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When hoseok is 11 he sees a magazine sitting on rack at the store with a man named Hong seok cheon on the front. he looks familiar and he knows he seen him from somewhere before. on the cover he's making a scandalized face and under it reads in large capital letters:
"HONG SEOK CHEON COMES OUT AS GAY"
he's suddenly curious as he picks up the magazine, glancing around the store. his mom is still at the checkout line buying their groceries for the weekend and she doesn't notice he's gone browsing. clutching the magazine he moves farther into the section of magazines inching towards the back pillar. he doesn't know why he's going behind a pillar to read the magazine but he feels like he needs to because what he's doing feels weird. it's like the headline of the magazine is tainted and if he's caught reading it then he might get in trouble.
hoseok doesn't live under a rock. he knows what gay is but...to be talked about in Korea? it rarely happens. the word gay is almost completely foreign to his brain. he knows of it but? maybe once in his life had he heard the word. opening the magazine he flips through it until he he gets to the middle of the magazine. again there's a picture of the man with paragraphs littering the page. he flips to the next page and sees a makeup ad for some really ugly purple lipstick.
hoseok glances up again and sees his mom in the distance paying with a check. he needs to be quick if he wants to find out more about this, this taboo, whatever it is. flipping back to the page with hong on it, suddenly he sees one of his friends from his elementary school walking in the distance, and he hasn't noticed him yet but he immediately scrambles to put the magazine face down in the rack. he hides behind the pillar again because he wouldn't be caught dead reading that magazine. his heart is beating out of his chest and he almost laughs at himself for being so stressed out about it. it was just a magazine after all! composing himself he takes a few deep breaths, thankful that no one saw him. he hears and sees his mom calling him a few feet away, "hoseok come on!"
"Coming!" he replies, not wanting to go just yet. running to his mom they both walk together out of the store together. he gets into the backseat of their tiny old honda, itching to ask his mom about the magazine. they pull out of the parking lot and he watches grass fields and apartment houses zip by. occupying his hands he picks at the ripped seat of the car, the little pieces of foam coming out.
"Mom what's gay?" he suddenly blurts out, ripping the band aid right off, not beating around the bush. he knows what it is but he decides it's better to act oblivious then know too much about it because then it'll make people become suspicious. he isn't a naive 11 year old.
his mom clears her throat, glancing at him through the front mirror of the car. "Gay is...when two people of the same gender...are confused." they approach to a red light, his mother breaking smoothly coming to a complete stop. tapping her fingers on the steering wheel she continues. "They're just confused people who think they know what's right and they...they're attracted to the same gender."
it goes silent and hoseoks surrounded by the ripped up pieces of foam. he didn't even realize he was subconsciously ripping them up again and again. the mess is big and he knows his mom is going to be angry at him for making the hole in the seat even worse. it's not like hoseok was expecting a different answer but it confirms his curiosity. he knows that's how it is.
they're getting closer and closer to home and he's relived his mom hasn't said much since he's asked about...it. he could practically feel the thick tension in the air. all he had done was asked a simple question but now it's suddenly awkward and he can feel it all too clearly, his senses heightened.
"Hoseok where did you hear that from? Was it that Hong seok cheon man? The man from news?"
ah. so she did know about him. "Well I was just in the store and I think I might've seen a magazine talking about it." it wasn't a complete lie!
she clicks her tongue shaking her head in disapproval. "I swear the press needs to stop giving that man attention! It's just making matters worse. What is this world coming too? If you ever see anything about that man I want you to not pay attention to it?" they're pulling into the driveway of their small apartment complex when his mother turns back to look at him. "You understand me?" she's giving him a stern look and it makes him kind of scared.
biting his tongue he says, "I understand mom."
the next time he goes to the grocery store the magazine isn't there anymore. he remembers what his mom had said to him the previous week and then it's suddenly not as important to him to find out about it anymore. he forces himself to forget about it and he eventually does.
