He didn’t mind the chatting with the coworkers when he was at the office, especially when whatever water cooler gossip being passed around was more interesting than the work he had to get done that day (and it almost always was). But he could only take so much griping who was getting such-and-such corner office, who was plotting this-or-that acquisition, and, of course, the preening over whichever successful marketing pivot or department reorganization they were involved with.

No one ever thinks they’re going to get like that once they’re older , Erwin thought , and here I am having drinks with them. I am them.

Most of them had left at that point, luckily, and the few stragglers remaining were standing over by the bar, leaving Erwin with his truest and oldest friends at a dark table by the window. There was little to no color to speak of inside the actual bar, but the neon lights from the other nearby businesses pooled into an oily spectrum onto the shiny black table. Erwin lazily traced his finger along a streak of cobalt blue reflected from the sign of the sushi place across the street as Hanji chatted about…well, something, in a very animated manner. 

His phone vibrated from within his pocket. Erwin couldn’t rationally explain how he always knew it was Armin texting him, like a sixth sense. But he always did.

Armin: wyd

Erwin surreptitiously rolled his eyes, smiling despite himself. He wasn’t drunk, per se, but he was far along enough in the evening to feel pleasantly warm and sluggish. He took a sip of his cocktail (some overpriced martini Hanji had insisted upon) and opened the message up, a vague desire to kiss Armin popping up in the back of his mind as he did so.

Erwin: I’m out right now

Armin: party boy

Armin: me too

Erwin had turned his phone off while waiting for Armin to reply, and when he saw that the third text Armin sent him was a photo, he had the good sense to excuse himself to the restroom. The photo itself was pretty tame (a selfie of Armin smiling and staring smolderingly into the camera with an enormous plastic pitcher in hand), but Erwin wanted just a few minutes to be able to devote his attention entirely to Armin.

Erwin: Handsome as always

Armin: aren’t you sweet <3

Armin: what are you doing out ?

Erwin: It’s my birthday today, actually.

Armin: ew, you’re a libra

Armin: why didn’t you tell me???

Erwin: That I was a libra? I don’t even know what that means

Armin: that it was your birthday.

Erwin leaned against the bathroom counter, trying to get what Armin was playing at. No, he hadn’t told him, but it hadn’t really come up, either. 

Erwin: You didn’t ask

Armin: no cause why tf would i just randomly ask that??

Erwin: Fair enough, I suppose

Armin: lets link

Armin: cmoooon let me ha g out

Armin: shit

Armin: meant to type hang

Erwin: Yeah, that would look great to my coworkers

Armin: What’s that supposed to mean?

Oops. Erwin’s mouth zipped itself into a tight-lipped grimace as he tried to think of a response that would adequately get him out of that one, all too quickly remembering why he had long ago sworn off drunk texting his partners. Of course, he wasn’t really drunk, and he supposed Armin wasn’t really his partner. He was, in a sense. But in a very temporary, transient sense. 

Erwin should not have cared nearly as much about messing things up as he currently did. He had never really cared about it before, not until Marie, at least. And things with Armin…well, they certainly couldn’t be permanent, anyways. Why worry about it, he rationalized, though not fully convincing himself.

“Hurry up in there,” Levi’s bark from the other side of the bathroom door snapped Erwin out of his thoughts, “We’re going to Smokey’s Tavern after this. I think Hanji might actually start dancing on tables.”

“Haven’t seen that in a while.” Erwin mumbled as he carefully tapped his thumbnail against the screen of his phone. 

Erwin: I don’t think you’d like my coworkers.

“You’re not gonna see it at all if you don’t come on. Seriously, you’d better be dropping a Guinness-level turd in there.”

“Thanks, Lee.” 

Armin: nice save

Erwin: I’ll talk to you later 

Armin: Booooooo

Erwin shoved the phone to the bottom of his pocket as he exited the bathroom, determined to ignore the dull vibration it gave off a few moments later. Levi looked as bored as ever when he swung the door open, nowhere near visibly drunk. Erwin had always envied Levi’s ability to consume enormous amounts of alcohol to minimal effect, especially when they were still in college, but he did wonder if it got old. Sometimes in life, Erwin reasoned, what you really need to untangle your wiring was to get good and drunk, and Levi clearly hadn’t had a good untangling in a while.

Hanji and Mike, on the other hand. As the four exited the bar, Mike was being unusually talkative, and Hanji, despite wearing a very practical pair of boots, looked moments away from tumbling into the road, skipping along the well-lit street weightlessly while clutching both Mike and Levi’s arms for dear life. Erwin followed closely behind them and, when it seemed his friends weren’t paying attention, took the opportunity to check his phone yet again, his will to avoid any more texting swiftly crumbling away. Armin had sent him two messages in the ten minutes that his attention had been otherwise occupied.

Armin: fine, if you don’t want to hang out with me, i’ll find someone else who will ;P

The second message Erwin had received on the walk over to Smokey’s was sent an astonishingly quick six minutes later. Armin had that delightful, impish little smirk on his face as his eyes glinted red from the neon lights of wherever the hell he was, the one Erwin liked to pretend was reserved just for him. He knew, of course, that it wasn’t, but it still didn’t help having definitive proof of it right in front of his eyes. A tall, scruffy-looking man with what was either an unfortunate birthmark or a face tattoo smiled lazily into the camera. The photo was dark and at a somewhat awkward angle, but Erwin could still make out the clear outline of the man’s arm around Armin’s waist.

