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Spock groaned again in his sleep. McCoy watched closely, with one hand he reached for his medical tricorder. Spock's eyes suddenly snapped open and his hand grabbed McCoy's hand in a crushing grip. "Don't" came a harsh whisper.
The doctor winced at the pain Spock's strong grip evoked. "Alright, calm down, Spock."
"No, you will not use that thing on me..." Spock grated out the words, his eyes slitting dangerously.
"Spock...Spock, get a hold of yourself man. You're hurting me..." The last came out as a gasp as McCoy struggled not to scream. He had a good feeling that Spock had broken a bone in his wrist. The pain was nauseating, but he refused to lose control in front of Spock with him acting so crazily.
Spock's eyes lost their anger as they flew open in surprise or shock. McCoy didn't care much which at the moment. Spock released his wrist and the doctor immediately cradled it to his chest, holding it gingerly with his other hand.
Spock seemed stunned into both silence and inaction. Staring at McCoy for several long seconds that felt like a millennia to McCoy, he then snapped into action at the pained gasp the doctor let out.
Briskly, he whipped out the medical tricorder to scan his companion's wrist. McCoy reflexively cringed, but then straightened immediately. His action did not go unmissed by Spock who was shocked and hurt at the fear McCoy couldn't help feeling. 'Control, must retain control. I have hurt my best friend, my...' Spock wouldn't let himself finish the thought.
"There is a small fracture, I must set it and knit the bone" Spock reached for the medkit. He knew what to do; all Starfleet personnel were well trained in emergency medical aid. But before he could reach the medkit McCoy spoke. "No...no need Spock, I can do it." He stated firmly, already opening the medkit as he spoke, the maimed hand clutched to his chest.
"But, doctor, it is illogical to..."
"Don't tell me what is or isn't logical!" McCoy snapped. "You weren't acting very logical a minute ago. Just step back and sit down. I'll attend you in a minute." He started to awkwardly knit the bone using the instruments one handed.
Spock was momentarily stunned into obedience at McCoy's commanding tones, but then, watching McCoy's difficulties he stepped forward again.
"Leonard, do not be stubborn, let me help. I apologize for my behavior. You are right, I behaved illogically."
McCoy was shocked. He couldn't tell if it was more because Spock called him Leonard, or because he admitted to illogic. He decided to focus on the admission as he tried to diagnose Spock's behavior and possible sickness in his head. He allowed Spock to take the bone knitter from his hand.
Spock bent over the doctor's wrist, gently holding it in place as he passed the instrument over the bones in even strokes. McCoy studied the top of Spock's head as he struggled to phrase his words carefully.
"Spock, you admit you behaved illogically, but you didn't say why you did so. Why were you so upset at my trying to scan you? You were groaning loudly your sleep and I know you haven't been feeling well for days."
Spock's loose grip on his wrist tightened momentarily and McCoy flinched again. But Spock then set the wrist gently on McCoy's thigh and put away the instrument.
"I...I cannot answer you right now. I must meditate. When I return I will attempt to answer your questions. Excuse me." With that he quickly left the shuttle before McCoy could protest.
*^*^*
When Spock didn't return two hours later, McCoy knew something was terribly wrong. Either some horrible alien creature had come out of the woods and eaten Spock, or...the damned Vulcan had lied about meditating and coming back and had run off.
Well, this was bad news. Very bad news. A violent, lying Vulcan that had run off and hidden from him. Great, just what they needed. Spock was obviously sick. Possibly a viral infection, or maybe even some mental disease that had gone undetected. It could be because of the planet they were on, or something uniquely Vulcan. Whatever it was, McCoy knew that Spock was in trouble. He couldn't let him wander around a strange planet alone. He didn't even take any equipment. Shit, how was he supposed to go after him? His wrist was still sore and wouldn't be completely healed for several days. Not to mention the fact that he was a doctor, not a survival freak. How did he get into these messes?
Never once did he seriously consider leaving Spock to his own devices. Never mind that Spock had been violent and that a violent Vulcan is a bloody dangerous one. 'No, Spock is my patient, Spock is my friend, and Spock...well, no time to kid ourselves, Spock is important to me. Never mind how. I've gotta find him...and now!'