***
he's 14 years old fresh into high school, acne prone, awkward skinny limbs and braces when he realizes that he might be different. he can't quite put a name on what is different about him, but he just is. maybe it was earlier when he started to realize that he wasn't like the other boys in his class that whispered into each other's ears about the noona's hot body in the grade above us. or when they would gossip about who would get laid first by the pretty girl with long black hair who smelled like summer every time they passed by her in the hall. no, oh no.
hoseok has always been taught to follow the crowd. don't be too different, but be unique enough that you stand out but not in a negative way. they say to be yourself but once you become a version of something they don't like, suddenly it's a crime to be yourself.
he lies in bed that night staring at the cracked ceiling in his bedroom thinking about school and his friends. after tossing and turning he eventually hits a brick in the wall. his mind drifts and he suddenly starts thinking about hyolyn, the girl in his class. she's got a great taste in music, is pretty, intelligent, and has a nice laugh. her smile is really big and she has a really nice chest. his eyelids are heavy and his brain is clouded but his mind wants to head into that territory. he's any guys dream girl. he's only 14, and she's only 14, but she's so beautiful and her hair cascades down her back and when she walks it's like she's got a little skip in her step and how could anyone not love her?
hoseok scowls knowing that in the back of his mind he always feels weird afterwards, but he doesn't care. he closes his eyes and tries to imagine her doing something inappropriate, nasty, vulgar, anything. his hand creeps down his chest and he starts to rub himself through his thin pajama shorts. it's ridiculous, and he feels ridiculous for doing this in the middle of the night when he actually should be sleeping. he keeps rubbing with the palm of his hand until his dick gets hard, forming a tent in his shorts. Pretty soon the friction becomes too much and he hooks his fingers around his shorts slipping them down to his knees, not all the way quite off, incase his mom caught him. It was really unlikely but he did it just to be safe. he earnestly starts stroking, not wanting to drag it out but chase his release. it doesn't take him long, only a few minutes but he comes without any thought in his head of hyolyn. he almost forgets that was what his intention was in the first place. he falls asleep desperately wanting to feel something for her, anything.
***
hoseok is 15. his grades aren't the best but he's passing all his classes and he has a decent amount of friends. he thinks that's good enough. his parents don't though, and they have dreams of him being a doctor. he knows he can't give them what they want. he doesn't even know where his passion lies but he knows for sure it's not in academics.
he also decides that maybe he should lose his kissing virginity. it's not like he is the only one that's never kissed anybody. there are plenty of other boys at school that have never kissed anyone. he's only 15 after all. he got his braces off 5 months ago and he's still awkward and too scrawny but he thinks he can do it. maybe a girl would be just as desperately curious as he was to experiment kissing him.
just with his luck, he does not get kissed that year.
***
funnily enough, jimins older brother sneaks them all beer into the cramped basement of jimins house when hoseok's 16 years old. they all claw at the box silently thanking him as he smirks and leaves. whispers of 'thank yous' echo throughout the room as the door clicks shut. the fear is there that jimins parents could catch them, but even so his mom was really chill about almost everything they did.
hoseok doesn't really want to drink any of the beer but he decides that if he doesn't have any he'll look lame. taehyung giggles at the fact that they're doing something illegal as he passes hoseok a can. hoseoks never done anything like this but he feels adrenaline rushing through his blood at the fact that he's about to do this. it's stupid, but they all open the cans at the same time and all collectively look at each other bursting into laughter.
hoseok isn't that close with these people, but they're a good group of people, and he doesn't want to be alone. sticking with them is fun and sad at the same time because he can laugh hard with them but he doesn't really know them like that. he isn't close to any of them and he feels like he's just there. it's okay though because he isn't down and upset about it. sometimes it's just the way it is. It's high school, and he just wants to get through it while having an okay time. doesn't mean that it's gonna be grand and he's gonna have the best of friends, but at least he won't be lonely.
he's momentarily distracted by the remark made by seokjin to the left of him. they're clicking through random tv channels not really paying attention to too much of it as the chatter drowns out the changing channels. he knows he's making a really ugly face but he can't help it because the beer tastes so bad. why did people even like this? he sets down the can and listens to seokjin and taehyung rattle on about the girls they were only remotely interested in. he sighs while rolling his eyes. he sort of tunes it out, kind of sick of hearing about literally almost ever girl they desired to smash in school. however something seokjin says suddenly piques his interest.
"Oh my god and did you hear about those girls Mina and Soo Jung...?" seokjin eyes are wide and he's smirking, clutching the tv remote in his hand to the point that his knuckles turn white. they all look at him in unison, intrigued by whatever juicy gossip he has to spill because they really don't know. hoseok is a little curious too, especially since he hasn't seen seokjin like this before.
