Chapter Text
They were at it again. He hadn’t even noticed what had started it this time. Not that it mattered, really. Keith and Lance would always find something to fight about, the smallest thing would do. A look, an insult (even an imagined one), even the expression on one of their faces would do to set them off. Shiro sighed and shoveled more of the green goo that passed for food around here into his mouth, doing his best to ignore them. That was the best way to handle undesirable, childish behavior in his opinion. He’d been taught that children misbehaved out of a desire for attention, so if the behavior did not achieve the desired result, the unruly ones would soon tire of the behavior and it would stop. Not that Keith and Lance were children of course. They were both young men, paladins of Voltron and deserving of their titles. Their courage and skill couldn’t be denied. They were both good fighters, with the musculature to prove it. Strong, toned, straight of limb, with taut skin and….
No. He pushed those thoughts away, horribly ashamed of himself for allowing them to sneak in, even for a moment. Even though he was human. Mostly, he thought, glancing bitterly at his Galran prosthetic, then ignoring it resolutely as he always tried to. He was human, and human beings had desires sometimes. It was normal. And that was okay, he could accept it about himself, so long as he didn’t act on it. It didn’t matter that his years as a captive had been so lonely. It didn’t matter that underneath the normal, healthy desires of his 24-year-old body, Shiro strongly suspected that there were also feelings. He was their superior officer as the black lion, the head of Voltron, and he would never take advantage of any man under his command. He sighed and tried to finish eating as quickly as possible.
Coran was trying to reason with the two bickering paladins before they came to blows, but it didn’t seem that he was getting very far. The insults were growing steadily more personal and more infuriated. Finally, in despair, Coran turned to Shiro, his voice cutting through the young man’s resolute inattention.
“Master Shiro,” he cried sharply, “control your men before they ruin everyone’s supper and damage the dining hall. Please!”
Shiro looked up and flushed a little guiltily when he realized that Lance had just snatched up a plateful of goo, holding it in the palm of his hand much like a pie he was about to smash into Keith’s face while the other was reaching for a chair. Whether he planned to use it as a shield or an oversized bludgeoning weapon was anyone’s guess.
“Keith. Lance. Stand down,” barked Shiro. “Now!”
They both flinched at the irritation in his voice and slowly set down the unoffending objects, then slammed back down into their seats with ill grace, though both sets of eyes slid in Shiro’s direction a little guiltily. He sighed again.
“You can both take supper alone in your quarters for the rest of the week since you can’t manage to dine like civilized beings. Hunk, Pidge and I haven’t done anything to deserve to have to have our meals interrupted by your bickering,” he said quietly. Coran let out a huge sigh of relief. Pidge smirked into her plate of food, and Hunk just looked uncomfortable as he always did when his friends argued or fought. Keith stared fixedly at his own plate.
“Sorry Shiro,” he muttered softly. Shiro resolutely did not look in his direction. He was uncomfortably aware of the way Keith looked up to him. Sometimes it felt a little too much like worship, and Shiro was the last person in this galaxy or any other to deserve that. Lance flushed and glared at the table, refusing to look at anybody .
“He started it,” he muttered sullenly. Shiro paid no attention to this, finished his meal, then shoved away from the table and stalked out of the dining hall, relieved to put them behind him.
****
His dreams did nothing to help his determination to ignore either his fellow paladins’ behavior or the stray thoughts that seemed determined to intrude, no matter how hard he tried to school his mind against them. Another came that very night. In the beginning, it seemed his subconscious mind felt some odd need to relive the events at supper. Keith and Lance were bickering again, exchanging insults, with Coran attempting to stop them. It changed quickly though, because Coran didn’t appeal to Shiro for help, and once Lance had his plate in hand, he lunged at Keith and smooshed the mess into Keith’s face. Green, sticky goop stuck in his hair and slid down his face. His dark blue eyes flashed fire and, instead of a chair, he picked up his own plate and flung its contents on Lance, leaving the other boy splattered with vibrant green mess as well. They stood, panting and staring at each other for a few seconds, then lunged. Dream Shiro had had enough. He got up from his chair and snatched the snarling, hollering, grappling young men by the backs of their collars, yanking them apart. They both goggled up at him in surprise. Without a word, he dragged them both from the room. Pidge’s poorly suppressed giggles echoed after them as they exited the room. Lance and Keith both struggled to get away, but Shiro found it easy to drag them down the halls and into the showers. Turning one of them on full blast, he thrust both of his comrades under the icy spray unceremoniously. Their twin screeches of shock and outrage meant nothing to him.
