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getting high wasn’t something the boys did frequently, but when they did it was always a night to remember.
the first time they smoked together was back in their high school in sydney, when the boys were young and dumb and wanted to try it only because “everyone else was” and they wanted to have something in common with the popular crowd for once. so when they were invited to a house party a few days later, they decided to try it there. once the party idea was brought to the boys, there were different responses to the plan; luke was nervous but excited, calum was happy that’d he’d finally get to try it after wanting to for a while, michael was always down for a party, and being the only one who tried smoking before (because all punk kids were rebellious and tried stuff like this, right?) was totally cool with everything. ashton on the other hand…
“there’s no fucking way i’m doing this! that stuff is illegal, why am i the only one who understands that?” ashton exclaims. michael rolls his eyes and says, “christ ash, calm down! you’re acting like we’re plotting a murder or something. it’s just a little bit of weed. literally everyone at school does it, it’s practically a hobby there!”
cal nods and says, “exactly ash, you’re overacting dude. it’s one night, one party, one time we’re all doing this. if you don’t like it or you’re too scared to do it again, you don’t have to. just live a little.” ash crosses his arms in protest and says firmly, “no.”
michael argues, “ don’t be such a pussy, you’re making it a bigger deal than it actually is. c’mon even luke is doing it, you really gonna let the baby upstage you here?” ignoring luke’s protest of “shut up!” in the background and cal immediately coming to luke’s defense, ash says sheepishly, “i don’t know guys…”michael asks, “do it for me?” and he does a cute little pout that for some reason ash has never been able to resist, and the older boy sighs. “…you promise we won’t get caught? and it’ll be the first and last time?”
michael nods enthusiastically in response, “if you don’t like it, we’ll never do it again. i promise.”
and that’s how they ended up in some random mansion owned by some rich kid they didn’t even know, surrounded by a huge crowd of people. nobody there besides piss-drunk teenagers grinding on the dance floor and lonely stoners who only show up to these events to either stock up on their stash or sell some of their bud to the other desperate kids there.
and that’s exactly how they got their hands on the stuff. after a few coughing fits and nervous first time jitters, the joints became easier to smoke and their minds became hazy and soon they’re giggling at nothing and talking in slurred voices and scrounging for food because why the fuck are we so hungry right now what the hell is happening?
the night ended with the four boys cuddling in a pile in a random bedroom, still giggling and laughing as they slowly began to come down from their high. and in the back of ash’s mind that night, he knew that as fun as this was, there’s no way he could do it again.
but when michael curled up in his lap and pressed sloppy kisses to his neck in his drugged stupor, ash smiled and let those thoughts fade away.
------
ashton doesn’t mean for it to, but it starts to become a thing – all the boys getting together and smoking weed when they’re partying.
it only happens once more when they’re still in school, but once they’re on tour with 1D, it gets worse.
one of the many perks of being the opening-act-turned-best-friends of a multi-millionaire music group, is the people you get to meet. besides the countless celebrities they’ve gotten to meet because of them being at their shows, they get to be in the inner circle with the boys and meet a lot of their connects; one of them being their dealer.
or ‘associate’, as harry calls him. the boys hate using the word ‘dealer’ because “it makes us sound like hardcore addicts or something!” and it was only something they did when they wanted to relax while touring began to get rough. but their ‘associate’ was the real deal, giving the boys their selection of prime bud whenever they wanted, and that invitation was extended to the boys of 5sos, so on the occasion that they just want to smoke in their hotel room with just the four of them, they always had a small stash hidden somewhere with them that was more than effective.
as much as ash would like to deny it, he looked forward to the times when he and the boys could smoke together, because it always ended up being fun. if they weren’t laughing at something stupid or gorging on all the food in the house when they had the munchies, or even attempting to coherently watch movies and play video games while their minds were still cloudy, all of it was a good fucking time.
but the thing that always stuck with ash was how michael would act around him when he was high. he was cuddlier than he was usually and definitely more touchy-feely than usual. no matter what the case was, ash always found himself with a lapful of cuddly and giggly michael, snuggling into the crook of ash’s neck and clinging to his waist tightly. and it’s not even as if ashton could deny michael’s cuddles even if he wanted to, because michael would poke his bottom lip out in a pout and make his green eyes shine and ash would turn to mush and do whatever michael wanted.
he has no idea when his worries about this situation went from “i hope we don’t get caught and go to jail” to “i hope i get to smoke and cuddle with mikey again”, but what he does know is that he’s completely gone for michael clifford, and no amount of bong hits could make him forget that.
