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"You're gonna shower already, hyung?" Hoseok asks as Seokjin comes in their room with a towel on his shoulder.
Seokjin gives him a short grunt, not really giving mind to conversation as he saw that Hoseok was focused on the mobile game he's playing. The 95s were at the top bunk, busy playing something for two, not even glancing his way. It was normal, so he payed no mind and just entered the bathroom.
Seokjin was fine. He really was feeling fine, but not until he hanged his towel. He doesn't know what entered his system that all of a sudden, there was anxiety and insecurity enveloping his thoughts.
Visual for today .
Visual. He repeats it in his head.
Earlier at the event, Hoseok gave him a sign that has those words written on it. Sure, he was confident of his face and loves to be called handsome, but these days? He even hates seeing his own image.
V could've just been the visual .
Seokjin was never an insecure man, but the hate and hurtful criticism he sees and hears from the fans and society makes him a bit like it. He has eyes too, and he knows Taehyung really looks good, maybe even better than him.
Seokjin walks closer to the sink so he can grab the sides, steadying himself, then he slowly raised his eyes to the mirror in front of him.
He's the said 'Face Of The Group' and he can't even give it justice .
Those kind of comments, it's amusing. Have they even searched 'car door guy' on google? Seokjin laughs at the thought, but he notices that his laugh didn't make his eyes wrinkle.
He drops the facade, he drops the faking. Then he was just looking straight into his own pair of eyes and it looked dead. Even when he laughed earlier, those dark brown eyes was only dead .
Skill's acting? Seriously, not even good at it .
He's still not an actor. Seokjin knows that himself. He catches himself in the middle of his own acting slash pretending, and he hates himself for it, especially when someone notices it.
He's the actor of the group, but once again, V already has a drama and he's still probably begging to be an extra .
His right eyes twitches. That was real. Too real that his heart clenches.
The OST was sang by V featuring Jin .
' Wasn't that supposed to be our duet ?' He thinks to himself as he saw some fan posts about it. He was quite offended.
So untalented .
Seokjin gets a deep breath, wanting to calm down the erratic beating building up inside his chest.
Baggage .
Seokjin closes his eyes. Maybe that way, he can block it all out. So he could stop seeing his reflection, do he could pretend he's not existing or that the world doesn't exist; to act like he's just in the dark of nothingness, alone.
Useless .
And yet the opposite happened. The voices got clearer instead.
Unnecessary .
His grip tightens at the edge of the sink.
They should drop him, or maybe make him quit .
He opens his eyes, faces reality, and looks at the reflected image in front of him again.
He's unneeded in BTS .
He scans the mirror, a look of disgust on his own features.
"Unneeded." He says out loud.
Unneeded . The voices confirm him.
Then there was a sound of glass shattering and falling on the floor, which also surprised Seokjin.
Wha - what ?
His fist was connected to the mirror, his reflection was a broken image.
Shit .
"Hyung?" Hoseok's voice rang from the outside.
"Hyung, what happened? Is that glass I heard?" Seokjin can hear the worry in his voice and he hates worrying other people.
Fuck .
Seokjin removed his fist from the mirror and gulped. He's not sure if he can speak, so he cleared his throat.
"Hobi," He started, shaky, "I'm - I'm okay. Don't worry about it-- ah!" He thought he was okay so he tried to flex his fingers, but a stinging pain in his hand informed him he isn't.
"Hyung? Are you hurt?" Hoseok pushed, his tone getting more stern.
Seokjin took his time to look at his surroundings and process it. Everything happened too fast earlier that he wasn't sure himself what actually occurred.
His legs felt numb as he stood still. The mirror hanging on the wall was cracked. The floor has bits of glass on it. His fist was aching.
Blood. Glass shards. Wounds.
What have I done? Fuck, fuck, fu --
"Hyung?" Hoseok checks the door knob and sees it wasn't locked, "Hyung, I'm going in."
"No, no, n-- Hobi, I'm fi--" Hoseok comes in, stopping Seokjin from muttering his excuses. Hoseok gazes at the floor and up to Seokjin's nervous eyes.
Seokjin shrugged and raised his arms, playing it cool, "Oh, wow. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break your mirr--"
"Hyung, what happened?" Hoseok was trying to be calm, but when he looks at Seokjin's fist, his eyes widens.
