Chapter Text
The wind is biting cold. The sea, a freezing fire. It’s a bit horrible, a bit miserable and Zayn snuffles dejectedly as he watches the sun disappear behind murky clouds. He’s cold and hungry and so, so tired and he knows he’s not the only one going by the way Harry droops in his seat. They’ve only adrenaline to fuel them, only the tight curl of excitement in the pit of their stomachs, but it’s more than enough because god, this is it, isn’t it? This is their first music video and they’ve come so far and it feels like a floating dream.
“What a day to be at the beach.” Louis says sarcastically when silence hovers for too long, kicks up sand and laughs bright and loud when it blows straight in Harry’s face. Zayn can’t help but chuckle to himself as Harry cries out and flails in his chair, falling backwards with a thump.
“Hey!” Harry says when they all begin to laugh at him, dusting off the sand on his face. “You got that in my mouth!” He splutters for effect, sticking his tongue out as Liam begins to pick sand out of his hair, giggling under his breath.
“Serves you right, sleeping on the job.” Louis spits back, eyebrows raised. It’s a nice little break from all the lights and cameras, the way Louis seems to just mould every situation into something fun – even something as mundane as waiting for the wind to die down – and Zayn’s so, so grateful to have them around.
A silence settles around them again – peaceful, comfortable. It’s a nice sort of silence, a fleeting moment, easily broken when a shock of blond hair comes running through, eyes set on a blue horizon. “What a day to be at the beach!” Niall cries out, pulling off his shirt with ease and splashing into the chill of water.
“Niall, what are you doing? It’s freezing, you’ll catch a cold!” Liam immediately calls out when the shock disappears, grabbing a towel off a chair.
“It’s fine, it’s fine.” Niall laughs brightly, rolls his eyes when Liam’s eyes crease with worry. “Come in!” He says and Zayn can’t help but smile because only Niall would find sun when the clouds have consumed the sky.
“Niall!” Liam calls out again as Louis and Harry laugh in the background, and it seems to work for a moment as Niall comes running out of the sea towards them. “Put your shirt back on!” Liam scolds lightly but Niall runs past him, grabs onto Zayn tightly and pulls him towards the arms of the ocean.
“Wait!” Zayn says because he sees where this is going and no, he does not like this one bit and –
Splash and a bitter cold envelops his body, waves coming up to catch him. Zayn coughs and splutters as Niall drags him into the ocean with clothes and all – far enough that the water dances around their shoulders, close enough for them to stand in because, oh that’s right, he remembers that Zayn can’t swim, doesn’t he?
Zayn feels a bubble of anger boil in his chest. He wants to say something, tell Niall he’s crazy and god, what is he thinking, what is he doing? But then Niall laughs and Zayn looks at him and he’s never seen the sun shine as bright as Niall. “We’re gonna get in trouble, you know.” Zayn mumbles instead as he feels his anger dissipate away, icy water dripping from his hair and along his jaw. Fear still grips him but he relaxes when he looks at Niall, pretends he’s not out in open water. Just a pool, just a pool, he tells himself. Just a very large pool.
“You’re only in trouble if you get caught.” Niall says with a small shake of his head, a small smirk, as he pushes Zayn’s hair out of his face with a gentle, warm touch. His hands are so soft when they slip into his own, pulling him across the water and Zayn can’t help but follow with a smile as his fear ebbs away ever so slightly.
Niall looks so at home in the sea, as he helps Zayn through the waves. He glides through the water with a certain grace Zayn has never seen him wear, flows with the waves with fine, calculated movements. He’s so peaceful and Zayn can only admire the way the light reflects off his impossibly pale skin, lost in the blue of Niall’s eyes and the sun in his hair.
A shout and a cry and Zayn suddenly finds himself drawn away from the small of Niall’s back and the curve of his shoulders and towards the orange of the shore. “We’re in trouble.” Zayn groans when he catches sight of angry, fuming stylists and cameramen and three laughing figures hunched over with giant shit-eating grins.