------
it’s their last night in america before they have to leave for the australian leg of the tour, and as disappointed as they are to leave, they’re glad to be going back home with their family and friends. but before they leave, they decide to go out with a bang.
until that bang turns into a fizzle when calum and luke decide to skip the festivities to sleep (or so they told the boys, because ash did notice their longing looks being passed at each other all day and he didn’t miss how as they walked to their shared room inside their hotel suite with their hands linked, and nobody was surprised by the recent development because the two of them had been dancing around each other for years now. honestly, ash wanted to scream from the rooftops “finally!” because he can’t believe it took them this long to figure out how they both feel about each other. and hey, if ash happened to look at michael out of the corner of his eye, wishing he could have that same thing with him, that’s nobody’s business but his own.)
once they’ve left their hotel room, it takes michael all of two minutes to jump off the bed and say, “fuck them, they’re party poopers! we can still have fun tonight without them, right?”
ash grins and nods, “yeah, we’re good by ourselves. you still have the stuff with you?” and that’s when michael pulls a plastic baggie of weed and pulls out his lighter, tossing both over to ashton who’s currently sprawled out on the hotel couch. ash immediately gets some of the rolling papers and rolls two small joints, which is usually all two of them can get through in one night with how strong the bud is.
when ash hands one of them to michael for him to light it, he looks over at ash and smirks, “just think, when we first did this you were terrified you were gonna get caught and you had no idea how to even hold the joint, now you roll them like a complete pro.” ashton chuckles and says, “i learned all of this from you. you completely corrupted me, clifford. i used to be good before i started listening to you.”
“yeah right, irwin. whatever you say.” michael says, rolling his eyes and lighting the first joint, bringing it to his lips and blowing out smoke rings soon after.
------
by the time boys are on the second joint, they’re pretty fucking gone.
they’ve eaten through almost half of the hotel mini-bar and spent most of the time laughing hysterically at late-night cartoons and so far, it’s been a really good last night in the states. the only thing ash can complain about is that this is the first time while smoking that he hasn’t seen cuddly and snuggly michael, and honestly that’s the only reason he was excited to smoke tonight. the closest he’s gotten is how they are right now, sitting right beside each other on the couch with their arms and leg touching. ash starts to think ‘alright, it’s fine, s’just not gonna happen tonight. it’ll happen next time or something. no big deal’, and he starts to believe that he’ll get over it until michael speaks up from beside him.
“hey ash, y’know what shotgunning is?”
ash raises an eyebrow and shakes his head, “no, what’s shotgunning?” michael turns to ashton and asks softly, “…d’you trust me?” and he replies instantly, “with my life, you know that.”
“then i’m gonna teach you,” michael says, grinning widely. michael then leans in and cups ash’s face in one of his hands, pulling ash’s face towards his.
michael whispers, “you still trust me?” and ashton is too busy focusing on michael’s close contact to speak, so he just nods. michael says, “then close your eyes and open your mouth.” ash willingly complies, eyes shutting and mouth opening. for a while nothing happens, but he can hear michael shuffling around beside him and feel his thumb rubbing small circles into his cheek. then michael deeply inhales, and when he breathes out, smoke is pouring past ashton’s lips into his mouth. he splutters at first, but soon breathes in all the smoke that michael gives him. when he feels michael’s hand leave his face, he opens his eyes and breathes out the last of the smoke and smiles lazily at the boy in front of him.
