Work Text:
He wasn’t going to lie, he was a little hurt that Ryuji went to Ann first about his crush before he came to Akira. Granted Ryuji didn’t exactly mean for either of them to find out, but still, Ann knew first. Was it because Akira wasn’t a good enough friend? Was Ann and Ryuji’s bond stronger than his and Ryuji’s just because they knew each other longer? Was that it? Ryuji was Akira’s first and best friend, and perhaps Ryuji needed him to be a better friend. Perhaps he wanted Akira to be more supportive, more understanding of him and his feelings.
When he pulled up a link to stream the movie Cars 2 with a notebook in hand, Akira’s sole intent was to get a better perspective of Ryuji. This was his first time ever seeing the film and he was willing to analyze it frame by frame, if necessary, to help him comprehend Ryuji and his feelings. If this was what Ryuji needed, then Akira was willing to be the best friend he could be and do it.
0:00:49 - The Disney opening has just played and the letter ‘I’ has just been murdered by a lamp… now we get to see the first talking car. These things look nothing like Morgana, but I suppose the sentiment is essentially the same. You know, sentient vehicles and what not. The film appears to have something to do with secret missions? Maybe that’s how Ryuji is relating it to us? Who knows.
0:01:48 - Oh, so this universe has talking boats too. Maybe Ryuji is relating it back to Captain Kidd somehow? It’s a possibility.
0:02:31 - What the fuck? How did that car even get to that other boat? They were so far apart! And how is he sticking to the side of that boat? What the fuck? Also can they not feel? Because I feel like I would be able to feel something as heavy as a car clinging to my backside. Also what’s up with all the oil rigs flaming in the middle of the oceans? Are those alive too? Where does this film draw the line of what’s animate and what’s not?
0:03:10 - Is this like James Bond… but with cars? Maybe Ryuji is just into spies, and since Morgana does spy like things and that’s why? No, that doesn’t make sense, we’re all sneaking around… Guess I gotta keep watching.
0:04:49 - Interesting, they also have car compactors in this universe too. That’s kind of messed up, not going to lie. We just saw a corpse… In a children’s film. Not to mention guns and serious weapons. Why on earth is Ryuji into this?
0:05:05 - Fascinating, so the cranes are also sentient in this universe. WAIT DID WE JUST WATCH A CAR DIE ON SCREEN??? This is so intense for a children’s film!
0:06:11 - Are blow torches the Cars universe equivalent of a knife, or are they actual blowtorches? Also, how are they holding these things??? What’s happening?
0:07:08 - SHIT DID THEY JUST BLOW UP THE PROTAGONIST??? IN THE FIRST SEVEN MINUTES???
0:07:24 - Never mind, false alarm, he’s just playing dead and shapeshifting into a submarine car thing. I wonder if Morgana can do that? Doubt it. Bet Ryuji would really like that though. Also. Why does a car need a breathing device? It’s a car. It doesn’t breathe. What is this movie?
0:07:47 - Who the fuck is this buck toothed idiot car? Don’t tell me he’s the actual protagonist… is he? IS HE THE ONE THAT MADE RYUJI REALIZE HE WAS GAY??? What the fuck Ryuji?
0:09:13 - Is this rusty towtruck into that racecar? Is there homosexuality in this film? If so, that’s very progressive on Disney’s part.
0:11:47 - Oh… Never mind… the racecar has a girlfriend. RIP the third wheeling towtruck.
0:15:25 - That tow truck actually does remind me of Ryuji. No wonder he likes this film.
0:17:10 - Did that racecar just say ‘ka-chow’? Is he why Ryuji has been saying that lately??? Oh god… is he the one that made Ryuji realize he was gay??? What the fuck? No wait, I need to be supportive …. But still. What the fuck ?
0:17:44 - “Mator, how would you like to come and see the world with me?” That was the gayest sentence I’ve ever heard. Those two are so in love. Wait, am I doing the thing Futaba calls ‘shipping’??? Shit. I need to stop this. At once. Oh god, he just said ‘ka-chow’ again. Yep. He’s definitely the one that made Ryuji realize he was gay.
