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It’s a slow night.
Warm and slightly stuffy, the heat of the day still lingering in the air, but in a way that is bearable. People are still on the streets, talking and laughing together, making the most of a summer weekend. Jimin walks past groups of friends hysterically laughing about something that is probably not that funny, walks past parents talking to each other while their kids run around them, squealing excitedly at whatever game they seem to be playing right now.
Everything seems easy and light-hearted and Jimin thinks that he could probably, possibly throw up. He doesn’t even know what he’s feeling. Maybe dread. Maybe fear. Maybe some kind of bizarre excitement.
By the time he reaches the end of the street, he’s certain that he is going to throw up. Looking at the house in front of him, a house just like all the others in this village, he wonders if he could just turn around at this point. Turn around and walk back home, tell his mom that Taehyung wasn’t feeling well and telling Taehyung that he wasn’t feeling well. It seems like a great option when he walks past the driveway. It seems like a wonderful decision when he finds himself in front of the door.
Jimin’s finger hovers over the button to ring the doorbell and he thinks that he can do it. He can still turn around and walk, no run, back home. He can lie to his mom and lie to Taehyung. He can escape whatever kind of hell he had brought upon himself when he had sent his best friend a very brave (stupid) text this morning.
(Do you have time to talk tonight? I need to tell you something.)
He closes his eyes and lets his hand fall down. He can’t do this. Jimin knows that there’s no way to back out again as soon as he enters that house. He wouldn’t be able to come up with something else to talk about, Taehyung would see right through him. He can’t lie to Taehyung. The only way he had been able to hide something from him for this long was by not accepting that there was something to hide.
Denial, Namjoon had said.
Jimin wishes he was still in denial. If he was, he wouldn’t have woken up with this scary feeling of bravery (stupidity) this morning, wouldn’t have asked Taehyung if he was free to talk. Wouldn’t have thought that he could do this.
Because he can’t. He just can’t.
He takes a step backward, thinking about all the possible excuses he could give to Taehyung for not showing up. Per text, of course. Jimin can’t lie to Taehyung in any other way.
The door opens.
“Jiminie!”
Taehyung stands there, in the doorway. In baggy shorts and a loose, washed-out shirt that shows off his collarbones and Jimin is wondering how he hasn’t thrown up yet.
“T- Tae,” he croaks. He looks at Taehyung, looks at his best friend, and he knows, it’s too late. He can’t back out.
“What are you doing, just standing there? Are you okay? You look...pale.”
Taehyung looks him up and down. Jimin tries not to think about the way his gaze makes him feel.
“I’m okay,” he says and he’s surprised to hear how okay he actually sounds. He’s almost kind of impressed with himself.
Taehyung opens his mouth, closes it and opens it again.
And says: “Well, come inside then.”
Jimin walks through the doorway, knowing that he won’t be able to lie to Taehyung.
"Jimin. What the hell."
Jimin sits on Taehyung's bed, shoulders tense and hands clammy. Taehyung is sprawled out next to him, legs propped up against the wall, head turned to the side to look at him. Jimin sees the way his shorts ride up his legs, sees the smooth, tanned skin of his thighs and gulps. He wishes denial was still a thing in his life. It was a lot more peaceful than this.
Taehyung pokes him in the ribs and Jimin can't help but squeak nervously at the sudden touch, feeling as if he had been caught staring. He doesn't even know why he worries. Taehyung is not bothered by friends looking at him in an appreciative way- he does it himself. Jimin has lost count of the number of times Taehyung has complimented him on his butt long ago. Or maybe he hasn't, maybe he remembers every single time Taehyung has ever complimented him on anything.
He's not proud of that.
And he's not proud of his reply to Taehyung's attempts to speak with him either.
"Ehm."
Jimin knows Taehyung's going to ask soon. Ask what he wanted to talk about. He wishes he wouldn't, wishes Taehyung could ignore any awkwardness and revert to their usual topics.
"What did you want to talk about?" Taehyung's legs are still propped up against the wall. His hair is splayed out around his face. He looks kind of ridiculous, but also kind of beautiful. Jimin thinks about whether or not he can still make a run for it now.
"Ah yes. Talking," he coughs, in a poor attempt to gain some time. He's not sure what he's doing, which seems to be the motto of today. Or, of the last months. Or, of his life.
"Talking," Taehyung responds dryly, but continues in a softer tone: "I'm not sure, but your text sounded kind of serious when I read it? Whatever it is, you don't have to be scared to tell me."
He lets his legs slide down the wall and sits up properly. His shoulder is pressing into Jimin's. They are sitting close to each other, which is not new. They're always close. They cuddle, sometimes. Often. Taehyung's affectionate and touchy. Not long ago, Jimin thought he was just indulging Taehyung. Now, he knows he was indulging himself.
Taehyung slings his arms around Jimin's shoulder and Jimin unconsciously leans into the touch.
"We're best friends, right, Jiminie? You don't have to worry."
Taehyung's voice is quiet, soft. He sounds worried and god, Jimin must look like a mess for Taehyung to realize that something is very very wrong with him without him saying more than 20 words in the time he's been at his house. That or Taehyung just knows him.
Jimin's not sure what's worse.
"Best friends," he repeats slowly. "Yeah."
