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Justin knew Kellin wasn't weak. It took a lot to make him cry nowadays. So maybe it was the setting, maybe it was because they'd been separated, maybe it was because Justin couldn't help Kellin in the ways he was used to, but tears were streaming down Kellin's face as he murmured about bugs.
"Kellin, listen to me," said Justin as he tried to think of a plan.
"No, you don't understand," sobbed Kellin. "They're there. They're everywhere. They're all over me. You can't see them, but I can feel them."
This was a recurring hallucination of Kellin's, and Justin knew exactly how to deal with it at home. He'd lead Kellin upstairs and help him shower, or get him to listen to music, or go to the kitchen and make him a snack. But here, in a hospital? Justin had no clue how to help his boyfriend.
"Make them stop," said Kellin, running his fingernails up and down his arms. "Make them go away."
"Kellin-"
"Why am I even here, anyway?" asked Kellin.
"Because your therapist thought it'd be a good idea-no, don't pull that out-" Justin took Kellin's wrist and moved his hand away from his IV tube, "-and she wanted someone to be able to keep an eye on you."
"Well, she made the bugs worse," muttered Kellin.
"I'm going to get a nurse in here," said Justin, and he made to press the call button, but Kellin stopped him.
"What are you doing?" he hissed. "They'll find us."
Over the course of their relationship, Justin had learned arguing with Kellin when he said things like this didn't accomplish any goals, and besides, how could he argue with adorable Kellin, especially when he was crying? He drew his hand away from the button and instead wrapped it around Kellin's shoulders. "I just don't know how to make the bugs go away," he said. "What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know," said Kellin. "Pet me."
Justin took his arm off Kellin's shoulders and began to stroke his hair rhythmically. "Is that helping?"
"No," said Kellin. "But keep doing it. I like it."
Justin continued to stroke Kellin, while at the same time trying to find the call button with his other hand. He felt like a terrible person, but he didn't know what else to do at that point.
Finally, his fingers found the button, and he pressed it. Kellin suddenly stiffened. "No. Why would you do that? They're going to get me now."
"Who?" asked Justin.
"They are."
Justin patted Kellin's back. "Whoever it is, you'll be fine."
"No, I won't," insisted Kellin. "You don't know what happens, you don't know what they do to me-"
The door opened, and in walked a nurse. She was tall and had red hair. Justin instantly disliked her. "What seems to be the problem?" she asked.
Justin looked toward Kellin, who buried his face in his hands. "He's freaking out," said Justin. "He says there are bugs."
"That's because there are!" said Kellin, the sound slightly muffled.
"There are no bugs," snapped the nurse. "Everything you see is a lie."
Kellin brought his head up.
"You're not real," said the nurse. "Nothing around you is real."
Kellin whimpered softly. "No. That's not true."
"Yes, it is," said the nurse. "Nothing is real."
Justin saw Kellin's eyes go from shock to anger to fear to anger again, then blank. Kellin slowly leaned back in bed and stared vacantly up at the ceiling. "You didn't-you just-you just triggered a dissociation," stammered Justin.
"I know," said the nurse.
"He's not going to come out of that for another four hours or so," said Justin. He had ways of bringing Kellin back to reality when that happened at home, but he couldn't do any of them in a hospital.
"But he won't be bothering anyone, will he?" said the nurse.
"But-"
"His type are so easy to do that to," she said. "Just say a few words, and they'll shut up." With that, the nurse walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her, leaving Justin to deal with the aftermath.
Kellin seemed complacent, but Justin could only guess what was going on in his mind. Sighing, he repositioned Kellin's legs into what he hoped was more comfortable, pulled the cover over him, and smoothed out Kellin's hospital gown. He should have known better. Kellin was right for once.
He bent over and placed a kiss on Kellin's forehead. "I love you, man," he whispered, hoping the other could hear. "I'm so fucking sorry. I should've listened to you. This is all my fault." He straightened up and added, "I probably should get going now, and I'm sorry for that too, but I'll come back. Remember: you're real, and so am I."
Without another word, Justin turned and headed out the door, stealing one last look at Kellin as he left.
It wasn't fair.