"well..." seokjin pauses for a second before whispering so quietly like its a secret, "apparently they're dating."
jimin gasps and covers his mouth with his non beer free hand and taehyung snickers. hoseoks eyes practically pop out of his head too because he can barely believe it...two girls dating? it's not like it's unheard of or anything but in gwanju? it's highly unlikely and probably as nonexistent as hoseoks love life. until now.
jimin sets his beer down on the carpeted floor and hoseok with half the mind makes a grab for it to move it onto the table so it doesn't fall over and make a mess onto jimins basement floor. the last thing he wants is the parks to be angry at them for making a mess.
"Woah woah woah back up a second and tell us how you of all people know that information? I didn't know they were...like that?" jimin questions eagerly.
seokjin laughs and he says, "yeah I didn't know either till I caught them kissing each other behind the bleachers after the basketball game. It was fucking weird but like, sort of hot at the same time."
taehyung and jimin squeak punching seokjin in the shoulder playfully with wide eyes. "Oh my god that is so weird! Don't say stuff like that! Someone could hear!"
hoseok rolls his eyes, "jimin your parents aren't even home the only ones hearing this conversation is us."
"Whatever, I'm just saying! It's a touchy subject" jimin defensively says.
for whatever reason this topic makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't want to keep talking about it. he's about to bring up the fact that he's passing all his classes again and how his parents are disappointed that he's not a straight A student, when seokjin butts in again.
"I mean at least it's not two boys right? That would be like, way weirder. If you think about Mina and soo Jung it's kind of hot."
jimin and taehyung all collectively nod their heads in agreement both a making a sort of pained expression.
hoseok stays silent. jimin speaks again, "I mean if it was two guys it would be like wayyy weirder and...gay" its like its poison on jimins lips and if he says it any louder then a whisper then something bad will happen. it doesn't sit well in hoseoks his stomach. his heart is beating so fast out of his chest that he's not sure if it will burst and he wouldn't be surprised if it did. he can't stop the clenching of his teeth and he doesn't even notice he's subconsciously got his hands in fists.
seokjin notices that hoseok has been unusually quiet during their conversation. "hoseok stop looking at me like that it's creeping me out."
hoseok clears his throat and unclenches his hands spreading his fingers out. only a few seconds ago It's like he wasn't even there with them, he was just listening to them and now he's aware he's around other people and realizes he probably looked so creepy. "Sorry," he laughs a little to release tension pent up in his body. "yeah i just wanna know why is it okay if it's two girls but not okay if two guys? Isn't it practically the same thing?"
"Well it's not really the same thing if you think about it," seokjin slowly states looking at jimin to help clarify what he means. "it just is. Wouldn't you more uncomfortable if you saw two guys? Disgusting right?"
he hates this and he doesn't want to talk about it so he agrees with them. why wouldn't he agree with them anyway?
"Yeah that's true...I would be disgusted."
hoseok doesn't pay attention to the tv shows they put on the rest of the night. it's like he's disconnected from the world and he doesn't really want to face why he's acting like this. he feels sick in his stomach the whole night but he tries to brush it off. it'll be okay in the morning. they'll all forget about it in the morning.
***
hoseok is 17 and he's hardly changed his appearance over the years but he finally gets his first kiss by jisoo the night of prom.
hoseok touches his lips after she drops him off at his house, driving off in her little car. he's sitting on the steps of his house not really ready to go inside yet. his mom is probably waiting for him. they had kissed, made out, whatever you call it, for almost 10 minutes.
hoseok probably kissed her wrong because he didn't feel sparks fly or the sky open up or a want for more. he didn't want her like that and he just desperately wishes he did. why can't he just be normal and kiss girls and love it like everyone else in his grade. he considers he just hasn't found the right girl, but deep down inside he has a sinking feeling that that's not it. he doesn't really know what it is. there are bigger problems in the world and of all things hoseoks worried about why he can't feel girls like everyone says they do. his mind almost jumps to the next conclusion but he doesn't let it. he won't. He is not gay and he never will be and that's a whole new can of worms to open at 12:30pm. he stands up from the steps, brushing the little trail of dirt left on his suit pants left from the stairs. he opens the door to his house going up to his bedroom not even bothering to see if his mom was up waiting, immediately collapsing on his bed.
