Work Text:
Case Number: 010147676
Date: 23 December 1965
Reporting Officer: Detective Constable Morse
Incident Type: Destruction of Property, Childishness
Address of Occurrence: Incident Room, Oxford City Police Station
Witnesses:
Constable Strange
Dectective Inspector Thursday
Evidence:
Footprints on DC Morse's desk and important paperwork
Mistletoe
DS Jakes' uncontrollable laughter
On 23 December 1963, around lunchtime, DC Morse left his desk to grab a cup of tea and a sandwich from the shop around the corner and, upon returning to his desk a few minutes later, he was horrified to find that his desk had been absolutely destroyed: there were large, muddy footprints on DC Morse's chair, desk, and the Agyeman files. In addition, there was a poorly-made and extremely ugly clump of mistletoe hanging above said desk.
There were no witnesses in the Incident Room at the time of the robbery (as everyone was out enjoying their lunches without having to worry about their personal property being ruined). However, when DS Jakes returned from 'lunch' (a likely cover story), he very suspiciously laughed for five minutes straight. In his witness statement, DI Thursday said, “I'm very sorry about your desk, Morse, but it was probably just some of the lads having a bit of fun. Now, let's get back to work and try to solve this case before Christmas. Why are you writing down everything I say?” In Strange's witness statement, he said, “Er, well, Jakes looks like he might know a bit about the mistletoe. Maybe you should ask him about it, matey. At the pub. Tonight.”
Upon further investigation, DC Morse located some red ribbon and mistletoe leaves in Strange's desk drawer--it would seem that DS Jakes went so far as to try to implicate the innocent Strange in this whole childish business.
The evidence speaks for itself: DS Jakes climbed onto, and hung mistletoe above, DC Morse's desk, in some sort of attempt to annoy and distract him from the Agyeman case. DC Morse would like to remind DS Jakes that it's a bit unprofessional to sabotage fellow officers to make oneself look better. DC Morse would appreciate it if DS Jakes remained at least three feet away from DC Morse's desk from now on.
***
Case Number: 010147677
Date: 24 December 1965
Reporting Officer: Detective Sergeant Jakes
Incident Type: Extreme Destruction of Property, Extreme Childishness
Address of Occurrence: Personal Lockers, Oxford City Police Station
Witnesses:
Constable Strange
Detective Inspector Thursday
Chief Superintendent Bright
Evidence:
Cookie crumbs all over the goddam locker
Hot chocolate stains on DS Jakes' favourite coat
DC Morse giggling like a five year old
On 24 December 1963, after his shift ended, DS Jakes went to his personal locker to retrieve his coat. When he opened his locker, however, he was met with a complete fucking mess: there were broken gingerbread cookies everywhere and a huge brown stain on DS Jakes' beautiful peacoat that will take a trip to the dry-cleaners to get out.
There were no direct witnesses, as everyone was occupied with solving the Agyeman murders. However, in his witness statement DI Thursday said, “Jakes, I can't even see a stain. [DS Jakes would like to point out that the stain was a bit hard to see in the dim light of the Incident Room but it was indeed there]. Why can’t the detectives around here stop acting like little boys and start acting like proper men?” At this very moment, DC Morse proceeded to giggle. Very suspicious.
In his witness statement Strange said, “Uh, I don't think Morse did it--he has a lot on his mind these days with the Agyeman murders. Perhaps, er, you should take him to the pub tonight and talk it out? No? Are you sure?” When DS Jakes took the matter to Chief Superintendent Bright, he said, “Jesus Christ, don’t you people have a murder to investigate?”
Exactly. Instead of petty pranks, maybe DC Morse should focus on solving the Agyeman case so we can all fucking go home for Christmas.
***
Case Number: 010147678
Date: 25 December 1965
Reporting Officer: Constable Strange
Incident Type: Good-Intentioned Stupidity & Clumsiness
Address of Occurrence: Oxford City Police Station
Witnesses:
Constable Strange
Evidence:
DC Morse and DS Jakes are mad at each other and not dating
On 23 December 1963 Strange decorated DC Morse's desk with mistletoe. On 24 December 1963 Strange filled DS Jakes' locker with cookies and cocoa.
"Why in Santa's name would you do that?" you may ask. Well, Strange has noticed a certain amount of sexual tension between the detectives for the past few months. Upon consulting his girlfriend, Miss Joan Thursday, Strange decided to take matters into his own hands. However, he forgot to wipe off his snow-covered boots before hanging the mistletoe above DC Morse's desk and he accidentally slammed DS Jakes' locker too hard when he closed it and spilled cocoa and cookies everywhere.
Strange apologizes. To make up for it, Strange would like to invite DC Morse and DS Jakes over for Christmas dinner tonight. Strange makes a mean apple pie and Joan will be bringing her personal collection of cheap wines.
P.S. Strange and Joan will physically force DC Morse and DS Jakes to come even if they say "No."
Merry Christmas!