“Strip,” he snarled at them, ignoring their protests. In the dream, they had surprisingly little to say about this, and both began to obey him instantly, peeling themselves out of their soaked uniforms, looking abashed and embarrassed, glancing at him from under their eyelashes. He liked it. As the water warmed, he took the shower head down and hosed the two of them off, ignoring their spluttering and gasping as the mess they’d made of each other sluiced off their faces, hair and skin and down the drain. They stood close together nervously, their bodies tense at being so near to one who each considered a rival, but he could see that there was more to it than that. Could see the conflict in their eyes between feeling like they ought to leap away and snap and snarl, and the hidden yearning to lean in, to seek comfort in the other as Shiro glared sternly down at them. And both of them were hard, painfully erect between their slender, muscular thighs. Oh, their skin was so pretty; Lance all golden caramel and Keith fairer, but sun-kissed from all his time in the desert, his cheeks dusted with pink in embarrassment. Both of them were slim and taut with muscle, their skin shining sleek and wet.
“I’m sick of your bickering,” growled Shiro. “If you can’t learn when to keep your mouths shut and act like grown men instead of bratty little children, I’ll give you something better to do with them.”
He reached over and turned off the water. As it cooled on their naked bodies, their skin pebbled and they shivered a little, eyes wide and pinned to him anxiously, but with a hunger neither was able to hide. Unconsciously, they leaned closer to each other. Shiro smiled at them. Oh, they looked so good like that.
“Get on your knees,: he ordered softly. They glanced at each other, then without a word of protest, they both sank to the floor immediately. Slowly, Shiro’s hands moved to the buckle of his belt, unfastening his pants, reaching inside to draw his cock free from its confines where its hardness strained for release….
His eyes flew open as he gasped, his heart hammering in his chest. His body was drenched with sweat, his cock aching between his thighs. He closed his eyes again, gritting his teeth as he tried to banish the images of the dream. No, this is wrong. He clenched his hands into fists by his sides, trying to resist, but it had been so long since he’d even allowed himself this, something so normal. With guilt surging like acid in his stomach, he reached for himself in the quiet, lonely dark of his bedroom. In penance for his terrible thoughts, he used his metal hand. It chafed against the tender skin of his erection, but only took a few rough strokes before he threw his head back and came all over his own stomach. HIs release brought him no peace, the pleasure fleeting. When he finally fell back asleep, he dreamed of fighting. Fighting and hating every moment, hating himself when he felled one opponent after another. Strong enough to be a killer, but not strong enough to resist his own guilty desires.
****
There were a few days of relative peace after that. Keith and Lance sniped at each other a little, but there were no more actual arguments or fights. They were too busy. The Castle’s sensors discovered a planet under attack by the Galra, and Voltron was called to action to save its peaceful inhabitants. Then there came the meeting of the new race, a short, only vaguely humanoid race of beings covered with fine, soft fur in multiple hues of blue and green and orange who lived in trees and had long tails not unlike Earth primates which helped them leap and swing through the branches. Their Universal translators came in very handy, because their new friends’ vocal cords were not equipped to handle words and they communicated in oddly beautiful chirps and trills that sounded a little like birds and a little like monkeys. Their food wasn’t too weird though, and was a welcome reprieve from the endless sameness of the protein goo they were used to. Negotiations of a peace treaty were going well, and the people, who called themselves Ch’karr or something close to that, hosted a feast for them.
