Chapter Text
It starts off, as almost everything does between them, with a joke.
And of course, like almost everything else between them, for Kageyama, it’s not a joke.
His hands are balled into fists, sitting tight at each side of his thigh, head bowed, and Hinata is still rambling about the thing he was rambling about this morning which is also the same thing he was rambling about yesterday, but Kageyama stopped paying attention a few hours ago, because he’s decided.
He’s saying it.
No matter what happens, no matter the outcome, he’s decided.
He’s weighed the pro’s and con’s against one another, he’s made a spreadsheet, he’s submitted several posts to several different forums – along with several updates – and Kageyama had decided to tell his childhood friend and his best friend that he’s in love with him.
Pro’s include:
No more hoping, pining, longing, or all other things that end in ing
Hinata will know, which in turn means he’ll either 1) stop touching, or 2) touch more
The latter may actually come true
Con’s include:
The former might actually come true
Everything will change
The list could become endless if Kageyama let it, if he detailed every possible situation, but the facts above remain true.
Everything will change, but change is inevitable, and Kageyama has done both a lot of research and a lot of thinking, and he knows that things staying the same is just as bad.
If nothing changes, then nothing will change – these feelings won’t disappear, it won’t suddenly become easier to deal with, Hinata won’t stop playfully poking him, and Kageyama won’t stop waking every morning with an ache in his chest for someone.
Which is how he finds himself here, in this diner, as Hinata runs his mouth and gestures along to his own story.
The longer Hinata carries on, the longer the desperation to just come out and say it grows, until - before Kageyama even knows it - he's bowing his head further and booming out, “Hinata, I like you!”
Hinata’s mouth stops, but his lips are still parted, and then he’s breaking into a beam. “I like you too, Kageyama!” He shouts back.
If it weren’t for the fact that Hinata is a well-known simpleton, these words might have struck joy into the darkest recesses of Kageyama’s heart.
As it stands, the person he loves is in fact a well-known simpleton, and so Kageyama knows that Hinata takes his words to mean something wholly different.
“No, dumbass.” Kageyama starts, and quickly backtracks, because not the way to confess to someone, “I - I mean, I like you." He grits out. "I have for a while, or whatever.”
Understanding dawns bright and early on Hinata’s face, eyes going round and huge, because it’s physically impossible for Hinata to even mask the slightest of emotions, and Kageyama waits – waits for the explosion, the questions, the (heart beating, palms sweaty) reply.
But then Hinata’s face transforms from dumbstruck realisation into something bright and beaming and Kageyama swears his pulse stops for a second, until Hinata is – he’s laughing.
He throws his neck back, his tiny orange head tipped, and laughs. “Yama!” He shouts, and pulls something from under the table.
A water gun.
Kageyama blinks.
“I wanted to do April Fools!” He cries, petulant, but he’s still laughing. “I didn’t think you would remember!”
Kageyama continues to stare.
“You almost got me!” He points. “But I’m not falling that easy! This isn’t rock paper scissors, I’ve been doing this for years.”
April Fools. It’s April Fools Day.
Of course it is. The one day that Kageyama thinks the date on the calendar won’t matter, is the day he chooses to confess to someone on a national prank holiday.
Also the one day that Hinata catches him off guard, every single time, with some stupid practical joke.
Kageyama wants to speak, to explain, to say something, but now the words are out in the open air, now they’ve been spoken, his throat has closed up.
You don’t understand. This isn’t a joke. Listen, idiot.
They’re all there, so why can’t he say it?
“I’ll let you off this time, but next year I’m soooo getting you back.” Hinata squirms in his seat and squeals, honestly squeals, like a two-year-old that can’t contain his excitement. Kageyama wants to scowl, but he finds his unwilling mouth ticking at Hinata’s particular brand of enthusiasm.
Hinata points at his face. “See? You totally thought you had me.”
Kageyama glances away, and finds himself nodding, unable to do anything more.
The weight that he’s carried around in his heart for the past few months has just increased, gained a few pounds, and now sits a heavy pressure on his lungs, making it more difficult to breathe than it already was.
That night, Kageyama cries himself to sleep. He isn’t proud of his actions, but he does accept them.
*
Kageyama met Hinata in the form of a flying red ball that came crashing into his backyard.
