Work Text:
1
Kirsten's in a mood, Even notes as soon as she opens up the door-- which, unfortunately, isn't anything particularly new as of late. He takes in her crossed arms and the unhappy pout on her lips and tries to reminds himself that she's thirteen, Dad! Gosh! and not very likely to appreciate his instinctual urge to cuddle her close and tickle her until she laughs and smiles again. Even raises his eyes from her and turns a questioning look at Isak, who's just come up behind her.
I'll tell you later, says Isak's expression and Even nods to him, before turning back to his daughter.
"Hi, angel," he greets, opening his arms and she bites her lip, consideringly, before giving him a small smile and stepping close and wrapping her arms around his back, her face burying against his stomach, quite almost reaching his chest.
"Hi Dad," she says and sighs and moves back only a few seconds later, much too soon if you're asking Even, but Isak's been all, she needs a little more space now that she's a teenager, Even, and he's an expert on most things, not the least of them parenting, so Even's been trying to follow his advice. It's not easy-- she's his little girl, damn it-- but he's trying.
Even moves inside the house, the one that feels less and less familiar every time he comes here, says, "Hey, Isak," and hugs his ex-husband with a casualness he wouldn't have thought himself capable of three years ago.
"Hey, Even," the younger man greets, before turning to yell up the stairs, "Erik! Your dad's here!"
Not a minute later, the six year old bounds down the stairs, running at an alarming speed before throwing himself at Even, who catches him, picks him up. It hasn't even been a full week since Even saw his little man but it's been a busy month at work so he hasn't been able to pick him or his sister up from school lately. Even kisses his son's cheek, his hair and puts him on his hip. He'll only have a few more years of this before that's gone too, Erik too old to be his baby, and that's not nearly enough time.
Or maybe not, Even's kid is affectionate as hell-- never known to pass up a cuddle so-- who knows, maybe Even gets lucky with this one. Not for the first time, he feels a hint of regret that he won't have any more kids, another baby would be kinda cool, but it's a really faint urge in the face of everything Even does have so it's always easy to push aside.
Friday night dinners at Isak's is for junk food and Even's informed by Isak that the kids voted for pizza.
Their favorite Italian place still has this address listed under Even's cellphone number for when he orders but that makes sense. His own apartment isn't very much near here so he's only ever ordered from them when he's at Isak's house. Even gets three pizzas and, without really thinking about it, four of those gross banana and chocolate pudding wraps that Isak pretends not to have a weakness for, and after that, Even goes to the bathroom, takes just a few moments, before washing his face and going back out again.
Kirsten tells him what's wrong during dinner, which is to say, everything. "And I tried really hard, dad. I did but I wasn't-- she was better than me so..."
Even feels like a jerk for half forgetting about her audition for the school's spring production. He's the one that encouraged her to be brave enough to go out for the lead role in the first place and he was ridiculously proud of her when she did. He tells her that.
"You did your best, Kirsy, and that's all you can do. I know you did really good though, you know why?"
Kirsten thinks for a minute. "Because I still got a part even though I didn't get the one I wanted?" She says.
"That too, honey. But because you're you and I know you always put your whole heart into something."
Even's daughter sighs, "That's what Pappa said."
"Well, your Pappa is right as always,"
Even looks at Isak and takes in his smile and the light in his eyes, approval and happiness and Even feels it too. Feels ridiculously happy that he gets to have this. That they've found a way to make this work.
The kids go upstairs to pack up their things about an hour later and Even goes and sits with Isak at the kitchen counter, resists the urge to steal a sip from his beer. He could probably get away with it too but it's best not to risk Isak's wrath.
"Plans this weekend?" He asks his ex-husband.
"Hmm," Isak hums, and takes a sip from the bottle, his lips stretching around the neck. Even's mind goes a little hazy before it catches up with what he's doing. He clears his throat.
"Plans with Daniel," Isak tells him.
"Just tomorrow or-- ?"
"He's coming over tonight," Isak says, "But yeah, I'll be over with you guys on Sunday."
"Okay," Even says.
"I wouldn't miss a Sunday, Even," Isak says, very quietly.
"No," Even swallows. "No, I know that."
"Okay," Isak says, breaking eye contact and taking another sip of his beer.
Even looks away too, "Okay," he says.
"Ready, Dad!" comes Erik's voice and Even turns around to see him standing with his Ariel backpack strapped to his shoulders. Even knows it only holds his favorite blanket that he can't sleep without. Everything else the kids might need when staying over at Even's is already there. They make sure of that.
The kids hug and kiss Isak goodbye and Even does too-- hug Isak, that is. He hasn't kissed Isak in three years.
"Bye," Isak waves at them, as they get into the car and he keeps waving for a while until he stops and goes back inside-- closing the door behind him.
***
2
Isak takes the last bite of his sandwich and brushes his hands against each other to remove the last of the crumbs, "Can we talk about little man's birthday?" He asks Even.
Even looks to where his son is running around the park, terrorising the ducks, wrapped warm in his coat and scarve and hat. Kirsten's with her class on a field trip to Paris this weekend so it's just the three of them together this Sunday.
"What were you thinking?" Even asks Isak.
"I think-- I really think he wants a princess party, Even."
"Yeah? We should do that then. Ariel themed, maybe," Even takes a sip from his coffee
"Yeah," Isak says-- and then, "I broke up with Daniel."
Even chokes on his drink. "What?" He asks, looking at Isak. "Wait...what?"
