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“With a heavy heart, I regret to inform everyone that as of today, I will indefinitely resign from soccer. It was has been an amazing and blessed ride and I am beyond thankful. Due to recent events and another leg injury, it is in my best interest that I take time off; time that I will use to get healthier and indulge in much needed rest and relaxation. An extreme thank you to US Soccer, my agent, my family, my friends, the fans, and most importantly GOD for everything and blessing me with the life I have been leading. This is not good bye, this see you later. Thank you.”
That’s really it. Now she is gone for good. Sure it was the most awkward 2 years of soccer, but at least she was still around even if she only spoke to me professionally. Now it really is all over.
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Step, step, step, shoot, SWOOSH!
Step, step, step, shoot, SWOOSH!
Step, step, step, shoot, BAM! Blocked.
“Damn Alex, pretty soon these soccer balls are gonna either break hands or go straight through the net with that kind of power behind your kicks!” Kelley shouted from goal as she shook out her hands from blocking the third shot. I needed to let off some steam and shooting around always made me feel better. At first I wanted to go alone, but today I decided to call Kelley so I can actually have a target and some competition rather than an easy open goal. Kelley is an amazing defender but if she wanted to, she could really give Hope Solo some competition. She just prefers not too and lets Hope have all the pressure yet glory of goal keeping.
“Sorry Kell! Train hard, play hard!” I laughed and grinned at her.
“Whatever you say superstar!” Kelley yelled as she kicked back the balls.
Superstar.
No. Not today.
Step, step, step, shoot, SWOOSH!
Superstar.
Step, step, step, shoot, CLANG! Crossbar.
Superstar.
Step, step, step, shoot, CLANG! Side Post.
“FUCK!” I gritted my teeth and stomped off towards the bench. I threw my cleats off and to the side and sat with my head in my hands. This needs to stop.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Kelley had jogged over and sat next to me and rubbed my back soothingly.
“It’s been 2 years. 2 of the longest years of my life might I add. It was so hard and then she left soccer professionally 2 months ago. It hurt but I felt like I could breathe a little. Well I was wrong. 2 months of her nowhere near me and everything still reminds me of her. It started to get better, but when you called me superstar and it made me remember that night when everything fell apart. And before you start to apologize, it’s okay it is not your fault. It’s mine. I should be over it but I am not.”
“Alex, first of all I am not going to listen to you. I am so sorry I called you that, I forgot. Second, it is okay to hurt. It is okay to have reminders of her. I know how much you loved her, still love her, and this shows how hard you fell for her. Even though it hurts, you can still have some reminders and still move on.” I flashed Kelley a small sad smile and buried my head in the crook of her neck.
“I’m sorry that you have to put up with me. And I am sorry that it is not fair to you because I know your friends with her too. But thank you for everything. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.”
“It’s okay. I just want you to be happy. Don’t worry about me, I can handle being friends with you and Tobin.” I winced at the name and buried further in her embrace. She just mumbled a sorry and hugged me tighter.
“Hey, why don’t we grab our stuff and go get some ice cream, my treat?”
“That sounds awesome!” I grinned at her as we grabbed our stuff and headed to my favorite ice cream spot.
After ice cream, Kelley dropped me off and hugged me goodbye. I thanked her for everything and with a supportive shoulder squeeze and smile; I exited the car and went inside my apartment.
I threw my keys on the counter, grabbed a bottle of water and headed towards my bedroom. I showered and changed into shorts and a t-shirt and jumped into bed.
Kelley is right. It is okay to have reminders and still be able to move on. I need to let go. It is not fair that almost everything reminds me of my time with Tobin. Breathe. Fight off the shudder of her name. Good. See I can do this. Not only is it unfair to myself, it really is unfair to Kelley. I know they are still friends; it would be extremely selfish for me to make her choose between the two of us. That settles it! If Tobin can move on, then why can’t I?
I curled even more under the blankets, shut off my light on the night table, and plugged my phone in. Time to sleep. Time to move on…. Or at least time to try.