Shiro was sitting between Allura and Hunk, enjoying the fresh fruit, baked roots of some kind that, when mashed tasted a little like potatoes and parsnips mixed together with a subtle, nutty undertone, crunchy indescribable fresh vegetables and a sweet, mildly alcoholic beverage the origin of which he probably didn’t want to know, when Pidge came rushing up to him completely out of breath and red-faced. Abruptly, he realized he hadn’t seen Lance or Keith in over an hour.
“Shiro,” she panted when she’d finally caught her breath a little, “come quick! It’s Keith and Lance! They...they’re really fighting. I’m afraid someone’s going to get hurt!”
Allura’s lovely face blanched, then darkened with anger and frustration.
“Not again,” she groaned. “Things are going so well, too. What are these people going to think? We need this treaty. Our allies are too few. Shiro, you must do something, quickly!”
Shiro was already on his feet, feeling sick with dread, anger roiling in his gut. How could those two be so stupid ? They knew how outnumber all of them were in their tiny alliance of races willing to resist Zarkon and his army, and how ill-equipped most of those races were to offer any real help. How could they be so selfish as to endanger a new alliance? Filled with dread, he jumped up from the table and rushed after Pidge, who turned and fled back in the direction she’d come from, trusting Shiro to be right behind her.
The closer they got to whatever catastrophe was happening, the easier it became for Shiro to make his own way and not have to rely on Pidge to show the way. Whatever was going on, it was making rather a lot of noise. They pounded around a curve in one of the many winding suspended wooden walkways that made up the enormous maze encompassing the Ch’karr treetop village and skidded to a halt.
One of the things that had always made Shiro a good student, then a good officer’s candidate, and finally a good officer (as well as, he supposed, the chosen paladin of the black lion) was his ability to quickly assess almost any given situation. It was immediately apparent to him that a group of the younger members of the village had put together an impromptu party of their own. Likely they’d either invited Lance and Keith to join them, or the two had decided that the dinner party with the elders was too sedate for their taste. As to what ended up setting them off, it could have been anything. Lance bragging about how much better than Keith he is, Keith muttering deliberately audible deprecations, one of them chewing their food wrong. But it didn’t matter. They were rolling around in the center of a group of loudly chittering youngsters, each apparently doing their best to beat the other to a bloody pulp. And, apparently, being cheered on by the offspring of their hosts. Great. From everything Shiro had been able to tell so far, this was a peaceful race and he seriously doubted the elders were going to appreciate the two paladins introducing their younger generation to this kind of violence.
Shiro pushed as carefully as possible through the circle of small being watching the fight, then leaned down and hauled Lance and Keith apart by the backs of their uniforms. The echoes of his dream were not lost on him, but he shoved that down and focused on the now. At first the two young men were too infuriated to even notice who was interfering with their brawl. Lance took a blind swing at him and managed to land a glancing blow off his left cheekbone. Keith, the more peceptive of the two, went abruptly still and stared up at Shiro in horror.
“STAND DOWN,” roared Shiro, and Lance’s flailing arms almost comically slowed to a gradual halt, as if in slow motion. His expression mirrored Keith’s almost exactly, along with an exaggerated cringe when he realized who his last punch had actually connected with. They hung limply in his hands, breathing hard, looking rather the worse for wear. Shiro’s excellent hearing took in the approach of pounding and pattering footfalls rapidly nearing their location. He gave both paladins a rough shake, then leaned close to growl under his breath.
“Back to the Castle. Now. Don’t be seen. Move .”
He turned to stride up the pathway, ignoring them, knowing from the guilty expressions of shame on their faces that he’d be obeyed. Moving quickly, leaving Pidge behind to quiet down the crowd of excited native youngsters, relieved beyond measure that he knew he could count on her to do it, he intercepted the approaching group. It consisted of several of the Ch’karr elders, Allura, and Coran. Allura was doing her very best reassuring expert diplomat voice, to every outward appearance sounding completely assured when she promised the concerned new friends that she was absolutely certain there was nothing to be concerned about while Coran followed two steps behind her right shoulder looking calm and official. You had to know them to notice how worried both of them were. Everyone halted when Shiro reached them, mainly because he intentionally made it impossible to pass without knocking him out of the way. Appearing larger than he was had been a useful skill in the arena.