Armin: this one’s cute…he’s a musician, too…

Erwin: Have fun with him

Armin: oh i always do

Erwin: don’t know what you want me to do about it

Armin: what do you want to do about it??

Erwin: What kind of crazy asshole do you think I am?

Armin: no i actually just think you’re an asshole

Fuck it, fuck it . Erwin was already fumbling for his wallet and his jacket as he quickly acquiesced to Armin’s teasing.

Erwin: where are you

Just moments later (Erwin realized with a petty little stab of pride that Armin was probably paying more attention to Erwin’s messages than whatever loser he had picked up), the location of some bar had been dropped to him. Without the use of public transit, it would be a nearly twenty minute walk, but at the moment, Erwin’s adrenaline was too high to really care. 

“I think I’m gonna head out.” He said, nudging Levi’s shoulder as he slid out of the booth.

“Are you kidding me?”

“Nope. Stuff to do tomorrow, you know how it is.”

“It’s your birthday , man.”

“Which means you’re not allowed to be annoyed with me.”

By the look on his face, Levi was definitely still annoyed. Luckily for Erwin, though, he apparently was not in an argumentative mood, letting Erwin rise to pull his jacket on and wave apologetically to Mike and Hanji, who were still waiting to flag down a bartender.

“Hope whoever it is, they’re worth it.” Levi said over the top of his glass, cooly arching an eyebrow as he sipped at his beer.

“Probably not.”

The bar was too loud for him to hear what Levi’s response was, if he even gave one. Erwin strode to the exit and pushed the door open with more force than was necessary.

He wants crazy , Erwin thought, zipping his jacket and bracing against the cold night air, I’ll give him crazy.

But even as he stormed to the location Armin had dropped him, he could feel his annoyance dissipating with every step, despite his very best efforts to keep it alive and burning in his chest. By the time he made it to the bar, which was considerably dingier and seemed awfully crowded for a Wednesday, it had faded to the point where his heart clenched upon seeing Armin waiting for him under the sickening orange glow of a streetlamp. Students, artists, and other young people were streaming in and out of the bar behind him, and Erwin could hear gritty garage rock blasting from inside.

Armin swayed slightly as a cold wind whipped across the street. His expression was inscrutable as Erwin strolled up to him.

“What’s your problem, asshole?”

“You’re gonna talk to me like that on my birthday?”

“You didn’t even bother to tell me it was your birthday, I’ll talk to you how I like.”

“I don’t like making a big deal out of it.”

“Oh, is that why you went out with all your other friends tonight?” 

Armin wasn’t making any moves to put any physical distance between himself and Erwin, who was now standing directly in front of him, ensconced in the orange spotlight by the side of the dirty street. But he didn’t look happy, either, his eyebrows knitted tightly together and lips pursed into a thin, angry red line.

“Are you really doing this right now?”

“Doing what right now?” Armin said with an accusatory sneer. Erwin could feel the annoyance rising in him once more.

“Causing a scene.”

“Leave if you don’t like it.”

“You made me come all the way out here!”

“I didn’t make you do anything, I’m not the boss of you.”

Erwin opened his mouth, ready to retort, before realizing he wasn’t really sure what he wanted to say. He’d be lying to himself if he said he’d never gotten into a shouting match with a lover outside of a bar (back in his so-called prime, it was an all-too common occurrence), but he really did not feel like getting into one now, if for no other reason than he still kind of wanted to kiss Armin.

Armin tapped his booted foot, swaying gently in the cold night breeze but never looking close to falling. 

“C’mon, Armin, I know you’re mad at me.”

“I am not.”

“Then what is it, Armin?”

Armin glared at him for a moment longer before his lips began to tremble ever-so-slightly, instantly tugging uncomfortably at Erwin’s chest. He placed his face in his hands and inhaled deeply, his voice a little shaky as he spoke.

“Ugh, I’m so sorry. I promise I’m not normally like this!”

“Like what, Armin?”

“Out of control. Messy.”

Armin looked up at him with a pitiful expression. He did look a bit of a mess, admittedly. He may have started the night with a neat application of coal-black eyeliner on, but now, his big, doe eyes were ringed with sooty, smudged circles and running mascara. His freckles were dark, and his cheeks were flushed and ruddy from the alcohol and the cold wind. 

“You look beautiful.” Erwin said, meaning it completely. Armin barked a short laugh and rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his palm. He swallowed thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing gently beneath the black choker around his neck. Erwin watched the movement, enthralled.

“I just don’t like being embarrassing.”

“You’re not embarrassing. You’re wonderful.”

“I thought I told you never to bullshit me.”

“I’m not.” Erwin was being, for once in his life, completely sincere. 

Armin studied his face intently for several minutes, eyes peeled and searching for any hint of disingenuousness and, upon seeing none, sniffed and looked away, staring resolutely out at the dark alley across the street. 

“Is that why you don’t want your friends to know I exist?”

Erwin carefully raised his arm up, as though Armin was a wild animal that would run away (or attack) at the slightest provocation. When Armin didn’t flinch or move to turn away, he gently placed his arm around Armin’s slender shoulders.

“I don’t want them to think I’m seeing you for the wrong reasons.”

Armin smirked, reaching up to squeeze the hand resting on his shoulder.

“I’ve heard that one before.”

“Oh yeah?”

Armin shrugged and reached into his jacket, pulling out a pack of menthols and placing one between his lips. He was still shaking slightly, either from emotion or the cold or both. Erwin tightened his grip around the younger man’s arms, watching intently as Armin maneuvered a glittery lighter from within his cigarette pack.

