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The big, mahogany desk isn’t an unfamiliar sight for Jeongyeon. If anything, it’s a lot cozier than what her classroom could offer. It’s quiet, peaceful, and most of all, she’s alone. Just the way she likes it.
Her legs are propped up on the sleek, wooden counter, reclining back on the hind legs of a matching timber chair. If she had her phone with her she’d be searching up how to run away and start a new life, but she doesn’t and she’s left picking at the dirt under her nails as she waits for the principal to reprimand her and escort her back to her dorm just to tell her she won’t be seeing her phone any time soon.
The clock ticks annoyingly and with every second it does, her patience wilts. Fortunately those big, firm, wooden doors split open, and in comes a tall, scruffy looking man, Mr. Park. He’s got a knack for criticizing, oh— and collecting butterflies (fake ones anyways).
“Yoo Jeongyeon,” he shuts the door behind him with a light thud from the heaviness, “I’m getting tired of saying that name. But ah— you’re here again! It’s only like your fifth time this week,” he glances at his watch as he sits opposite of Jeongyeon, “and it’s only Wednesday! That’s a record.” There’s an obvious sarcasm playing into his words as he scuffles through the mess on his desk, trying to find Jeongyeon’s pink slip.
“Yeah, well, maybe if you stop calling for me you’d say my name less,” she’s bored, if that’s not obvious enough. She throws the crumpled half-sheet onto his desk before bringing her feet down to the carpeted floor, still swinging back and forth on the heels of the chair. Mr. Park takes a good look at the crumpled paper before shooting Jeongyeon a glare from above his thin rimmed glasses, “Mr. Kim must hate you, what’d you do this time?” He slips his glasses off, (it’s one of those with a neck strap) and allows it to fall on its own.
Jeongyeon shrugs, “Dunno, I fell asleep in class, again, that shouldn’t be a surprise to you anymore but— I also got caught cheating off Tzuyu. Other than that, that’s about it.” She nods, running her palms down her pleated skirt (which she hates so much because skirts are just not her thing ).
Mr. Park sighs, a heavy one, like he’s got no other choice but to do what he’s about to do, “With all these complaints from teachers and staff , I’m afraid I’m gonna have to resort to this, Jeongyeon.” there’s a short lull before he speaks again, “I’m sending you off to a convent.”
Oh, God. A fucking convent.
Isn’t it enough she’s spending all her high school life in a fucking Catholic school? Not to mention an all girls school (which she didn’t mind at all, at all). That, she can handle, but a convent? A fucking convent ? Jeongyeon’s eyes widen at his suggestion, no— his decision, “Are you fucking kidding me?” And it’s that type of attitude and language that brings her to this situation in the first place.
Mr. Park nods, “I’ve actually got all the paperwork done and we’ve all just been waiting for the last straw. And that’s today.”
We?
We?
God, all the staff had this planned out didn’t they? They wanted her exiled before she makes things any more difficult than it already is. “Okay,” she chuckles a little, in denial at his abrupt arrangement, “I get it, you’re trying to scare me blah blah but I call bullshit on that.” she raises her hands mockingly as if to surrender.
And that’s how she’s sent off to a convent the next morning with nothing but a bare suitcase and her backpack. The bus isn’t nearly as snug as she pegged it to be, and sharing it with Nayeon and Momo isn’t so ideal of a trip or vacation. The road’s bumpy, making it impossible to sleep and she wonders how the two manage to catch a nap before arriving at the monastery. It’s old and practically rotting of age and wear. The inside doesn’t do it any justice, with the tiled floor and the glass stained windows and pointed ceiling with chained chandeliers hanging above, looks unsafe but don’t worry, God will protect me . She rolls her eyes at that thought.
They’re assigned to separate bunkers, rooming with female postulants and soon-to-be nuns. And the nuns greet the them politely in those nun-ny tone they have with their nun outfit and nun shoes. Nuns. Some of them look about twenty-five, some even look thirty, but there’s three in particular who shared the same age group as Jeongyeon, Nayeon and Momo, only that they’re not quite nuns yet. And they each take one for their own.
Jeongyeon doesn’t bother with the introductions and instead lays out her suitcase on her bed, staring at what bare minimum she’s left with: two pairs of sweatpants, three shirts, an underwear for every day of the week, socks and an extra bra.
“Here are your bed sheets and blanket.” There’s a soft voice entering the doorway behind her and she turns around, locking gazes with a fucking goddess. Jeongyeon’s taken aback, is this the girl I’m supposed to be rooming with? She’s only been at the monastery for approximately thirty-minutes and she’s already sinning.
“I’m Mina.” Her voice is like a hymn to Jeongyeon’s ears, soft and well— pleasing. Seconds pass before Jeongyeon could even utter out anything, she’s practically gaping at the girl and everything in her mind scrambles like an egg, “Jeongyeon.”
“It’s nice to meet you, I’ll be your roommate for the next month,” she’s a little shy, or so that’s what it seems like when she clasps her hands behind her back, avoiding Jeongyeon’s probably overbearing stare.
“Nice uh, to, uh, meet you too.” She stutters, it probably came out more awkward than she had expected it to but it’s out and she garners a short, rhythmical giggle from the girl. And now she’s embarrassed.