---
"You know," his mother remarks "you and that jisoo girl would be such a cute couple! i was looking through your prom photos after you left last night and just couldn't help but imagine you two together!"
hoseoks eating his breakfast when he gets an earful of questions about prom from his mother. he truly doesn't want to answer them but he does. "Nah, we're just friends. We don't like each other like that."
his mother tuts her tongue, seemingly not believing him. "Well is there any girl that you like at school? I feel like there's someone out there you're not telling me about!"
his voice is loud, louder then he means it to be, "no mom! I'm not interested in any of the girls at school and I will never be!" he's almost shouting at her. his mom is taken aback and it goes uncharacteristically quiet throughout the house besides the little fan spinning on the kitchen counter.
"Okay okay, I know you kids don't like it when moms get curious. i won't bring it up again," she defensively says holding her spatula up.
he doesn't know what's happening to him and why he's so angry all the time and he hates that he just yelled at his mom. "No it's fine, I'm sorry mom I'm just tired."
It goes silent as he finishes his breakfast.
---
it's almost the end of hoseoks junior year and he can hardly believe he's going to be a senior soon. he's not ready to grow up yet. he doesn't really see his group of friends anymore. they drifted apart over the past year for no reason. he wasn't too cut up about it though because he wasn't close with any of them.
all he really wants is a Bestfriend he was close with. he just desires someone he can talk with his filter completely off so he can just be himself. he wants to laugh with a bestfriend that he can tell anything too, and he craves to feel close to someone. lately he feels so so lonely. it's the worst feeling ever.
he knows better then to complain because his mom is busting her butt everyday to provide all she can for him. his mom loves him so much and does everything she can for him to be happy. he decides he should be grateful with what he has. his mom had finally bought them a house that they could really live in after leaving their old apartment complex. she was slowly making a bit more money and he wasn't embarrassed anymore to walk into his house when he had friends over. well, it didn't matter that much anymore since he didn't have friends to invite over.
maybe he was a little bit sad he had drifted away from his old friends. he has a motto though that he tells himself, 'just grit your teeth and get through it.' people will come and go in your life an it will be okay. they're just people.
---
the sun appears more often then not in the month of june, frequently forcing him into ugly shorts because the weather is so hot. school had ended, and he had hugged seokjin on graduation night wishing him the best of luck with his future. that moment was like the official goodbye of their friendship. they had reunited that night all catching up but seokjin leaving was like the seal on the envelope.
hoseoks sitting in his room, the fan blasting, when he sees the new family moving into the house next door from his window. he briefly wonders if he should go down there and introduce himself, just so he can see what type of people they are.
"Mom I'm gonna go see the new neighbors!" he calls to his mother some where in the house while hastily putting his sneakers on. there is no response but he goes to see the new family anyways.
he knocks on the door of the blue house and waits. it opens and he's met with a boy with black hair probably around his age. "Oh hi?"
hoseok awkwardly smiles, be friendly be friendly, the mantra in his head repeating. "Hi! I'm your neighbor! I live in that house right there" he points to the house to the left. "I just wanted to say hi and welcome!" it's corny and he sounds so fake but at least he tried. the boy doesn't notice his overly fake voice and instead introduces himself. "I'm yoongi. Just moved here from dageu with my family and all..."
he smiles, although this time real. yoongi seems nice. "Oh nice to meet you! I'm Hoseok! It's nice meeting you! Is your mom or dad here?
"'Nice to meet you too Hoseok. And actually they're getting more stuff in our van to transfer to move into the house, so not right now."
"Oh okay, well it's nice meeting you! If you want me too show you around gwanju I can! I know this place like the back of my hand." hoseok says it a little bit too loud and enthusiastic and instantly regrets when this side of himself creeps it's way out. he feels like an idiot but he smiles through it.
the corners of yoongis mouth shoot up a little and he can't help the little laugh that escapes his mouth because of how cute this guy is. before yoongi can ask him how old he is hoseok jumps off the steps of his house, smiling and waving at him goodbye.