“You mean, you’re in trouble.” Niall corrects him as he lets go of his hand and Zayn finds himself missing the warmth. Small hands come up suddenly and push at his chest until he’s stumbling backwards and all he can see is murky water and Niall running out of the sea with large, hurried leaps. “Last one out sucks shit!” Niall calls back to him with a smirk and Zayn laughs as he pushes himself up, kicking up water as he runs after him.
They stay a bit longer, there on the shore with the sand and the stars, even after filming is done for the day and they’ve all received a long lecture on staying dry and not going out doing whatever the hell they want. Partly as their own celebration of a beginning, mostly because Niall refuses to get out of the ocean until his skin is a wrinkled mess and Liam has forsaken his shirt to pull Niall out of the freezing cold himself.
Their debut album is a hit, to their surprise, and suddenly, fame comes to greet them with a roaring thunder. It’s so, so intense – the lights, the cameras, the fans, the screams – but it’s amazing and thrilling and Zayn has never felt so alive in his life. It’s non-stop interviews and photo shoots, sleepless nights and travels and when they finally do get their little break, they can’t help but feel a little relieved.
“Let’s go to the beach!” Niall suggests when they’re all gathered in Harry’s home in Cheshire. Collective groans ring out and Niall laughs when Harry throws a blanket over his head and huddles into its warmth.
“We always go to the beach. It’s not even beach weather!” Louis says, throwing his hands in the air. Niall only smiles at that, pulls him by the arm and tugs on his shirt.
“It’s fine, it’s fine! Any weather is beach weather.” He says, dragging Louis off his chair, even when he slumps over and pretends to be asleep.
“You go to the beach. I’m gonna stay home and sleep.” Harry huffs, poking his head out from his pile of blankets with a grimace.
Niall doesn’t think twice at that suggestion – Zayn wonders if he ever does – and drops Louis arms with a plop. “Alright!” He happily agrees, making his way to the door.
“I’ll come.” Zayn says with a small smile because Niall can’t go alone – they’ll eat him up out there – and because lately, he’s beginning to feel a little lonely without him by his side, strangely. Niall smiles at him, takes him by the hand, and suddenly Zayn feels his chest tightening up in a not all unwanted sensation.
Liam stops them before they can make it to the door though, worry in his face and concern on his lips. “You’re seriously not going to go, are you? It’s freezing!” He says, brows knitted as he runs questioning eyes over Niall’s knobby knees and flushed cheeks.
Niall rolls his eyes, shakes his head when Liam’s mouth twists into a pout. “You’re only making those wrinkles on your face permanent with all your worrying.” He tells him, poking the other on the forehead and laughing when Liam looks mortified. “C’mon, let’s go!” Niall cheers, before dragging Zayn out with warm hands and warmer smiles.
A gush of wind comes to greet them when they make it outside. It’s a freezing day – far too chilly to be out, let alone in icy waters – but, Zayn thinks, as Niall throws an arm around him and buries his head into the crook of his neck, he doesn’t at all feel the least bit cold.
They don’t end up going to the beach – Zayn’s had enough of open waters. He takes Niall to the pool instead, just the two of them because of course, we’ll make an exception for you. Niall jumps into the water without hesitation, lands with a splash and snickers when Zayn gets hit in the crossfire. He looks a bit beautiful then, Zayn thinks, floating in the waters as if he belongs there with a smile on his face and the sky in his eyes.
“Hm.” Niall hums, lying back easily against the blue of the pool. “Not as good as the ocean, but it’ll do. The water feels a bit funny.” He scowls, face crinkling up as he spits out a stream of water. Zayn only smiles at him, watches him from the edge of the pool with his trousers rolled up to the knee.
“Come in!” Niall says when Zayn makes no move to join him, grabs at his hands and tries to pull him in.
“I don’t –“ Zayn begins, but Niall thankfully stops him before he can finish.