Mina clears her throat, she’s wearing this really fucking long black dress, (Jeongyeon’s not sure if it’s even a dress or a blanket at that point), it covers all of her legs, down to her ankles where they meet the start of her black polished shoes. Her hair’s tucked into one of those nun veils, except her’s aren’t as restricted than that of the elders, Jeongyeon could see wisps and strands of her hair trying to poke out of the covering, a soft dark brown.
“Anyways, I’ll help you make your bed while you fix your clothes into the dresser,” she points over to a small, four drawer dresser, “the last one’s yours.” Jeongyeon nods and stuffs what little belongings she was able to grab into the small drawers.
The bed’s all made, lunch was eaten and the night has crept in slowly. So far Jeongyeon’s still disinterested, occasionally finding the time to drop a few hi’s and hello’s to anyone who passes her by. Momo and Nayeon come knocking in her room, asking how she feels about this whole religious thing and about being stuck here for a month.
“Y’know, I miss my phone.” she slumps into the hard bed, taking in account that this isn’t a fancy five star hotel with memory foam mattresses, “It hasn’t been a day and I admit I miss Mr. Park’s gigantic brown desk already.”
Momo and Nayeon nod in unison.
“What even brought you both here, I mean, I’m obvious case, you see the shit I do in class right?” she sits up on the edge of the bed, feet against the cold floor.
“Well,” Momo begins, giving Nayeon a look like she’s not so sure whether she should confess their sins or not, but Jeongyeon’s not a confession booth, she’s far from religious, “okay well it started out in the bathroom—”
“We got caught making out basically.” Nayeon interrupts, and it’s just that easy for her to drop her sins and confess to being lesbian, unless that was mere trial then Jeongyeon’s got this all wrong.
“That’s cute,” she rolls her eyes, plopping her body onto the bed again and forgetting how hard and uncomfortable it was.
“Hey, actually, the girl I’m bunking with is super fucking cute, like I mean— fucking cute.” There’s a grin playing on Nayeon’s lips unknowingly and Momo gives her a sort of glare like the I know we’re not a thing or that we ever will be but I had you first and so you’re mine kind of glare and Nayeon zips her mouth with that thought.
“But actually, I’m rooming with this girl, Sana, and she looks like a fucking dog but like a cute dog, you know?” Momo returns her gaze onto Jeongyeon who’s busy playing with the hem of her t-shirt, “Are you listening to me?”
She shoots up and nods, “Yeah, definitely. Aren’t you two tired? Mina’s gonna come back soon and I think I’d prefer it if you’re both gone before she gets back.”
“Yoo Jeongyeon,” Nayeon squints, shaking her head, “she’s a, nun you can’t pull her into your sex trap!”
“God fucking damnit, that’s not the case. You two are fucking embarrassing and I don’t need you to know how she looks like before you start teasing me about wanting to fuck her on the dinner table.”
There’s a long, really long , silence, an awkward one. Because behind her is Mina who’s holding a tall glass of milk in her hands, mouth agape, eyes wide, a shocked Mina.
Fuck .
“I’m so sorry about last night.” she whispers to her reflection through the bathroom mirror. Everything after that incident had gone to shit and it was so fucking awkward that Jeongyeon couldn’t get a minute of sleep so now she’s in the bathroom, up at the crack of dawn, trying to find a way to apologize without making things even more awkward, which is what she’s best at doing. She side steps quietly out of the bathroom, the creaking of the old doors don’t do her justice as she practically had just woken up her sleeping roommate, and that’s the last of her wishes. She face palms, slapping her forehead for the ill-fate she brought upon herself.
“Good morning.” she presses her lips together, letting go of the golden bathroom doorknob as Mina sits up on her bed in a long white nightgown. There’s that tension, or at least that’s what it feels to Jeongyeon.
“Good morning, Jeongyeon. You’re up earlier than me.” Mina says in a calm, soothing voice, which definitely shouldn’t be the case if she were upset or offended by any of the things Jeongyeon decided to say the previous night. She stays silent for a while, trying to figure Mina out as she brings herself off the bed and into the bathroom. What’s that about? Is she not upset? Chances are, probably not. She's a nun after all, if that's somehow connected to her being nice and forgiving.
They pray first thing in the morning, in the small chapel restricted solely for postulants. Jeongyeon, Momo and Nayeon are on their knees, hands clasped together, praying to a God they don't believe in. It's a bother, Jeongyeon’s knees begin to give up five minutes into the prayer, so she shifts and slumps back down only to have Mina straighten her posture. She turns to look at her, and Mina’s already gone back to praying and confessing her sins, lips touching the thumbs of her clasped hands, eyes closed.
Jeongyeon’s sinning again.
If homosexuality is considered a sin in this house of God, Jeongyeon’s definitely sinning without a doubt. And that goes for Momo and Nayeon who both are practically drooling all over their roommates in front of a gigantic cross where Jesus is pinned on.
The prayer is over and it's longer than Jeongyeon wishes it to be. Breakfast was breakfast, work was work, and pretty soon they had to attend class with these soon-to-be nuns, it's almost like they're becoming nuns too.
God, and what's even worse is that they have to wear the novice nun costumeㅡ uniform and Jeongyeon curses the heavens for that.
Momo looks undeniably innocent in the attire, which goes opposite of what she really is like (talk about the spawn of the devil). Nayeon’s busy ogling at her roommate, Chaeyoung, even though she claims to be ‘a child of God,’ her words, not Jeongyeon’s. And Jeongyeon, wellㅡ “I'm sorry about last night.” she whispers to Mina who's diligently writing down notes about nunnery and nunning.