“good, right?” michael asks, smiling back at ash, who nods, “yeah, ‘wanna try it this time.” and ash lights the joint again, and breathes in the smoke, then pulls michael closer so he can blow the smoke into his mouth. as michael begins to blow out the smoke his lips graze ashton’s, and michael can’t help but giggle at the sharp intake of breath ash lets out.
michael smirks and says softly, “i wanna try something else with you…” and ash croaks out, “go ‘head, mike.” before ash can even respond, michael lifts a leg and brackets ashton’s lap, sitting on his hips and effectively straddling him.
ash stutters, “m-mike, what are you doing…?” michael cuts him off and says, “shh, just let me do this. you said you trusted me, so trust me.” ashton gulps audibly and then nods, staring up at the boy on top of him. michael takes the last puff from the joint and stubs it out in the ashtray, then leans down to press his lips directly against ash’s in a kiss, then blows the smoke into his mouth.
ash tenses up under michael’s hold, half because he’s trying to breathe and catch all the smoke at the same time, and half because michael is kissing me oh my god.
when michael pulls away from the kiss, he smiles and whispers, “that’s really what shotgunning is.” ashton blows the smoke out and lazily smiles at michael and says, “’s fucking awesome. gotta try that again sometime.” michael smirks and says jokingly, “something tells me the weed wasn’t the only reason why you liked that so much, ashy. you seemed to really like that kiss…” and he trails off his sentence to glance down at the other boy’s skinny jeans, which clearly show the bulge that’s pressing up against the denim and on michael’s thighs.
“seems like you liked it a lot more than i thought…” and ash’s eyes widen in shock and he tries to not freak out as much but the smoking isn’t helping that at all, “shit. mike, i’m sorry this wasn’t supposed to happen at all oh my god shit. it was an accident i totally didn’t mean for this to—” and ashton’s panicking is immediately cut off by michael who chuckles and says, “ash, calm down. it’s just a boner. it’s not a big deal.”
ashton asks, “a-are you sure it’s okay?” and michael just nods in response. ash lets out a sigh of relief and says, “good, i thought this would be super awkward or something”, then he says, “you mind getting off of me so i can go to the bathroom and take care of this?” michael says, “yeah, i could do that…” then he moves closer to ash and grinds down into ash’s bulge slowly, which elicits a groan from the boy under him and whispers, “or you could stay here and let me take care of you.”
michael begins steadily grind down on him and ash can’t even process what’s happening right now because all he can do isfeel; he can feel the drugs still in his system, he can feel how clouded his mind is from the weed, and he can definitely feel the friction of michael (hot, sexy, gorgeous, object of his affections for the past two years michael) rubbing against him, and he feels like he’s losing his fucking mind. it’s only when michael says in a hushed voice, “c’mon ash, don’t just leave me hanging here” and grinds down particularly hard before ash does anything at all. he grabs michael’s hips and pulls him even closer, thrusting his hips sharply up into michael’s which makes the other boy grin and moan softly.
“there you go, you’re getting it now”, michael sighs out, breath hitching a bit when ash starts to pull him down on to him, still keeping the same slow torturous pace. ash looks at michael and whispers, “i wanna kiss you”, and without delay michael says, “then do it”. and ash pulls michael’s face down towards his and smashes their lips together, this kiss more passionate than the first.
michael continues grinding down on ash slowly and licks his way past ash’s lips, smirking into the kiss when he can hear him moan. by now all of ashton’s hesitations are long gone, but he still manages to take michael by surprise when he breaks the kiss to start pressing kisses against michael’s jawline and neck, sucking into the skin and leaving marks.
“shit ash”, michael moans out, grabbing ashton’s shoulders and grinding down fast. ash detaches his lips from michael’s neck and smirks, then says, “you look good like this; sweaty and moaning on top of me. never gonna forget this.” and michael smirks in response and whispers in ash’s ear, “i think i’d look a lot better if i was riding you…”
ash’s head lolls back against the couch and he lets out a broken groan, “mike, fuck. you can’t just say that, not – ah shit – right now.” michael grins and asks, “aw, why not?”
“because ’m close, and this is gonna end a lot sooner if you keep that up.” and when ash says that michael ceases his movements. ash tries to rub against him to get more friction and he growls when he can’t feel the relief he wants. “why the fuck did you stop?” and michael says, “patience ash, just hold on.” and he cuts off ash’s response when he reaches down to unbuckle ash’s jeans, telling ash to lift his hips so he can pull them down a bit so he can pull them down. he then reaches into ashton’s boxer-briefs and takes him into his hand, starting to pump him at a fast pace. michael relishes in the moans and the little ah ah ah sounds ash let’s leave his lips, showing just how close he is.
michael presses their lips together in a chaste kiss before he’s whispering against his lips, “c’mon ash, you’re so close. just come, let me see you come,” and it only takes a few more flicks of his wrist before ash is coming hard, fucking michael’s fist through his orgasm until he’s spent, falling back against the couch and breathing deeply.
michael grins at the state ash is in and says, “much better than taking care of it yourself in the bathroom, right?” and when michael knows that ash is looking at him, he brings his hand up to his mouth and licks the come off his fingers slowly, then giggles when ash lets out a whimper at the sight.