That small red ball wasn't the sun, nor was it a planet, but a very small human being, rolling across the grass at lightning speed and ending up in the bushes.
At first, Kageyama thinks it’s an animal, and he freezes where he’s playing with his insects, but then legs are in the air and scrambling up, and a body is propelling itself forward.
“That was awesome!” Someone cries, and jumps upright.
Kageyama stares at the boy who has just arrived in his backyard.
Until he looks down at the trail that they've blazed through his garden.
“My snails!” He shrieks, his voice coming out all high and fast as he stares at the ground, the wreckage of their home he had spent weeks building.
The boy freezes, looking at Kageyama and then the ground.
At a loss, Kageyama bursts out crying.
His mom eventually manages to calm him down, and the boy who is grass-stained and muddy is twisting his feet as he apologises, wringing his hands, but Kageyama scowls at him the whole way back to his own yard.
Kageyama buries his snails the next morning, and holds a funeral. His mother calls him a strange child, but Kageyama has his head bowed in prayer.
Only the next day, the boy is in his classroom, being introduced as ‘Hinata’ and nodding shyly behind the teacher before coming to sit across from him and smiling.
Kageyama scowls with all his eight-year-old might, and Hinata shies back, eyes falling away and shoulders dropping in dejection.
The whole day, Hinata doesn’t try to make any friends. He doesn’t talk to anyone. He just keeps pestering Kageyama.
“Go away.” Kageyama says, building a fort for his beetles.
“Don’t you want to do something?” Hinata is practically bouncing on his feet. “I get fifteen extra minutes because I have ABD, and I get to play with someone.”
“Don’t want to.” Kageyama replies. “And it’s ADHD.”
“What’s that mean?”
“Means you’re stupid.”
There’s silence, and Kageyama glances up to see Hinata staring, struck.
“Joke.” Kageyama says. “Means you’re too hyper all the time.”
Hinata bounces on his feet. “I am!” He shouts.
“Well go play with someone else.” Kageyama says, cupping his hands around a scurrying beetle.
“I want to play with you.”
Kageyama huffs and scrunches up his face hard. “Well I don’t want to play with you.”
Hinata is quiet. “Is it because of the snails?”
Kageyama doesn’t say anything, just runs his finger along the dirt, making swirly patterns.
“How do I make up?” Hinata asks, and Kageyama glances up to him, because nobody has ever wanted to stay talking to Kageyama this long, never mind make something up to him.
Kageyama thinks long and hard. Then he says, “pee yourself.”
Hinata’s eyes widen comically, growing to become two large saucers. “What!” He cries.
“Pee yourself.” Kageyama repeats proudly. He knows Hinata won’t do it. He’s finally found a way to be left alone.
Hinata stares before his eyes narrow, and then he’s turning around and stalking off.
Kageyama smiles nastily down at the ground, pretending that it feels like satisfaction.
Hinata won’t stop catching his eye across the classroom. Kageyama frowns, because Hinata is squirming, only it’s not his usual restless movements. His legs are squeezing together, and as Kageyama watches, he lifts his bottle of water and takes a long gulp, finishing it and nodding to Kageyama.
Kageyama’s own eyes widen this time.
He’s going to do it.
Shock settles over Kageyama’s entire frame, and all he can do is stare, wide-eyed.
Hinata’s face scrunches up, his eyes squeezing shut, and Kageyama knows, without a shred of doubt, that he is watching this boy wet his pants.
There’s a shriek, and then the girl sitting beside Hinata’s desk is jumping up.
“He just peed himself!”
The whole class turn to look at Hinata, who then stands, chest puffed out, a dark patch staining his crotch.
Everyone is in uproar, laughing and screaming, but Kageyama just sits, dumbfounded, half-twisted in his seat as he gazes up at his new red-haired hero.
Hinata is scolded and told to go to the toilet, or at least put his hand up when he feels the need to pee, but Hinata just walks out brazenly, albeit a little awkward, moving his legs side-ways like a crab as he manoeuvres around the uncomfortable wetness.
Kageyama watches him go, and then he’s bouncing in his seat, shouting that he desperately needs to pee too, please please let me go, but before the teacher can even answer he’s shot out his seat and running toward the boy’s bathrooms.