“It’s okay, I've forgiven you. God says not to hold grudges for too long, everyone deserves to be forgiven.” she doesn't even have to whisper because her voice is soft enough for everything else to drown it out, even the sound of a thumbtack hitting the tiled floor. Jeongyeon half expects her to blurt out a verse like Matthew 2:13 or whatever it was about forgiving and such but she doesn't and Mina continues to eye her paper without a single glance at Jeongyeon. There's that palpable silence between them again, one that only exists in their world. Surprisingly, Jeongyeon managed to stay silent the rest of the class, which is probably the first effect Mina had on her. And before she knew it, they're sitting on a swing set, side by side, basking in the same tangible silence.
“I have a question,” Jeongyeon mumbles, playing with her fingers. She's never been this quiet before, or for that matter, never felt like there was nothing to say, Mina's the first, “Why do you want to become a nun?”
Mina takes a while to answer the question, racking her brain for some answers or maybe asking God for some help, like she too, has no idea, “I haven’t found anything more important than my faith and religion, I’d give up everything for the God who’s constantly looking out for me and forgiving all my sins.”
Jeongyeon can’t relate.
Even growing up into a religious family, even growing up at a Catholic school, even being surrounded by people who truly believe in a greater God, a deity, won’t erase the fact she doesn’t believe in the almighty, and if anything, she’s not religious at all. She tries her best to understand Mina, but it’s perplexing and baffling how someone could devote their whole life for a God that probably doesn’t exist, going so far as to throw away a possible future with a loving partner or life outside the monastery (which Jeongyeon would kill to have right now). She merely nods, unable to utter anything back to such an answer, after all she has no right to strip someone of their beliefs.
Mina’s in the shower, and while that’s going on, Momo and Nayeon urge their way into Jeongyeon’s bunker.
“Okay, honestly, Sana’s a little gay, I can definitely feel it,” Momo whispers, crouching at the edge of Jeongyeon’s rock hard bed, and Nayeon rolls her eyes at that.
“How can you tell?” she mutters from behind the bible, not that she was reading at all but she ought to have some sort of gist as to what Mina and these girls are really getting themselves into, and it isn’t a pretty sight for Jeongyeon.
“God, my gay-dar’s practically ringing at the sight of her. I just want to be between her legs—” she’s cut off by Nayeon nudging her, jerking her thumb back at Mina who’s wet haired and bare in the same white nightgown. Nayeon winks at Jeongyeon before dragging Momo out of the room, leaving the two behind.
“Hey, how’s your shower?” Jeongyeon’s voice trails off at the end, partially regretting asking such a weird question, half of her, afraid that Mina would find her weird. And nuns do criticize, that’s why they spend so much time repenting and confessing their sins because that’s all they ever do. That’s what Jeongyeon thinks at least.
“It was a shower, warm to say the least,” in the same soft, lullaby of a voice that Mina owns, “Have you seen my Bible anywhere?”
Jeongyeon sits up, shutting the book in her hands (she was only on Genesis anyways, and somehow could never manage to pass the beginning and creation), “Yeah, sorry, I felt like reading it.”
“It’s okay,” Mina’s walking towards her bed in short steps, sitting at the edge and it’s as if she’s already used to the hardness of the bed because she doesn’t bother trying to sink into it at all. And Jeongyeon’s sitting up, watching her take the book from her hands, “I’ve had this Bible since I was in elementary school, my dad gave it to me for my ninth birthday. There’s a wistfulness in her voice as she says so, lightly running her thumb over the brown leather cover of the book, before she glances towards Jeongyeon, meeting her in the eyes, capturing her until she’s left speechless.
There’s a silence.
And then talking between their eyes, between worlds and religions and dimensions, there’s talking. Mina in her soft voice and Jeongyeon in her abruptness, the difference colliding together to mix a perfect purple, or blue like cotton candy. Mina’s not sure what’s so enticing about Jeongyeon’s eyes, but they are, they’re attractive in that shade of brown and she’s never thought anything special about brown eyes. She didn’t expect to be met with such attraction, magnetization, a rare existence. She clears her throat, feeling her cheeks heat up at the spur of the moment staring contest, “I think we should go to bed.” But Jeongyeon’s already in bed and it’s her who needs to return to her own. So she does.
The next morning’s the same deal as the rest, and it’s like that till the end of the week, till the weekend comes and now there’s no need for classes, so they take a trip down the garden. There’s gigantic stone statues of saints and angels and all these religious warfare, educational plaques built on the base each statue stands on. Momo and Nayeon actually take the time to read them while Jeongyeon focuses solely on the statues and why they’re built the way they are with that expression, holding the bible. Mina’s walking alongside her, choosing to wear the nun-outfit over something comfortable like Jeongyeon in her joggers and a plain black tee. Like always, Mina’s hands are clasped behind her, walking in short steps as she raises her chin, admiring the stone sculpture. And it’s still quiet between them.
From behind, Jeongyeon could hear Nayeon laughing in her loud, annoying and boisterous laugh, and there’s a short postulant wearing the same attire as Mina, covering her mouth with her hand as she chuckles softly. And up front’s no different as Momo’s hand accidentally brushes upon the girl’s, earning her a shy giggle. And Momo ogles at that kind of beauty.
Lesbians.