Isak nods, looking slightly miserable and... something else, Even isn't sure exactly. Even feels a little lost.
"I thought-- you know," Even clears his throat, "I thought things were good. You were letting him spend more time around the kids," he points out.
It was a huge deal, actually.
A lot of long conversation between the two of them and a bunch of complicated feelings for Even to navigate through in terms of letting another man close to his kids-- unchartered waters for both of them even if they've both been dating since-- well. Since. But they did it. They agreed that six months meant that Daniel and Isak were probably not something that was going to end any time soon and maybe that meant letting the kids get to know him better.
And now, not two weeks later, Isak's telling Even that it's over? What the fuck?
"He uh-- " Isak looks uncomfortable. "He made some comments," he says, "...about Erik."
Even--
He's a pretty level headed guy, for the most part. He manages his moods carefully with medication and-- when they were still in college, Isak made him go to a yoga class with him and Even immediately took to it, even though Isak didn't-- meditation has helped mellow Even out a lot. So has life, generally, and adulthood for that matter-- so usually it takes a lot for him to lose his temperament. But his kids.
"Even," Isak's hand finds his arm, "No-- relax, okay? Not to Erik, just to me."
That only makes it marginally better but Even breathes-- tries to relax. Isak can't talk to him if he's got his head buried in his ass.
"So what did he say?" Even asks, a moment later, when he's somewhat calmed his shit.
Isak bites his lip, a familiar and hopelessly endearing sight, and one he's passed on to Kirsten, Even's noticed.
"Stupid shit-- like, that he's too girly and just because he's gay-- "
"We don't even know yet that he's gay-- "
"I know that," Isak sighs, "Like I said, it's stupid. Daniel thought he could make that conclusion and tucked on that, 'that doesn't mean he can't be a man,' and I dont know, I-- I just fucking lost it on him-- probably didn't handle it all that well but you know how I get when it's the kids."
Yeah. "I know, babe," Even says, lifting his arm around Isak to comfort him. Isak sighs and leans into him and it's not always this easy to reconcile--
How much familiarity lies between them, how much of their intamacy they've been unable to shake off but--
When you've been best friends with someone for over twenty years, you don't just lose that because you're not fucking each other anymore.
Especially not when they're still, unquestionably, one of the three most important people in your life.
"When was this?" Even asks.
"Last night," Isak tells him.
"Hmm. Okay."
"Don't give me that," Isak says.
"What?"
"That okay, Isak, thing you do. I'm not getting back together with him."
"You might," Even says. "I mean-- maybe he just needs to educate himself, you know?"
"Why are you playing devil's advocate?" Isak frowns at him.
Even shrugs, "You just seemed happier, Isak. Since you met him."
"That's bullshit," Isak says, turning back to look at Erik.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," he says, leaning his head against Even's shoulder. "I never needed Daniel to make me happy."
***
3
Kirsten's school is staging her play on four nights, Friday and Saturday for two weeks, and Isak has been to every one of the two performances so far--
Even hasn't been to one.
The network he works for is again demanding fucking reshoots for his show before the fourth season starts airing and it's been stressing Even the fuck out. He hasn't had the kids for a weekend in two weeks and he missed two Friday dinners and one Sunday and he's having fucking war flashbacks--
To the year when everything-- as in every thing went to fucking shit because Even fucked them up by working too much, never being at home, never being there for his family and yeah, okay, there were other things, bad and ugly things, that lead to the divorce-- but that's how it all started, that's how Even lost-- fuck. Fuck. But now--
Now's not then.
Even's learned his lesson and what he's still got, he isn't going to lose again, not for anything--
So when Isak texts him that second Friday afternoon asking, still good to come tonight? the answer is of course going to be yes, even though Even's probably going to get into a world of shit with his producers over it.
He gets to the school, parks and heads into the auditorium and looks around for Isak. "Over here!" He hears and turns, hears, "Dad!" And a moment later his arms are filled with a squirming and excited seven year old who is really happy and surprised to see him. Even feels like shit.
"You okay?" Isak asks him, when they're sitting down, waiting for the next fifteen minutes to pass so the play can start. "You look stressed out."
"Just...work stuff," Even says, shaking his shoulders to try and loosen up the knots.
"Even," Isak sighs, "You could have come tomorrow if you need-- "
"I need this," Even says. "I missed you," he says-- feeling a little frayed from how honest that sentence is. The fact that he doesn't just mean the kids and they both know it, know each other too well to think it's anything else.
"We're here," Isak tells him, smiling gently-- "You have us, we're right here."
Even nods at Isak-- and turns to kiss his son's cheeks, again and again, the child's laughter doing a lot to lighten the mood.
During the play, Even alternates between watching Kirsten, completely in awe of her talent, which is a million times more impressive when she's up there in make up and under lights than the already stunning performance she gave when she'd simply been practicing her lines with Even. It's not a massive role so she's not on stage for every scene and when she isn't Even finds himself almost as bored as Erik but Isak glares at the both of them to sit still so Even tries to stop giggling with his son and pay attention.
"Can I go find her?" He asks Isak during intermission, eager to tell Kirsten how amazing she is, how freaking increadible and Isak must see that because he gives Even a sympathetic smile.
"They're not allowed to leave the backstage area, sorry love," he says and Even tries not to pout.
"Isak!" Someone says and both of them turn to see a brunette woman, almost as tall as Even. "Hi there," she says, before looking at Even... and uh-- looking him up and down. "Who's this?"
"My dad," Erik pipes up, from where he's standing between Even's legs, swinging himself back and forth on his arms.