“you’re such a fucking tease, you know that clifford?” ash groans. michael smiles and says, “you love it though.” and once michael’s hand is clean of ash’s come, he attempts to get off of ashton’s lap, but the other boy pulls him in by his waist and stops him. “where do you think you’re going?” michael says, “to bed…” and ash says, “ not while you’re still hard. you didn’t even come yet, you really think i’m gonna let you leave without returning the favor?” and ashton unzips michael’s jeans and does the same thing, pulling out his still-hard cock and jerking him off slowly.
michael whimpers and bites his lip, immediately thrusting into ashton’s hand. ash begins to move faster, drawing more whimpers out of him. ash smirks and says softly, “stop that, wanna hear you moan for me,” and michael releases his bottom lip and soon he’s moaning and groaning out curses into ash’s neck.
it doesn’t take long for michael to say, “ash please, ‘m close. i need more.” ash pumps him faster and sucks marks into his collarbone and he’s slowly coming undone under ash’s touch. when he starts breathing heavily and his moaning gets louder, ash tries to bring him closer to the edge.
“that’s it, mikey. come for me baby, let it go, i’ve got you.” and michael is tumbling over the edge with a gasp of ashton’s name and coming all over ash’s hand. michael leans against ash’s chest to catch his breath and smiles, “that was good. fuck.” ash says, “that was so fucking hot, mike. ‘have no idea where that came from but don’t ever hesitate to do that again.” michael smirks and says, “trust me, i won’t.”
ash moves michael off of his lap and goes to the bathroom to clean up, then comes back into the room with a wet washcloth and cleans up michael as best he can. when he’s done, michael lays out on the couch and cuddles into the cushions and ash can’t help but coo at how cute he is. he can’t believe how different michael is compared to how he was a few minutes ago, how he went from hot and sexy and gorgeous, to this adorable snugly boy he is right now.
“mikey, get off the couch, let’s go to bed,” ash says, and he pulls michael up until they’re both falling into ash’s bed, tired but sated. michael tows ash into his arms and holds him, and there’s the cuddly michael that he loves to see (the michael that he loves, but he pushes that thought to the side). but as michael runs his hands along ashton’s spine and presses soft kisses to his neck and chest, he can’t help but realize that this feels different than anything else he’s felt with michael and it makes him wonder where they stand with each other now. he attempts to ask michael but the younger boy just says through a yawn, “stop thinking so hard, you’re keeping me awake. we’ll talk in the morning, alright?” ash sighs and nods, “fine…we’ll talk in the morning.”
------
the first thing ashton notices when he wakes up is that it’s dark and cold.
he can faintly hear the air conditioner pumping out a breeze from across the room, and when he glances over at the digital clock on the bedside table it reads “4:07 AM” which explains why there’s no light outside.
he’s tired even though he’s slept for a while and his mind is still reeling from the effects of the weed, and before he can attempt to focus on anything else, he immediately flashes back to the night before and he can’t help but smile, thinking of what him and michael did and just how good it felt and how he wants to do it again, but more of how he wants to do more than just fool around, he wants the hugs and the kissing and the cuddling and ‘babe’ ‘baby’ ‘love’ pet names and getting to do little couple-y things to annoy calum and luke and –
he’s getting ahead of himself.
ashton made a promise to himself a long time ago that he wouldn’t let himself feel these things about michael because of where that could lead him. he thought that michael liking guys would be a stretch, but he can assume that after last night that theory was proven to be true, but it doesn’t mean that michael actually likes him. he knows that fooling around and hooking up with people - even your friends - doesn’t have to mean that anything is serious, so there’s a huge chance that michael’s going to want to forget about everything he and ashton did. he would be the luckiest guy in the world if michael felt the same, but ashton has never been one for luck.
he looks down at boy sleeping peacefully on his chest; and suddenly all of these different emotions hit him at once. ash knows that there’s a big possibility that the best friend he’s fallen in love with might not love him back, and that thought has tears pricking behind his eyes and he’s stuck being more confused than ever before.