With that he finished packing up his gear, stuffing as much extra supplies as he could. If he had to go far and Spock was injured or needed help, he'd have to have enough for two. The doctor struggled into his pack and sealed the door of the shuttle. His tricorder picked up signs of where Spock had walked through, but he wasn't in range of the tricorder now. 'Not alive, anyway.'
If Spock was dead, it wouldn't necessarily show up on the screen until he was fairly close to the body. A dead body had very low readings. 'Don't think like that Leonard, focus on what you know. Spock is a bloody stubborn man. He's just fine. Keep looking...'
*^*^*
Spock gripped his arms tightly around himself. He was huddled against a cairn of rocks he'd come across. It wasn't particularly cold, but he was shivering nonetheless. "Control, control, control" was his mantra. Repeated over and over through chattering teeth. He was still repeating it when McCoy finally stumbled upon him hours later.
"Spock! There you are! Spock? Answer me." Spock's eyes were squeezed shut and he didn't seem to hear McCoy. McCoy pulled out his med tricorder and scanned Spock. And then gasped with surprise, 'it can't be...'
Spock must have been just ignoring him, because he looked up finally. "Yes, doctor. Now you know. Please, go away. You and I both know there is nothing you can do."
"But, Spock - how could you be in Pon Farr again already? I thought you had another five years or so before it was 'time' again."
"Doctor, we discussed this. Not only is my 'time' affected by my human half, I am unbonded and I did not complete the Pon Farr two years ago. I know that we had hypothesized that I may have to wait even longer than the customary 7 years, but it seems we erred. Either the previous Pon Farr has left me in 'time' sooner than expected, or my 'times' are erratic due to the human genes. Either way, I will not survive it again."
"But, Spock, last time..."
"Enough!" Spock instantly regretted the harshness of his voice and regained control, softer he repeated, "Enough...not only can I not fight you, you would die, and besides which the challenge may not have worked well enough last time. I must mate or die. And it seems likely I will die. Please, just go. Lock yourself inside the shuttle. I do not wish to cause you any more harm. I am rapidly losing my control. I cannot assure your safety."
McCoy's thoughts had been racing during Spock's words. He wasn't sure why Spock had said '...not only can I not fight you...' implying that there was a reason he couldn't fight him besides not wanting to kill McCoy. Whatever the reason, Spock wouldn't fight him and he must mate. Mate, well maybe he didn't have to have a Vulcan woman. McCoy's heart skipped a beat before he could sternly instruct it, 'no, I will not let you interfere. This is strictly a medical and friendship deal. I will do everything I can to save him. So be still.'
Spock sat silently. He was hunched over trying to keep from grabbing McCoy. He was so near, so close...'I could reach out...NO, I must not. He must go away...now! Why does he not go? Doesn't he realize how dangerous this is? How he is torturing me by being so near?'
"Spock..." Spock's breathing was becoming erratic. His blood thundered in his temples and he wasn't able to focus on McCoy's words at first. "...is possible...may help...a bond...with me...must try...are you listening to me?!" Spock suddenly seized on the meaning of McCoy's words.
"No! I..."
"But would it work? Could it work...dammit Spock we must try..." With that McCoy grasped Spock's hot hands.
Spock's senses were suddenly flooded with McCoy. Everything McCoy. McCoy's cool skin, the smoothness of his fingertips, the feelings and emotions running through his mind.
– Concern, hurt that Spock resisted and wouldn't talk to him, fear at the situation, fear for Spock, but surprisingly enough (considering the circumstances) no real fear of him. And other feelings, tenderness, hope, love -
These last emotions perplexed Spock, but so great was his confusion and loss of control that these slipped quickly from his mind as the link between them began to grow. He must soon decide, let go of McCoy's hands and break their contact and link, or engage in a mind meld and cement the link. Though he knew he would regret his actions when lucid once more, he tentatively reached for the meld points on the doctor's face. "My mind to your mind..."