“Sir Shiro,” said Allura, sounding both concerned and relieved at the same time, “can you assure our new friends that there’s nothing to be worried about?” The princess, an accomplished diplomat, managed to make it sound like a confident command, but Shiro knew her well enough to recognize that it was an actual question.
“Of course, your Highness,: he said as smoothly as possible, erasing the anger and frustration and nerves from his voice. Shiro had learned the hard way not to betray his real emotions, under conditions a lot more life-threatening than this. “An athletic demonstration of the Earth sport known as wrestling, nothing more. Paladins Keith and Lance have retired to the Castle to rest from their exertions. There’s no cause for concern.”
Allura’s shoulders relaxed at his words and she turned to the elders, beaming with smiles, launching into a long-winded and boring explanation of “Earth wrestling” that at least sort of resembled the actual sport since she’d been introduced to it as a form of training her paladins engaged in from time to time. It gave Pidge time to calm the kids down before any of their elders could question them, and within a few minutes Allura’s natural charm and grace had everyone chattering and happy again. They returned to the celebration, but Shiro excused himself, citing tiredness from their battles as an excuse. In reality he was way too tense to feel confident in his ability to keep up the facade of cheerful camaraderie Allura would need from him if she stayed. She gave him an understanding look and dismissed him. He trudged back to the Castle with slumped shoulders. Clearly ignoring Keith and Lance’s behavior wasn’t working at all. The rational discussion he’d tried in the beginning hadn’t worked either. He’d been content to ignore them anyway, for his own sanity, until now. But if their rivalry was going to endanger vital alliances, something was going to have to be done. He just wished he knew what it was.
****
He went to talk to Allura about it the next morning. She’d been trained practically from birth to deal with all manner of situations, and to be a leader. She received him in her private sitting room, a peaceful place filled with plants and artwork from her home planet. He was pretty sure most of them were replications or possibly holograms, but the effect was nice anyway. She was sitting at a pretty white desk beside one of the big windows, typing up what he knew to be a detailed report of their encounter with the Ch’Karr. Allura kept detailed personal records on everything they did, especially everything Voltron did, because she felt very strongly about ensuring that their mission and battles for the freedom of the galaxy wasn’t lost for future generations, no matter what the outcome of their fight ended up being. He waited while she finished the sentence she was tapping out on her console, then executed a small bow when she turned to him and smiled tiredly.
“Shiro,” she said gently, “I wish you’d stop doing that when it’s just us.”
“I know,” he said uncomfortably, “but this is...official business? Kind of, anyway. I could use some advice from someone with training and experience in dealing with...difficult leadership decisions.”
“Lance and Keith,” she sighed. He nodded.
“Well, first let me commend you on the way you handled things last night. You really saved the day, getting to them and shuttling them out of sight before anyone too important saw them. We have a treaty in hand. Though the Ch’Karr don’t have anything to offer us in the way of combat or defensive resources, they’re more than willing to provide food supplies, building materials and even refuge for those who have lost their homes or planets to Zarkon. This planet is very large, and rich in resources that would be lifesaving for people who might find themselves in those straits and yet not the sort of resources that are very useful to the Galra. They don’t have need of trees or fruit, but many of the people displaced by them will need exactly that. The Ch’Karr only inhabit about a fourth of this planet’s surface. There’s potentially room for an entire homeless civilization. It’s very exciting! I couldn’t be more pleased. Keith and Lance’s little….altercation didn’t do any harm after all.”
Shiro sighed heavily and took a seat when she indicated it. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. She smiled sympathetically and handed him a glass of fruit juice they’d acquired from their new friends after pouring it from a tall, fluted pitcher. The fresh food and drink they’d taken on wouldn’t last long, so they’d all might as well enjoy the respite from green protein while it lasted.