"Oh," the woman says, eyes going wide but Even notes, not any less appreciative of what she's looking at.
"Even," Isak says, sounding slightly strained, "This is Jan, Kirsten's English teacher this year."
"Nice to meet you," Even says, letting go of Erik's for a moment to shake her hand. "Sorry we haven't met yet, unfortunately I had to miss the last PT conference but there's one next month, right?" He looks at Isak who smiles and nods his head.
"I didn't know you were...married," Kirsten's English teacher says, looking pointedly at Isak's empty ring finger. Even's eyes follow along with her despite trying to stop himself-- he fucking hates looking at Isak where there's nothing where there should be--
No. Fuck, no-- Even isn't going there. He doesn't do that anymore (aside from when he's fucking drunk which is only once or twice every few months because him and alcohol obviously don't mix well) so yeah-- he gives himself a mental shake down, knows his face isn't giving away any of his stupid fucking thoughts.
"We're divorced," Isak says-- and Jan or whatever-her-name-is' face turns into one of fake sympathy. Even notices how fucking much this woman is irritating Isak but she probably can't tell. Isak's game face is even better Even's when he wants it to be, giving nothing away. The only people they've never been able to fool is each other.
Isak manages to be politely passive aggressive enough to make the woman leave just a few minutes of awkward interaction later and Even smirks at him when she's gone.
"What?" He asks Even.
Little man is spinning himself around in circles just a few meters away so Even steps a little closer into Isak's space to say, "You absolutely hate her, don't you?"
Isak rolls his eyes, "I don't care about the opinion of some random woman, Even."
"Hmm, never said you did, babe," Even says and-- maybe he's standing just a little bit too close because his breath must brush against Isak's ear or something because the shorter man shivers slightly-- before stepping back. When he looks at Even his eyes are a little darker than they should be and it tugs hard at Even's stomach. What the fuck? he thinks, already freaking out.
Isak must see that-- because he gives Even that smile-- the one that says, "It's okay, Even. You're okay," and a moment later Even feels more like he can breathe again. It's just a single moment, probably bred from the fact that they've been that close a million times over all the years, it doesn't mean anything.
It won't ruin everything.
They go out for burgers after the play is finished and by the fourth time that Kirsten says, "Oh, my goodness, Dad. Stop!" Even feels like he can maybe stop gushing over how perfect and talented she is.
Well, for the next hour, at least.
***
4
Jonas and Natalia's son turns eight and his birthday party is decided to take place on a Sunday, which-- sounds freaking stupid to Even-- until he remembers that the Monday that follows is a public holiday.
"So we can go to the museum on Monday instead," he tells Isak at that weekend's Friday family dinner. Isak looks completely disgruntled and annoyed at his words, and maybe not just because Even was talking through a mouthful of kebab. He still feels adequately chastised though-- bad parenting example, Even.
"Well yeah," Isak says, "We can still do that but-- "
"You gotta come with us to Finn's party, Dad," Erik pouts--
"Dad, it's a Sunday!" Kirsten adds-- like the idea of Even not being with them on a Sunday is completely unthinkable, unimaginable and the worst thing ever. She hasn't sounded this adamant about wanting Even around in a while. He looks at Isak-- who's giving him raised eyebrows.
The thing is-- Even doesn't wants to be away from them any more than they want to be away from him, it's just-- with Jonas, it's fucking awkward. Even after two decades of Even being a part of Isak's life, the man is still first and foremost Isak's friend, on Isak's side (even though Isak tells Even he's told Jonas a million times that there are no sides). He firmly and fully blames Even for the divorce, depending on the day really, Even either agrees or disagrees with him, although he never argues with Jonas about it. So yeah, it's awkward being around him since he fucking hates Even's guts now.
"You're coming," Isak says firmly-- and that, Even supposes-- is that.
It's actually a pretty good time in the end. Jonas only makes two or three biting comment at Even's expense-- and Even takes pleasure in watching Isak elbow him in the ribs for the last one so that kind of evens it out. The kids play games and exhaust themselves and eat cake and get sugar highs and go insane and there's a lot of bouncing on the blow up castle. As soon as Even spotted it, he knew Isak would have the immediate urge to get in there. He gives Isak an amused look and Isak rolls his eyes at him but smiles.
Isak drinks a bit too much but that's fine since Even can drive them home or they could stay over but the kids pass out on the couch, finally crashing from the sugar rush and Even figures they'll sleep over, that it's time to go. He tells Isak as much.
"No," Isak's hand curls in Even's t-shirt, stopping him. "This is when the real fun starts," he says, giving Even a naughty smirk that goes straight to his dick.
And that's the story of how Finn's eight birthday party turns into an adult, booze fest with loud music and drunk parents dancing dirty with each other. Even's mostly sobre but not enough so that he can resist Isak's challenge to crawl into the bouncing castle with him. No one's on this side of the house, the party mostly focused on the patio and Isak is flushed and happy and grinning and Even's hopeless to say no to him.
They end up falling onto their backs, laughing themselves to-- and past the point of tears and Even can honestly say he hasn't felt this alive in years. He stops laughing and looks at Isak...takes in the pink of his cheeks and the bright sparkle in his eyes.
Even loves him-- he loves him more than anyone and it's not new information or anything. It's been true for such a long time-- apparent and obvious to anyone who looks at him-- it might as well be tattooed on his forehead. Even Bech Næsheim loves Isak Valtersen.
