Work Text:
John Laurens was a young secretary in a prestigious law firm. He was supposed to pick up calls, set meetings, make sure everyone, especially his boss – George Washington, were everywhere on time. And most importantly, deal with two five year olds – Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson. If he knew what his job meant, when he got the offer – constant attempts to either keep the two apart or try to end their argument, he would have accepted that assistant position at the embassy – lower salary, but severely less stress. Now though, with a contract for the year, he had to deal with his friend and said friend's arch nemesis. Sometimes it was even funny to listen how they argue which brand of sugar is better for coffee, but things got serious when they discussed laws. Which meant that whenever a new case arisen they would make it a personal battlefield. Financial fraud? Wouldn't be a case if not immigrants! Everyone in this country is an immigrant! Well, my family lived here for over two centuries! And see what good it did? None! Every day the same loud yells. Don't get the wrong impression, they were exceptional employees with less than ten per cent lost cases, when it came to lawyers in New York City, they were the best, were fuelled by their anger, trying to be better than the other.
That's why he was alarmed, when Jefferson entered Alexander's office five minutes ago. Normally the screams would have started after just a few seconds, but it was suspiciously quiet. At first John allowed himself to believe that they reached a compromise and are never going to argue again; but it seemed more likely that one killed the other and was panicking over their dead body. So John, afraid as to what he will see inside, entered the office.
There had to be some sort of a shortcut in his brain, because what he was seeing seemed impossible. Like, roasting-ice-impossible. Jefferson was hugging Hamilton and stroking his hair. Alexander was shaking. John was sure that he was crying.
'Alex?' he asked cautiously. 'Is everything okay?'
'Go away Laurens, and close the door on your way out.' Jefferson replied instead.
John squinted at Thomas.
'I didn't ask you. What are you even doing here?'
Jefferson looked at him like he was stupid.
'He's crying. He's not okay. And I'm making him feel better. Now go. Away.'
John felt like he was suddenly in an alternative reality. Where had all the hatred gone?
'Alex?'
There was a muffled voice coming from Hamilton's squished face on Jefferson's chest.
'S'okay, John. Thomas can stay.'
'Jefferson what did you do to him? He's A)crying and B)calling you by your first name? What the hell?'
Alexander raised his head, revealing puffy red eyes.
'It's really okay, John. Now, please, leave us alone.'
So John left the office. And immediately stuck his ear to the door. He needed to know if this was a prank. He was the only reasonably thinking person in this entire goddamn office, he had to be prepared for any weird situations (he usually failed, but it had to be given to him, he really tried). He didn't hear anything. Soon his neck started hurting and he gave up on eavesdropping. Less than 5 minutes and Jefferson was out of Hamilton's office. As soon as he disappeared behind the corner, John sprinted to Alex's office.
'What was that? Is everything okay?'
Alexander was sitting behind his desk as if nothing ever happened, though his puffy eyes indicated otherwise.
'Everything's fine now. But I'm glad that you're here, cause I have some documents from that case of the killer farmer, that Wash wanted, so I need you to make copies of these' he handed John a thick folder of papers. 'And give it to Washington. Thanks.'
And he paid no more attention to John whatsoever, engulfed in his work.
For the rest of the week, John couldn't shake of that weird feeling, that seeing Hamilton and Jefferson together, gave him.
'Hey, Angie?' Friday night, at the bar, he and most of the people form work sat together to complain about work. AKA Hamilton and Jefferson.
'Yes?' John decided to ask Angelica, because she knew both Jefferson and Hamilton the longest. Well, maybe except for Laf, but he was in delegation now.
'Don't you think Alex and Thomas are not arguing as much as they did?'
The woman eyed him from the fluffy bun on top of his head to the falling apart converse shoes.
'Are you drunk after only one drink Laurens? Did you not hear Alexander yell at Thomas about how Snickers bars are obviously superior to Mars ones? Or Thomas throwing paper planes with insults during blabber mouth's presentation?' John had to give it to her, they still were as annoying as usual. So what was all that hugging about? Or maybe John just hallucinated all that. He wished that he had as much contact with Alex as during college, but the short man was always busy and he rarely hung out with friends.