McCoy actually sighed in relief, he had gotten through. But then he stiffened. 'Oh, god, what have I gotten into, he'll know.' Too late, Spock touched his mind and the completed link surged into existence between them. McCoy's hand mimicked Spock's on the Vulcan's face by instinct.
The words spoken by Spock then changed from the typical mindmeld to ancient Vulcan. McCoy dimly understood through their link that Spock was bonding them together. As Spock finished, McCoy felt the link deepen and expand far greater than he ever thought possible.
^Oh, it's...there are no words...^
^Indeed, T'hyla, it is incomprehensible to those who do not experience it for themselves.^
^Spock? You can hear me? Stupid question, of course you can. I'm just...not used to this at all. I'm a little scared.^ McCoy was embarrassed to reveal that.
^No need to be embarrassed, it is frightening for me as well.^
^YOU, frightened??^
^Yes, I am losing control...I cannot...I cannot keep you from the burning much longer.^
McCoy's fear deepened at that. Anything Spock feared was formidable, and having Spock lose control now while linked would be far more dangerous than before.
^You will not be harmed in the link, we are one, now. But, you will experience my burning soon and it will be yours as well. You are not Vulcan, but it will be a part of you, too. Yet, you should retain far more control than I. And T'hyla, the physical act, it is necessary, I cannot stop it...But I will be as careful as I can for as long as I can.^
McCoy steadied himself. He was a doctor, he could handle this. He communicated to Spock that he needed a moment to himself and going around the cairn with his medkit he went to prepare himself. Lubricant, stretching, it was damned awkward, especially with his fingers shaking. He couldn't trust Spock to do this in his condition, he knew once they started Spock would lose all control. He needed to make it easier on himself. Done, he straightened up and pulled his pants back up.
Spock had spread out McCoy's sleeping bag. And to think, I was worried about not bringing yours.
Spock acknowledged his words with a sharp nod. McCoy could feel the effort it took to control himself within his own mind.
^Okay, Spock, you can let go. I'm prepared and you can't keep this back for long.^
^No, I cannot, but I must control it a little longer...^
McCoy was unsure why at first, but then understood when Spock reached for him, pulling him into a loose embrace and kissing him softly. Spock continued to kiss him as he began stroking McCoy's back.
^Mmmm. Ah, I didn't expect this, Spock. ^
^Shh, relax. I will not hurt you.^ Spock meant his promise, but even as he thought it he realized that he may not be able to keep it. The burning was blazing in his mind and body, he knew that McCoy was starting to feel it, too. He focused on McCoy's responses. Through their link he knew that McCoy had some experience with men, but not much more than mutual masturbation and caresses. Most of his knowledge about the act to come was from medical texts and from treating patients. He knew all the ways that the male body could be harmed in this act and McCoy was extremely nervous.
^Yes, but I do trust you...And even if I am hurt, I have my medkit...quit worrying so much.^
Spock could not hold off the act any longer, he must begin now while he had enough control. Resisting the impulse to rip off McCoy's clothes, he settled for quickly, but gently stripping McCoy of his uniform. He then removed his own, but with less care. They stood naked facing one another for a moment and then McCoy took the initiative of tugging Spock to lay down on the sleeping bag together. He then slowly explored Spock's body with his hands and eyes. Spock trembled and clutched his hands into tight fists to resist touching McCoy.
^Relax, Spock, you can touch me. You're gonna have to eventually, ya know.^ McCoy's thoughts were heavily tinged with humor and helped Spock relax...but just a little.
Spock returned McCoy's caresses, at first gently touching, then increasing in intensity until he was breathing hard again and beginning to fondle McCoy passionately. McCoy's own breathing sped up and he returned the caresses just as aggressively. Spock's hands reached down and grasped McCoy's buttocks, massaging them and then pulling them apart. McCoy's legs spread, Spock was now on top of him. They kissed roughly and then Spock growled, "Turn over...I must...," he was too far gone to complete the sentence. McCoy quickly turned over on his stomach and rose to his knees, spreading his legs.
'Well, no turning back now..' McCoy thought suddenly, his nervousness returning. Spock sent a quick, but brusque acknowledgement, but was past reassurances. He began to push into McCoy, grateful that McCoy had prepared himself...he was no longer capable of being gentle. He managed not to simply thrust in, however, and was slowly, but relentlessly rocking and driving himself into his bondmate.
