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Mornings in the Tomlinson household were always hectic. Being parents of three kids made every morning an event, and today was no different. Harry and Louis had three children – Nathan, age two; Lily, short for Lillian, age seven; and their eldest, Bella, age 17. Harry and Louis loved their kids with all they had; even at seven in the morning when Lily was running around the house half naked, Bella was still in the shower, and Nathan, who still hadn’t finished his bottle. Louis was a surgeon, and he had a surgery at twelve that day, so he could afford to go in late, but their kids were constantly late to school, and he knew Harry would go livid if he received another phone call from Bella’s high school that she had rushed in ten minutes after the first bell, again.
Louis was cradling Nathan with one arm, warming up the bottle in the microwave with the other. “Lily, darling, let’s get your dress and shoes on so we can bring you to school, alright? I know you love being naked; but there’s no time for that right now,” Louis chuckled, sticking his tongue out at the girl who was frowning at the dress Louis pointed at, laid out on the sofa. She shuffled into her bedroom with a towel wrapped around her body, pouting all the way there. Harry was upstairs, humming quietly as he searched for his toothbrush.
“Oh!” a voice squeaked, and Harry jumped a foot into the air. Bella was frantically wrapping her own towel around her body, jumping up off of the closed toilet seat. She shoved something into the bathtub. Harry frowned with worry, his hand over his heart in surprise.
“Oh, lovely, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in here. I was looking for my toothbrush,” Harry said slowly, eyeing his shaking daughter carefully. Bella looked terrified, and Harry’s heart ached a little. She struggled with anxiety and depression for two years now, and Harry and Louis both made sure she knew she could talk to them about anything in the world, because they cared about her so deeply. The last thing Harry wanted was for his baby girl to feel alone. He knew she needed her privacy; as she was growing and changing; but it still hurt him a little that she tended to shy away when he tried to look after her.
“It’s fine, Dad, can you just…can you leave, please, I need to get dressed,” Bella said, looking near tears. Harry frowned, leaning in to kiss her forehead, her eyes the spitting image of his own.
“Of course, Bell. I’m sorry I barged in like that,” Harry said quietly, wondering why she felt uncomfortable to get dressed in the privacy of her own bedroom; but rather in the upstairs bathroom that everyone shared. “Make sure you take your meds, okay princess?”
Bella closed her eyes tightly, nodding her head. She allowed her father kiss her forehead again, wanting nothing more than to be five years old again and have her dad and papa hold her like they used to. She was too old now. “I promise, Daddy.”
“Okay, baby girl. Have a good day at school, okay? Drive safe.” Harry winked, shutting the door behind him, leaving Bella to crumple behind the doorway. Harry breathed in and out slowly, squeezing his toothbrush in his hand as he went downstairs. Louis was strapping Nathan into his carrier, looking up at Harry who looked near tears as Ella just was.
“S’wrong, my love?” Louis asked his husband of eighteen years, standing up from the floor to wrap Harry into his arms. Harry sniffled, shrugging.
“Bell’s just growing up, s’all. It makes me upset,” Harry said weakly, and Louis cooed, kissing his lips softly.
“You know how much she loves us, pet. She’ll always be our little girl, whether she wants to or not, yeah?” Louis squeezed Harry’s hip, Harry’s answering smile watery and sad.
“What if she’s getting bad again, Lou?” he whispered, squeezing his eyes open and shut. “I can’t have her in hospital again–”
“Baby, please don’t get stressed like that,” Louis said, cradling Harry’s face in his two hands. “Please, please don’t. I don’t want you to ever worry like that. I’ll talk to her when she gets out of the bathroom, okay? Or we’ll talk to her tonight, together. She has a therapy appointment in a few days; maybe we can go in with her. She’s also a teenager; baby. She’s going through friend problems and girl stuff and things we’ll never be able to understand, even if we look up everything we can about high school.” That got a smile out of Harry, and Louis kissed his forehead again, his lips gentle and soft. “I don’t want you driving while you’re upset, flower petal,” Louis continued, his eyes sad and matching Harry’s worried expression. Harry pressed their foreheads together, remembering that night two years ago where he had to drive Bella to the hospital after she’d tried to kill herself, while Louis was in a surgery and had no idea what was going on. He never, ever, wanted to go through that sort of pain again.