0:23:31 - Oh look, Spy Car is back, and now there’s also a lady spy car. Neat. Where is this going?
0:25:22 - Oh god. Is he going to eat all that wasabi… by itself??? He’s going to ruin his racecar boyfriend’s reputation for sure. This is not going to go well at all. Also. The racecar has to stop saying ‘ka-chow’. It’s annoying. Also. Ryuji has to stop saying ‘ka-chow’. It’s a tainted phrase now that I know where it’s from. I can’t believe he realized he was in love because of this red car. I can’t believe my best friend is a car fucker. I hate everything.
0:25:33 - … Right… Racecar’s team brings ‘professionalism’ to this race. Let’s just see how Towtruck messes this up…
0:25:43 - Fucking called it.
0:26:32 - The towtruck is like a puppy. A completely moronic overexcited puppy. It’d be cute if he weren’t so annoying. Huh. I also just described Ryuji. Huh.
0:28:07 - First off: there is a surprisingly intense fight scene in the restroom. This is a children’s film, this is way more violent than it should be. Were the characters in this humans, this would probably have a completely different rating. Second off: WHY IS THERE A CAR WASH IN THE RESTROOM??? Is this really what Americans think Japan is like?
0:29:41 - Oh god… Are they actually going to believe that Towtruck is a super spy? I can’t handle this. Ryuji, why????
0:30:17 - God. He’s such an idiot. I can’t believe he thinks the lady spy car is into him. I can’t believe Ryuji likes this film. God.
0:31:29 - … Are we watching a torture interrogation scene in a children’s movie??? Also, the real American spy car just made a savage ‘your mom’ joke. Why couldn’t the towtruck have this level of wit? Why is he the protagonist? God. I hate everything.
0:32:38 - WE JUST WITNESSED AN ACTUAL MURDER!!! THE ACTUAL AMERICAN SUPER SPY CAR LITERALLY JUST BLEW THE FUCK UP!!! HOW IS THIS MOVIE FOR KIDS???
0:40:21 - Of course there’s a huge misunderstanding. Of course there’s major discourse between Towtruck and his boyfriend because no one would believe this idiot is a spy, or that he has a pretty lady spy car talking to him. Of course the tension between the two lovers will probably last until the climax of the film when towtruck saves the fucking day. How original.
0:45:45 - Two things: One. How is it possible to be so dumb that you don’t realize that you’re being shot at, or not notice a fucking explosion? Two. How can they possibly think that he’s still the secret agent? I swear to god, if they don’t realize this stupid rusted tow truck isn’t actually a super spy until the end of the film, or at least until he confesses, I’m going to flip a table.
0:48:20 - So he’s only just realizing they’re spies??? Wow. Even Ryuji is smarter than that. I almost feel bad for comparing the two. Almost.
1:00:53 - Was that the Pope… As a car… In the Popemobile … which is also a sentient car? Weird…
1:03:20 - Okay, even Ryuji acknowledges that he can be an idiot… Like how does Towtruck not know he’s stupid? I would pity him if Mr. Spy Car wasn’t simply being honest for calling him an idiot. Though the Spy Car wasn’t much better since he still has not realized that Towtruck wasn’t acting, but he was still being honest.
1:08:26 - That’s a pretty dastardly plot for a children’s film, filling the world will fear and paranoia over alternative fuels in order to sell your gasoline. Quite clever really, and honestly more realistic than some other films’ villainous plots. Bet we could change that car’s heart. Would a car even have a Palace? Hmm…
1:12:46 - I’m surprised he oh so conveniently managed to escape. Wish we could have that kind of luck on our side. I don’t think even Chihaya could grant us that…
1:14:28 - Okay, so he got caught, guess his fortune can’t last him forever. Also, he’s a car, how does sleeping gas even work on him? Also also, I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to have a moment of introspection and realize the fault in his ways, though I’m even more surprised he’s even capable of having one.