Oh, it burned and it was too much. McCoy gritted his teeth and struggled to relax the muscles. He wasn't very successful, however and Spock had to force himself in the rest of the way. Not giving McCoy time to adjust, Spock immediately began to thrust forcefully, all control abandoned.
^Uh, so good, oh, T'hyla...So warm, so tight...^ Any other time McCoy might have actually been turned on by these thoughts, but feeling Spock's loss of control, the burning pain of the joining, and knowing that this encounter was solely for Spock's release left McCoy numb. He focused on staying on his knees despite Spock's forceful thrusts and squeezed his eyes shut. He could do this, he would do this...just because it wasn't what he'd wanted for the two of them...it wasn't like Spock wanted this...he couldn't help biology. He tried every reasoning he could to avoid thinking one thought...he was humiliated and feeling very dirty right now. He reminded himself that he had done more than consent; he'd pushed it on Spock. No turning back now, and he would not blame Spock when this was over. He wouldn't...he wouldn't. McCoy was grateful that Spock was far too gone in his rutting and primal emotions to 'hear' his thoughts. He knew the basics of blocking thoughts and memories from telepaths, had studied it on his own the last few years. He carefully blocked off the thoughts associated with this act and his regrets. He would not let Spock know his pain. It wasn't his fault. All of this was going through his mind as Spock continued his thrusting. It was taking a long time...McCoy wondered at Vulcan stamina. He'd have thought Spock would come quickly after all that frustration, quite the opposite, though.
Finally, finally, Spock halted and tensed as he came. He then collapsed on top of McCoy who immediately collapsed into a heap of his own, completely unable to support the heavy Vulcan's weight on his shaking arms. He lay trapped beneath Spock until Spock finally sensed his distress and shallow breathing. Rolling over Spock spoke softly, "I apologize, doctor, are you all right?" Spock was still too tired to notice the quietness of McCoy's thoughts.
"Yes, I'm fine. Just tired. Are you in control again?"
"For now, but the burning is still there, it will not be long before I cannot control it again."
"Oh, I guess we should rest, then." McCoy rolled over, away from Spock and hugged himself. He continued to block his thoughts of the 'encounter.' He focused on thinking of innocuous things, such as the time, when the Enterprise might return to pick up the two of them from their away mission. Which rations they should eat soon. He should scan Spock again and record his bio signs. With that thought he sat up to reach for his tricorder, or at least he tried to sit up...
"Oh!" McCoy laid back down. Spock had been drifting into a light sleep when he heard McCoy's painful cry. He felt the pain within his mind and felt guilty. He had hurt Leonard.
Spock sat up quickly and reached over McCoy for the medical tricorder. "Lay still, I'll help." He scanned McCoy and discovered the minor tears in his rectum. They had stopped bleeding already, but there was a great deal of inflammation. Gritting his teeth to staunch his inadequately controlled emotions, he set about repairing the damage with a dermal regenerator.
McCoy bore all of this silently with his eyes firmly shut. He willed himself to not flinch or react negatively to Spock's treatment. When it was over he put his hand on Spock's hunched shoulder. Before the bonding, McCoy wouldn't have touched the Vulcan out of politeness, but considering what had just occurred, he supposed he could take such liberties with Spock.
"It's alright, Spock. We knew it'd be a little rough. I'm okay now. How about I scan you and then we go back to sleep?" McCoy's voice was soft and forgiving. Spock was so guilt ridden. He didn't mean to hurt him. Maybe after all this was over and they were back on the Enterprise they could try this again without the pain.
^I am sorry T'hyla. I wish I could control myself better. It is not unusual for bondmates to harm each other during Pon Farr.^
^It's okay, come on, your scans show some improvement already. Let's get some rest before round two.^
Spock must have been feeling better, because his eyebrow rose at his choice of words. He said nothing, but lay down next to the doctor again, this time tentatively reaching out his arm to McCoy, who hesitated, but then snuggled up and laid his own arm across Spock's chest and closed his eyes. Together they drifted into an uneasy sleep.