“I know, I know.” He whispers, looking up at Zayn with those big, impossible eyes. “It’s okay, I can teach you.” Niall says and Zayn trusts him so much in that moment, wants to just jump in and be there with him. Just with him.
“Alright.” Zayn agrees, because sometimes Niall can be a bit contagious. He pulls off his shirt and trousers, pretends not to notice the hitch in Niall’s breath or the way his eyes dilate. He doesn’t think he can control himself, if it’s true.
Gingerly lowering himself in the pool, Zayn holds tight to the side as the water comes up to his chest. “You ‘right?” Niall asks as he circles Zayn’s neck with his arms and oh, isn’t this a little too intimate? The quiet makes Zayn’s heart sound a bit louder, the light against the waters makes Niall look a bit gorgeous and god, he is just so, so close.
“Y-yeah.” Zayn stutters, chokes, and tries to look at anything besides Niall’s inviting lips or the dip of his collarbones or the way his lashes cast shadows on pale skin.
“Good.” Niall murmurs quietly, resting his head against Zayn’s shoulder and shit, shit, shit, friends don’t do this, do they? Not even them. Zayn feels blood rush down his body, feels warm breath tickle at his skin and –
Small hands come up suddenly to push him, tearing him away from the edge of the pool as Zayn splutters around and oh, isn’t this a little familiar? “Lesson number one: rails are for wusses!” Niall says proudly with a giant grin on his face, grabbing onto Zayn’s hands before he can freak out, and leads him to shallow waters.
“It’s alright, I got cha.” Niall says and Zayn feels the heat leave his body and calm take over as he follows him. He’ll deal with the tightening in his chest later, he thinks. Later, because now is for Niall and him and the cool of the swimming pool.
A couple days later and Niall is lying in bed with a high fever, shaking uncontrollably and dripping with sweat. “I’m fine, I’m fine.” He mutters over and over into the crook of Zayn’s neck as comforting arms wrap themselves around his frame. “Just a fever,” he says. “I’ll be better.” He says.
“Oh god, oh god. Niall, I told you, didn’t I? I told you that you’d catch a cold out there.” Liam mutters, pouring water down Niall’s throat and coaxing him to swallow with gentle hands. The room is a bit too quiet, Niall is a bit too cold and Zayn doesn’t like the way they hover over him.
“Didn’t go to the beach. Pool.” Niall mutters, burying himself in warm arms and Zayn stiffens, feels sense start to seep around him.
“Pool?” Liam questions, confused, but all Niall does is hum in agreement, too tired to open his eyes.
“The water…it was funny. Not salty, not normal. Tasted like…tasted like metal? It was different.” He says through large, deep breaths, clutching on to Zayn’s shirt. He looks so small and vulnerable then in Zayn’s arms. His skin is sickly white, the sun has abandoned the yellow of his hair and Zayn has never felt so hopeless in his life.
“No duh, it’s not the ocean Niall. It’s a pool, they put chlorine in there.” Louis scolds but Zayn can see the worry in his shaky hands as they come to push hair away from Niall’s face. They’re all a bit scared because Niall has never been so lifeless, never been so quiet and why does fear have to be such an all-consuming guilt?
“Chlorine? Oh.” Niall gasps, a mere whisper, as realisation seems to hit him.
A pause then, an aching silence, before Harry swallows the lump in his throat, gazes at Niall with all the worry in the world. “Are you…are you allergic to chlorine?” He forces out, his voice tight. He looks a right mess, Zayn thinks, with his curls all over his face and sticking out in different directions. They all do really – sleep hasn’t come to visit them since Niall woke with fever.
“Dunno, dunno. Tired.” Niall brushes off, curls up into a ball to bury his head in Zayn’s chest. They leave it at that and leave Niall to rest, engulfed by sheets of white. Zayn stays a little longer with him, ignores the knowing eyes of the others as they file out slowly from the room. For a moment, Zayn considers sleeping there with Niall, holding him close until the heat has died down. He wants to lie next to him, watch his chest rise and fall and kiss his neck until everything is better and –
Zayn hurriedly makes for the door, heart racing as his breath comes out uneven. That’s not what friends do, he reminds himself, and tries to forget.