“You mind?” He asked, looking over to Erwin and lighting the tip when the other man shook his head.

“Didn’t think you were a regular smoker.” Erwin said as Armin inhaled thoughtfully. His lips were red from being chapped, and formed a perfect little ‘o’ as he exhaled.

“I’m not. But they’re nice when you’re drunk. Or when you’ve just slept with someone.” Armin added with a wink.

“I don’t think I’ve ever actually shared a cigarette after sex.” 

“It’s nice.” Armin offered the cigarette to Erwin, who obliged. “It’s an intimate thing to do with someone, I guess.”

“You’ll have to prove it to me sometime.”

It was cold outside, and Erwin was not interested in hanging out outside a dingy dive longer than he had to. He called an Uber as Armin finished his cigarette, the two staying huddled together for warmth.

“Sorry for ruining your birthday.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.”

“I’m serious. I don’t know why I get like this. I, um…I thought I’d grow out of it.” Armin said sheepishly. Erwin shook his head. 

“Trust me, I get it.”

The wind was blowing harder now. It had an earthy, strangely sweet smell to it; it was going to storm soon.

“Want me to give you a present to make up for it, anyways?” Armin said, his face slowly easing into a sly smirk. Erwin shook his head decisively, squeezing Armin’s hand in his as he waved to their approaching Uber.

“When we get home, you are going to bed, young man.”

Armin made a show of pouting as he climbed into the car and buckled his seatbelt, but was already beginning to yawn as the car pulled away, resting his head against Erwin’s shoulder and closing his eyes. Wordlessly, he took out the pack of menthols and slipped them into Erwin’s coat pocket, giving it a gentle pat. 

“Whatever you say.”

-0-

Things really were nice with Armin. That was the problem. 

In the weeks following his birthday, Erwin had come to several troubling conclusions. For one, thanks to a Facebook post Levi had linked him to, he now had definitive proof of the age gap between them, with Armin being nearly nine years his junior. When there wasn’t a specific number attached, it was a lot easier for him to handwave any gnawing doubts at the back of his mind surrounding entering into a relationship with someone that much younger than him. He’d never been one to chase after people out of his age range; he’d not had reservations in the past going out with people older and younger than him in equal measure, but it simply wasn’t something he thought about extensively. 

What was worse, though, was that the problem did not lie in Erwin’s feelings. Armin did things that made little sense to Erwin sometimes, and a lot of his jokes and references simply did not land with the older man. But there was something deeper there, a more basic and all-encompassing level of understanding between the two of them, a kind of kinship such that it never bothered Erwin. To anyone on the outside, though…

Erwin was reflecting on these conclusions at the worst possible time: Armin was in his bed, sleeping peacefully by his side, blissfully unaware of the mental maelstrom the older man was experiencing. Erwin was plagued with another one of his bouts of insomnia, which wasn’t helped by his thoughts. Armin was curled up in his favorite sleeping position, his head across Erwin’s chest and his arm across Erwin’s stomach.

No, it simply didn’t look good, him getting with someone like Armin so soon after the engagement announcement. Erwin could tell himself it wasn’t a rebound or a pathetic attempt to feel more ‘like a man’, and maybe the people who really mattered would realize that wasn’t the case, either. Erwin was an exceedingly private person these days when it came to his personal affairs, probably as a side effect of his exploits being so prominently broadcasted to his friend group in the past. The last thing he needed was people gossipping behind his back even more than they already did. 

Perhaps the most sobering conclusion, though, was that he was beginning to like Armin far too much for what this was.

Armin was whip-smart and quick-witted, he was kind and fiery in equal measures, and he was perpetually curious. Spontaneous but a great planner when he had to be. Brilliant but frequently unorganized. He had a very strange sense of humor and terrible taste in music, and he always smelled good even when he was wearing his muddy work clothes. Like lavender and peaches, smoke and dirt.

The man beside him in bed, the object of his burgeoning affection, huffed softly in his sleep, turning away from Erwin to lie on his stomach. The covers had slipped off from around his shoulders, exposing the smooth ivory skin of his back. It was late October; his summer tan was long gone. Erwin’s eyes slid from his back to his wrist, lying delicately across Erwin’s pillow. It was too dark for Erwin to see it clearly, but he knew that the skin there was so thin, the bright blue of the veins right underneath it would be visible. In the darkness, Erwin’s hand found Armin’s, cradling it and gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb. Sleep seemed an unlikely prospect for him, and he had a few decisions to make before Armin woke up.

-0-

Erwin had never cared for November. He didn’t like how dead and dry the world became, how it got dark at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, how it was cold enough to be miserable at times but not cold enough for snow. 

When it came accompanied with a sharp, nauseating sensation of guilt, it was even worse.

It was the night before Election Day, and he and Levi were both at Mike’s, drinking and watching Monday Night Football while taking turns griping about their days and providing their own inexpert commentary on the game. 

His phone had buzzed twice in his pocket in the last fifteen minutes. That sixth sense of his was going off like an annoying little alarm bell in his brain, telling him Armin was texting him and that he really should answer.

Erwin knew ahead of time that he was going to be receiving those texts. And he knew ahead of time he was going to ignore them.

“-well, what do you think, Erwin?”

“Pardon?” Erwin looked up as Mike said his name. 

“About how the Vikings are shaping up this season?”

“Ah, I really don’t know.” Erwin froze for a split second as his phone began buzzing at him insistently. Of course Armin was calling him. Erwin supposed declining the call would’ve gotten the point across adequately, but couldn’t quite bring himself to, opting to instead let it go to voicemail.