She says in her head. They’re postulants for God’s sake, preparing to be a nun. But clearly the two ignore that fact as they continue with their flirtatious figures through the garden.
“My favorite one,” Mina stops, admiring the figure, and it’s one intricately sculpted Mary holding her hands out. Jeongyeon wants to ask why, but reasoning with figures and statues were none of her interest, not now as Mina glances at her, lips graceful like the heavens.
She’s so pretty, she’s so fucking pretty.
She holds back on the compliments, worried at the way Mina would think of her. If it were anyone else, Jeongyeon wouldn’t mind the criticism. But it isn’t just anyone else, it’s Mina. And Mina’s kind and soft and elegant in her ways. They’re staring at each other again, conversing through different languages only they can speak. And they’re alone, at the back of the chapel in the hidden part of the garden, away from the group. Jeongyeon wants to do something she’s about to regret, something she’d have to trade her whole life for but her courage fails her again as she merely shoots Mina a tiny, regretful smile.
It’s a cheat day, Saturday, and the prioress (Mother Superior) allows them to take some time outside of the monastery as a gift for passing their first two weeks without any ruckus. Momo, Nayeon and Jeongyeon do just that, heading off to the nearest small town restaurant. They’ve got approximately two hours to manage before their curfew and spending it getting drunk is a good idea, or so that’s what they think.
“God, I really want to fuck Sana in the chapel.” Momo says with a groan, stuffing four pieces of meat into her cheeks. There’s a glare from Nayeon and she doubts that she could even help it because she herself had confessed to wanting to be more than roommates with Chaeyoung.
“You both have problems.” Jeongyeon’s busy flipping the meat, occasionally taking a sip from the green soju bottle.
“But it’s not like you don’t wanna do anything with Mina, admit it, you're attracted to her.” Nayeon’s steady with the drinking, not so much the case for Momo and Jeongyeon, who’s already downed a whole bottle and a half.
“Shut the fuck up, she’s a nun. Soon-to-be at least,” she jabs Nayeon in the rib, causing the girl to shift in her seat, “I’m not stupid like the both of you, falling in love or wanting to fuck a nun is nearly impossible.”
“Postulant, Jeongyeon, they’re postulants.” Momo says through her chewing, “You never know if they change their minds about their faith and whatnot. Besides, they’re pretty young, they’ve probably been influenced by their parents.” she waves her chopsticks around, already looking drunk as her eyes focus elsewhere while talking to Jeongyeon.
“Okay, but I’m not about to talk a postulant out of her faith just because I’m greedy,” she downs the rest of the bottle and Nayeon smirks, trying to entertain the situation, “When did you become so selfless, Yoo Jeongyeon? Must be Mina’s effect. You haven’t been causing trouble at all.”
“Shut up, I just wanna get the fuck outta here, we’ve got three more weeks and I’d be lucky if I’m still sane after this.”
She’s not even sane after that when they get back to the monastery. Nayeon’s practically guiding them back into their rooms, plopping Jeongyeon in her rock of a bed causing Mina to sit up at the disturbance, “What’s wrong with her?”
The lamp flicks on and she sees Jeongyeon on the bed laying unconscious, Nayeon shrugs, “She’s tired.” before exiting the room.
“Why do you have to be a nun?” her eyes open half-way, seeing twoㅡ noㅡ three Minas, and she points to the one that’s not the real her. Mina brings her hand back down, and it’s smooth and delicate.
“We need to get you out of these clothes, you reek.” she scrunches her nose. Jeongyeon could practically feel her heart swell, and that’s not an effect caused by alcohol. Mina runs her fingers down Jeongyeon’s sides, lifting up the shirt and pulling it over her head. Her face reddens at the sight of Jeongyeon’s fair, milky, creamy skin. And it’s there she wonders whether she’s sinning or not (and that’s a story for the confession booth tomorrow). Jeongyeon tugs at her wrist pulling her near to whisper something she can’t quite make out and the breath against her ear makes her shiver.
She’s so close, inches, centimeters away from Jeongyeon’s plump, pink lips. Jeongyeon’s still muttering something about being a nun and why she’s gotta be so pretty and it’s got Mina’s heart rate soaring through the pointed roof of the monastery.
Feeling this way isn’t a sin right? God never said anything’s wrong with love, love is loveㅡ
Her thoughts stop as she feels a warm, soft flesh against her lips. She’s kissing Jeongyeonㅡ a half naked Jeongyeonㅡ a half naked, drunk Jeongyeon. But she doesn’t pull away, and instead her eyes close in an instant, delving into the delicate lips Jeongyeon offers her and that’s it, she’s definitely gonna have to repent about it for the rest of her life.
Jeongyeon wakes up the next morning with a pain-striking headache, a throbbing migraine splitting her head in half. There’s a small ray of sunshine escaping through the thick curtains, falling onto the wooden floor. It’s nice and all but her arm’s dead and she’s got this terrible migraine and her arm’s dead. She glances at the head pillowing her arm, tucked in the crevice of her neck, pressed against her half naked body, Myoui Mina. Last night’s a total fucking blur and she can’t recall what led her into this situation, what led Mina into this situation and oh God, she’s thinking of the worse.
Did I get her drunk?!
Mina shifts in her position, eyes batting open as she meets Jeongyeon’s shocked, widened eyes. She doesn’t return the expression, it’s as if she recalls what got them into this position in the first place. Her eyes avoid Jeongyeon as she look away shyly, red roses on her cheeks, not even able to look down without being met with Jeongyeon’s plump chest.