Zayn checks on Niall after a couple hours, comes in with a class of cool water and a wet towel. Niall is already awake though, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he gazes at the other hazily. For a second, Zayn allows himself to admire mussed blond hair and flush cheeks, allows himself to fall a little deeper into that downwards spiral, before guilt start to claw its way around him.
The room suddenly feels a little too small, a little too hot and Zayn finds it hard to pick up the pieces. “’m sorry, ‘m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t know. I didn’t –“ He begins but Niall cuts him off, gives him that glorious smile as he pulls him down and rests his forehead against Zayn’s own.
“It’s alright. I’m fine now, aren’t I? Stop worrying so much, you sound like Liam.” Niall laughs quietly, kisses Zayn’s cheek with warm lips before dashing out of bed. “I’m starving! D’you think Harry will cook for me?” He asks but Zayn is too lost in the lingering warmth in his cheek, in the missing comfort beside him, to notice anything besides the rising heat coursing through his veins. Realisation, Zayn thinks, creeps up like a haunting deadline and hits you like a speeding truck.
There’s a distance between them, one Zayn knows Niall is desperately trying to fill with constant chatter and countless jokes. Zayn tries so hard to pretend everything is fine, tries so hard to turn things back into the way they were – but then Niall would touch him there, or kiss him here and Zayn finds himself pushing away all over again. Friends don’t think about other friends like that, he reminds himself. They don’t think about kissing them or marking them or making them theirs and oh god, this will be the death of him, won’t it?
The others don’t notice and if they do, they don’t say a word, for which Zayn is grateful for. It’s something he needs to deal on his own, he thinks. He just needs some space, some time to deal with this and hopefully get over it. Only, Niall doesn’t seem to let him and Zayn’s wondering if he even wants to get over this sort of all-consuming madness.
“What’s wrong?” Niall asks one day, after a performance. They’re backstage in the waiting rooms, just the two of them because Louis can be a sneaky bastard when he wants to, because Niall doesn’t give up that easily.
Zayn clears his throat and stares at a particularly interesting stain on the floor. He can’t even look Niall in the eye anymore and oh, when did it come to this? “Nothin’.” He says, rubs the back of his neck and closes his eyes because he just can’t look at Niall right now. Not when he’s looking so open and free and goddamn gorgeous and all Zayn can think about is kissing him.
“You’re a horrible liar.” Niall says with a little smile. Forced, Zayn sees and guilt comes to greet an old friend. “Is it me?” He asks quietly, avoiding Zayn’s gaze. He sounds so vulnerable in that moment, so small, and Zayn wonders then what Niall’s like behind the laughter and life.
“No, I – no, no, it’s not you.” He stutters and feels his throat close up. Maybe it is partly Niall’s fault, for making him love him so much, for making him feel a happiness so tangible it can’t possibly last.
“Alright then. You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.” Niall says gently and Zayn can see how he wants to move closer, but stops and Zayn’s heart sinks. When did this wall come between them? Wasn’t it just yesterday that Niall would come up and brush his hair and kiss his cheek and look at him as if he carried the world in his hands? “I miss you, though. There’s no quiff to block my view anymore.” Niall mentions half-heartedly after an aching silence and begins to make his way out. Zayn’s heart leaps at that and he can do nothing but follow it.
“Wait!” He calls out, his hand shooting out to encircle a pale wrist. “I – It’s not… I want – I want to…” Zayn stumbles and dammit, he should’ve thought this through a little more. It’s just a little hard to concentrate when Niall is so close, looking at him with hopeful eyes and inviting lips and god, did he always look so beautiful? It should be criminal, the way his cheeks pink and –
Warm, hesitant lips meet his own and Zayn’s heart stops. Niall’s eyes are closed, lashes resting against his cheeks and oh, this can’t possibly be real, can it? There’s a moment where he can do nothing but stare – but then Niall pulls the slightest bit back and Zayn finds confidence, grabs Niall by the back of his neck and pushes their bodies together until only heat surrounds them. Niall opens his mouth in a gasp and Zayn slips his tongue in, tastes the salt of the ocean and light of the sun, bites gently when he feels Niall press a smile against him.
