Work Text:
Taako counts each time his spoon stirs the batter of whatever he's creating, too spaced out to even remember what it even was that he started. Each pass pushes hard against the glass bowl walls, as if he could push his anger through with his spoon, as if the harder he pushes the more his problems would just vanish. By the time that he's done he feels like each stir could match up to the mistakes he made today. The feeling is only elevated when he tastes the batter and realizes that he used whole cups of salt instead of sugar.
Beyond frustrated, his hand moves before he can think better. He slams the batter into the garbage can, bowl and all, with a strained, "Fuck!!" as the glass shatters. A moment too late he realizes that that was his favorite bowl, and he broke it, why did he do that-
The door just about slams open, and there's Magnus, in all of his concerned glory. "Taako, are you okay? I heard glass breaking-"
Taako quickly turns away from him and waves his hand around dismissively. "N- it's fine! Just a bowl!" He tries his best to act casual, but his voice more than gives him away. He can't bring himself to look at Magnus as he walks over and examines the mess Taako made.
"That uh, that was your favorite bowl, wasn't it?" Magnus says carefully. Taako's shoulders tighten and he looks away. He stares everywhere but at Magnus, trying to find something to busy himself with. He can't let him see him like this. He can't let him see him so broken over something so small. His eyes fall on the pile of dirty dishes and he forces himself to move to the sink, picking up a plate.
"Not anymore" he says, still trying and failing to sound uncaring.
"Taako, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Taako's arm jerks and the plate slips from his grasp, sending it tumbling to the floor. He nearly looses it, gripping the counter so hard his knuckles turn white. He hears Magnus say something but it takes him a full minute to process what he said, and it's just his name, voice full of concern. Taako opens his mouth with another dismissive reply at his tongue but instead what comes out is a strangled sob. Horrified, he slaps his hand over his mouth. Magnus is silent and it just sends his anxiety further up his throat, threatening to push out past his shaking hand.
Before he can come up with an excuse he feels Magnus's hands on his shoulders, tugging him away from the sink. Taako finds himself moving willingly wherever Magnus guides him, which ends with him sitting down on the edge of his worn down mattress. The weight of Magnus's hands is suddenly gone and he's left hunched over there, hand still covering his mouth.
He can distinctly hear the sound of ceramic clinking together and the faucet turning on but he's too far away to know what it means. He slowly brings his hand down to stare at it. It doesn't feel like it's his own; there's no way he could have so perfectly applied the lavender that glosses his nails, no way that the skin is so soft and still his. He turns his hands over to stare blankly at the even softer underside, trying to connect that the finger prints there are his own.
His view of his palms is obscured when something warm is pressed into his hands. It takes him too long to realize that it's a blue mug, and that inside is fresh hot chocolate, because he doesn't like coffee. It makes him too jittery and it churns his stomach, though Magnus can down whole pots at a time. He keeps telling himself little facts about himself and Magnus, like how his favorite color is a purple pink, and how he loves Magnus and he knows that he's never going to be loved back. He focuses on the warmth of the cup and the glossy texture of the outer walls until he comes back to himself, slowly. He realizes that Magnus is sitting just behind him, hand on his back, rubbing in slow circles. Taako is sure that he's watching him intently for a reaction so he lets out a shuddery sigh and brings the cup up to his lips to drink.
It's almost scalding going down but it feels so good, warmth seeping down his throat and into his stomach. It brings just en ough life into him to feel ashamed for his actions but he says nothing, lowering the cup back down. He wonders what his friend must think of him.
Magnus is the first to break the silence, rushing in as usual. "What's up, man?" Taako doesn't understand how he can sound so non judgmental.
He instinctively formulates an excuse but he forces it back down his throat. He knows Magnus hates when he tries to hide his problems; they've had so many arguments about it that end in more tears than either of them want to admit. His friend is here to help so the least Taako can do is tell the truth.
He builds up another, more honest response but when he opens his mouth what comes out instead is a broken, "I keep fucking up."
Magnus shifts behind him until both legs are on either side him, large hands settling on his shoulders. "Is this about today's show?" He says quietly, beginning to knead at the knots in his back.
God, today's show. It makes him sick just thinking about it, how he made such a fool out of himself in front of so many people. The vast majority of the show had gone fine. He prepared the dish, made jokes that people laughed at, unnecessarily transmuted ingredients into other ingredients. But when he opened the oven to pull out the casserole he had already cooked in preparation, he found out that he never turned the oven off. The entire thing was ruined, completely burned through.
"I...." He takes another drink of his hot chocolate to stall, to try to think of a reply that won't sound broken. "It was such a stupid mistake"
Magnus hums in understanding. "It was still just a mistake"
"But I keep making so many."
"That happens sometimes"
"Magnus I used salt instead of sugar."
"Well you were distracted and they look an awful lot alike"
"But I'm a cook I should have known."
"You're allowed to make mistakes, Taako. Regardless of what you are." Magnus sighs behind him, hands moving up further to rub firm circles into shoulders. "Besides, what matters isn't your mistakes, but what you do to fix them. And you fixed the show! Plenty of people were patient enough to just wait for the other casserole to cook."