He was about to join in the talk as usual, when he saw the most bizarre thing ever. Washington entered the club, dragging Hamilton and Jefferson with him. Both looked equally disgusted.
'Mr Washington, sir, I appreciate you trying to make us get along, but...'
'Sit down, son.'
'Sir...'
'Jefferson, sit down.'
They sighed simultaneously, as they were seated among their co-workers.
'Nice work, this week, guys. Round on me.' Washington was elated. They did win a pretty tough case earlier, so there was a reason to celebrate. And Washington had a resolution to make the two buttheads get along more. So he usually forced them to sit together during meetings, or share hotel rooms, when in delegation. It obviously didn't change the noise levels in their office.
Five drinks later, John was feeling a little dizzy, Wash was excusing himself and going to call a cab and Hamilton was making out with Jefferson. WAIT! WHAT? John looked at them incredulously. They were kissing, no kissing was too light of a word to describe that situation, they were exchanging saliva, germs and apparently Jefferson's hand was under Ham's shirt.
John looked around. Nobody else was there to witness that. Most people went home, some were dancing. John spotted Angelica at the bar, flirting with very flustered bartender. He tried waving at her. When she didn't notice, he went to the bar.
'Ange, look...' He realized that he was pointing at empty seats. Hamilton and Jefferson were now gone.
'What?'
'Never mind.'
He ran out of the club to try to catch the men, but they dissolved into thin air.
He tired texting Alexander, but to his question as to why did the man leave so early on Friday night, he answered with incoherent stream of letters.
On Monday John entered the office to the loud screech coming from Hamilton's office. Was it possible that the last week was just a hallucination? John was laughing at himself quietly, he never thought that their quarrels would settle into his vision of reality. He still didn't know what to do with the image of them kissing but he assumed that alcohol made them go nuts. John, metaphorically cut off air supply of that little voice reminding him of the hug. You see, the thing is, John knew Hamilton a little, they were close friends college, he and Alex were roommates, now they weren't exactly extra close, but he still felt like they understood each other. And John just knows that Alexander really hates Jefferson. They argue over everything. And John is just tired from all their squabbling and he's seeing things.
Jefferson emerged from Alexander's office, huge smile on his face.
'Laurens, do me a favour, call a taxi for Hamilton, he's going back home.'
And the supposedly dead voice of 'they are so dating' is yelling and pulsating with a vibrant red colour of an Important Alarm, making him question his life and choice of job and friends.
He went into Alexander's office, where said man was half-lying on his desk.
'Alex? Why did Jefferson tell me to call a cab for you?'
'Did you do it?'
'Not yet, should I?'
'Please.'
Alex's voice was weak and hoarse, he was constantly sniffing. Evident cold. He called the taxi and even helped Hamilton get in. Maybe Jefferson, seeing how bad Hamilton looks, decided that he doesn't want to kick the laying, or that Alex will be working worse than if he weren't ill. But since when does Jefferson care. Maybe it's a bet? Or maybe he has a crush on Alex? But why Hamilton would allow any of that, he was constantly complaining about Virginian. John groaned, he didn't know Jefferson very well and Alex was sometimes irrational. He needs to just man up and ask one of them about the whole situation. And since Alexander was evidently not in the office...
'Jefferson, can I talk to you for a second?' The man looked at John wearily.
'What?'
'What's going on with you and Alexander?'
He immediately had a more serious expression.
'What about me and Alexander?' John didn't fail to notice how Thomas said "Alexander" and not "Hamilton" as per usual.
'Don't play dumb, you're yelling at each other and then you're hugging, you throw insults at each other so fast that Eminem is getting jealous, but I clearly saw you sucking his face last Friday. What's going on?'
'I don't understand what do you have a problem with?' Jefferson was clearly confused, which only further riled up John.