Hinata is holding something up to the hand-dryers, his pants sitting loose at his hips.
Kageyama clatters into the bathroom and pants, out of breath, before he straightens and smiles, very hard and using all his teeth.
Hinata backs away into the wall, eyes wide. “Don’t hurt me!” He shouts.
Kageyama frowns. “What? I’m smiling, dumbass.”
“So rude, Yama!” Hinata says, shaking his head.
“It’s Kageyama!” Kageyama stomps his foot, because this isn’t going to plan.
But then Hinata is laughing, his face crinkling all up. “This is how you do it!” He points at his face.
Kageyama glowers, and he walks forward in three short, sharp footsteps, until he’s standing right in front of Hinata.
But Hinata doesn’t look scared, not like the other boys. He still grinning wide.
Kageyama lifts a hand and pats his head, once.
Hinata’s eyes are glowing bright and shining, shining all the way up at him.
When they get back to class, Hinata is no longer the exciting new boy, but the weirdo who wet his pants, along with the weirdo who plays with insects.
But Hinata doesn’t even seem to care, content to vibrate at Kageyama’s side as they sit and listen into the class, glancing over to the open window every few minutes.
As soon as school is finished, Hinata is dragging him along by the wrist, up a hill and through the woods, and Kageyama trails along until they’re at his house. Hinata picks up a brightly coloured ball, tossing it up before catching it easily and grinning.
“This is a volleyball.” Hinata breathes, dancing on the spot. “And you’re gonna play with me!”
And that’s how Kageyama meets the second love of his life.
*
His mom cries the first time he brings Hinata home.
She tries to stifle it with a fist, shaking her head and looking down at him, at his mud-stained clothes and his bright expression, explaining that Hinata and him are going outside.
“Of course.” She sniffs, but keeps watching them.
Hinata gives him a look.
Kageyama shrugs and pulls Hinata along.
*
Every year after the year that Kageyama confessed and Hinata took it as a prank, Hinata has made it a running joke to confess to him on April Fool’s Day.
At first, Kageyama had no clue what was going on.
“I – I have something to tell you.” Hinata was using his Sombre Voice that he only uses for talking to adults, and Kageyama pauses in taking a bite of his meat bun.
“I like you.” Hinata states.
Kageyama freezes.
“Damnit!” Hinata explodes. “I was so close!” He slaps his leg, but he’s already grinning. “Did you believe it for a second? I could see it, it was just a second.”
Kageyama shoves Hinata so hard he falls sideways into the dirt.
He pops up again, exuberant. “That a yes?”
*
“Kageyama.” Hinata begins, wearing the exact same expression as the year before, and the year before that one. “I really think I’m –”
“It doesn’t work if you do it every year.” Kageyama states, flat-lidded and deadpan, already done with today. “There’s no strategy then, it’s just predictable.”
“As predictable as … this?” Hinata whips out a water gun and skooshes him right in the face.
Kageyama tackles Hinata side-on, and they both end up rolling down the hill and getting totally soaked.
*
Hinata starts changing things up.
Next April Fools, he’s quiet the whole day, but there’s a tension in the air, an almost expectant silence.
As they’re walking home, Hinata sighs for the fourth time.
“What.” Kageyama states.
“I just.” He kicks up dirt along the way. “I wanted to tell you something, but I don’t think you’ll believe me.”
Kageyama’s pulse starts thudding. He already knows the date. Today is the date.
“Well maybe if you tried, dumbass.” His voice comes out harsh, covering for the slight shake in it.
Hinata doesn’t look at him. “It’s just, I think I’m in love with you, Kageyama.”
Kageyama doesn’t mean to stop. He doesn’t mean to hold his breath, doesn't mean for his feet to slow to a halt.
The act drops in seconds.
One minute Hinata is staring forlornly at the ground, the next he’s jumping up in a spin and pointing a finger.
“Gotcha!” He cries in glee.
Kageyama tightens his mouth. "No, you didn't."
"You totally stopped!" He cries. "You should see your face right now!"
Kageyama swallows around the uncomfortable lump in his throat. He tries to formulate a witty reply, a sharp comeback that will stop Hinata in his tracks.
"Why do you always have to confess anyway?" Is what comes out his mouth.
Hinata stops, blinking up at him. "What?"
