Chapter Text
“Are you sure you have everything you need?” Phil asked for what felt like the hundredth time that morning.
“Yes, Pappy!” Eli replied with a dramatic eyeroll.
“I saw that!” Phil yelled, even though he was in the kitchen and Eli was in the living room.
Eli’s eyes widened. “How?!”
Phil brought Eli’s lunchbox into the living room. “You forget that your dad is the master of sass,” he said as he put the lunchbox in Eli’s backpack.
“Are you talking about me?” Dan asked curiously as he entered the room.
“Pappy said you’re the master of ass.”
“Sass!” Phil corrected quickly as Dan laughed.
“That’s what I said!” Eli defended.
“Mhm. Okay, so let’s go through the checklist.”
Both Dan and Eli sighed. “Come, sit down by me. This is bound to take a while,” Dan said, sitting on the couch. Eli quickly jumped up onto his lap and Dan wrapped his arms around him.
“You have pencils?” Phil started, ignoring Dan.
“Check.”
“Paper?”
“Check.”
“An extra jacket in case you get cold?”
“Check.”
“Money for souvenirs?”
“Check.”
“A knife in case you’re mugged?” Dan joked, earning a glare from Phil and a laugh from Eli.
“ Anyway. Your lunchbox?”
“Pappy, you just put that in my backpack.”
“Toothbrush and paste in case you need it after lunch?”
“Check.”
“Phil, he’s going on a day trip,” Dan said before Phil could continue the list. “He’s going to be gone the normal amount of school hours. They’re going to a zoo. He’ll be fine.”
“Do you have your little lion? You always take that on school trips,” Phil asked.
“Yes, Pappy. I put Lonny in my backpack,” Eli whined, dropping his head back against Dan’s shoulder.
“Phil, if you keep making him check things off then he’s going to miss the bus and then we won’t be able to check the zoo off the checklist.”
Dan lifted Eli up under his arms and had him stand up so Dan could stand as well.
“This is his first time going without one of us, Dan. We won’t be able to fix his problems.” Phil replied, putting his hands on his hips. “Do you remember how to tie your shoes?”
“Pappy, I’m six. Almost seven.”
“And if you have to go to the bathroom, you’ll let someone know?”
“Yes.”
“Come on,” Dan said, picking up Eli’s backpack. “Let’s head for the door slowly and maybe Pappy will be done by the time we reach it.”
“Doubt it,” Eli mumbled.
“Hey, I heard that!” Phil exclaimed, following behind.
“I’m going to walk him to the bus stop, then I’ll be back,” Dan said, turning to give Phil a small kiss.
“Okay. Be safe, both of you.”
“We don’t even have to cross the street, Pappy,” Eli said as Phil got down on his knees for a hug.
“I know,” Phil replied, squeezing Eli tight. “Oh, do you have your disposable camera for pictures?”
“Check!” Eli exclaimed, pulling back from Phil’s hug. “I’ll take pictures of all the animals for you and Daddy.”
“I can’t wait to see them. Have your teacher take some pictures of you too.”
“I will.”
Dan opened the door, putting his hand on Eli’s back to lead him out.
“Love you forever!” Phil called out with a wave.
Eli looked back at him with a smile, “Love you for always, Pappy!” He said, waving back.
Phil took a deep breath and closed the door. Their little boy was growing up, and he did not feel ready.
“Okay, now that we’re away from Pappy, are you sure you have everything you need?” Dan asked.
“Ugh! Yes, Daddy. I have everything.”
“Draw some pictures of what you see on the way, okay? We need some new ones to put on the fridge.”
“I will.”
“And if that little rat, Tommy, bothers you, tell him to fu- tell a teacher,” Dan quickly fixed.
“I will, Daddy.”
They reached the bus stop as the bus approached. “Just in time! Remember I’m picking you up today so don’t get on the bus home.”
“Okay. I love you for always,” Eli said, giving Dan a quick hug around the waist.
Dan put his arms around him and patted his back, smiling at the excitement he could feel radiating off of Eli.