It hurts. Taehyung is being so wonderful, so caring and he's Jimin's best friend, he's been for years. He's the best friend Jimin has ever had and probably ever will have. There are few things in this world that Jimin treasures as much as their friendship and it hurts because he doesn't know if they will be able to stay like this if he goes out and says it now. It hurts because he's scared of losing Taehyung, of losing his best friend, just because he's desperately, hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him.
Jimin is scared to lose what they have, yet knows that he will not be able to keep this up for any longer. He's bad at lying to everyone and he's especially bad at lying to Taehyung.
It's not going to work, living like this. Seeing Taehyung every day, at school, after school, on weekdays, on weekends. At the barbecues that Taehyung's dad loves to organize every other Sunday. At the park, where they meet up with Namjoon and pretend to do schoolwork.
Seeing Taehyung curled up and fast asleep next to him after a movie night.
Jimin's so grateful, for Taehyung to be in his life like this and he should be content. But he isn't, he is not content, he's weak and bad at lying and he doesn't think he can continue. Not like this.
"Okay," Jimin says.
He turns to look at Taehyung, who lets his arm fall down from his shoulder, only to rest his hands on the small of Jimin's back. Jimin barely suppresses a shiver and kind of can't believe that Taehyung hasn't caught on by now. He's hardly subtle.
Taehyung looks back at him, eyes dark and warm and open. Jimin loves his eyes.
"I need to tell you something," he starts and Taehyung just nods encouragingly, showing him to continue.
"I've been confused for a while now. Really confused, for weeks, or months. I'm not sure. It took me a while to realize what was happening-," he interrupts himself to catch his breath as if he's been running. He has been running, sort of. Running away, maybe. Now he's stopped and his lungs hurt and his heart is beating way too fast.
"-but I know now," he finishes his sentence.
Taehyung just stares at him, with a look that he can't quite comprehend. Worry? Understanding? He has no idea.
Taehyung nods again.
Jimin opens his mouth, knowing he's passed the point of return. He's rubbing his sweaty palms on the fabric of his shorts. His heart is racing in his chest and he feels sick, but he can't stop now. He just has to get it over with.
He's in love with Kim Taehyung and Kim Taehyung deserves to know. No matter what.
"I don't want it to get weird between us and that's why I'm so scared, I just-" he gasps for air- "don't want to lose you, you're my best friend, Tae, and you have been for years but I've realized that I'm in love with you, and I don't know what to do. I've been trying to forget about it, trust me, I wish I could just forget about it and not let these dumb...feelings destroy what we have but I- I can't."
He closes his eyes the second he finishes speaking. His heart is still racing and his hands are still sweaty.
It's silent. A few moments pass.
Jimin blinks and opens his eyes to find Taehyung staring at him, in a way he's never been stared at by anyone before and it is partly scary, partly exhilarating and mostly just very intense. For a second, he forgets about his fear and his racing heart.
Then, Taehyung coughs and the fear is back again.
"You're in love with me," Taehyung begins and Jimin doesn't know what to make of the grin on his face.
"Y-yes," he answers and all of a sudden feels oddly calm. It is cathartic. Taehyung knows now. There's no going back and it's terrifying and Taehyung still hasn't really said anything, but it's also good. It's weird.
"You're in love with me," Taehyung mumbles, less to Jimin and more to himself. "Are you sure?"
"Am I sure?" Jimin splutters. "Yes, I'm fucking sure, it's not like I've been daydreaming about kissing you for what feels like an eternity."
The thing with Taehyung and him is that he's always been able to share what has been on his mind. No limits. No awkwardness. Which is normally a good thing, but has also been a struggle in the past months. And now. Because even though he just confessed to Taehyung, he doesn't want him to know everything. Yet.
"Kissing me?" Taehyung asks again and Jimin is fed up, now more frustrated than anxious because Taehyung doesn't seem to be angry or sad, he's just acting really dumb right now. It's frustrating because Jimin just wants a clear response and because Taehyung is weirdly cute when he is being like that and Jimin just wants to kiss the confusion out of him.
"Yes," he sighs and he feels Taehyung's gaze on him as he is determined to look anywhere but the person he just confessed to.
It's silent again. Jimin tries to concentrate on the colors of Taehyung's bedsheets as he waits for an answer.
"Why don't you do it?"
Jimin lifts his head to look at Taehyung, who is grinning from one ear to another.
"What?"
"Kissing me."
Jimin feels like he's not understanding something.
"Kissing you."
He breathes out.
"Yes."
"Would you want that? Me, kissing you?"
"Yes."
Jimin's heart starts racing again, but this time for a completely different reason. He stares at Taehyung's lips and Taehyung's grin widens even more if that is even possible.
"Okay."
His mind hasn't caught up with the situation as he leans forward.
His brain is reeling when he can see Taehyung leaning in.
His thoughts are screaming when their lips touch.
Taehyung wraps his hands around Jimin's neck and pulls him closer and it's soft but fierce at the same time. Jimin doesn't know how that works. Jimin doesn't know what is happening. He doesn't know what he's doing but for the first time that day, it's not bad.
Kissing Taehyung feels better than all of his daydreams combined and it's overwhelming, but the good kind of overwhelming. The kind that leaves you happily out of breath.
Taehyung pulls back from their kiss after a few moments pass, seconds, minutes, Jimin doesn’t even know but he’s still disappointed. Taehyung hugs him instead. Which is nice too.
What is even nicer are the words that Taehyung whispers in his ear as he holds him.
"You're my best friend and I'm in love with you too."