She’s blushing early in the morning.
And God, is that a sight to wake up to.
They don’t talk about it, and it remains a question for Jeongyeon. Today’s Sunday, and Sunday’s they cleanse themselves at the confession booth where the priest hides at the opposite side, probably criticizing the shit out of you. Mina’s up, and Mina makes sure no one’s around to hear any of the sins she’s made over the course of the week. She clears her throat, running her hand against the fabric of her dress which falls just above her ankles as she sits.
“Forgive me, father for I have sinned. It’s been one week since my last confession. I accuse myself of the following sins,” she begins, looking down at her nervous hands, “I’ve kissed someone last night, a girl to be exact. I’ve began to question my faith since I met her.”
There’s a short lull before the father says a short, deep, “Go on.”
“I’m sorry for these sins and the sins of my whole life.” the routine continues as the priest says the word of forgiveness (absolution), and Mina recites the Act of Contrition. Somehow, some part of her doesn’t want forgiveness, some part of her wants this thing to happen between her and Jeongyeon.
Jeongyeon and the two aren’t required to confess anything without wanting to and so they don’t and they wait inside the chapel for their lovers to come retrieve them.
“Since they’re doing confession right now,” Momo says, laying on the pew, observing the stained glass and murals, “why not have one between ourselves too?”
Seems like Nayeon’s agreeing as she nods her head at Momo’s suggestion and two always beats one so Jeongyeon’s left with no choice (arguing with them isn’t even an option).
“Who wants to start?” Momo traces the air with her finger, drawing shapes out of boredom and Nayeon opts to stay out of it, “Okay fine I’ll go.” she’s a little dejected about confessing first because chances are Nayeon and Jeongyeon probably won’t tell their sins. But she trusts them just this once, (and that never goes right).
“Okay, so. Sana’s gay,” Jeongyeon and Nayeon nod, as if they already knew it was coming. Besides, anyone who got close to Momo, ended up switching from the left end of the spectrum to the right end, “and we fucked.”
Nayeon lets out an over exaggerated gasp, covering her mouth with the palm of her hand, “Shocker!” Momo makes a face at her, crossing her arms over her chest, “Anyone you hang out with becomes gay, Momo.”
She purses her lips, thinking back at all the girls she’s turned gay back at their Catholic school: Tzuyu, Dahyun and Jihyo to name a few. She nods, admitting to that fact, “Okay next.”
“Fine, I’ll go but isn’t it ironic we’re talking about the shit we’ve done inside a chapel?” Nayeon states, tapping her lips before turning around to look at Jeongyeon who’s sitting a row behind her, “Chaeyoung and I are a thing. And she’s questioned her whole faith about God and all thatㅡ she’s quitting as soon as I get out of here.”
“God, that’s fucking fast paced isn’t it. It’s only been two weeks.” Jeongyeon retorts, reclining back against the hard wooden pew which wistfully reminds her of the mahogany chair back in Mr. Park’s office.
“Yeah but hey, love is love, and even if it doesn’t work out between me and Chaeng, at least she’ll be free from this prison, y’know.” That’s reasonable enough, at least Chaeyoung’s in the right mind about changing her life’s direction whereas, Mina, not so much, “What about you Jeong?”
She hesitates for a second, chewing on her bottom lip, “Okay well, I woke up with Mina in my arms this morning while I was shirtless and I vaguely remember kissing her last night.” The words echo in the chapel, ringing throughout the religious sanctuary.
“Should I be shocked? I knew it was heading this way.” Nayeon’s intuition is always right and Jeongyeon knew that.
Mina enters the chapel with a loud thud of the doors and the clacking of her shoes echoing through the room. Jeongyeon's head swivels back to be met with a regretful expression from Mina, like she's in a dilemma, “Something wrong?”
Mina shakes her head, plopping beside Jeongyeon who’s urgently signaling the two to scat and leave them alone. And of course it wouldn’t happen without receiving as little as a face or smirk from both Nayeon and Momo, Jeongyeon merely gives them the finger. She faces towards the front, head tilted back as she examines Jesus’ dying figure nailed against a wooden cross which falls on the wall just above the credence table. Mina heaves a short, heavy sigh and it’s almost like she’s not confident in her faith for the first time, and Mina was always strong on being grateful for living, today, not so much.
They let the silence play on, like they always do when the situation was something that words couldn't help. Mina opens her mouth as if to say something, only to have it close out of lack of better words.
“I know something's bothering you.” Jeongyeon says, intervening Mina’s thoughts about whether she should tell the girl what's really happening versus keeping it a secret. (And that's something not even God could help with). She sighs again, shoulders slumping back, head facing down. Mina's never one to admit to having problems because she could always usher them away with as little as a prayer, but this one’s the only exception.
After the whole mental battle between her conscience and her heart, Mina decides to keep it a secret, perhaps that was for the better. Besides, she has no idea on what Jeongyeon’s stance on this really is. This could all just be a platonic friendship between them, who knows.
The next morning is abrupt with classes and from there she tries to avoid Jeongyeon. There might have been a better alternative to that but this was the only thing she could think of. (Hopefully it helps shake the rabid thoughts about love and happiness out of her head). It's not like Jeongyeon couldn't sense it at all, actually she’s not sure about all of it. She believes it's all because of that incident because ever since she woke up with Mina in her arms, (let’s not forget she was topless), things began to spiral down for them. And she can't blame Mina for that.