They only break apart to breathe and Zayn opens his eyes, finds hope and glory and desire standing right in front of him. “You’re a right idiot, you know. Been waitin’ forever.” Niall tells him, his accent thick and a grin on his glistening lips, and all Zayn can do is laugh and kiss him again and again until time is all eternal.
They try to keep it secret for as long as they can. It’s a bit hard when Niall doesn’t do subtle, holds Zayn’s hands in front of flashing cameras, tells him he loves him to the entire world. It makes Zayn’s stomach dance and flutter, makes him feel like the world is at his feet. In those instances, he doesn’t worry about what will happen when people find out, how they’ll tell the other guys, what it’ll mean if this moment of complete euphoria finds its end. Zayn’s never been happier in his life and, even if it is fleeting, he knows he’ll always find his way back to Niall.
Niall begins to look a little bit green, a little bit tired right before their first tour. It makes Zayn worry, makes him pull at his hair and bite his lips, so he takes him to the one place he knows he adores and watches as life finds its way back to blond hair and wide smiles.
“Come in, come in!” Niall encourages, splashes around in the ocean and pulls at Zayn’s shirt. Zayn only brushes him off with a grin, kicking up water as he sits on the dock and watches Niall weave his way around as if he’s born live there.
“’m fine.” He says, leaning back to lie down on the dock beneath the pale light of the moon. There is a peaceful sort of silence as the wind blows gently at his face and Zayn finds himself counting the stars in the sky, hands outstretched as if he could reach the darkness of the night and hold it in the palm of his hand.
A splash in the water, a thump, and suddenly Niall is kneeling beside him, staring intently down at him as if the universe laid in the cut of his jaw or the curves of his face. When the silence is enough, he leans in slowly to kiss him and Zayn smiles against his lips, pushes him back until Niall’s the one lying back on the dock staring up at him.
He is all pale skin and flawless flesh and Zayn can’t help but think he is so lovely like that – with the moon in his eyes and the stars in his hair. He grins up at him and Zayn chuckles, places warm lips against his jaw, against his neck, against the beating of his rapid heart. It only serves to make Niall impatient, makes him grab Zayn by the back of his neck and kiss him so, so desperately. Hands come to pull at his shirt, taking it off in one clean motion and the chill of the night greets Zayn with open arms. There’s a look in Niall’s eyes when he looks back down, one full of desire and want and that madness they share – one he knows is reflected in his own. Tentatively, Niall pulls at his trousers and he obliges, sheds them along with his pants.
God, they can’t really be doing this here, can they? In the middle of the night, in an open space where anybody can find them, with Niall dripping wet and smelling like an ocean shore. Niall doesn’t seem to care at all, takes off his own shorts and pants down in a similar manner and pulls Zayn back down towards him. Determined fingers reach out to encircle his cock, squeezing lightly, and oh, Zayn can’t think of anything else besides the warmth of Niall’s hand and the lips against his ear. Only the ragged breathing beneath him reminds him to reciprocate, Zayn biting hard into Niall’s shoulder when he runs his thumb against the slit.
Oh shit, Zayn thinks. Are they really going to do this? Are they really going to - ? But then Niall looks up at him with all the trust in the world and Zayn has never felt more in love.
“Hey, it’s alright.” Niall comforts, runs his hand against a broad back in long, slow motions when he notices the shake in Zayn’s arms.
“You’ve done it before? With a… you know, with a guy. ” Zayn murmurs and tries not to show the jealously burning fiercely in stomach. Just the knowledge that someone else was able to see Niall like this – all splayed out and open and completely vulnerable – makes Zayn’s throat close up.