“Well, aren’t the Vikings your team?”

“Packers.” Erwin muttered, hastily turning his phone to ‘Do Not Disturb’ and slipping it back into his coat pocket. 

“Oh. Right.”

Levi and Mike were both quiet for a moment. Levi was scrolling through his phone with a small, confused frown on his face, while Mike stared at Erwin with a subtle but unmistakable expression of concern. 

The game played itself out on the television as Erwin’s eyes stared listlessly at the screen. Players and coaches floated in and out of his line of sight as he finished his beer, feeling it splashing on his tongue and sliding down his throat without really tasting it. As the game wrapped up, Levi looked at him as though he wanted to ask him something. Instead, the two men tugged their coats on wordlessly and left with nothing more than a cordial wave goodbye.

Erwin took the bus home, rubbing his eyes tiredly and shivering. His body felt strangely exhausted, but his mind continued to race with a desire to call Armin, to explain himself, to apologize, hell, to just hear the man’s voice. Instead, he compromised by hastily jerking off to the memory of the last time Armin had been in his bed. Afterwards, he slipped on his coat and sat out on his balcony in total darkness. It had already been cold enough to begin with, and freezing sleet was beginning to mist down from the cloudy black sky. Erwin cupped his hands around one of the menthols Armin had given him and lit up, trying to remember what Armin’s skin smelled like as the smoke burned its way down his throat.

-0-

The park was of a decent size, given how close to downtown it was, but there wasn’t much to see there in late November. The leaves had faded to brown, the grass was brown, the flowers were brown. It was a cold, gray day, and the park was silent except for the occasional honk from the geese taking off from the murky pond. Erwin had an extended lunch break that day, and had made the bold decision to take the opportunity to explain himself to his estranged partner in a neutral and public location.

From the parking lot behind him, Erwin could hear a bulky-sounding car pull into a spot, idling for a moment before quieting to a stop. He turned around to see an enormous, mud-caked pickup truck switching its headlights off. It looked like it used to be white, and it had a faded orange logo on the side that may have once been a company name and phone number, but was now totally illegible.

Armin was sitting in it. With the distance between them and the tint on the windshield, Erwin had no idea what kind of expression he had on his face. All he could tell was that Armin was staring at him from the driver’s seat, not moving, not looking away.

Come on , Erwin gestured after a few moments. He could see Armin drum his fingers against the steering wheel before eventually twisting in his seat, grabbing a black peacoat from the passenger's seat and hastily pulling it on as he maneuvered his way out of the vehicle.

His arms were wrapped tightly around himself–Erwin knew he didn’t like the cold--and he kept his gaze squarely forward as he walked towards Erwin. He stopped several feet away, poised by the black fence by the pond with a steely expression on his face. The cold wind blew a choppy lock of golden hair in his eyes, and an errant thought from somewhere deep and dormant in the back of Erwin’s mind told him to step forward and tenderly tuck it back behind the young man’s ear. He, of course, refrained from doing so.

“Well?” Armin said, an expectant look on his face. 

“I thought we could talk.”

“I gathered.”

Armin wasn’t going to make this easy. 

“I feel you’re owed an apology. And an explanation.”

“You think?” Armin said bitterly, his fingers twisting in the thick fabric of his coat as his eyebrows knit closely together. 

“I didn’t want to hurt you by leading you on, but it seems I over-corrected. I apologize for not being forthcoming to begin with.”

Armin scoffed, eyes rolling upwards in frustration as he muttered something under his breath.

“Have something to say to me, Armin?”

“No, you fucking asshole.” Armin looked like he was doing his best not to glower, but Erwin knew well that he wasn’t always the most patient person. “You know, you could’ve just been up front to begin with. I always understood our thing as being casual, anyways.”

Erwin’s lip twisted back in what he hoped wasn’t too obvious a grimace. That was the problem, wasn’t it? By all accounts, it was a casual relationship, as Armin had said. There was absolutely no reason for Erwin to think otherwise.

And yet, something indescribable tugged at his chest whenever he considered that fact. All the more reason to end things there.

“I know.” That was all Erwin could say in response. By the look on Armin’s face, it was nowhere near enough.

“Then why are you doing all this? If…if you met someone else, or just don’t want to see me anymore, that really is fine. But I need you to tell me that.”

“I know.”

“Ugh! I know you know, I just want a straight answer from you!” Armin’s frustration bubbled to the surface. “What’s so wrong with me that you randomly decide to ghost me for three weeks?”

“Nothing’s wrong with you!” Erwin exclaimed, a bit loud and sudden. He felt bad when Armin jumped slightly, and did his best to soften his voice. “It’s not-”

“I know you’re not about to tell me, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. You should know better than that.”

Erwin did. And for that reason, he kept his mouth shut, breaking eye contact with Armin to look out over the distant city skyline, into the cold, gray sky above.

“I mean, come on, Erwin. I know you’re more mature than this.”

“I think I entered into this for the wrong reasons.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

“Hey!” Erwin snapped, despite himself. “If I remember correctly, you were trying to make your ex jealous when we met.”

“Totally different.” Armin said with a defiant sneer. “I never made that your problem.”

“Well, I am trying to avoid making my problems your problems. Trust me, you don’t want to have to deal with my baggage.”

“Your baggage.” Armin huffed with disdain and rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic, everyone has baggage. It’s not an excuse to be an asshole.” 