But then she remembers how Mina avoided her gaze and how roses bloomed on her cheeks when they made eye contact that morning, how her body language specified the exact opposite of what's going on right now. But that's far fetched, and Jeongyeon knows it is because Mina's a postulant and she's religious as fuck and there's no way she'd pick a relationship over her devotion to her religion, nevertheless opt for a gay lifestyle.
So she's left at that, and if all that doesn't confirm the reason why Mina's avoiding her, then maybe she's missing something important. (She definitely is, with how she's overlooking the most important part of it all). She's spacing off again in the middle of class, that's never a surprise but Mina glancing back at her is and that's what breaks Jeongyeon’s eye contact with the leg of Mina's chair. (Mina decided to move up to the front and now Jeongyeon's neighbor-less).
Maybe if she lightens the mood, Mina would come talk to her. So she shoots her a cheeky smile from across the room and Mina's eyes dart away from that picture immediately. So I guess she doesn't like that. Jeongyeon's a little dejected. But it doesn't stop her from trying to approach the only friend she's made around here, and she's occasionally trying to walk with her but that's usually only met with an awkward kind of silence. A lot different from the one that coated them on the previous days.
“Why are you avoiding me?” she didn't want to walk down this path but it's her only choice now because, well, Mina's sorta growing onto her. Mina only looks down at her pale lunch, and it's filled with some vegetables and pasta that's a little too dry for her liking. But the bible says she should be thankful so she tries to be.
“You're really not going to reason this with me?” there’s some impatience hinting at Jeongyeon's voice, but for the most part she isn't upset, “Just tell me why and if it's logical enough, I’ll leave you alone.”
“I don't want to talk about it here, come see me at the chapel after lunch.”
That's all she had to say because now they're sitting side by side in the empty chapel, and Mina's still heaving heavy sighs. To tell or not to tell.
There’s that dilemma and there's the one about love and religion which has only been tearing her apart just at the thought of it. Jeongyeon scoots towards her till their shoulders barely touch and that gesture alone is enough to have Mina's heartbeats become irregular.
“I hope you know you have me to talk to whenever things get a little difficult, I know your God will always be there for you, and you'll probably never need my shoulder to lean on,” Jeongyeon starts and it's probably the smartest thing she's done because Mina’s been waiting for her to say something, “but I’m always here, if ever your God isn't listening to you.”
Mina just melts into those words and it's the thing she's been fearing all this time, but she does and she can't help it one bit because her head’s currently resting on Jeongyeon's shoulder and it's not something she even decided on with a conscious mind. There's a little tingling sensation in Jeongyeon's heart and she's wondering if that's something new or if it's just a recurring thing for her. She shrugs that off because chances are it's nothing important. (Boy was she wrong about that). Her fingers find their way between Mina’s soft, slender ones and they're intertwined on her black sweatpants, grip tightening as Mina holds onto that one moment so dearly before the doors slam open, and with an urgent cry, Momo yells, “Nayeon and Chaeyoung are gone!”
“They're gonna fucking repay for their whole lives! Karma’s practically gonna swoop in and tear them apart!” Momo’s panicked voice could be heard from the entrance of the monastery.
“Calm down, Momo. They've decided to elope and that's their way of saying fuck you to everyone who's been telling them they can't and will never be able to be together.” Jeongyeon says, placing a hand on Momo’s shoulder, “And that probably goes for their family and the church.”
Momo nods, they all understand that coming from such religious families and being gay don't mix well, and maybe Nayeon’s just had enough with the whole ‘men are meant for women’ deal, which is also the case for her and Jeongyeon, she just wonders when their time will be up. The nuns and Mother Superior are gathered out front with the police who are on the phone with Mr. Park, and you wouldn't think nuns would ever call the police but they did because currently one of their postulants and a student have gone missing.
“Nayeon’s fucking crazy, she's fucking crazy. Her parents will kill her when they find her!” Momo’s arms are crossed over her chest, pacing back and forth nervously and she prays for her friend to contact her somehow, saying they're just fine.
“ If they get caught. Stop being so pessimistic, we saw this coming, she clearly told us about the deal between her and Chaeyoung.” Jeongyeon stops her from her relentless pacing, signaling she should sit on the front steps beside Mina who seems to be in a deep state of thought.
“You okay?” she says, joining her and Momo sitting on the steps and Mina sorta snaps out of her thoughts and nods, “I just didn't see this coming. I know Chaeyoung wasn't the most religious of the bunch but,” there's a short pause as she presses her lips together, “I didn't think she could betray her faith and vows like that.”
Mina admires Chaeyoung’s courage. She’s jealous at how easily she could leave behind her progress and religion just to be happy because right now she's struggling with just that. But Jeongyeon doesn't. Jeongyeon thinks about how hard it must've been for both Nayeon and Chaeyoung to make such a decision. And that means Nayeon throwing away her wealth and family for love and happiness. And she doubts it's an easy choice for Chaeyoung to leave behind the church and all that she's ever come to know.
The night crept in fast and Jeongyeon’s opted to take a walk at the garden (although she finds the staring statues creepy). It’s good to take a breather once in awhile, and the church has been suffocating her. There are footsteps coming her way and it's a small, short clippity clopping. It's Mina, and she's startled at Jeongyeon just standing there around the corner, “You scared me.” she clutches her heart and proceeds to elicit a short laugh of embarrassment.