---
yoongi and hoseok quickly became friends after that. at first they were a little bit awkward because they didn't have much to talk about but they slowly warmed up to each other. hoseok was especially glad he met him because without yoongi his summer would've been so so boring.
it's august, almost the school season again, and it's blazing hot outside as yoongi and hoseok eat popcicles in the local park. almost everyday they would see each other, even if it only meant just walking outside to see him in his driveway. it's like they had clicked the moment they got to know each other. he'd never been this way with anyone and it made him feel like he was on top of the world. it was only 3 months but hoseok feels like he finally found someone who is a real friend. it grounded him and all his worries about friends and school had washed away.
***
hoseok is about to turn 18 when he realizes that he might be gay. its hardly realizing it, more of an un burying of something thats been there deep in the ground for years and years. he doesn't know much but he knows that he's absolutely terrified and the first person he needs to tell is yoongi. his bestfriend. the person he trusts with his life. he knocks on the door to yoongis house, his body slightly shaking. is he really about to do this?
deep down he knows he known for a while. he just hasn't been able to face it. he's terrified of himself and tears are starting to form in his eyes. don't cry, don't cry. just hold it together for a few more seconds.
the door swings open and he sees yoongi in pajamas and his smile immediately drops when he sees the state hoseok is in.
he obviously looks upset, so yoongi leads him up to his bedroom silently getting the message. once yoongi shuts the door to his room hoseok immediately bursts into tears. he feels yoongis hands wrap around him pulling him into a tight hug. "Hey hey what's wrong? What happened? Did someone hurt you? Tell me what's wrong Hoseok..."
sobs wrack his body as he gasps trying to force words out. he wants to stop crying but he can't because he's about to reveal his biggest secret that he hardly believes. He doesn't answer yoongi for a while until his crying starts to muffle and dwindle into little sniffles. yoongis hand is rubbing up and down his back and he un-curls himself from yoongis shoulder noticing he got his shirt all wet. he runs a hand over the shirt apologizing. "Sorry I got your shirt all wet..."
yoongi pulls him in for another hug, petting his hair. "It's okay, I don't mind" he whispers. "Not when you're like this. Tell me hoseok what's the matter?"
he knows it's now or never. hf he does this what will yoongi think? he's almost certain that it won't be a negative reaction but he can't help but reserve these few moments of normalcy before he drops the bomb.
Drops the bomb on himself.
"yoongiithinkimightbegayanditsscaringmeandivenevereventoldthattomyselfbefofeand-"
he bursts into tears again before he can finish, hiding away into yoongis shoulder even more, like it will shield him of whatever he just did. he's hiccuping and his nose is running and he knows he looks like an absolute mess but in that moment it feels like a huge barring weight was just lifted off his shoulders. he feels like he can finally breathe. yoongi takes hoseoks hands that were shaking in his and holds them while whispering against his hair the words he desperately needs to hear.
"You are so brave Hoseok. You're the bravest guy I know and you have balls to be able to tell me that piece of information that's apart of you and I love you so much and I need you to know that it's okay." hoseoks shoulders are shaking again. "I want you to know you are okay for who you are."
"I'm scared," he hiccups out. "I'm scared of myself but all I can think about how relived I feel right now and I just...can we lay here?"
yoongi smiles a little, reaching to stroke hoseoks hair again. hoseok has stopped crying and he can hear the faint birds outside chirping, singing a song, and it's fitting for the situation.
"Of course."
***
hoseok is 19, fresh out of high school, yoongi by his side on graduation night, both of them decked out in blue caps and gowns. they laugh a lot and whisper to each other silly things during the ceremony. yoongi and him are boyfriends, but they're taking it extra slow. hoseok isn't ready to tell the world yet about himself besides to yoongi, but that's okay. he has days where he's upset about his sexuality but it's getting better. sometimes his palms will sweat when he's in public because all he wants to do is hold hands with his boyfreind. hoseok smiles wide because he really likes the word. boyfreind. it's new to him but it makes him feel fuzzy inside.
nothing much really changed since he's known yoongi. they're still best friends, and newly boyfreinds. hoseok is the same overly expressive guy that smiles and gets sad but now it's different because it's the most liberating thing in the world to be able to accept himself for who he really is. he doesn't have to hide anymore. he's in nirvana and hoseok wouldn't have it any other way.