“I know that.”

“And yet here we are. If you're going to ghost me over your ‘baggage’ you could at least tell me what exactly it is.”

“My former best friend is marrying my ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh.” Armin’s eyes went wide with surprise, probably more due to Erwin’s forwardness than the actual admission. A beat passed in silence. “That is, uh.”

“It is what it is.”

“Are you still in love with her?”

“No.”

“…But it still affected your decision to get involved with me?”

“Maybe. No. I don’t know. I don’t know.” Erwin heaved a heavy sigh. He had always been so good with his words, so completely and totally able to make himself understood by those around him. But now, right when he needed them, the words that would make everything okay were nowhere to be found. He did his best, as always.

“I meant it when I said I wasn’t in love with her.”

“I believe you.”

“But I also…fuck!” Erwin’s frustratedly turned away, pinching the skin between his eyes as he tried to divine the words he wanted to say.

“Erwin…”

It shocked him how gentle Armin’s voice sounded in that moment. Erwin didn’t want to look back up at him, didn’t want to see whatever sad expression he had on his face. He couldn’t bear it.

“Let me ask you something.” Armin said, calmly and cooly. After what felt like an eternity, Erwin finally looked up and met Armin’s imploring gaze with his own.

“Be honest, if you can. Am I just…” Armin sighed deeply. “Was I, like, your version of a midlife crisis?”

It was quiet, except for the distant sounds of traffic and the honking of a lonely, solitary goose. A cold wind blew Armin’s hair into his face, breaking his intense eye contact with Erwin. Still, neither of them moved an inch.

“I’m still a bit young for that, I thought. But maybe I’m wrong.”

It was moments like this that Erwin really, really wished he could actually be as uncaring as people thought he was. Truth was, though, it never felt good. Letting people down, breaking their hearts. No amount of practice could take the familiar sting out of Erwin’s chest.

“And you said I was the bad one,” Armin said after what felt like an eternity, “How funny.”

Erwin looked away and down over the pond’s dark, still waters. It wasn’t exactly an accusation Erwin could deny. He hadn’t always been the best person to be with, probably still wasn’t. Not that that ever stopped him from getting around (something which itself had caused problems from time to time).

“My lunch is almost over,” Erwin said after a few moments, unable to meet Armin’s piercing gaze, “So I should probably be getting back.”

Armin shrugged, turning smoothly on his heel and pulling his car keys out of his pocket. The truck chirped quietly in the background as Armin unlocked it.

“Okay, then.”

“See you around, Armin.”

“Right.”

Armin didn’t look back the entire time he walked back to the truck. As he sat himself back down in the driver’s seat, Erwin imagined he might look up at him through the windshield like he did before, shooting him one final, longing farewell glance, or perhaps he’d delicately dab a single tear away. Instead, he simply turned the truck back on, sent a quick text on his phone while tossing his wallet in the passenger’s seat, and backed swiftly but precisely out of the parking spot.

Erwin, suddenly feeling the bite of the cold November air more acutely, pulled his own coat tightly around himself and walked at a hurried pace back to the office.

It was for the best.

-0-

Hanji’s house was enormous enough to accommodate every single person Erwin had ever gone to school with, worked with, fucked, fought, and everything in between, which is probably why on big holidays, it was the default choice to hold a party. The building was piled to the rafters with alcohol, raucous music, and seemingly every person Erwin had ever met and then some. It was an old house, with high ceilings and creaky floors, and it groaned and swayed beneath the partygoers.

It was late, and Erwin was weaving in and out of numerous parlors, living rooms, and a handful of home offices filled to bursting with various scientific curios like strange taxidermied animals and glittering geodes. He was enjoying himself immensely; something about the energy of the party, the loud music, the flowing alcohol, the sheer number of faces both familiar and unfamiliar buoyed his recently-flagging spirit. December had not been an easy month for him, and he was ready for it to end. Right now, though, he was on a mission of utmost importance. He was looking for someone. 

“Mike!” 

The name wasn’t his but the voice was familiar, and he turned on his heel to see Hanji standing in the doorframe to her kitchen, glittering like a human disco ball in a sparkly jumpsuit and matching plastic tophat. Her regular pair of glasses were replaced with an enormous, glittery set of novelty shades that did not look at all functional as corrective eyewear, which probably explained why she looked dangerously close to spilling the bottle of wine she held aloft all over her nice hardwood floors.

“It’s Erwin!”

“Oh, shit!” Hanji exclaimed as Erwin stepped forward and took the bottle from her, hastily recorking it before handing it back to her. “How embarrassing, I’ve been doing that all night! 

“Where are your glasses?”

“It’s a party, you don’t need glasses!”

“I’m not sure if that’s true, Hanji.” Erwin said, casting about the kitchen for the face he had been looking for. “Say, have you seen…Actually, never mind. You probably haven’t.”

Hanji probably hadn’t seen anything since she took her glasses off. That didn’t stop her from circling the kitchen, handing off glasses of wine and warm compliments to the partygoers gossiping at the kitchen table. Erwin took the opportunity to try his luck elsewhere.

When he finally found Levi, the other man was lounging on an ottoman in one of the many side rooms off the main hall, surveying the liquor options that sat before him.

“This bar cart has been reclaimed for humanity. And by humanity, I mean you and me.” He said without looking up as Erwin stepped in.

“Fabulous.” Erwin said, seating himself on an outlandishly plush brocade couch. The bar cart looked mercifully and wonderfully full, and Erwin’s gaze found itself drawn to a particularly tempting, bright purple bottle of gin. “You know, I could go for a Tom Collins right about now.”