But Jeongyeon's just staring at her. Like, staring . And for a brief moment she thinks about how it would be if only Mina hadn't decided to be a postulant.
“Sorry.” she says with a rub of her nape, smiling awkwardly, “You never got to tell me what's going on.”
And it just registers to the both of them that they were holding hands not too long ago and that's got them blushing and coughing awkwardly.
“I’m okay now.” She's gonna have to confess this next week because she's lying and she knows she shouldn't but she is.
So they sit on a bench, gazing up at the stars. Jeongyeon definitely hasn't thought things through but when Mina's head finds it's way atop her shoulder, her heartbeat goes sky rocketing in an instant. (And at some point she's worried about Mina hearing how hard the thudding of her heart is).
What's wrong with me?
It's like she's being suffocated almost and especially when Mina takes the initiative to grab her hand, bringing it on her lap as they intertwine. She's overly sweating for no reason and her breathing pattern becomes irregular. She admits to finding Mina attractive, but Mina ever wanting to be more than friends? She must be nuts, she'll have to wait for flying pigs before she could even think of such.
She shuts her eyes and inhales sharply, trying to recollect herself, she wasn't like this earlier but why now? She doesn't know.
“God, Momo,” Jeongyeon's words echo throughout the chapel as she lays on the pew examining the stained glass, “I don't know what's going on with me.”
“That's never a good thing,” Momo sits up and eyes her, “You're usually always confident in the shit you do.”
“I know but,” she pauses for a second to adjust her hand under her head as a pillow, “like I really have no idea what's up with me.”
She recalls last night’s events after the garden (boy if you thought it ended at the garden you're most certainly wrong).
Mina grabbed her arm just before she got to her bed and then there was that stare from Mina, like a mix of regret and a little bit of living and she goes and hugs her, tightly for that fact. Like she had known Jeongyeon all this time and missed her so much, that kind of hug. The kind you get from the airport when you finally see each other after forever.
Jeongyeon could recall just how warm Mina's body was against her and it felt good. There was something about the way she held her, like she wasn't supposed to but she was and it made it ten times better.
“I didn't see this coming. I mean, I found her attractive at first sight but,” she tries to rack her brain for a good way to say it, but nothing comes and she’s left at that. Momo merely nods, understanding the situation which was bestowed upon both Jeongyeon and Mina, and that’s a very difficult position to be in.
But by lunchtime, Mina’s dawdling by the stairway, pacing back and forth, up and down. It’s the clicky clacking of her shoes that make her presence known to Jeongyeon and now they’ve ended up in such a confined space, alone.
“Hi,” Mina’s voice echoes through the small enclosure, and its soft like always.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” There’s Jeongyeon coming down the steps to meet her, and she’s somewhat relieved that they could have space away from everyone, she’s finally got her alone and not in their bunker.
“Nothing, just, y’know,” she’s fumbling with her fingers nervously and she’s sweating from the layers, is it just me or it’s terribly hot here? Probably just her.
“I was wondering, would you like, consider watching the stars with me tonight?” Jeongyeon’s overly confident at this and she’s sure Mina wouldn’t turn her down. It’s the only way to get her alone romantically under the stars.
“Sure,” there’s a small smile creeping up on Mina’s face as she tries not to make it known, “would you call this a date?” That’s one step towards bravery for her and it’s a start. Jeongyeon nods and bites back a giant smile, “Alright, I guess I’ll see you then.”
“Would you consider the stars lonely?” They’re sitting on a blanket Jeongyeon had snuck up to the rooftop, the stars are a lot more visible away from the city lights, and it’s just the perfect sight to fall in love with. Then there’s Mina, and as cheesy as it sounds, Jeongyeon admits she’s glowing a different kind of brightness compared to that of the stars.
“Why would you say so? There’s billions of them around.” Mina says, hugging her knees to her chest and she’s just slightly cold. Jeongyeon glances at her and shrugs, “Aren’t they far apart? They can’t possibly be inches away, that would cause a collision!” She’s a little too excited about the cosmos because she’s practically shouting that fact but Mina finds it cute and now she’s giggling under her breath. Mina sighs for a moment, like sorta content but not really and maybe that’s how she really feels. She loves being out here with Jeongyeon but hates the fact she can’t keep this moment forever, or build up better ones because in a week, Jeongyeon’s gotta return back to her school.
“Something wrong?” Jeongyeon eyes her for a second then returning to the stars. She could see Mina shake her head from the corner of her eye, “Yeah well, like you said when two stars get too close, it’ll cause a collision.”
Jeongyeon thinks about it for a minute, surely she’s not talking about the stars right? Mina’s head is leaning on her shoulder again, and that’s the only weight she’d ever want to carry on her shoulders.
“Do you think God would ever forgive Chaeyoung for changing her mind about her devotion?” And Mina knows she’s not only asking for Chaeyoung, but for herself as well.
Jeongyeon doesn’t think about it for a second and instead inhales sharply, “I don’t think he’d be upset about it in the first place. It’s not that Chaeyoung lost her devotion for the religion, but it’s more like she found something that could make her equally as happy as it did. And I think God wants everyone to be happy and Chaeyoung’s found that within Nayeon.”