“If you need anything, tell a teacher, okay? Love you forever.”
Then, Eli was running off to his bus, waving at his friends as he climbed up the steps.
Dan let out a sigh as the bus drove off, waving at the bus until he knew Eli couldn’t see him anymore.
Katie, one of the mom’s from the neighborhood, walked over to Dan at the bus stop. “You’re not going on the class trip?” She asked Dan as they began walking back to their houses.
“No, not this time. Phil and I both have a lot of work to do at home.” He paused, “That’s not true. Eli kept hinting that he wanted to go alone, so we decided it was time.”
“How’s Phil taking it?” She asked with a knowing smile.
Dan laughed, “We almost missed the bus if that tells you anything.”
Katie nodded and laughed. “Well, tell him I said hi. And tell him it doesn’t get easier. This is the third time Jenny has gone alone and I’m going to go to work and worry for the rest of the day.”
Dan groaned. “Oh God, Phil’s going to be pacing the floors until three o’clock.”
Katie laughed, then turned to head toward her house. “I’ll see you tomorrow!” She said with a wave.
“Bye!”
“How was he?” Phil asked the second Dan opened the door.
“He was fine,” Dan reassured him. “He couldn’t wait to get on the bus.”
Phil took a deep breath. “This is a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be,” he said, sitting down on the couch. “I thought sending him off to school for the first time was bad, but I think this is worse.”
Dan came and sat down beside him, putting an arm around Phil’s back. “He’ll be fine, Phil. He always is. He dealt with the first day of school a lot better than we did.”
“Yeah, we cried all day and he came home with a new love for loud musical instruments,” Phil remembered with a laugh.
“And then we cried some more,” Dan joked.
Phil leaned his head onto Dan’s shoulder. “He’ll really be fine?”
Dan nodded. “He’ll be fine.”
Phil and Dan decided to spend the day making a video about their worries over Eli going on a school trip alone.
Since they had come out eight years ago, their lives had changed rather quickly. They had told the world about them because they wanted to buy a house, and they wanted to adopt a child. They were ready to grow up and be parents, even though pieces of them would be forever juvenile.
That’s why they continued making videos. They still loved doing it, and their YouTube career only kept growing once they started talking about their family life.
They were very cautious of Eli being on camera. He wasn’t seen on a video until he got up older, and even then his presence was limited. They would only film with him when they needed him for a reenactment, and Eli loved it. “He was born to entertain,” Dan would say.
Eli never went to conventions, even though fans wanted him there. He wanted to go, but neither Dan nor Phil were willing to let him. He needed to just be a child for now and not worry about anything else.
Once Dan and Phil had finished filming their “Letting Him Go (To the Zoo)” video, they sat on the couch and caught up on some TV shows that were not exactly family friendly.
“What time is it?” Phil asked.
“Just past one.”
“Oh.”
“Stop worrying, Phil,” Dan said, reaching over and taking his hand.
“I’m not. I’m just wondering the time.”
“Only one hour and fifty-three minutes to go,” Dan replied.
Phil looked over at him and smiled. “Ha! And you think I’m worried?”
“Shut up, you dick,” Dan replied, giving Phil’s hand a squeeze. “When are you going to edit that video?”
Phil shrugged. “I think I’ll wait until I have the pictures Eli took so I can add them to it.”
“That’ll be nice.”
“Yeah.”
They fell into a comfortable silence again, both wishing time would go by a little faster.
“You should’ve let me drive,” Phil said from the passenger seat.
“If I let you drive, we wouldn’t be there until tomorrow.”
“We won’t be there until Thursday at this rate.”
“It’s not even three yet, we’re fine.”
“It’ll be three in two minutes and we’re ten minutes away.”
Dan reached over and poked Phil’s cheek. “Stop stressing, you spoon.”
“Eli’s going to be waiting and wondering why we aren’t there.”
“Eli will be too busy with his friends to even care about us not being there. See, his friends will still be there because not everyone shows up exactly at three o’clock.”