“Coming right up, sir.”

Erwin watched as Levi mixed the drink up, the gin fizzing into a pretty shade of lavender as the lemon juice was added. He took the glass graciously, twirling it around absentmindedly before taking a long, drawn-out sip, savoring the citrusy taste and the warm burn he felt as it settled in his stomach. 

“Everybody’s here,” Erwin said, contemplating the bubbles fizzing in the glass, “I think I saw Pixis doing tequila shots in the dining room.”

“What the hell are we still doing in here, then?” Levi muttered as he prepared his own beverage. “Speaking of familiar faces, I do feel it's my duty to warn you that a certain someone is here.

“If you’re talking about Nile, I already saw him. I think he may have been the one administering said tequila.”

“I’m not talking about Nile.” 

“Then who-” The look on Levi’s face, a subtle but unmistakable expression of resignation, gave him pause. One potential name was coming up in his mind, but that wouldn’t have made any rational sense. And yet, when he mouthed that name to Levi, the other man’s expression of resignation only grew. “ Surely not.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you, Erwin.”

“How on earth does Hanji know everyone ?”

“I don’t even think he was invited, if it makes you feel better. He came with someone.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“In that case, he did not come here with someone. Hanji is just a prolific social butterfly.”

“Thanks, Lee.”

“Ope. Speak of the devil.” 

Erwin was determined to keep his eyes on his drink as a distinctive blond figure walked down the hall adjacent to them, laughing carelessly and holding a drink of his own. They were further down, and the alcove he and Levi were currently situated in would’ve been out of his line of sight. 

He had not spoken to Armin since that day in late November. Armin, for his part, had not reached out to him, either. Erwin didn’t blame him. It had been a cruel move, even by Erwin’s standards, to decide their brief and casual fling had to come to an end without any input from Armin (on Armin’s birthday, no less). It wasn’t what adults did, but something about Armin yanked on something perpetually youthful and immature deep in Erwin’s heart, filling him with a vitality and carelessness he hadn’t felt in years. It was what he liked about him; maybe it was selfish of him to want to hold on to the younger man simply because of how good it made him feel.

“Levi!” Hanji’s voice boomed down the hall, snapping Erwin out of his thoughts. “Be a dear and come help me with the champagne.”

“I live to serve,” Levi huffed as he stood up, taking his glass with him. “You good here?”

“I’ll go mingle.” Erwin said, following Levi up. “Not too much longer until the ball drops, anyways.”

Levi disappeared into the nearby kitchen, where Hanji was hastily uncorking a long row of champagne bottles. Erwin wandered further down the hall and took it upon himself to begin to take deeper sips from his cocktail than would’ve been approved by polite society as he amused himself by critiquing the hotel artwork that hung on the wall. Most of it was pretty anodyne; landscapes of beach towns, paintings of various exotic animals, that sort of thing. One hanging piece, which he supposed was meant to be some mass manufacturer’s interpretation of ‘modern art’, was a fascinatingly dull arrangement of circles and squares in various shades of brown and puce. For being as brilliant and odd and eclectic as she was, Hanji’s taste in art seemed to be limited to the discount aisle at the home goods store.

“Erwin?”

The voice that said his name was quiet, but the hallway Erwin stood in was secluded enough that still it took him by surprise as he turned around.

Marie looked as lovely as Erwin had ever remembered. Better, even, since it had been so long since he’d seen her. She was quite tan now, and her eyes had a few more distinct lines of crow’s feet around them. There was something nice about that, Erwin thought, to look at someone and know that they were spending their time laughing out in the sunshine. 

“Marie,” he said, “I thought you must be somewhere around here.”

“I think our entire graduating class must be here.” Marie said with a warm smile. “How are you doing, Erwin? Been up to much?”

Erwin shrugged. “Nothing too interesting. Work. Life. Nothing like your good news.” He added with an expectant raise of his eyebrows. Marie laughed shyly.

“The guy finally worked up the courage to ask me! I was thinking I’d have to do it myself.”

“Congratulations, Marie. That’s just incredible.”

“Thank you. I’m, um.” Marie cut herself off with another laugh. “I’m very excited.”

“I would be. I think the best man won.”

“Oh, stop it, Erwin. I’m not in the mood for melancholy tonight.”

“Nor am I. You’re both very lucky people, I mean that.”

Erwin could only hope his sincerity was being adequately expressed. The smile Marie flashed in response seemed happy and genuine enough. She reached up to sweep the hair from her face, a tiny green peridot on her ring finger winking in the light of the glowing Christmas decorations hanging across the door.  

“And may I ask…well, how about you?” Marie asked.

Erwin pulled his lips into a tight, thin line, shaking his head somewhat ruefully. Marie balked.

“You’re really telling me there hasn’t been anyone ? For Commander Handsome himself ?”

Erwin blushed slightly at the old nickname, rolling his eyes without any malice.

“I got it all out of my system in college.” Erwin said with a sad smile. “Actually, there have been a few, here and there. I think I messed the last one up pretty good, though.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound like the Erwin Smith we all know and love.” Marie said without a hint of irony.

“Seriously? I was a romantic trainwreck when you met me, unless you’ve already forgotten.”

“I guess so, but…I don’t know. You always managed to make things right at the last minute.”

From the main room down the hall, Erwin could hear a great ruckus of people scooting chairs around and calling out to the other rooms. His watch face read 11:59. The year was about to come to an end.