“I don’t think that’s the point, Princess,” he said finally, after taking a long drink. “They easily could have caused a major problem for this alliance, and if things keep on the way they are, it’s going to happen one of these days.”
“All right, I do see your point. I hate to admit it, because you’re all working so hard, and they both really do come through when it counts,” she said, sounding a little sad.
“So far that’s true, and I’m not doubting their combat abilities. They’re both good, and they’re getting better all the time. Keith being able to bond with red the way he has….it’s….”
“Nothing short of remarkable,” supplied Allura. “I don’t think any of you realize how remarkable it truly is. I’ve studied all the records, and you must believe that the fact that Red has not just accepted him, but formed such a bond, is almost a miracle.”
“That’s not in question,” Shiro replied. “It’s not their performance as warriors that’s the problem. Well, except when their personal issues crop up in the middle of a fight, which isn’t often, but it has happened. They snap out of it when push comes to shove….or at least, they have so far. But their arguing is putting a strain on the rest of the team, and what happened last night….just because we prevented a major incident doesn’t mean we’ll be able to next time.”
“You’re right.” Allura sighed. “It needs to end. What do you suggest?”
“That’s what I’m here to talk to you about. I’m hoping you have a suggestion. I’m….kind of at a loss myself.”
“How would your Earth military handle the situation?” she asked. Shiro sighed again.
“Several possible ways. Confine them to quarters. Demotion. KP duty or other kinds of extra work. Write them up. Er, that means a note in their personnel files about something like insubordination that’d make it hard for them to get future promotions. Maybe even court martial if none of those other things worked.”
“I see,” said Allura.
“Yeah. We’ve tried the couple of those things we can do, but the other options...well, they just aren’t. There’s not really any sort of promotion a write-up could prevent. I mean, Paladin of Voltron’s pretty much as high as it gets in our little army. And we can’t afford to demote them, there’s no way to form Voltron without them, so the same goes for court martial, because kicking them off the team’s not an option either. Red and Blue are their lions. Unless they decide to reject the guys, we don’t have any say in it. And I don’t see that happening. Hell, I don’t want that to happen. Er, sorry.”
Allura smiled and waved away his minor profanity.
“You’re right, about all of those things. And I’ve noticed that ignoring them doesn’t seem to be doing much good either.”
He buried his face in his cup to hide the slight flush in his cheeks.
“There are a lot of...experts on Earth who’ve said that the best way to discourage childish behavior is to refuse to give the behavior any kind of acknowledgement. So when it doesn’t get the attention the behavior’s designed to get, it’ll stop in time,” he muttered awkwardly.
“Well, they certainly are acting like children,” she agreed with a small smile. “It’s a cry for attention if I ever saw one.”
“I know, but I don’t understand it. And I don’t have a clue what to do about it,” Shiro said in frustration.
“You are aware that they’re doing it for your attention, aren’t you?” she said gently. Shiro’s head shot up and he stared at her in surprise, choking a little on his mouthful of fruit juice.
“I... mine ?”
“Of course , Shiro. You’re their hero. They both look up to you equally. I’m not certain, but I believe it may even be more than that.”
“I’m not anybody’s hero,” muttered Shiro bitterly, then started when he registered the rest of her words. “What….ah….what do you mean by ‘more than that?’”
“Oh,” said Allura, blushing suddenly and seeming vastly discomfited. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Are...er. Are same-sex. Er. Relationships . Not a...an occurrence on Earth then?”
“ What?” Shiro was pretty sure he’d never been more startled to hear anything come out of Allura’s mouth before, and she’d exposed them to plenty of shocking information during their relatively short association. “No! I mean, yes, they are a thing. Not. Um. Everyone agrees with it, but same sex marriage is recognized by the government, and they have the same rights as opposite sex couples. It’s the same with gender too. There’s not...supposed to be discrimination about that. There is anyway, especially in the military, where there are still some jobs they say you’ve got to be a male to qualify for. I mean, that’s why Pidge did what she did, you know? But what the fu...er. What the hell does that have to do with Keith and Lance fighting?”