'You hate each other? What's with you kissing and hugging? Is this some kind of a prank? Are you two dating or what?'
Jefferson made big eyes at him. John thought he'd yell at him, but the taller man just started whole heartedly laughing. He was at the stage of hitting his desk and basically crying, when James Madison entered the room. He looked at Thomas and then at John and asked calmly:
'What is he on?'
'Laurens just asked me whether me and Hamilton are dating.' Thomas breathed somehow in between wailing like a siren and screeching like a fork on a plate. James scrunched his face.
'That is a perfectly valid question. You're spending an alarming amount of time in his office.'
Thomas momentarily stopped laughing.
'What?' He looked lost.
''Well, you both almost always are everywhere together and the tension is always there.' Madison shrugged his shoulders.
'No, but guys,' he seemed exasperated. 'You're joking, right? We're literally, married.'
Now it was John and James' turn to laugh. Hamilton and Jefferson married – good joke. John was ready to acknowledge them dating, that was probable and there could even be a reason, like a bet. But marriage? Not only was that improbable, it was also highly ironic, because both on numerous occasions spoke against marriage in general. Come to think of it, John was now convinced that all of that was an elaborate prank on him and James, who seemed to find the situation equally amusing. They both ignored Thomas' and left the room laughing. Why Alex and Thomas would work together on a prank was unclear to John, but they both had a weak spot for elaborate jokes, so that was possible. Well, certainly more than their marriage. John took out his phone and typed congratulatory text on a good joke to Hamilton. He received a series of confused face emojis in response.
turtleface: the marriage prank idk how u got tjeffs to collaborate w/ u but that one was good, jmadzz was laughing so hard he got asthma attack
a.ham: wat?????
turtleface: tjeffs said ur married
a.ham: but thats not a prank???? we ARE married????
turtleface: dont drag the joke it was funny the first time now ur scaring me
John put away his phone. He couldn't focus on his work, instead he was analyzing Hamilton and Jefferson's behaviour lately, sure they hugged and drunkenly made out, and Thomas forced Hamilton to take a day off work, because he was sick, but other than that, they still argued all the time, yelled so loud that probably their voiced could still annoy Lafayette and he was in France. There was no logic to their marriage. It had to be a prank.
Exasperated he went to Madison's cubicle. He looked equally puzzled.
'So I was thinking about what Jefferson said, and I texted Alex.'
'And?' Madison looked at him expectantly.
'He said that they're married too.'
'I call bullshit.'
'Exactly!' John exclaimed.
'What's such a bullshit that you need to yell, Laurens?' Angelica wheeled to them on her swivel chair. They explained to her what happened and John also added his part of a story.
'I've seen them being suspiciously nice to each other too.' Added James. 'Like, not exactly nice, but veiled-by-sarcasm-and-insults-but-in-reality-helpful-and-all nice. Like Thomas sometimes brought Hamilton coffee, because "otherwise you're more of an idiot", or Hamilton always waiting until he signs all the papers "so that you won't screw something up".'
The realization crawled up on them slowly.
'How did we not notice that?'
The next day John came to work especially early, before Alexander even. When said man entered the office, he dragged him to his desk.
'Are you two really married?'
Hamilton looked a bit stunned, but amused.
'Yes, John, me and Thomas are married.'
'How does no one know about it? I'm supposed to be your friend? Why didn't you tell anyone? And since when do you not hate Jefferson? When did you even get married? Why?' This time the word flow in the conversation, probably for the first time in his life, came from someone other than Alexander.
'We kind of forgot that we didn't tell anyone and we just assumed that everybody knew.' Alex shrugged with an apologetic smile. 'And we got married last August, it was only us, both of us hate crowds and big parties, so we just decided to skip that part. And I never really hated him, I do despise some of his political views, but that doesn't mean I hate him.'
John was silently trying to process everything.
'Wait, how did it happen that you forgot to tell everyone but assumed we know?'