------
ashton can’t get his brain to turn off or his thoughts to stop racing, so there’s no chance of him going back to bed. he knows that he moves around too much and he’ll end up waking michael, and he does not want to deal with a tired michael only having four hours of sleep, so he slowly gets up from bed; leaving an extra pillow in his place for michael to cuddle while ash is gone (and he totally doesn’t glance back at michael sleeping peacefully in bed. he doesn’t. not at all.)
he pads out into the rest of the suite into the kitchen and living room, just trying to find something to tire himself out so he can sleep for a while, because having to board a flight for 14 hours on barely four hours of sleep is not the most ideal thing to do. so two cups of tea later and halfway through watching “hercules”, ashton’s nodding off on the couch, and it doesn’t take long for him to leave the living room and walk back to bed. he just wants to get back in bed and sleep for a few hours, but when he walks into the room and sees michael; awake and sitting up in bed, head resting on his drawn-up knees, he knows that’s not what he’s going to do.
“hey, what are you doing awake? you were completely out of it when i left.” ash asks, walking back around to his side of the bed.
michael says softly, “i couldn’t sleep, i-i woke up and you were gone and i couldn’t go back to bed after that.” ash replies, “’m sorry, i just didn’t want to wake you up. didn’t think you’d notice if i left.” and michael says, “you’re like a human heater, of course i’d notice if you left. now c’mere and cuddle me, it’s cold.”
ashton moves closer to michael and pulls him into his arms; michael nuzzling into ash’s neck, sighing softly. the older boy holds him tight to his chest and rubs a hand softly up and down the planes of his spine, and he can almost feel all the questions he has about the night before bubbling up in his throat, and before he knows it he’s saying, “mikey? can we talk?” and he starts dreading what’s about to happen, because he’s not ready for the impending rejection this conversation will bring.
“yeah, ‘bout what?” michael says softly, fighting to keep himself awake.
ashton says, “l-last night. and what we did.”
and as if ashton’s heart wasn’t already pounding in his chest, when michael tenses up and moves out of ash’s arms, his heart drops to his stomach.
“w-what about it?” michael asks.
ash says, “you told me last night that we could talk about it, and i think we should. just get rid of all the tension.”
michael says, “what is there to talk about, really? i mean, wasn’t it just us fooling around? we were high and it was fun and it felt good, doesn’t have to mean anything, right?” and michael’s face is completely stoic, and ash can’t read him at all to figure out his emotions, and now he knows that he was right all along and last night really didn’t mean anything, and that almost breaks him.
so ashton bites back his tears and simply nods, “y-yeah, was just fooling around. i-it didn’t mean anything. it was just two mates getting off. no big deal, you can go back to sleep now.” and ash gives him a forced smile before turning around in bed and facing the wall, trying to will his feelings away so he can sleep and forget this ever happened.
but of course, it doesn’t work out that way, because ash forgets that despite his feelings, michael is still ash’s best friend and knows him better than anyone else, and he knows that something isn’t right with him.
he sidles up to ashton and wraps his arms around his waist and asks, “ash, hey. what’s wrong?”
and ash almost breaks because of how michael is handling him. his voice is soft and tender and caring and so unlike how michael usually is, and ash can’t handle the love that’s in michael’s tone – the love that’s completely different than the love ash has stored up for him, and it makes him physically flinch away from michael’s touch. michael pulls back a bit, not knowing how to react to ashton’s coldness, but continues anyways.
“what’s wrong? what happened? was it something i said?” and ash doesn’t know how to properly respond to that, but he turns around to face michael and he knows now that he has to finally let everything out, and possibly lose his best friend in the process.
ashton sighs and wipes his eyes, tears still shining in them, and he says, “i-i honestly didn’t think this would be this hard to tell you.”
michael says, “just tell me. it doesn’t have to be hard, just talk to me ashton.”
ash then sits up in bed and asks, “how bad would it be if i didn’t feel the same way about last night? w-what if i wanted it to be different?” and michael immediately freezes, and in that moment ashton realizes just how altered their friendship is going to be after he confesses his feelings, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready for that.
michael asks, “what do you mean you want it to be different? like what?”
ash says quietly, “l-like us. i want us to be different, mike. it already is after what happened- ” but before ash can say anything more, michael cuts him off.