McCoy woke to insistent fingers rubbing his inner thigh muscles. He was on his back, his legs spread and Spock was kneeling between them. He tensed. Not so soon...
^Yes, I am sorry, I must. You are feeling better?^
^Yes, a little sore, but better. Go ahead then.^
^We have a little time.^ Spock focused on arousing McCoy first this time. Stroking his chest, fingers teasing their way down to his now erect member. McCoy moaned as Spock stroked his erection, gently at first, easily finding the most sensitive and arousing spots by feeling his reactions in his mind. He then slowly added pressure, circling the head, stroking the shaft, cupping his balls, until McCoy released with a strangled shout and collapsed back on to the sleeping bag tired, but satisfied. He smiled drowsily, lifting his eyes to meet Spock's, tensing again at what he saw.
Spock's eyes were dilated with desire, they gleamed back at McCoy full of lust. Watching his mate arouse and release had increased his own lust until he was starting to lose control again. He managed to wait until McCoy released his tension and began to turn over.
"No, like this, I want to see you." Spock whispered, a slight growl creeping into his voice.
McCoy stopped and lay back, spreading his legs, his eyes wide and legs trembling. He wasn't sure he'd appreciate this level of intimacy. It'd be harder to distance himself, but he'd do it for Spock.
Spock was once again focused on his desire and missed this. He saw what he wanted to see, his mate spreading his legs further apart awaiting him. He lifted McCoy's hips and thrust in.
McCoy gritted his teeth again, his release had loosened the muscles some, but his nervousness and remembered pain quickly tensed them again. Spock seemed oblivious as he thrust in again and again until his entire length was seated firmly within McCoy. McCoy's legs were bent and pressed firmly to his chest, he breathed shallowly as he waited for Spock to return to thrusting. When he did, he then let his thoughts return to their mantra. 'It's okay, it'll be over soon, he needs his release. It doesn't matter...' Spock thrust harder and harder, pounding into McCoy seeking his release. He didn't notice McCoy wasn't hard, he didn't notice McCoy's thoughts, he was focused on an internal battle with his hormones.
Once again he released into McCoy and collapsed, but this time managed to fall to the side, freeing McCoy from his cramped position.
McCoy waited a moment, then seemed to notice that they were done. Dazed, he slowly straightened his legs. His eyes remained staring at the sky above them, unseeing. Spock's release once again allowed him some control back. He waited for his breathing to ease and then glanced over at McCoy. McCoy had by then rolled over on his side away from Spock once again. Spock sensed McCoy's daze and decided to let him recover before speaking. After awhile McCoy spoke without turning over.
"Are you hungry?" His voice had no emotion in it.
"Not very, but we should eat to keep up our strength. I'll get some rations." He walked over to the bag and pulled out some of the multicolored cubes Starfleet called field rations. He also scooped up the medical tricorder intent on making sure McCoy was uninjured. Before he could scan him, though, McCoy grabbed it from him. "I can do it this time. How about getting us some water from the stream." McCoy pointed to the stream several kilometers away. Spock decided to give McCoy the distance he wanted.
"Very well, if you need help, call." He picked up their near empty canteens and strode across the valley in the pants he'd pulled on when standing.
McCoy watched him walk away for a moment and then sighing, he scanned himself. Lifting the tricorder up to see the results he noted that there was some more tears and inflammation, but not too bad. He healed it the best he could from his angle and then packed up the medkit again. Their healing was not as thorough as it could be. When he got back to sickbay he'd need further treatment and rest. McCoy mentally cringed at the thought of what M'Benga would think of the injuries. But, he knew the doctor would be discreet, it was just that he'd have to listen to a lecture and put up with his concern. McCoy considered avoiding the exam all together, but he was too professional for that. He was the Chief Medical Officer. He was needed and couldn't risk his health interfering with his duties.