“Well, no. But how hard can it be? You just gotta stick yer prick up my arse, that’s all.” Niall says and suddenly, Zayn bursts out laughing, rests his head on Niall’s shoulders and tries to find his breath. As if he could make this sound any less romantic.
“Alright, alright. I think I know what to do.” Zayn chuckles a bit to himself, but his fingers are shaky when he wets them with his tongue and snakes them down to Niall’s entrance. He prods gently, pulls at Niall’s cock softly when he makes a little face and finally, finally, pushes a finger in – slowly, barely. A groan escapes Niall and Zayn hushes him, places light kisses on his shoulders and neck until Niall is a whimpering mess beneath him. He pushes another finger in then, watches Niall’s face for any signs and kisses the hurt away.
“Is this okay?” Zayn asks, when he’s working three fingers in and out of Niall. Slowly, so slowly.
The body beneath him hums and the hands on his back grip him a bit too tightly. “It’s alright, it’s fine.” Niall says and Zayn finds it too hard to wait any longer, gently pulls his fingers out and wets his straining cock. He wishes there was something to make this easier – lube, something, anything – besides the spit on his hands and the water of the ocean. But this is all they have and Zayn is so desperate, has wanted this for so long.
Cautiously, Zayn guides his cock towards the pink of Niall’s hole with one hand and pushes gently, experimentally. “You alright?” He asks, stroking Niall’s prick with concern on his face. Niall gives a small nod and Zayn lets out a breath, pushes into that incredibly tight heat with restraint.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh fuck.” Niall groans when the head pops in, an arm across his face. His cheeks are flushed and his body strained and Zayn feels nervousness come up to consume him.
“I’m sorry – I… dammit – “ Zayn stutters out, strokes Niall a little faster, kisses him a little harder and tries to pull out. Niall seems to laugh at that, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder in comfort and draw him back in.
“S’okay. It’s good. Big. Gimme time.” He murmurs and strokes the smooth of Zayn’s cheek.
Zayn smiles a little and rests his forehead against Niall’s own. It is a cold night, a moment of complete spontaneity Zayn takes with open arms. The wind nips at his fingers and the wood of the dock is hard on his knees. It is different, Niall is different – all angles instead of soft skin and wide hips – but Zayn drinks it in, bathes in the pale moonlight and for once, allows himself to be happy.
It’s only a day later when they’re all hanging around in Louis’ apartment. It’s quiet, because Harry needs his sleep, because Niall needs the ocean. It’s hard not being around Niall but Zayn has to maintain a level of distance, has to keep this secret for as long as he can. He’ll be safe, Zayn thinks. Liam’s with him. He’s safe.
It’s nice with Louis, peaceful. There’s a certain level of calm there he struggles to find with Niall who is all light and life and loud. It’s one suddenly and completely shattered when Louis turns to him mid-way during a movie and gives him that knowing, omniscient look.
“I know.” Louis says then pauses, tries to find the right words before opting for honesty. “’Bout you and Niall.” He continues and Zayn feels a rising pressure burst in his chest.
“W-what…” He stutters for a second, swallows the lump in his throat and avoids that piercing gaze. “I don’t know what you mean.” Zayn knows it’s a pathetic excuse but it’s better than nothing and maybe, if he’s lucky, Louis isn’t implying what he thinks he’s implying. Hopefully.
“D’you think I’m an idiot?” Louis laughs, flicking the hair out of his eyes and Zayn feels defeat come to wrap itself around him. Oh shit, Zayn thinks. Shit, because he doesn’t know how the boys will take it, doesn’t know if they’re alright with this sort of relationship, doesn’t know if they’ll approve of Niall and him and oh, this is just too much right now. He’s not ready, he’s not ready – for this rejection, for this dismissal, for whatever it is they decide to throw at him and Niall.
“How’d you know?” Zayn asks shakily and searches Louis for any sense of disgust or disapproval or loathing. Louis seems to notice his apprehension, the shine in his eyes and lets out a giant grin, slaps him on the back and circles an arm around his shoulder.
