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he was too sweet - "sickly sweet" would the voice in the back of hoseok's head whisper - too sweet with a soft heart and softer skin. he felt too hard and felt too much and felt so deeply that hoseok could only reflect distantly at the alarming shallowness of his own emotions. hoseok loved him anyway.
(hoseok is sunshine and joy and happiness and a sharp tongue and fear and sadness and apathy rolled into one.)
hoseok is a wolf in sheep's clothing surrounded by lambs. hoseok tried not to pretend, tried not to lie, but empathy had never come easy - if it ever came at all. hoseok could only nod along as he watched him throw his entire being into every obstacle, every emotion, every relationship, everything and everyone that raised its head into existence. hoseok did his best, always did, always tried to say the right thing and act the right way without being himself too much.
(hoseok is, to his agreement and to the people who know him, a bad person. he lies, he backstabs, he says cruel things for the sake of being cruel and he doesn't feel bad about it - can't feel bad about it. hoseok wonders a lot if he was born a bastard or if it's something he grew into, like an oversized coat that now fits him just right but now refuses to be shrugged off. hoseok doesn't know, sometimes, if he wants it to be taken off. that's how he knows he's a bad person - good people should want to fix what's bad about them, right? not accept it? he doesn't really know but he's pretty sure he's right about that.)
he knew hoseok is a bad person - hoseok is open about it, is almost about to put it into his introduction when he meets someone new: "hi there, i'm jung hoseok and i'm rotten to the core but i'll make you laugh anyway so you won't realise it until i accidentally fuck you over because i can't help myself!" in spite of it all, he insisted that he loved hoseok anyway, loved the bad sides as well as the good.
(of course there are good sides to hoseok - he makes people laugh, he tries to make people happy and succeeds, he's bubbly and he's sweet and he listens and he can switch from a dirty mind to an innocent one in a second. hoseok thinks that's probably what makes the hurt worse - he doesn't think it with remorse though, it's just a slight musing.)
that made it hurt worse when hoseok accidentally causes the first argument and they got torn to shreds. it's easy to forgive cruelty when it's not pointed at you. hoseok throws insults and condescension and sarcasm for the first time and hoseok knows when he hits his mark. he doesn't understand hoseok and hoseok doesn't understand him. he can't forgive hoseok and hoseok pretends to care. hoseok loves with all he has - he just doesn't have enough to last for a long time.
hoseok gets angry, so angry when he's meant to apologise because he hasn't done anything wrong. he's sure he hasn't. he hasn't done anything right, sure, but he hasn't done something wrong. the people around him assure him he has and hoseok hears it and he listens but he doesn't get it. bad people do bad things, even good people do bad things, this isn't fair on him.
(hoseok is good at apathy but better at anger. he hates the passive aggressive statements, these good people lecturing with how he could be better and how he's hurt them and how he's exhaustingly untrustworthy and it's irritating. it lights a fire under him and his apologies and his guilt grow faker and faker and he's left with a seething anger because what did you expect? hoseok growls to who will listen that he is human and people treat other people like shit sometimes, it's just a thing that happens, right? hoseok stands knowingly on stones that were cast at him by people with the same sins on their backs.)
they leave each other behind, hoseok moves on with anger holding hands with his bitterness. he's still not sorry and he probably won't be, as many times as the pretty word slips out of his mouth, it rarely ever resonates within him. hoseok is a good liar.
(min yoongi is almost a better one.)
hoseok meets yoongi through a friend of a friend and is smitten. yoongi sits with a disdainful look on his face to hide the giggles that peek through sometimes when he thinks no-one's looking. hoseok makes it his goal to make yoongi happy and when a gummy smile brightens the room, hoseok's heart flutters.
(yoongi is an obliviously good person pretending he's not and, as his almost opposite, hoseok can see straight through him.)
hoseok and yoongi grow closer and closer - hoseok doesn't count a day as a success if he hasn't made yoongi laugh at least ten times. hoseok makes yoongi blush and giggle and smile and feel - all the things he pretends he doesn't. hoseok falls fast and hard for yoongi's gravelly voice and large hands - falls deep for yoongi's music and lame jokes that make hoseok laugh all the same.
(yoongi falls faster.)
yoongi and hoseok have their first kiss on hoseok's doorstep, a nervous hoseok darting forward to peck yoongi on the cheek before a surprised yoongi instead intertwines a hand in his hair and pulls him in until they're gasping for breath.
(they fuck for the first time a month later, soft and gentle because they're still afraid to scare each other away.)
hoseok and yoongi have their first argument four months into their relationship, it's something stupid and trivial but yoongi's upset and hoseok's angry. hoseok's words turn cruel and harsh, attacking yoongi where it'll hurt him the most.
(it's not on purpose - hoseok loves yoongi with everything he is and all he has but hoseok's got a tongue like a loaded gun and he's got the safety turned off.)
he's expecting yoongi to leave that instant. instead, a taken aback yoongi chokes out a confused "how long have you been sitting on all of that for?"
hoseok wasn't ready for a response like that but quietly tells yoongi he hasn't been - and he really hasn't, he can't say that he doesn't believe the bullets flying out of his mouth but he just hasn't thought about it before - and their heated conversation fizzles out, doesn't go cold but burns down to neutral.
(hoseok doesn't feel angry about apologising this time. he loves yoongi to the moon and back and that's almost enough to make him feel bad about how yoongi feels.)
yoongi accepts hoseok's fragile apology in his hands and with his heart. he doesn't tell him it's okay but he doesn't condescend him, doesn't tell hoseok how mean he was, even though they both know he was cruel - yoongi doesn't see the point in reiterating something that everyone already knows, never has and never will.
(a few days later, yoongi with his soft heart and softer skin, tells hoseok that he doesn't think he's a bad person. hoseok cries and yoongi holds him.)
yoongi thinks hoseok's delicate - hoseok can be harsh and unsympathetic and angry, god, he's so angry but yoongi thinks the fears inside hoseok have built impenetrable walls to keep him safe.
hoseok still knows he's a bad person despite how yoongi whispers the opposite into his hair on every morning that he remembers to. yoongi might believe in the nice side to hoseok but belief doesn't make it real. hoseok is a liar and unsympathetic and mean and funny and energetic and cheerful and he loves yoongi with all he is and he can only hope that's enough for yoongi.
(yoongi thinks it is. hoseok tells yoongi about him and what he did and yoongi loves him anyway.)