"Hobi, I'm ok--"
"Oh, god. Hyung, you're fucking hurt!"
That made the other two men in the room come at the door frame. Taehyung's face paled at the sight of Seokjin's wound and Jimin looked like his mind was fleeting at the blood on the floor. Jimin whispered in worry as he stare at Seokjin's face, "Jin hyung?"
"Guys, I'm fine. Sto--"
"Hyung, don't move." Hoseok demanded with a stern face, a hand up to warn Seokjin. He was confused, was Hoseok that disgusted of blood or himself that he doesn't want him closer?
Hoseok's face turned soft, he must've noticed Seokjin's confusion so he added, "I don't want you to step on the glass shards and get yourself hurt even more. Please stay in your place, hyung. Please ."
Seokjin's breathing almost calmed down but when he heard Jimin tell Taehyung to call Namjoon, he panicked again.
"No, Taehyung. Stay, don't even tell Namjoo--" But Taehyung was already out of the room, shouting for the others.
"Hobi," Seokjin stared straight at Hoseok's eyes, asking for help, but Hoseok only shook his head a bit and went closer to Seokjin. He was wearing slippers to protect his feet from the glass. He also gave slippers to Seokjin, the one Jimin was wearing earlier.
He wrapped a firm arm on Seokjin's waist and Seokjin instantly placed his on Hoseok's shoulders, "Hyung, let me help you."
They put on the slippers together and Hoseok stayed supporting Seokjin's weight. The taller man wasn't sure why but suddenly, he was dizzy, his world was spinning and he couldn't breathe properly. Must be the adrenaline and panic from earlier. So he was thankful that Hoseok was there beside him, anchoring him in place.
Seokjin looked at Hoseok and realized that the arm hanging on Hoseok's shoulders was the one with the injured hand. He immediately pushed Hoseok away to say, "Hoseok, your shirt will get ruined--"
"Hyung," Hoseok cut him off and stayed close, and even closer as Seokjin still tried to step away, "You're more important than a goddamn shirt."
Hoseok sounded mad. Seokjin doesn't even know why he is, but he felt Hoseok's anger. Seokjin felt guilty, he never meant any of this to happen. He bites the inside of his lower lip and leans onto Hoseok a bit more comfortably. Hoseok notices so he looks up at him and gives him a small smile; a smile that said thanks. Seokjin sure is confused.
They got out of the bathroom and he looked back, seeing the mess he's done. He gulps at his impulse.
I need to clean all that up .
His vision blurs as he scan every droplet of blood on the white tiles, worrying about how it would stain if he doesn't wipe it soon enough before it dries.
Those glass shards are dangerous, I need to pick it up before these stupid dongsaengs get hurt .
His fingertips twitches and itches to pick them up, but the arm on his waist tightens and his head feels light. He can't escape or get away from this embrace. That means he can't clean up.
The thought of stains and glass and leaving the mess on it's own is making his brain ache and pump painfully inside his skull. He sees the floor again and realizes blood's trailing on his and Hoseok's way too. He looks at Hoseok again and sees a bit of skin covered in blood and the goddamn white shirt soaking in blood at some parts.
He wants to take the shirt off of Hoseok and wipe the blood away from his skin immediately because it's disgusting and it's not fine to have blood on your own skin. Seokjin trips on his feet and curses his self for being unstable.
Namjoon enters the room with a phone in his hand, Yoongi not so far behind.
Namjoon curses the moment he sees Seokjin and says, "Hyung, I'm calling manager-hyung."
Seokjin froze again, Hoseok's hand gripping his waist as to stop him from slipping away - physically and mentally.
"Namjoon. No, it's okay. I'm fi--"
"You're not ." Yoongi interferes as he steps closer to Namjoon's side and looking dead straight at Seokjin's face.
"Namjoon, go ahead and call him." Yoongi spoke in a cold tone, his gaze not leaving Seokjin's face.
"But I'm okay!" Seokjin raises a hand to Yoongi as to emphasize his next point, "You can patch me up easily."
Yoongi's face looked frozen and sad and confused.
I can't . Yoongi seems to say. I can't patch you up just that easily .
"Seokjin hyung," Yoongi says soflty and goes closer to the two, helping Hoseok on carrying Seokjin and placing him on the bed, "You'll be fine. Just let our manager take care of it."