“I dunno. Maybe it was the way you pinched his bum the other night, or how you got mopey when Liam carried him around.” Louis pretends to ponder, stroking at his chin before turning to him with mischievousness shining in his eyes. “Or maybe it was when you two snuck out yesterday night to fuck.”
“Lou!” Zayn cries out, mortified, cheeks pink and eyes wide as fear leaves him like early dew in a rising autumn. Of course Louis would be fine with it – Louis, who carries them on his back, moulds himself to fit any situation, changes to make them happy.
“Well, it’s the truth, isn’t it?” He laughs before ruffling the other’s hair, sticks his tongue out when Zayn pouts at him.
“Are we that obvious?” Zayn mumbles because he swears they’ve been careful – or, at least he’s been careful – and if it’s so obvious to Louis than how many other people have gotten the same idea?
“Yeah, ‘course! You know Niall has no time for being discreet, and you’re so love struck it’s sickening. Took you guys long enough, you know. You’ve been making heart eyes at him since forever.” Louis adds, bats his eyelashes for effect and purses his lips together when Zayn flushes pink.
“I don’t make heart eyes!” He cries out, pushes Louis away and tries to stare at him with a hard, cold look, only to falter when Louis lets out a laugh and wipes the tears from his face.
“Yeah, alright, keep tellin’ yourself that.” He says, then softens. “Congratulations though, can’t find a better match.” Louis murmurs with all the honesty and adoration in the world carried in his voice, in the light in his eyes, and Zayn has never felt so lucky to have friends like Louis.
There is a small pause, a small silence then, before Zayn finds worry tapping on his door and courage is too far to ignore it. “Do you think – I mean, how are we gonna keep this a secret? Won’t it be bad for the band? What happens when they find out? I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” He mumbles because this is his biggest worry. One day, people will find out about them. One day, the world will turn their backs. Zayn’s not ready to fall when they’ve only just begun to fly, when there’s nothing but the hard ground below them.
Louis says nothing for a while, only stares at him with a bit of disbelief, and Zayn feels a bit unnerved by this Louis who could tear you apart piece by piece, find all your insecurities and problems and hidden secrets in a matter of minutes, then put you back together again with just a single look. “Huh. Niall’s right. You do worry about things that don’t matter.” He says finally. “You guys happy?”
“Yeah. More than ever.” Zayn says immediately, doesn’t even give it a second thought because he has never felt such an unadulterated love, a sense of complete security, like the one that consumes him whenever he’s with Niall.
Louis seems to smile at that, turns back around to stare at the screen and continue the movie. “Then things will work out.” He says as if it’s as simple as that because, Zayn thinks, it is as simple as that.
“Thanks, Lou.” He smiles, grateful, before settling back into their routine, their familiar sense of comfort. Turns out, Zayn discovers a couple days later, all the boys had known about him and Niall a long time ago. They’d just been too involved in being decent friends to actually make a problem out of nothing.
Things go well for Niall and Zayn. There are fights of course because Niall needs to know when to calm down, because Zayn needs to stop worrying so much, but they work through it and learn the art of compromise. It’s only a couple weeks later when Zayn asks Niall to move in with him and Niall agrees enthusiastically, kisses Zayn all over and suggests moving in sex.
“Niall, what’s this?” Zayn asks when he’s unpacking one of Niall’s boxes, silver silk shining in his hands. He finds it beneath layers of clothes and seashells, glass bottles full of sand and sea water in a box labelled ‘home’ and nothing else. It’s smooth in his hands but he can’t tell what it is – it moves between his fingers like water and shines like the light against the sea.
Silence comes to greet him with open arms and Zayn turns to Niall, sees wide eyes and shaky hands. Niall looks pale, unnaturally so. Not his usual glow at all and Zayn knows something is wrong. “Huh? Oh nothin’. I dunno. Let me see.” He mutters out quickly, snatches it out of Zayn’s hand and stuffs it in another box without a second glance.