"It's just." He clears his throat. "The element of surprise is gone now. I already know what you're gonna do, so is it really a prank?" He feels his face hot, feels the need to explain his sudden, irrational dislike of this tradition of theirs. "And plus, it's - kind of weird."
Hinata blinks, owlish. "Weird?"
"Like, to confess your best friend every year." He states.
"it's tradition!" Hinata shouts. "And you started it! Plus everyone confesses to people as a joke on April Fools, and I don't wanna be rude, but I know you'll take it as a joke."
Kageyama grits his teeth. Of course he takes it as a joke. It's just Kageyama, just silly, stupid Yama, it's just a joke.
"Right."
"Does it weird you out?" Hinata peers up at his face. "Cause I thought it was funny! You always look like you're gonna puke!" He laughs, wobbling on unsteady legs. "You fall for it every time!"
Kageyama shrugs, a quick jerk of one shoulder. "You would believe me if I told you I loved you."
"Would not." Hinata states, adamant.
"You would." Kageyama replies, fists clenching.
"Wouldn't."
Kageyama isn't sure if it's just the weather, or this particular day, or because Hinata's been pestering him for hours, but something snaps.
Something inside him just snaps, and he's reaching out, fingers stretched, and it's almost in slow-motion as he takes Hinata's wrist and drags him close.
"Hinata." Kageyama starts, voice rough with unrestrained emotion, and grips the wrist against his chest. "I love you." The words come tumbling out this time, there's no stopping them. "I've always loved you, I think about you every day, and it hurts, a lot, but I just have to live with it because I know you'll never feel the same, okay."
Hinata stares up at him, dumbstruck. "Yama -" he starts, voice hoarse.
"See." Kageyama shoves Hinata away with the hand on his wrist, and scowls. "It's easy, it's just words, but when someone says something like that, you believe it, okay?"
"I've never said anything like that." Hinata states.
Kageyama freezes.
"I never said anything like that." Hinata repeats. "Ever."
Kageyama doesn't say anything, doesn't dare speak.
He's blown it. It's over. The words that felt so freeing to say then, turn bitter and ashy in his mouth.
"Hinata -" He tries.
"It's okay." Hinata says quickly, and Kageyama frowns, because - what?
"It's okay." He says again, shaking his head. "I didn't ever say anything like that, but it's okay. I get it now. I'll stop."
Kageyama blinks. "What?"
"It's weird, it's okay." Hinata is still saying, clearly trying to end the conversation. "I thought it was funny because of your face, but when someone does it and then it's all a joke, it's not so funny anymore." He's looking off to the side, and it's the first time Kageyama has actually seen Hinata's jaw clenched.
Kageyama clears his throat, suddenly guilty. He was probably too intense. "Sorry. If that was weird." He states awkwardly.
But Hinata is swinging his head around and beaming bright. "What?" He squints. "Nah, I just didn't know."
Kageyama feels his muscles relax. "Okay." He says, and Hinata nods.
*
The next year, Hinata doesn't confess.
Kageyama pretends he's happy.
He pretends that he's not been looking forward to April Fool's Day for the past three years, pretends that he doesn't analyse Hinata's tone of voice every night afterward to see if something's changed, pretends he doesn't replay Hinata's expression as he says the words, or get up in the morning and know that he'll actually hear the words he's wanted to hear more than anything in his life.
Hinata puts itching powder in his practise clothes and skooshes him with the water gun outside the school gates but doesn't, not once, mention loving Kageyama.
*
Practise today is utterly gruelling, and not because Kageyama can't toss the ball or block a spike or is out of breath or hurts at all in any way.
It's because Hinata has on a new shirt.
It's time like these that are the worst.
Hinata's black gym clothes are plain and baggy and leave a lot to the imagination; his shorts fall down his slim hips, but because he has a t-shirt tucked into them, it makes no difference. They don't cling to his frame or reveal any patches of skin.
Until today.
Today, he's wearing a white t-shirt, that just falls short at the hips and rides up his back every time he jumps, runs, moves.
That's not the worst of it through.
Spring is only just beginning, the winter cold still lingering in the air, and through Hinata's highly visible shirt, Kageyama can see his nipples.
Perk little pink things, that brush his shirt on every leap and cause Kageyama's brain to short-circuit.