Namjoon gets out of the room and talks, Yoongi looks at the door closing and he walks out too. He didn't even look back at Seokjin. He couldn't, most probably. He couldn't bear seeing the eldest so broken and so out of it. His heart breaks at the sight of it. He can't accept that one of his emotional pillars was also fucking broken like he, himself. Have he leaned onto that pillar too much that it too, broke? Or was it broken even before that, and he never noticed?
Jungkook suddenly bumped into Yoongi and Jungkook shook him, asking for Seokjin's situation. Yoongi shook his head so Jungkook let him go and went inside the room instead.
Jungkook was dumbfounded at the sight of blood on the bedroom floor. He searched for the source and saw Hoseok's shirt that had blood at some parts. He then searched for wounds on Seokjin's body and saw his fist.
Seokjin could feel Jungkook's stare on him, it made him uneasy. He never saw the maknae worried and he never wanted the maknae to worry about anything. He never wanted anyone in Bangtan to worry about any goddamn thing. He always made sure they'd have the emotional support they need when they do worry about something, or the help to keep the stress away. So why the fuck was Jimin shaking inside Taehyung's arms as they rock back and forth? Why is Jungkook not coming inside the room to talk to him? Why is Namjoon and Yoongi speaking in hushed, low voices outside the room and sounding so unsure? And why is Jung Hoseok tearing up beside him as he holds Seokjin's uninjured hand tight as if he'd be gone if he didn't?
What has he done ?
It's all too much for him to understand his own thoughts, it's all too heavy for his wretched heart and tired head to even keep his eyes open.
He hears Hoseok hiccup beside him and he wanted to hug him and comfort him and draw circles on his back but he can't. His body won't let him move that much. Seokjin forced his eyes to open and for his arm to move. His hand fortunately connected to Hoseok's cheek and a smile appearing on his face as the younger looks back at him.
He hates seeing Hoseok cry, he was supposed to be brighter that the fucking sun. He should stay bright and glowing, so Seokjin let go of Hoseok's hand to wipe his tears away and to hold his face.
"Hoseokie," He whispered, "Don't cry."
It seemed to have the opposite effect as Hoseok hiccuped again. Seokjin chuckled, "Hobi, I'm not dead or dying."
Yet .
"Yet." Hoseok whispers back so softly that Seokjin almost didn't hear. Seokjin's eyes widened, carefully trying to pick the right words to say.
"No. Never." Seokjin said and moved his hand towards Hoseok's hair, brushing his crooked fingers through the other man's soft hair. It calms Hoseok down and he sighs with his eyes closed.
Hoseok kept his eyes shut as he asks weakly, "Why, then?"
He grabs Seokjin's hand on his hair and brings his face closer to it, telling himself that Seokjin's still there. That Seokjin's still real. That Seokjin hasn't left.
"Seokjin hyung..." Hoseok chokes on the syllables as he tries so hard not to sob, "Why?"
Seokjin's hand was already lose on Hoseok's locks, his eyes on a relaxed state, breathing evening out, consciousness of the world slowly fading away into a temporary sleep. He stayed silent and Hoseok only gripped Seokjin's hand tighter. His question could wait. It's even okay if Seokjin would never have to answer it.
Hoseok pushed the train of why's inside his head and opens his eyes to stare at the peaceful expression on Seokjin's face. He kisses the inside of Seokjin's hand, near the pulse and the start of the palm, before taking it in both hands and kissing the knuckles too.
The glass shards on Seokjin's hand might be gone and treated for it to feel better but the ones in Seokjin's heart and mind can't just be treated that way. Hoseok would pay anything just to know how to make it go away.
"I hope you're okay, hyung." He says and he sounded like he was praying. Maybe he was, maybe he's really praying for Seokjin to be fine physically and emotionally. Seokjin heard him, even if he was already half asleep. He let his hand twitch and connect to Hoseok's scalp once more and he hears Hoseok breathe out, "Please be okay."
There was something warm and wet on Seokjin's fingers and he realizes Hoseok was crying again. What made Seokjin finally give in to sleep fully was Hoseok's voice. Sincerely and softly saying words of comfort.
I love you, hyung .
You're okay. You'll be okay .
Everything will be okay .