Of course Jeongyeon’s in no position to say such because she doesn’t believe in God in the first place, but after studying Catholicism for a majority of her life, Jeongyeon’s at least got some idea on what God’s stance on this would be. Mina’s relieved at the answer because it’s just as she wanted to hear, that there’s nothing wrong with finding happiness in something or someone else, “I guess you’re right about that.” she nods and inches closer into Jeongyeon’s arms. (And Jeongyeon didn’t even know she had her arm around Mina in the first place), “That’s about the coolest thing that’s ever left your mouth.”
Oh God, Oh God.
Her heart beat’s skyrocketing again and her cheeks are flushed like roses. How could Mina be okay with killing someone like that? Jeongyeon chuckles awkwardly and feels Mina’s slender fingers weave between her own.
“The heavens will forgive me right?” she’s smiling but there’s this worried look plastered on her face as she looks down at their intertwined hand. Jeongyeon can barely manage a nod as it feels like her chest is about to burst. There’s no way in the world— in the universe that Mina would ever like me.
Curse this God-awful fate they have. The one time Jeongyeon actually likes someone, it’s gotta be a terribly difficult way to be with her. She’s cursing and thanking the heavens at the same time. Mina shuts her eyes tightly and takes a deep breath, hesitating at what’s gonna come next, “I have a confession to make. I know you’re not a confessional but, it’s something only you should know.”
“I like you, Jeongyeon.”
And it’s like that where their lips meet, under the celestial stars, on the rooftop overlooking the garden.
Jeongyeon’s time is up in three days and all she could think about is how to prolong her stay. Maybe trying to ditch would do, but Mina states that they’ll only send her back and make things worse for her at school. She’s snug under Jeongyeon’s hold as they enjoy the remaining time they have together until who knows what.
“You need to tell them,” there’s a seriousness to her voice as she combs gently through Mina’s soft, brown hair. Mina makes a face at that, drawing endless circles on Jeongyeon’s chest, “I know, but I’m afraid I’d be a disgrace.”
“Remember what I told you?” her eyes are fixed on the mount of Mina’s head, “God will forgive you and I’m sure the other sisters will understand that this may not be the life you wanted.”
There’s an unresolved feeling settling in Mina’s stomach, like nauseating almost. She gives herself until the end of Jeongyeon’s trial to say something about her departure from the convent and it makes her feel like she’s sinning.
The course of the next few days flew by fast, and before she knew it, it’s Jeongyeon and Momo’s last day. Mina’s mind trails with contemplation, whether she should stay or not. She still hasn’t mustered up the courage to even hint at it towards Mother Superior.
“Jeongyeon,” she pulls the tall girl back into their bunker, fumbling with her fingers as she nervously eyes the ground, “I don’t think I can do this.”
The words make Jeongyeon’s heart sink and it’s like she’s on a rollercoaster with her lungs are where her throat is supposed to be, “What do you mean?” She’s in denial though she knows well what Mina’s words mean.
Mina trudges back into the room by her bed before sitting on the edge of it, “I don’t know, I really want to be with you but,” she pauses to bite her lip, “I’m not sure if it’s as strong as my devotion to the church and Jesus.”
Jeongyeon shuts her eyes and tries to recollect herself, she wouldn’t want to lash out in the house of God and especially not in front of Mina, then she’d definitely not want to come with. She walks towards her and kneels, placing a hand on the latter’s lap, “Hey, I know it’s very scary but at least you can come back here if the life outside isn’t for you.”
Jeongyeon’s bags are packed and they sit at the entrance of the room waiting for her, she eyes them, “Look, I have to go soon. And I’m really hoping to see you on that bus with me.” She purses her lips before getting back up and slinging her backpack on her shoulders.
“I’ll be outside waiting for the bus, I hope you can make it.” she leaves Mina one last smile, and it’s not one that she usually wear out of joy. Mina watches her figure retreat out the doors before the shut with a short thud.
“Jeongyeon! We’re finally outta here.” Momo sighs in relief, suitcase in one hand and Sana in the other.
“Looks like you’re bringing something else back.” she jests, eyeing Sana and Sana waves lightly, shooting her an angelic smile. No wonder Momo wants to bring her back.
Momo’s eyes dart around as if to look for someone, “No Mina?” Jeongyeon shakes her head in dismay and Momo pats her shoulder in return.
The bus took only forever to arrive and when it did it was covered in mud from the two and a half journey it took in the countryside downpour. Jeongyeon thanks the sisters for being kind to them and letting them stay and in the back of her mind she could feel herself looking for Mina who’s not there. She sighs dejectedly, shoulders slumping down with it as she gets on the bus after Momo, taking one last look at the aged monastery. So that’s what she picked. There’s only bitterness in Jeongyeon’s heart after all that and really, she can’t blame Mina for playing it safe, she’s the one who’s selfish enough to believe Mina would actually leave the church for her.
The bus starts, old engine struggling as it guzzles up gas. And then there’s footsteps, clippity clopping like those black shoes, like the one Mina wears. Jeongyeon’s eyes dart up, and there she sees Mina stripped of her uniform, in blue jeans and a white tee.
God, she’s so fucking beautiful.
And her hair. Her beautiful, brown locks are free from the suffocating veil and it’s long and silky down to her mid-back. And Jeongyeon just stares, dumbfounded by the beauty, clouded with happiness. She’s found her religion.
“I love you, Jeongyeon.”