Isak turns to look at him and stops laughing as well. Minutes pass like that, the two of them on their backs in a children's jumping castle, staring at each other.
"What?" Isak asks eventually.
Even shrugs, "Just...you're my best friend," he says, and Isak smiles at him and it's only a little whistful, just a little sad.
"We did the right thing," he says.
Only a tiny part of Even disagrees with him.
"Yeah," he says. "We did the right thing."
***
5
It's not hard for Even to get sex when he wants it--
Yeah, so he's almost forty but he's still got all his hair and his eyes are a nice blue and he's got good bone structure and he's got needs or whatever--
But that doesn't mean he goes out for it often.
The thing is, he's got the kids most weekends, his attention revolving around them as much as possible because he doesn't see them near enough during the week so it's just not possible for him to get laid a lot.
It's easier to just get himself off, quickly in the shower before he goes to work, the act more efficient than anything else because if Even indulgences, if he takes his time, his mind wanders and it always ends up at the same place, with the same person and that fucks with his head too much for him to go there too often. Maybe once a month, he'll let himself. Sometimes twice-- but that's it, he fucking swears.
Except lately it hasn't been that easy to push his thoughts away from that place, even when it's a quick wank, he inevitably goes there and sometimes he's imagining it, Isak's touch and Isak's body under his hands, under him, the taste of Isak's skin and sweat and come on his tongue and sometimes Even's more remembering than imagining-- all those things and more, all the times he did it, had it. He comes a lot harder when he's remembering. He feels infinitely worse about it afterwards too.
Tonight Even doesn't want to feel bad or worse or anything like that-- he doesn't want to think about Isak or the fact that it's a Friday night and Even's not over at the house tonight because the kids are with Even's mom and dad at a ski resort and won't be back for another two weeks.
He's fucking horny and he's frustrated and he's got the time, the freedom, there's literally nothing stopping him from going out and getting some pussy--
Which is another thing. Even hasn't fucked a guy in three years...maybe closer to four actually-- because by the time he had moved out of the house, him and Isak hadn't touched each other for over three months.
For Even it wasn't because he didn't want Isak he'll always want Isak but for Even to hold him and to kiss him and fuck him when he just didn't like him all that much, just too fucking angry and resentful and-- it felt all wrong, the idea of being with him, like he would be tainting what they were for such a long time. Even doesn't know what Isak's reasons were for not wanting him because he never asked.
So Isak's the last guy he fucked and-- Even wants to keep it that way for the rest of his life, it just--
It means something to him, probably something stupid and foolish but what the fuck ever...it is what it is.
Even goes out with friends to a bar that night, he brings back a twenty-seven year old with curly blonde hair and green eyes to his apartment and doesn't think too hard about that. The sex is good-- not great. Whatever. It scratches the itch and Even's cool with seeing her again if she's keen. There isn't really any danger there-- the thing about hooking up with women is, as soon as they try to get something more out of him, Even drops the two kids and an ex-husband bomb. They'll act all astounded, like bisexuality isn't a concept they've ever encountered, say something ridiculous like, "You don't fuck like you're gay," and the confusion and Even's over all lackluster approach to their relationship will be enough to get them out the door and out of his life. It works beautifully. Every time.
Which isn't to say that Even goes out of his way to treat them like crap or something.
"Good morning," he tells the girl, Claudia, when she wanders in from Even's bedroom, bleary eyes, messy hair and only wearing the button up that Even had on last night-- it's pretty presumptuous but kind of sexy too.
"Hey," she says, "You made coffee...and breakfast."
Even shrugs. If she isn't into it, she can leave. But she blushes pretty and smiles so he figures that she's staying.
It's not a half an hour later that the knock comes at Even's door, while he's got Claudia pinned up against his kitchen counter, licking into her mouth. Even has no fucking idea who it would be but stops kissing her, wills his erection to go away and pulls his t-shirt a little further down over his sweatpants. Claudia goes to sit back at the counter, unbothered by the fact that Even's about to open the door but that's her prerogative, he figures, not about to tell her to hide in his bedroom or something. He opens the door--
And immediately wishes he'd told Claudia to go hide in his bedroom.
"Isak," he says, taking in the sight of his ex-husband, who-- despite still being the hottest sight that Even's ever encountered, especially when he's got such a gorgeous smile on his perfect face-- is enough to instantly kill his boner and whatever remnants of arousal he was feeling only seconds ago. Shit.
"Hey. Sorry," Isak says, "I was just on my way to that farmer's market near here-- and I figured I could ask you to join me? So um-- you want to?"
"I uh-- " Shit. Shit. shit...
Isak, of course, reads him like a fucking open book.
"You've got someone in there, don't you."
It's not really that much of a question but Even nods his head anyway.
"Okay," Isak says, "Yeah, no-- I shouldn't have come here unannounced, like-- "
"Even?" girl from last night-- Claudia-- pipes up, from right next to Even. Where Isak can see her, hair a mess, lips swollen from Even's kisses and, oh yeah, wearing his fucking shirt and not much else.
Isak looks at her--
Looks at Even.
Shit.
"I'm sorry," Isak says to her, sounding so fucking genuine that it sends Even reeling. "I didn't mean to barge in on your morning. Enjoy the rest of it and I'll see you uh-- see you, Even."
"Yeah," Even says-- at a fucking loss and desperate not to make this thing worse than it is, not that he's sure why it already feels like the worst thing that could have happened because it isn't supposed to be--
Him and Isak are cool. They're friends. They're awesome co-parents and the perfect fucking example of being on amicable terms with your ex...