'Just suck it up and deal with it. I'll just have to talk with him first and keep the other doctors and nurses out of it. Especially Christine. Christ, what would she think? She loved Spock, or infatuated with him any way. She'd be heartbroken. And while I'm at it. What about Jim? How would he react? He'd probably be sickened. He was so straight. But, he also might be jealous. He suspected Jim had feelings for Spock himself, he just repressed them. This wasn't going to be easy, and how would Spock feel having such a private matter of their bonding being talked about on the ship. Shit, they had to talk about all this.'
But of course, they'd have to wait until Spock's 'time' was done. McCoy sensed Spock's nearness through the link. He was returning. He gingerly sat up and accepted his canteen of water. Spock sat down and they ate their rations in silence.
Spock wanted to speak, to commune in the link, but McCoy was so quiet and still that he suspected the doctor was not dealing with this easily. If only he had approached Leonard with is feelings before the Pon Farr. But of course, he couldn't. He was Vulcan, logic dictated that as McCoy was his colleague and human an unlikely and unsuitable mate. His thoughts were interrupted by McCoy's mental gasp. He'd heard his thoughts! He was not in control enough to block them as easily as normal.
"Leonard - "
"Don't, I didn't mean to pry, you were thinking so hard that I couldn't help it..."
"It is not that, I did not mean it the way it sounded - "
"I know, it's okay. Just forget it. Let's get some rest."
Spock wanted to say no. He wanted to tell him how illogical it was to try to 'forget it,' but he also knew that McCoy would just get angry at his attempts at logic right now. This time he made sure of his mind shields before reflecting on the problem. He honestly didn't know what he'd meant by unsuitable. Not that McCoy wasn't good enough for him. Just that the two of them weren't likely to be compatible...logically. But his feelings for McCoy were anything but logical. And that was what made him so uncomfortable. He didn't know why he was so attracted to such an emotional creature.
No, he did know why. McCoy was generous, kind, passionate, and he challenged Spock's ideals, and strove to get Spock to do the same. He was a loyal friend and compassionate. He showed Spock that being half human was nothing to be ashamed of, unlike his father's upbringing. With McCoy, it was not only okay to occasionally let his control slip and show emotion, it was to be encouraged, to be enjoyed. Much as he strived to 'out Vulcan the Vulcans' according to McCoy, he also secretly longed to let some of his human side through. All of this he wished to tell Leonard, but he also knew that his feelings were not proper. He shouldn't express them. Once the Pon Farr was over he couldn't pursue them and he didn't want to hurt McCoy further by taking back his words later. So he remained silent and his thoughts veiled as he lay back down.
*^*^*
Two days later Spock's Pon Farr finally eased up and ended. Spock had tried his best to make the beginnings of their 'encounters' pleasurable, but was unable to control himself once he was inside McCoy. McCoy continued to block all negative thoughts concerning the acts and his increasing depression. He knew that once they were back on board the Enterprise their relationship would have to go back to professional. He and Spock would have to distance themselves from the bond. As good as his friends were back on board the starship, he knew they wouldn't react well to their relationship. And Spock, well, without the Pon Farr, what use would he have for the bond? McCoy pushed these thoughts down deep and focused on finishing his exam of Spock.
"Looks good. Your signs are back to normal parameters and no longer elevated. Looks like it worked."
"Yes, I must thank you. You saved my life."
"Yes, well, all part of the service." It was meant as a joke, but Leonard's mouth was tight and smile didn't reach his eyes. Spock noticed, but was silent. Both wondered what to say next when their coms beeped.
"Enterprise to away team, come in, please," Uhura's voice sang out. Shortly thereafter they were beamed back to the Enterprise. Spock was checked out in sickbay quickly as standard precaution. He left sickbay without a word to finish his second debriefing for the captain, this time on the more detailed aspects of their scanning that had occurred before Spock's illness. Neither one had mentioned the Pon Farr, just said that the last few days had been spent with Spock ill and McCoy tending him to recovery. As the doors shut behind Spock, McCoy turned to M'Benga.
"Doctor, if you'll lay on the biobed, we'll finish up and you can go rest." The doctor was polite, but firm. He noticed the grayness in McCoy's skin and the bags under his eyes. It was likely just exhaustion, he wanted to examine McCoy and send him to his bed.
"Uh, right, listen, I've got something to tell you first..."