They're tiny, hard nubs, pebbled in the cold, and the sweat that drips down his spine and chest makes the fabric of his gym clothes stick to his body.
He's basically naked. He's basically practising naked.
"Oi, Kageyama!" Tanaka shouts over to him, when he starts slipping up. "Where's your head at?"
You don't want to know, he thinks desperately. He doesn't even want to know.
But he's blocking this time, and it puts him directly in line with Hinata.
Sweat trickles down Hinata's nape, disappearing into his collar, but through the thin, transparent material of his shirt, Kageyama can watch it travel down his shoulder blades, where the fabric is bunched and clinging to him.
What would his sweat taste like? Does it have a taste? Sweet and maybe a little like salt, or more fresh, more distinct? Bitter, more masculine?
Where would it have a taste? In-between his shoulders, or somewhere else? His throat, just under his jaw? Maybe somewhere more private - under his armpits? The sensitive backs of his knees? Higher up, maybe, at the junction where his leg meets his crotch?
Would Hinata make noise if Kageyama touched there? Would the noises change depending on where Kageyama kissed, depending on how he used his tongue -
"Kageya - !"
Something smacks into the side of his head, and then there's blinding, white pain that rips across his ear, before everything is fuzzy and dark.
*
Kageyama blinks and instantly scrunches up his face, wincing as he rolls away from the light.
"He's awake!" The unmistakable and unmissable sound of Hinata's voice pierces his eardrums, and Kageyama groans, shuffling until he feels something warm and solid, and buries his face there.
"Think could be a concussion -
"Ear's bleeding, is he alright? Can he move?"
"Try and get him to sit up -"
Kageyama groans louder, and shuffles against the warmth that's pressed to his forehead. He cracks an eye open, and is met with pale skin.
Hinata.
He's pressing his face into Hinata's thigh, where he's sat on the floor holding Kageyama's head.
Something warm and happy breaks open inside Kageyama's chest, and he rubs his nose into the soft skin, feeling the downy leg hairs and the way Hinata's shorts smell of the cold air and the gym, of clean dust and the rubbery smell of volleyballs.
Kageyama abruptly realises that his mouth is in the perfect position to taste Hinata's sweat.
His lips are sitting at Hinata's knee, and all he would have to do is turn his head and brush his mouth across, peek his tongue out, it won't even get noticed -
Hinata jerks as if he's been electrocuted.
"Kageyama!" He cries. "Did you just lick me?"
Kageyama groans and puts a hand over his head.
"I think he's not okay!" Hinata's shrill voice comes. "He's being weird and he's not okay!"
"Mm not bein’ weird!" Kageyama booms, and winces at the sound of his own voice.
"It's most likely a concussion." He hears Suga explaining, and then there are hands on him, lifting him up and pulling him to his feet.
Kageyama shuffles awkwardly, still scrunching his face up as pain lances across his eyelids.
"Yama, Yama-kun, look at me."
Kageyama opens his eyes with difficulty, and is met with Hinata's large, clear ones, flitting all over his face, both hands on his shoulders to steady him.
Kageyama lifts a hand and strokes Hinata's cheek. It's soft.
"He's doing it again!" Hinata cries out, instantly terrified, face ashen.
"Let's get him to the nurse." Suga starts gently, and lifts one of Kageyama's arms over his shoulders. "I'll go with you."
Hinata nods, and puts Kageyama's other arm around his little shoulder. It's bony, and thin, and Kageyama has to bend down for it to even be helpful. Kageyama laughs softly into Hinata's hair, nuzzling his scalp and breathing deep.
"So small." Kageyama murmurs. "Like a baby rabbit. What's that? A babbit?"
"Is he drunk? Why is he like this? Is it normal?" Hinata asks, turning wide eyes to Suga.
"He's just disorientated." Suga says softly at his side. "He won't be making much sense, it's better he see the nurse."
"Babbit." Kageyama laughs, before he's being set down outside the nurses office.
His head is really starting to hurt now, and the motion-sickness of flopping onto his seat has him bending over, nauseous.
"It's probably a lot more worrying because this is Kageyama, and he's never like this, but he didn't hit his head on the way down, thank goodness you were there, so it really can't be much worse than a slight concussion." Suga is murmuring, and Kageyama lifts his head to see Hinata with a thumbnail between his teeth, staring back down at him.