Even's so fucking scared of fucking that up.
"See you," he says, and watches then, as Isak turns around and walks away.
Even closes the door, looks back at Claudia.
"Who the hell was that?" She asks.
So much for seeing her again, Even thinks, wishing he could muster up a fuck to give about that.
It would probably make his life a fuck load easier if he did.
***
+ 1
It's a shitty fucking week that follows one the most confusing incidents of Even's life. He's fucking miserable all week, can't concentrate on work, feels lonely, misses his kids, misses Isak and over all, he's just confused as fuck.
It's not like this is the first time something like this has happened, to be honest. Maybe it's true that Isak has never interrupted Even mid hook up but he knows enough to know that Even hasn't been celibate or something. Isak even met one of Even's-- um. Ex-girlfrends? The girl he was sleeping with for more than a couple of months last year. Mia. Isak was nice to her, if a little awkward. But it was completely fine-- like Even being fine with Daniel. Okay, maybe Even was more pretending to be fine with Daniel but that's not the point because it's not like Isak was just--
It wasn't like--
It wasn't whatever the fuck happened on Saturday.
Even doesn't even know what the fuck happened on Saturday and the truth is, there's only one way to figure this shit out. He needs to talk to Isak about it, they need to resolve this shit-- hopefully they can do it before the kids get back.
Isak doesn't pick up the first time Even calls on Friday morning. Even doesn't leave a message but waits for Isak to see the missed call and phone him back. Isak doesn't, so he calls again later in the day. This time Isak picks up. He sounds weird when he says, "Hello?"
"Hey," Even says, "How are you?" Fuck. That sounded so fucking awkward. Even doesn't know what the fuck is happening.
"I'm okay and you, Even?"
"Yeah I'm-- " Even blanks, he doesn't know what the fuck he is. He feels like he doesn't know anything right now. "I need to see you. Do you mind if I come over tonight? I know the kids are-- but is it okay if just you and me have dinner?"
Even counts the seconds of silence-- gets up to six-- before Isak says, "Yeah, okay. We can do that."
"Okay," Even exhales, "What do you uh-- what do you want to eat? Should I bring anything?"
"Alcohol," Isak says-- and then, "No. Fuck, I'm kidding. It's cool, Even, I'll grab something when I leave work."
Even decides to leave it at that for now, "Right. Okay. See you tonight."
"Later," Isak says and hangs up.
Okay, Even thinks. This is good-- they'll get together tonight and they'll...talk. They do well with talking and resolving shit, coming to a compromise.
Not really during their marriage, well-- not in the last year of their marriage. Then they couldn't fucking hold a conversation for longer than ten minutes without it desolving into a fucking screaming match, insults and accusations and shit flying all over the place. Like how Isak kept saying that Even was lying about everything, including working all the time, for any number of reasons-- ranging from just not wanting to see him, spend time with him and the kids to obviously fucking around on him. Which lead to Even coming to the conclusion that Isak was probably projecting his own shit onto Even-- that he was the one having the affair. Which turned out to be fucking true.
"Oh God, I didn't-- Even," he remembers Isak's voice shaking, all of him shaking really-- when he came out of the shower and into the bedroom and saw Even-- holding Isak's phone in a white knuckled grip, almost enough to break the damn thing, breathing unsteady as tears fell from his eyes.
"Nothing happened," Isak said in a rush. "I never-- I didn't, okay? I didn't, Even. You have to believe me."
Even just gave a broken laugh and held up Isak's phone, showing him the lastest text message that appeared on it.
"Yeah?" He asked.
"It was just texting," Isak said-- voice fragile, weak as shit, like he didn't believe his own bullshit even though Even knew he wasn't lying. Isak wouldn't fuck someone else, he knew that much. Still. Fuck.
What followed was two hours of back and forth and swearing and crying and just a bunch of awful, hurtful shit. They'd taken the argument down into the basement, away from where Erik and Kirtsten could hear-- they'd spent so much time in there in the last few months and Even was just-- he was fucking tired.
Isak was on the floor, back against the wall, with his head in his hands. He wasn't sobbing anymore-- dried out and exhausted by now. Even hated the sight but-- not Isak. Never Isak.
"I love you so much," he'd said, not loud enough that he thought Isak would hear. He did. Isak raised his head.
"I love you too," he said.
"You're the most important person in my life, I can't-- I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want us to be this anymore."
Isak took a deep breath, "What are you saying?"
"This isn't working."
Isak froze up completely. "Even-- "
"Just-- hear me out, okay? I just-- I've loved you for so long, baby, but we can't keep-- we have kids, Isak."
"And you want to, what, just leave them? Leave me?"
"Never," Even swore. "I don't want to leave you."
"But you want a divorce."
No, Even thought.
Isak took his silence as answer--
Even took his as one as well.
"I just want us to stop hurting each other."
"Yeah," Isak said, after long minutes had passed. "Me too."
Even walked over to the other side of the room, to where Isak was sitting and dropped down next to him. After a moment, Isak's head fell on his shoulder.
"This feels like giving up," he said.
"I know."
"But this just isn't working."
And Even said, "I know."
They talked for hours that night-- really talked and listened to each other, for the first time in a really long time.
And a part of Even felt like-- like if they could do this-- if they could manage to try and figure out how they would give up then--
Then maybe they didn't have to.
But the biggest part of him knew it was too late for that.