1:15:27 - Oh wow. He’s tied up in a clock tower now. How totally unheard of. Never seen before. Ever. Not cliche at all . Christ. How the fuck did Ryuji have a sexual awakening to this? I’m shook.
1:16:25 - HOLY SHIT, I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS RIGHT! THEY HAD NO CLUE HE WASN’T A SPY UNTIL HE HAD TO FUCKING TELL THEM!!! I hate fucking everything .
1:16:58 - Rip. I can’t believe Girlfriend Car showed up to watch Racecar get murdered. At this point I wouldn’t even be surprised if Racecar dies. This movie has been such a trip that literally anything goes.
1:19:12 - They stuck a bomb in Racecar’s pit??? That’s actually pretty intense. I’m still stunned that Disney is allowing such violence in their films.
1:21:58 - Holy shit, what the fuck Disney??? They planted the bomb on Towtruck??? That’s messed up.
1:22:19 - God. This is so fucking stupid. Towtruck is trying to tell Racecar to stay away in order to protect him, but Racecar thinks it’s about him hurting Towtruck’s feelings earlier in the film? This is so stupid. DOES ANYONE THINK IN THIS FILM??? God.
1:22:39 - “You don’t get it, I’m the bomb.” “Yes Mator, you are the bomb!” SDFGHJKL HOW IS EVERYONE SO DUMB IN THIS, I CAN’T. WHAT THE FUCK RYUJI??? Also. Wow. This is so gay. Maybe Disney’s openness with this blatantly homosexual pairing allowed Ryuji to open up about his feelings and realize it’s okay to feel what he’s been feeling all along. Either that, or Ryuji is a really fucked up person. It’s probably the latter.
1:26:17 - I agree with the evil car, are they really all so dense???
1:28:09 - Okay Racecar, that’s sweet and all, you know, telling the Towtruck to keep being himself and not to tell himself THE FUCKING TRUTH about him being an idiot, BUT NOW IS SERIOUSLY NOT THE TIME!!! THERE’S A FUCKING BOMB STILL FUCKING ON HIM!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE SUPER CHEESY AND GAY.
1:31:26 - Towtruck solving the case made no sense. It was all on a whim. Pure luck was how he solved the damned thing. Towtruck is too dumb to have figured it out, and that was barely a hunch or a solid reason to believe it was the British alternative fuel car. Fuck it, this whole film was too convenient. What fucking ever .
1:32:27 - I can’t fucking believe the Towtruck got knighted over this. By the queen of England. This is… this is so dumb. He just fucking solved one case! And he got knighted??? Fuck, why don’t we get knighted??? We’ve done way more than just get lucky that one time . This is bullshit. Fuck this. Fuck Ryuji. Fuck his stupid crush on my stupid fucking cat. FUCK!!!
1:33:39 - Yeah. I agree with everyone else, HOW THE FUCK DID TOWTRUCK OF ALL CARS GET THE SUPER COOL SMART LADY SPY CAR AS HIS GIRLFRIEND??? This movie is bullshit.
1:35:38 - … “ka-ciao” … I swear to fucking god. I hate this movie.
1:37:12 - THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND HERSELF ASKED FOR TOWTRUCK ON THE SPY’S NEXT MISSION??? THEY THINK HE’S SMART??? AND CHARMING??? WHAT. THE. F U C K???? BULLSHIT, THIS FUCKING MOVIE IS FUCKING BULLSHIT. I AM SCREAMING. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:38:20 - And it’s over… it’s finally over. Thank god.
Akira slammed his laptop shut with a tad too much force.
“Hmm? What’s wrong?” Morgana asked from where he was sleeping on Akira’s bed.
Akira sat there for a moment staring down at his laptop and the notes he just took.
“I think,” he said, his voice trembling with all too many emotions at once. “I think I might need a new best friend.”
He then buried his face in a pillow to scream.
What the fuck Ryuji?
What the actual fuck.