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The first kiss was clumsy and awkward and everything you’d expect a first kiss to be. It was amazing though, of course it was. Seungcheol had had feelings for Jeonghan for a long time. He’d always sneaked glances at hime whenever the opportunity arose. He used to love staring at Jeonghan, he was so beautiful, almost ethereal. Unreal.
Not anymore though, now that he was broken; now that they both were. Seungcheol couldn’t bear looking at him anymore. His eyes red from tears and sleepless nights. His hair cut short as he simply didn’t have the energy to look after it anymore. Every time he saw the broken Jeonghan, Seungcheol felt himself break a little more inside.
They say if you look at your reflection in a broken mirror you will have 7 years of bad luck. Seungcheol couldn’t help but wonder how many years he would be suffer. Because every time he looked Jeonghan in the eyes he saw his own broken image reflected inside his lover.
The last kiss was rough, passionate and painful. There were tears, of course. But there was also an overwhelming sense of relief. On both sides.
Jeonghan knew he was a burden to the elder. He knew how much Seungcheol struggled to look after him, to make sure he was eating and sleeping and taking his meds. He felt relieved that Seungcheol wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. He still loved him, how could he not? But he knew it was best for both of them.
Seungcheol knew he wasn’t helping. He was useless at making sure Jeonghan took his medication on time and making sure that he ate. He was definitely no help at making sure the younger slept. He didn’t remember the last time the pair shared a bed so he had no way of making sure but judging by his appearance it had been a while since he’d had a good nights sleep.
That night had started off like any other night but had ended in a mess of tears, yelling and a broken window. And Seungcheol driving himself to hospital in need of stitches for being the cause of said broken window.
The first kiss was urgent and needy. They had both waited too long and neither of them wanted to waste any more time.
The last kiss was slow, sad and lingering. They didn’t want to let go.
The night it happened had followed bad day. There had been a thunder storm going on all day and Seungcheol had come home late again. The scent of whisky strong on his lips. The taste even stronger. The lipstick marks on his neck didn’t even need a second glance.
Jeonghan knew he couldn’t satisfy Seungcheol anymore, he couldn’t even dress himself without crying let alone be naked in front of anybody else. Not even his best friend, his love. He didn’t mind when Seungcheol came home at 3am, stinking of alcohol and covered in tell tale sings that he had been with another. Sometimes there was marks, bruises and hickeys and the like. Other times he reeked of female perfume and was left picking glitter from his clothes a week later.
Seungcheol hated himself for it. He hated putting Jeonghan through the same pain night after night. He wished he could just kick the habit. He wished he could go home straight after work without needing to first down a bottle and fuck a stranger. He wished Jeonghan would let him hold him again, like they used to. He didn’t want sex, he just needed some type of physical comfort.
Of course he understood why Jeonghan couldn’t give him that, after what he had been through. But his understanding didn’t make the pain go away.
The night it happened Jeonghan had found an unopened bottle of gin hidden in the bathroom cupboard. He’d opened it and drank the lot. Not all at once, but quickly nonetheless.
By the time Seungcheol finally walked through the door, the bottle was empty and Jeonghan had been sick 3 times. He wasn’t supposed to drink with his meds. Seungcheol scolded him, he shouted about how irresponsible he had been to drink.
This, of course, had made Jeonghan laugh. He laughed at how hypocritical it was of Seungcheol to say those things. He laughed at how much of a mess they both were in, and how neither of them were anywhere close to seeking help. But most of all, Jeonghan laughed because it was either that, or cry.
Seungcheol on the other hand, opted for latter. Crying hysterically for almost an hour. Jeonghan just watched. He watched and he laughed. Of course Seungcheol knew he wasn’t laughing at him, and if he had had it inside of him to laugh, he would have been laughing too.
He would have laughed at the ridiculousness of their whole situation. High school sweethearts. They had been through it all together. For 14 years they had been there for each other. Although he wasn’t entirely sure the last 2 years counted. They had been through thick and thin and they thought they would make it through anything together. They were wrong of course.
The first kiss was unexpected and left them feeling ecstatic.
The last was meticulously planned out, every touch strategically thought through. Not wanting to make a single mistake.
The first kiss brought them together. The last kiss tore them apart.
They say time heals all wounds. They’re wrong, some wounds just aren’t meant to be healed. Their pain is what drives us. It fuels us, always there, reminding us never to make the same mistakes.
Seungcheol loved Jeonghan with every inch of his being and Jeonghan felt the exact same. Their love started off magical, like something from a fairytale. Just because it ended with them as two broken shells of what they once were, doesn’t take away from the fact that it was amazing while it lasted. And while yes, they should have ended it long before they did. They were still in love. Chances are they would always be in love. But one day, they will be more in love with the memory of what they once were than they ever were with each other.