"Even," Isak greets and looks down at Even's hands, at the bottle of wine he's holding. It's the red that Isak favors above any other. Isak lifts his eyes back to Even's, a small pleased smile tugging at his mouth-- at the sight, Even allows himself to breathe.
"Hi, Isak."
"That's actually perfect," Isak says, stepping aside. "I got us a couple of steaks."
"You bought steak?" Even asks.
"Hmm," Isak hums and walks into the kitchen. Even follows after him-- realizes that Isak didn't mean already prepared steak.
"You're cooking?" He asks.
"You're helping," Isak tells him, holding out a knife to him. "Start peeling patatos." Even raises his eyebrows but he takes the knife, rolls up his shirt sleeves. "Thanks," he says to Isak, when he pours them each a generous glass of wine.
It used to work like this, always. It didn't matter who started making food, the other would always join in, either with an opinion on which spices to use (all of them, Isak would insist, with a fond smile, remembering) or sometimes being helpful, playing each other's sous chef. They haven't done this once since Even moved out. He wonders why they're doing it now.
Even knows he came over here tonight to try and have a serious discussion but he can't help but put it off and listen to Isak talk about all kinds of not that important shit-- from TV shows to gossip about his boss and everything in between-- and this is something else they haven't done in years. Talking just for the sake of it. Not about shedules and homework getting done and who's going to take Kirsten to buy new clothes since she shot up again or taking Erik to the dentist. They don't talk about the kids once and that's weird because everything they do, they do for Kirsten and Erik. When both of them freaked out, got cold feet over signing the papers-- tears streaming down both their faces, the stack of documents they've avoided for weeks on the coffee table in front of them while their children slept soundly upstairs-- they'd looked at each other for a long time and Isak pressed his forehead against Even's and said, "I know it hurts, baby, but we can't be selfish about this. It isn't just about you and me."
"I don't want to lose you," Even told him, already knowing what Isak's answer would be. That he'd say he didn't want to lose Even either, that he'd rather lose this one part of them to keep all the rest. To keep Even as his best friend. They'd had this same exact conversation a hundred times by then.
"This is how you keep me then," Isak said, and they'd signed the papers.
In a lot of ways they were right.
It hurt, for a long time, being around each other, after the divorce but it worked better. It helped to focus on the kids, first and above everything else. Helped Even justify the reason for the hole in his chest. It's working, he'd tell himself over and over again, that first year. You're friends again.
Except now he's wondering if that was true at all-- if they really were friends or simply two people who pretended to be because the alternative was unbareable to think about.
"We don't ever talk like this," Even says now, refilling his glass for the second time. Isak's sitting in the dining chair next to him, instead of across like Even had expected. He can smell Isak's collogne, faint and familiar and it makes his stomach ache. Not in a bad way necessarily.
Isak swallows the bite of his steak in his mouth before he asks, "What do you mean?"
"You and I-- I mean. We talk almost every day..."
"Yeah?" Isak says, "Top me up, would you," he holds his glass out to Even, who complies.
"But we talk about Erik and Kirsy and that's pretty much it," he says.
"That's not true," Isak's mouth turns down at the corners, clear upset.
"I think it is," Even tells him, carefully.
"No, Even, that's-- I mean, I would..." Isak looks away from him, and off to the side, frowing as he bites his lip.
"You would what?" Even asks, when Isak doesn't seem like he'll be finishing his thought any time soon. Isak looks-- he actually looks really shaken.
"Isak?" Even questions.
"I would miss you," Isak says, still staring down at the table, "...if we didn't really talk."
"Yeah," Even says, and chokes around the knot in his throat.
Isak rapidly blinks his eyes lit with a kind of startled realisation.
"Every day," Isak says, "I would miss you so much, it would be like I couldn't breathe because of it."
And it's like Even's heart stops beating in his chest and he tries-- he tries to will away the fear and panic and stupid hope building up inside of him.
It's sort of a lost cause.
So with a shaky voice, that hides absolutely none of what he's feeling, Even brings himself to asks, "Do you?"
Do you miss me?
His breath catches in his throat when Isak's eyes turn back on him.
"Yes," Isak whispers--
Even doesn't take a second to think before he kisses him-- in the same way he didn't think about it for years because then, it was just something they did, something they'd been doing for so long that it didn't need to be thought about-- a second nature, muscle memory-- of their lips moving against each other and their hands finding each other's faces and fingers tangled into hair and trailing over bodies, bodies finding a rhythm perfected over all the thousands of times they've searched for it together--
"Fuck, Even" Isak pulls away on a gasp and Even, feeling drunk on more than wine, chases his mouth, arms folding around his waist as he kisses him again, deeper this time-- seconds pass and then Even feels as Isak gives in to it. Not just letting the kiss happen but kissing back--
His month opens up for Even to lick inside of it, to taste the sweetness of the wine mixed with the taste of Isak and it's so good, it's lovely and perfect and Even just wants more
"Even," Isak says again, this time Even moves his mouth to his jaw, nipping slightly with his teeth before licking over it, "Even," his fingers curl into Even's hair--not to push away, no. To pull closer. "Even," Isak says his name like it's the only one he knows, like he's forgotten any other words exists.
"Please," Even finds himself saying, right before he's kissing Isak's mouth again-- as deep and as thorough as he can, reveling at the hurt little whimper that Isak leaves in his mouth. "Let me..." Even digs fingers into his sides, "I-- please," he begs, so fucking desperate, feeling too much, in this moment. Just way too much. All he wants to feel is Isak.
""Yeah?" Isak asks, arching his back into Even's touch, his neck angling to give Even's mouth better access.