Allura covered her mouth with her hand to hide a smile, as if Shiro were being adorably obtuse. His eyes widened.
“Wait, are you saying that they’re attracted to each other, and they keep fighting like this because they’re both too stubborn to admit it?” he asked incredulously. The princess, still trying not to smile but also still blushing brightly, looked down at her own glass of fruit juice and ran a finger around its rim.
“Well,” she sighed, “I’m saying that’s certainly part of it.”
“I...see,: said Shiro, trying desperately to ignore the surge of bitter jealousy that rose like bile in his throat when he realized that, in retrospect, it was entirely possible that she was right. And that the thought of Lance and Keith. Keith and Lance together filled him with a terrible sense of despair and longing that he could not... would not allow himself to feel. Convincing himself he was shaking it off, he frowned. “But, whether that’s true or not, they can’t keep going on the way they are, and I’m about at my wits’ end. What about the Altean military, Princess? Did….do your people’s traditions offer any suggestions we could utilize in dealing with the. Situation? Before their behavior causes some kind of crisis we can’t avert. Or even affects all of us in battle badly enough to actually endanger someone? I mean, once we joined with the lions, and found you and Coran, we really became Altean soldiers more than anything else. I’m not even sure what waits for us back on Earth, if we ever even get there.”
Allura’s eyes narrowed at him a little. She looked more than a bit uncertain, but also as frustrated as Shiro felt.
“While it’s true that my people were a peaceful race, and our military implemented many of the same sorts of disciplinary measures you described, there...was another option.”
“What is it?” Shiro leaned forward a little, feeling hopeful for the first time. Maybe there was some kind of cool behavioral modification program in those amazing computers of theirs. Allura’s words dashed his hope like a bucket of ice water.
“Corporal punishment,: said Allura uncomfortably.
“You mean beat them?” Shiro’s voice ramped up an octave in disbelief. Allura blushed and looked away.
“It was only ever used as a last resort, but for crimes not serious enough to warrant imprisonment, or when such a thing wasn’t possible due to the importance of the officer’s position. And never taken lightly, I assure you. My people were not barbarians!”
“No, that’s….I didn’t mean it to sound insulting. We...on Earth a lot of militaries used to do the same thing, but it fell out of practice a long time ago,” he said awkwardly.
“I imagine it would have done the same on Altea, had my planet not fallen in battle so long ago,” Allura said softly, a flicker of the grief Shiro knew she must have dealt with every day showing on her lovely face for a moment.
“I’m sorry...Allura,” said Shiro awkwardly. One of his hands let go of the glass he was clutching like some kind of totally inadequate shield, made an abortive move towards her as though to….he didn’t even know. Pat her on the shoulder? Grip her hand comfortingly? But he always felt awkward about touching Allura. She was a princess , and in his mind they were leagues apart, even though she was always kept trying to convince them all that’s not true. She gave a small head-shake and smiled, the grief vanishing as quickly as it had come. From her expression anyway. He knew some kinds of pain never left you, no matter how much time passed. The muscles in his shoulder twitched in sympathy. The ones attached to his prosthetic arm.
“It’s all right. And I’m not offended. It was….well, you asked. I’ve no idea whether such an option would work or not. We just seem to be running out of choices. Perhaps locking them in an empty room together until they work things out,” she suggested a little weakly, her mouth quirking in a wry smile. Shiro’s smile in return matched hers pretty exactly.
“I’m afraid if we did that, we’d find ourselves in the market for two new pilots,” he sighed. “It’s just. I don’t want to be that guy anymore, the one for whom violence is the answer to most of his problems. They’re my friends as well as fellow paladins, even if I am sort of their commanding officer.”