“Okay,” Harry sighed. He set down his stupid toothbrush, grabbing his keys. “I’m headed out to work. D’you want me to bring Nathan to daycare?” He squatted down to kiss his baby, who was already falling asleep. Harry giggled, opening his arms for the squealing body that tumbled into his own, pressing kisses all over Lily’s tiny face.
“S’fine, baby. I can do it. I’m bringing Lil in anyway,” Louis promised, squeezing Harry’s fingers. Harry smiled, but with a heavy feeling in his heart. He got into his car, sending Bella a text – she still hadn’t left yet; she was definitely going to be late.
Love you always. You know me and Pa are always here, if you need anything at all. Have a good day baby girl xx Daddy.
Harry’s phone buzzed a few hours later on his lunch break, a text from Bella. He was expecting her to ask to stay over a friend’s house, or if she could go out to dinner after soccer practice. Confused, he thumbed through her message.
Can we talk when we get home? I’m not going to soccer today. Nothing bad, I promise.
He replied quickly, saying Of course, baby. I’ll see you at home.
He wondered if he should tell Louis, but chewed on his lip instead. Maybe Bella just wanted to talk to him. With an uneasy feeling in his gut, he continued typing on his computer.
Later that day
“Daddy?”
Harry looked up from where he was cooking supper – chicken stir fry – looking at the time. The house was quiet for once – Louis was picking Lily up from ballet in an hour after his shift, and then Nathan from preschool, giving Harry the day off from kid-duty. Bella came into the kitchen, tears in her eyes and her lips red and raw from biting them.
“Love, are you alright?” Harry asked, crossing the room, paternal instincts kicking in. “What happened? Is it the girls at school? Do you need me or Papa to speak to someone? Because I –”
“I’m scared to tell you,” she said, squeezing her fingers together and wringing her hands. “I’m scared how you’ll react.”
Harry furrowed his brow, nodding toward the couch so they could sit. He took both of her hands in his, squeezing them gently, thankful that nobody else was home right now, so all of his attention could be on his daughter. He knew he must look like a worried wreck, but he didn’t even care. His daughter was everything to him, and he needed to make sure she was okay. “You don’t ever have to be scared to talk to me, pet. I’m your Dad; I just want you to be safe and healthy and happy. I love you so much.” His heart pounded in fear, his little girl’s small hands shaking in his bigger ones. Bella took a deep breath, and so did Harry. He watched her stare at their fingers, then at the clock, then at the blank TV. They were silent for a few minutes, but Harry waited patiently for her to speak.
“Daddy, I’m transgender.”
If Harry hadn’t been listening hard enough, he might not have heard her. He blinked a few times, taking in Bella’s short haircut that made her look like a pixie, her bright eyes rimmed by soft makeup, her fair skin and white teeth. Harry inhaled and exhaled slowly, his eyes widening, his expression gentle and kind. He took in the information slowly, carefully, her words washing over him like cool water on a hot day. He waited for her to continue, wanting her to get it all out.
“I’m a boy, Dad,” Bella whispered. “I…I’ve been a boy for a long time, and I…I only felt comfortable saying it now. I’m a boy. I’m a boy,” she – he – said clearer this time, like he’d been waiting to say it for a long time. Harry pulled Bella into his arms, holding his child against his chest. Bella was crying into his t-shirt, fat hot tears spilling out everywhere.
“My love,” Harry sighed. “I love you so much. It’s okay, I promise. I’m so glad you told me. It’s perfectly okay, Bel – sweetie. I promise you’re okay. You can breathe, baby. Breathe in,” Harry instructed; for she – sorry, he – was inhaling and exhaling rapidly, their heartbeat too fast for Harry to keep up with. “Breathe, my baby, breathe. You’re safe. I love you so much, please breathe.” His heart wrenched, his own breathing hard. He remembered himself coming out to his own parents, he remembered how embarrassed he was, how scared he felt that his parents didn’t love him anymore, didn’t want him now that they knew he liked men. He couldn’t imagine the pain his baby was in. “Sweetie, breathe, it’s alright. I need you to breathe for me. I love you, I love you. Thank you for telling me. I love you.”
Bella sniffed, his nose against his neck. Harry squeezed his tiny body into his arms. “I love you too,” Bella whispered, his voice shaking. Harry squeezed his eyes shut tightly, holding Bella tighter into his chest.