"Fuck," Even says, he can't, this isn't enough, "Come here," he pulls Isak into his lap and Isak goes and settles like he belongs there, his thighs strong on Even's and firm under his hands. Isak kisses him this time, just as fucking hot, like he wants this just as much and when he shifts just right, Even can feel that he does. He groans and reaches with both hands to grab at Isak's ass.
"Fuck," Isak moans, pushing back into Even's grip, the movement sending a line of heat and friction up and down Even's spine as their cocks brush together through two layers of denim.
"Yes, Even, touch me," Isak pleads-- he really doesn't need to tell Even twice-- he reaches for Isak's belt, undoes the buckle one handed while he keeps massaging Isak's ass with the other, loving the pleased but impatient little noises Isak makes as they kiss. He gets Isak's jeans open, zipper down and then he goes for Isak's dick like he's been missing it, wanting it, dreaming about it for years. Which, yeah. Fuck. He has.
"Wet," he pants against Isak's cheek, fisting at the head of Isak's cock. "So wet for me, baby," he says, and sucks kisses down Isak's neck again.
"Even," Isak keens, high pitched and whiney. The way he always gets when he's too worked up, like his body-- what it's experiencing is too much for him to feel. God. Even can relate.
"Even," Isak says, over and over, sounding fucking astouned every time, like he can't fucking believe it. Even moves his hand faster on his dick and Isak rocks into it, sucking on Even's tongue and moaning all the while. He feels it when Isak gets close and asks, "Gonna come for me, Isak?"
"Oh, Jesus. Fuck. Say that again."
"Gonna come, baby?"
"Yeah...yeah, no," Isak moans, his hips bucking hard. "name-- say my name in your-- in your sex-- voice, oh fuck-- "
"Isak," Even says, hot against his ear, "Fuck, you're so fucking increadible, Isak." He licks at the shell of Isak's ear, hand working fast and Isak comes with a low and startled yell.
He's still working Isak through it-- or he thought he was-- when Isak abruptly gets up from his lap and Even feels cold all over.
"Isak, what-- " his words die a very sudden death-- when Isak's on his knees, fingers frantically working to get his jeans open and get at his dick. Isak manages it in seconds. Even stares slacked jawed in awe.
Isak gets him out, and moans, like just the sight of Even's dick is stimulating for him, before he closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and swallows Even all the way down. Shit.
Isak gags-- pulling off with a cough--
"Jesus," he swears, throat already sounding rough. He looks up at Even-- who's just sitting there like an idiot, dick out and staring in amazement at the most wonderful sight he's ever encountered. "Fuck, not used to your huge cock anyomore-- "
The reminder makes Even hurt all over-- Isak must see some of that in his expression because his face softens, he smiles. He's fucking beautiful. "I'll just have to practice again, won't I?"
"Isak-- " Even doesn't know what he was going to say, probably tell Isak he doesn't have to go down on him or he could take it easy but that's a little hard to do when Isak's moaning around his cock, sucking on it like his life depends on it and-- holy shit, intentionally chocking himself on it.
"Isak, you don't-- "
Isak pulls off, licking at the steady leaking head of Even's cock. "I want it," he says, "It's all I fucking want," and a shudder going through him, like he's vibrating with how much he means it.
"Yes," Even says, grabbing a hand full of soft, blonde curls and that's that-- Isak goes back to choking and sucking on his dick, moaning the whole time he's doing it, his hand working over what he can't get into his mouth. Even's gonna come.
He tries to warn Isak-- even though he can probably tell-- but Isak just sucks harder... Even gives up and closes his eyes, finally daring to look away from the sight - that he was afraid might disappear as soon as he did - and when he comes, his orgasm crashes over him with so much force and pleasure that it makes his mind go blank from everything other than how fucking amazing he feels
He comes out of it-- Even doesn't know, could be fucking miuntes later-- to Isak still sucking on his cock, eyes still closed, making small, content noises all the while. Even's oversensitive as fuck, so he says, "Isak," and Isak's eyes snap open, Even's dick popping out of his mouth as he sits back. He blinks wide, wet eyes at Even, looking almost guilty, like Even caught him doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Even feels exhausted, a bone deep kind of tired that isn't anything like he usually does. This aches in all the right ways. He sighs.
Instead of pulling Isak back up onto his lap, Even falls down next to him on the soft carpet, pulling Isak against his chest, spooning him close, because he can't not. The need to be close to Isak is as fucking intense as it ever was. Maybe that's why he only realizes that Isak's crying after a few minutes have passed already.
"Isak?" He asks, worried out of his fucking mind. If he did anything-- "Did I hurt you? Baby?"
"Even," Isak says, and turns around. "Even, why did we-- please, Even-- " he keeps sobbing, half hysterical.
Even can't get half a coherent sentence out of him-- but the way Isak buries his face against his chest, hand fisted in Even's shirt like he needs to keep him close needs to just fucking keep him...
"I'm not going anywhere," he tells Isak. "I'll never leave you."
"Please don't," Isak sobs into his shirt. "I'll die, I fucking swear, I'll die if you-- "
Even sushes him, even though he's crying too. Fuck. It's too fucking much.
It's like he's feeling everything all at once. Remembering all the pain from when they'd hurt each other, the fear of losing Isak forever if he tried to hold on, misery and longing after they'd given up, given in and the love, fuck. Always. So much. So fucking much.