“ash, no. don’t- don’t say that. nothing’s different, it’s not. it’s still the same us.” and there’s an upset, almost frantic tone to michael’s voice that ashton doesn’t think he’s ever heard before and it both confuses and rattles him.
he says, “you can’t deny that it’s weird between us now. what happened last night…it changed us.”
“it didn’t change us! it was just supposed to be fun, not make things different. ash please, can we just forget about this?"
ash shakes his head and says, "i-i'm sorry, i can't forget about this. i just can't."
and michael sighs shakily and croaks out, "s-so what happens now? if you can't forget about it and it changed things between us, what do we do? we just can't be friends anymore? you'd really give up our entire friendship just because we fooled around once? really, ashton?"
and that stops ash dead in his tracks, because he didn't even realize how he sounded right now. letting a hook up tear apart their friendship and ruin everything between them; that’s what he thought michael was going to do, and michael thought the same about him, and seeing how upset michael is over the misunderstanding makes him feel even worse.
"what? mike no, that's not what i'm saying at all! just let me explain-"
michael rasps out, "just please, ash. i know i messed up, i know we shouldn't have done what we did but i couldn't help it and i don't want it to change us. i-i thought if we were high it wouldn't be a big deal, and i knew there was no there way i'd be able to be with you how i really want, so i just settled for last night. i thought that if i got to be with you just once that it’d be enough, and i could just forget about how i feel about you and be fine with us being just friends. this wasn’t supposed to happen at all and i’m sorry, just please don’t leave me. i don’t want to lose you.”
and ash’s breath is caught in his throat.
because michael likes him.
his best friend, the guitarist in his band, the boy with the crazy hair and beautiful green eyes and that adorable pout he’s never been able to resist actually has feelings for him. his tongue has dried up and his heart is about to burst in his chest and he can’t explain how happy he feels right now.
ashton says, “m-michael, i-are you serious? this isn’t a sick joke or a dumb prank, cal and luke didn’t put you up to this, you’re being serious? you really like me?” and ash is pretty sure that he could pass out when michael says, “it’s more than that. i’m…i’m in love with you.”
and okay, now he’s sure his heart actually has burst.
ash smiles in response and says softly, “i love you, too.”
michael eyes widen slightly and asks, “w-what?”
and ashton boldly moves closer to michael, grabbing the boy’s hands in his and saying, “i love you too. i love you so much.”
michael smiles and laughs incredulously, then says, “you’re not playing a joke on me now, are you? this is real?”
and ash shakes his head, “this is real. you have no idea how long i’ve been waiting for you to say that to me?”
michael asks, “h-how long?” and ash replies, “a few months, almost an entire year. that’s how long i’ve wanted you. i-i could’ve sworn you knew, i thought i was so obvious about how i felt, i didn’t feel like i hid it well at all.”
“trust me, if i had any idea we would’ve been together ages ago. i always hoped you liked me too, even just a little. and honestly, i was too worried about luke or cal telling you how i felt once they figured it out.”
ash laughs, “they did the same to me, made them promise not to tell you. how’d they find out anyways?” and michael says, “they figured it out after we were smoking one day, they noticed how i always cuddled with you and was touchy with you only when i was high…wasn’t too hard for them to put two and two together.”
ash sighs, “that used to kill me. you being that close and not being able to be with you how i want was the worst. it took everything out of me to not kiss you or confess everything. and after last night i knew that i couldn’t go back to just being friends, not after that and how amazing it was. like forget about how good it felt and how hot it was, just getting to kiss you was the best part. i didn’t want to stop.”
michael smirks and says, “well, there’s nothing that could stop you from kissing me now.”
ash smiles, “there isn’t”, then he wraps his arms around michael’s waist and pulls him to his chest, leaning in to press their lips together softly. michael kisses back gently, all the rushed passion from the night before gone and now there’s nothing but sweet kisses being passed back and forth between them.
there was nothing else to be said; kisses were traded until the sun came up that morning, and even when their bandmates barged into their room later on in the day, they never bothered to stop, making up for all the lost time.
and unless they really wanted to, there was no need for the boys to smoke anymore, ashton was too addicted to michael to ever want anything else.