Phil slumped back in his seat, crossing his arms. “I’m just saying, I could’ve taken the shortcut.”
Dan looked over at him. “You mean the shortcut that adds twenty minutes? The shortcut that made Eli late to his first day of school?”
“Hey! That shortcut might add time, but it removes traffic.”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Look, we’re about to reach a side street. I’ll just turn down it and we’ll be at the school.”
“Thank God.”
Ten minutes later they were at the school.
They knew something was wrong the moment they pulled up. The kids from Eli’s grade weren’t outside, but a ton of parents were.
Dan parked along the curb and both he and Phil quickly exited the car.
Katie immediately walked up to them both. “Have you heard?” She asked, her eyes bloodshot.
“Heard what?” Dan asked, his voice already shaking.
“Th- There was an accident. I got a call from work. Did you not get a call?”
Phil reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone. “No, nothing. What happened?”
“The bus got hit by a truck or something, I don’t know.” Tears started pouring down her cheeks. “They’re bringing the uninjured kids back here. They said for the parents to wait here and then if your child doesn’t come, then they’re a- at the hospital.”
Dan felt like his heart was going to come out of his chest. “They don’t know who’s coming back here?” He asked, his voice rising.
Katie shook her head. “No, the- they won’t tell us anything and I-” She clutched onto her chest as she began to sob.
Phil didn’t know what else to do, so he quickly put his arms around her and gave her a hug. “It’ll be okay,” he said, looking over at Dan. Dan wasn’t sure if he was talking to him, Katie, or himself.
“They’re telling us to go to the cafeteria!” A man yelled so all the parents could hear.
Everyone began making their way to the cafeteria. Some parents were yelling, others were crying, a few were trying to find news reports, and some were just silently waiting.
“Why won’t you tell us anything?!” One woman yelled once they were all inside.
The principal stood up in front of the crowd. “We currently do not have anymore information that we are sharing. We do not want to give out potentially false reports. There is a small bus of children on their way. If your child does not arrive, then you will be directed to the correct hospital.”
“Wait, I found a report on the accident!” A man yelled as he stared down at his phone.
“Sir-” The principal tried to stop him, but he cut her off.
“A large truck hit into the school bus,” He read, filtering through the pointless nonsense to get to the information. “The back of the bus appears to be fine, but the front took a hard hit. The bus driver was pronounced dead at the scene as well as-” He froze.
“As well as what?!” Someone yelled.
“Five others,” he finished, his voice quieter than before.
People started screaming and yelling. Dan and Phil looked at each other over Katie, who was crying with her head in her hands.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Phil repeated, rubbing Katie’s back. “Eli and Jenny always sit in the back,” he said, nodding at Dan, who had gone pale. “They always do, and the back was fine.”
Dan nodded, taking what he felt was the first breath since they arrived at the school.
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. They’re fine. They’re fine.”
The longest fifteen minutes of all of these families lives passed by, and the principal stood back up in the front of the room. “The bus has arrived!” She announced. “Please remain seated. Your kids will find you. We need to keep this as quick and efficient as possible.”
No one was listening by that point. They were all standing, staring at the door, waiting for their child to walk through.
Dan moved over to stand next to Phil. He, Phil, and Katie, waited, holding their breath as the first child came into view.
It wasn’t Eli.
Another child walked in. And another. And two more.
Each new child that walked in resorted in parents breaking down into happy tears.
Dan and Phil couldn’t wait until they’d get to do that.
Two more children came in. And another. And then… Jenny.
Katie burst into tears, then ran over to her and picked her up, holding onto her as tightly as she could.
Dan grabbed onto Phil’s hand. “Please, please, please,” he found himself repeating. Phil squeezed his hand tightly.
Two more kids walked into the room. And then nothing. There were still ten sets of parents without their children.
The principal stood up in front of the remaining parents. “If your child has not been released to you, they are at St. Thomas Hospital. Please go to the A&E there for more information.”