“There is no ‘sort of’ to it, Shiro,” said Allura gently. “You are their commanding officer, but it’s not just because the black lion chose you. They all chose you too. You weren’t forced on them through some military assignment from some uniformed bureaucrat who cared nothing for building a good team. They love you. And there is a difference between violence and discipline. I don’t know if it’s the right answer or not, but I do agree with you that something must be done. I don’t think I can tell you how to handle your team. It’s ultimately up to you. But please. Come up with something . And soon.”
He nodded glumly, finished his juice a little regretfully (he hoped they still had more), and pushed to his feet, feeling about fifty years older than he was.
“I’ll try,” he said, and walked away.
****
“You’re being stupid.”
Shiro’s head whipped around toward the sound of the voice, his body tensing suddenly as it always did when something surprised him. He was working on it, but the fight or flight instinct was something he’d learned the hard way, and learned really well, down to a subconscious, nearly cellular level living in the gladiator cells and caves where he’d been held. He relaxed when he saw Pidge sliding down the slanted wall he was leaning against on one of the Castle’s outer ramparts. He liked to come here to think. It was peaceful, way up high like this with the wind in his face and ruffling his hair, being able to see all around, but tucked away between the wall and a stone railing that protected anyone standing here from falling off. He hadn’t realized anyone else knew about the spot. Sighing a little, he hoped it wouldn’t mean he’d have to find a new spot. He liked this one. Pidge’s words registered in his brain.
“What are you talking about?” He knew his voice sounded a little irritable, but Keith and Lance had been confined to their quarters for close to 24 hours now and he was no closer to a solution. Or even to a decision on how to handle the single incident with their fight at the feast. Pidge settled next to him and drew her knees up under her chin.
“Look, I don’t know any other way to say what I wanna say to you other than to just come out and say it. Try not to dive over that rail to escape on me, okay?”
Thinking that sounded drastically ominous, he promised not to, lips twitching with humor.
“Okay,” she said, smiling back. “I see the way you look at them. I see the way they look at you. And oh my god, everybody sees the way they look at each other when they think nobody notices.”
Shiro abruptly wished he hadn’t made that promise, because he’d rather be anywhere but here right now, and Pidge was sitting against the door. Over the rail was his only option. Maybe Black could make it in time to prevent him from splatting to his gruesome death almost a hundred feet below. Or maybe death would be better. His mouth dropped open as he stared at her.
“I...you...they…,” he said intelligently. Pidge rolled her eyes.
“Come on Shiro. They’re both so desperate for you to notice them that they’d do anything for it. And they’re scared to admit that they’re into each other too. It’s a huge part of why they fight so much. The problem is that they’re both too stubborn...and too scared...to admit it. I’m pretty sure neither of them has room in their tiny brains for there to ever be an all of you, and they can’t decide who they want more. They never see you looking at them that way, so another huge part of it is that they’re fighting over you , even if they don’t realize it. But they never see the way you look at both of them.”
“That’s not possible,” whispered Shiro desperately.
“Why,” snapped Pidge sharply, her eyes flaring angrily at him. “Are you so stupid and old fashioned that you think there has to be only one person for everybody?”
“Wh-what? I...no, that’s not what I...Pidge. I’m their superior officer!”
“Pfft,” snorted Pidge, waving this away with distressing lack of concern. “In battle, sure. What does that have to do with feelings? Especially when we’re fighting a war all of us are more than halfway sure there’s no way we can win? I think it’s stupid not to grab hold of what matters with both hands and hang on as tight as you can. And in your case, you’re gonna need both hands.”
“You...you’re actually being serious right now,” said Shiro, feeling a little like she’d just whacked him upside his head with a tree trunk. And yet….and yet her words made a certain amount of sense. His traitorous body and heart whispered to him that she was right. They were no longer members of the Garrison. He’s been clinging to Earth military regulations because they were what he knew , and, if he were honest, because he didn’t think he was worthy of them. Not after the things he’d done. You didn’t have a choice , he thought. And you fought them every chance you got, until you escaped. You never gave up, or let yourself become what they wanted to make you, even if you came close a few times.
