Chapter Text
Ryan can't stay afloat anymore. He's drowning, drowning, drowning. He can't do it anymore, he can't. He's so tired of the constant flashbacks, the blinding headaches, and the aching pain. Everywhere he turns he's reminded of the biggest mistake he ever made and it's taunting him. He wants to let himself be dragged under, but his survival instinct won't let him. It's dragging him to the surface and he's gasping for air, but he's barely getting enough and it's still around him. It's filling his lungs, making him choke and call out but no one can help. He made sure a long time ago that no one would be around to help.
The guilt already tore him apart. He's open and bleeding, blood mixing with the salt-water that drips from his eyes. His tears are an ever-changing ocean, growing and shrinking and filling the land with scars when the water dries up. There's no life for miles, and you could see it in his eyes. He never had much life in them to begin with. He should be as dry as the place he grew up in, but the sorrow keeps coming. It doesn't kill him, it keeps him alive. It hurts more that way.
He hasn't eaten in days. He doesn't see the point. Anything to stop the memories. He can't swim anymore, he can't ignore the never ending waves. He wants the birds to pick at his skin, to destroy him and everything he's ever done. He deserves it. He's destroyed his own fair share of people. It's ironic the one person he never wanted to hurt was killing him in the most painful way. But he deserved it. They were there now, listing with tired ears as Ryan sobbed into the phone about how he fucked up and he's sorry. He's knows he's not making any sense but he's drowing. There's not enough oxygen getting to his brain. But he's so, so sorry.
It's impossible to sleep when he's being tossed back and forth and pulled under. He can't remember the last time he'd slept. He can't remember anything other than him.
And it's so real that Ryan calls out his name, choking around the water that has pooled in his lungs. And then Brendon pulls him up out of the water and holds him but he's just so cold. He knows it's too late, the water is in his bones. He can't drown but he can freeze. And the only thing he can hear is his name being called again and again as the water drips out of his wrists and flows away. Theres no more sorrow in him. It's pooled into the broken brown eyes that watch as he gasps his last breath.
He's so, so sorry he couldn't stay afloat anymore.