"But they shouldn't have had to." Taako says quietly, frowning down at his reflection in the mug.
"There are plenty of things people shouldn't have to do, but they did to make the best of a tricky situation" Magnus shrugs "that's just how it is, you know. Even if something bad and terrible happens, life still goes on, people still recover and grow and move on. Whatever happens, happens, and you do whatever you can to fix something if it's broken." Taako sighs, but Magnus's words bring at least a little bit of comfort. "And besides, I hardly doubt anyone was like, judging you for messing up. I bet a lot of people were actually relieved to see that their idol makes mistakes too. Taako knows Magnus is just feeding his ego at this point. He knows, and he's absolutely loving it.
"Hmm...I suppose" he muses, a small smile creeping on his face. He hides it by draining the rest of his hot chocolate. Magnus graciously takes his empty cup and gets up to take care of it, but Taako can't help but be disappointed. When Magnus ends contact that's pretty much it for the next week. He's so careful about the affection he shares, terrified of another relationship even years after his wife's death.
To his shock, Magnus settles back behind him, hands kneading into his shoulders again. His thumbs dig into a particularly sore spot and taako sighs, eyes slipping shut. He shudders when Magnus lowers his hands down to his back. They're both so uncharacteristically silent, both so worried of scaring the other away. Taako wonders what Magnus is thinking. He wonders if he wants this too, and if he's just too afraid to have it.
The silence is broken by Magnus. "Hey, as long as we're talking about fixable mistakes..."
"...yes?" Taako says cautiously.
"I..." Magnus pulls away and Taako's heart drops, assuming that the 'mistake' was all the sudden affection Magnus was showing. He feels suddenly betrayed.
"Listen I get-" He starts to say, but he cuts himself off when Magnus sits down from across from him and shyly takes one of his hands. He looks unbearably nervous. Taako takes pity on him and his shaking hands, so he brings his other one up to return the gesture, squeezing gently. "Okay, okay. I'm listening."
It takes Magnus a moment to speak, like he's uncharacteristically thinking about what he says before he says it. "I....I'm sorry. For being so...distant. And sending mixed signals." He swallows and takes in a deep breath. "And I think that you like me?" Taako stiffens, and it takes all of his self control not to just run away now, before something horrible happens. "...And I knew that, and I took advantage of that without any promise of commitment." He wants to tell Magnus that it's okay. That he'll take what he can get even if it hurts. "I've just been...I've been so scared to...to love anyone again. Since Julia..." Magnus takes in another deep breath. "But I'm willing to make that commitment now, if you want it."
For the first time, Taako rushes in. He tugs on Magnus's hands until he can grab his shoulder and pull him into an awkward hug, laughing. "Stupid- you're so stupid. Of course I want it. Do you have any idea how long I've wanted it?" He feels Magnus shift into a more comfortable position and laugh too, returning the hug in a less awkward way.
"I mean, I thought so, but it's always good to ask." Magnus lets go of him, hands sliding from his back to his shoulders. "I have another thing to ask"
Taako thinks he knows what it is. It makes his heart skip a beat. "And what's that?"
"Can I kiss you?"
"It's about fuckin time."
Magnus laughs again before taking a moment to collect himself. He leans in but he's so hesitant, still so scared, so Taako closes the gap for him. He's not surprised to find out that Magnus is a very good kisser, and that he probably needs to invest into some chapstick. But then the rough feeling quickly becomes his favorite, his chapped lips, the callouses on his fingers, his scratchy beard. It makes Taako feel more alive, more here.
They pull away after a moment and look at eachother, and all of a sudden they're kissing again, and again. Magnus kisses him like he's starving for it, pulling him closer by his waist. Taako can hardly keep up but he loves it, clutching at the front of Magnus's shirt. They only pull away to gasp for breath before they're on each other again, pulling the other as close as they can. They kiss like that for what feels like hours. Somehow Magnus has ended up on his back, Taako leaning over him, and he's more or less applying his full weight with only one hand keeping him up. Their hunger gradually starts slowing down until they're just kissing lazily, chests pressed against each other. Magnus gently nudges Taako over until they're both on their sides, legs tangled together, tracing his fingertips along the curve of his spine. He's stopped kissing him and is just looking at him now, in awe, and in terror. Taako brings a hand up to cup his face.
"You okay big guy?"
"Yeah."
"Need a break?"
"...Yeah"
He lets Magnus pull away from him and roll onto his back, hand on his stomach.
"...Man, I didn't even take you on a date before I kissed you."
Taako laughs at the statement. "Well, there's still time." Magnus turns towards him and laughs too, but he still looks worried. Taako takes a risk and reaches out to grab his hand.
"Hey bud, don't look so sad. I know you're worried but I'm not going anywhere anytime soon...and remember what you said? About how even if things go bad they can still be fixed?" Magnus nods. "Well, even if something bad happens- which it won't- it's not the end of the world." He squeezes Magnus's hand. "Whatever happens, happens."
Magnus smiles and squeezes his hand back.
"Whatever happens, happens."