"I love you too," Isak says-- it sounds strange when he hasn't stopped crying any less loudly. He sounds a little like a baby. He's Even's baby. Fuck. Even missed him.
"I missed you so fucking much."
"Me too," Isak tells him. "Even, me too."
***
Epilogue
First they fuck a lot. Like. So much. Even's pretty impressed with the both of them since, you know, they're not twenty and seventeen anymore. But really, what even is a refractory period in the face of three years of lost time.
"Don't call it that," Isak tells him when Even shares that thought.
It's three days after that first night and they're lying in bed after the third round of sex that night.
"Hmm?" Even asks, feeling sleepy and tired and so fucking content, he'd be okay with living in this moment forever, he thinks.
"It wasn't lost time," Isak says, "We were still... you know."
"Isak," Even smiles, his fingers trailing through his love's hair, "Baby, we got a divorce."
"That...was a bad call," Isak sighs.
"No shit."
"We were scared."
"I know," Even tells him. He does.
"But I still don't see it as lost time. We were still in it together, still taking care of the kids together, we still cared."
Even consider this, "Okay," he concedes after a moment, "But I still-- I wish I had fought a little harder for us back then."
Isak's hand finds his, their fingers tangling together, "Yeah," he says, "... we'll remember that for next time, okay?"
Even swallows, "Okay," he promises.
Two days later they go pick up Kirsten and Erik at the airport. The four of them have dinner together but, as Isak and Even both decided, he doesn't go home with them and they don't act any different than they normally would. Thing is, they've both always been ridiculously in love with each other so it's not like they have to police their behavior that much. The kids don't notice anything.
For two months things mostly stay the same-- except that Even comes over most week nights and by the time Kirsy and Erik are asleep, Even ends up in Isak's bed. He doesn't ever stay over, goes back to his empty fucking apartment, and the kids still spend the weekend there. They still have Friday dinners and Sunday activities.
It's on a Friday night that Erik walks in on them making out in the wash room when Even's got Isak pressed up against the dryer, kissing him to within an inch of his life.
"Dad? Pappa?" Comes their son's confused voice.
"Shit," Even says, moving away.
"Fuck," Isak whispers, his hand running over his mouth like he's trying to wipe away Even's kisses.
He tries not to, but Even can't help but take offense to that.
"Little man, what are you doing here?" He asks, turning back to his son. Erik's supposed to be in the TV room with his sister right now, watching a movie (that, okay, Even and Isak are supposed to be watching too but Isak kept throwing him looks and then he got up from the couch, heading for the bathroom and Even just sort of...followed him. He has a tendency to do shit like that)
"You said bad words," his son says, giving both him and Isak disapproving looks. "Don't do that and... what were guys doing?" He asks with narrowed, confused eyes.
Even looks at Isak.
Isak looks at Even.
This conversation is maybe overdue and yes, one they've had extensively with each other but they've both been really scared to rock the boat where the kids are concerned. Their dads dating each other is a much bigger deal than being introduced to a stranger that one of them is seeing. Even raises his eyebrows at Isak,
Now? he silently asks.
Isak nods. Now.
"Come on, little man," Even tells Erik, his hand on his shoulder steering him out of the washroom. "Pappa and I will explain."
So they sit the kids down on the sofa and Even sits down on the chair across from them and Isak purches himself on the arm of the chair.
"What's up?" Kirsy asks--
Isak and Even tell them.
When they're done, Erik's the first to speak, he asks-- "So that's why you were kissing? Because you two like each other now?"
A part of Even wants to say, "We've always liked each other," but he doesn't want to confuse the kid any further.
"Yes," he says.
"Oh okay," Erik says, and gives a shrug of his shoulders.
"Kirsy," Isak says, "You haven't said anything yet."
Even tries to sit still, tries not to show his nerves too obviously. Kirsten's biting her lip and looking between Even and Isak, her eyes shifting back and forth.
She was nine when they got the divorce. Erik was only three and didn't really know what was going on-- but Kirsten knew. She understands what this means.
"Really?" She asks. "You guys aren't kidding?"
Even nods, "Really, love."
Erik looks seriously confused-- when his sister starts bawling her eyes out, throwing herself Even and Isak to hug them both. Isak's holding on to Kirsy really tightly and trying his best not to cry too much-- but Even looks at his son,
"Get over here," he tells the seven year old. "You can get cuddles too."
Erik grins and runs towards them.
Isak rides him that night, fast and rough and it's so hot that Even's brain is melting. He tries so fucking hard to keep from saying something that it's probably much too soon for but he can't stop thinking about as he watches-- the ring on the chain around Isak's neck-- watches as it moves with the way that Isak does.
The ring that Even found that first night when he took Isak upstairs and undressed him for the first time in three years.
"This is your wedding ring," he'd said stupidly, staring at it in shock.
"Yeah," Isak told him, blush staining his cheeks. "I felt naked without it. I felt wrong."
Even couldn't do much more than make this broken fucking noise as he buried his face in Isak's neck, and just held on, for a really long time, he just held on-- until Even had to, absolutely needed, to get inside of him.
Since then, Even's had to bite his tongue to keep, please marry me, from slipping past his lips. It gets harder and harder every fucking time he succeeds.
The day after they tell the kids, all four of them go to Even's apartment and start filling boxes.
It's two months after he's moved back into the house that Even can't keep the words, that question, inside anymore.
A week later, in Civic hall, in front of just their kids, parents and a few close friends-- they seal the deal.
It's another six months before Isak whispers in his ear--
"Let's have another baby."
Even smiles.