“What is it?” Zayn says carefully because sometimes Niall is a bit vulnerable, a bit broken. He treads closer to Niall as he goes back to fumbling with his guitar, eyes looking anywhere but into his own and places a warm hand against the back of his neck.
Niall coughs, splutters almost, stands up again and moves away from him like a rabbit to a wolf. Zayn feels horrible because Niall looks on the verge of tears, looks so scared and open but curiosity is a rope that holds you like a vice. “Ah. Well. It’s… yeah it’s nothing.” He rasps out and Zayn can’t hold it in any more, grabs onto Niall and holds him close.
“Niall, what’s wrong? You don’t have to tell me, I was just curious. It’s alright.” He whispers, runs a comforting hand up and down Niall’s back, presses a kiss to his temple.
There’s a pause before Niall sucks in a deep breath and seems to contemplate a thousand thoughts in a matter of a few seconds. “No, no it’s not. Uh, I just. Take me to the beach? I’ll show you what it is.” He mumbles out, moves away from Zayn’s embrace to grab onto silk with shaking hands. Zayn agrees without a second thought, takes Niall’s hand in his and leads him to a blue skyline.
Zayn walks with a heavy heart to the shallows of the water, concentrates on the sand beneath his feet and the wind biting at his skin. It’s a cold day and Zayn finds it hard to look at Niall who is so unlike himself – all weary eyes and worried glances. He turns to give him a wary look before walking deep into the waters, the silver silk like moonlight in his hands.
“Don’t… don’t say anything until later, alright?” Niall says and Zayn only nods, doesn’t understand a single thing going on. He ventures further into the ocean until he is waist deep and Zayn kicks sand into the water and eyes him warily. He watches him take in a deep breath before slipping the silver over his head and oh god, oh god, it’s not silk, it’s not silk, it’s –
A seal pops its head up where Niall used to stand and Zayn feels his chest constrict, feels his heart beat like thunder and his head spin. He doesn’t understand a single thing, doesn’t understand what’s happening except that Niall just turned into a seal and –
Selkie. Zayn remembers now, remembers the stories he used to read in English class but he can’t actually believe it. Niall is a selkie and Zayn moves closer to him, carefully, until he is close enough to reach out and touch the warmth of his skin. Doe eyes stare back at him and Zayn smiles because Niall is just as beautiful as he has always been, splashing around in the ocean and nipping at Zayn’s fingers.
“You’re a selkie.” He murmurs, rubs his nose against Niall’s own and Zayn has never seen a seal look so relieved in his life.
“Will you… will you keep it for me?” Niall says later when they’re out of the ocean and lying dripping wet on the sand, and rolls on top of Zayn until he’s all he sees. The setting sun paints the sky with a golden hue and Niall looks a bit glorious like this, Zayn thinks, with the light behind him.
“What?” He mutters tiredly, tries to kiss Niall and watches as he jerks his head back towards the silver skin drying out in the sun. Oh, Zayn thinks. Not because he can’t, but because taking a selkie’s skin means taking their freedom.
“Um… if you keep it for me, if you hide it somewhere, I can stay here forever.” Niall mutters, blushes red from the heat, from nerves and Zayn feels a rock fall into his stomach.
“Niall – ”
“Please. Please, Zayn. I don’t want to go back. I don’t. But I… if you don’t hide it, something might happen one day and I won’t be able to stop myself and I’ll take it and go back to the ocean and I don’t want that.” Niall pleads and Zayn knows it’s the truth, knows selkies will return to the ocean, heed its call, unless someone hides their skin or – and he feels sick at the thought – burns it.
“Alright, it’s okay. I’ll keep it safe for you.” Zayn whispers into a pale neck as Niall holds him close and mutters a thank you. Later, he realises it’s only partly because Niall looks so desperate. Mostly because love can be a bit selfish and Zayn sees the way Niall looks so longingly at the ocean, likes the sound of forever with Niall.