“Of course I’m being serious. Both of those guys want you so bad they can’t stand it, and I know you want them right back. So stop hanging on to some stupid sense of duty that means jack anymore. We’re not Earth’s soldiers anymore, even if we’re fighting for it’s freedom too. Hell, Shiro, we deserted when we left Earth, whether we meant to or not. Superior officer my ass. You’re the Black lion. A paladin like the rest of us. You deserve to be happy as much as the rest of us do. Maybe more, after everything you’ve gone through. So just...be happy.”
“I can’t let what they did last night slide,” he said slowly, mostly because the rest of his brain was heavily occupied with what she’d just said. Pidge laughed lightly.
“That one’s easy,” she said with what couldn’t be described as anything but a decidedly dirty smile.
“Yeah? Well I wish someone would explain it to me, because I’m half out of my mind with trying to figure out how to handle it,” he admitted, scrubbing a hand through his hair and making it stand on end. Pidge giggled.
“Bust their butts for them real good,” she said lightly, “and then kiss it better.”
“You...you’re suggesting that I...you think I should…”
“Gee, Shiro, when’d you become such a smooth talker? I’m saying they’re been acting like bratty little kids. So treat them that way. It’s what they want anyway.”
“How in the hell,” said Shiro slowly, “do you know that?”
“Shiro, my friend,” said Pidge loftily, “I am a hacker. I know what kind of porn everybody on this Palace of a ship...or would that be ship of a Palace….looks at.”
“Katherine Holmes,” gasped Shiro in shocked horror (mixed with relief because there was no porn on his own console in his bedroom), “I am going to tell your brother on you when we rescue him!”
Pidge snorted at this.
“Go ahead. I hacked his ass years ago. Blackmail material enough to last me for years. ”
Shiro decided it was probably best to end that particular line of discussion, because there were things he did not want to know.
“So...both of them...you’re sure?” he asked. He wished he could say with reluctance, but he was too fascinated. And sort of felt like he’d already passed the point of no return anyway.
“Yup. Keith seems to like a little rougher stuff than Lance, but Lance is more into bondage and I’m pretty sure he’s got a kink for praise the size of this monstrous thing we live in. Kind of explains all the bragging, if you think about it, yeah? But the spanking? Oh yeah. I’m very sure.”
Shiro hid his face in his hands.
“Tell me you’re not spying on people in the privacy of their own rooms,” he begged plaintively.
“Okay, I won’t tell you that,” chirped Pidge cheerfully. Shiro groaned. “Kidding, I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t do that, Shiro. I didn’t even exactly come across the porn thing on purpose either. Allura and Coran asked me to do a sweep of everybody’s consoles after that time we got hit with the computer bug they were afraid came from one of Zarkon’s spies. Like, every console in the palace. So it was really an accident, but once I found stuff, I couldn’t help looking. Please don’t tell anyone. I’ll never tell a soul, except you, because someone obviously had to kick you in the butt to get you to do something. And...okay, in the interest of being completely honest with you, because I don’t ever want to lie to you, Hunk knows what I found on his console, because I told him, and the spying thing wasn’t a joke about him because he said I could. Because of some of the stuff I found. But I won’t tell you what it was, because that’s his private business and I swore I wouldn’t. I know Keith and Lance would never be able to look me in the eye again if they knew, and I don’t want that to happen. There’s nothing wrong with what anybody fantasizes about, or what they want, as long as everyone involved is okay with it, and nobody gets hurt. Well,” she added as an afterthought, “as long as nobody gets damaged. ”
“Pidge?” Shiro spoke after being silent for a very long time.
“Yes Shiro?”
“Stop talking.”
She faked pulling a zipper across her lips and scrambled to her feet. As she opened the door and turned to leave, she paused.
“Okay, one more thing though,” she said. Shiro groaned again.
“Fix this,” she said firmly. “And just...be happy. All of you deserve it.”
The door hissed closed behind her softly.
****