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In another lifetime, falling in love with Delphine would be easy.
Cosima thinks about it sometimes, when the lab work is slow and unfruitful and the furrow of Delphine's brow becomes too much to bear. She doesn't really believe in the idea of infinite alternate universes where every conceivable eventuality really happens, but the idea has a certain appeal.
In this other lifetime, the one where everything is uncomplicated, where human clones are an impossibility and monitors don't exist, Cosima would meet Delphine in college. Cosima would be a sophomore still so giddy about science she hadn't chosen a path yet, and Delphine would be the TA in Cosima's immunology class. Every damn kid in the class would have a crush on the hot French TA but Delphine would only have eyes for Cosima. Cosima's biggest worry in life would be the rumors Scott would spread about how her grades were only that high because of who she was banging, but there is no universe where Cosima can't put Scott in his place.
Or maybe they would meet in Paris, because Delphine would have no cause to come to the States in this lifetime where the DYAD Institute didn't exist. When Cosima goes travelling after her undergrad degree was finished she would meet Delphine there, maybe a chance encounter at a little cafe, and they'd spend a summer eating brioche and kissing under the stars.
"Cosima." Delphine nudges her back into the present, the too-bright lab and the microscope that's starting to blur in front of her. "Are you tired? We can leave it here for the night."
"No, no, it's fine." The work needs to be done, and Cosima would rather be here than in her bed, failing to sleep.
"What were you thinking about?" Delphine says softly. This is how Delphine talks to Cosima now, ever since she sold her soul to DYAD for a lab full of equipment and a fake promise of peace. She talks to Cosima gently, like she's frightened of startling her, frightened of setting her off. Like she wants to prove that she can trusted, and the only tools she has are kind words.
Cosima huffs out a sigh. "Nothing. Nothing, I just... this life, you know? Us. I mean, do you ever think about what we'd be like if things were normal?"
For a moment Delphine seems to weigh her words; maybe she's thinking that if things were normal, if this fucked up cloning experiment never happened, then Delphine would be back in France, happily living her life, and Cosima wouldn't even exist. Which is totally true.
Eventually, Delphine speaks. "I try just to think about what we can do to make this life better."
"Yeah, but like..." Cosima stops herself. Maybe Delphine doesn't think about these things, about clumsy college romances or chance meetings in the Paris rain.
"Maybe things will be normal one day," Delphine says in her new, indulgent voice, and Cosima just laughs bitterly.
"Sure. That'll happen. I'm barely convinced I'll even live to see next year, but sure, let's pretend that someday this will all have disappeared and I'll be able to live in peace."
"Sorry," Delphine says, and Cosima sighs again because it's not really Delphine that she's mad at--even though she was, and she probably should be more than she is. "I do wish things were different. Of course I do." She takes Cosima's hand and cups it gently in both of her own.
It's a while since they've touched, Cosima realizes--since they've really touched, just because they want to, not in their new roles as doctor and patient, scientist and subject. Not since the night at Felix's when they learned about the patent and everything came crashing down. Since then, Delphine had learned not to touch Cosima, had begun to anticipate the flinch that always came, and somehow in the weeks between Cosima had started to miss that instinctive touch without even realizing it.
Her brain still knows full well that that touch can't be trusted, no matter how much she wishes otherwise, but as Cosima sits there in the cold lab silently holding hands with Delphine she can't make herself care about that. She leans closer to Delphine, pressing their foreheads together just for a moment, taking strength from her presence. When she opens her eyes and leans back a bit, she sees a hint of a smile on Delphine's face.
"I miss..." Cosima says, but she can't get the words out and instead she just kisses Delphine, softly at first, bringing her hand to Delphine's jaw. They break apart and Delphine's eyes are still closed; after a moment they flutter open, and Cosima wonders why she ever denied herself this.
They come together again, harder this time, and Cosima pours all of her frustration and bitterness and fear into the kiss, allows herself to get lost in the feeling of Delphine's mouth on hers. She kisses Delphine because right now she can't think of a single compelling reason why she shouldn't--and okay, the deceit, the betrayal, she hasn't forgotten a single second of how that felt, but right now, for the first time, that feels like it's in the past.
And if it's not, well, Cosima doesn't have much future left anyway.
She fists her hands in Delphine's hair, pulling her closer, wanting all of her, wanting so desperately to pretend that they're anywhere but here, that their lives are anything but this. Cold reality pushes at the edge of her consciousness but she tamps it down, narrowing her focus to the smoothness of Delphine's cheek under her palm, the insistent push of her tongue, the grip of Delphine's hands on her neck.
After a moment Delphine breaks the kiss, but she doesn't pull away far; she rests her forehead against Cosima's, eyes still closed, and says, "Are you sure this is what you want?"
It might not be the smart thing--Cosima knows she'll never be able to completely trust Delphine the way she wants to--and in this lifetime, it's never going to be easy. But Delphine is all she has right now and maybe, just maybe, she can be enough.