Kageyama holds up a hand.
Hinata blinks down at him, but Kageyama waits, shaking his offered palm, and Hinata slowly, slowly, lowers his hand from his mouth and down to Kageyama's level.
Kageyama takes Hinata's hand in his and presses it to his cheek, closing his eyes.
"Just disorientated." He hears.
Kageyama hums, content to stay in this position for the rest of his life.
*
He never hears the end of it.
"I wish concussed Yama would come out more." Hinata sighs wistfully. "You thought a bunny was called a babbit."
Kageyama grumbles, jaw clenched.
"It was so cute!" Hinata squeals, jumping on the spot.
Kageyama feels his cheeks heat, and knows that most people don't think anything of calling their friend cute, most certainly not Hinata Shōyō, but it still makes Kageyama's heart lurch.
"It was like you were." Suddenly Hinata is stopping, freezing in place, and Kageyama stops as well.
"What? Now you look like the rabbit, dumbass." He snorts at Hinata's frozen pose.
But then Hinata turns bright, shining eyes on him, the same eyes he gets when he thinks he's thought of something genius.
"No." Kageyama states instantly.
"I need to get you drunk."
This time, Kageyama really balks. "No." He states, harder.
"C'mon, Kageyama-kun!" Hinata tries desperately, already turning into a bunny with his restless bouncing. "Please, I'll get drunk with you, I've only ever seen you tipsy that one time at New Year's Eve and I don't even remember it that well!"
"Why do you care so much?" Kageyama yells.
"Just cause!" Hinata shouts, because it's not as if he needs a reason, it's not as if he feels any kind of need to explain himself, to cover up his actions. "I neeed to see it!" He squeals, and Kageyama knows that when Hinata goes super-sonic like this he doesn't let up until he's got what he wants.
"When?" He sighs with heavy resignation.
The light that sparks in Hinata's eyes is almost worth it. Almost.
*
"Did you steal this?" Kageyama furrows his brow down at the bottle of vodka Hinata has managed to procure.
Hinata holds a finger to his lips, snickering. "Shh, they'll hear."
They decided to get drunk on a Friday night with popcorn and a scary movie at Hinata’s house, because it seemed like a brilliant plan in the beginning, but now Kageyama is looking down at the bottle of clear liquid in distrust.
"We drink this?"
"No, bakageyama!" Hinata laughs. "You add it to a drink! Like lemonade!"
Kageyama huffs. "I know that." He says, even though he didn't.
Hinata just grins at him, that strange lightness in his eyes he gets sometimes when looking at Kageyama, the same fond glow someone would get looking at their younger brother.
Kageyama grits his teeth, uncaps the bottle, and takes a swig.
It burns, and has no taste other than pain, but pain is Kageyama's natural expression, and so he swallows it in one and sets it down again.
Hinata is staring, wide-eyed. "Let me try!"
Hinata, obviously, is the exact opposite to him.
He spits it out and coughs until his eyes are watering and his breaths are wheezing. Kageyama has to rub his back and help him through the experience.
"How long until we're drunk, do you think?" Hinata asks, settling the popcorn between them.
Kageyama purses his mouth, glancing down at his watch. "Not long." He decides.
*
As it turns out, they did it wrong.
An hour later, they're feeling no affect other than drooping eyelids, and one minute Hinata is leaning back on the headrest, legs folded neatly inside his own general space-bubble, and the next, a heavy head is falling onto Kageyama's shoulder, a snore already crackling its way out Hinata's mouth.
Kageyama twists his head to look down at Hinata.
His mouth is parted, expression soft and relaxed, all the sharp angles of his usually bright, eager little features smoothed out, making his jaw seem longer, the slope of his nose seem more elegant.
Kageyama smiles, and, as slow as humanly possible, lifts a hand to brush back a strand of red hair falling over Hinata's eyebrow with the tips of his fingers.
Hinata twitches, but remains otherwise unconscious.
Kageyama reaches down and pulls the blanket up over Hinata's legs, gently extracting the popcorn bowl from between them and setting it away. Then he shuffles down, getting comfortable, and turns his nose into Hinata's hair.
"April Fools, dumbass." He murmurs into the skin of Hinata's forehead.