'Thomas said that we were pretty obvious that we like each other and that we're dating. I just went with it.'
'I... Why did you even start dating him in the first place'
Alex smiled and John could say just from that expression that he's really fond of Thomas. It was so soft and warm, and John felt his disgust for such a match melt away. He knew for a fact that Alexander deserved happiness and that life wasn't exactly easy on him, so seeing him with such a loving expression made the fact, that it was Jefferson to bring that side of Alexander to daylight, less excruciating.
'We met when we were still interns here, we literally ended up yelling at each other the first day, a few weeks later when we were arguing, he just told me to shut up, so I went with the most cliché phrase I could fathom, "make me". And he kissed me. Then we avoided each other for some time, but we both missed arguing, so I texted him and we met, to just talk. And it just went on from then. When you came to work here we were already engaged.'
Alex's phone buzzed and he excused himself, John was left with many more questions but he somehow accepted the not-really-enemies as a couple. Now what was left, was to inform the rest office. Especially Washington, who was really intent on making them get along. He went to Madison's office to update him on the situation.
They had trouble making up a plan. Especially that Alex and Thomas were still arguing as usual. This time about who was better Rowling or Martin. Insufferable children.
The problem however solved itself, during the noon meeting. The subject of marriage equality was brought up, as there was a case where a woman filed for a divorce and the guy was refusing to share custody over their son, only because she was in a relationship with a woman. Jefferson and Hamilton had the same stance on the situation. Everyone was pretty relieved when they didn't argue over how the line of defence was supposed to be conveyed. Not everyone agreed with them, though. Especially one Charles Lee, who claimed that homosexuality itself was an abomination and as such should not be encouraged, they shouldn't take the case at all. At that both Hamilton and Jefferson stood up and started literally outdoing each other in proving Lee wrong. Nobody aside Lee had any problem with queer community, so they just enjoyed watching Lee being dragged down. Washington tried not to look proud that he managed to choose a case that didn't make Alexander and Thomas tear each other apart. John smiled. If only he knew. Then a lot of things happened very quickly.
'Homosexuality is a sin, those faggots should get a therapy to make them normal, not allowed to get married and pretend that they are good citizens. They will make innocent children as perverted as they are. They are all probably paedophiles anyway.'
Alex smacked Lee with the papers that were in front of him. Half of the people present tried to hide their smiles, the whole office had some beef with Lee; the rest laughed out loud at his outraged expression.
'Mister Washington, I demand that this fag will be removed from the office, he...' Thomas kicked the chair that was standing between him and Lee aside. Suddenly it was very quiet, everybody looked at Lee in disbelief. It was common knowledge that Alex was bi, he was proud of being queer, but no one thought that Lee was stupid enough to make the discussion personal.
'Why the hell are you defending that piece of shit, he's a God's mistake.'
'You dickhead' Alex muttered breathily and stood up. Thomas however was already in front of Lee. He grabbed him by the collar and raised him a bit.
'The only mistake I see here is you, and it is my husband you're talking about, so watch your dirty mouth.' Thomas threw Lee at the chair. There was a collective wave of whispers.
Even Washington looked at them incredulously.
'Mr Washington, I understand that you need well-educated lawyers and that Lee has his degrees, but me and Alex are not setting a foot in this office, unless Charles Lee is fired.'
Then Jefferson took Alex's hand and they both stormed out of the office.
'Did he just say... What... But they fight so much... How?' Washington was having problems with producing a coherent sentence.
'Was he for real?' Eliza, the young spokesman of their company, asked.
John and James both nodded, they and Angelica were the only people who apparently knew that the two were together.
'I'm sorry, sir, I know it must be a shock to realize that the good lawyers are such scumbags.' Lee really didn't know any limits.
'You're fired, Lee. Pack your things, I don't want you anywhere even near my office, you have an hour.'
Homophobe, thought John, he deserved it. All workers looked as Lee stormed out of the conference room.
'Now we just need Hamilton and Jefferson to come back and give us some bloody details.'