“Ball’s about to drop. We should get back in there.”

“Nile’s probably looking for me anyways.”

“Don’t let him leave without saying hello.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Marie said with a smile.

Erwin leaned in to press a chaste kiss to her cheek, feeling his chest get warm as she laughed breathily. He had loved her, once, and in some ways probably still did. Always would. But that time of their lives had passed. It had served its purpose, and it was time for both of them to move on to bigger and better things.

“Thank you for everything, Marie.”

“10, 9, 8…”

The two rushed into the living room as the countdown began, everyone huddling around the TV holding champagne flutes and noisemakers and the hands of their loved ones. Erwin sidled up beside Levi, hastily taking the glass of champagne the shorter man offered up to him with a small but genuine smile. He could just barely see Armin’s figure at the edge of his vision, standing at the other side of the room with a handful of people Erwin had never met.

“5, 4, 3…”

This was the part of the movie where Erwin was supposed to take Armin by the waist, gracefully dip him down, and passionately crash their lips together into a kiss. But, of course, this wasn’t a movie, so he did none of that. His eyes did slide over briefly to catch Armin’s wide-eyed gaze from across the room, just for a split second, before sliding back to the TV screen.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!”

The room erupted with the sounds of cheering and laughing, people tossing back champagne as they hugged and kissed their loved ones. Beside him, Levi raised his flute as he took his first swig of champagne of the new year. Erwin decided to take advantage of the chaotic energy around them and Levi’s momentary distraction to lean down and press a sloppy kiss to his cheek, grinning madly as Levi made a face of utter revulsion, leaning away to no avail like a cat contorting itself out of the way of a friendly pat. 

“Ugh, fucking nasty, Erwin!”

“Happy New Year, my friend.”

“What are you, a fucking Golden Retriever? Happy New Year, asshole.” Levi grumbled, though he made no attempt to remove Erwin’s arm from his shoulder. Erwin, for his part, was not eager to let go.

-0-

It was well past one in the morning, and although the majority of Hanji’s guests had left not long after midnight, some stragglers were still roaming the halls, chatting quietly and reaching for their coats and emptying the last of the champagne bottles. It was high time for Erwin to call an Uber, or catch a ride with one of his teetotaler friends, or maybe even just crash on the nearest couch like Mike (and Hanji herself) had done.

Something about the prospect of falling asleep, waking on New Year’s Day, and everything in his life going back to how it had been the day before made something cold and heavy turn over in Erwin’s gut. He felt like he did as a child, being sent upstairs to go to bed by the grown-ups, pouting and desperate to join in on the fun. 

He didn’t want things going back to how they were. Erwin was determined to be better when he woke up in the morning. He’d nurse whatever hangover he had and he would do something about himself, he resolved. He’d crawl into an unused bed upstairs or a vacant couch, help clean up the mess the following morning, and he would do his best to be a better friend. A better person. All that after a quick nightcap, he reasoned, wandering back into the kitchen to steal one last sip of champagne before sleep.

The kitchen was occupied by a lone figure, perched atop the counter, long legs crossed elegantly above the dark hardwood floors. His luck was unreasonable. Of course it was Armin, tapping his foot boredly and scrolling through his phone. His shirt, a tightly-fitting top of brilliant cobalt, shimmered under the golden glow of Hanji’s ceiling fixtures, the light bending around him in such a way that he almost looked like he was pulsing where he sat.

Armin looked up from his phone as Erwin crossed the threshold, his face crumpling into a subtle but distinctive expression. It was a cocktail of apprehensiveness, annoyance, and maybe a touch of longing (though the latter may have just been wishful thinking on Erwin’s part).

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.” Erwin said, breaking the stifling silence.

Armin sighed wearily. 

“Hi, Erwin.”

“You seem well.” Erwin flinched internally at how rough the words came out. Armin raised a suspicious eyebrow.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You just seem to be doing well for yourself, that’s all.”

“What, did you think I’d be in pieces or something? Curled up in bed crying to Billie Holiday all day? I’m not pathetic .” Armin had that disaffected air about him, as usual, but his words carried a real bite to them. Armin looked more annoyed than anything, and Erwin was realizing just how scary the younger man could look when his ire was provoked.

“Of course. Sorry.” Erwin said ruefully. Armin hadn’t moved from his perch atop the counter, his foot lazily drawing little figure-eights in the air. 

“So, did you come in here just to bother me?”

“My life doesn’t revolve around you, you know.”

Now it was Armin’s turn to look rueful, and maybe a little embarrassed. He shrugged it off quickly, though, eyes sliding back down to his phone.

“I know you saw me earlier.”

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here, I suppose.” Erwin said, examining a row of discarded champagne bottles, searching for one with just a splash left in it. 

“Came with a friend. Don’t worry, I’ll be leaving soon.”

“You know, Armin, I…” Erwin trailed off, worrying at his bottom lip momentarily as he found what he was looking for, a quarter-full champagne bottle to help him sleep. “I am sorry, you know. Now’s not really the best time, but I figure it might be the last opportunity I get to say that.”

Armin was quiet for a moment, his eyes trained downwards at his phone but not moving, not registering anything on his screen.

“Well, that’s nice of you to say, I guess.”

“I really mean it, Armin.”

“I really fucking liked you, you know!” Armin spat suddenly. Erwin blinked up at the younger man, champagne now forgotten as Armin glowered at him from his perch. “And you then just had to go and be an asshole.”

“I really liked you too, Armin.”