Bella pulled away for a moment, his eyes rimmed with tears, skin flushed. “C-can you call me Tyler? I mean, just for, just until I think of a, a better…I don’t want to be called Bella anymore, I’m sorry,” he whimpered. Harry kissed his forehead, shaking his head quickly.
“Tyler is great. Tyler is amazing,” Harry promised, a smile mirroring his son’s. “And if Tyler wants to be called something else next week, that’s amazing, too. If Tyler wants to shave his head or grow out his hair, that’s fine too. Tyler will always be my baby, no matter what I call them. I want you to feel safe and I want you to feel comfortable in your own skin, okay? No matter what happens; or who you are, or who you identify as. You know me and your Papa are gay; you know how supportive we are of the gay community. Why on Earth would we ever deny our child the right to be who they are?”
Tyler nodded his head, still shaking quickly. Harry rubbed his arms over Tyler’s skinny forearms, kissing his tears off of his cheekbones. “You’ll always be my angel,” Harry whispered, “whether you want to be or not.”
Tyler giggled, pulling away a little, but Harry tickled his sides. Tyler sniffed again, shaking his head slowly. “Thanks for being so cool with this, Dad. I…I didn’t know what your reaction would be.” His bottom lip trembled, and Harry felt his body grow warm with love for his son. “It’s really hard,” Tyler cried, strangled sobs appearing from his lips, “it’s s-so hard every day, Daddy, I've b-been wearing binders; that's what I was hiding in the bathroom, but they're so uncomfortable and I was always so sad being a girl and I knew I wanted to be a boy, and it hurt so bad because I thought it was wrong, Dad, a-and I know you and Pa worry about me and I’m just so sorry –”
“Oh, come here,” Harry gasped, opening his arms for Tyler to crawl into his chest. Harry closed his arms around his boy, tightening his hold. He never wanted to let go of his son, never wanted to hear him say he was sad again. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry I never knew. I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” Harry sighed, rocking his child in his arms. “I never ever want any of my kids to feel uncomfortable in their own skin. I’m so sorry, baby. Please know how much I love you.”
Tyler sobbed harder, but he nodded his head, and Harry knew his words came through. “I know, Dad. I love you, too.”
Harry held Tyler in his arms until his crying ceased, ignoring the food growing cold on top of the stove. Harry hummed a random tune as he heard the door open and shut, Louis reminding Lily to put her school things away nicely and throw out any scraps from her lunchbox. Louis stopped short in the threshold of the living room, his expression as worried as Harry’s was upon seeing his husband and eldest child curled up together, both of them teary-eyed. Louis set Nathan down in his playpen, crouching down so that he was eye-level with the two of them. Louis brushed Harry’s hair off of his face with one hand, his other hand cradled around Tyler’s face. Tyler looked simply terrified, and Harry squeezed his hips gently. “This is Tyler, Louis. He has some things he wants to say to you,” Harry said softly. Tyler breathed in and out, reaching out for his other father. Louis held Tyler like Harry held him, his strong body fully encompassing his son. Louis listened to Tyler relay the same thing, and he shook his head slowly once he started apologizing, just as Tyler had.
“M’so fucking proud of you, my son,” Louis said, and the two men could visibly see Tyler relaxing. “Let’s go out this weekend and get you some new clothes, yeah? Maybe stuff for your room, too? We can go out to lunch after; wherever you want. Somewhere in the city. Then you and I can do a one-on-one footie match; see if you can still beat your old man.”
Harry watched Tyler roll his eyes, mumbling that he could very much still kick Louis’ ass. That was what Harry loved about Louis – he kept straight and to the point, but still managed to be the most loving and caring person in the world. Louis kissed Tyler’s forehead, the two men holding their son in their arms. Lily scrambled into the room, then, piling on top of the three of them, and Harry stood up to get Nathan, then, their family holding onto each other tightly, as they always did.
That night, Harry laid in bed for a long time with Tyler. They talked about life, and Harry talked about who he was when he pretended to be straight for a while, before he came out. Tyler told him he finally felt happy, and didn’t have much of an ache in his chest like he used to. Louis came in then shortly after, after putting the two young children to bed, and they both kissed their son goodnight for the first time. It was the first night of Tyler’s life, and he was ready to start living again.