“Phil,” Dan said, his voice so small. He felt like he wasn’t able to move.
Phil looked over at him and noticed his eyes glazed over, like he had already given up hope. “Hey, hey! Look at me! He’s fine, okay? He probably got a scratch or something. He sits in the back, remember? He’s fine. Let’s go to the hospital and see him so he’s not worried, okay?”
Dan nodded, blinking rapidly to make the tears leave his eyes. “Okay. Okay.”
Phil drove to the hospital, knowing Dan would never be able to do it. Dan had given up the keys without argument.
The drive was silent, but fast. All of the cars had police escorting them to the hospital.
When they got into the A&E, a nurse was already waiting for them.
“Please, take a seat. We know you want answers and we will provide them to you as we can. Doctors will be coming out one by one to call you back so you can see you children!”
“We heard there were fatalities!” A woman exclaimed from the back. “Is that true?”
The nurse looked down and took a deep breath. “Yes, unfortunately that is true. The bus driver passed away, as did one of the chaperones, an- and five children.”
Curses, gasps, and sobs were heard all around.
Phil put his hand behind Dan’s back and led them over to a couple of chairs. “We’ll see him soon,” he reassured Dan. “We will.”
A few minutes passed before a doctor came out. “Family of Eva Jones and Caitlyn Moore!”
Two sets of parents quickly stood up, and the smile on the doctor’s face let them know that their children were okay.
A couple more minutes passed. “Family of Winnie Smith!”
Not even ten seconds after the family went back, screaming could be heard. Blood curdling screams that could only mean one thing.
“Eli always said Winnie was nice,” Dan said as he stared down at the floor.
“Family of Sarah Daniels and Julie Evans!”
Two more sets of parents stood up. This doctor had a smile on his face. Their kids were okay.
“Family of Joshua Riley!”
Another set of parents. Another smiling doctor.
Dan looked around the room. “Phil?”
“Yeah?” Phil asked, turning to look at Dan.
“Th- There’s only four.”
“Four what?”
Dan met Phil’s eyes. “Four sets of parents,” He said, already feeling the room spinning.
“That doesn’t mean anything, Dan.”
“But, Winnie is- and they said five were-”
“Dan, don’t!” Phil interrupted. His voice was deep and demanding. “They might have made a mistake. We don’t know for sure yet. He always sits in the back.”
“Phil-”
“Family of Eli Howell-Lester!” a doctor interrupted.
Phil jumped up, but Dan wasn’t so quick. He didn’t want to reach the doctor. He didn’t want to hear anything come out of the man’s mouth. This doctor wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t smiling.
The doctor led them into an office just a few steps away from the waiting room.
“Don’t,” Dan said, looking at the doctor with pleading eyes.
“Dan, let him talk,” Phil said, looking from Dan to the doctor with hopeful eyes. “He’s fine, right? He always sits in the back of the bus, and the back of the bus wasn’t hurt, so he’s fine. Right?”
The doctor stared at them both, and Dan could swear he saw tears in the man’s eyes.
“Don’t. Please, don’t,” Dan begged. The room was swaying again, and Dan knew he wouldn’t be able to stand much longer.
Thankfully, the doctor realized this and caught him under the arms as Dan began to fall.
“I’m so sorry,” The doctor said as he helped Dan onto the ground. “I’m sorry.”
Phil was breathing heavily. He hadn’t even noticed Dan fall. “What do you mean?” He asked. “What do you mean? He sits in the back of the bus. The back of the bus was fine! He’s fine!” Phil yelled.
“I can’t breathe,” Dan said, holding onto his chest. “I can’t breathe.”
“He didn’t feel any pain,” The doctor told them. His voice was so gentle, but it sounded like a knife being pierced into their body over and over. “It was instant.”
Dan closed his eyes tightly, curling his knees up to his chest. “Stop. Please, just stop,” He said, burying his face into his knees. He rocked back and forth as tears fell from his eyes.
Phil stood motionless, just staring at the wall in front of him. “He always sits in the back.”