“Not enough to…Oh, forget it. I don’t even care.”

“I know I fucked up, Armin.”

Armin sat silently for a moment, his feet bobbing back and forth in the air absentmindedly as he chewed at his bottom lip.

“I felt bad about liking you, Erwin. Knowing how things were probably gonna go.”

“You shouldn’t feel bad about that kind of thing, ever . Especially since I felt the same way.”

Armin looked away from him, probably in an effort to hide the pinkness of his cheeks as Erwin allowed himself to say the first words that came to his mind.

“I like you enough to embarrass myself by asking to have you back.” Erwin said with sincerity, “And I know the answer is gonna be no, and honestly, that’s probably the best choice you could make. But I realized now that I do want you. Not because of any kind of self-crisis or a desperate need to cling to my youth or to impress my friends or anything else. But because I like you, and I like hanging out with you, and, well. Yeah. That’s it, I suppose.”

“Yeah, well I-” Armin’s retort came fiery and quick, but it died on his lips just as quickly. He didn’t know what to say, whether he should say how he was feeling or if he should just go for another insult to get Erwin to leave him alone. “Well, I don’t know if I even like you anymore, so. There’s that.”

“That’s fair. You could do much better than me. You should do much better than me. But if you ever feel like going against your better judgment, you still have my number.” Erwin said. 

Armin’s phone buzzed, letting him know that his Uber had arrived. He moved to slide off the counter, and to Erwin’s delight, he didn’t jerk away when Erwin offered him his hand to help him down.

“You’re still an asshole, for the record.”

“I know. I’m working on it.”

“Hm. Happy New Year, Erwin.”

Armin stepped out of the kitchen and down a dark hallway, presumably to grab his coat. Erwin watched as he walked away, champagne completely forgotten, his heart fluttering with a sickening blend of trepidation and hope. It was time to find a couch to fall asleep on. The ball was in Armin’s court now, and though Erwin knew that it was more likely than not that nothing would come of it, the weight that had been upon him since November finally began to feel like it was lifting.

-0-

Erwin could try and tell himself his heart was just pounding from the effort it took to walk up the sloping hill up from the parking lot, or that the cold, dry air was necessitating that his heart send blood to the rest of his body at a more rapid pace than usual to compensate. Erwin wasn’t a doctor, and he didn’t really know how all the circulatory stuff worked (Hanji might’ve known), but deep down, he knew none of that was the real reason.

Erwin: walking up now 

Erwin shot a quick text off of his phone as he approached the large, blocky government agency off the side of the busy city street. The midcentury building looked rather utilitarian in nature, all tinted black windows and brown brick siding. The national flag out front swayed limply in the breezeless air as a lone figure stepped through the building’s front doors and scurried over to where Erwin stood.

Armin, his cheeks red and his lips pulled into a tight smile, stood directly in front of him, raising a gloved hand to shield his eyes from the cloud-covered sun. His long black peacoat looked relatively clean, but it was plain to Erwin that the clothes beneath it were covered in mud and outdoor grime. Whatever the hell necessitated the lab Armin worked for to be playing outside in the dirt in the middle of January was anyone’s guess, Erwin thought, smiling back at the man. But here he was anyways.

“You gonna walk into the restaurant dressed like that? Shall we hose you down out back, first?”

“Awfully bold of you to neg someone who’s only giving you another chance out of pity.” Armin grumbled, rolling his eyes but still smiling bemusedly.

“I’m not negging you. I think you look as ravishing as always.”

“Better. But I think I told you once that I don’t like it when you bullshit me.”

“I never do.” Erwin said, pulling out his car keys. “Anything in particular you want to eat?”

“Somewhere expensive. You’re paying, right?” 

“I’ll take you to the nicest place in the city if that’s what you want from me.”

“Good boy. If we’re going to do this, it’s gonna be on my terms, got it?” Armin said with a not entirely unconvincing air of haughtiness, “You’re on thin ice.”

“Whatever you want, Armin.” Erwin said, smiling stupidly despite Armin’s annoyed demeanor. Armin huffed and pulled his obnoxiously bright hunter orange beanie onto his head. Despite how he acted, Erwin knew he didn’t like taking time out of the middle of his day. The fact that he was here with Erwin at all, walking in the cold to get lunch with him, made Erwin’s chest bloom with affection (and maybe a hint of smugness). His affection must’ve been making itself apparent on his face, as Armin looked vaguely disconcerted by the expression with which Erwin was staring at him.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Armin grumbled, “You look like a freaking dog or something.”

“Grumpy.” 

“Hey. Thin ice .” Armin’s words had no real aggression to them, and when Erwin gingerly offered him the crook of his arm, he took it, his fingers coming to rest gently on Erwin’s bicep. 

The parking lot smelled of gasoline and cigarette smoke, and looked utterly unappealing in the cold, gray light of the cloudy January afternoon; the students at the nearby university had returned for the spring semester, and the sidewalk leading to Erwin’s car was littered with condom wrappers and discarded vape carts. Erwin couldn’t have cared less, his spirit lifting with every step he took that Armin stayed on his arm. Somewhere along the way, Erwin couldn’t say when, Armin had begun to relax fully into the touch, allowing himself to be pulled in a little bit closer. 

“Thank you again, Armin.”

“Whatever.” Armin said, looking away. Erwin couldn’t tell if his cheeks were red from the cold, or perhaps something else. “Buy me some lunch and beg my forgiveness.”

“I’m certainly endeavoring to, Armin. I’m certainly endeavoring to.”