Work Text:
Dear Evan Hansen,
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and who doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely your Best and Most Dearest Friend,
Me
Evan lifted his hands from the keyboard. He wanted to slam the laptop shut and smash it on the floor of the computer lab, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Tears threatened to spill, so he dug his fingernails into the palm of his hand, staring at the words he had just typed.
He really had thought that this year could be different- that maybe he could talk to people, or even make a friend. Maybe he wouldn’t spend every single night alone on his computer, scrolling mindlessly through social media. Maybe he could find someone, anyone, who wanted to be around him or cared about a single thing he said. What an idiot he was to think that his life could be anything other than the pathetic shitshow it had become over the past seventeen years.
Would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?
“So, um, what happened to your arm?” A voice shocked him out of thoughts. The voice, he discovered as he looked up to see a lanky figure in all black, belonged to Connor Murphy. Evan hadn’t even noticed him. Had he been here this whole time?
“Oh, I just, um,” Evan tried his best to act like he hadn’t just written a depressing letter featuring Connor’s younger sister, “I fell out of a tree, actually…”
“Fell out a tree?” Connor seemed amused at the concept.
“Yeah…”
“Well, that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my God.”
“I know,” Evan agreed
Connor fidgeted, “Um, no one’s signed your cast…”
“No, I know,” He was completely aware of that, thanks.
“Well, I’ll sign it.” He was serious. Evan waited for a second, for Connor to say something mean, that he was just kidding, that Evan was a freak, but he just stood there.
“Oh, you don’t have to…”
“Do you, uh, have a sharpie?”
Evan pulled out a marker from his pocket before hesitantly moving towards the other boy. Connor took the sharpie from his hand, then grabbed Evan’s injured arm and pulled it towards himself, a bit too harshly.
“Ow,” Evan winced.
Connor loosened his grip, “Oh.”
By the time Evan could formulate a coherent thought about what was happening, Connor’s name was sprawled across his cast in huge, capital letters.
“Oh great, thanks…” He tried to sound appreciative.
“Yeah, well, now we can both pretend that we have friends.”
“Good point.”
After a brief awkward silence, Connor held out a piece of paper towards Evan.
“Is this yours? I found it on the printer. It’s Dear Evan Hansen, that’s your name, right?”
Evan lunged forward, ripping the letter out of Connor’s hand, “Yeah, no, it’s mine, it’s nothing, it’s just weird, thanks.”
Connor raised an eyebrow, “Weird?”
“No, I mean, it’s not weird , it’s not like, gross, or bad, or, um…” Evan’s brain tried to come up with something to say that would make Connor stop looking at him like that , “it’s just this thing I had to write, and it’s really p-personal, and kind of embarrassing, and I-”
“Hey, I get it.” Connor held up his hands as if surrendering, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
Evan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “Okay, I, uh...sorry.”
“Listen, about before… I shouldn’t have pushed you. That Kleinman kid just really pisses me off.”
“Oh no, it’s okay, I was fine, didn’t even land on my bad arm so, it’s like not even a big deal really, I don’t even care.”
Connor looked at him for a moment, “Man, I had no idea anxiety could take human form.”
Evan let out a nervous laugh, “Yeah, God, I know, s-sorry.”
“You say that a lot,” Evan had a flashback to his conversation with Zoe earlier.
“I uh, yeah, I know,” Thinking about Zoe had brought him back to the real world, where he had an appointment he didn’t want to be late for, “I, um… I have to go, I have this thing…”
“Oh, right, yeah,” The atmosphere had somehow gotten even more awkward, “I’ll uh… see you around?”
Evan nodded, “Yeah, sure, definitely.” He turned and headed out of the computer lab, backpack strap in one hand, depressing letter safe and secure in the other.